02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Mum d*ed three years ago.

She had a double mastectomy, but never really recovered.

So why do you think your father suggested you come for counselling?

Because my mother d*ed and he can't talk about it.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Get your hands off my miscarriage!

- I'm sorry for your loss.

- What?

- Your baby.

- Oh.

So, there is a particular person you're not having sex with?

He's not available.

I believe God meant for me to love people as a father.

I'll go up to three.

No-one's asked me a question in 45 minutes So, what do you do?

You'll always be interesting with your quirky cafe and your dead best friend.

Celibacy is a lot less complicated than romantic relationships.

But what if you meet someone you like?

I talk and drink and laugh and give them Bibles and hope they eventually leave me alone.

What if you meet someone you love?

We're not going to have sex.

I'd really like to be your friend, though.

I'd like to be your friend too.

What makes you a normal person?

Well, I don't believe in God I love it when he does that.

I don't know.

Just come out.

- I prefer the last one.

- Me too.

- It's a bit more subtle.

- Elegant, yeah.

- It's these bits, isn't it?

- Yep.

- Yep, last one, definitely.

- Yep.

Great.

- Really pleased with that!

- Yeah.

- Once it's nipped in there - Oh, it'll be perfect.

His arms.

- Do you prefer weddings or funerals?

- Weddings.

His arms.

I think there's something humbling about funerals.

Really?

Yeah, it's good to dwell on the next life.

You really think there's a next life?

What do you believe?

Worm food?

- Why?!

- Why what?

His neck.

Why would you believe in something awful when you could believe in something wonderful?

Don't make me an optimist, you will ruin my life.

- Have you been to many funerals?

- A couple.

His neck.

And you've never felt them go somewhere?

No, they were already gone.

His beautiful neck.

What?

What?

You just said, "His beautiful neck".

No, I said that they'd already gone.

Okay.

Weird.

Oh, right, so This might be your idea of hell but I think it's kind of special.

His beautiful neck.

Quaker meeting.

You're not allowed to speak.

If the Spirit moves you to speak, you have to stand up and share it with everyone.

It's very intense.

It's very quiet.

It's very, very erotic.

Oh.

I think I'm going to go home in November.

I think.

What's he thinking?

What's he thinking?

I don't really think it's I'm not really feeling the I don't think it's really affecting me Oh, my Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

What am I going to say?

What am I going to say?

I sometimes worry that I wouldn't be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.

[HE CHUCKLES]

- Well, it's good you felt something.

- Is it?

Something moved you.

I'm not sure I needed to me moved to discover that about myself.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking about how peaceful I felt and then for some reason, I was thinking about your tits, which kind of ruined it.

- Oh, my tits ruined your peace?

- Yeah.

You could say that.

[THEY LAUGH]

- I should probably open the cafe - I've got a confession actually - Oh, can I see it?

- Uh Oh, yeah It's a bit What?

- It's a bit - What the f*ck?

[HE LAUGHS]

Hello.

Oh, you gorgeous little thing.

[GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS]

Can I ask, um, why so many guinea pigs?

Oh, um I just, um This is an excellent one.

I just thought it'd be a unique selling point.

Yeah.

Which came first, the guinea pig or the guinea pig cafe?

That is a big, old question.

Fair enough.

What do guinea pigs do?

They are born, they sh*t themselves with fear and then they die.

[HE LAUGHS]

Can I use that at the wedding?

Seriously, I need material.

Tell me about your stepmother-to-be.

Any What's she like?

Oh, she's, um - she's from Exeter.

- Mm.

Okay, thank you, that's very helpful.

- How did she meet your dad?

- Through my mother.

Right.

She was my mother's student at one point.

- Do your parents get on?

- No.

- Were you close to your mum?

- Yeah.

You?

Not really.

- How come?

- So, that must've been a bit weird?

I don't really think about it.

[GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS]

- So, you run No, no.

- Do you go back a lot to Do you run this place on your own?

- No, I opened it with a friend.

- Oh, cool, right.

- So, you run it together?

- No, she's she, uh She what?

What?

- What?

- She she what?

She [THEY LAUGH]

He's a bit annoying actually.

What is that?

What?

That thing that you're doing.

It's like you disappear.

- What?

- What are you not telling me?

Nothing!

Tell me what going on underneath there.

- Nothing!

- Tell me, come on!

- No!

- You can tell me.

- Nothing!

Nothing!

- Argh!

What are you doing?!

- Stop being so churchy.

- I'm not being churchy.

- I'm just trying to get to know you.

- Well, I don't want that.

Listen, I'm just trying to help you.

What?

No.

No, I didn't mean Oh, I know what you mean, Father.

Thank you so much for your guidance.

Come on, I didn't mean I really should get back to work.

A customer's bound to turn up any minute.

And you should be getting back to God, don't you think?

I think you played with my guinea pig long enough.

[HE SIGHS]

Okay.

All right, bye.

Sorry, girls.

People are starting to arrive.

She was a spectacular woman.

Don't worry.

We can sort this out.

Stop doing that to your face.

No, I have to.

I don't know what's wrong!

I just I look so good.

It's okay.

We can sort it out.

Just Take some of your makeup off.

I'm not wearing any makeup.

What?

What has happened?

- I have never seen you look so good.

- I don't know, I just woke up looking amazing and then everyone's going to think I got a f*cking facial for my mother's funeral.

Oh, what the hell?

You look incredible.

We're trying to mess her up.

No matter what I do to my hair, it just keeps falling in this really chic way.

Oh, God.

- You look perfect.

- Thank you.

Sorry, girls.

People are starting to arrive.

Thank you.

You don't have to greet them if it's too Gosh, you look gorgeous.

Thank you.

- I'm so sorry.

- Thank you.

- You look glorious.

- Thank you.

- Have you spoken to Dad?

- No, not yet.

He's avoiding me.

My deepest condolences, girls.

She was magnificent.

BOTH: Thanks so much.

- My God, you look well.

Thank you.

Have you?

No, he's not really engaging.

She was a spectacular woman.

- Thanks.

- Darling, you look wonderful.

Oh, my God.

- Hi, Claire.

- Hi.

Gosh.

Grief clearly agrees with you.

Thank you, Jeremy.

Oh.

Incoming.

How are you doing?

My God, she's shameless.

Can you not think the f*cking worst of someone for just a split f*cking second?

Not everyone is after cock.

She's definitely trying to f*ck my dad.

Well, she ain't made of wood.

Do you want a ciggie?

Ooh, incoming.

Hi, Harry.

Hi.

Hi.

- You okay?

- Mm-hm.

You?

Do you need anything?

No, I'm good thanks.

I've just had a large glass of water.

Are your trousers okay?

Yeah, sorry, I left them in the drier.

Ah, mate.

Ah, sh*t, sorry.

It's okay.

It's just funerals when you actually knew the person They're so It just doesn't feel real.

I'm just going to miss her so much.

[HE SNIFFS]

- Have you cried yet?

- Yes.

But I didn't see you cr Wow, you look. .

Have you had your eyebrows done?

Hi, girls.

How you doing?

- All right.

- Okay, thanks.

You know, the hard bit's going to come in a few weeks when it all calms down.

- Yeah, I have heard.

- They do say that, yeah.

When people start to forget and the cards and the flowers stop turning up.

- Yeah.

- Uh-huh, yeah.

And people just disappear because it spooks them to be around someone perpetually in pain.

Okay.

- Right.

And your lovely boyfriends might not be able to cope.

- Well, he's my husband - I'm sure they'll push through.

I just want you to know that I will always be there for you, always.

- Always.

- Thank you.

Always.

Always.

I'm going to check on the sausagerolls.

Okay.

See?

Okay.

Hey.

I don't know how you're eating.

Do something.

Hi.

Oh.

Hello, darling.

- Bit tight.

- Oh, yeah.

Tell me about it.

I found her very difficult, you know.

I know.

I loved her, but, um - That's all that really matters.

- No, I don't think it is.

Her instincts were She just knew how to be fun.

How to be kind.

She just knew.

I'm just guessing.

You're fun, Dad.

No, I didn't like that about her.

I loved her, but I didn't like that she was For a long time, I And today I was jealous of her.

[HE CHUCKLES]

That is a lovely thing to say, really.

Oh, sorry.

I'll leave you two.

- She's a bit annoying, isn't she?

- Mm.

Look, let's go and find your sister.

Yeah, I don't think she wants to see me.

She loves you.

She just didn't get the fun gene.

[THEY LAUGH]

[SHE SNIFFS]

I just - I don't know what to - I know.

Buck up.

Smile.

Charm.

Off we go.

We'll be okay.

I'll follow you.

You look lovely, by the way.

Thank you.

I don't know what to do with it.

With what?

With all the love I have for her.

I don't know where to put it now.

- I'll take it.

- [FLEABAG LAUGHS]

No, I'm serious.

It sounds lovely.

I'll have it.

- You have to give it to me.

- Okay.

It's got to go somewhere.

- [J.

Lopez's "Jenny From The Block"]

- Children grow and women producing Men go working, some go stealing Everyone's got to make a living L O X, yeah J.

Lo, yeah We off the block this year Went from a little to a lot this year Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block Used to have a little, now I have a lot No matter where I go, I know where I came from - [MUSIC STOPS]

- Oh, f*ck!

f*ck!

Jesus!

Why are you awake?

It's 9:45!

Oh, my God!

I thought you were just in my head, then!

But, I mean, you were in my head, then.

But now you're there!

[CHUCKLES]

You okay, Father?

Ah, f*ck, you calling me "Father" like it doesn't turn you on just to say it.

- Do you want a drink?

- Okay.

Don't move.

Are you a nostalgic person?

Yeah.

- Do you like Winnie the Pooh?

- Yeah.

I f*cking love Winnie the Pooh.

I can't read a Winnie the Pooh quote without crying.

f*ck.

Piglet.

Piglet.

Why are you here?

Sorry, but I mean why, why are you Were you looking for me?

I was on the verge of having a little prayer, actually.

[HE CHUCKLES]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't, don't you That's my thing.

What were you praying about?

Please say you were praying for me.

I could do with the extra pair of hands.

Mine don't seem to have the f*cking reach any more.

God help me!

Whoa!

- Thank you.

- [CHUCKLES]

Do you know there was a man who wanted to be a saint so badly he castrated himself just to stop himself?

You know whack!

Wow!

Here's to peace.

And those who get in the way of it.

I'm sorry about today.

Forget it.

Look at this.

Look at it.

That's the first one I ever got.

Went all the way to Rome for that.

Such a nerd!

Two years before I was even allowed to wear it, but I just I couldn't wait.

I couldn't wait!

I knew I wanted a bold, you know, this colour, but proper plum.

You can only get proper plum in Italy.

Sometimes I worry I'm only in it for the outfits.

So beautiful, isn't it?

I mean, your stuff is lovely, too.

What were you praying about?

You don't like answering questions, do you?

Okay.

Come with me.

I know what to do with you.

You go in there, I go in there.

And you make me tell you all my secrets so you can ultimately trap and control me?

- Yeah.

No.

- [LAUGHS]

You tell me what's weighing on your heart and I listen without judgment - and in complete confidence.

- Sounds dodgy!

I just listen.

At the very least it'll shut me up for a minute.

- I'm not Catholic.

- Tonight, that doesn't matter.

Won't I catch fire or something?

If you did, it would confirm my faith, so let's try it.

Go on.

Go on.

All right.

Okay, now you say, "Bless me father for I have sinned.

" - I'm not going to say that!

- Well, very good.

"It's been" Uh, enter days, years, months - "since my last confession.

" - Mm-hmm.

Then I say, "That's okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah", till you tell me what's on your mind.

Tell me your ssss - Sins.

- Sins, if you want.

[CHUCKLES]

- Why would I tell you my sins?

- Because it will make you feel better!

And because I want to know.

[THEY BOTH CHUCKLE]

Okay.

I lied.

Okay.

To you.

- About?

- About the miscarriage.

I was just covering for my sister who actually had the miscarriage, because her husband didn't know she was pregnant, and it just Okay.

Keep going.

And I've stolen things.

I've had a lot of sex outside of marriage.

And once or twice inside someone else's.

And there's been a spot of sodomy.

Um, there's been much masturbation, a bit of v*olence, and of course the endless f*cking blasphemy.

[HE CHUCKLES]

And?

And - Go on.

- And I I can't It's okay, go on.

- Frightened.

- Of what?

Forgetting things.

People.

Forgetting people.

And I'm ashamed of not knowing what I What you want?

It's okay not to know what you want.

No, I know what I want.

I know exactly what I want right now.

What's that?

It's bad.

It's okay.

I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.

[HE LAUGHS]

Okay, well, I think there are people who can No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning.

I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about.

I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them.

I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I've been getting it wrong.

And I know that's why people want people like you in their lives.

Because you just tell them how to do it.

You just tell them what to do, and what they'll get out of the end of it.

Even though I don't believe your bullshit, and I know that scientifically nothing I do makes any difference in the end anyway, I'm still scared!

Why am I still scared?!

So just tell me what to do.

Just f*cking tell me what to do, Father!

Kneel.

What?

Kneel.

Just kneel.

[CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS]

- Is this a skirt and trousers?

- Sorry, sorry.

[PANTING]

[LOUD THUD]

[CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS]