04x05 - The Blood Boy

[bunniefuu]

This is where it all began, gentlemen.

The birthplace of Hooli.

Peter Gregory's mother's garage.

That was Peter's workstation.

This was mine.

Things sure have changed.

But in a way, they've stayed exactly the same.

As we forge our new path together, we must remain focused on what's really important not material success or wealth, but this, the spirit of innovation a few coders, some ramen, and a dream.

And that is why I brought you here.

All right.

Let me show you the rest of the place.

(whirring)

Gilfoyle: Ah.

You've got a garage inside your garage.

Impressive.

I'll move you in as soon as construction is complete.

It's going to be exquisite.

Frank Gehry has really outdone himself.

Yeah.

Frank is the f*cking best.

He does all my buildings.

Richard: Okay, guys.

We're all set up.

Shall we?

Yes!

Let's do it, of course.

Richard: All right.

So, in building this peer-to-peer Internet, the paradox that we're up against is that people won't want to participate until the quality is high, and the quality won't be high until, um and the quality won't be high until we have a lot of people opt in to the network, so that presents a little bit of a-a a unique Continue.

Oh.

Uh, okay.

It presents a bit of a problem what with that we kind of need to build Oh.

Uh (stammers)

Richard, everything okay?

I don't know.

Is it?

Oh, sorry.

Guys, Bryce.

Bryce, guys.

Uh, actually, we've met.

Oh.

Hey, Donald.

Uh, it's Jared now.

- So, Gavin.

Bryce is?

- (machine beeps)

- Very discreet.

- (whirring)

Keep going.

This is great.

Uh, is Bryce your assistant?

No, of course not.

He's my transfusion associate.

Which is?

Are you really not familiar with parabiosis?

Can't say that I am.

Well, the science is actually pretty fascinating.

Regular transfusions of the blood of a younger, physically fit donor can significantly ret*rd the aging process.

And Bryce is a picture of health.

Just look at him.

He looks like a n*zi propaganda poster.

Oh.

(people chattering)

Erlich: This is quite the baby shower.

I bet you think you're some big swinging d*ck, now that you're getting invited to all these fancy VC soirees.

Yes.

My d*ck is very enormous and my app made Raviga a lot of money.

And I still pay no rent.

Nobody likes a braggart, Jian-Yang.

Hey, guys.

Hello.

Congratulations.

You're pregnant.

Erlich: No, no, no.

No, she No, she No, no.

Uh-uh.

(clears throat)

FYI, Monica, my invite must have gotten lost in the e-mail, but young Jinathin was kind enough to add me as his plus-one.

Don't look at me.

This is all Ed Chen's doing.

- (chattering)

- Erlich: Is that Aarush Agrawal?

- Monica: Mm-hmm.

- I thought he retired.

He's still on the board.

What would a cofounder of Raviga be doing at a baby shower?

- How often is he even in the building?

- Like once a year.

Ed Chen threw this whole thing just to suck up to Laurie.

Monica this is not a baby shower.

This is a coup.

What are you talking about?

Ed Chen didn't throw this party to impress Laurie.

He threw it to oust her.

Invite all these misogynistic A-holes who think that pregnancy is a weakness, convince them that she's shirking her responsibilities at Raviga.

You said it yourself, there's more d*ck in here than a synthetic p*ssy convention.

I didn't say anything close to that.

- No?

- No.

(inhales deeply)

Regardless, Ed Chen and Aarush are bro'ing down.

I suggest you get in before you get cut out.

You see this guy?

Monica: Tequila sh*ts at a baby shower.

You want me to join the frat house?

Unfortunately, in this climate, Monica, - you either bro down or you go down.

- Monica.

Laurie is also pregnant.

Jian-Yang, are you drinking creamer?

It's half-half.

Which brings us to our one final, crucial question.

What value can we offer now to the user to entice them to download the app and opt in to our network?

And the answer is the brand-new Pied Piper app.

The app will take all of the data on a person's phone and compress it, freeing up 20 percent more storage.

They can have half of that free memory, while we will take the other half, walled off on their phone, for our own future use.

- It's a win-win.

- Gavin: Mmm.

That's very well thought out.

Well done, gentlemen.

So, when do we announce?

Announce what?

Richard, when I do something, it's news.

Don't you think you want to lean into that?

We'll announce, rack up huge user interest, and then do a massive public launch at scale.

Uh, no.

We planned this under the assumption that it would be rolling out quietly and not really talking about our ultimate intentions.

Besides, rolling out at scale is a completely different model with vastly different technical and business challenges.

And we're not prepared for that.

No.

I think we'd all agree that a a stealth rollout would be best for this one.

Mmm.

(inhales sharply)

Gavin: Bryce?

Did you have a thought?

Uh, well you know, it just seems like a missed opportunity.

I mean, shouldn't you figure out how a big launch would work before you just say no to it?

- Hmm.

- Or Or not.

You know, it's not my company.

That is so true.

You know, Richard, Bryce makes a good point.

Why don't you guys just whip up an alternate launch plan with a big public rollout, and then we can compare apples to apples.

Gavin, all-all all due respect.

This plan took two weeks to develop.

Hard work is the price of greatness, so let's get to work.

Woo!

Well, this meeting was just absolutely f*cking great!

Richard, Donald Goldfoil!

(breathes deeply)

Woo!

(laughs)

Go team!

Woo!

Uh the f*ck just happened?

- (clears throat)

Hey, Bryce?

- Yeah?

Wh uh, next time you're at a meeting of our company, of which you are not a part of in any respect, can you please keep your little ideas to yourself?

I'm I'm sorry.

I'm just I'm just trying to be helpful.

Richard: Well, you weren't, at all.

I mean, we had him on our side, because I'd basically just convinced Gavin that a stealth rollout was the best idea.

Uh, you know, well, I It's just a stealth rollout doesn't sound like the way to go to me.

What-What What are you talking about?

I mean, Gavin has obviously had a lot more success than you, Richard, and I just think having an asset like Gavin Belson - on your side - What'd you say?

- You d*ck!

- Whoa!

You d*ck!

You d*ck!

- Okay.

- Whoa.

All right.

- f*ck you!

- Okay.

It's okay.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

It's okay.

This is already the best job I ever had.

I don't know what to say.

I am so, so sorry.

I just couldn't let Bryce talk to you like that.

- Did I frighten you?

- Richard: No.

f*ck him, right?

And f*ck Gavin.

I mean, what, we take his orders now?

He's our boss?

We're supposed to be partners, you know, like equals.

Right?

And what?

He's taking the advice of that stupid, little pretty boy over me?

Wait.

He has a garage in his garage?

And he has a yacht with a pool on it and a pool with a yacht in it.

And he has a real, live blood boy.

What?

He has an actual blood boy?

That's real?

Yeah, he's real.

Real mouthy.

I mean, he's sticking his perfectly symmetrical face into actual smart people's business.

I mean, that Ken doll probably thinks traversing a binary search tree runs in the order of "n," instead of "log n. " Idiot.

Jared called him a d*ck.

Seriously?

To his face?

No.

- Yeah.

- Dinesh: That sounds awesome.

But it's probably nothing compared to the thousands upon thousands of gnarled male genitals that you get to see every day at your job.

- (mutters)

f*ck.

- (door opens)

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Brought you some dinner, 'Neshi.

- Thank you.

- (Mia giggles)

- "'Neshi"?

Shut the f*ck up, Gilfoyle.

You just missed these idiots telling me how hard they're selling out by working for f*cking Galvin Belson in his disgusting lap of luxury.

Seriously, how can you work for that assh*le?

My man, the Gavin k*ller, would never compromise his principles for money.

Oh, no?

No, he would not.

And he is busy doing the rewarding work of keeping the Internet free of graphic sexual imagery.

Hey, can we eat later?

Of course.

(giggles)

I'm gonna go put this in the fridge.

Okay.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, you actually still haven't told her - that your takedown of Gavin Belson - Shh!

- was an accident?

- (Dinesh whispers)

It hasn't come up.

- We were just talking about him - (phone plays tune)

- with her, so it did come up.

- Just - Gavin.

Hello.

- Hey, could you Gavin (on phone)

: Richard, did you and a member of your team verbally as*ault my transfusion associate?

Do you have any idea what that kind of stress could do to his cortisol levels?

And therefore, my cortisol levels?

Y Yeah.

Well, uh, he's not technically in the company, and he kind of just butted in, so Is your ego so fragile that if someone disagrees with you, you have to demean them?

I want you to go and apologize to Bryce immediately.

Why should I apologize?

Why should I be in business with someone who treats support staff with such contempt?

You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they treat the little people, Richard.

I bet you're mean to waiters, too.

(guffaws)

What?

No.

I'm I'm awesome to waiters.

Well, then I suggest you be awesome to Bryce, too.

His blood is flowing through my veins, Richard.

- Make this right.

- (line clicks)

f*cking blood boy.

(knocking)

What do you want, Richard?

Bryce, I wanted to swing by and apologize for yelling at you when you offered your very unsolicited opinion.

Also, on behalf of Jared, we mean no disrespect to you or your career choice.

Okay?

My career choice?

You think that I moved out here to be a blood boy?

- Did you know I have a degree in CS?

- You do?

Yeah, but you probably thought that I was just, you know, some dumb jock.

Well, that's typical, because people who look like me, we never get taken seriously in the tech business by people who look like you.

You're biased.

Whoa.

Hang on.

I am not biased.

Okay?

Aw, come on!

Hey, the whole business is biased!

I mean, that's the only way that a good-looking guy like me could get in a room with Gavin Belson, is by being a blood boy!

And that sucks.

I I got to work out constantly.

I can't have a beer with my friends.

I can't eat junk food.

Do you know that Gavin made me go full veg?

I mean, f*ck soy, man!

But to people like you, I'm just a beautiful bag of blood.

But you know what?

I got some pretty good f*cking ideas, and Gavin actually listens to those ideas.

It took a while, but he respects me.

And you know what, Richard Hendricks?

You clearly f*cking don't.

- So good night.

- W Hey, look, it's Osama Bin f*ckin'.

Thought you were staying at Mia's tonight.

I was going to, but, alas, I had some intestinal distress, so I couldn't stay, which really sucks because she's so great, which really is horrible, because it's so hard to be away from her, because she's so great.

Can I contin I have no diarrhea.

I lied.

I am so f*cked.

This girl is gonna k*ll me - or get me k*lled.

- Do tell.

So, she's super attractive, and she's super smart, and she's way into me, like way more than a normal person should be.

And sex!

There's so much sex!

The problem is the part after.

When you have to apologize.

No.

When we do pillow talk.

Oh.

That's the best part.

Everything before that is just foreplay.

Not with her.

She'll tell me how cute I am, and how into me she is, and how she hacked into Bowman Avenue dam.

That was the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

No.

It was her.

She pinned it on them.

She flooded an area being surveyed for hotel construction.

Just to confirm, honesty is off the table, right?

Because it seems like the longer you wait, the the worse it's gonna get.

I'm with Jared.

You should wait.

I have to end it, right now.

- First thing Monday.

- Mmm.

Well, Saturday is her sister's wedding.

And then Sunday you know, Sundays are just for me, you guys know that.

Wait.

Her sister's wedding?

- That's what you should be afraid of.

- Why?

Gilfoyle: That's a threshold that you don't want to cross.

Well, I mean, weddings are very public events with photographers taking pictures of you - indelibly tied to her.

- (door opens)

Jared: Those are forever photos.

- Forever.

- (door closes)

(slowly)

f*ck.

Hey, guys.

I'm trying to find Erlich.

Is he "holding"?

I'm afraid you caught me at an inopportune time.

I'm long overdue to a trip to my dispensary, so I don't have much.

But I have Bubba Kush, Chocolate Thunder, Barbara Bush, Barbara Streisand, Barbara Bush, Jr.

Yeah, this this is plenty.

No, no.

That That's actually for my astigmatism.

- Okay.

- (stammers)

This is in case of emergency only.

I'll need it if an earthquake occurs.

Okay.

Just give me whatever.

I don't care.

It's not for me.

It's for Ed Chen.

What are you up to, clever girl?

Well, I took your advice.

It wasn't pretty, but, uh, I bro'ed down with him pretty hard.

I mean, I think I did.

It's To be honest, I was kind of all over the map.

I shotgunned a warm beer, and then I acted all blown away when he showed me 40 minutes of snowboarding videos set to Diplo remixes.

Good on you.

But it worked.

I'm in.

Ed copped to everything, and said that as long as I don't say anything to Laurie, - I have a seat at the table.

- Huh.

Wait.

Did he say that?

Those were his exact words?

You'll have a seat if you don't tell Laurie?

Yeah.

So?

Oh, dear.

That does not bode well for you.

- (lighter flicks)

- What do you mean?

Well, if Ed Chen is afraid of you saying anything to Laurie, then that means that the deal isn't solidified yet.

He doesn't have the votes.

Unfortunately for you, that would mean you may have put your money on the wrong horse.

So you mean Laurie still has a chance to survive this coup?

Well, then why did you say I should bro down with Ed Chen?

I say a lot of things, Monica.

I say a lot of things.

Um I know you think I'm some sort of crusading badass who built a ticking time b*mb and slipped it to Gavin Belson to bring him down as retribution for his wrongdoings.

But the truth is, because of my gross incompetence during my brief and utterly disgraceful tenure as PiperChat CEO, I incurred billions of dollars in COPPA fines by exploiting underage users, and was saved only by my own cowardice, which led to me throwing up on myself.

Anyway, I'll show myself out.

(breathes deeply)

I'm so proud of you.

It took guts for you to tell me this.

Oh, no, no, no, it didn't actually.

Full disclosure I knew all about this.

I hacked into your phone the first night we were together when you were in the bathroom.

I was in there a while.

I was hoping that once I earned your trust, you'd feel comfortable telling me.

- And you finally did!

- I did.

This may sound crazy, but if you hadn't by this weekend, I was actually considering disinviting you from my sister's wedding.

- (both laugh)

- No way.

But you trusted me with your big secret.

So I'll trust you with another of mine.

- Oh, no, you don't have to.

You don't.

- Shh-shh!

Shh!

(whispers)

I hacked the elevators at the Freedom Tower.

(slowly)

No.

(kisses)

f*cking k*ll me and send me to the horrors of heaven.

It'd be better than this sh*t.

Guys, I know this has been a ton of work, and we wouldn't have to do it if pretty boy kept his mouth shut, and the stealth launch is still clearly the play, but now we can show Gavin that we fleshed out both options.

And we can still push the space-saving app and not talk about our new Internet until we're ready.

- Ahoy, gents.

- Geary Street.

What, you're eating health food now?

- (scoffs)

- Can you imagine?

(laughs)

Geary Street Organics is not a health food store?

(chuckles)

Richard, you are a stitch.

No, it's my dispensary.

I mean, they have some edibles there.

- They're not very healthy.

- f*cking blood boy.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Uh, yeah.

I was walking around your 'hood, and I thought I'd swing by, and we could talk about tech, you know, 'cause we both know so much about it.

- Cool.

- Oh, man.

I-I I don't know if you know this, but you your eyes are super red right now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I have allergies.

Really?

This time of year?

Huh.

Uh, hey, um, look, w what are doing?

Oh, just just hanging, man.

Why?

You paranoid?

Paranoid?

No.

You know, Bryce, I got to be honest, I'm a little hungry.

Do you have anything to eat?

Uh, just some creatine, protein powder, soy extract.

Well, I'm kind of looking for something a little bit more sweet.

(laughs)

Oh, Bryce!

Yeah.

That That's not mine.

(scoffs)

That's for my guests.

My My fat guests.

You know, the fella who owns the house I live in, he buys food like this, because when he uses the products he buys at the very same health food store you go to, he gets cravings for food just like this.

And this stuff is not good for your blood.

Geary Street Organics isn't a food store, is it?

It's a pot dispensary.

Isn't it?

Ha.

I got you, Bryce!

You f*ckin' liar!

(laughs)

You said you had a degree in CS.

Well, bullshit.

I checked.

It's not Computer Science.

It's "Calisthenic Studies.

" What?

What?

You listen to me, you muscle-bound, handsome Adonis.

Tech is reserved for people like me.

Okay?

The freaks, the weirdos, the misfits, the geeks, the dweebs, the dorks!

Not you.

Oh, and your days of leeching off Gavin Belson are over.

Game over, blood boy.

You f*ckin' nerd.

Monica: Laurie?

Look.

(sighs)

I know you've been unhappy with me lately.

Correct.

Look.

I'm asking you to trust me on something.

Ed Chen has been making moves behind your back with the other partners to try and force you out of Raviga.

You are referring to the baby shower ruse.

- You knew about that?

- Monica, this is my fourth child.

I am no stranger to these types of machinations.

However, I have countervailed it with my Your fourth child?

Yes.

As I was saying I have spoken to our top LPs and lined up enough of them in order to leave Raviga and start a new firm.

It struck me as a opportune time to jump ship.

Holy sh*t!

You're a f*ckin' ninja.

No.

Even though your disclosure just now had absolutely no actionable value, it did reveal tremendous loyalty, so all is well now.

So, you're not mad at me anymore?

No, Monica.

I am a human being, just like you, like Ed Chen and this.

Furthermore a question, Monica.

Would you care to jump ship with me?

You are, after all, my best friend.

What?

- - (church bell ringing)

- (people chattering)

- (camera clicks)

(mutters)

Oh f*ck.

Mia: What are you guys doing?

Man: Hands behind your back, now!

- (guests murmuring)

- Mia: Get your hands off me!

- Oh, um, I got it.

- Man: Ma'am, calm down.

- Mia: You can't do this!

- Woman: Let her go!

Mia: I want my lawyer!

- And just take the cuffs off.

- What is the meaning of this?

- Dinesh, they're arresting me!

- What?

Step back, sir.

Good people of the FBI, I don't know what sorts of things you were told or who told them to you we may never know but I can assure you that this young woman is - (grunts)

- (Mia gasps)

(knocks)

Gavin.

I'm sorry to drop in on you, but I happened to have a very enlightening conversation with your "transfusion associate.

" So did I.

S S Sorry?

Come in, Richard.

Oh wow.

It's all broken again.

- Mind the glass.

- (glass crunching)

Okay.

He's writing a tell-all?

Apparently, he landed a very lucrative deal to air my dirty laundry over the years.

He said it was his only career move left.

I told you, Richard, everything I do is news.

But didn't he sign an NDA with you?

I mean, can't you sue him?

That would only prove everything he's saying is true and make it worse.

Speaking of, I had my blood tested this morning.

My cholesterol is through the roof.

At this rate, I'll be dead by the age of 120.

Oh, no.

That I'm so sorry.

No.

Richard, I'm sorry.

I told you that a big public rollout of our product would be good for the company.

The truth is, I thought it would be good for me (emotionally)

to change the narrative that I'm a fraud and a failure.

Come on, Bryce is the fraud.

And yet, I sat here taking business advice from him.

A f*cking blood boy.

Just look at me.

I'm a fraud, and everyone knows it.

And when I fell, not one person stood up for me.

What does that say?

I just think it's all over for me now.

No, it's it's not over.

Look I chose to partner with you.

That That says something.

You didn't want me.

You wanted the patent.

If I had just given it to you, you would've walked out that door and never looked back.

f*ck it!

(emotionally)

I'm done.

Done?

No.

No, Gavin, you're not you're not done.

I mean, what about our company?

What about the new Internet?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Gavin, uh - (phone ringing)

- (clears throat)

- (Gavin shouts)

f*ck you, God!

- (glass shatters)

What have I done to deserve this?

(glass shattering)

Yes.

CJ Cantwell, please.

(door opens)

Something you want to share with us, Richard?

I take it you saw the interview?

"Belson and Hendricks prepare to launch a Pied Piper product soon.

" So much for a stealth rollout.

You went along with him after all.

TechCrunch and Recode, and The Wall Street Journal picked it up as well.

Gilfoyle: I hate to invoke the Nazarene, but, Jesus Christ, what the f*ck, Richard?

Guys, in a world where there is no Gavin Belson, yeah, the stealth rollout was the best play.

But we need his patent, and his funding, and, also, we need his brain.

I know this is going to be a sh*t-ton of work, but Gavin is our partner.

We need him engaged.

I made the call.

Well, sometimes you have to make compromises.

I mean, I once slept with the head of an assisted-living facility to get my friend Muriel bumped up the wait list.

Am I proud of it?

No.

Do I regret it?

(laughing)

I'm out!

Oh my God.

Oh!

Out of what exactly?

My relationship!

The wedding got raided.

The FBI got an anonymous tip about Mia's hacking exploits.

Can you believe that?

Just my luck!

I'm home free!

You ratted your girlfriend out to the FBI, because you're too big of a p*ssy to break up with her?

I'll never tell, but yes, yes, I did.

The FBI lady hit me in the face, so Mia's never going to suspect me.

Uh, Richard, now that Mia and I have parted ways, can I come work for you at Gavin's?

Please, please, please.

Well, uh, yes, Dinesh, of course.

Uh, in fact, we just announced, so climb aboard.

(laughs)

Awesome!

I'm going to go call Periscope, tell them I quit.

Best day ever.

No more d*ck pics!

- (phone plays tune)

- Uh (clears throat)

Hello, Gavin.

Gavin (on phone): Richard, I read your little article.

What you said means a great deal.

I'm sure if the situation was reversed, you'd do the same for me.

Absolutely not.

I would've let you bleed to death in the street.

- Oh.

(chuckles)

- Gavin: And that gives me pause.

I have a lot of work to do, Richard.

We all do, so get back on the saddle, you.

- (chuckles)

- Gavin: No, Richard.

I have a lot work I need to do on myself.

I'm going away.

For, like, the weekend or?

Gavin: No, Richard.

Many weekends.

Weekdays as well.

- (knocks on door)

- Where Uh, hang on.

There's someone at the door.

Gavin: I know.

I sent you something.

Consider it a little parting gift.

(jet engines whirring)

Good luck to you, Richard.

It's from Gavin.

What is it?

It's the patent.

He just signed over full ownership to me.

On the phone, he said he was going to go find himself.

I think Gavin's gone.

Well, what about his funding?

And his brain?

I think he took both of those with him.

- (door opens)

- (straining)

We got one more thing.

(door closes)

All right!

What has two thumbs, zero d*ck pics, and just quit Periscope?

What the f*ck is that?

The biggest d*ck pic of all.

(hip-hop music playing)

Mic check (laughs)

Mic check - One, two, three - One, two, three Too many rappers, and there's still not enough MCs - It goes three, two, one - Three, two, one MCA, Ad-Rock, Mike D, that's how we get it done Like ladies and gents, attention Nas in the house with Beastie Boys We can turn it out Perpetrators, we can point 'em out So if you've got somethin' On your mind, let it out Like a Nexus-6 Comin' home to roost Handheld 58 When it's time to get loose Don't need the ear goggles Put me through the speakers Like a scientist With tubes and beakers Have MCs over My house and fix 'em brunch But you rappers?

We goin' out, goin' dutch So pass me the sword