[Dean Martin's "Memories Are Made of This" playing]
Remember, remember you will Take one fresh and tender kiss Remember you will Add one stolen night of bliss Remember you will One girl, one boy Hey, mister, you a pilot?
Not yet, but I'm getting there.
- Were you in Korea?
- I saw a little action.
Golly gee, you're a hero!
[chuckles]
I'm no hero.
But if it wasn't for me you'd be working in a rice paddy.
Gee, thanks, mister!
Oh, my girl's coming out.
Here's a dollar, kid.
- Treat your folks to dinner.
- Wow!
[Jim Reeves' "Memories Are Made of This" playing]
The memories you gave me Serve it generously with love The memories you gave me One man, one wife Oh, come on, ladies.
Buy something already.
Oh, Sue, why are you trying to sell containers to that fat tub of sh*t?
She's never had a leftover in her life.
[sighs]
[man]
That's the great Jim Reeves.
Hard to believe it's been ten years since we lost him in a horrific plane crash.
Lucky bastard.
- Hey, mister.
You a pervert?
- No!
Then why are you staring at ladies through that window like one?
- That's my wife in there.
- How come you're not at work?
How come you're not leaving me the f*ck alone?
I'm gonna tell my dad you swore at me.
He's a cop.
Then he can solve your m*rder, you nosey little sh*t!
Frank, no!
You've got to stop swearing at other people's children.
You're right.
Hey, go play with your father's g*n!
- Frank!
- I didn't swear.
[sighs]
Would you please go in and carry out the rest of the stuff I didn't sell?
There's a lot of it.
Okay, sure.
Be right back.
[sighs]
Why me?
Is everybody in your family a loser?
[chuckles]
- Get the f*ck out of here!
- Ow!
[Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [grunts]
Ah!
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [TV announcer]
And now back to Colt Luger Classics.
- Hey, Dad, Colt's back on!
- Hang on, hang on.
Oh, Christ, who keeps turning this up to 64?
- Dad, it's cold.
- Quit your bitching, Kevin.
Kids in Africa would k*ll to see their breath.
You sold a friend of mine some bad pixie dust, Tinker Bell, that made him think he could fly.
But gravity's an hombre that never loses.
So slap on a bra because you're about to have a bad trip to the San Cortez Regional Correctional Institute for broads!
See that, kids?
That's the kind of man you want to be: self-employed.
Don't ever go back to the department, Colt!
They'll use you up and hang you out to dry on Christmas!
You'll wind up sitting there with your freezing family waiting for the phone to ring!
Don't worry, Dad.
They'll call you.
That's right.
And it'll be Bob Pogo on his hands and knees begging you to come back.
There's no reason for us to be worried.
Everything's gonna be fine.
That airline cannot go on without you.
Now enjoy your show.
[shouts]
Psychedelic dandelion!
I've been dosed!
There's a lizard in my brain!
[screaming]
I'm Roger Dunbarton of Mohican Airways, and we are back!
Our labor troubles are over and we're better than ever.
I don't believe it.
[together]
Believe it!
The smoke signals never lie We are ready to fly Mohican Airways Your family in the sky Call today for a "reservation"!
[groans]
I'm going to bed.
It's only 7:30.
- It's midnight in my mind.
- Frank I liked him better when he yelled at us.
[music]
[sighs]
God.
Oh, God.
Why did he buy that damn TV?
No.
No!
Not again.
Get Go back!
Frank.
Frank.
Oh, my God, I just had the worst dream.
You were having another kid.
Maureen's the last one, right?
Tell me she's the last one!
She's the last one.
Oh, thank God.
It was horrible.
This baby had teeth!
What are you doing?
I'm trying to figure out which bill we can pay.
Well, we got about eight inches of free water falling right now.
So, heat it is.
Frank, we'll get through this.
We always do.
I'm here for you.
The kids love you.
Mohican will realize their mistake and take you back.
And if they don't, you'll get a better job somewhere else.
Yeah, sure.
I'm gonna go downstairs.
Oh, Sue, don't do that.
I haven't showered in days.
I meant the kitchen, Frank.
[groans]
Get some sleep.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Only if I get hit by a bus.
[laughter on TV]
Swami says the answer is: "Perpetuate.
" [man]
Perpetuate.
The question: "How do they charge you in a Vietnamese deli?" [laughter]
Per-pet-u-ate!
Yes, those people are dog eaters!
Bill.
What are you doing up at this hour?
I don't know, I'm just kind of worried.
Well, I'm worried about you not getting enough sleep.
Go to bed, honey.
Sweet dreams.
[both screaming]
Leave, leave, leave!
[Kevin]
I don't know what you think you saw!
Wasn't doing nothing!
Oh, Christ!
Guten Morgen, Frank!
I'm off to work!
All right, neighbor!
f*cking assh*le, rubbing his charmed life in my face.
The rogue elephant will be euthanized this Friday after the last show.
Speaking of youth, last night's snow storm has caused a rash of school closings - in the Quint City area.
- Here we go!
The following schools are closed: Abraham Lincoln Elementary, John F.
Kennedy High School, Robert F.
Kennedy High School, Martin Luther King Middle School, - Sharon Tate Elementary - Where's our school?
- Come on, come on!
- Anton Cermak Tech, Medgar Evers Center for Creative Non-v*olence, Archduke Franz Ferdinand School of Cosmetology, Huey Long High All right!
Alfred P.
Southwick Elementary - Score!
- Yes!
- What are you happy about?
- Snow day!
You're not going to school?
Aw, I was gonna drink and fall asleep in the bathtub.
- [phone rings]
- Oh!
Oh, that's the call!
It's Pogo!
Mohican needs me!
Hang on, it might be Bolo.
Our band's up for a gig.
Your band's sh*t, get out of the way!
Frank Murphy speaking.
Oh.
Hello.
Yeah, hang on.
Ha ha.
[grunts]
It's your mom's boss.
- Hi, Vivian.
- Morning, Sue.
How are things?
Well, it's tough.
Frank's depression is getting worse and Fantastic.
No deliveries for you today, thanks to the snow.
Some idiot crashed a school bus off the Ferndale bridge.
[gasps]
That's terrible.
I know, just imagine the traffic.
Hey, hey.
It's over.
I got mine.
Of course, tomorrow you'll have to make up the deliveries you missed today and do your regular route.
Oh.
Right, sure.
Well, either way, it'll be nice to have a day with the kids and Frank.
Well, that's a positive outlook.
Who's Frank?
- He's my - Don't care.
[line disconnects]
Do you have to f*cking chew so loud?
Excuse me for having a resonant skull.
Good news!
I don't have to work after all!
We've been handed a gift!
A snow day we can spend together as a family.
[groans]
Don't you "agh" me.
We are all gonna have fun together at the sled hill!
- Yeah!
- Sledding!
You guys have a good time.
I'm gonna curl up in an afghan and slowly cry myself into a nap.
No, no.
Uh-uh.
You are going to leave this house and enjoy the day with your family.
I can't.
Pogo might call.
Frank, I'm your biggest cheerleader, but it's been three weeks and Bob Pogo has not called yet.
- And I doubt he'll call today.
- Your cheerleading needs work, Sue.
And, if by some miracle he does call, we have an answering machine.
Come on, you've been a ghost around here since Christmas.
Now snap out of it and be a part of this family again.
[sighs]
- Okay, fine, I'll go sledding.
- Good.
Because your attitude is starting to affect the children.
Just look at Bill.
Come on, come on.
What's wrong with you?
Oh, it's beautiful.
Murphy family fun day starts now!
- Ah, Christ, Bill.
Maybe he won't notice.
- [Vic]
Hey, Frank!
Hey!
Looks like your boy dinged my dangler.
I thought that was my job.
[chuckles]
You sexy thing.
Excuse me.
Vic?
Sorry about your van.
I'll pay for the damages.
I can't take bread from my main man who lost his gig.
I remember once I was out of work for a whole winter.
Oh, wait, that was a vacation.
Hawaii.
Hey, Frank, you should go to Hawaii, man!
It'll do you wonders.
See a volcano, drink a volcano, be a volcano.
Have fun in Hawaii, Frank!
This isn't my snowmobile!
He's such a kind soul.
He's a drug addict, Sue.
This day sucks knob already.
I'll find a ride home.
No fair.
How come he can leave?
Nobody's leaving!
We just got here.
Our fun is only starting.
Let's hit that hill!
[both]
Yay!
Last one to the bottom is a rotten f*ck!
Ice-ball!
[laughs]
g*dd*mn it!
If you cross my path today, Murphy, I will scalp you, sh*t in the scalp, and slap it back on your head so everybody calls you "sh*t wig" and - Hey!
- Oh, man, don't hurt me!
Yeah!
You better run from me!
I'm afraid of your wife, you out-of-work pussyfart!
You see that, Sue?
Everybody knows.
I can't even intimidate children anymore.
Don't let him bother you, Frank.
He'll be in jail soon.
We can still have fun.
Smile a little!
I'm trying, but I'm sick of all these busybodies looking at me like I have a fatal disease.
"Oh, you poor man, how's the job hunt going?" "I don't know, lady, how's your saggy tits going?" It's all in your head.
People love you.
Come on, cheer up.
Look around you new fallen snow, you're with your family.
I just know this is going to be a great day.
Sue?
Sue Murphy?
Oh, f*ck me!
Hi, Ginny!
Oh, hi, Frank.
How's the job hunt going, you poor thing?
Any nibbles?
I should've d*ed in Korea.
Go play with Maureen, that's fun!
Sorry about Frank.
He hasn't been himself lately.
That's all right.
Failure can break down even the strongest man.
How are you?
Must have been a difficult Christmas after, you know, Greg abandoned you and the kids.
Oh, no, we're back together!
Greg took a Catholic cruise with Father Pat and came back a different man.
We're going at it like newlyweds!
[moaning]
Well, that's a dirty mouth.
Mister, I'm gonna shut you up.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, hi, stud!
Dear Lord, give me strength.
[exhales]
vag*na, vag*na, vag*na!
Hey, baby!
Looking attractive!
Christ, I hate it here.
Bunch of kids.
No chicks.
Yeah, like you'd know what to do with one, you virgin!
I know more than you!
Are you forgetting about that fox at the lake I boned all last summer?
How come we never met her?
I told you she d*ed of leukemia.
[scoffs]
Last time you said it was polio.
Polio is a gateway disease to leukemia, stupid.
Hey, look, Claire's here.
Oh, she's so fine.
Why don't you f*ck her, Kevin?
I blew my sh*t with her.
She was just about to touch it when my stupid brother boner-blocked me.
I'll never get laid.
Hey, you know, I heard about this loose girl that goes to Roberto Clemente High.
She asks you to come to her house for a free haircut.
And then she fucks you.
Well, that's something.
What's her name?
- I don't know.
Haircut Girl?
- That's no help!
Oh, f*ck it.
I'm gonna go talk to Claire.
- No, you're not.
- Oh, yeah?
Watch me.
I will not die a virgin.
Ow!
My d*ck!
g*dd*mn it, Maureen.
Don't sit like that.
It isn't ladylike.
I don't want to be ladylike.
Yes, you do.
That's why you're joining the Honeybee Scouts, so you can play with normal kids instead of those two animals.
I'm getting cleaned!
I don't want to be a Honeybee Scout.
I like rockets and computers.
So marry an astronaut.
But for now, go play with those girls down there doing girl stuff.
Dad!
- What're you guys doing?
- Waking up fish.
Cool!
I give up.
Christ, she's got bigger balls than Bill.
Fight for my pleasure!
[crying]
That jerk ruins everything fun.
We have to stand up to him this year.
I just curl into a ball and sing "Hot Cross Buns.
" No!
There's two of us and one of him.
If we both fought him at the same time, there's no way he Ow!
That one had a turd in it!
Oh, dear.
Hot cross buns Hot cross buns - Hey, Claire.
- Oh, hey.
Cut it out!
- Suckie, suckie, suckie.
Suck it.
- Cut it out!
- You're doing good.
- I know.
I've been on ice before.
I like your army jacket.
Is it from a real dead guy?
[laughs]
You're funny.
Hey, you want to come back to my house and watch TV or something?
- Really?
- My mom punched a cop so she's gone for a few days.
Uh Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
Thank you so much!
One a-penny Two a-penny Hot cross buns [screaming]
Leave us alone, Jimmy!
Oh, one lucky punch and you think you're tough now?
It wasn't lucky.
It's such a blessing to have a husband who's so happy.
He's always singing.
- He loves to color my hair and do my - Ginny, please stop.
I'm really glad you and Greg are happy, but we are not doing well, okay?
Frank's depressed right now.
Maybe he should take a Pray Away cruise.
We can barely afford to put gas in the car right now.
It's just, he's really down in the dumps.
- He's usually so full of life.
- Well, that's one way of putting it.
I just want my husband back.
[ice cracking]
Maureen!
Maureen!
Them fish look like mama after she takes her arm vitamins.
Maureen, get off the g*dd*mn ice!
You're gonna fall through!
You forgot your p*ssy!
[grunts]
[screams]
No!
Daddy, water!
Daddy, water!
It's okay, buddy, it's okay.
Only your butt got wet, what the f*ck is wrong with you?
He almost drowned as a baby, you heartless whore!
I did?
[sobs]
Daddy, Billy kicked me in the eye a little.
Jesus Christ!
[screams]
- Daddy, water!
Daddy, water!
- Frank?
Sue, start the car, we're going to the hospital!
[music]
You're grounded!
Out of my way!
My daughter's bleeding to death!
Wait for me, Mommy!
All right, my daughter needs a doctor right away!
Listen, take a seat, fill this out and we'll get to you as soon as we can.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no!
I don't fill things out.
You fill things out.
She needs a doctor.
Yeah, how about she waits like the rest of us?
How about I take the brake off that thing and send you right out into the snow?
My daughter needs a doctor right now!
Daddy, wa-wa.
Oh, for corn sakes.
That boy has hypothermia.
Yeah, he'll be fine.
Here's a blanket.
Ah!
My foot!
Relax, you f*cking Mary!
Get my daughter a doctor!
I will have you thrown out of here, mister, if you don't get your emotions under control.
My emotions?
You mean my love for my own child?
Let me tell you something "Beatrice.
" I don't know what country you're from, but I didn't die for five minutes on a Korean b*ttlefield to come home and be disrespected by a woman like you.
You think because I'm unemployed, you can just shove me and my family to the back of the line?
Well, not on my watch!
If you don't get her a doctor right now, before all these other low-life pieces of sh*t, then I will follow you to whatever home for dried-up old hags you live in, slap the cat food out of your mouth, grab you by your camel hump and put you through that f*cking wall!
Oh, boy.
[music]
- There's our hero.
- Wha - What happened?
- You passed out.
And then everybody in the waiting room started clapping.
Well, the main thing is you're all right and Maureen's gonna be fine.
Daddy, I'm a pirate!
Oh, for Christ sakes, Maureen, girls can't be pirates!
You're back!
Dad, it's so cool when you scream at other people.
My little girl's eye is more important than some crazy old man's foot.
- He's fine!
- He d*ed, Dad.
Well, he should have spoke up!
Squeaky wheel!
You're my squeaky wheel.
And you were magnificent.
Sometimes a man's got to do what a man does.
And a man feeds his family!
I'm taking you all to dinner!
- Yeah!
- All right!
Frank, a restaurant?
Isn't that a little extravagant right now?
Oh, we're fine, Sue.
This might be the adrenaline sh*t to the heart speaking, but I feel great again!
- Ooh, can we eat there?
- [Frank]
No, that's a titty bar now, Bill.
Your old man is gonna take you to the fanciest place in town.
And so, you know, I had nothing better to do, TV was on the fritz, so I figured, yeah, why not?
I might as well get married.
[all laugh]
It's funny when you pretend you hate each other.
Tell us the real story.
- It was such a lovely summer day - I'll take this whenever you're ready.
- Thank you.
- Your father looked so handsome.
Grampa Joe walked me down the aisle and I wore my mother's dress, little Cindy was the flower girl, Monsignor Kreger married us.
- Who?
- He's Father Pat's father.
Long story.
And of course I didn't know then that you three angels were coming.
But I looked at your father - and I'll never forget - Excuse me, miss?
Miss?
- Yes, sir?
- What's this?
Three Plantation Dogs, an Uncle Tom Turkey Platter, White Meat Supreme, Two Clucks Clams Okay, you charged us for eight drinks.
There's only five of us.
- Refills are free.
- Oh, yes, they used to be, but we changed our policy a few years back.
Well, I wasn't notified.
You should've put that in writing.
Oh, we did, sir.
It's on the wall, on the table, and from what I've been told, it's facing you when you use the urinal.
Well, I didn't come here to read, I came here to eat!
Now, take these off of my check, you bunch of chiselers!
Oh, oh, oh.
I understand.
If you're having a difficult time right now, we have an "indigent can.
" It's near the register.
- I'm no charity case.
- Oh, of course not, you're a human being.
But between you and me, we throw the extra food in the trash every night, so if you get here before midnight, you won't have to fight the other vagrants for it.
Daddy, do we have to eat garbage?
Nobody's eating garbage, princess!
Now, let me tell you something, lady How dare you insinuate my husband can't pay!
- Sue, butt out.
- He can pay for this!
- I can?
- Open your wallet.
You've got it.
Oh.
g*dd*mn right I have it!
Here!
We're leaving, and we will never drink your overpriced "Runaway Root Beers" again.
But here's a nice tip because you gave us very good service.
Where did that money come from?
- Just be glad I had it.
- Thank you.
It's okay.
We're a team.
What the hell are we gonna do?
I know one thing.
We're gonna put on a brave face.
It's best that the kids don't know how bad things are right now.
We are f*cked.
Ooh, it's colder in here than it is outside.
[clears throat]
Okay, Kevin, I'm coming in now!
[Kevin]
I'm not doing anything!
[beeps]
[robotic voice]
One new message.
Frank, it's Bob Pogo.
We used to work together at Mohican Airways.
It's an airline down at the airport.
Aw, sh*t, you know who I am!
Here's the thing - Is somebody there?
- Jesus, Dolores, hang up the extension!
[Dolores]
You don't have to bite my head off.
[Bob]
I'm sorry, dear.
Don't cry.
- So, Frank - [Dolores]
Apology accepted.
[Bob]
For God's sakes, you're the only woman for me, now hang up the f*cking phone!
Listen, your skills are missed around here, Frank.
I need you.
Oh, my God.
So, how about you come see me at the airport tomorrow?
It'll be great to have you back.
[squeals]
Yes!
Yes!
Oh, God, yes!
All right, Frank.
Mohican Airways Our flaming arrows are back With friendly cheerful service on the att*ck From Erie's glowing shores To the peaks of Syracuse We'll fly chiefs, braves, and squaws And the tiniest papoose The smoke signals never lie We are ready to fly Mohican Airways Your family in the sky