03x09 - Twenty-Sided, Die

[bunniefuu]

Previously on iZombie.

You're prosecuting Weckler?

He confessed even though you didn't have much hard evidence.

You haven't heard?

James Weckler hanged himself in his cell this morning.

Any idea who's going to be in charge of the world's only zombie m*llitary force now?

Chase Graves, Vivian's brother-in-law, is gonna to take the reins.

Sir!

Yes, sir.

After you would b*at me, I'd visit this well.

Wish you'd drop dead.

Harley and his people are targeting zombies.

I landed us an invite to the zombie truthers meeting tomorrow night.

_ That, boys and girls, is what we're dealing with.

Those of us sitting in this room are all that's standing between an America we love, and a zombie-controlled wasteland.

Yes, sir.

Whether they look like this.

- Or this.

- God.

Oh, snap.

Or like our honorable mayoral candidate, a secret zombie.

What makes you think he's a brain eater?

Look at the facts.

My brother worked down in the basement lab at Max Rager.

Baracus and all of the other Chaos k*ller victims are being experimented on down in the lab.

Hell, they say as much in interviews.

Well, they didn't say they were zombies.

Maybe not.

But when me and my brother Harley tried to visit Baracus, see if he'd take a little involuntary blood pressure test, he had zombie guards protecting him.

So, they can just pass as normal-looking?

Sure can.

Ask Billy Cook here.

He's the guy you heard on Chuck Burd's show.

He saw it all go down at the Max Rager party.

It's true.

Everyone that walked in that party was just a normal person.

But what I saw at the end?

They were all red-eyed monsters.

If you're here, it means that we can tell from what you've posted on the message boards you're ready to do more than hunker down and try to merely survive a zombie outbreak.

Right.

Yeah.

My brothers and me, we're all in.

We can't do it on our own.

We need volunteers to keep tabs on all of our suspected zombies.

Starting with Tim Addis.

I'll do it.

Here you go, Quick Draw.

- Sandy Coleman.

- I'll take that.

So, yeah...

The Scratching Post is under new management.

Now, it's likely some of you heard how a couple members of the old regime were, um, terminated without notice.

But, uh, let me tell you this, as long as you keep this operation as clean and tight as this roll up, you will be fine.

Now, when I'm off attending other business, Don E.

Here is my guy.

What he says goes.

Let's go make some money.

Money, people!

Let's make it!

Don E...

I'm kind of his guy.

Uh-huh.

I need you to keep this burner somewhere safe.

I need to be able to reach you 24/7.

Also, our new product is finally ready.

This has been soaking for 20 days.

That's twice as long as Ravi's recipe calls for.

I need you to take it for a trial run.

I'm not sure that's the best use of my time.

I'll do it.

- Fine.

- What is it?

This blue juice makes zombie visions longer and more intense.

And if all goes according to plan, it's going to make us a lot of money.

Our test brain belonged to 94-year-old Hoyt Carroll, a World w*r II waist gunner and noted ladies' man.

Ladies' man.

Right on.

I need to know how long the visions last.

And how soon they start, post-ingestion.

That's, uh, after you eat it.

Okay, I need all you volunteers to track your zombies' comings and goings and report back to me.

And what are you gonna do with that info?

Something that can't be ignored.

Like what?

Capture a zombie, starve it, broadcast it on a live stream, and let the whole world see the monster it becomes.

- Right.

- Whoo!

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, but I didn't know I was signing up for a kidnapping.

Would you grow a pair, Billy?

We are talking about the survival of the human race here!

Perhaps I can help.

My name is Ravi Chakrabarti.

I work for the police.

Allow me to explain.

Yeah, you do that.

I'm a medical examiner.

I used to work for the CDC, but was fired for taking the possibility of a zombie apocalypse seriously.

I am on your side.

What do you know about 'em?

They've existed in Seattle since the Boat Party m*ssacre.

I examined several dead ones.

I found brains in their digestive tracts and something under their fingernails.

A substance which makes a zombie's scratch highly contagious.

Which means trying to abduct one of them could start the very apocalypse we are trying to prevent.

You said you could help.

I'm close to developing a vaccine.

One that will protect humans from the zombie contagion.

How close?

Like, a few weeks, at most.

According to Google, Dr.

Chakrabarti did, in fact, work for the CDC.

He is who he says he is.

Okay.

We start surveilling all known zombies, but no contact while the doctor works on the vaccine.

ETA 15 minutes?

Ugh.

Hey, Chakrabarti!

What's up, Doc?

Good work putting the brakes on the kidnapping talk.

I'm Rachel, by the way.

Ravi.

Do you need a lift?

I'm faster than Uber.

Sure.

Thank you.

I'm just over there.

Actually, their plan makes a lot of sense.

It's just, uh, premature.

Kidnapping?

That's not why I showed up to this thing.

Well, what brought you here?

I'm a photographer.

I want to sh**t a zombie.

I've already got a Nessie and a Sasquatch.

Oh.

I thought this was my ride.

Nope.

This is.

You encounter a beautiful elfin creature, who offers to whisk you away on her steed.

What do you do?

The elf awaits.

Will you join me, stranger?

Am I strong enough to get up on her horse?

You know you are.

Then, yes, milady.

You mount the horse successfully.

Your compatriots proceed on foot.

After a half-day's journey, you come to a tavern.

Well, if there's anyone more dangerous than a gnome textile merchant inside, we flee in terror.

We do not flee in terror.

We enter and approach the bar.

An ancient barkeep approaches.

To Queen Larissa!

Giver of life!

Fair warning, strangers, a Ranger by the name of Longstockings was in here earlier, asking about...

Oh, he's choking.

I'll give him ye old Heimlich.

I have a healing potion.

Seriously, Dan.

Longstockings was asking about what?

Dan.

I think this might really be happening.

Holy crap.

Who knows CPR?

_ So, our Harley Johns followers want to kidnap a zombie?

Yes.

But, happily, not until I finish my utterly fictional anti-zombie vaccine.

- Quick thinking.

- It only buys us a couple of weeks.

If they're wilng to kidnap, they're willing to m*rder.

Well, they seem like people that would execute a zombie family without blinking, but they didn't say anything about the Tuttle-Reid case.

Victim's name is Dan Harbinson, 34.

Uh...

What the hell am I looking at?

Dungeons & Dragons.

The granddaddy of all fantasy role-playing games.

So, the victim has kids?

Adults play it, too.

I bet you were so into this.

Do I look like a nerd?

- Detective.

- What you got?

Vic keeled over in the middle of game night after taking a swig of wine.

One of the players called it in at 2:07 a.m.

- The other players still here?

- Yeah.

This way.

- A couple of them work at the station.

- Cops?

Not exactly.

See what I mean?

Nerds.

Ah.

Finally some friendly faces.

Mind if I get my bag?

Sorry, Jimmy.

Everything in there is evidence.

Sit.

How often do you all get together for these game nights?

Weekly.

Dan's been our DM almost seven years now.

- DM?

- Dungeon Master.

Basically like a referee.

He creates the details in the adventure, and describes what the players see and hear along the way.

Including the other characters we encounter.

Dragon, diplomat.

Dan's final character, a common barkeep.

Toasted the Queen, quaffed mead from the Grail of Eternal Buzzery, and crossed over the River Styx.

The wine was poisoned.

What type of poison?

An extremely rare one.

Gelsemine.

Any of the players could've slipped it into the open wine bottle while Dan and the others were absorbed by the game.

Those were in his pockets.

I can't believe grown adults play this for hours at a time.

Grown nerds.

Mmm.

Who's hungry?

Vampire Steve's up first.

Ready?

The question is, "Are you?" Sixty feet away, your first suspect awaits.

A nocturnal creature whose loyalties are in question.

Strength, below average.

Charisma, below average.

What do you do?

I go in and question him.

You coming?

Indeed I am.

It says here your DM made his living playing online poker.

Any idea how much Dan earned?

Master Dan didn't speak of his wealth, but he must've been doing quite well, indeed.

He bought original cover art to an Ogden Twiddlyhut and the Valiant Men of Golden Glen.

I've seen those sell for as much as $10,000.

You know, that's not listed in our crime scene inventory.

It was hanging above his fireplace last week.

How long have you been playing in Dan's campaign?

Nigh unto seven years.

Why were you all playing first level characters?

We were a party of heroes and legends, but we were slain last week in the Caverns of Varag.

I know them well.

Danger lurks behind every stalactite.

And how did you come to meet your untimely demise?

Darts dipped in Pit Fiend venom.

Our thief failed to detect a trap.

Your group was pretend-k*lled by poison last week, and this week, your dungeon master was real-life-k*lled by poison.

Even though the Reverend Deodato was wearing his Absorption Stone.

He should've been immune to poison.

Who is Reverend Dodle Doodle?

My 15-level cleric.

Fool!

You were in a cavern!

Your Absorption Stone would be worthless.

So sayeth you.

An Absorption Stone doesn't work anywhere untouched by the sun.

Uh...

Sun Hammer.

Is it safe to say your group of heroes and legends had grown attached to these old characters?

Not attached enough to m*rder our friend, if that's what you're asking.

You can't imagine anyone in your group seeking revenge for Dan k*lling your characters?

Well, I can't read their minds, obviously.

I'd put the odds at one in 100.

Your saving throw fails.

You're all dead.

- My saving roll is a three?

- It's called a Sun Hammer!

- Are you on some kind of power trip!

- You're such a d*ck, Dan.

I think we're good here.

We'll call you back in if we need anything more.

What'd you see?

The players all lost their minds when their characters d*ed.

They were in Dan's face, screaming at him.

Who do we go to next?

Zoe.

"Time for vision to start after eating brain, five minutes." "Length of vision, two hours." Penmanship, poor.

- How was the ride?

- Primo.

I was in the middle of a dogfight.

Felt like I was sh**ting real b*ll*ts.

sh**ting down Nazis.

Damn, man.

It was intense.

Later, I'm getting with this French girl, and she's nonstop into playing Hide the Baguette, so I'm...

Okay.

Got it.

Got it.

Boys, we're gonna be rich.

I'm gonna go to Shady Plots and see if there's any promising new stiffs for blue-juicing.

Meantime, you two start hyping our new product.

- You get all that booze put away?

- Can do.

Cleared for takeoff.

_ Oh, no.

Oh...

Hey.

You know that stealing mail is a federal offense, right?

I was hiding mail.

- Why are you...

- Opening my hate mail?

Better question, why were you hiding it from me?

Because I'm kind and empathetic.

You know, I used to do all right with girls.

I suppose I can believe that.

The only girls who don't avoid me completely these days are the ones out atillmore-Graves.

And they're zombies, so that doesn't do me much good.

I may never be loved or have sex again unless I move to some backwards civilization that doesn't consume news.

Like Pullman.

Oh!

Sick Wazzu burn.

Wazzu?

Washington State?

Share my cultural touchstones!

Ah!

Listen to this love letter.

When they make a Chaos k*ller TV movie, I hope you watch it in hell with your pal Ted Bundy.

Wait, you didn't actually k*ll anyone.

Yeah, and the joke's on them.

I'm not pals with Ted Bundy either.

Ah!

This one wishes I'd been blown to bits in the Max Rager expl*si*n.

This one wants my future family kidnapped, so I know how it feels.

Enough, Major.

Stop torturing yourself!

This one says, uh, - I didn't do it.

- Really?

"I know how crazy it must be to get a letter like this from a total stranger.

But I was also accused of something I didn't do.

If you ever need a sympathetic ear, I've got two.

Shawna." Monster!

She must've done whatever she was accused of.

Well, she included her phone number.

- Mmm.

- And this.

She's cute.

So I read the report you wrote on James Weckler as his prison psychiatrist.

What were you treating him for exactly, Dr.

Danforth?

Apparitional hallucinations.

Saw ghosts.

Well, a ghost.

Of his deceased wife.

I guess it makes sense he'd go looking for comfort elsewhere.

How do you mean?

His supposed m*rder victim was a dominatrix.

James started out as a client.

No way.

James lost all interest in sex after his wife d*ed.

He simply couldn't do anything his wife didn't approve of.

She most certainly would not have approved of him spending his limited funds on a dominatrix.

Man, this really takes me back.

I didn't know you were into comics.

Just The Flash.

His dad didn't have much faith in him, either.

Aw...

I'm messing with you.

He was super-fast and he had a cool name.

Liv, look at this.

The Ogden Twiddlyhut thingy.

The one missing from the inventory of Dan's apartment.

On sale for $5,000.

Keep going.

When you finish down there, you can take me to second breakfast.

Sorry.

Guy needed a moment to say goodbye to his entire comic book collection.

We just had a few more questions.

Starting with, why is Dan's missing cover art here, for sale?

This is the first time Lady Wellin Marsapple, hero of the Ogden Twiddlyhut series, has ever appeared in print.

And who says it's missing?

I won it off Dan in a bet.

You had five grand to lose in a bet?

Or maybe you didn't bet cash.

Maybe you bet some erotic cosplay involving Halfling feet.

Did you guys talk to Jimmy?

Dan and I hadn't been sleeping together long.

We tried to keep it a secret.

But I think that Jimmy saw a naughty text I sent to Dan.

So, you and Dan?

It's the way he wielded all that power.

Oh!

It was intoxicating.

Why would Jimmy care if that's how you felt about Dan?

Well, I can tell when a guy's got a crush on me.

Like my character, I'm pretty intuitive.

I wouldn't say I had a crush.

That's funny, given what we found in your bag.

Seeing the sketch pad, Jimmy's eyes dart back and forth.

Guilt etched on his face.

- This is very creative.

- Mmm-hmm.

Liv saves against upchucking.

And here's you and Zoe.

Yeah.

Did you realize Zoe and Dan were sleeping together?

Were you jealous of Dan?

I wonder how far you'd go to win the object of your obsession.

You wanna talk about obsession?

You should check out Diego's back.

How long after you got this did you learn Zoe was sleeping with Dan?

Not long enough.

Steve knew, too.

And he's really into Zoe.

Where did Steve put his tattoo?

It's not about his ink.

It's his whole Boys Don't Cry-era Robert Smith thing.

As he is, so has he ever been.

No.

He used to be a blond.

Then he found out Zoe was a Twihard, and then he became Vampire Steve.

Diego told us you did all this to get with Zoe.

I came to vampires of my own accord.

It is but one of many interests I happen to share with Zoe.

Name another.

Graphic novels.

Especially those pertaining to vampires.

And yet she chose someone else.

That must have been frustrating.

I think we may yet be joined in holy union.

Good luck with that.

She's polyandrous, and would only stay married until a hale child is born.

Plus, you'd need to find a unicorn to sacrifice.

You don't know.

I could find a unicorn.

I was talking about real life.

Oh.

I think we're done here.

Thank you, Steve.

You can go.

The veteran detective closes his notepad in defeat, as another suspect slips through his fingers.

Any of these guys feel like a m*rder*r to you?

None of them could draw blood from a one-eyed kobold.

Yeah, probably not.

So we should do some more digging.

On a quest!

One that will require a band of eager souls, ready to test their mettle!

Oh, no.

You're talking about playing the game, aren't you?

Not just a game, good sir!

A quest!

_ You each start the campaign with this many gold pieces.

Twenty-seven gold pieces.

I buy a small farm, retire from adventuring.

We've been diddling around for two hours.

We haven't actually done anything.

The creation of characters is an essential part of the game.

The actual point of which is...

Ooh!

To trigger a vision to help solve Dungeon Master Dan's m*rder.

And who might this hirsute stranger be?

Introduce yourself.

I am Mosco Bandywax of the Mirkwood Bandywaxes.

I'm a Halfling monk.

And you, good sir?

I am Sir Jay Esclaborne, the human paladin.

I don't remember your character earning a knighthood.

Oh, he's not a knight.

His first name is - Sirjay.

- Clever.

I'll be watching you.

And, you, madam?

Hi.

Uh, Brangelina Darksbane.

Dark elf assassin.

And who might this stout fellow be?

Earl.

Dwarf fighter.

Earl.

Your story begins.

Night falls on Astergrove.

A hamlet on the frontier of the human kingdom of Oosterglovia.

You have never seen each other before, but you find yourselves gathered in the study of Georgie Fogglebottom.

Last wizard east of Gloomy Glen.

You regard each other uncomfortably.

You regard each other uncomfortably.

Anyone know if Gloomy Glen is a person or a place?

Either way, we should steer clear.

Silence.

A door opens in the back of the room, and in walks a small, unarmed woman holding a tea cup.

She takes a sip, sits down, and regards the group.

This was the best I could do?

Very well.

You will k*ll the Lich of Castle Rommscoddle.

Lich, please!

If you survive, you will bring me his head.

Then, and only then, will you be showered with treasure befitting your efforts.

Sounds dangerous, Mosco.

Maybe you should go outside and wait on your horse.

What's a lich?

Oh, a lich is a terrible creature.

A member of the undead.

Gross!

k*ll it!

k*ll the undead creature!

Let me get this straight.

So, we can go and find Castle What's-His-Nuts, fight that thing, come back and we'll get rewarded by this little old lady.

Or we could just tie up this little old lady, and take what we want now.

Georgie begins to mutter an incantation.

Electricity fires from her hands and strikes Brangelina.

I try to dive in front of the lightning bolt.

Not on this day, Ms.

Fogglebottom!

The lightning bolt has already struck Brangelina.

And Mosco lands on the ground in front of her, looking foolish.

Brangelina, you take...

Thirty-four points damage.

How many hit points do you have?

Thirty-four.

Well.

I'm dead.

Uh, good luck with the lich.

I bid thee, Fellowship of the Dorks, goodnight.

Oh, uh, I bind her wounds, begin mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

I move toward the light.

Mosco won't give up.

He keeps performing chest compressions, keeps engulfing her mouth with his, breathing his life force into hers!

Live!

Live, damn you!

Brangelina's eyes flutter open.

So, what say you, Fellowship of the Dorks?

Do you venture forth and face the lich or stay and take your chances with me?

You enter the lich's quarters.

You hear muttering.

You look up, and you see the lich perched on a giant wooden chandelier.

A fireball comes hurtling down at you.

Not good.

Everyone takes 38 points damage.

I'm dead.

I bind her wounds.

- I begin to...

- You're dead, too, Halfling.

Your turn.

What do you do?

I swing with my long sword.

At what?

The Lich is 10 feet above you.

Well, throw something!

Isn't there a stone somewhere?

Don't you have a dagger?

- The dwarf!

- Say what?

I throw the dwarf up to the chandelier.

I've got 18 strength.

Does the dwarf allow himself to be thrown?

Yeah, fine.

Sirjay throws Earl up to the chandelier.

He sticks the landing.

Earl, what do you do?

I cleave this undead hellspawn in twain with my a* of the Dwarven Gods.

You hit.

Roll for damage.

Booyah!

How you like old Earl now, you damn dirty lich?

Is it dead?

The lich looks badly wounded, but it launches itself from the chandelier, and disappears from view as it enters this antechamber.

We give chase!

You go into the chamber, but the lich is gone.

We search the room for secret doors.

Dan?

What the hell is this place?

Has this room always been here?

- What did you see?

- A secret door.

In Dan's apartment.

Great, we're done here.

No, we're not.

Where is the lich?

Boy, Georgie Fogglebottom's face when I reached into my bag of holding and pulled out that lich head, like...

Yeah!

What do you think of them apples?

I was there.

I think playing all night might've been a bad idea.

Now that I've leveled up, I get two att*cks a round.

That's gonna be tight.

Hey, maybe we could have a regular game.

You could save a little Dan brain, eat some every week.

Clive, I saw that suit of armor in my vision.

It means the hidden door to the secret room must be...

There.

My people.

A computer geek's paradise.

What the hell am I looking at?

"Remote fuel rod system override." "Leningrad Nuclear Power Plant." When did you learn to read Russian?

A couple of days ago.

You know Russian, maybe you know passwords.

Let's see.

Apparently not.

I'm gonna tell Devore what we found.

Let's bring Zoe in tomorrow.

See what she knew about this room and Dan's interest in Russian power plants.

Yeah, I knew about the secret room.

How'd you find it?

I went over to Dan's one day, heard music coming from behind the wall, pushed on the bookcase and there it was.

She's done here.

You can go.

We're shutting down the case.

- Why?

- The FBI stepped in.

They're chasing the cyber-crime angle.

They think that your victim might have been poisoned by a Russian agent to stop him from hacking into their system.

You know, that actually makes more sense than any of our suspects.

Let the Feds figure it out.

They put Bozzio on it.

Bozzio?

She was here a minute ago.

You must've just missed her.

What you looking for?

You.

You were right about Major Lilywhite not being a mass m*rder*r.

Turns out he was just a mass kidnapper.

I've wanted to talk but, I figured after leaving a dozen messages, the feeling wasn't mutual.

Didn't seem like much for me to say.

Still doesn't.

Unless you have something new to add.

How about this?

I haven't stopped thinking about you.

I'm absolutely lost without you.

I meant about the case.

My Uber is here.

So, about this new case, uh, you like anyone for it?

It's my case, Clive.

And I'm afraid I can't trust you with that information.

_ Thanks for the brain mush.

That is the first time anyone has ever been thanked for that stuff.

I just really want to be myself for Justin tonight.

No prob.

I've got a freezer full of Z-rations since I took the cure.

She discards the empty tube, eager to escape the clutches of the Dungeon Master's brain, but knowing that...

Don't narrate.

Just be.

Here.

Take these.

Don't let me have them back, even if I beg.

Whoa.

You look...

The young woman melts as her suitor makes sounds indicating that her dress is a success.

Yeah.

I should get going.

That video game's not going to play itself.

Sorry you're not helping out with security.

Baracus is already down in the polls.

He doesn't want the Chaos k*ller at his fundraiser.

More shrimp for me.

So, what do you even do at a political fundraiser?

I'm pretty sure it's all about hobnobbing.

Bring it on.

Look alive, boys!

Messerschmitts at 10 o'clock!

Two more coming your way, Shorty!

Number three is hit, Cap!

Shut 'er down!

Here comes another, almost in range.

Don't be shy, Fritz.

I got a little present for you.

See you in hell, you n*zi bastard!

Dude, how much brain did you take?

Direct hit!

We're going down!

Bail out!

He'll be okay, right?

Don't care.

I've got first shift.

- See you after work, honey?

- Keep us safe.

Liv Moore, I'd like you to meet the new head of Fillmore-Graves, Chase Graves.

Mr. Graves, I am so sorry about Vivian.

I greatly admired...

Where do we stand on the Tuttle-Reid investigation?

Well, there's a group here in Seattle that believes zombies escaped...

From the Max Rager party.

I know.

I've been briefed.

Do you have hard evidence that can put them away for murdering that zombie family?

Not yet.

But we've got someone on the inside of Harley Johns' group.

You do understand the urgency, don't you?

Zombie Island won't be ready for some time.

If D-Day happens before we're ready, we could face extinction.

I know this.

My partner and I are risking our careers to pursue it on our own time.

It's not even our case.

Your partner.

A human who you told about us.

A human who risked his life for zombies.

Who gave up the woman he loved for zombies.

Yeah.

That guy.

That's a great dress.

Carey.

I should probably meet this mayoral candidate we're bankrolling.

Nice meeting you, Miss Moore.

Having one of our own on the force is good for us all.

Why don't we have any drinks yet?

What happened?

I thought you were getting ready at home and coming with us.

I had too much to do.

I came here straight from work.

From now on, could you at least pretend that this takes some effort?

Free booze!

Oh, uh, grab me a Scotch.

I need to talk to my boss.

All right.

Who's gonna be the next mayor?

Me!

Oh!

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Great stuff.

Auction begins in 90 minutes.

Until then, I'll keep Buck.

You work the crowd.

Oh, and, um, Chase wants to meet you when you have a minute.

Who?

Only the most important zombie on this planet.

Right.

Chase Graves.

Endeavor to impress.

Okay.

We'll see you soon.

Hey, Daniel.

Good to see you.

- Thanks for coming out.

- Floyd.

Sorry to interrupt with an office matter, but you haven't been around much lately.

I just...

I had a few questions to run by you.

- Yeah.

- On the Weckler case.

The m*rder*d dominatrix.

We have a confession.

There's something fishy about it.

My old boss used to tell me, "When you win a case, get out of the courtroom." Let it go.

Go have some fun, Peyton.

Hey.

Well, that went over like a fart in a phone booth.

What?

I just tried to ask my boss about the m*rder*d dominatrix case, and he practically sprinted away.

Told me to drop it.

Maybe that has something to do with the fact that your boss was one of the dominatrix's clients.

Tell me everything.

Hey, Doc.

You got a minute?

Uh...

We caught ourselves a zombie.

What happened to waiting until I finish the vaccine?

You know, we've got our eyes on all those Chaos k*ller zombies.

They've got security details, and those security details all end up at the same underground bar.

That's where we found this one.

Alone, wandering around.

Pretty out of it.

Figured you'd have tranquilizers.

We need something to mellow out this freak without k*lling it.

You're sure you captured a...

Zombie?

Pretty damn sure.

Hey, there.

Guess who's off duty and ready to hobnob his ass off.

Really?

'Cause I'm all hobnobbed out.

And I was hoping to take some Fillmore-Graves soldier home, make love, and immediately fall asleep without a follow-up conversation.

Check, please!

Oh, look.

It's your new boss chitchatting with the zombie-who-would-be-mayor if he weren't such a terrible candidate.

Have you met Chase Graves, yet?

I'm not sure what I think.

I have met him.

The day he arrived, in fact.

He found out we stole a six pack of Super Max, and he sh*t me in the chest.

He did not.

Liv, this is sweet, but there could not be nothing worse for me than...

Liv!

Liv!

Dad!

Stay down.

- Take the boy.

I've got Baracus.

- I'm on it.

Floyd.

Let Carey take your boy.

You need to calm down.

Let's go, Buck.

Your dad's gonna be fine.

Eyes on me.

Deep, steady breaths.

Miss, I'm a doctor!

So am I.

Stay out of my way!

- Shawna.

- Major.

Chaos k*ller in the flesh.

Come on in.

The man was willing to literally take a b*llet for his son.

Can you imagine what that would be like, growing up with a father that cares that much?

Yeah.

Me, neither.

Hungry?

That's from an impotent proctologist, by the way.

Enjoy.

Taking that b*llet should do wonders for Baracus' poll numbers.

And a zombie mayor?

That'll help me as well.

You see what I did there?

Oh, Father, I'm so glad you're still around to experience this.

It's like all my wishes are coming true.

Welcome back to the United States.

How long are you gonna be in Seattle?

Just long enough to get my money and settle some old debts.

Tell your ma hi for me, will you, Spence?