Clerks 2 (2006)
(quiet, noble melody playing)
(music fades)
(car approaching)
(keys jingling)
(flames crackling)
(flames crackling)
Yeah, I got a fire at the Quick Stop.
Yeah.
(steam hissing)
(hissing and crackling)
(debris rattling)
(bell dings)
t*rrorists?
I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?
sh*t!
Now where am I gonna bring chicks to f*ck when my mom's home?
(Talking Heads' "Nothing But Flowers" intro playing)
(horn honks)
♪♪ Here we stand ♪♪ Like an Adam and an Eve ♪♪ Waterfalls ♪♪ The Garden of Eden ♪♪ Two fools in love ♪♪ So beautiful...
♪♪ So, ready for your big last day?
I am.
When do you and your old lady head down to Florida?
Tomorrow morning.
Car's all packed up.
You gonna do anything crazy before you leave New Jersey forever?
How long have you known me?
If I were you, I'd spray-paint "eat p*ssy" across the side of the building in huge letters.
Why?
Let 'em know you were there, man.
I'd rather let them know I'm not an assh*le.
Too late for that.
I'm really gonna miss you, man.
♪♪ Hey ♪♪ Once there were parking lots ♪♪ Now it's a peaceful oasis ♪♪ You've got it, you've got it ♪♪ This was a Pizza Hut ♪♪ Now it's all covered with daisies ♪♪ You've got it, you've got it ♪♪ I miss the h*nky-tonks, Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens ♪♪ You've got it, you've got it ♪♪ And as things fell apart ♪♪ Nobody paid much attention ♪♪ You've got it, you've got it ♪♪ Years ago ♪♪ I was an angry young man...
♪♪ I can't believe they haven't done anything with it yet.
The Lord did something with it.
He smited that hellhole.
Listen to you.
Do you mean to tell me you don't miss that place at all?
(scoffs): God, no.
Do you?
Of course not.
♪♪ I wish I had a lawnmower ♪♪ You've got it, you've got it ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪ I dream of cherry pies ♪♪ Candy bars and chocolate chip cookies ♪♪ You've got it, you've got it ♪♪ Don't leave me stranded here ♪♪ I can't get used to this lifestyle.
♪♪ (heavy metal music playing)
(whistles)
♪♪ Grandma, what was it like ♪♪ To be on that holiday site?
♪♪ Get the f*ck out of here!
♪♪ Grandma said, "Do come in, my little friend." ♪♪ You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and sh*t.
Like, maybe be an animal doctor.
Why not me?
I like seals and sh*t.
Or maybe an astronaut.
Yeah.
Like, be the first m*therf*cker to see a new galaxy or find a new alien life-form... and f*ck it.
And people'd be like, "There he goes.
Homeboy f*cked a Martian once." Holy sh*t.
Our first customer since our triumphant return.
Act cool.
Hold on.
Yeah, you guys holdin'?
sh*t, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.
What?
How about a nickel bag, man?
(sing-songy): Oh, 15 bucks, little man.
Put that sh*t in my hand.
♪♪ Nong, nong, nagga- nagga-nong-nong.
♪♪ He likes to sing.
So, uh, I haven't seen you guys in a while, man.
Where you been all this time?
Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car, we're cruising down to the Boardwalk... f*cking Middletown cop pulls us over for Suspicion of Mischief.
What the f*ck does that mean?
We were driving around with a deployed airbag.
The cops pull us over.
They find two pounds of Jamaican lambswool.
Prosecutor wants to put us away for a dime, but the judge gives us rehab instead.
sh*t, rehab?
Yup-yup.
How long were you in?
JAY: Six months, sir.
We got six months and two days on the wagon as a good friend of Bill W.'s.
Check it out.
Just got it two days ago, before we got out.
Yeah, but if you're holding all the time, aren't you gonna be tempted to get high?
Oh, not with the power of Christ on my side, sir.
Is that a f*ckin' Bible?
Hey, hey, the Holy f*ckin' Bible, son!
What the f*ck kind of songbird Jesus-freak dealer did you bring me to?
(laughs): I like them, man.
They're funny.
They're f*ckin' stupid.
You should read your Bible, sirs.
You'll find all types of weird sh*t in there.
Like, did you know Jesus was a Jew?
Yeah.
(chuckles)
I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins, and we're almost out of hash browns.
Hold on.
Now, Randal!
(chuckling)
What are you writing over there, anyway, your memoirs?
I'm battling this jackass on his blog's message board.
About what?
On how he's got too much free time and no life.
So does the guy who's flaming him on his Web site.
I can't help it.
The guy pisses me off.
It's this f*ck in a wheelchair that's always preying on everyone's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again and how walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs.
That diatribe, as you call it, sounds like some poor crippled guy pouring out his heart and feelings.
Oh, f*ck him, man.
Trying to guilt me into walking around more because he's all gimped out?
What kind of mind-f*ck is that sh*t?
So I've been getting into it with him, throwing it back in his stupid crippy-boy face about how I love to just sit around and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk.
The guy's in a wheelchair.
Yeah.
That's why I called him crippy-boy.
Have a good one.
You f*ckin' freak.
(door buzzer moos)
I'm not even gonna point out the irony here.
What's the matter with you?
What'd I do now?
There's a crippled guy who found a way to reach out to a world he feels isolated from, and you somehow found a way to take issue with him.
Sure, take his side.
Have you become so embittered that you now feel the need to att*ck the handicapped?
What handicap?
The guy's just in a wheelchair.
It's not like he's Anne Frank or something.
Anne Frank?
Yeah, Anne Frank, the chick that was all...
(moaning)
...till the miracle worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.
(snickers): You're talking about Helen Keller.
No, I'm not.
I'm talking about Anne Frank.
She was deaf, dumb and blind.
No, she wasn't.
Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.
Are you sure?
Yup.
Then who the f*ck's Anne Frank?
Anne Frank's the little Jewish girl who hid from the Nazis in a secret room with her family.
She wrote a diary.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then, I guess this guy is like Anne Frank, what with the diary, you know?
No, he's like Helen Keller with the handicap, you jerk!
(computer beeping)
You always got to be right, don't you?
You n*zi douche bag.
What?
What do you want?
No, we don't serve Cow Tippers in the morning.
Freedom Toast is a possibility.
♪♪♪♪ Oh, we totally do.
(scoffs)
All right, that'll be $12.64.
(door moos electronically)
(gasps)
(sighs)
Avert your eyes, you perv.
That's not very hygienic.
That's all I'm gonna tell you.
(door moos electronically)
Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?
(sighs)
You just had to tell him, didn't you?
It kind of came out one day.
He says it's so big, it's almost like a little cock...
which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even want to think about.
You wouldn't want to be with a girl with an oversized clit?
No, 'cause the next stop is a guy with an undersized d*ck.
(door moos electronically)
♪♪♪♪ You're a little hard.
'Cause you're a little close to me.
I can pull back, if you want.
Can we pull back into our own apartment in Florida again?
Really?
g*dd*mn it, Dante.
How many times are we gonna have this f*cking conversation?
There is no point in getting an apartment anymore.
My mother has pretty much told us that she's gonna get us a house as a wedding gift.
Your parents' generosity just makes me a little uncomfortable, Em.
They're giving us a house.
Your dad's giving me one of his car washes to run.
It just feels weird.
Babe, it just feels weird because you're so used to life sh1tting on you all the time.
What the f*ck does that mean?
All I'm saying is that suddenly, you have a woman that loves you, a new job opportunity and a fantastic life to look forward to, right?
You got to face it, tiger: You hit the jackpot.
RANDAL: What's up?
Something wrong?
RANDAL: Nope.
Just saw you guys talking.
Thought I'd come out here and join you.
God, it must be nice to have a job with so much downtime.
Downtime's important.
If I had to deal with all the f*cking mouth-breathers nonstop, without a break, I'd put my head in the deep fryer.
Balls, too.
Do you really want to sit here and watch me and my fianc make out?
- Are you that much of a loser?
- Not really.
I was actually gonna ask you two to knock it off while I was out here.
I don't f*cking understand why you can't be happy for your best friend.
He finally found a woman who loves him.
(titters)
Like you even register as a chick to me.
You might as well be a dude.
Really?
Yeah.
You're my best friend's girlfriend.
You became persona non-nookie to me the moment he started diddling your pooter.
So thinking of me in terms of being a girl kind of creeps you out, does it?
Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a girl.
I don't think of you in any way...
Oh, that was just wrong.
If you don't get the f*ck out of here so that I can spend some quality time with my man, next, I'm gonna show you my pooter.
Why would you want to do something like that?
All right, all right, I'm leaving!
Jesus!
What'd you do that for?
You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?
EMMA: Yeah, right.
With Graves?
That man's a total f*cking Lloyd, like most Jersey guys.
Hey!
You talk tough, but when we're crossing the state line, I bet you get all sentimental for Jersey and squirt a few tears.
Yeah, tears of joy, maybe.
Jersey sucks, and we are surrounded by morons.
On that note, I'm gonna go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're leaving?
EMMA: Yeah, I've got a ton of stuff to do before we leave in the morning, but I love you.
I love you, too.
(whispering): Bye.
Dude, I'm pretty sure your old lady wants to get you and me together in a three-way.
(whistling lackadaisically)
(whistling continues)
(scoffs)
(whistling continues)
(door moos electronically)
Ow.
Dude, how old are you?
(laughs)
You know I'm 19, Randal.
You wouldn't work for me last week, remember?
'Cause you said working on my birthday would help me build character.
(sighs)
Well, at least you spelled "cock" right this time.
Why the f*ck are you still getting rides from your mother?
And even worse, what the f*ck are you kissing her good-bye for?
What is she, your f*ckin' prom date?
You're not gonna bother me today, Randal.
I'm in too good a mood.
Because your mom slipped you the tongue?
No, because I just read online that there's gonna be a live-action Transformers movie.
And?
Well...
I mean, as you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime.
I know that.
I wish I didn't.
Well, so not only is it awesome that there's gonna be a live-action Transformers movie, but I'm, like, positioned or whatever with the best possible Net handle and e-mail address for when the movie comes out.
Oh, you're gonna be rolling in the p*ssy, man.
Don't be gross.
Says the guy who was just playing tonsil hockey with his mother.
Mr. Dante!
Leave Elias alone, Randal!
Don't look at his wee-wee.
Dude, the Transformers sucked.
Oh, no, they didn't.
They were more than meets the eye.
(scoffs)
They could b*at the pants off Ranger Danger any day.
Yeah.
I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right - about that or not.
- Ow.
I thought you weren't even allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house 'cause you're all Christian and sh*t.
Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into... robots aren't really that blasphemous, because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines, and it's not a sleight against God.
Transformers were a total sleight against God, inasmuch as God sent His only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind, and all we did to pay him back was make terrible f*cking cartoons like the Transformers.
Nice sh*t.
Well, 'cause at Bible camp, we made this flow chart which...
I mean, I don't know, kind of, like, proved or whatever that...
Well, okay...
Bible camp?!
Since God created...
Since God created man, and man created the Transformers...
...the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal.
No, sir.
They are not a gift from God.
They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.
I don't really want to hear this, Randal.
The first of the fallen, the spoiler of virgins, the master of abortions!
You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal.
(in high-pitched voice): ♪♪ Let me help you ♪♪ Out of your chair, Grandma!
♪♪ Grandma, what was it like ♪♪ To be on that holiday site?
♪♪ Late that night, I awoke from my sleep ♪♪ Hearing unknown voices ♪♪ JAY/RANDAL: ♪♪ Laughing insane...
♪♪ (screaming)
(gasps)
(groaning): Oh...
♪♪♪♪ Oh, what the f*ck was that?
What?
That wave.
I saw Becky, so I waved.
She'll be in here in 20 seconds.
And?
And you've got to greet her before she gets in here, you f*ckin' ass-kiss?
What's that all about?
It's called friendship.
She's your boss.
You can't be friends with your boss.
No, you can't be friends with your boss.
I like my boss.
I think there's something going on between you two.
You're crazy.
You spend an awful lot of time talking to her.
I spend an awful lot of time talking to you, too.
And I've always maintained you're harboring an unrequited h*m* crush on me.
We're just friends.
That's what I keep telling you.
No, you idiot, me and Becks.
"Becks"?
I knew it.
You're f*cking around with the boss.
Yeah, that's why I'm moving to Florida with my fiance.
Why would you want to f*ck around with a chick your own age, man?
If you've got to sow some of your wild oats, there's all these fine young chicks that stop in here after school.
First off, I'm not cheating on my fiance.
Secondly, if I was cheating on my fiance, it wouldn't be with a teenager.
Why not?
The best part of this job is all the barely-legal p*ssy that comes in here.
And they all look up to me, 'cause I've got a driver's license.
It's awesome.
You're 33.
You show me one who's as buck-wild in bed as her 17-year-old counterpart.
nowadays are crazy.
They're up for anything.
They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
Oh...
my...
God.
What?
Are you serious?
I don't f*ck around when it comes to ass to mouth.
DANTE: You never go ass to mouth.
It's never my idea.
These young girls today get all horned up, and they tell you to go ass to mouth.
You never go ass to mouth, Randal!
You sound like my mom.
Becks, do you ever go ass to mouth?
You never go ass to mouth.
You've never gone ass to mouth?
You never go ass to mouth.
I've never gone ass to mouth.
Not even once?
Not even ever.
You're both so repressed.
All right, look, I know you've given a blow job, right?
I haven't even put my purse down yet.
That's a yes.
And I know you've gone down on chicks.
What's your point?
Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss him, right?
That's just like going ass to mouth.
Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vag*na to an assh*le.
(chuckles): And?
Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?
That's an Elias job.
That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job.
ELIAS: Zing!
Shut the f*ck up, GoBot.
I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment.
You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.
You never go ass to mouth!
Would you grow up?
(quietly): All right, I'm gonna tell you this 'cause we're friends...
but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.
(Randal chuckles)
I knew it.
(disgusted groan)
I'm f*ckin' bored, man!
And boredom's the first step on the road to relapse.
("Goodbye Horses" playing)
Oh!
♪♪♪♪ Would you f*ck me?
I'd f*ck me.
I'd f*ck me hard.
♪♪ Ooh, ooh...
ooh, ooh...
♪♪ (long sigh)
("Goodbye Horses" plays faintly from outside)
sh*t.
Well, hello, Miss Scott.
Well, here he is, the escape artist.
I'm not gone yet.
Please.
You've been gone for the last month.
When do you guys leave?
Well, we start driving tomorrow morning.
Oh, uh, I left you the forwarding address for my last check on the calendar there.
So you did.
That's her parents' house, right?
Yes, but only until the wedding.
And then, from what I hear, her parents are giving us a house.
Nice!
So I guess dowries are making a comeback.
Oh, yeah.
Her dad sweetened the pot with two fatted calves and a goat.
(laughs)
I'm gonna miss you, Hicks.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too.
I still can't believe you're just gonna leave me alone in this place... with Randal Graves, of all people.
Quit.
Move to Florida.
You could work at the car wash with me.
Wow, you make it sound so tempting.
How can I say no?
Oh, yeah...
'cause it's a f*cking car wash in Florida.
Like it's any worse than this place.
Hurl the insults all you want, buddy man.
As soon as my uncle's on his feet again, it's not like I'm gonna be staying here.
- Hey, how's he doing?
- A lot better.
It only took two years and a shitload of chemo, but...
his red cell count's almost back to normal.
That's great.
Yeah, it's great for me, too.
Couple of weeks in this crap shack turned into a couple of years a little too quickly.
But, Hicks, we can sit here making small talk about your last day and what it is I'm going to do once you're gone, or we can treat this like any other workday.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
(chuckling)
Randal.
One ring to rule them all.
And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her.
I never wondered that.
Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.
I could get a chick if I wanted.
(laughs): Who are you kidding?
You can't get a chick, you mook.
You're too weird and sad.
I turn down chicks left and right.
Your chicks are your "left" and "right." Yeah, right.
What do you know?
Uh, I know you're a huge f*ckin' nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds, especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.
(laughs quietly)
Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
Yeah.
The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and sh*t, and I wouldn't f*ck them with the Torch of Gondor.
Oh, you're so gross!
(door moos electronically)
Hey, man.
Welcome to Mooby's.
May I take your order?
Yeah, um...
let's see.
Give me one Udderly Delicious Moo-ilk Shake, Skinny Calf and an order of onion rings.
Thanks.
(register beeping)
"One ring to rule them all." (register beeping)
"One ring to find them." Oh, Jesus.
"One ring to bring them all." "And in the darkness bind them." Yes!
Dude!
How many times?
Well, um, three for Fellowship, two for Towers, four for Return.
Five for Return.
Dude!
All right, look, there's only one Return, okay, and it ain't of the king... it's of the Jedi.
Oh, Star Wars geek.
Oh, I'm the geek?
Look at you two, whipping out your preciouses.
You'll have to excuse him.
He's not "down" with the trilogy.
Oh, what the f*ck happened to this world?
There's only one trilogy, you f*cking morons.
You know what?
Maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right?
(robotic monotone): "Danger, danger.
"My name is Anakin.
My shitty acting is ruining saga." (chuckles): Yeah.
Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Oh, I'm crazy?
Those f*cking hobbit movies were boring as hell.
All it was was a bunch of people walking.
Three movies of people walking to a f*ckin' volcano.
Here's the first movie.
And here's the second movie.
He is way off.
Loser.
You ready for the third movie?
(sighs)
f*ckin' A.
Even the f*ckin' trees walked in those movies.
You know what?
I've had enough of you.
Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement that even the Academy recognized when they gave Peter Jackson the Best Directing Oscar... an award your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never and will never win.
Bones.
Oh, sick burn.
Let me tell you something.
If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those "Rings" movies, he would've ended the third one on the logical closure point, not the 25 endings that followed.
What's the logical closure point?
Yeah, friend, enlighten us.
When f*cking Frito wakes up from his little coma or whatever, and the little hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed, and Sam leans in the doorway and gives him that very f*ckin' gay look.
ELIAS: Not the Rings, Randal.
Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.
I am gonna kick your ass back to the Shire if you don't shut your f*ckin' mouth.
That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his f*ckin' cock.
Now, that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.
Hey, f*gg*t, they're not gay.
They're hobbits.
And then right after the Sam-Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam f*cking flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.
I swear...
f*ck you!
(laughs): I made fun of Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super-geek puke all over the counter.
Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?
In the closet with the rest of the cleaning products.
We have cleaning products?
(light jazz playing over radio)
Why does it smell so weird in here?
Buh-bye.
I'm on to you.
You know he's not gonna make it here long once you're not here to protect him anymore, don't you?
Well, you're the one out there encouraging him, advocating ass to mouth.
I wasn't advocating it, you big prude.
I just said it was fine once in a while.
Like you wouldn't do it if Emma told you to.
(scoffs): Christ, no!
Oh, I thought love knew no bounds.
Ew.
That came off kind of catty, didn't it?
A little daytime soapish, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
I actually kind of like Emma.
So do I.
So that's why you're getting married!
I can't wait until you get engaged, so I can bust your balls as hard as you've busted mine.
You're going to be waiting a long time, sir.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
You're the cold-hearted ice princess that doesn't believe in marriage.
I'm not saying that it's not all right for you, but, yes, I do think that marriage goes against our primal nature.
To be loved?
To f*ck as much as possible... spread the seed around and keep the species going.
And all that sh*t they feed us in the movies and greeting cards is just propaganda to get us to marry, have kids and keep the economy going.
Marriage is just the keystone to economics.
You're such a sappy girl.
- Mm.
- Are you trying to tell me you don't believe in love, Beckalah?
In romantic love, no.
Like, I love my parents.
I love my car.
I love you.
But romantic love, hearts and flowers, "There's only one person out there for me"?
Come on, you know how many people there are out there?
Odds are there's always going to be someone who's a better match for you than the person you end up marrying.
So based on your theory, there's someone out there better for me than Emma.
Oh, no, I'm not touching that one.
Wait a second.
You don't think I really love her?
(sighs): I think... you love what she represents.
Which is...?
Come on, Dante, she was the girl who wouldn't give you the time of day back in high school.
And years later, after she's played the field and realized how unsatisfying the so-called "hotties" are, she's finally gone with someone who looks...
Oh, my God, you're gonna say "fugly," aren't you?
Unconventional!
Ah, nice backpedal.
Thank you.
(laughs)
It took her a few years to finally figure out that thing that every mother tries to teach their little girl but she has to learn on her own, and that's that guys that look like you have a lot more to offer, because you'll always try harder than the pretty boy.
What am I, some hideous f*cking CHUD over here?
(laughs): No, you're a catch... kind of.
And Emma's a catch, too.
'Cause not only is she pretty, but... she'll make all your decisions for you.
Which is lucky, because you're pretty terrible at making decisions.
So my last day is all about you telling me what an ugly, indecisive loser I am?
(laughs)
Come on, you worked at Quick Stop for, like, a decade, and you've been here for a year almost, and since day one at both jobs, all you've ever said is how you needed to get out and start your life.
And it wasn't until Emma walked through the door and was, like, "Come down to Florida with me, "and I'll f*ck your brains out, and my daddy will give you a job, and blah-blah," that you actually went and did something about it.
And I get it... it's...
she's your golden ticket, dude.
So, uh...
...what's that make you?
I'm just the girl who fucks ugly, indecisive losers in the kitchen once this place is closed.
(whispers): That's me.
(laughing)
DJ: That's something for the lovers out there.
J-RAM Radio.
Right around high noon...
So, we're never gonna talk about it, are we?
What is there to say?
Do you regret it?
Do you?
I regret that it was on the prep station table.
Yeah, you regret it... you weren't the one who got mayo in your cooch.
(both laughing)
What do you want me to say?
We were drunk, you know?
It just kind of happened.
You're just lucky I'm not one of those monogamists like your girlfriend.
Otherwise, I might try to make you stay in Jersey.
If anyone could do it, it'd be you.
Dude, your old lady's out here looking for you.
(door creaks)
(whispers): Yeah.
Come outside with me.
I've got a surprise for you.
That's my surprise?
No.
♪♪ Goodbye, horses...
♪♪ Hey.
Oh.
So, um... are you looking for a good Transformers site?
Because at CarsToBots.
com, you can get an avatar that's your picture morphed to look like a robot.
Come on, man.
You know I only surf Transformers sites when there's girls around, so they can see how cool I am.
So what are you doing then?
Trying to secure a going away present for Mr.
Dante.
Really?
Well, how about an Arwen sword replica?
What?
Uh...
'Cause it's, like, thoughtful and practical.
I was thinking of something a little more sexy.
Well, what's sexier than an elf princess's sword?
A donkey show.
What's that?
You ever see a chick give a mule a blow job?
(screeching): Oh, no!
Shh!
Jesus!
If you spoil this, I'm gonna brain you.
You gonna keep your mouth shut?
(muffled): Yes.
God.
That's bestiality, Randal.
At its finest, I hope.
Who'd want to see something like that?
Me, Dante, you.
I don't want to see something like that.
Why would you want to see something like that?
Because it's f*cked up.
And I want to see if a chick with a mouthful of donkey spunk swallows.
All right, here we go.
"Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.
"Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana, "Kelly's taking it on the road.
Taking it in the ass, that is." You got to give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good.
Do they show pictures?
Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime.
Really?
Ow.
Let me borrow your cellphone.
Whoa.
Well, 'cause, I'm only supposed to use it to call my parents in case of an emergency.
This is an emergency.
We got to lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight, so we can give Mr.
Dante a memorable send-off.
You love Mr.
Dante, don't you?
In a non-gay way.
Then give me your phone.
'Cause Mr.
Dante's never seen a donkey show.
And it'd be nice to give him this before he goes off to Florida and gets married and does all those other things that prevent a guy from ever seeing a f*cked-up donkey show in his lifetime.
Hello.
Uh, I was hoping to schedule Kinky Kelly for a performance.
Tonight.
Okay.
I'm on hold.
Fingers crossed.
We should probably cross dicks, too.
No.
BECKY: Work, work, work.
That's all you ever think about, Hicks.
Hey, Becks.
Hey, Emma.
Great shirt.
Isn't it?
I love it.
What I love even more are these.
These came in early, and I just had to come back and show Dante.
And give you yours, of course.
And I have one for Randal, I guess.
What is it?
Look, I know it's three months away, but it would mean so much to us if you could make the trip down.
Well... yeah.
Uh, I wouldn't miss it.
I thought we were waiting till we got down there before we picked a date.
Oh, him is so cute.
Him thinking again, huh?
If we left anything up to these jackals, nothing would ever get done, would it?
I'm just teasing.
Guess you got to make their decisions for 'em sometimes.
All right, I've got it.
I will see you then.
Thank you.
My friend, tonight, we bring a bit of TJ to the Jersey 'burbs.
(door moos electronically)
Well, I don't know about this, Randal.
I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax?
Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?
Strangely, no.
But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all.
Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that?
Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank.
'Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, f*cked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?
Ho-ly sh*t.
You know, I've never pieced this together until right now.
You're a virgin, aren't you?
You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.
Oh, yeah.
What's her name again?
Myra Hodgkiss.
You made her up, didn't you?
That name sounds so made-up.
No.
Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?
Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.
Come on!
I tell you about my sex life all the time.
I let you smell my fingers after I f*cked Taton Weathers' kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?
You kind of made me smell your fingers.
Maybe you just don't like the p*ssy.
Maybe you're all about the cock.
No, no, I like the p*ssy.
So come on.
Did Myra ever give you a cr*ck at her cr*ck or what?
Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal, but she can't.
Why?
Jesus, Elias, come on.
You got to start trusting me more.
Because once Dante's gone, you're gonna be my new best friend.
No, I'm not.
Who the f*ck else am I gonna hang out with?
It's gonna be you and me, buddy.
So come on.
You got to start trusting me more.
Open up and tell me sh*t.
Like why haven't you f*cked Myra yet?
(sighs)
Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
What the f*ck's Pillow Pants?
Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her p*ssy.
Pillow Pants is her p*ssy troll.
Duh.
You know how every girl's parents put a p*ssy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex?
Sure.
Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants.
And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off.
So I got to wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
And Myra told you this?
Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal.
You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Women.
I'll be right back.
You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.
Look who it is, Randal.
Randal Graves.
You work here, too?
Jesus.
Anyone else from our graduating class back there?
RANDAL: Well, well, well...
Pickle Fucker.
Man, look at you two fun-ployees.
Nothing's changed.
You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts, when you two aren't fighting about who sh*t first, Han or Greedo, you can still muster up enough energy to make fun of other people.
Yeah.
So hurry up and order and get out of here, so we can make fun of you.
Oh, I don't know if you're in a position to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves.
flipping burgers?
Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop for, what, like, ten years?
We can't all be Internet millionaires.
Who's an Internet millionaire?
Elias, this is Lance Dowds.
We went to high school together.
A few years ago, he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices of merchandise you can buy online.
You might have heard of it...
MadDucketts.com.
Didn't that just sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks?
RANDAL: Yeah, but back before he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle Fucker.
You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called initiations.
They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girls' shower room naked.
But Lance here got the worst of it.
The seniors yanked down his pants, and shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet.
The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark.
He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.
Ew...
Yeah, but don't worry... he made it.
His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly...
Pickle Fucker.
ELIAS: Do you have any interest in building the ultimate fan site for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers?
Because I'd moderate it for free.
Ease up, Pillow Pants.
The dude's not into your D&D, GoBots bullshit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't insult the guy.
The GoBots are like the Kmart of Transformers.
Thank you!
I keep telling them that.
Here, here's my e-mail address.
Drop me a line with some of your ideas.
Cool.
LANCE: Okay, let's see.
What do I want?
Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?
I'll get your order.
Here you go.
Well, that was fast.
And fresh.
Thanks.
Come again.
Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
You know what?
Take mine.
Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?
Wow, thanks, Pickle Fucker.
Yo, so Pickle Fucker gave us free eats!
You know, I don't eat fast food.
It's not good for you.
But when I heard you guys were actually working here, well, I just had to see it for myself.
It's kind of nice having that kind of free time.
Just like it's kind of comforting to know that some things never change.
Take care, clerks.
(imitates g*nshots)
Ooh, sick burn.
(chuckles)
(door moos electronically)
f*ck this.
Let me borrow your car.
You're supposed to be working.
I got to get out of here for a few minutes.
Let me borrow your car.
Elias, tell Becky we'll be right back.
(door moos electronically)
(Elias shouting anxiously in distance)
Where we going?
You know, this tastes like piss and flies, don't it?
Sure you want to do this?
RANDAL: Oh, yeah.
This will make me feel better.
♪♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪♪ And just like the guy who's feet are too big for his bed ♪♪ Nothing seems to fit, those ♪♪ Raindrops are falling on my head ♪♪ They keep falling ♪♪ But there's one thing I know ♪♪ The blues they send to meet me ♪♪ Won't defeat me ♪♪ It won't be long ♪♪ Till happiness steps up to greet me ♪♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red ♪♪ Crying's not for me, 'cause ♪♪ I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining ♪♪ Because I'm free ♪♪ Nothing's worrying...
♪♪ Me.
♪♪ DANTE: Here's what I don't understand about you.
You have a license, you can drive a grown-up car.
But when you ride the go-carts, you somehow feel better about yourself.
Look, it just centers me, all right?
Kind of the way jerking off at work centers you.
I only did it that one time.
And it wasn't to center me.
Yeah, it was to come.
Well, I don't know about you, but coming centers me.
Then why did we have to leave work, so we can ride the go-carts to clear your head?
Well, I don't want to jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom.
What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and ret*rd strong?
Suddenly, I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my d*ck in his mouth.
The most likeliest of scenarios.
(scoffs)
Man, that sh*t Lance said must have really bothered you.
Oh, f*ck him.
He's an assh*le.
He always was.
I'm sorry I let him bug me even for a second.
At least I got a go-cart trip out of it.
Why do the go-carts help?
I don't know.
They just remind me of a better time in my life.
Like when?
Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.
We're not that old.
Yeah.
But sometimes I get the feeling the world kind of left us behind a long time ago.
You know...
you can do something about that.
I told you, I don't want to jerk off in the bathroom at work.
No, I mean you can get out of Mooby's, too, completely change your situation in life.
What'd be the point?
Besides, why do you give a sh*t?
You're leaving.
(door moos electronically)
Thanks, you guys, thanks.
Come on!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that a number two you wanted?
Yeah, and bovine-size it.
$13.84.
I need two Surlies and a Cow Tipper.
I'm on it.
How we set for fries?
I don't think these look right.
Jesus!
Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive.
It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
RANDAL: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries?
The machine does all the work.
What's a machine got to transform into some giant f*cking robot before you'll take it seriously?
Go home.
Will you just make some fries already?
Look, I don't have all night.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
They need to get some Mexicans working in here.
They'd be...
(imitates laser)
They don't play around.
I know it.
Mexican made me lose my job.
That m*therf*cker put a roof up in 30 seconds.
Where the f*ck did you guys go?
You don't want to know.
Well, I know it's your last day and all, but while you're still on the clock, can't you kind of pretend like you still give a sh*t?
RANDAL: Don't blame this guy.
Some cock stain that we went to high school with showed up to remind us that we're f*cking failures, so I wanted to get out of here and blow off some steam, if you must know.
Did he say "cock stain"?
What the f*ck is cock stain?
I don't know... that's some white freaky stuff.
White boys get the white women to do everything.
You want to do a cock stain?
Do you know how often I've had people come in here that I went to school with?
f*ck, I had to take a f*cking order off of a guy I blew after junior prom once.
Yeah, I've waited on your brother, too... h'noop!
I can't believe you.
The smartest of smart asses got rattled by some f*cking loser coming in here giving you sh*t about your McJob.
Oh, f*ck him, okay?
Sooner or later, I'll do something with myself and make my mark.
But until then, whatever I do is not a waste of time, it's all building toward something.
How about you build towards making some f*ckin' fries?
They're coming!
Remember, you saved.
You don't use that kind of language.
Ain't nobody from my church in here.
I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've got to wear.
But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of f*cking p*rch monk*ys.
DANTE: Randal!
Uh, I'm-I'm sorry.
He...
He didn't really just say what I think he said.
- What?
p*rch monk*ys?
- Randal!
What the f*ck is wrong with you?!
I want my money back right now.
Of course.
Um, you know what?
Here, take this on us.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cr*cker-ass hate-monger.
I will.
Baby, you can't taste racism.
What racism?
p*rch monk*ys?!
- You little mother...
- Calm down, champ.
It ain't worth it.
You're lucky my husband doesn't jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.
- Why?
- Yeah, baby, why?
I mean, ain't like he called us p*rch monk*ys.
Hey, hey!
Baby, stop hitting on me!
See, the judge told you about that.
You got to stop putting your hands on people.
Here, take this.
This is your money.
Please, take the food on us.
- We're sorry.
- Oh, uh-uh.
I'm gonna write to the paper about this, and all y'all getting fired up in here.
Jesus!
I'm gonna take the food.
Thank you very much.
Damn!
f*ckin' porch monkey...
Thanks.
Come again.
Don't leave me, baby!
Are you out of your f*cking mind?!
What?!
What's the big deal?
Since when is it a crime to say "porch monkey"?
Oh, I don't know... since forever!
- Why?
- Because "porch monkey" is a racial slur against black people.
No, it's not.
"n*gg*r" is.
Randal!
Did Randal just call Mr.
Dante a n*gg*r?
Shut up, Elias!
I didn't just call Dante a n*gg*r.
I just said that "n*gg*r" is a racial slur.
So is "porch monkey"!
Oh, it is not.
co*n, spook, spade, moolie, jiggaboo, nignug...
those are racial slurs.
"Porch monkey" is not.
I am going to pretend like this conversation didn't happen.
Elias, go pick up that f*cking mess, and you are this close to getting sh*t-canned!
(scoffs)
f*ckin' sh**t me now.
(grunts angrily)
What are you doing?!
Are you trying to get fired?
Since when did "porch monkey" suddenly become a racial slur?
When ignorant racists started saying it 100 years ago.
Oh, bullshit.
My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid, because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.
DANTE: Despite the fact that your grandmother might have used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur.
It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.
Oh, it is not.
Plus, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community.
When I was a kid, she told me to always treat the Jewish kids well, or they'd put the sheeny curse on me.
What the f*ck, man?!
What?!
"Sheeny" is a racial slur, too!
Oh, it is not.
Yes, it is!
Well, she never called any Jews sheeny.
She just used to say "sheeny curse" a lot.
(chuckling): It was cute.
It wasn't cute!
It was r*cist!
I disagree, man.
She was just an old-timer.
That's the way people talked back then.
Didn't mean they were racists.
But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a n*gg*r Kn*fe.
You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a r*cist.
You think?!
Well, I-I still don't think "porch monkey" should be considered a racial term.
I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people.
I think if we really tried, we could reclaim "porch monkey" and save it.
DANTE: It can't be saved, Randal.
The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race.
And even if it could be saved, you can't save it, because you're not black!
Well, listen to you.
Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin?
You're the r*cist.
(grunts)
I'm taking it back.
You watch.
(door moos electronically)
(chuckling): Hey.
What can I get for you, you little porch monkey?
It's cool.
I'm taking it back.
(sighs)
(sighs)
(sighs)
♪♪♪♪♪♪ Hey.
Hey.
So, are you scared about getting married at all?
Um...
were we in the middle of a conversation I don't remember leaving?
I was just thinking about it, and I was thinking that maybe you were waiting for some friend to try and stop you from going through with the wedding by asking if you're even ready to go and get married.
So I'm asking.
Are you scared about getting married?
Well, kind of.
I mean, I'm not scared of getting married, you know...
I-I always wanted to get married one day...
but I am scared of the wedding.
Why?
I don't know how to dance.
You're kidding.
I wish I was.
You're about to tie your life to someone, someone who doesn't even really get you as well as your friends do, and what you're sweating is dancing at your reception?
Well, I-I figure she'll eventually get me.
I mean, you're married to someone long enough, they got to get you eventually, right?
Are you kidding?
My parents have been married for 35 years, and they still don't get each other.
Emma's pretty, smart, happy, a good person... and for some strange reason, she loves me.
I mean, what am I supposed to do, pass up on that because I have a few stupid doubts and some jitters?
Besides, dancing at the reception's the more imperative concern at this point, because I only get, well, presumably, one chance to dance at my wedding.
(sighs)
So, what, you can't slow dance?
No.
Anybody can slow dance, but this is one of the only times I've ever gonna meet most of Emma's extended family, and I'd like to be able to show some flair on the dance floor, you know?
Like, make an impression so that maybe they'll see whatever it is that Emma sees in me instead of all feeling like I'm some burger-peddling loser who couldn't even bust a move.
What?
(laughs): You're serious?
Come on.
Hey, 12-step!
Jay!
Lord?
Up here, jackass.
What the f*ck are you doing up there?!
Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a cr*ck at that p*ssy first.
Let me find out.
You still got your boom box?
Play something, and turn it way up.
Something danceable.
Up here?
Are you serious?
You're gonna teach me to dance up here?
What?
You want I should do it in front of all the customers?
What customers?
Shut up.
Come over here.
Okay, get ready for the music.
You feel it... here.
Here it comes.
♪♪ Grandma, what was it like ♪♪ To be on the holiday site?
♪♪ Something a little less demonic, please!
♪♪ But with them by my side in the twilight...
♪♪ Thank you.
(Jackson Five's "ABC" playing)
Yes!
Okay, okay, um, just-just follow whatever it is I'm doing, okay?
- Step forward...
- All right.
- ♪♪ You went to school...
♪♪ - Step back.
To your right.
♪♪ Things you never, never knew before...
♪♪ To your left.
Turn to the right.
♪♪ Like "I" before "E" except after "C" ♪♪ And why two plus two makes four ♪♪ Now, now, now, I'm gonna teach you ♪♪ Teach you, teach you ♪♪ All about love, girl ♪♪ All about love ♪♪ Sit yourself down...
♪♪ Okay, you really do suck.
Sit down.
Told you.
Just watch me, all right?
♪♪ A, B, C ♪♪ Easy as one, two, three ♪♪ As simple as do, re, mi ♪♪ A, B, C, one, two, three ♪♪ Baby, you and me, girl ♪♪ A, B, C ♪♪ Easy as one, two, three ♪♪ As simple as do, re, mi ♪♪ A, B, C, one, two, three ♪♪ Baby, you and me, girl ♪♪ Come on and love me just a little bit ♪♪ I'm gonna teach you how to sing it out ♪♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪♪ Let me show you what it's all about ♪♪ Reading, writing, arithmetic ♪♪ Are the branches of the learning tree ♪♪ But without the roots of love every day, girl ♪♪ Your education ain't complete ♪♪ Tea-Tea-Tea-Teacher's gonna show you ♪♪ She's gonna show you ♪♪ How to get an "A" ♪♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪♪ How to spell "me," "you," add the two ♪♪ Listen to me, baby, that's all you got to do ♪♪ Oh, A, B, C ♪♪ It's easy as one, two, three ♪♪ As simple as do, re, mi ♪♪ A, B, C, one, two, three ♪♪ Baby, you and me, girl ♪♪ A, B, C, it's easy ♪♪ It's like counting up to three ♪♪ Singing simple melodies ♪♪ That's how easy love can be ♪♪ That's how easy love can be ♪♪ Singing simple melodies ♪♪ One, two, three, you and me!
♪♪ Yeah!
♪♪ - (Silent Bob mouthing)
- ♪♪ Sit down, girl ♪♪ I think I love you ♪♪ No, get up, girl ♪♪ Show me what you can do ♪♪ Shake it, shake it, baby ♪♪ Come on, now ♪♪ Shake it, shake it, baby ♪♪ Ooh, ooh, shake it, shake it, baby, yeah ♪♪ One, two, three, baby ♪♪ Ooh, ooh, A, B, C, baby ♪♪ Na, na, do, re, mi, baby ♪♪ Now that's how easy love can be ♪♪ - GROUP: ♪♪ Whoo!
♪♪ - ♪♪ A, B, C, it's easy ♪♪ It's like counting up to three ♪♪ Singing simple melodies ♪♪ That's how easy love can be ♪♪ Teacher's gonna teach you how to sing it out ♪♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪♪ Let me show you what it's all about ♪♪ A, B, C, it's easy ♪♪ It's like counting up to three...
♪♪ I love you, Becky.
♪♪ Singing simple melodies...
♪♪ I'm pregnant, Dante.
♪♪ That's how easy...
♪♪ (gasps, grunts)
Oh!
(door creaking)
(door bangs shut)
I'm having second thoughts.
About your sexuality?
About going to Florida.
Yeah, right.
Why now, all of a sudden?
Becky's pregnant.
She is?
Huh.
So, what, are you afraid you're gonna miss the baby shower?
I'm the father.
This sucks, man.
I have pelvic piss syndrome like a m*therf*cker, so be really f*cking quiet.
Ew, dude, don't try looking at my d*ck.
- JAY: What the f*ck?
- RANDAL: What?
Should we have left that guy in there?
Oh, f*ck him!
How the f*ck did you father a child with a chick that's not your fianc?!
Holy sh*t!
She got pregnant off the toilet seat you jerked off onto!
I f*cking knew it!
No, we had sex one night after work, a few weeks ago.
What?!
Where?!
Here, on the prep station table.
Ew!
That's my prep table.
I don't know what to do.
What did Beck say?
She says she wants to have it.
Oh, my God, so she wants you to break it off - with Emma and marry her?
- No.
She's gonna tell Emma?
No!
Wait a second...
then what's the problem?
- Are you that dense?
- I'm serious.
If Becks isn't busting your balls about it, what's the big deal?
You could still go down to Florida and live happily ever after.
Knowing I have a love child up in Jersey?!
How the f*ck do you always have, like, two good-looking girls who want you?
You're the most hideous f*cking CHUD I've ever met, and you always have a pair of girls fighting over you.
Listen, you can never tell anybody about this.
Who am I gonna tell?
I'm serious, Randal!
And not just for me.
Becky says she doesn't want anybody to know.
Then what'd you tell me for?
Look, you've f*cked me over in the past, but this is huge.
This is serious!
Promise me that you'll keep your mouth shut, because if you f*ck me over this time, I swear to God, I will b*at the sh*t out of you.
(laughs): You and what army?
I'm serious!
I'm serious, too.
You and what army?
Promise me!
All right!
Get off of me, you nut!
JAY: What the f*ck?!
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh, we were just...
May your first child be a masculine child.
(huffs)
Becky!
Randal!
She was sweating me.
It just came out.
Ow!
sh*t!
You swung at me!
- You ducked!
- Because you swung at me!
Damn it!
Where's Becky?
She just left.
I need help here, Mr.
Dante.
I can't wrap good, and Randal ate the last pickles.
You f*cking snitch.
I'm sorry, Randal.
I'm sorry.
Becky!
Maybe she went to get a home pregnancy test just to be sure.
How the f*ck could this day get any worse?
Well, what the f*ck are you doing, man?!
Follow her!
You-you think?
You're darn right, I do.
You two have got to work this out.
Follow her, talk to her for an hour, then come back here.
An hour?!
I-I've found that any more time than that, you run the risk of saying the wrong thing again.
Follow her, talk to her for an hour, then come back here and help me close up.
You can't close up by yourself?
f*cking A, man, you're about to become a father!
Time to start acting responsibly!
Be back here in an hour.
Go!
(engine starts)
(tires screech)
Hello.
I assume you're with Kinky Kelly.
Good guess.
You Randal?
I am.
How long is it gonna take you to set up?
Got to hook up the boom box, hang a few curtains and some lights.
I've got a small smoke machine for ambiance.
Yeah.
Well, you might as well start setting up.
We got about an hour before the guest of honor gets back.
So, do I, uh, get to meet Kelly before the show or what?
Nah.
Kelly likes privacy before show time.
But after the show, if you want, for an extra $500, you can f*ck Kelly.
Really?
Sweet.
Yeah.
So, where we doing this thing?
Oh, right inside the restaurant.
You're kidding.
Not spacious enough?
No, it's plenty spacious.
Just kind of weird, isn't it?
Kind of weird?
You're in the bestiality business, dude.
Hey, fucko...
...we like to call it inter-species erotica.
Intriguing.
(Smashing Pumpkins "1979" playing)
♪♪ Shakedown 1979 ♪♪ Cool kids never have the time ♪♪ On a live wire right up off the street ♪♪ You and I should meet ♪♪ Junebug skipping like a stone ♪♪ Headlights pointed at the dawn ♪♪ We were sure we'd never see an end to it all ♪♪ And I don't even care ♪♪ To shake these zipper blues ♪♪ And we don't know ♪♪ Just where our bones will rest ♪♪ To dust, I guess ♪♪ Lamented and assured ♪♪ To the lights ♪♪ And towns below ♪♪ Faster than ♪♪ The speed of sound ♪♪ Faster than ♪♪ We thought we'd go ♪♪ Beneath the sound ♪♪ Of hope ♪♪ The street heats the urgency of now ♪♪ As you see, there's no one around.
♪♪ Oh, no.
Not again.
(speed-dial beeping)
Yeah, I have a fire at the Mooby's on Memorial Parkway and Leonardo.
(door moos electronically, Dante coughs)
(hissing)
(slow, sensual, rhythmic melody playing)
What?
(funky riff kicks in)
What the f*ck is going on?
It's your going-away party.
Whoo!
Whoo!
We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!
Oh, my God, is Elias hammered?
Isn't it awesome?
My man smoked two blunts full of skunk.
f*ck Pillow Pants!
Honk if you love a tight p*ssy...
Yo, we love p*ssy.
Tonight, before you leave me forever, we are gonna peep something we've been talking about since we saw "Bachelor Party" at your parents' house on Beta, when we were 12.
What the f*ck are you talking about?
I'm gonna miss you, man.
I'm gonna miss you, too, but this is a little much.
Yeah?
Just wait.
(chuckling)
Show time!
(laughs)
Ladies and gentlemen... and you, Elias, straight from the debauchery capital of the world, Tijuana, Mexico...
Oh, God, no.
Oh, God, yes.
Get ready for some hard-core bestiality.
DRIVER: Inter-species erotica, fucko!
(laughs)
Inter-species erotica at its finest, straight from TJ, I give you Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud!
♪♪ Maybe ♪♪ - ♪♪ Just maybe...
♪♪ - Whoo!
♪♪ Naughty girls need love, too...
♪♪ Don't worry.
Chick's coming.
♪♪ I've been told time and time again ♪♪ That you can't treat love like a game...
♪♪ Any second, the chick's coming.
♪♪ But I play rough with hearts that never mend ♪♪ 'Cause some guys like you do the same ♪♪ Love was just a four-letter word ♪♪ Never heard, how absurd...
♪♪ Any minute now.
♪♪ How could it be?
♪♪ But now I can't believe this is real ♪♪ How I feel, now you steal ♪♪ My heart away from me ♪♪ Used to be so good and so bad ♪♪ Sex was something I just had...
♪♪ Wow, that guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.
Uh, Randal...?!
Where the f*ck's the chick?
♪♪ Baby, don't let me be misunderstood ♪♪ Temporary love's so bad...
♪♪ Yo, Freddie f*cking Mercury, where's Kelly?
♪♪ Then along came you...
♪♪ Right here.
♪♪ Now I know it's true...
♪♪ I thought that's the sexy stud.
I'm the sexy stud.
♪♪ Then came you...
♪♪ But this donkey's a dude.
Kelly can be a guy's name, too.
Hey!
♪♪ Yes, it's true ♪♪ I'm in love with you ♪♪ And believe it, baby ♪♪ This time, your love won't get away...
♪♪ (groans)
Due to some nomenclature confusion, there's not gonna be any chick.
Well, who the f*ck's gonna blow the donkey?
♪♪ Ooh, it's only you I adore ♪♪ So much more than my body was asking for...
♪♪ Oh!
♪♪ Yes, your love is breaking my chill...
♪♪ I have a huge boner right now.
♪♪ In my heart...
♪♪ Oh, my God!
Becky!
Where did you go?
What the f*ck is going on here?
Uh, inter-species erotica.
Are you okay?
I'm disgusted and repulsed and...
and I can't look away.
♪♪ Baby, don't let me be misunderstood...
♪♪ It's huge!
♪♪ Temporary love's so bad...
♪♪ - (donkey brays)
- ♪♪ But it feels so good ♪♪ Then along came you...
♪♪ We need to talk.
Did you see the size of that cock...
I love you.
And-and I think you love me, too.
Uh, of-of course.
I...
I mean, we're friends.
I-I think you love me as more than a friend.
It's okay.
You can say it.
But I-I don't believe in romantic love.
I think you do.
Do you really want to do this right now?
♪♪ But it feels so good ♪♪ - (sighs)
- ♪♪ Then along came you...
♪♪ Well, I guess the show's over.
I don't think so, sir.
♪♪ Naughty girls need love... too...
♪♪ If he's gonna jerk off, I'm gonna jerk off, too.
I don't think he's gonna jerk off.
♪♪ So moving like you're 40 ♪♪ This groove is much too naughty ♪♪ Can't you see?
♪♪ I want you just for me ♪♪ - ♪♪ Boys, make some noise...
♪♪ - (brays)
Yo, you guys are gonna miss this sh*t!
The big guy's gonna cornhole that ass...
with his wiener!
Hold that thought.
♪♪ Freeze, freeze, freeze, freeze...
♪♪ (moaning)
I hope that donkey doesn't have a heinie troll.
♪♪ Temporary love's so bad...
♪♪ All right, I do.
Do what?
♪♪ Then along came you...
♪♪ I do love you.
♪♪ Temporary, temporary...
♪♪ What kind of sick f*ck gets turned on watching a guy f*ck a donkey?
♪♪ Naughty girls need love ♪♪ Baby, baby ♪♪ (sobbing)
I'm sorry, Jesus.
(moaning)
♪♪ Then along came you...
♪♪ Dante?
What's going on?
Ooh, cake.
(moans)
Yo, I was outside taking a piss when I heard the news.
Congrats!
You're having a baby, right?
No.
Who said that?
Some assh*le.
♪♪ Temporary, temporary...
♪♪ I'm sorry.
♪♪ Naughty girls need love...
♪♪ You f*ck!
(thud, Dante groans)
Quick, hit that two-timing f*ck with this!
Hey, want to go out sometime?
Emma, I don't...
I don't know what to say.
Take him, you f*cking whore.
(ring jingles as it bounces across floor)
Emma!
(sirens blaring)
Oh, no.
♪♪ Don't let me ♪♪ Baby ♪♪ Temporary love's so bad ♪♪ Temporary love's so bad ♪♪ Then along came you...
♪♪ Oh, sh*t, not again.
Got to finish.
(moans)
Yo, cops are outside, we're holding, and I'm still on probation.
- (sighs)
- ♪♪ Temporary, temporary...
♪♪ What the f*ck?
(brays)
Porch monkey?!
Oh, no, no, it's cool.
I'm taking it back.
(whooping)
I love p*ssy and beer!
Whoo-hoo!
(groans)
Deja f*cking vu, right?
Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it?
Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars or something.
Or they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2.
No, come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, all right?
But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea?
Carbonite.
What do you think, Dante?
I think I'm gonna k*ll you!
Get off of me!
What up?!
Steel cage match!
You ruined my life!
Your life was already ruined!
Jesus!
What were you thinking?
A f*cking donkey show?!
It was your going-away present!
DANTE: It sure was.
I just never thought I'd be going away to prison.
SEXY STUD: Hey, boys.
You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act.
You guys'll walk.
The most I'll get'll be a fine for animal abuse and a lot of disgusted looks from asswipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration.
Hey!
(chuckles)
(sighs)
I miss my donkey.
I can't believe you.
I finally get my sh*t together.
I'm hours from getting out of here and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.
Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's f*cked up.
I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss.
You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?
Ew.
(chuckling): What?
Would you shut up?
(chuckling)
You're chaos incarnate, man.
Our whole lives, you've been getting me into trouble and holding me back.
Oh, I'm holding you back, right?
I remember, like, ten years ago, the night we went to Julie Dwyer's funeral, you were all like, "I need to sh*t or get off the pot." You said, "sh*t or get off the pot," not me.
You got all fired up about taking charge of your life, and what'd you do?
You worked at the store till the place b*rned down.
I took courses at Brookdale.
And dropped out.
Because you stopped going.
Because we were just k*lling time with those classes.
One semester, we took Criminology, for Christ's sake.
What the f*ck were we training to be, Batman?
DANTE: At least we were doing something instead of wasting our lives in some f*cking convenience store!
RANDAL: You know what?
You can badmouth Quick Stop all you want, but I miss that place.
I loved working there.
I look back on that period as the best time in my life.
Now I know you're f*ckin' nuts.
Why?
Because I enjoyed what I did?
I got to watch movies, f*ck with assholes, and hang out with my best friend all day.
Can you think of a better way to make a living?
Yeah, maybe it's not what everyone does, but it was pretty f*cking good.
(laughs)
Man, that's you all over.
Scrape by with the bare minimum.
Well, I'm tired of that, Randal.
I'm not in high school anymore.
sh*t, I'm not even in my twenties anymore.
I don't want to sit around and rag on customers while eating free food.
That's what you want to do.
That's what you've always wanted to do.
Well, if that's all you want out of life, man, then God bless, but I refuse to let your sh*t taint the rest of mine.
No.
I'm gonna smooth things over with Emma, go to Florida and start my Randal Graves-free existence.
And try to forget these last So that's the way you see all this time we've spent together?
That's weird, man.
I thought you were the only guy in the world who got me and had my back...
the only person who'd take a b*llet for me, 'cause I assumed you felt about me the same way I feel about you.
Then, all of a sudden, one day, you're like, "I'm moving.
Bye." Do you know what that's been like for me?
I'm looking at a future that just sucks, because you're not gonna be in it anymore.
And you're not even throwing me over for a life that means something to you.
It's just a stupid, hollow existence you think you should embrace because you're getting old or something, because it's the kind of life everyone else goes after.
You're a f*cking drone, dude.
DANTE: Fine.
Then the next friend whose life you ruin can be a totally free spirit.
How's that?
You think I want to start making friends at my age?
Christ.
Who would want me as their friend?
I hate everyone, and everything seems stupid to me...
...but you were always the counterbalance to that... the guy who was the yin to my yang.
But now what the f*ck am I gonna do for the rest of my life?
I mean, sh*t, I really wish you would've told me this when I first met you that one day, you were gonna bail on our friendship, because if I had known you were just gonna flake on me a few decades later...
I wouldn't have even bothered with your ass in the first place.
Jesus, why don't you two just f*ck and get it over with already?
(muttering): Faggots.
Why can't you ever say something useful for a change?
Well, what the f*ck you waiting for?
That's your cue, man.
I got nothing.
Jesus f*cking Christ, what good are you, you mute f*ck?!
You know what?
That hurts.
Like, what do you ever add to the f*cking proceedings?
You got, like, one answer for everything: "p*ssy, man." Oh, then, man, you must love this f*ckin' guy, 'cause he's the biggest p*ssy I ever met.
The dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards.
"I got to go to Florida and get married, 'cause that's what's expected of me." And the f*ckin' insane part is, he ain't even that crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about, and even Anne f*ckin' Frank could see she's nuts about him.
God knows why.
And she likes you for who you are, man.
She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into.
Not to mention the fact that she's carrying your hideous f*cking CHUD of a kid.
Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd f*ckin' stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense for you, you f*ckin' ass!
Oh, yeah?
And what's that?
You obviously have such a great handle on your life.
Tell me what you would do if you were in my position...
or even what you'd do in your own position?
Swing that judgmental pendulum back the other way and tell me how you'd solve all your problems, assh*le.
What the f*ck would the great Randal Graves do if he were half the master of his destiny that I'm supposed to be?!
I'd buy the Quick Stop and reopen it myself!
That's what I'd do.
That's what we should do.
Yeah, right.
Who-who are we, Lance Dowds?
Do you know how much it would cost to buy the Quick Stop?
Like, 50 grand, easy.
And neither one of us have that type of money.
(sighs)
JAY: We do.
That's right.
You guys would be willing to lend us some of that money so we can reopen the stores?
Sure, on two conditions.
One: We can hang out in front of the store anytime we want, and you can't call the cops.
And two: You have to blow each other, and we get to watch.
Then you have to go ass to mouth.
All right, just the first condition.
Seriously?
Do I stutter?
Yeah, seriously.
What do you think?
(sighs)
I almost hate to say it, but...
it kind of makes sense.
Hey, maybe that's why we spent so much time in that store, why college or anything else never panned out for us.
I mean, think about it, man.
You and me running our own business instead of working for some other assh*le?
Could be pretty f*ckin' sweet, right?
Yeah, it really could.
But I don't know, man.
I was this close to starting a new life.
Jesus.
You're actually gonna make me do this, aren't you?
(sighs)
Can you guys cover your ears for a minute, please?
You're my best friend...
and I love you.
In a totally heterosexual way.
Yeah, right.
Please, man, don't leave me.
Thanks.
That'll be $5.79.
♪♪♪♪ I mean, you already taught me how to dance at a wedding.
I mean...
I-I know you don't believe in romantic love.
♪♪ I am the kindest soul with whom you're connected ♪♪ I have the bravest heart ♪♪ That you've ever seen ♪♪ Is that a yes?
What took you so long?
♪♪ ...I am sometimes ♪♪ You see everything ♪♪ You see every part ♪♪ You see all my light ♪♪ "One ring to rule them all." ♪♪ You dig everything ♪♪ Of which I'm ashamed ♪♪ There's not anything to which you can't relate ♪♪ And you're still here ♪♪ What I resist ♪♪ Persists and speaks ♪♪ Louder than ♪♪ I know ♪♪ What I resist ♪♪ You love, no matter ♪♪ How low ♪♪ Or high I go...
♪♪ Come on!
♪♪ You see everything ♪♪ You see every part ♪♪ You see all my light ♪♪ And you love my dark ♪♪ You dig everything ♪♪ Of which I'm ashamed ♪♪ There's not anything to which you can't relate ♪♪ And you're still here ♪♪ You see everything ♪♪ - ♪♪ You see every part ♪♪ - ♪♪ You're still here ♪♪ You see all my light ♪♪ - ♪♪ And you love my dark ♪♪ - ♪♪ And you're still here ♪♪ You dig everything ♪♪ Of which I'm ashamed ♪♪ There's not anything to which you can't relate ♪♪ And you're still here.
♪♪♪♪ (song ends)
(traffic passing by)
("Goodbye Horses" playing)
Oh!
Thanks.
Okay.
Pack of cigarettes?
You know what?
What?
You're not even supposed to be here today.
(chuckles)
(sighs): Can you feel it?
Feel what?
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
(light acoustic intro playing)
♪♪ They say misery ♪♪ Loves company ♪♪ We could start a company ♪♪ And make misery ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Well, I know just what you need ♪♪ I might just have the thing ♪♪ I know what you'd pay ♪♪ To see ♪♪ Put me out of my misery ♪♪ I'd do it for you ♪♪ Would you do it for me?
♪♪ We will always be busy ♪♪ Making misery ♪♪ We could build a factory ♪♪ And make misery ♪♪ We'll create the cure ♪♪ We made the disease ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Well, I know just what you need ♪♪ I might just have the thing ♪♪ I know what you'd pay ♪♪ To feel ♪♪ Put me out of my misery ♪♪ All you su1c1de kings and you drama queens ♪♪ Forever after happily ♪♪ Making misery ♪♪♪♪ Did you satisfy your greed?
♪♪ Get what you need?
♪♪ Was it only envy?
♪♪ So empty ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Put me out of my misery ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ I'd do it for you, would you do it for me?
♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Ever after happily ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Making misery ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Put me out of my misery ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ I'd do it for you, would you do it for me?
♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated ♪♪ Put me out of my misery ♪♪ Frustrated, Incorporated.
♪♪ (song ends)
♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪ SEXY STUD: Oh, sh*t, got to finish!
Hey!
(dramatic music stinger)
Snooge to the nooge!
(choking): Oh, my God!
(grunts)
(whistling)