05x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

[hammering, humming]

[hammering, humming]

Oi, did you speak to Decoy about that thing?

- Yeah, he said he's not up for it.

- What?

His loss.

- You did tell him we'd pay, didn't ya?

- Yeah, he actually blocked me.

Useless.

You coming up, then?

- Yeah, I'll be up in a minute, babe.

- Alright.

- You hurry up.

- Yeah.

Oh, and, er, bring your pizza delivery helmet, yeah?

[chuckles]

It's just a little game we play.

[producer]

Are you two in love with each other?

Yeah.

I mean, look at us, can you not feel it coming between us?

It's like sexual energy, chemistry, oomph, d'you know what I mean?

- It's love, babe, innit?

Innit?

- Yeah.

Yeah!

I mean, Carol always says "pain is love", so if that's what you mean by love, - then, yeah, we're totally in love.

- What else do I say about pain?

That's it good for me.

Pizza man.

[Carol]

I said, come on!

- Coming.

- [Carol]

Come on, I need a delivery.

- [Carol]

It's f*cking cold!

- Sorry, madam.

- Who's been a bad delivery boy?

- Me.

- [Steves]

Bit sick, innit?

- [Grindah]

Yeah, proper.

[Steves]

Ahh, fire.

Ahh.

D'you know what I mean?

No fire.

Look at that.

Proper heavy tings, like.

[Steves]

Professional.

People should be f*cking loving this.

How many views we got on the video?

- Not even 100 so far.

Don't - 17.

How much did that Stormzy breh get, anyway?

- Like, 70 million, I think.

- 70 million?

- He's not even as good as me.

- Yeah, I know.

[sighs]

f*ck's sake.

Take this.

Sick.

I think my asthma's kicking in again.

What, you got asthma?

It's probably from the shitloads of skunk I blaze.

- Can you get some skunk?

- Yeah.

f*ck, I don't like feeling like this.

[Miche]

Yeah, Grindah's taken the Essex news pretty well, yeah.

Apart from the asthma att*ck and the fact he's not really speaking to me or Angel, is he?

No, he's stopped sleeping and eating but at least he knows we're moving.

Yeah, he's taken it better than I thought he would.

[manager]

Hi, if you need any help, just let one of my colleges know.

- Charlie, I'm just gonna have my lunch.

- No problem.

Enjoy.

Hello.

Charlie, sales team.

- These headphones, interested?

- Yes, I am, actually.

Really good headphones, actually.

Very, very durable.

- Pretty much unbreakable.

- Really?

They don't look it.

- Go on, try.

Try and break them.

- Really?

Literally, try and break them.

Go on, put all your force into it.

Go on, bend it.

Really go for it.

Come on.

Yeah, that's it.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

[Chabuddy]

Yeah, I've actually got a new side business going at the moment.

Where I take faulty or damaged goods from Sonoda, fix them, then sell them on.

I'll take care of it.

You get out, go on.

You know what I mean?

At the end of the day, if they're broken, they're broken.

What use is it selling someone something broken?

Ahh!

Clumsy, girl.

It's smashed, isn't it?

It's smashed.

- No, it seems to be fine.

- Really?

[Chabuddy]

That's what I'm doing.

I'm not stealing it and it's broken, anyway, so what's the harm?

Smashed now, isn't it?

[Chabuddy]

You know, "Want want, not not" "Want want" "Want not, want want.

" What's the saying?

"Waste not, want what?" As they say.

[Grindah MC-ing]

Wow, incredible sounds of the MC Grindah, right now.

Make sure you check our new video out for the next one, it's a classic, yeah.

YouTube forward slash [reads out an entire YouTube link]

Question mark, V=J, capital H, VW, B, 9, 8, G, 6 ,F, G.

Yeah, that's YouTube forward slash, watch, question mark, V=J, capital H, small V, big W, small B, 9, 8, small G, 6, small F, small G.

OK, make sure you check for that, yeah?

Click on YouTube, all that stuff.

Please make sure you watch it.

I'm begging you.

Don't beg, don't What you doing, for f*ck's sake?

If they don't watch it, you're f*cked.

Why'd you f*cking say sh*t like that?

Remind me again.

- For f*ck's sake.

- Sorry, man.

[producer]

Are you ready for the move to Essex?

[Grindah]

I don't even wanna to be hearing that sh*t.

I don't wanna be hearing, I'm getting taken away from all my mates.

I don't wanna be hearing, I'm getting taken away from radio.

- Do you want the Heimlich manoeuvre?

- That's for heart att*cks, you idiot.

Who knows if they've even got bud up there.

What, then I'm not inspired and I can't write lyrics?

And then, what?

I'm a shell of a man?

So you need to go to recovery position.

Why you talking like that, Steves?

You're f*cking freaking me out.

Talk normally!

- I do recovery position every night.

- What's that for?

My chest is f*cking tight, man.

I'm freaking out.

Let your knees buckle down, that's it.

- Grindah, Grindah, can I do my set now?

- What?

Do whatever you want, you selfish prick.

I'm having an asthma att*ck.

- [Steves]

Listen to my voice.

- Stop f*cking talking in my ear, bruv.

- Carry me to the sofa.

- Carry you, yeah?

- On three, yeah?

One, two, three.

- Gimme your legs.

That's it.

That's it.

[Grindah groans]

That's disgusting!

Chuck him down, Steve.

Chuck him down.

[Grindah groans]

Shh, shh, shh.

[whispering]

[nervous laugh]

My little sugar tits getting ready for bed.

She's normally conked out at this time.

[producer]

Are you quite experimental, then?

[Carol]

If it's out there, I'll give it a go.

What you got to lose?

I'm at a stage in life, I ain't frightened of nothing.

Am I?

- God, God, no.

- Not at all.

So, yeah, come on, let's try it.

And if he screams a little bit, I say, "Come on, just trust me.

" [sighs]

Just wait a little bit longer, make sure she's definitely asleep.

- [Carol]

You like that, don't you?

- [Chabuddy]

Yeah.

Yes, ma'am.

- [producer]

Ma'am?

- Sometimes, she makes me call her ma'am.

- He loves it.

- The Queen.

Sometimes we do role play, where she's Diana and I'm Dodi.

We re-enact the whole car crash thing.

It's really dark and very confusing.

- But fun?

- I like the royal family, though.

One more.

You done with that, yeah?

Why you cleaning while I'm in the middle of a mix?

Got my probation officer coming tomorrow so I need to get rid of everything.

Oh, sh*t.

You gonna put all the equipment in your nan's room?

Yeah, yeah, everything's going in there apart from the tables What you lot talking about?

Steves got his probation officer coming tomorrow.

Well, make sure you clean all this sh*t up.

They see we've been running radio again, then we're f*cked.

Yeah, I was just saying about the tables Sort it out.

I might try and do a little dining table set up with You know what you need, Steve.

Fruit bowl.

Pretty pointless but it's what people do, innit?

Yeah, looks good.

[producer]

Are you nervous about the probation officer coming?

Yeah, I'm a bit nervous, like.

I've basically got all the equipment Erm, I'm going to be putting into my nan's room.

Gonna have a little dining table set up, so it looks like a normal flat, basically.

[producer]

What about the weed plants?

Probably just cover it up or something.

- Nice one, Steves.

- Take your records with you.

Cos that's incriminating as well.

Safe, Steves, let me know how it goes.

[sighs]

It's gonna be a bit of long night, to be honest.

[Miche]

How's my brave little soldier feeling?

Beats messaged me, he said he's worried about you.

At least someone cares about my feelings.

- You gonna tell me what's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong.

And if it was, I wouldn't hold it back and not tell you for ages.

He said you had a panic att*ck?

I didn't have a panic att*ck.

It's asthma.

It just kicked in quite late for me.

- Maybe you need to go doctors, then?

- Maybe I will.

- Do you want me to go with you?

- No, I don't want you to go with me.

Beats can take me.

This sofa stinks.

[Steves]

That's a good shout.

D'you reckon that's Is the salt weird?

I could only find the salt.

No pepper.

Let's see it without.

And with.

Yeah, looks good with that.

Looks like you actually - Eating or whatever?

- Yeah.

Yeah, actually, let's just Yeah, that's good, I'm happy with that.

Right.

Gonna use your toilet, quick time, alright?

Yeah, man.

I'll just Couple of finishing touches.

I feel like the best case scenario is that I get the tag taken off completely.

Worst case scenario, probably go prison, I guess.

Actually, worst case scenario, I guess, is being att*cked with a sharpened toothbrush and then r*ped in the showers or whatever, innit?

That sort of sh*t.

But hopefully it won't come to that.

[knocking at the door]

f*ck.

[whispers]

Beats, she's here, bruv.

We're not supposed to have anyone here.

- What shall I do?

- I dunno, just stay in there.

[whispered]

Steve, act normal, just get rid of her as quick as you can.

Yeah, alright.

f*ck.

- Hello!

- Hiya, Steve.

I wasn't sure this was the right door cos there's no number.

Oh, isn't there?

Somebody's stolen it, then.

That's God, look what they've done.

- Alright if I come in?

- Yeah, yeah, sorry.

Beats.

[sighs]

Beats ain't answering.

[sighing]

Still not answering his phone.

You need to go doctors, buba.

You're gonna miss your appointment.

Yeah, Beats ain't answering his phone, so D'you want me to come with you?

- Yeah?

- Alright.

OK.

Shall I get my stuff, then?

OK, do you want a snack or anything, bubby?

I know you get hungry.

- [Grindah grunts]

- OK, I'll get a few things.

What do you fancy?

[sighs]

Whatever, just - Yeah.

OK.

- Custard creams.

[manager]

Charlie?

[gentle snoring]

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, just having little lie down.

- How long you been here?

- Just ten minutes.

Ten minutes, sorry.

Tell me what happened here?

What's happened to your leg?

Ahh, funny story, actually, I got hit by a car going the shop and back before my curfew, yeah.

- Really?

- Misjudged it completely.

The boys play this funny game where they send me to the shop and I've got like ten minutes to go until my curfew and I've got to go there and get back in time.

The boys?

Which boys, the boys you used to do the radio station with?

No, not them Just other ones that are I don't even really know them.

They're just random boys.

Random boys, you don't know, that you go to the shop for?

Yeah, I do know them but they're just They're just nothing to do with radio.

[door shuts]

- Is there someone else here?

- No.

Nah, that's not, no.

What were you hearing?

No, that's It could be the poltergeist.

We have had poltergeist activity here before.

Or it could just be your neighbours?

It could be the neighbours.

Even better idea.

You feeling light-headed?

It's hot, isn't it?

Aww.

Aww, bubby.

I don't like it when you feel poorly.

I'll get you something.

Do you need a snack?

Are you feeling faint?

Don't want you fainting again.

- Carrot stick?

- [Grindah sighs]

Bicky?

Yeah, bit of sugar, that's good.

[Chabuddy chanting]

- Charlie, can I just grab you for a sec?

- Yeah, alright.

Wasps k*lling our sales, isn't it, recently?

- Can you sit down, please.

- What's going on?

Would you mind explaining this?

CCTV.

- Yeah.

- I didn't know you checked that.

- Just there.

You see.

- Oh, God, yeah.

She was a clumsy, clumsy clutch, that one.

I think she's a local crackhead or something.

She was mental that one.

That's Mrs Price.

Why are you making her pour water on a laptop?

Oh, you know what it is?

I was, actually, trying to stop her.

Cos she was trying to do it and I was like, "No, don't do it.

" No, you gave her the water and pretty much forced her to pour it.

Have you lost your mind?

Can we just check if that was me?

He looks a little He hasn't got the kind of girth.

He hasn't got the child-bearing hips that I've got.

Course it's you.

It's, literally, me and you have a conversation.

Are you sure that's even you?

Cos you look a bit - Course that's me.

- You look shorter in that one.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the premises.

I've never seen anything like this.

Well, what if you didn't see anything?

- Take it.

Take it, please.

- No.

What you doing?

No!

- I won't do it again.

Take it, done.

Done.

- You won't do it again cos you're fired.

Get your stuff.

- Oh, that's just some of my stuff.

- Get out.

- It's a pleasure doing business with you.

- OK.

Thank you.

- [whispered]

Just give me one more chance.

- Let go of my hand.

I'm in a really weird relationship.

She does things to me, unspeakable things.

Biblical things.

You've got a discount code as well, that's great.

OK, I'll just have that.

I'm really sorry about that.

This is great.

I feel very positive about this.

Good, cos I can't read your handwriting at all.

Right, we're gonna rap up quite soon but do you mind if I use your toilet?

Oh, no, there's the toilets out of bounds at the moment.

- Out of bounds?

- Yeah, it's got a Flooding in there.

- Is it completely out of use?

- Yeah, out of bounds, out of use.

So, where do you go if you need the toilet?

Me?

Just in the sink.

What, the sink in the kitchen?

Yeah.

Just aim at the plughole.

- Get rid of it.

- What about number twos?

- Yeah - Where are you doing those?

I suppose in the sink as well, yeah.

Cos you can just run the tap and break it up.

Do you want a piece of fruit?

I'm alright.

Can you hold it or are you too shaky?

Gotta have it cos I put the straw in, yeah?

Well done.

Have these in a bit.

Yeah, is that making you feel better?

- [whispered]

Little bit.

- Yeah, good.

[Grindah]

Real men keep sh*t in.

You know what I'm saying?

Don't let it out.

Obviously, when you're in a fed station "No comment.

" Like, when you're at If someone asks you how you're feeling you just go, "Yeah, alright.

" Obviously, don't tell them how you're feeling cos that would just be weird.

[producer]

Why?

[Grindah]

What, if someone goes, "How are you?" You're like, "To be honest, mate, I've been going through things can we have a 'chat'".

No, thanks.

[doctor]

Tony Zagrafos?

- Tony Zagrafos?

- Yes, he's just shouted my name.

Literally, didn't give me a chance.

Doctor Pinkley.

Come through.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Shall I come too, bubby?

Yes.

Aww, you need me to come with you.

- It's alright.

- I don't need you to come with me.

Hello, I'm Miche.

I'm his wife.

He's my husband.

Well, I guess, being fired gives me more time to work on my business now.

Carol's gonna go absolutely mental, mate.

[sighs]

Carol?

[Carol moaning, bed squeaking]

Bang it in!

Bang it in!

Oh, right, erm I'll tell you what, let me, let me show you my workshop in my van.

- [producer]

What just happened?

- Carol's probably just got a mate over.

He took his shoes off, which is nice, which is good of him.

And his jacket and his trousers.

It's quite hot today, so Let's just give it 20 minutes, yeah, lads.

Just recently I've started feeling, like, get really dizzy and my breathing goes tight and my hearts starts pounding.

And, yeah all signs are pointing to asthma.

Do you feel nauseous at all?

Not really like He said he felt sick earlier when I went to kiss him.

Yeah, that's other stuff, but, yeah.

- Yeah, dizziness, definitely.

- Right.

It's just really short bursts of asthma.

Why don't you pop yourself on the bed for me, please?

- Take your jacket and your jumper off.

- Yeah, take my jacket off.

- Want me to come over with you?

- No, it's cool.

- [Grindah sighs]

- Well done.

Just take your jumper off for me, please.

That's enough, like that.

- I need to check your chest area.

- All you need to go is down and up.

Go on.

[deep breathing]

[Grindah]

Nah, I'm not really a fan of doctors, like.

Cos you never know when you're gonna get one of those weird ones that's obsessed with making you take your clothes off.

Deep breath.

And when you do they're like, "Cough so I can feel your balls.

" And they leave their hand there for ages.

And then when you ask your mates, they say it weren't like that when they went.

For example or whatever.

Deep breath.

[breathing deeply]

- How am I?

- Sounds alright.

Are you under any particular stress at the moment?

Nah, pretty sure it's from smoking bare skunk and that.

If you want to just give me one of those inhaler things.

I don't think what you've described are asthma att*cks.

Looks like someone skipped asthma class at doctors' school.

We're moving house.

We've been under a lot of stress with that.

No, I don't get stressed.

Nothing to do with that.

Then, there's all the music video stuff.

Grindah and his little friends have been making a music video but it's not got that many views and he's sad about it.

That's because the internet's having technical difficulties at the moment.

Can you just wait outside and let him do his job?

OK, I'll just be there so if you want your snacks, let me know.

- Don't want my snacks.

- OK, call me if you need me.

I don't need anything.

[Carol laughing]

[Carol kissing]

- I'll see you later, then?

- f*cking behave yourself, you little salt.

- Mwah!

- See you later, darlin'.

- See you later.

- Nice arse.

Ta-ta!

- Alright, mate.

- Oh!

Alright.

Do you have the dates for your Yeah, yeah, I dunno why I'm looking at my watch.

Still getting used to it.

Yeah, I've got them somewhere.

[DJ Fantasy]

Easy.

- He's just my mate who's - It's alright, we're finished.

Fantasy, this is Sue, my probation officer.

So - Hello, nice to meet you.

- Very nice to meet you.

I've, er, I've come round to hang out, actually.

Yeah, just normal, two mates hanging out.

- How you been anyway, man?

- Yeah, good, man.

Want a piece of fruit?

- Yes, please.

- Look at that.

Gone with an orange today.

- Good choice.

Alright.

- Thank you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

Listen, Steven, you take care.

- Hope you get that plumber.

- No, I'll definitely get that unblocked.

- Yes, please.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Take care, bye.

- See ya later.

- Bruv!

That was sick acting.

- I didn't even want an orange.

He didn't even want the orange!

Oh, my God.

You're a f*cking sick actor, bruv.

- That is mad.

- Jesus Christianity.

Were you in there the whole time?

Yeah, I've been in there for two hours, bruv.

Had anxiety sh*t.

- Do you want a bit of that?

- Yeah, gonna need all of that.

- I thought I was going jail at one point.

- Really?

Fantasy comes in, he's got a record bag on.

I've gone, "Do you want a piece of fruit?" He's gone, "Yeah, I'll have an orange.

" [clicks]

Like that.

Quick thinking.

- Did you?

- Yeah, I took one.

Maddest thing I've ever seen.

And next thing she's none the wiser.

She's thinking, "Oh, these lot " Wait, I'm just, sorry.

She's thinking he's gonna sit down and have an orange.

- She doesn't think he's coming round to - But you had an orange?

Yeah, it looked like I was about to peel it.

- He's gone like that.

- Nah, just rubbing it.

He's got a record bag on, he's blinded her with a f*cking orange.

She didn't even see the record bag.

- Did you actually eat it as well?

- Nah, nah, we waited.

- He would have done if she'd stayed.

- Exactly.

- That's sick.

- Insane, innit?

Wish I thought like that.

- ["Heart Monitor Riddim" plays]

- Bang!

Lyrical blow to the jaw - Can I Can I - No, no, no, the best bits coming up.

We're just like doctors, we're dressed like your lot.

- What d'you think about the lyrics?

- Sorry.

Kicking man like Van Damme.

Do you remember Van Damme?

And then we do a fight scene as well.

- That's me banging Beats out.

- It's very interesting.

- It's very creative.

- Yeah, people love it.

Hang on a sec.

Just stop that for a sec.

Can I suggest something?

Leave that alone for a sec.

Do you wanna take a seat, please?

I get your vibe.

- It's good though, innit?

- It's very interesting.

It's very interesting, exactly.

And no one appreciates it.

- Yeah.

- Apart from him.

Can I suggest that you've got a lot on your plate between moving and your music career.

- I think it could be psychosomatic.

- No way.

I'm not a psycho.

That's nothing I'm into.

People often find that it helps to talk about things.

- Talk, really?

- You might even find that your breathing difficulties became less regular.

What?

Rah, is that how asthma works?

[Beats]

So, what?

You took the orange?

Is that right?

- He's come in.

- Yeah.

- She's going, "Ahh, who's this geezer?" - Yeah.

I've gone, "Do you want an orange?" He's gone, "Yeah.

" Next thing, he's sitting on the coach like it's nothing having a f*cking orange.

- But you didn't have the orange?

- No, no.

Because afterwards he said didn't even want it!

- He was just playing along.

- I could have taken a banana if I wanted.

That's jokes, man.

Do you even like oranges?

- Nah, not really.

- Nah, they're butters, innit?

- No one likes f*cking fruit.

- Only Tropicana.

- Yeah, yeah.

That's it, man.

Smooth.

- No bits.

D'you reckon we should keep the table cloth on, it looks quite nice, innit?

Nah, chuck it.

Get rid of all that sh*t, Steves.

Yes, Grindah.

It's Steves.

Just phoning cos Fantasy - we just had this thing with the probation officer.

She's leaving, Fantasy's come in, right, and she's gone, "Oh, who's this?" I'm like, "It's my mate, Fantasy.

" And then I've gone, "Do you want a piece of fruit?" And he's gone, "Yeah, I'll have an orange.

" Anyway, yeah, call me back.

It was jokes.

- What'd he say?

- It's his answer phone.

- Ahh, sick.

He's gonna love that.

- Just left a little message.

Dunno if I really explained it that well.

[Grindah exhaling]

- What's happened, you OK?

- Shh, listen.

Erm, right.

I know this had been a lot for you, yeah.

But at the same time, like, this has been a lot for me as well, like.

And at the same time, I'm just annoyed that you didn't tell me about the flat, so it's just I just got Kurupt FM back up and running again, yeah.

It's an important time cos of the music video and that, yeah.

It just feels like everything I've worked for either ain't working or it's just, d'you know what I mean, been taking away from me.

So, that's it.

- What did he say?

- Don't say anything.

I just let everything off my chest, alright?

[sighs with relief]

Right.

I'm going radio, see you back at the flat later.

Love you and never lie to me again, right?

[Grindah]

The way I see it, yeah, sometimes in life you've just got to let things out, tell people how you feel.

Cos there's one thing I've learnt is that holding things back and bottling it all down just leads to one thing and that's asthma.

I don't wish that on anyone.

Here, chuck this in if you're doing a load, love.

Careful, it's wet.

[Chabuddy]

You know, even if Carol is cheating on me, I'm used to it women treating me like sh*t.

It's one of my kinks.

Aldona used to cheat on me all the time and she was the love of my life.

- Did he put the helmet on?

- Hmm?

Nothing.

Think about who's really winning, yeah?

I'm staying at Carol's rent free.

And now the sex demands will be less.

And being a cuckold is small price to pay for that.

[garage music plays]

[Grindah MC-ing]

And remember, yeah, make sure you check out the new video.

Click YouTube.

com, forward slash, watch, question mark, V=J, H, V, double-W, B, 9, 8, G6, FG.

- Was gonna say, how was the doctors?

- Yeah, it was alright, actually.

Turned out just to be a little 24-hour asthma bug.

- Asthma bug?

- Yes, Decoy.

Mr "I'm an asthma expert".

Is that alright with you?

Yeah.