04x03 - Chillaxing

[bunniefuu]

So what's on tap for today?

Chidi's study group should be off and running.

We can go check in on how Brent's doing.

If there's anyone that can turn that ash-hole into a good person, it's Chidi.

My man used to collect action figures of famous philosophers.

Oh, Eleanor, look, it's a near-mint Arthur Schopenhauer with a working quill!

What a dork.

I love him so much.

Chidi might make the new humans better all on his own.

It's so great he erased his memory.

But, you know, it's also quite sad for you in a way that I always think about and am respect of.

- [LAUGHS.]

- What the fork?

Hi, Eleanor.

Hi, Michael.

We were just heading off for picnic.

Oh, you know, we were actually just gonna go check in on your new student, Brent.

Oh, you know, I'm not sure that Brent's in it for the long haul.

He came to one session, and then he said he got a B+ in Moral Values at Princeton, and so maybe he should be the professor.

Then he asked me if I knew that he went Princeton.

I said I did.

Then he said he went to Princeton, and he left.

- Eh, what are you gonna do?

- [CHUCKLES.]

Well, just for argument's sake, what would Kant say about your duty to help your fellow human beings?

Well, honestly, when the weather is this perfect, I think that Kant would say, "Who's up for some Frisbee golf?" ]

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]

Guys, you gotta hear this joke I made about Kant.

Never seen Chidi like that.

He was chillaxing, which is a word I just invented, combing Chidi and relaxing.

Yeah, I guess once you have the burden of saving humanity removed from your brain, life is dandy.

Must be nice, Chidi.

That's what's missing.

Chidi isn't being tortured.

As far as he's concerned, he did everything right on Earth, so now he just gets to enjoy himself.

If we don't force Chidi into stressful decision-making, he won't get the chance to become a better person.

Right.

You want to make a pearl, you gotta get some sand in your clam.

Oyster.

We need Chidi to live in a world of low-grade dread.

I've got this.

I have a ton of experience making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable.

First up, we fill his acoustic guitar with wet cat food.

Judge me all you want.

I get results.

[SERENE MUSIC.]

- Janet, darling?

- Hi, there.

- Oh, you dyed your hair.

- I did.

After I broke up with Jason, I researched how humans cope with relationships ending, and number eight on the list was doing something dumb with your hair.

Number 42 was watch "Mamma Mia!

Here We Go Again," so I did that, too.

It was okay.

It's just a lot of the same songs as the first one.

Well, hopefully, diving back into work was also high on that list because we need to help John and I know how.

- Spa day.

- Spa day?

That's right, Janet.

I've cracked the code.

See, in 2014, John wrote eleven articles mocking Gigi Hadid's vacation at an exclusive resort in Bali.

But then he researched cheap flights to Bali for himself, and looked into something called a discount hotel package?

See, John's pettiness was the result of feeling excluded by the rich and powerful.

So I, the rich and powerful, am going to welcome him into an exclusive world of luxury and pampering!

Oh, he loves celebrity gossip.

You should tell him about how eight different characters from "Game of Thrones" are based on you.

That is a great idea.

See?

You're getting it now.

First, we open his pores, and then we open his heart.

We exfoliate the dead skin cells of envy, and we detoxify his soul.

Spa day.

Spa day.

I'm so excited for Spa day.

I mean, I know I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight and the air is obviously perfect and no one has any jobs or stress or problems, but I just feel like I need this.

Well, you are in for a treat 'cause I had Janet build an exact replica of Victoria Beckham's ultra-exclusive private spa.

Posh's spa?

The Posh Wash?

It's the most coveted invitation in England.

Membership is based on weight and net worth.

Gain a pound or lose a pound, and you're out.

Shall we go?

Jason, there you are?

We need your help.

Okay.

Hand me the jar.

Of what?

The peanut butter jar.

Get it.

You said you needed help opening a peanut butter jar.

No, we didn't.

Oh.

Then who said that?

No one.

Shut up and listen.

We need your help with something very important.

Are you sure?

I'm probably just gonna mess it up.

Just like I messed things up with Janet.

Dude, helping to save humanity is as good a way as any to get over a breakup.

I mean, it's not like Janet has a car you can key, or a house you can "Left Eye" Lopes.

Okay.

I'm in.

I got your back, guys.

Now hand me that jar.

Are you speaking metaphorically, like the task we're embarking on is a metaphorical jar you're gonna open by accomplishing the task?

Yes.

[GASPS.]

Oh, goodie.

Cucumber water.

Nope.

This is fresh water from Oprah's estate in Maui with mushrooms from her private bog in the Pyrenees Mountains.

Oh, my God.

It tastes like candy.

You know what they say.

A mushroom from Oprah's bog is better than anything from anywhere else.

Ugh, I didn't know that they said that.

I missed out on all the cool celebrity sayings.

Say good-bye to FOMO.

You can finally experience the best of the best.

The only thing that would make this any better is some hot goss.

- [CHUCKLES.]

- Very well.

Our story begins when I ran into Robbie Williams, Heidi Klum, and the remaining members of Fifth Harmony at the Dolce & Gabbana spring show.

Hate him, loathe her, over them, cancel it, tell me everything.

So Natalie Portman does all of Scarlett Johansson's stunts?

- Why?

- For the power.

- Just to say she can.

- [SCOFFS.]

Sure, I get that.

[CHUCKLES.]

Tahani, I feel amazing.

Thank you.

You're quite welcome!

Hey, you know what would give you an even more luminous glow?

There was this sort of inner treatment that was all the rage on Earth, the study of ethics.

Think of it as a colonic, but for your soul!

Our resident philosopher Chidi Anagonye leads an ethics study group in his apartment.

What do you say you and I sit in?

Would I like to use my time in heaven to audit a philosophy class?

Um no.

You stay crazy, girl!

Bye.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]

- Hey!

- Hi!

- So how was the picnic?

- Oh, amazing.

I mean, there were ants everywhere, but they were so helpful.

They carried our wine glasses back and forth and they folded our napkins for us.

- They were so cute.

- Wait till you see the otters who do our turn-down service.

Listen, you might know Jianyu, the monk?

He wants to join your philosophy study group.

Oh, sure, we can get that up and running again.

Maybe discuss some Lao Tzu and Confucius.

Fun!

Everything is so fun.

Perfect.

Just one thing.

So he's been having kind of a hard time adjusting here.

Apparently monks aren't the most social creatures.

So just promise me you'll help him no matter what.

Eleanor, I swear to you I will look after Jianyu as if he is my own brother.

Wow.

I mean, a promise from a strict Kantian like yourself is just about the most ironclad agreement in the universe.

Okay.

- Bye-bye.

[CHUCKLES.]

- Bye.

So, Jianyu, would you like some Yo, shut up for a sec.

I'm not a Buddhist monk.

My name is Jason Mendoza.

I'm a DJ from Florida, and I'm not supposed to be here.

You gotta help me out, homie.

I'm scared.

Tea.

I was gonna offer you some tea.

- - Dude, thanks to you, my dream came true.

I have a shiny new butthole.

- You okay, homie?

- No!

I've had a stomach ache for a week.

There have been way too many close calls.

Please, I beg you, no more meatball subs.

No more drawing boobs in the dirt.

I cannot lie to cover for you.

Please remember you're supposed to be a monk.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]

Hey!

Eleanor and Michael are here.

What a fun surprise.

- You've done some redecorating.

- Oh.

Uh, yes, my apartment was decorated in one way, and now it has been redecorated.

- And how's Jianyu?

- I mean, you know how monks are.

Calm, peaceful, never, you know, shotgunning Cheez Whiz.

I mean, what monk would do that?

No monk!

[CHUCKLES.]

Anyway I see you guys are still here.

We were just dropping by to ask a favor.

Can you accompany Jianyu to the luau tonight?

He still isn't really engaging with the Neighborhood, and we were hoping you could help him break out of his shell.

Actually, I don't think I can make it.

Oh, why not?

I just remembered.

I can make it, so I will see you there.

Okay, bye.

[TROPICAL MUSIC.]

I don't understand why John hasn't made more progress.

You've done so much to make him feel special.

I know.

I recreated the private tour of the Louvre where they let you touch all the art.

We rode Aquamans through the water.

I got so many beauty treatments I fear my hair may be too shiny and lustrous.

We've been getting on quite well, but every time I bring up self-improvement, he just shuts me down.

I haven't encountered this much resistance since I tried to get Timothée Chalamet to go out into the sun.

You know, I looked at John's files again.

He was hardly a shrinking violet.

If you think he needs help, maybe you should just tell him directly.

Perhaps you're right.

I shall go on the att*ck, just like six of the eight "Game of Thrones" characters who were based on me would do.

[QUIETLY.]

Yeah.

So how are things going with Chidi?

Super easy.

All I have to do is be myself, and he's constantly freaking out.

You have that effect on people, bud.

What else can we do to mess up his life?

Listen, E-dog, I know people don't look to me for plans or ideas or anything, but maybe we should ease off.

He's pretty stressed already.

Please.

He's not even dry-heaving yet.

How many Tums did he take today?

- Like 20.

- Pfft, that's nothing.

We don't stop until it's a whole bottle.

Because the more miserable he is, the more he's going to teach you, and then everyone, and then he'll save humanity.

He's like Superman with nervous diarrhea.

Get ready.

I'm gonna make that speech soon.

Hey, girl.

Want to hit up the spa tomorrow?

I want to try that new "Little Mermaid" treatment, the one where they remove your vocal chords and it somehow makes your legs look amazing.

Perhaps, but I was hoping to bend your ear on a more serious matter.

The things you used to write, frankly were hurtful.

What?

Name one.

I gained five pounds, and you called me Ta-Hammy All-the-Meals.

I mean, that's just poetry.

Well, you were so mean to Daniel Day-Lewis, - he quit acting.

- Oh, I'm sorry, was he living in character as a man who thought he could pull off boot-cut jeans?

You know what?

I see what this is.

This has been a fake friendship.

This whole week has just been a wind-up to a sucker-punch.

No, it hasn't.

I just want you to recognize that your blog hurt people.

And you have a chance to be better here.

B'scuse me?

You're telling me to be better?

While you were gallivanting around with your fancy friends, I lived in the real world, so I had bills to pay.

I worked 16 hours a day by myself building a site with millions of readers.

You're the one with issues, sweetheart.

If you spot it, you got it.

Whoosh.

That's another deuce for the gossip toilet.

[EXHALES SHARPLY.]

Hello and welcome!

Is everyone having fun tonight?

[ALL CHEERING.]

We have an exciting activity planned for all of you.

You have all been given a magic lava stone.

When you throw them into the bonfire, you will receive whatever your soul most desires.

ALL: Ahh.

Step right up, Matilda.

Give it a toss.

[SOFT MUSIC.]

[LAUGHS.]

My childhood pet, Shell Turtlestein.

- [CROWD AWWS.]

- Oh, hi!

I want to do that.

No, you cannot under any circumstances do that.

Okay, but I gotta do that.

No!

If you throw that stone, your truest actual desire will appear, and who knows what that is?

I do.

My old motorcycle with Pamela Anderson airbrushed on the side.

It exploded a week after I got it because someone wanted to see what would happen if they poured lighter fluid in the engine.

Was that someone you?

Yep.

Turns out it explodes.

Called it.

Look, maybe Jianyu the monk likes motorcycles.

We don't know his life.

No monk's truest desire is a motorcycle with Pam Anderson's face painted on it.

Oh, it wasn't her face.

[SLOW MOTION.]

No!

A sexually explicit motorcycle?

Whose rock was that?

[GRUNTS.]

Hey, it's mine.

Jianyu tossed my rock because he wanted to help me, his friend, who loves motorcycles and Canadian TV actress Pamela Anderson.

Thanks, Jianyu.

And now I will ride it away.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]

Can't wait to cruise the streets in this bad boy.

Yeah, man.

Now we're cooking with gas.

Well, this was a huge success.

Chidi's an absolute mess.

Oh, we should pop open some champagne.

Call those magic ants.

He's clearly being tested like never before.

Yeah, and now we need to ramp up the pressure.

Eleanor, he told an outright lie.

We don't want him so freaked out that he can't help anyone else.

I think we did enough for the day.

No way, dude.

We can't stop now.

We have to push him to the edge.

We have to knead his fragile psyche until he's hyperventilating - and losing his mind.

- [KNOCKS ON DOOR.]

Hi, guys, um - can we talk?

- Yeah.

I need to tell you a secret.

I [HYPERVENTILATES.]

I can't [INHALES.]

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]

No, no, guys, guys, not now.

I Spent my whole life on Earth battling a stomach ache because I never knew what to do.

And for a while here, that was gone, but recently, I've been miserable.

Why, Chidi?

You're in the Good Place.

I know, but I have this problem, and if I choose option A [GULPS.]

But if I choose option B [EXHALES.]

No.

You know, Chidi, sometimes adversity can lead to growth.

Whatever the moral dilemma is, maybe you'll come out on the other side better for it.

Yeah.

No.

I'm used to moral dilemmas.

I like moral dilemmas.

They're my jam, but this just feels like I'm - What?

- Like I'm being punished somehow.

And, obviously, I know that's silly.

This is the Good Place.

You two would never do anything to hurt anyone, but I am seriously worried that I did something wrong, and this is the universe getting back at me.

[CRIES.]

Oh, no.

[WHIMPERS.]

What's happening now?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I made God cry?

[CRYING.]

Oh, stomach ache.

Welcome back, old friend.

I can't believe John.

The man who once started a protracted Twitter feud with Jacob Tremblay thinks I'm the one with issues?

Maybe you need to be even more direct with him.

Like, punch him in the face.

I don't know.

I'm fired up.

You've just been very nice to him and I don't like the way he's treating you.

Maybe it's not possible.

We're just too different.

He spent his life in the bowels of the Internet, jealous and miserable with no real friends, while I spent my life in the upper echelon of society jealous and miserable with no real friends.

Oh, Janet.

I've been going about this all wrong.

Exactly.

Here you go.

Oh, uh no, I'm Why?

Why are you crying?

This is all my fault.

I promised I'd take care of you, Chidi.

- You did?

- Yes.

I promised.

Uh, see, Chidi, the Architect is responsible for the entire Neighborhood, so a resident suffering in any way, it's very painful for her.

Actually, come here.

Come here.

But don't worry.

We have a very simple solution for problems here.

Oh, good.

What is it?

We eliminate them.

So you just tell us a problem, and we'll eliminate it, like, say you had a problem with that vase.

- [GASPS.]

- [CHUCKLES.]

See?

So just tell me what's bothering you, I'll wave my hand, it'll explode, and you can go back to your otherwise perfect life.

Uh the motorcycle.

Yep.

That's my problem.

For some reason, it just hasn't been bringing me as much happiness as maybe it wasn't intended to, so I'd just as soon get rid of it.

Done.

Oh, not again.

No more motorcycle.

- Problem solved.

- Great.

Uh, Eleanor, I hope you feel better.

No, no, she'll be fine.

She'll be fine.

John, I have something to say.

Round two.

Let's do this.

In 2007, Blake Lively invited me to a birthday party held for Leonardo DiCaprio aboard Paul Allen's mega-yacht.

I see we're dropping names three at a time now.

The guest list was 100 of the wealthiest, most famous members of the glitterati.

Once aboard, I discovered there was a VIP deck.

And within that area, there was an even more exclusive room that you could only access with a secret PIN, which I promptly entered.

And guess who was waiting for me.

I hate to admit it, but I have to know.

Who?

No one.

I was the only one there.

The party raged on outside, but I was so obsessed with status that I never left.

I spent the entire night talking to no one.

Riveting story.

If only it were longer and sadder.

The point is, if all you care about in the world is the velvet rope, you will always be unhappy no matter which side you're on.

You and I are proof of that.

But now we're here.

Can we just start over?

Well if we're gonna be friends, I need to say something.

[SOFT TROPICAL MUSIC.]

I really am sorry for all the posts I wrote about you.

And everything I tweeted.

And scrawled on the back of a playbill during the intermission of "Wicked" and had someone pass it to you and say it was from an anonymous concerned citizen.

- That was you?

- [CLICKS TONGUE.]

Well, my bangs were making my ears look chunky.

That was a fair hit.

[LAUGHTER.]

It's a lovely night.

Would you like to go for a walk?

- [MIMICKING GUITAR SOLO.]

- Okay, Jason, new plan.

Instead of just trying to not get caught, we're going to study ethics.

I'm going to help you become a good person.

Oh, dope.

I always want to get better.

That's why I spent so much of my time at the free clinic.

Hang on.

Just editing my syllabus in my head based on that comment.

This is gonna be awesome.

You rule.

You're like the Pam Anderson boob motorcycle of people.

Thank you.

That's an amazing compliment.

And I'm sorry your actual motorcycle blew up.

Oh, that's okay, homie.

That's just what motorcycles do.

So Chidi's set with Jason now.

How are you doing?

A little better.

But still terrible.

You were torturing him because that's what we had to do.

I know.

But I went too far.

And what's worse I liked it.

Because I'm angry at him.

For leaving me.

Which isn't even remotely fair, because he sacrificed himself for us.

But I'm still angry he abandoned me, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me angry, which makes me want to talk to Chidi because he's the person I go to when I'm angry.

So it's a real fun cycle.

I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum.

You guys are often happy when you should be sad and angry when you should be happy, and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but it's insane.

The point is, in this case, even if it's not rational, you're allowed to feel a little angry.

Let yourself off the hook.

Process it and work your way through it, and then get your shirt together.

Because we have a lot of work to do.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]

Morning, all.

Anyone interested in a status report?

I win.

I mean, I'll start.

I have made massive progress with John.

Great.

Is he gonna join Chidi's class?

Philosophy may not be his way forward.

Genuine human connection shall be his course of study.

And first up on the syllabus, he and I will be unironically watching the Britney Spears movie "Crossroads" together [CHUCKLES.]

And you'll have to trust me, this is a huge step in the right direction.

Wonderful work, Tahani.

And, Jason, I mean, bravo.

Thanks, guys.

It's been a tough couple weeks, and it just felt really good to be brainy and have a useness.

Sure, bud.

Well, I think we can finally say that all four of these mofos are on the right path, so what's next?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]