04x10 - You've Changed, Man

[bunniefuu]

Ugh.

All Janet voids are nothing, but Neutral Janet voids are, like, the most nothing.

Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth.

Why not?

The system's broken.

You guys proved it.

I just want to reboot the whole thing, and go back to my chambers.

I am on season three of "Justified," and can I just tell you, it is so good.

I, like, binged all of season two in a day.

Think of all the amazing human achievement you'd be eliminating.

The works of William Shakespeare.

The Pyramids.

- Timothy Olyphant.

- [GASPS]

Ooh, that one stings.

There's, like, 50 gallons of man in a 10-gallon hat.

I'm, like, oh!

Look, I'm the freaking Judge, and I made a freaking ruling, and it's gonna freaking happen, soon as I find the freaking clicker thing.

All right, what do I search for?

Humanity eraser button garage door opener thingy judge.

- [COMPUTER BUZZES]

- [GRUNTS]

[CHIMING]

Well, it wasn't in you.

Any last words?

These are my last words.

End of words.

Yes.

Really boring.

Bye!

All right, who's next?

Your dad's pimply butt, you fat dink.

That is so interesting because last time I checked, I didn't have a dad.

That's why I'm attracted to all the father figures on the TV shows I watch.

Mm-kmm?

We can't play keep-away forever.

Keep trying.

Get her to see the light.

I already showed her the light.

She wasn't impressed.

To be fair, she was there when it was invented.

- Hey, bud?

- Hi.

I know you're trying to think of ways to save every soul who's ever lived and whatnot, but, um, we may only have a half hour left to exist, so I just wanted to check in with you vis-Ã -vis us.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Cool.

I love you.

Whoa.

Really?

Yeah.

I love you.

So, uh, do you love me?

- Yeah, I do.

- Well, then, cool!

You and I are on our way to Coolsville.

You seem oddly sure, which is unlike you, but it's kind of doing it for me.

Should we get out of here?

No, but I like the confidence.

Well, when you have a thousand different versions of yourself over multiple timelines fused and instantly placed into your consciousness, it gives you a real sense of clarity.

You saw the time Kn*fe, huh?

Yep.

Saw the time Kn*fe.

It was neat.

Okay, let's save humanity, shall we?

Can one of you Janets get me a chalkboard and a copy of Judith Shklar's "Ordinary Vices?" Oh, and maybe some warm pretzels.

If we going out, I'm going out with a belly full of warm pretzels.

Yummy, yum, yum.

Yummy!

[SERENE MUSIC]

Okay, before we try to completely redesign the entire afterlife, has anyone just thought of a good reason the Judge shouldn't cancel Earth?

Because it would be a bummer.

Yeah, we might need more than that.

Are you at least gonna write it down?

[MUTTERS]

Did you actually write it down, or did you just do a scribble-scrabble?

Okay, we need to think bigger.

We need to come up with an entirely new afterlife system that both the Good and Bad Places agree on, which seems impossible.

Nonsense.

Compromise is always possible.

I was once in Portofino with Bruno Mars, LeBron James, and Dr.

Ruth Westheimer We don't have time for this right now, babe.

Fine.

Long story short, LeBron performed a successful tracheotomy, the son won multiple Grammys, and everyone was really happy.

Well, now I want to hear the story.

No, you're right.

Let's focus.

So, in this essay, "Putting Cruelty First," Judith Shklar contends that we should consider cruelty as society's primary flaw.

I'm sorry, are you wearing roller skates?

Yeah.

I got them from Disco Janet.

Thanks, Disco Janet.

- Solid.

- Anyway, here's her point.

Imagine someone sells a joint and then gets locked away in a dangerous prison for years.

The crime isn't cruel, but the punishment is.

- That's a problem.

- Tell me about it.

I once went to jail for a week just because I stole a hot dog.

Well, a hot-dog-shaped car.

I stole the Wienermobile.

This is the problem with the current system.

Live anything less than the most exemplary life, and you are brutally tortured forever with no recourse.

The cruelty of the punishment does not match the cruelty of the life that one has lived.

Now, watch this spin.

So we need to come up with a system that will result in the least amount of cruelty and suffering to those who don't deserve it.

This is a problem of justice.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Hearing you talk about philosophical concepts of justice is sexy.

- You want to get out of here?

- Yes.

No.

Keep going.

Ugh.

Bad Janet voids are the worst.

Music off!

- [VOLUME INCREASES]

- Oh, right, I forgot.

- Make it louder!

- [MUSIC STOPS]

What if you start humanity over from scratch, and humans evolve over millions of years and they end up worse?

What if they invent rap-rock sooner, and it becomes the only kind of music?

Do you really want to oversee an entire world of Limp Bizkits run by Emperor Kid Rock?

Not my problem.

All right, here we go.

Software update?

No, cancel.

Why is it doing it now?

[GRUNTS]

This computer sucks.

- [VOICE HURLS]

- Okay, mama.

See you in the next life.

Before you marbleize me, can I just make one final statement to summarize how I really feel?

I think I know where this is going.

[LOUD FARTING]

Okay, Disco Janet, you're up.

Out of sight.

What are you guys still doing here?

Just go back to Mindy's and have a lukewarm beer, and wait for me to end you there.

Except for you, cookie-puss.

I'll always make room for you.

Wait a second.

That's it.

I agree.

Chidi should hook up with the Judge to get us out of trouble.

I'd done that a bunch of times.

It's called a Jacksonville plea bargain.

No, Mindy's house.

Eleanor always thought there should be a Medium Place for people who led medium lives.

That's the answer.

We make the Medium Place a third option.

Of course.

Maybe if you score negative points on Earth sorry, you blew it.

Enjoy having your penis flattened.

Over a million or whatever, party time.

And everyone else in between gets their own personal Cincinnati.

It's definitely less cruel than the current system, but it's not great.

Well, it might be the best we can do given the circumstances.

Let's try to sell it to the brass.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Hello, all.

Thought as the universe is ending, you'd be less cheery.

Hard not to be cheery when you're eating this delicious frozen yogurt.

I got a small amount of each flavor.

It's the only way to ensure a mouthful of compromise.

- You are so right.

- Well said.

Shut up!

Shut up.

Hi.

Shut up.

- I'm confident now.

- Oh, sorry.

We're just short on time.

Look, we have a new idea about how humans could be placed in the afterlife We love it.

We're in.

You don't even want to hear it?

Nope.

If you guys came up with it, it must be good.

- Oh, yeah.

- Guys, they said yes.

Let's take the win.

Now all we have to do is convince Shawn.

I'll take the lead.

If I can convince Dr.

Ruth not to sue Bruno Mars over songwriting credit on "Uptown Funk," I can handle this.

Okay, you gotta tell me that story on the way.

So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking.

The Bad Place still has plenty of people to t*rture.

I have to admit this does make sense.

And I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same.

What the hell.

I'm in.

- Really?

- No.

[LAUGHS]

You actually believed me?

Dude, in 20 minutes, all of humanity is going to be erased forever.

And?

The Bad Place will get emptied out, too.

You will have no one to t*rture for billions of years.

Everyone loses.

Oh, I know.

But here's the thing.

I don't care if everyone loses as long as you lose.

- Shawn, listen to reason.

- Why should I?

None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your Neighborhood and your new ideas.

New ideas are gross.

They sicken me.

Shawn, you used to be cool, but you've changed, man.

I'm gonna go write an evil speech for when this is all over.

It is gonna be so long.

[DISCO MUSIC]

BOTH: You can ring my bell Ring my bell Whoa!

You can ring my bell Wait a second.

What was I doing?

I'll tell you what you were doing.

You were tearing up the dance floor.

No, I was looking for the stupid clicker thingy.

God, those infectious disco grooves.

So wait, wait, wait, wait.

We have this amazing new idea, and Shawn is almost on board.

Maybe if you talk to him, you could nudge him towards an agreement.

I don't take sides.

I am the Judge.

My only concerns are fairness and impartiality.

Gonna erase the Earth Erase the Earth That song is really my yam.

Humanity eraser thingy.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Welp.

Later, skater.

Keep on truckin'.

Next!

Even for a demon, Shawn is being a real knob.

Guys, I know what we have to offer him to get him to change his mind.

- What?

- Something he wants.

Once we figure that out, we're golden.

It's pointless.

He's so focused on b*ating us that he's willing to burn everything down.

There's nothing we can offer him.

Actually, there is something he wants.

Cruelty.

So let's give it to him.

Oh, hey, guys.

Just smashing some stuff.

- What's up?

- Listen, demon, we know how much you want us to lose, so we volunteer to lose permanently if you agree to let the Judge establish a real Medium Place.

You can t*rture the four of us forever.

- Really?

- Yeah.

This is a classic trolley problem.

One of your boys sets off a stink b*mb on the trolley, causing a commotion so the rest of the group can pickpocket people as they run off the train.

That's very wrong, but in a roundabout way, you kind of got where you needed to be.

I'll even give you a head start on my t*rture.

I cannot pull off the "mod" look.

You can take me, too.

I couldn't live with myself knowing you four were down there without me.

Wow.

This is a toughy.

On one hand, I would love to get some spiders in those buttholes.

On the other hand, there would be billions of buttholes going completely un-spidered.

How about this?

Everyone who dies go to the Bad Place and I get to t*rture all of you.

Sounds good to us.

No, dummies.

That's already how it works, except we're also tortured.

Look, I put forward a proposal.

Are you not even going to negotiate?

He's got a point.

The fair thing for us to do is just keep on giving up more and more stuff we want unilaterally until this demon's finally happy.

Fork this.

If we're gonna lose, let's lose on our own terms.

Let's come up with a completely new idea that actually makes the universe better.

Amen.

At least then, we can hold our heads high.

Okay, we need to come up with our ideal plan in about 10 minutes.

Guys, it's all come to this.

Everything we've been through multiple lives you led on Earth, all the lives you led here, all the ethics training and lessons and journeys to the farthest corners of the afterlife all happened so that we could be here together as the very best versions of ourselves, to solve the ultimate problem in the nick of time.

Cool speech.

Now it's nine minutes.

Chidi, can you do this?

Actually, what you just said, the very best versions of ourselves, gave me an idea.

Huh.

Turns out it was a cool speech.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Not in you, either.

I just have one thing left to say.

- [BABBLES]

- No.

Not falling for that again.

[FARTING NOISE]

Man, she is committed.

That just leaves you.

Your Honor, we have an idea we'd like to present Not interested, stretch.

How can we convince her of our plan if she won't even listen?

Well, if she's not gonna stay out here, you gotta go in there.

But that didn't really work great last time.

Yeah, it wasn't an amazing, but she's gonna marbleize me in, like, two minutes, so we might as well try.

Are we all gonna be - you again?

- I don't think so.

Going through that once changed me and all of you.

But if the Judge wasn't gonna listen to us out here, what makes you think she'll listen to us in there?

I know one thing that might keep her attention.

Idiots.

Aw, nuts.

How did I fall for that?

- Please, have a seat, Your Honor.

- I already told you.

I'm not interested.

Give me one reason why I should hear you out?

Okay.

Here he is.

Ma'am.

You made me an Olyphant?

I think you should hear them out, Judge.

Only seems fair.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Well played, Janet.

I don't mind taking in the view when the scenery is so pretty.

Oh, I should call Shawn for this.

Aw, man.

I had just gotten all the puppies to climb into the cannon.

All right.

Floor is yours.

So the problem with the afterlife is not only that it's cruel, but that it's final.

You get one sh*t on Earth, and regardless of the context of your life, you're placed somewhere, usually the Bad Place, forever with no chance for redemption.

My Neighborhood was built to t*rture humans, but it made them better.

We want to create a system that works that way intentionally, a system designed to give people a fighting chance.

Huh.

Interesting.

Why don't you walk us through it?

Yeah, we're gonna, man.

Just chill.

Your time on Earth won't be a test that you either pass or fail, but instead a class you take, and the test will come in the afterlife.

The first part stays the same.

You live your life, screw up a bunch of stuff.

Like, a lot of stuff.

Like, to the point where people are, like this is mess up, even for Florida.

But you can't hear them because you fell into the swamp trying to spray paint a Taco Bell logo on a snapping turtle.

We rest our case, Your Honor.

- No, no.

- No, no, no, no, no, we don't.

We barely started.

So when you die, you still have a points total, but in the new system, that number will serve as a sort of baseline to determine how hard or how easy your test is.

Sorry.

I'm just trying to play catch-up here.

Who's designing these tests, exactly?

A Good Place architect and a Bad Place architect will work together to design a scenario to make you confront your moral shortcomings, like Eleanor's selfishness, Jason's impulsivity, Chidi's indecisiveness, and my complete inability to carry off a mod look.

- That's not - I know I have other faults, but that is a big one.

The test could be anything.

Maybe you show up and you're told you're in the Good Place, but you know that it's a mistake.

Maybe the test looks just like your regular life, or a twisted version of your life.

You're presented with these challenges.

Do well or badly, at the end, you're given a sort of evaluation.

Yeah, and the architects explain what you did badly, what you did well, and then you get rebooted and do it again and again and again until you ace it.

Oh, hang on.

It seems to me if y'all get rebooted, your memories will be wiped out.

How you ever gonna learn anything if you're always having to start from scratch?

- Mm-hmm.

- Good point, Timothy Olyphant.

- Tim's fine.

- Okay, great.

In the new system, you will retain a vague memory of what you learned in the evaluation sessions.

That information, what you did well or badly, stays with you like like a little voice in your head, helping you become a better version of yourself.

Okay, that helps.

Thank you.

So our guess is that with enough chances, people will eventually make enough good choices to qualify for the Good Place, and maybe some never will, but that's okay because everyone gets a fair sh*t.

Hold the phone.

What are my demons doing this whole time?

I have millions of lava monsters down there who will be out of a job.

I ask you, into whose throats are they supposed to pour lava?

Well, bad news is no more throat lava or penis flattenings.

Then what are we doing to their penises?

Well, largely, ignoring them.

You guys are hearing this.

I'm not crazy, right?

No, I mean, it's a fair question.

Whose side are you on, man?

I don't have a dog in this fight, little lady.

I'm just looking for clarity.

Shawn, you'll all still have jobs.

Bad place architects help design the test.

Rank and file demons, they'll play-role just like they did in my original Neighborhood.

And remember how much fun you had playing the Judge?

I don't know, guys.

You think this will work?

It sort of already has.

Chidi just had 800 versions of himself stuffed into his soul at the same time.

I mean, he's a new man.

He's way cooler now.

I like the old version, too, but not as much.

It's not just Chidi, Your Honor.

When I started in Michael's first Neighborhood, I was nothing more than a PalmPilot in a cool vest.

But look at me now.

I can hold four humans in my void, and conjure Timothy Olyphant in the blink of an eye.

Getting rebooted over and over made me a better not-a-person than I've ever been.

Humans should get the same opportunity.

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

Well?

Mm pass.

Well, guys, I really thought you had it.

It has been a genuine pleasure, sweetie.

Oh.

Gonna erase the Earth Erase the Earth I hid the clicker as far away as possible, but we are seconds away.

I'm so sorry, guys.

Where did Shawn go?

Oh, don't bother.

He's just toying with us.

I know.

That's what gives me hope.

[LAUGHS]

Had to do it one last time before all this goes away for good.

So what are you offering me now?

Nothing.

It's over.

That was our last idea.

Good.

Soon, all your precious humans will be gone.

Yeah.

It's too bad.

Well, congrats, bud.

You won.

See you in a billion years.

When the humans evolve again, I'll be right back at your throat, you traitor.

I mean, yeah, I know.

That's why I said, "See you in a billion years.

" Wait.

I'm gonna do the evil speech now.

If you want.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Since the dawn of time, good and evil have waged a furious battle, stemming from this feels stupid if you're not gonna fight back.

How do you not have another plan?

You've always had another plan.

What's wrong, Shawn?

Okay, fine.

Gonna make me admit it.

Fighting you is the most fun I've ever had.

I mean, you know.

You corkscrew your first eyeball, and you're like, man, I can't believe they're paying me to do this.

By the trillionth, it's like I should've just been a teacher.

And then you go and get the warm fuzzies about your little humans, and something something changed.

I was having fun again.

I'm not sure I'm ready for that to end.

I know, buddy.

It's hard when things end.

But one way or the other, this is over.

The only question is what's next?

I heard your speech at Demon-Con.

You know this system stinks.

You wouldn't have let me try the original experiment if things were working.

Let's try a new way together.

[BITTERSWEET MUSIC]

Okay, finally.

For the last time, I, the Judge of the afterlife - Hang on, Your Honor.

- [GROANS]

Are you kidding me?

Can't a gal just end all of humanity one time without everyone getting all up on her junk?

What is it, man?

Shawn has agreed to our proposal.

Wait, seriously?

In principle, yes.

Still some kinks to work in - Out.

- Out.

Sorry.

Old habits.

But I think we can find a way to make it work.

- Guys, watch this.

- [ALL SCREAMING]

Sorry.

Jeez.

Okay, well, assuming we are redesigning the entire afterlife according to this plan what do we do first?

Oh, don't look at me.

I'm I'm just the idea guy.