03x03 - Part-Time Hires

[bunniefuu]

So without further ado, it's my great pleasure to welcome our newest part-time employee, Emma Dubanowski.

[applause]

That's very nice of you and also very unnecessary.

Oh, there's more.

14 years ago, our Cloud 9 family got a little bigger.

- Aww!

- Oh!

Adorable.

- Mom - I don't know how he got those pictures.

Oh, I keep a copy of all the photos employees get developed here.

- What?

- That's horrifying.

You don't have any of my photos, because I don't pose for them.

[laughs]

You know, if I ever got kidnapped, the police would have quite a time finding a current photo to put on the news.

Anyway, over the years, we've watched Amy's daughter Emma grow.

Who could forget the time that she lost a tooth right here in the store and Elias ate it 'cause he thought it was a Chiclet?

Glenn, you're drifting.

Oh.

Okay, well, we'll finish that later.

Anyway, Emma, we are so happy that you're here, and we hope you have a great first day!

[cheers and applause]

Emma!

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, also, starting today is Kelly Watson.

[clears throat]

Hi, everyone.

I'm really excited to be here.

[upbeat music]

[clears throat]

Oh, excuse me.

Hi.

Um is that guy working here today?

Um, I don't know his name, but he has piercing brown eyes and an amazing butt?

Scott.

Yeah, he's just fixing one of the coring rigs.

Okay.

Well, thank you.

That's so cool.

You're starting to move on from Jeff.

Oh, I just like flirting with him.

I mean, just because you're not gonna buy doesn't mean you can't check out the merchandise, right?

- Ew.

- So are you just gonna stand there till he comes out?

Yeah.

I mean, I stand here or stand over there, what does it matter?

This whole job is standing places.

Okay.

So ninth grade.

Fidget spinners, huh?

Hey.

Don't distract Jonah.

- I wasn't.

- We were just gabbing.

Go collect the clothes from the dressing rooms, then fold them, hang them, put them on the racks, and I'll come show you how to scrub down the bathrooms.

- Seriously?

- Yes, seriously.

Lose the attitude.

Go.

- [huffs]

- [scoffs]

Wow.

Pretty tough on her.

I feel like I barely did anything my first day.

- Yeah, we all felt that way.

- Hmm.

She just has such an attitude since the divorce.

That's why I'm making her work here.

I'm hoping she gets some discipline.

And you're not worried that if you're too hard on her, Adam gets to be the good guy?

What?

No.

It's just that when my parents separated, they both wanted to be the favorite.

I came home one day and my dad had gotten me a ten-disc box set of Churchill speeches.

And that was something you wanted?

Uh, yeah.

[Laughs]

I'm still closer with him than I am with my mom.

Although that might be because he doesn't send me long, pointless texts about book club.

Yeah, see, Latino parents are different.

We don't really need our kids to like us.

We just break their spirit so the world doesn't.

Huh.

And why why do you pierce your babies' ears so earl I am not on a panel.

This is not "ask a Latina. " Got it.

I'll just find out on Reddit.

Don't you know you're my everything Whoa, whoa, sweet thing Hey, listen.

I know we haven't been having sex recently, so I thought I should explain what's going on.

Dina, I'm with a customer right now.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Step back, please.

Can I just put this Step back.

There.

Happy?

- Mm.

- Anyway, I have been experiencing some anxiety recently, and please don't spread this around, but I've started going to a shrink.

Actually, two shrinks.

One's a control.

Long story short, I've been dealing with some personal crap.

Okay.

Well, um, maybe we just take a little break.

Let you work on you.

Oh.

Yeah, that would probably be good.

At least until I get my head together.

We can't take that back if it's broken.

Um hi, sorry.

I-I'm a rookie, or a newb.

I don't know what we call it here.

Anyway, um, no one has told me exactly what I should be doing.

Okay, I just really don't have time to hold your hand right now, so just go zone softlines or something.

Okay, but when you say "zone" and also when you say "softlines" Ugh!

Okay, you are impossible.

Just go away.

Go away.

- Oh.

- Go.

Uh-oh.

[Laughs]

Beam me up, Scotty!

[scanner beeping]

Okay.

So flip, flip, voilà .

Got it?

[snaps fingers]

Hey!

Pay attention.

Who are you texting?

Relax.

It's just Dad.

Okay, it's flip So what were you and your dad texting about?

Uh, inside joke.

You wouldn't get it.

Wow.

Since when do you have inside jokes with your dad?

It was just something that happened at Six Flags.

Oh!

You guys went to Six Flags.

Fun.

Cool, cool, cool.

Um, is is this right?

No.

So look, I was thinking maybe, I don't know, we could go see that horror film you want tomorrow night?

I mean, I know I said you were too young, but, eh I can't.

Um, I'm seeing Twenty One Pilots in concert tomorrow with Dad.

Oh.

So many activities.

[uncomfortable music]

So apparently, Emma loves her dad now.

That's terrible?

No, I mean, obviously, I want her to love her dad, but she's been pushing me away, and all of a sudden, they're like besties.

I thought Latinos don't care if their kids like them.

I really think you're painting with too broad a cultural brush here.

- No, that was - First, it's that he's more fun, then she's gonna want to live with him, and before you know it, it's, "Sorry, Mom, can't make it to your birthday party.

" I'm too busy listening to Churchill speeches with Dad.

" Oh, that would be a crazy coincidence.

I don't know.

Maybe I maybe I should be a little less strict with her, at least until I'm number one again.

[scoffs]

You're an intense mom.

I do not want to be around when Emma starts dating.

[shouting]

Why would you even mention that?

Oh, yeah, that's what we heard.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Hey.

[sympathetically]

Hey Garrett.

How's it going, big guy?

I'm fine.

Listen, some of us get together on Thursdays and do a little wine club thing.

You could join us if you want.

Why would I do that?

Well, you know, 'cause of what happened.

With you and Dina.

[whispering]

How she dumped you.

What?

You are going to find someone so great.

I don't know what you guys heard, but I did not get dumped.

It was mutual.

No.

- It's never mutual.

- It's never mutual.

- Mm-mm.

- Mm-mm.

I know it's not Six Flags, but go-backs can be fun.

I like to go back, go back I like to go back!

I like to go back, go back I like to go back I like the enthusiasm!

I like to go back I like to go back I like to go back, I like to go back Go way back, back So how's school?

What's going on?

What's the hot goss?

"Hot goss"?

You know what I mean.

Come on, spill it, girl.

Excuse me.

You were gonna check to see if you had any floor cleaner in the back?

- Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot.

- You forgot?

Listen, if you don't feel like doing something, don't waste my time.

[shouting]

Excuse me, sir.

- You need to back off.

She is 14.

- Yeah, well Also, you're upset about floor cleaner.

Who even uses floor cleaner anymore?

What are you, an orderly from the '50s?

- No.

- [mockingly]

No.

Right.

So go away.

Wow.

That was awesome.

I can be awesome.

[laughs]

Stop, no, it's hideous.

No, no, I'm serious.

Not everyone can pull off a vest.

Oh, believe me, I know.

- I work here.

- [Laughs]

I gotta run.

Uh, my break's almost over.

Hey, actually, do you think it'd be cool if I borrowed your badge to use the employee bathroom?

I mean, we have porta-potties, but, uh, you know, kinda gross, so Uh, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Not a problem at all.

Just go to town.

Thanks.

You're the best.

[giggling nervously]

It's happening!

Uh-huh.

Uh, okay.

What is that supposed to mean?

Just that you know, sometimes people flirt with people to get stuff.

Like, there's this cashier at the Steak 'n Shake who always gives me free fries when I wear shorts.

Yeah, well, that's not what's happening here, so - Okay.

- You can tell by his eyes.

- Okay.

- You don't know him.

I'm sorry.

You're right, I don't.

Yeah.

Hey, Dina.

Ninja Turtles are still a thing, huh?

No wonder this country's a garbage fire.

Hey, why did you tell Justine that you broke up with me?

Because she asked me, "What's new with you," and so I told her.

One of my birds has pinkeye, I broke up with you, and I just signed up for golf lessons.

Okay, but you didn't break up with me.

It was mutual, and if anything, I suggested it.

But I took you up on it.

If you had suggested it and I said, "No, I don't want that," would we still be sleeping together?

I-I don't know.

I guess, but Well, there you go, champ.

[laughs quietly]

Hey.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

Do you know what a softline is?

I don't have time for this.

Excuse me.

Do you know what a softline is?

I don't live here.

I'm from Tampa.

[humming]

Haley's dating a junior.

Huh?

I mean, it's not really "hot goss," but she doesn't sit with us at lunch anymore, and she goes off campus with Connor.

Wow.

And, um, how does your dad feel about that?

Oh, I haven't told him.

Nice.

Oh, uh, no, you're not done.

The floor's so dirty, how can you even tell?

Well, because the floor is still slippery.

Okay.

Fine.

Actually, you know what?

It'd be kind of punk rock if we just left it.

How about you and I go get a soda?

- Come on.

- Okay.

Slippery floors, that could be our little inside thing.

Like how?

[yelps]

- [groaning]

- Like, I could text you the banana emoji, and you would know what I was talking about.

- Huh?

- Sure.

So now Justine might have to get her jaw wired shut.

You see, this is what happens when you try to be friends with your kid.

She could be zoning, she could be cleaning, but no.

She's just standing there.

Do you think any of this might be stemming from the fact that you feel like you're losing control of See, this is how it starts.

First, she's texting at work.

And then she's not doing her homework.

And then she's hanging out with the bad kids.

And before you know it, she's pregnant and addicted to pills and dancing for strangers.

Oh, those were those are really bad kids.

You want me to, uh want me to go yell at her?

Yes.

Actually, yeah.

that would be great.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I was just kidding.

I never yell.

Even when I'm mad, I just push it down really deep, and then sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, panicked and sweaty for no reason.

Oh.

[Laughs]

I'm, like, obsessed with the gym.

I live there.

I'm really into, like, core stuff and just all sports in general.

I mean, whatever you're doing, it's[inhales sharply]

It's working.

Oh.

[Giggles]

Hey, um, you think I could get that badge for the bathroom again?

Oh.

Oof.

Um.

You know what?

I would love to, um, but I could actually get into trouble with my boss.

Oh.

Yeah, I mean, I am a bad boy, but not that way.

Sure.

I'll just, uh use the porta-potty, then.

Okay, well, don't take too long.

We haven't even traded stretching tips yet.

[sighs]

- Excuse me, hi.

- Hey, listen, I'm sorry about before.

I hadn't eaten anything, and, uh, I got a weird call from my wife.

Okay, let me stop you right there.

I was wrong for yelling at you earlier.

That girl, she messed up, and the only way she's gonna learn how to do her job right is if customers yell at her.

Okay.

So if you wanted to, like, go over there and really give it to her, that would be fine.

I mean, like, don't hold back.

Obviously, don't hit her, but if you wanted to shake her a little, that would be cool.

I'm not gonna shake a little girl.

No, no, I'm her mom.

I'm not gonna report it.

Little tip: it works better if you scan from, like, six inches away.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

[sighs]

You're, like, the only person who's actually helped me.

Oh, aren't you sweet?

I think we're gonna be good friends.

I hope so.

Wanna hear a secret?

Sure.

I have a plan to get Jerry back.

I'm sorry.

I don't know who Sandra's boyfriend.

Well, my boyfriend that she stole from me.

He's in a coma, but I'm going to sneak into his hospital room when she's not there.

I climb up on the bed, and oopsy!

I forgot my underwear.

Next thing you know, I'm pregnant with Jerry's baby.

[chuckles nervously]

Now, stay with me, because this is where it starts to get a little dark.

That's okay.

You don't want to hear the rest?

No, I'm cool.

Oh, uh, no, the tuna goes one aisle over.

It's, uh it's not a bean product.

It's a can.

Sure, yeah, yeah, it's a can, yeah, but, um, you know, we don't really organize things here by shape.

So it's not like the cans go over here and the boxes go over there.

Whatever.

N-no, not no.

No!

Not whatever, okay Missy, and you know what?

You got to put that phone away too.

You're not my boss.

Yeah, I'm Well, I'm the grown-up.

- Hey!

- You're not getting paid to gossip with your little girlfriends, okay?

So get back to work, or your ass is grass, and I'm I'm the lawn mower.

Jonah!

What what is wrong with you?

She's a child!

- Right, but she - You know, I am appalled!

- You stay away from her.

- Okay, okay, Glenn Oh, oh, oh, you can dish it out, - but you can't take it!

Huh?

Huh?

- You don't understand.

Well, I'm the one who's yelling now!

Okay?

How you like that, mister?

I don't I don't Not so hot, huh?

Huh?

[grunting]

Let me help you.

I can do it.

Come on, come on, hey, hey.

Don't be a hero.

Come on.

I got it.

I got it.

Can I ask you something?

You can't use my bathroom pass.

Bathroom pass?

Oh, is that not what you were gonna Go ahead.

What are you doing here?

You seem like you are way too pretty to be working here.

Come on.

[laughs]

Shut up.

No, I'm not.

You have a nice smile.

[laughs]

What?

What are you even saying?

You you have a nice smile.

Thanks.

Oh, sh my shirt is soaked.

O Kay, what?

Hey, man.

I got a new life You would hardly recognize me Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

It's kinda personal.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Okay, well, first of all, you need to calm down.

I'm calm.

Calm.

Just, you know, my roomie's coming to me for a little heart-to-heart.

It's, uh it's a good day.

It's a really it's a really good day.

Basically, Dina and I decided together to break up.

And now she's going around, she's telling everybody that she dumped me - Oh.

- Which is not true.

- Oh.

Okay.

- It was mutual.

Can you stop active listening?

Oh, yes, sorry, continue.

And I feel like I want to let everyone know, but Dina's in a rough place, and I don't want it to look like I'm kicking her when she's down.

Got it, okay, so unh.

Let's unpack this.

Uh, it sounds to me like you're looking for a way to let everybody know what happened with you and Dina without it reflecting poorly on you.

That's exactly what I just said.

Okay.

That's a toughie.

That is a tough, tough toughie.

Okay, this isn't gonna work.

Wait, no, no, no, no!

I can do better.

Let me Give me a do-over.

Come back.

I'll pretend like this didn't happen.

[sighs]

All right.

I, uh I messed up before.

I'm sorry.

I-I was listening, but I wasn't really hearing.

So here's what we're gonna do.

Tonight, gonna pop open a couple brewskis, we're gonna get ourselves a nice pie pizza pie, not pecan or whatever and we are gonna watch ourselves a little movie called "Bad Boys 2" and get you through this breakup thing roomie-style.

Hmm.

All right.

That's enough.

Attention, Cloud 9 employees!

I am fine.

Dina did not break up with me, and actually, if you want to get real about it, it was my idea.

I was trying to be a nice guy.

- [quietly]

If you could just - I got this.

So if you want to feel bad for somebody, feel bad for Dina, 'cause she's the one seeing the shrink.

Whoa.

That was something I shouldn't have said.

Sorry about that.

Please pretend you didn't hear that.

Have a good day.

[growls]

I'm gonna just put these back.

Oh, hey, is this where Justine fell?

Yeah.

I gotta write it up for her workman's comp claim.

She says the floor was slippery, but you know Justine.

Glug, glug, glug!

- Hey, Glenn.

- Mm-hmm?

Do you think Emma's doing okay?

Emma?

She's a delight.

Why?

I don't know.

I just Ever since the split with Adam, I just feel like everything I do is screwing her up, or maybe I've already screwed her up and it's too late, but she talks back to me, she sometimes wears a lot of eyeliner and I don't know what that means.

I just feel like I'm losing control.

Amy, can I ask you something but without you taking it the wrong way?

Sure.

Are you stupid?

- Um - She's a teenager.

Yeah, no, I know.

I know she's a teenager.

But it's just it's more than that.

She's secretive.

She's distant.

She doesn't listen to anything I say anymore Oh my, God, I am stupid.

She's a teenager.

[sighs]

Thank you.

Anytime.

I can go back to yelling at her.

Mm-hmm.

Fun.

When he smiles at you, it feels like the sun is coming up.

You know, I'm not even mad.

I got to flirt with a cute guy.

That's the first time that's happened since Jeff.

Well, Scott is way cuter than Jeff.

Bo's a troll!

I'm sorry.

[Weakly]

Love you.

- I don't want to force you.

- [laughs]

Oh.

- Just be careful.

- All right.

You wouldn't want it to get lost.

Oops.

Oh.

Why does he have to go to the bathroom so much?

I don't know.

[sighs]

Hey, uh, I'm sorry about the whole intercom thing.

I got carried away, and it wasn't cool.

It's okay.

Um maybe we both cared more about this thing between us than we wanted to admit.

It is possible, yeah.

And maybe what I actually need as I'm processing this tornado stuff is not to be alone but to have some support.

Are you saying you want to get back together?

I mean, is that crazy?

I don't think so.

Let's do it.

Okay.

Yeah, this isn't working out.

I'm dumping you.

- What?

- You're dumped.

Unambiguous.

Sir, did you just see that I dumped him?

Attention, Cloud 9 employees.

We have a nonverbal confirmation I dumped Garrett.

You're a monster.

Enjoy wine club.

[sighs]

Hey, Kelly!

I wanted to say good job today.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I felt a little lost.

I mean, I'm not even totally sure what go-backs are.

You did great.

Wow.

I'm I'm glad to hear that.

Yeah.

Just, tomorrow, try and remember to clock in, 'cause that way, you'll get paid.

But, you know, great dry run.

Oh, nobody told me I needed to clock in.

Good night!