[Frank]
Come on, it's almost 7:00.
Hurry it up.
Let's go, chop-chop.
- [Frank]
Hey!
- Ah!
- Since when do you read?
- Since when do you care?
Since I'm your father and I'll put you through that f*cking wall!
- Move your ass!
You're gonna be late!
- [Maureen]
But Dad!
But nothing!
Oh, sorry, Princess.
I thought you were Bill.
What the hell is going on?
Well, the kids are gonna be late for school and apparently I'm the only one around here who cares.
- Frank, the kids are off today.
- I tried to tell you.
They're off?
Oh, man, I was actually gonna go for once.
Why the hell don't they have school?
The teachers are in Atlantic City learning the metric system.
Metric system?
We declare w*r on people who use the metric system.
What's next?
They're gonna make us use chopsticks to eat soup?
There's too much tension in this house!
If you don't like it, go back under it!
- Fine, I will!
- Then good!
- [door slams]
- [Kevin]
d*ck!
Frank!
You're scaring the dog.
[whines]
All these extra shifts you're working have made you even more agitated than usual.
- Honey, rest up today.
- I can't.
Smokey offered me half a morning shift and I took it.
I got to head in there now.
What?!
You promised you'd stay home with the kids.
They'll be fine.
Just lock them in, throw a can of tuna on the couch and see which one survives.
I got to go.
Be home by noon.
But, Dad, you said you'd take me to hockey tryouts at 10:30.
Ah, Jeez.
I can't.
Ride over there on your bike!
It'll toughen you up!
You have to take me to Honeybee Scouts at 1:30.
Christ, how many kids do we have?!
Back in the old days, the good Lord had the decency to take one or two out with polio, or get mauled by a bear, something to help out!
Jeez!
He'll be back to take you.
Frank, working all these extra shifts is k*lling you.
You're cranky, you're not sleeping.
Don't exaggerate!
I got a whole hour of sleep.
That's one more than I got my whole time fighting the Koreans.
Sneaky fucks.
I don't know.
This is not good.
You can't make big decisions like this without talking to me.
We're a team, Frank.
And I need you now more than ever, especially after I humiliated myself at work the other day.
You're the only person I can turn to and [snoring]
- Frank!
- [babbling]
Where are the others?
Fine!
Work yourself to death.
See if I care.
Jesus Christ, Sue, get off my ass!
What?
You want me to quit?
Let the family go hungry?
There's no cereal!
Fry a g*dd*mn egg!
There's no eggs either!
Then eat your shitty attitude!
- Dad!
- Bill!
- Frank!
- Sue!
- [imitating]
"Sue!" - Kevin!
- Mom!
- Kevin.
- [imitating]
"Kevin.
" - Frank!
Hey, guys!
Saying each other's names?
- [groans]
- [car starts]
Goomer.
[Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [grunts]
Ah!
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [boom]
Frank Murphy, saved my ass again.
Boy, you keep up like this, and you can get your own truck.
On the west side!
That's the white neighborhood.
Big Twinkies, tiny rubbers.
Thanks, Smokey.
You take Freddy's truck today.
She's got a couple of b*llet holes in her, boy got a d*ck in his mouth, but he got some nice titties, though.
Here's your route.
[Frank]
Ah, sh*t, the airport?
[Smokey]
Try not to let that bother you.
I felt the same way the first time I restocked the machines at the jail.
Hey, I didn't know you were a guard.
Frank Murphy, you are so f*cking white.
Hello, future me and rock historians.
Today, February 21, 1974, will be my last day as what we, in this time, call a virgin.
This is like Christmas Eve for my d*ck.
Haircut Girl, you will claim my squire-hood in six hours?!
Oh, sh*t!
Oh, man.
I can't wait that long.
[sighs]
I must use this time productively.
[rock music playing]
[panting]
sh*t!
Jacques.
Today, you and me are gonna make history.
Here I go.
Whoa.
Whoa.
No!
No!
No!
No!
God damn it!
[crying]
[grunting]
It's not fair!
I quit!
- Bill, are you all right?
- No!
I broke my stick because my f*cking dad can't take me to tryouts.
That must hurt.
Your dad's your hero.
The one who reads you Bible stories, tousles your hair and says, "Attaboy.
" My dad calls me a p*ssy and asked God to give one of us polio.
You know what?
f*ck it.
f*ck the whole thing.
Let's get something to eat.
My dad already made me "Wuv You Waffles," but I'm happy to keep you company.
[Pogo]
Jesus, Scoop!
"Finders keepers" doesn't apply to lost children!
[Scoop]
You're intimidated by my leadership skills.
I see everything!
[both grunt]
f*cking immigrants!
[man]
The nuns are gonna let us film in one of their classrooms, but I told them the movie's called "Duck School.
" Bring some ducks, just in case.
We can use them either way.
[sighs]
- [Pogo's stomach growls]
- Ah!
What the hell are you doing here?
Back off, Bob.
Just trying to do my job.
I don't want any trouble.
Well, you found trouble.
You've got a lot of nerve coming back here, you f*cking turncoat.
[bones cr*ck]
Why did you leave me, Frank?!
Why did you leave me?!
You fired me!
You could've just given her the g*dd*mn pen!
It was only a pen!
But you signed my death warrant with it!
[sobs]
Bob, Bob, get a grip.
It can't be that bad.
It's a living nightmare.
Look at that six-foot, two-inch toddler Dunbarton expects me to babysit!
He sorts luggage by race!
My blood pressure is spiking!
And thanks to this crash diet I'm on, I've passed enough kidney stones to fill the bottom of a fish t*nk.
[sobs]
Oh, God.
God, relax, Bob, relax.
Easy for you to say, you're out of here.
I'm stuck with that.
Go back to Africa!
He calls it "suitcase pasghetti!" [sobs]
God!
You have my sympathy, Bob.
Even you don't deserve this.
Thank you.
You're a good man.
We used to be friends, right?
Good friends.
Sure.
Look, I better get going.
I got a truck full of candy and cigarettes waiting on me.
Candy?
Cigarettes?
Waiting?
Hey, Sue, I was wondering if you could help me with a little problem.
- Sure, Dana, what is it?
- There's this airhead in the office who's been pitching really terrible ideas.
Oh, wait!
That was you.
[laughing]
Very funny.
Dana, don't talk to Sue like that.
You have to speak slower.
Sue, my office, please.
[laughing]
Don't worry, Vivian, I'll never pitch another stupid product again.
- Sue - I know I'm just a secretary.
- Sue - And I tossed my sketches in the trash!
Yes, and thank God I saw them in there when I was throwing out the birthday card my father sent me.
That Japanese bitch he married probably picked it out.
Wait.
You liked my idea?
I loved it.
Your Salad Tosser is a one-in-a-million product.
I haven't seen anything this great since those corn skewers shaped like corn.
- You think so?
- I want to go over Tracy's head and take your idea straight to Henrietta Van Horne.
Mrs.
Plast-A-Ware?
None other.
Are you with me?
Yes!
Definitely!
Great.
I'll make some calls.
Meet me in the ladies room in an hour.
In the meantime, we have to keep this a secret - and act like nothing has changed.
- Of course.
So, go back out there and pretend like you hate every living second you spend in this building.
[laughing]
I think I can do that.
[timer ticking]
- It's something you have in your house.
- Refrigerator.
Sofa.
TV.
You sleep with it.
- Husband.
- Major, no!
That's my Honeybee project.
Here, have some ice cream.
- Hot water bottle.
- You sleep with it!
I'm sorry.
The Buzzword was "shotgun.
" You just blew ten grand, you dizzy [horn honks]
broad.
Everything sucks today.
You want to finish my omelet?
No thanks.
Egg products give me the stinkies.
- Where's that waitress with our check?
- I don't know.
Perhaps she's marrying the ketchup bottles.
- Hey.
Let's go.
- Without paying?
- That's against the rules!
- Who are you, my dad?
Screw him and screw the rules.
I'm tired of being good.
Where's that ever gotten me?
At breakfast with a dear friend?
You can stick around if you want, but I'm leaving and I'm not paying.
I feel dirty!
Ah!
[Pogo]
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
[chewing]
Oh, this old chocolate bar tastes like sh*t, but it is so good!
Oh, man if they hadn't removed the nipple that grew inside my cheek, it'd be hard as a rock.
Bob, you can have the whole box of stales, but I got to finish my route.
- I promised Sue I'd be home by noon.
- Sure, sure.
Oh, God.
[Roger]
Bob Pogo!
Where are you, you incompetent water buffalo?
Aw, Christ.
It's Dunbarton.
Why in the f*ck did you tell my nephew to throw suitcases into a jet engine?
Frank, get me out of here until things calm down!
- What?
- I can't defend myself against that kind of crazy!
Please!
Drive!
- Bob, I - Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Okay!
Okay!
Hang onto something!
[Kevin]
Two and a half hours.
Almost enough time to calmly prepare for my life to change forever.
Just relax and meet your destiny.
Yes, but of course I have a condom.
Is this what you're looking for?
Latex, my dear?
You like that?
Am I doing it right?
Oh, yeah, baby.
That's right, we're doing this.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
That burns my d*ck.
[Kevin screams]
Pogo, if you hate working with Scoop so much, why don't you quit?
I can't.
My marriage wouldn't survive.
Dolores nursed me through five heart att*cks and three "tub stucks," but this one might break her.
- Get a job with another airline.
- Doing what?
My only skills are sitting behind a desk and pissing in a coffee can.
You're the one who knows how to run a baggage department.
What about Rosie?
Now's not the time for jokes, Frank.
I mean it, you could come back to Mohican today and not miss a Frank, I've got a proposition for you.
Help me get rid of Scoop and I'll make Dunbarton hire you back.
- Are you crazy?
- I'm desperate!
And Dunbarton is a businessman.
The airline is hemorrhaging money, thanks to Scoop, and he's too vain to admit he made a mistake.
But if you stepped in to run things the right way, even just for a day, instead of that idiot, he'd see the light and bring you back.
If it were humanly possible for me to get down on my knees, I would.
Please, help me and help yourself.
Bob, if you had asked me two weeks ago, I probably would have said yes.
But I got a job now where I'm appreciated.
And I'm not under the thumb of a miserable prick like Dunbarton who humiliated me in front of my family!
So, thanks for the offer, but my answer is no.
f*ck no.
[truck door opens]
Now, if you'll excuse me, this high school needs their cigarettes.
[inhales deeply]
[screams]
[Vivian]
Okay, no one can hear us in here.
I spoke to Nikos, my guy down at the plastic plant.
He's got four fingers and he still has his baby teeth, but he can assemble us a prototype on the sly.
[Sue]
But I already made a prototype.
[Vivian]
We need a real prototype, something made out of actual plastic.
We can't present the founder of Plast-a-Ware with a rusty washing machine.
- [Sue sighs]
Okay, I'm in.
- Great.
Now, we have to move fast.
Nikos can only do it tonight, and it's gonna cost us.
Three hundred bucks total.
You need to get me your half by the end of the day.
[Sue]
Today?
A hundred fifty?
I could have Frank bring what I've got saved up at home, but that's a whole lot of money.
[Vivian]
Either that or you give Nikos your dirty panties and a Polaroid of your cooter.
[Sue]
I'll get the money!
[camera flash]
- Now to pay for my transmission.
- [camera flash]
You shouldn't have done that.
You had the money.
And now I still have the money.
That felt so good!
I have a full belly and $11.
And Christ, I have to take a piss.
This is Jimmy's old fort!
You can't pee on it.
He'll haunt us.
He can't touch us.
I made him disappear.
Forever.
Come on, feel the freedom.
Okay, but don't look at me.
I have a bashful bladder.
Oh, this is exhilarating!
I tinkle on your fort, Jimmy!
[laughing]
Whose grave we desecrating?
My God, Bob, what are you doing?
I'm making my feelings go away!
That's not the stales, you maniac!
You're eating my inventory!
I have to pay Smokey for all those freshies!
Too bad, traitor!
You f*ck me, then I'm gonna f*ck you with my mouth!
You know what I mean!
Now I'm the one holding the key, Frank!
God damn it!
Open this door!
I got to get home to my daughter!
f*ck your daughter!
You know what I mean!
[phone rings]
Murphy residence.
This is Maureen.
- I'm nine.
- Put your father on the phone.
I'm sorry.
My father can't come to the phone right now.
He's in the shower.
Maureen, it's Mommy.
Where the hell is Daddy?!
He didn't come home by noon?
No!
I'm all alone here!
And he's supposed to take me to Honeybee Scouts and I called your office and a mean man named Gene answered and he said he'd like to talk to my mother.
What does that mean?
Honey, I'm sorry your dad's not there.
I'd like to know where he is right now too.
Can you take me to Honeybee Scouts?
No, sweetie, I can't.
Can you walk over?
I have a giant poster!
Honey, I'm so sorry.
Daddy and I will make it up to you.
Fine!
I hate this family!
Jesus, Frank.
Where are you?
[woman]
Excuse me, hon.
This gentleman would like to call his wife while I service him.
Stupid parents.
Hello, Maureen!
Are you being publicly shamed?
Every day of my life.
My dad said he'd take me to Honeybees, but he didn't show up.
Well, I can give you a ride to your youth meeting.
I'm not supposed to take rides from strangers.
I'm not a stranger.
I've known you since the day you were born.
I took your mother to the hospital.
So, my dad missed that too?
I'm always happy to help!
- [Holtenwasser]
Where are we going?
- [Maureen]
It's on Eisenhower Street.
[Holtenwasser]
Ah!
Eisenhower.
If I had a Jesus, it would be him.
God damn it, Pogo!
Open this door!
- Say you'll help me with Scoop!
- No!
Then f*ck you forever!
I'm taking you down with me!
I should've driven over you when I had the chance.
You un-loyal, ungrateful, f*cking miserable piece of Buddy!
[groans]
[breathing heavily]
Dolores?
A Puerto Rican kidnapped me and forced me to eat candy.
Yes, again.
And it's two o'clock.
Hi there, Mr.
Merlin's Monocle.
Right on time.
I like that.
[chuckles]
Ready for your haircut?
[giggling]
Yeah.
I've never seen anything so beautiful.
Please don't let me wake up.
Here we go.
Time for your haircut.
And then a little "trim.
" I get it.
You have beautiful hair.
Thank you.
I grew it myself.
Oh, you're all sweaty.
I like that.
- [blows]
- [shudders]
[in head]
It's happening.
It's really happening.
I am ready to enter your crystal cave of wonder!
Ravish me, oh, lord!
Pillage my insides!
Yes!
Yes!
I love you!
Oh, sh*t.
Oh, man!
- Are you okay?
- What?
Yeah, I didn't do anything!
It's all right.
This thing happens to lots of guys.
Maybe we'll just give it a minute or two, let you calm down.
- I love you!
- Ow!
Ah!
You chipped my tooth!
- What the f*ck is wrong with you?!
- Nothing!
My nose is bleeding!
- It's not that bad.
Let me get it.
- Agh!
Get out, you f*cking freak!
[Kevin]
Will you tell everybody we f*cked?
Oh, sh*t!
sh*t!
sh*t!
sh*t!
sh*t!
So stupid!
- You f*cking dildo!
- [Bolo]
Yo, Murph!
Aw, sh*t.
Hey, guys.
Oh, man, Haircut Girl f*cked the shirt off of you.
What did it feel like?
I mean, I've done it already, like, you know, a lot, but just tell me how it felt.
Uh, great.
Great.
Felt really good.
I got to go.
sh*t!
sh*t!
sh*t!
Yeah, he's got to go because after you do it, you get really cold.
How can one man eat a $160 worth of candy?
Thank God I stashed some beer money.
Oh, you f*cking motherless whore!
Oh, f*cking Kevin!
sh*t!
sh*t!
[grunts]
What the f*ck?
Jesus, Sue.
Just a quick loan, honey.
[Kevin]
sh*t!
sh*t!
sh*t!
sh*t!
sh*t!
Yeah, this is getting good.
Damn it!
God damn it!
Ow!
The computers of tomorrow will be capable of performing 10,000 computations in five minutes.
[yawns]
That's like fitting half a book in a box the size of this room!
Excuse me, Maureen.
This was supposed to be for the history badge.
All you're doing is talking about the future.
You're so weird!
Maureen is boring And we're all snoring!
[girls giggle]
[troop leader]
All right, girls.
That's enough.
Okay, you want to hear some real history?
Mr.
Holtenwasser can tell you a story.
I was wondering why he's here.
Mr.
Holtenwasser, tell them the story you told me in the car.
I'd be delighted.
[chuckles]
Ah, let me think, where to begin?
Where Ah, yes!
You girls like to play games.
How many of you have ever had to lie in a latrine, pretending to be dead?
God damn it!
You blew it!
We rehearsed!
- Dozens of times!
- What are you doing?
Ah!
Jesus, you scared me!
You're the one talking to your pants.
I'm locked out.
I think I lost my key when I threw it at a bird.
Agh.
Well, I guess I should help you not freeze.
Vic's got some Emu sweaters you can borrow.
Thanks.
Did you drop a glazed doughnut on your lap?
- And so in 1952, - [crying]
my wife and I moved to a little town called Liberty Mississippi.
We left because our front yard kept catching fire.
[crying]
Thanks.
Pretty great you get to hang out at Vic's house all day.
Yeah.
All by myself with nothing to do.
Sounds so cool.
Ooh.
It's freezing out.
Yeah.
It's cold and hard.
There it is again.
Stupid thing won't go away.
Hello?
Maureen?
Frank?
Anybody?
What happened here?
What the hell?
What the hell?
Frank f*cking Murphy!
[imitating]
"I'll be home by noon!
I'll be home by noon!" Where the f*ck are you now?!
[phone rings]
What?!
What's the holdup, Sue?
I got to get that money to Nikos tonight.
Vivian, listen.
The thing is Will you get me the 150 or not?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll have it.
It's a really gorgeous piece.
One of a kind.
- You sure you want to sell it?
- No.
But I have to.
I need this money badly.
I might regret it later, but right now it's the only thing that can make this shitty day feel even remotely bearable.
[man]
I understand.
Enjoy your heroin.
[soft music playing]