04x09 - Four Short Fairy Tales

[bunniefuu]

HEATHER: Hey, babe.

Good workout?

(GROANS)

Ooh!

I just feel like no matter how low I drop it in cardio strip class, I keep looking in the mirror expecting to see a new me, and see the same old me staring back.

Oh, honey, listen, I think you've been doing so great.

But if you need a little extra motivation, just do what I do.

Not tie my robe when FedEx drops off a package?

No!

That was an accident.

- Mm.

- I meant I buy myself a treat as a reminder of what it is I'm working towards.

I guess I could buy you something.

(CHUCKLING): No, not me.

You.

If you really want to look good, but yourself something nice.

- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

- TIM: Heather, you were right!

I bought something, and it's a game changer.

Oh!

Oh.

Well, what do you think?

Well what do you think?

I love it!

- Oh, yeah.

- I, uh I feel like I'm in defiance of God's will.

Yeah, well, I mean, what else is there to say, other than you look very handsome.

What do you say?

You want to take it for a little test-drive?

Yeah.

Uh - Uh - Just don't touch the top, 'cause that glue still has to set.

- And the sides kind of hurt, so - Okay.

Okay.

- Ah, well, we'll do it later.

- Okay.

I'm gonna go upstairs and take off everything.

Well, almost everything.

Okay.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

- Oh, see?

Hairs.

- Okay.

Thank you so much for responding to my text.

Uh, there's something I need to talk to you about concerning your father.

It's his heart again, isn't it?

- Told you.

- No.

It's not his heart.

It is his head.

Like a brain tumor?

Told you.

No.

Your dad has started wearing a toupee.

Told you.

Okay, the-the point is, is that your dad has struggled, you know, with feeling good about himself.

And if adding some hair makes him feel like a new man, then our job is to just support him in that.

So, the same rules as when you went through your romper phase?

- What?

- You looked stupid.

We-we just didn't know if you knew you looked stupid.

Mm.

- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

- Yeah.

Just like that.

Hey, guys!

Oh, what do we think of the new me on a scale of one to ten?

Don't be afraid to say 11.

It's what we're all thinking.

We're just kids.

(LAUGHS)

Who cares what we think?

Most of us don't even vote.

Ah, the reviews are in, and they are rave.

The barista at the coffee shop that always calls me Tom She still called me Tom, but this time, she said it with a smile.

New Tim is a hit!

Yeah, you're looking pretty sharp, Timmy.

Oh, I know it.

If you need any help fixing your whole thing, I'm here for you.

Thank-thank you.

(QUIETLY): Okay, thank you so much for not saying anything.

I know it's hard.

Of course I'm not gonna say anything, Heather.

He's obviously struggling.

Oh, man, my allergies are acting up.

Do we have any idea what kind of hair that thing is made out of?

- But you're only allergic to cats.

- (GASPS)

Oh, no.

Tim, I just want to tell you that I think your toupee looks great, no matter what John says.

What did John say?

Oh.

Well, now that I know that you didn't hear, I can't remember.

He didn't like my toupee?

I think he's just jealous because someone else is getting hair compliments.

- Hmm.

- And he doesn't like that, but who cares about John?

I think it looks amazing, no matter what everyone else says.

Everyone?

He doesn't have a toupee made out of a cat.

So, none of you like the new me.

Tim, listen, it's (SIGHS)

It's just that we all love the old you.

I love old me, too, but he's gone.

And the new me uses 25% less sunscreen.

Ignore them, Tim.

I think you look so sexy.

What?

Heather, you're the one who told me to try something new.

Yeah, because I thought, you know, maybe you would buy a new jacket.

At worst, a big gold chain.

I didn't think you would do something crazy like this.

How is this crazy?

I can wear it in a pool.

Okay, honey, I-I love you, but you can't just put on new hair and completely change who you are.

Ah, you're just saying that 'cause you know me as a bald guy.

Anybody who meets me now would have no idea.

They might if they met you during a strong breeze.

The salesman said they can handle up to 20 knots.

Honey, don't be upset.

Maybe I'll always be old Tim to you guys, but tomorrow, I'm gonna get on a stage and give a speech in front of a bunch of doctors who've never met me, and you mark my words, they'll only know the new Tim.

And now our featured speaker for today's symposium, Dr.

Tim Hughes.

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

All right.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you.

I'm here today to talk to you about honesty in medicine, but also in life.

- (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- That's right, because the transparency with which we present ourselves (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Oh, right.

(LAUGHS)

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

Aah.

Jen, you're back!

You were gone so long, we all forgot you worked here.

(LAUGHS)

EVE: You think maybe you should label that, so I don't accidentally put it in my coffee?

Oh, well, here's a tip.

Maybe don't drink milk out of a baby bottle.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, Jen.

- Welcome back.

- Thank you.

How is baby what's-her-face?

Uh, Talia.

Yeah, she's great, and, uh, she loves her Starbucks gift card, so thank you.

Oh.

Sure.

I I had no idea I sent her anything.

- Oh, well, that's even better.

- Uh, so I'll see you tonight?

S-Sorry.

Tonight?

Yeah, we're all getting together for drinks to celebrate the monster year we had.

Eve was supposed to tell you.

(GASPS)

Did I not do that?

ELLE: Paul, do not make her go celebrate the monster year she had nothing to do with.

She has a baby to get home to.

Right.

Yeah, go be with, um (SIGHS)

What's his name?

I want to say it starts with a "B", but that could just be for "baby. "

- (LAUGHS)

- Yeah.

No, you got it.

- Yes!

- Good memory.

Okay.

Which reminds me, this contract was due yesterday, so let's get it redlined ASAP.

We're on it.

Hey, since you decided you didn't want to go tonight, do you mind?

Oh.

And here's a tip: if you're gonna lie about having a baby, maybe don't post photos of yourself topless on a fancy lounge chair.

It was a hospital bed.

I'm stuck here while Eve and Elle get face time with Paul, which is the only way to make partner.

Sorry.

I'm here.

It's just that the phone, uh, fell in between the cushions of the couch.

Did you hear anything I just said?

I was explaining how I'm feeling overwhelmed by trying to be the perfect mom and the perfect lawyer.

I think you're perfect.

I just I want to make it home before bedtime, you know?

I miss the girls.

Hey, has Talia changed a lot since I've been gone?

I started calling her Tal, but then I realized that would mean we named her Tal Short.

Well, that's either gonna be good or horrible.

Look, honey, I-if going out tonight is important, go.

All right?

I mean, I-I'll keep the kids up until you come home.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm terrible at putting 'em to sleep, so it's perfect.

sh**t.

I just spilled breast milk all over me.

What am I gonna do?

I can't go like this.

Okay, you want to know what?

I'm gonna call someone to help you, okay?

But just so you're not disappointed when you see her, it's gonna be Colleen.

(SIGHS)

I can't believe we're so aligned on politics and religion.

That was a huge gamble you took, but it paid off.

Hey!

Jen!

You made it.

Why aren't you with your family?

Shouldn't you be making mac and cheese and some kind of nugget?

Nope.

No, I can stay as long as I want tonight.

Yeah, because I'm devoted to this firm.

Hey, have you talked about the Anderson case?

- No.

- Well, now we have, so next round's on the client.

- Am I right?

- (LAUGHS)

I love it!

I can get you a woman.

Whoa, Eve.

Let's just stick with champagne.

Yeah.

Jen, come on in.

Champagne?

Uh, would love some.

(CHUCKLES)

And I woke up on the roof of the library, naked, covered in red paint.

And that is how you get out of paying overdue book fines.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I knew you were a reader.

Paul, Paul, Paul?

- Mm-hmm.

- We got you a drink.

It's a lemon drop!

(GIGGLES)

I am so lucky I have so many best friends.

(CHUCKLES)

Paul, Paul, Paul.

To your success.

- (LINE RINGING)

- GREG: Honey, where you going with the (CRYING)

- Hey, everything okay?

- Jen, where are you?

Okay, I-it's it's 8:15.

Tha-That's like midnight for these girls.

(EVE AND ELLE LAUGHING)

You there?

Jen?

Jen, get over here.

I'm telling everyone about my unforgettable trip to Santa Fe.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm going next week.

- (EVE AND ELLE LAUGH)

- GREG: Hey.

I'm-I'm so sorry.

I-I actually have to go.

So sorry.

So Hi.

Mommy's home.

(SIGHS)

Hey, have either of you seen the contract I finished yesterday?

- No.

- Haven't seen it.

Jen, why'd you run off last night?

Oh, sorry.

I-I had to get home to my girls.

Oh, too bad.

You missed hearing about my watch collection.

I'm gonna start one.

- Oh.

- Eve, Elle, thanks for redlining this contract.

It was our pleasure, Paul.

(GIGGLES)

Wait, I did that work.

Oh, that's not possible.

She just had a baby, which means probably her hormones are making her lie.

- Or bad character.

- Oh.

Okay, guys, hey, look, our office has an awesome work vibe.

Please don't harsh that.

Wait, look, there's a stain on it.

I made that.

That proves I did the work.

Actually, that's from my coffee cup.

Everyone knows I drink coffee.

It's kind of my thing.

See?

Well, that looks too big.

Uh, because that ring is from my protein shake.

I drink one every morning before I douse the donuts in salt.

- (CHUCKLES)

- That doesn't fit.

Story of my life.

Here, try this.

It's a perfect fit.

I'll take that.

Oh.

And I'll-I'll just I'll redo that.

Okay.

Hey, look who made it home tonight!

Yeah, and with good news.

I am back on the partner track.

How did that happen?

It's because I spilled breast milk on one of my files.

Oh.

Well, that's one way of doing it.

Mom, do you want creole or soul food for your retirement party?

GREG: I keep pitching Cajun, but it doesn't seem to have inspired the room.

JOHN: I just don't understand why we can't just do Caribbean jerk.

Why don't we get one of those really big subs?

What does that have to do with retirement?

You're-you're planning the retirement party?

There's no rush, is there?

What?

No rush?

I've been waiting for this day since I retired.

HEATHER: Mom, think about all the things you can do.

You can fly off at a moment's notice, see the world.

Mom, you guys could go to Spain, and you could eat A rat!

Oh, is that what they do?

I-I don't want to do that.

Oh!

No, there's a rat.

It just scurried under the sofa.

- Mm!

- Okay, okay.

Calm down.

I'll I will call our exterminator for you.

Is he the best?

Well JOAN: I'm so sorry, honey, but I just will not have the retirement party until Oscar gets that rat.

And who knows how long that'll take?

Got him.

Yep.

Trap worked.

k*lled him dead.

But surely there are more!

It's a herd, right?

Herd of rats?

'Course I heard of rats.

I'm a 'sterminator.

It's my business.

Great!

Well, party's back on.

You'll be retired before you know it.

Soon, you'll be as aimless as I am.

- Right.

- No, you're gonna love it.

The hours all blend together.

10:00 and 3:00 are the same, because they're both day.

And then, suddenly, it's dinner, and then you're done.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Are you sure you got them all?

Yep, you's rat-free.

You want to keep it for your trophy room or - No.

- No.

All right.

I'm gonna barbecue it.

Got a tailgate tomorrow.

- John!

- Yeah.

Call Oscar!

I saw another rat.

- A rat?

- Yeah.

Oh, no.

We're gonna have to cancel the party again?

I'm so disappointed.

Wh-Where'd it go?

Oh, it's gone now.

Don't even bother to look for it.

And by the noises it was making, it was calling its friends.

What'd it sound like?

Oh.

Um Like, uh (HISSING)

(GROWLING)

(SNARLS)

That sounds like trouble.

(GRUNTS)

These might be plops.

Only one way to tell.

(GROANS)

Raisins.

Yep.

Ain't no rats here.

It's too bad we postponed the party.

You could always postpone the postponement.

Do the ponement post-rodent.

He's making a lot of sense.

Am I?

We'll do the party tomorrow, and-and then it's official you're retired.

I-It's just you and me, until, one day, it's you or me.

No.

I'm certain there was a rat.

And if he can't find it, well, we'll just never have the party.

That's the only thing that makes sense.

Okay.

You the boss, Miss Joan.

I'll be here all night.

I ain't gonna quit till he gone.

(QUIETLY): All night?

Well, you heard him.

He ain't gonna quit till he gone.

OSCAR: Miss Joan.

I heard some rumblin's.

I figured maybe there was a rat down here doing some cupboard dumpin'.

No.

I just couldn't sleep.

I'm sorry.

W-Would you like some tea?

I try not to drink on the job.

Got to keep the old tool sharp.

- Ooh.

Oh!

- Yeah Oh, whoop.

That was there.

Yep, that dent was definitely there.

Well, I better go set some, uh, trackin' powder at your points of entry.

Looks like cocaine, works like cocaine, but do not attempt to use it as such.

Okay, thank you.

I'll remember that if I snort anything from the floor.

- Mm-hmm.

- You're very dedicated to your work.

I love my occupation.

Do you ever think about retiring?

As long as I got oxygen left in these lungs, I'm gonna keep trying to stick a hot poker into theirs.

We are what we do, Oscar, huh?

And-and we do what we are.

That's beautiful.

Oh.

Well, as I said to my wife, Tulip, on our weddin' night, "I'm-a slip into your crawl space.

" No, dear, don't.

I have a confession.

Ain't no rats, is there?

(WHISPERS): No.

Yeah, I knew I ain't smelled no rats, Miss Joan.

I didn't want to have my party, because the truth is that I'm never gonna retire.

(EXHALES)

Well my job here is done, so I can indulge.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

- That was there.

- Yeah.

- Pour me some tea.

- Okay.

People say I got the gift of gab.

- You do?

- Yep.

- Well, gift it to me.

- Well My wife, Tulip, says I'll probably give you a run for your money.

- No.

- Yep.

She says this ain't working right.

No, you don't need any therapy.

You're a happy guy.

Yeah.

That's what I tell her.

Then I tell her to shut up.

Oh, no, no, don't do that, honey.

- Yeah.

- No, don't tell her to shut up.

- I say, "I'm happy.

Shut up. "

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Maybe she's unhappy.

Yeah, she probably unhappy, too.

- Well, maybe you could say - So she should shut up about it.

(LAUGHS): No, no, no, no, no.

So, you're not angry with me?

I had a feeling.

Why do you think I was racing to throw you that party?

Because the airlines forced you to retire, and you don't have anything to do.

What do you say we, uh, go upstairs and celebrate your un-retirement?

- (SQUEAKING)

- (GASPS)

A rat!

Well, if you're not in the mood, I mean, that-that's okay, too.

No, no, John, it's a real rat.

John?

John?

We're going to get juice boxes for our kitchen.

- Hmm.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Damn it, Joanie, recycling went out yesterday Why is this still here?

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

- Dad!

- What?

That was a playhouse.

Where?

The box.

Oh, my God.

Were the kids inside?

Oh!

Our playhouse.

We were gonna live here when we got married.

I guess it's good it got destroyed, - 'cause that would have been weird.

- Yep.

Come on, kids.

You want to play with something?

Let me show you my rusty Kn*fe collection.

Man.

Dude, if you're gonna build 'em a playhouse, at least build 'em one that lasts.

(DOOR BEEPS)

This thing is so dope.

(LAUGHS)

What are you guys doing?

Making a playhouse.

No dads allowed.

Except for us.

That's a really confusing rule.

We need to change that.

Uh, uh, Matt said that I could hold the wood when he's cutting it.

- Ah.

- Yeah.

I'm thinking about it.

What do you think about adding a slide for-for quick getaways?

Totally.

You're gonna need a quick getaway when this house of cards collapses on you.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, he's just saying that because he doesn't love you.

This is gonna be the best fort ever.

Wow!

This is exactly as I envisioned it.

I mean, I would kiss you right now, but I don't want to be judged.

I don't know, the slide is a little garbage bag-y for what I was going for, but at least it's solid.

(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING)

Oh, sorry.

It had leaves on it.

What the hell, Dad?

That took us two days.

You just blew our house down.

Well, that's because it's shoddy workmanship, Greg.

It wasn't me.

Matt said he knew what he was doing Which he obviously didn't.

I mean, maybe if I could have - held some of the wood - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You didn't know what you were doing, either.

JOHN: Honestly, this is sad.

My dad taught me how to build, his dad taught him, and you kids just weren't brought up right.

Dad, you brought us up.

I don't see it that way.

(GASPS)

This is not our fault.

This is Dad's fault.

God, I feel so much better.

Don't you?

A little bit, but blaming Dad's sort of a catchall for me.

Yeah, that's true.

- Dad?

- Mm-mm?

Have a good look.

This is your legacy.

We are your embarrassments.

Oh, no.

Oh, so this is what shame feels like?

I'm gonna teach you kids how to build a playhouse.

You also never taught us how to tie a tie.

A tie?

Is Let's do the playhouse first.

- (DOOR BEEPS)

- Hey, Dad, check it out.

We were able to fit all of these bricks and 50 pounds of mortar.

You gonna help, Dad?

Well, how the hell are you two gonna learn if I do all the work for you?

And I told you to get five pounds of mortar.

I know.

That's why I got 45 pounds of backup mortar.

Aw, we can flush the rest down the toilet.

Good call, Dad.

- Thank you for our playhouse!

- They love the playhouse, Dad.

And if you close all the windows and doors, - it doubles as a pizza oven.

- Yeah.

It was so fun building this with you guys.

Yep.

(CLEARS THROAT)

That foundation is as strong as the bonds of our family.

Your kids' kids'll be playing in that.

Sad I won't be here to see it.

I will have moved to Florida by then.

Excuse me.

Water and Power.

I'm here to read your meters.

Oh, yeah.

It's right there.

Underneath that brick, uh Oh.

Oh, you can go right in.

What?

- LARK: Hello.

- (GRUNTS)