03x03 - Original Cast Album: Co-Op

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

I'm Helen Mirren, and you're watching "Documentary Now!", Season 52.

In 1970, Broadway legends Simon Sawyer and Howard Pine allowed filmmaker R. C. Baumgartner to document the cast recording of their brand-new musical.

We give you the joy, the pain, and the music of "Co-Op".

Season 3, Episode 3 [Horn honks]

[Band playing]

Hey, Dave.

Barbara, Alby and I accidentally grabbed each other's cases again.

Look, I need my trumpet.

- How many channels are we recording on?

- Seven.

So we're definitely gonna need more than that.

Pbbbth.

At the co-op It's beaux arts under scaffolding The co-op - Well, we had had such an enormous hit - Huge.

with "Has Anyone Ever Told You That You'd Look Better As A Brunette?", which at the time was the longest title ever on Broadway, though of course now everyone's copied it.

So what next?

And then it hit us.

We were walking along 82nd and Third Avenue, which God and everyone else on Earth knows how beautiful that block is large, white, practical apartment buildings, and one of us said You said it.

I did not say it.

"There must be 200 units of apartments in that co-op, and that is 200 different stories," and we both thought there's a show in that.

I actually said, "That's not a good idea for a show".

Alright, this is it, people.

Settle.

"Co-Op" take one.

At the co-op It's Beaux-Arts under scaffolding Co-op The staff can't do anything Co-op But they might still strike this spring That's the gossip at the mail drop Here in our co-op Whose package is this?!

Something from Overnight Insulin Emergency Providers?

Going once, twice?

Nope?

Okay, garbage time.

Bye, bye, box!

Co-op Why's the water shut off today?

Co-op The super just walked away Co-op I'd rather squat in a loft than stay in this One-stop flop Called a co-op 22 floors and a roof deck that's off-limits A 160 units managed by a staff of dimwits We pay a king's ransom for a one-bedroom tomb But you can sort of see the Chrysler from the window In your room The window in your room And you don't own any land, just a box in the sky - Yeah, yeah, yeah - The neighbor's cooking kasha - Yeah, yeah, yeah - And your other neighbor d*ed Moving here felt lucky, but that time is forgot But you'll never give up your spot At the co-op Our blessed co-op Wow.

Well, that was a hell of a good first take.

Let's move on.

Okay.

Please let everybody know it's closed.

- You want me to do that?

- Please.

Uh, okay.

Uh, before we move on, uh, Howard and Simon have a note.

Oh, you can Or, um a factoid, I guess.

This show, "CO-OP: The Musical", has been closed.

And I can tell by the look on all of your faces that you didn't read the reviews that came out today, and therefore were not able to, uh, anticipate this news, but but it it is closed.

It's it's, uh, it's over.

It's it's not it's it's all done.

[All whispering]

Okay, we're back from the break.

I said "take 20", it's now half past, so Larry, I want to go right into your number.

Larry?

Put the coffee down.

Let's focus!

Alright.

Come on.

Come on!

Let's do this thing.

Orchestra?

Always accelerando, okay?

But never beyond allegro.

That's no comment on all of you, obviously.

Hey, I speak Italian, capiche?

Oh, you read the Times.

So you think I can't sing fast, huh?

[Bleep]

critics.

This is why I don't read this sh*t because because it's beneath my vision.

L-Like this one, like this one.

"In his show-stopping solo 'Christmas Tips', Mr. Lonson provided the night's only dramatic moment that is, with this actor so clearly out of breath by the first stanza be able to finish the fast-paced song or would he suffer cardiac arrest on-stage?" Okay?

Allegro?

Presto.

Fasto.

Huh?

Huh?

I'll I'll show you breath control.

Benedict: "Christmas Tips".

Orchestra!

Man and Woman: Hello Robbie.

Hello.

Welcome home Mister and Mrs, what is this?

I'll tell you, this is just a package I've been holding It's addressed to Mrs.

Goldstein What a co-op, what a lobby Every slob is acting snobby But you take a tip from Robbie You should tip your doorman The holidays are merry All the secrets that I carry One slip of the lip is scary 'Cause tomorrow you're not married I open the door Give kids high fives One, two, three I open the door And I watch your lives And the things you do So you better tip me 'Cause I watch your lives Mr.

Adams, Mrs.

Eve This is your gift I do believe?

A tree planted in Tel Aviv?

For your marriage, I now grieve You see only him, and me know Back when you were getting chemo That nurse who was Filipino Got knocked up with a bambino And he sent them off to Reno You should have tipped me better At least $100 and a sweater Make it cashmere, there's a letter From the nurse that would upset her - And breath.

- Full breath.

I open the door Give kids high-fives One, two, three I open the door And I watch your lives Your private lives Co-op, cooperate with me-eeee [Panting]

Alright?!

That's how you do allegro.

It's a New York soap opera One I've seen before It's a New York soap opera Open, close the door Hi, Judy.

Hi, Dee Dee.

Uh, you've been doing something wrong for about three weeks, and it's been annoying me.

I want to talk to you about it right now.

- Uh, let's see here.

- Okay?

Uh, bah, bah, bah, bah.

"It's a New York soap opera, and for love stay tuned".

It's a New York soap opera, and for love stay tuned It's a New York soap opera, and my heart is ruined No.

"Rooned".

And my heart is what?

"Rooned".

The word is "Rooned".

- "Ruined".

- "Rooned".

- I'm - R-U-I-N-E-D.

There's only one way to say it.

"Rooned".

Ru-in-ed.

Okay, supposing I asked you, in the past tense, how did you k*ll a whale?

- Is this a riddle?

- No.

It's a simple question.

How do you k*ll a whale?

I'm really intimidated by you right now.

You harpoon it, right?

Now say that in the past tense.

- "Harpoon-ed".

- Right.

Now take off the "H" and the "A" and "R".

- "Pooned".

- Now switch that "P" with an "R".

- "Rooned".

- Yeah.

You've got it now.

It's a New York Soap opera and for love stay tuned It's a New York soap opera, and my love is is rooned Perfect.

Now she's gonna say "harpooned" on this take, but that's not my fault.

Okay.

This was a good exercise.

Hi, Judy.

Hi.

Hope to see you at our holiday party tonight, Joe.

Holiday party?

God, no.

Hark the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn king Peace on Earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled [Music tempo increases]

If I'm being honest, it was all very harrowing When the invite came for an evening of caroling I don't like singing, I'm not much for conversation And the combo of the two gave me such hesitation I took a little something just to dull all the edges Either that or I was certain to be jumping off the ledges I'm really quite sorry, but I'm going to admit it I'm really so sorry, if I could I would quit it But the fact of the matter is I did a little cocaine tonight God rest ye merry gentlemen Let nothing you dismay Remember Christ our savior was born on Christmas Day I'm trying to relax but instead I keep finding That I'm sweating from my brow And my teeth won't stop grinding And my mouth is as dry as the sand of the Sahara-y So I miscalculated and I chugged down a sherry The whole room is spinning and I want to take a knee But instead I'll sneak a bump as I hide behind the tree I'm really very sorry that I can't stop talking I'm so very sorry for my chirping and my squawking But the fact of the matter is I did a little cocaine tonight Oh, man, here comes Ann She's the athlete from 12G She's the knees of the bees Always making eyes at me It would seem such a dream If I asked her for a dance But I just blew a rail and I'm gonna sh*t my pants - Hey, Ann, I'm Joe but of course you know - Hey there, Joe, yes, Joe, I know - I don't know why I'm telling you so - I was just about to go - I just got here and grabbed a beer - I'm partied out without a doubt - Are people singing or is it clear - When it comes to singing I can do without - You look stunning, is your nose running - Truth be told I have a cold - I can get a tissue if it's an issue - Oh, hell, I'm lying there's no denying If I come clean don't start a scene But in this moonlight, you're such a sight That it just feels right to admit I did A little bit of cocaine toniiiiiight!

- Do you have more?

- I can get some.

This will be take one of "My Home Court".

And we're gonna get the dialogue before the orchestra comes in, please?

Yes, right.

So in this part of the show, Dee Dee's character is trying to get an apartment in the building.

Right, so she's before the co-op board, but to her, she's just one of the tenant's tennis coaches.

- Hmm.

- So it's a it's a wish song.

It's also a co-op board meeting.

It's a fantasy fulfillment song like.

"My Boy Bill" in "Carousel", which is a flawed show, but it's still an "I want that" number.

Yes.

It's also an "application for an apartment" number.

It's a "bureaucratic apartment co-op board fantasy fulfillment" song.

Okay, let's roll!

Dee Dee, darling, when you're ready.

Norman: Thanks for the lesson today, Ann.

Be sure to ice that tennis elbow.

Say, do you know where the co-op board meets?

In the multi-purpose room.

Why?

Are you lost?

No.

I have a meeting to be approved!

I'm a pro down at the bubble I teach tennis for my pay I don't mean your board much trouble But may I join this game of doubles?

Can I play if I can pay?

You'll have questions with some top spin And my answers may be lobs But if you serve then I will volley And we'll rally tilt its folly And I'll earn 8K's key fob The world out there is made of only grass and clay Gimme concrete, be a sport I can conquer on that court That apartment my home court I can picture that studio fitted out With my style A brown and beige kinda mood, you know And metro-hex Green tile A framed Navratilova hangin' just above the sofa And the brown and the beige and the brown and the beige And the brown There's a nude by Avedon just above the toilet A naked guy with pubic hair and he's sort of I won't spoil it The right erotic art Says I'm sexual but smart And the brown and the beige and the brown and the beige And the brown I'm gonna make a life up there And the brown and the beige and the brown and the beige With floor to ceiling teak And the brown and the beige and the brown and the beige It's a palace of 500-square But it's Polynesian chic Don't think it's an insane wish That my chairs be winged and Danish And the brown and the beige and the brown and the beige And the brown I'm laying my dreams on you I already bought a fondue And the brown and the beige and the brown and the beige And the beige and the brown With the brown and the beige and the brown and the beige And the Brown!

Brown!

What a night, huh?

It's you guys I feel sorry for.

I mean, you know, you got to sit here and memorize these songs, these notes.

Jesus, look at all that.

You know, but I think we got it.

How am I?

I'm good.

You know, I mean these things they come and go, but you guys you're the artists.

I can pull the wool over the audience's eyes, but you're there every night.

It's your your opinion that I trust.

Am I bad at singing and acting?

Benedict: This is "I Gotta Go", take one.

Look at me, Cinderella Stroke of midnight Footmen?

Gone.

My glass slippers?

Now they're Merrells And Prince Charming?

He's just Ron Spell is broken Unenchanted Sheets are soiled Linens she picked up at Bloomies For a marriage that I spoiled I got to go, I got to go God damn it.

Benedict: Okay, okay, hold a moment.

- I got to go!

- I said "hold a moment", please.

Patty: Benedict, I've been here for 12 hours.

Let me just remind you.

I was supposed to sing at the beginning.

I was denied that opportunity again and again.

Now I have to go, so let's just do this, and I'll try to do my best.

It it the whole thing is flaccid.

It's like a buoyancy, you know?

I agree.

[Sighs]

Uh, Patty, once more from the top, please.

I got to go, I got to go God damn it.

I got to hail a pumpkin coach Aah!

"I Got to Go", take 11.

Patty: Benedict, just so we're clear, earlier, many times, I mentioned I had an eye-doctor appointment to get my eye scraped.

I have already taken the medication, and it's ripping through my system, so we need to be brisk with this.

Let's just do it.

And I got to go I should do better or different than this No [bleep]

kidding.

"I Got to Go", take 15.

"I Got to Go", take 20.

I've got to go Aah!

I got to hail a pumpkin coach - [Bleep]

sake.

- Take 22.

I want to go I want to go to the eye doctor now As previously stated, you pompous beta males "I Got to Go", take 27.

You know what?

I'm just gonna go.

I hope you all have terrible lives.

Thank you.

Wonderful job, orchestra.

And I worry we pushed her too far.

Actors have a point where over-noting can almost hurt the performance.

Listen, she'll be back, and she'll be great.

If there's two things I know, it's women and exactly what's going to happen in the future.

[Instruments tuning]

So I got to go If I don't go, I'm gone My life's past midnight I got to go Where there's breakfasts and crosswords And "see ya tomorrow"s after the night I got to go, I got to, I got to go The world is a question This room is an answer And the answer is no I got to go, I got to be free Me!

Donna Bloom!

Oh!

Simon: Patty, honey, it's Simon.

You took that right off the page, and you made it soar.

Patty, Patty, come in here.

We want you to listen to this.

C-Come listen inside.

Oh, the poor girl, she's blind as a bat.

[Instruments clattering]

Alright.

The moment we've all been waiting for.

The last song.

This is the last song of "Coop".

- "Co-Op".

- "Co-Op"!

- "Co-Op".

- "Co-Op".

Excuse me.

It has been a long 24-hour recording session, and you all got terrible reviews, and the show is closed, but you know what?

Let it go.

That's my gift to you.

Simon: And we need to clear the space.

That's right.

Poco's coming in to record an album, so we got to move fast.

Simon, was there anything you wanted to say?

When you lean into a rhyme, you shatter the conversational tone of the lyric.

It's like nails on a blackboard to me, and I love you all.

Beautiful.

Alright.

Let's roll tape.

Five, six, seven, eight Excuse me!

Wait!

Damn it, kid!

You pushed my buttons.

You literally pushed every elevator button.

Awful lot of spunk, what a little punk Hits every g*dd*mn floor, runs out the door I knew that that kid stunk From one look at birth I knew this day would come Now he's a hoodlum Going down?

We are going up Are you certain?

Yep Adam Klein, that prick pulled a little trick Ugh, when will he grow up?

Kids like that don't grow up, no They sh**t up and die!

Man, you're an angry guy I know All I ever wanted was to not be a doorman Maybe play for the Yankees Or be wealthy in general But we don't get what we want So we must love what we get Would you like to go out socially?

Uh, down?

No, we're going up Some [bleep]

kid pushed every floor But come and ride because it's merrier with more Yes, we're going up Up to the penthouse in the sky All 'cause little Adam Klein's a shitty guy Yes, we're going up Moving?

Moving so to speak Not to be oblique But the truth is I live somewhere else It's unique Til today I was lately a home-wrecking sneak It was pretty bleak Going down?

Ha!

Here's the bastard now.

- Jesus Christ!

- Have you any shame?

- Oh, my God.

- This the guy that cheats?

And I've the receipts And his tipping is lame Does the whole co-op suddenly know my affairs?

Care to take the stairs?

Ha, the stairs.

Yeah, right, I hate the stairs.

I mean, going down them isn't the worst, but going up Stairs in either direction is a nightmare.

God, I love elevators.

God, I love this co-op.

All: Me, too!

Me, three!

Yes, we're going up!

Co-ops crudely cooperate It's a hassle, but still somehow kind of great So we're going up In this rising purgatory Checking in on everyone and every story Yes, we're going up And the brown and beige and the brown and the beige - And the brown.

- Yes, we're going up!

And the brown and beige and the brown and the beige And the brown and beige and the brown and the beige Co-op, I love you!