08x03 - Yours, Wine, and Ours

[bunniefuu]

Well, it's to you, Mike.

Oh, you can bid a double, but if it's followed by three passes, it's a penalty double.

Right?

This is very complicated.

Can't we play something less complicated than bridge?

Like, why don't we build a bridge?

- Huh?

- Yeah.

Oh, I got it.

Who's got any threes?

Oh, I do, I got a three.

This ain't Go Fish, Mike.

This is a nightmare.

I have a straight, a flush, and blackjack.

Hey, you know, Mike's right.

This really is a complicated game.

It's dignified.

You know, in the workshop Eddie and I took, they taught us you never play for money or to show how smart you are or how stupid your opponents are.

That's the only reason I play anything.

Oh, come on, this is fun.

Bridge is about partnership.

And I have the best partner in the world.

(GASPS)

Oh, ooh.

Ah.

Yeah.

Who knew bridge was so romantic?

(CHUCKLES)

You know what's romantic?

Solitaire.

Oh Mike, Mike, you would enjoy bridge more if you took the workshop.

Oh, oh, and if you say that we recommended you, we get a free pinochle lesson.

You know, Mom, I think it's great that you and Ed are taking up all these new hobbies.

You're so active.

It's, it's like that fun montage in Cocoon.

Wow.

Are you saying these two people are old?

Hear that?!

She's calling you two old!

Old and maybe too tired to finish this stupid game!

Ooh, my super wifey sense is tingling.

(CHUCKLES)

It's telling me Mike is ready to call it a night.

Yeah, because Mike Baxter is so hard to read.

You know, it's great being around people who get me.

I feel seen.

(DOOR CLOSES)

All right, did you lose something, like your mind?

I was just looking.

Is Ed here?

I mean, he could be here and we don't know it.

They love playing games.

Maybe they're playing hide-and-seek.

Relax.

They're out taking a cooking class.

Ed's exact words were, "For once we're going to sizzle outside the bedroom".

(MIKE GAGGING)

Oh, come on, I think they're adorable.

Yeah, adorable, but they're spending way too much time with us.

I want to spend more time with my favorite person.

Yourself.

Once again, I feel seen.

Yeah, you're kind of hard to miss.

Look, honey, you're right, you're right.

We have been doing a lot of stuff with them lately, and you have been really great about it.

I don't know if great's the right word.

Generous.

Heroic.

The next time they ask us to do something, I'm just going to say no.

Since you need your "me time", let me be your hero.

You look great in tights.

(BONNIE LAUGHING)

(ED AND BONNIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hi.

How was cooking class?

Oh, it was delightful.

We made polenta Parmesan puffs.

Just tell 'em what you said.

- Tell 'em go ahead, go ahead.

- Oh, oh, oh.

- So, Eddie was trying to steal my Parmesan.

- Yep.

So I said She said, "That's nacho cheese".

Ah, that's nacho best pun.

Oh, good.

Oh, oh, oh, before I forget, there's another cooking class tomorrow night, - and I have a coupon - No, Mom?

No, no, you know what, I think, uh, we're gonna take a break from the double dates for a while.

Actually, guys, this coupon is just for the two of you.

Eddie and I enjoyed the cooking class so much, we just thought you might, too.

Got to take a hard pass on that.

I've got, uh, some stuff I've got to do in the garage tomorrow night.

Yeah, y-yeah, you know, since Mike enjoys his "me time", just like Dad used to, um, maybe-maybe I'll take the class.

- Oh.

By yourself?

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, sure, we do lots of stuff separately.

Well, have fun, honey.

I'm gonna be, um tying flies.

Fly fishing season's right around the corner.

Yeah.

Not for ten weeks.

Well, a bridge game away.

- Hey.

- Hey, what's up?

Uh, I thought Ryan was here.

He's supposed to install this garbage disposal for you guys.

Oh, thank God.

It's a nightmare not having one.

We almost bought a goat.

(GASPS)

There's my honey.

Hello, beautiful.

Sorry if that sounded mean.

I'm just kind of upset.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Haven't you heard?

Bill Lamp d*ed.

Bill Lamp?

Oh, no.

But he was the number one Pontiac dealer in Central Alabama.

Bill Lamp is the creator of Toxic Titans, the greatest graphic novel series ever written.

I'm not sure I'm familiar with Asteroid Girl, Fire Falcon, Doctor Calamity?

How can you not know Bill Lamp?

Because we don't drive a Pontiac.

How old was he?

Ninety-six.

And he would have been 97 next month.

You know, I can't install a garbage disposal right now.

Of course, honey.

You need time to get over the shock of a 97-year-old man dying.

Uh, we should go.

We're getting together with some other fans of Bill Lamp.

Yeah, we're meeting over at Ronnie's house.

His mom's out of town, so we get to use the rec room.

Is there gonna be a parent there to watch you kids?

As Fire Falcon would say, "Ick-lack-fabba-doo-wonk.

Ca-caw!" That's falcon for, "Sleep tight, my captain.

The lamp has gone out".

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, boy, you and Ed taking up yodeling now?

On our list.

If you're looking for Vanessa, she's not back from that cooking class yet.

No, I was just lonely in there.

It's just so different now-a-days, staying here without all the kids running around.

You know, I even like staying here now.

(LAUGHS)

You know, it reminds me of of when my girls left home, and it was just me and, and Vanessa's father.

I was surprised at how difficult that was for us.

You seemed all right every time I was there, but I probably wasn't paying attention.

I-It's not like we were fighting or-or anything, it just We just sort of drifted apart.

Well, how did you guys fix that?

We didn't.

He d*ed.

Well, lucky break.

Oh Michael.

Michael.

I would just hate to see the same thing happen to you and Vanessa.

Bonnie Bonnie.

We're okay.

It's just that you like doing different things, which was fine when the girls were still home.

They bound you together.

But now that's changed, and-and if you're not careful, you could find yourselves on, uh, different tracks.

VANESSA: Oh, h-h-h-hey.

Buona sera.

- Oh.

- Hi.

What, are you making Japanese food?

Authentic veal scaloppini.

And you know what, it turns out they have classes in all kinds of stuff.

In fact, I'm gonna take a wine-tasting class - tomorrow night.

- Ooh.

I don't know, honey, you know, they make you spit it out.

You hear that, Mike?

Vanessa's taking more classes, so (CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

Yeah.

Uh, you know what, let's, uh, let's leave Mike alone.

Um, come on with me, I will heat up - some of the scaloppini for you.

- Ooh, I would love a taste.

You know, doesn't he remind you of Dad down in the basement tinkering with his clocks?

Yes he does.

This is good stuff, man.

Shoplifting is way, way down, man.

And, uh, good job.

Dear Diary, today Baxter paid me a compliment.

Dear Journal, Chuck has a diary.

Hey, Ed asked me and Carol to play bridge with him and Bonnie.

Well, I'll see you in about a week.

Make sure that's the only game they're playing.

Lately Bonnie wants to play marriage counselor.

Well, that doesn't sound very fun.

It's not very fun.

She gave me the whole spiel about how Vanessa and I may drift apart now that the girls are gone.

- Right?

- Oh, well, you know, when Brandon went off to college (CHUCKLES)

it was a big adjustment for Carol and me.

Is that when you started the diary?

No, we, we realized after a while that we were drifting apart.

So we decided to take an interest in each other's hobbies.

That's how I started gardening with Carol.

That's a terrible hobby.

You do all that work, you end up with what?

A bunch of vegetables.

No, no, see, when I do it with Carol, I actually like gardening.

What hobby of yours did she pick up?

Zumba.

(DEEP VOICE): Shut up.

So maybe all this me time isn't, uh, good for us.

Well, all I'm saying is, I didn't want to take any chances with my marriage.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I appreciate the man-to-man, but you got to run, do your gardening, and get your diary, go on to your Zumba classes Oh, okay, how about this?

What if the scene where Lord Evilian lowers Fire Falcon into the Hemick-ulite happens After Asteroid Girl escapes from the Stink Lava.

Well, yeah, I love it.

Man, we're really good at this.

It's like Bill Lamp is with us.

Maybe he is, Kyle, maybe he is.

(GASPS)

Yay, the manager's here.

I can't wait to grind garbage.

Oh, right.

W-We didn't do that.

Uh, babe, you've been here all day.

What have you been doing?

Something way more important.

We decided to finish the Train of Doom series ourselves.

Yeah.

We don't have legal rights or even permission, but we'll work that out later.

What do you guys think?

Yeah, the-the pictures aren't great, but the story is tight.

I'm glad that you're so passionate about this, Ryan, but you're the manager and you said that you would What is wrong with that guy's nose?

It's a beak.

He's Fire Falcon, half-man, half-bird.

Ca-caw!

Uh, why is he throwing up?

(SCOFFS)

It's fire.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Okay, it's a little childish.

We get you love your comics BOTH: Graphic novels.

Whatever.

Uh, but you know what would make you actual superheroes?

Installing the garbage disposal.

Ca-caw.

Hey, babe.

Mike.

Uh Look, wine tasting.

You know what's kind of funny?

- This is right next to an AA meeting.

- Yeah.

Uh, but what-what are you doing here?

(STAMMERS)

Was everything okay?

- Did somebody die?

- No, no, no, no.

Well, according to Kyle, the guy that invented the lamp.

Okay.

I'm here into this because I'm into you.

All right, well, well, that's sweet.

(CHUCKLES)

Look, you mess this class up for me, and I will k*ll you.

Oh.

Isn't that nice?

I do something nice for you, and you kick me right in the pinot grigios.

Hold the glass by the stem and give it a good swirl, so that you can fully observe the wine's personality.

Look at that, our wine has a personality.

Unfortunately, our teacher does not.

No, I think he's just trying to get us to appreciate the wine before we sip it.

It's like, uh, the foreplay for drinking.

Drinking is foreplay.

Watch how the wine slides down the glass.

See the lines?

- Those are the legs of the wine.

- Ah.

The legs, that's where it gets its kick.

- Honey.

- (LAUGHS)

Come on, come on.

Mike, I'm trying to enjoy this.

- I know, this is all about you enjoying it.

- Yeah.

- I'm not here to ruin it, I got it.

- Thank you.

Now, before we take in the nose of our wine, we must wake up our tongues.

Eh!

You'll see at your stations there are three items: peat moss, cowhide, and limestone.

No dip.

These are key reference smells so that we can identify the tasting notes.

Let's begin with the limestone.

I want you to smell it and then give it a good lick.

100 bucks for a class licking a rock, it's not even Dwayne Johnson.

(SIGHS)

All right, you know what, honey?

You can either fundamentally change yourself (CHUCKLES)

or leave.

Listen, okay.

Uh, I'll see you at home.

Oh, no.

Uh, are you leaving us, sir?

Yes.

I think I'm gonna drink the way God intended, alone in my house in my underwear.

Do you know that gentleman?

Oh, no, no.

I-I think he was looking for the AA meeting.

Hey, I was thinking, what if Fire Falcon had a brother?

Kyle, quit it.

No more Train of Doom talk.

It's childish, remember?

Oh, his brother could be his evil twin.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, yeah, looking real good down here, Kyle.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she's looking real good up here, Ryan.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Sorry.

Didn't hear you come in.

We were busy with our "responsibilities".

We weren't having any fun, if that's what you're worried about.

Yeah, uh, listen, we felt like maybe we were a little bit harsh earlier.

We know that comic books BOTH: Graphic novels.

(CLEARS THROAT)

mean a lot to you.

Yeah, so?

So, to apologize, we did a little something.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What you guys came up with was great, so I just sort of polished the artwork a bit.

The first one is Fire Falcon being trapped in this stuff.

It's, uh, Hemick-ulite.

It erases his memory.

Yeah, yeah, and, um, this is Asteroid Girl escaping the Stink Lava.

The grappling hook was my idea.

And, get this, we added two new characters to help Fire Falcon save the Train of Doom.

KRISTIN: It's you and Kyle.

Uh, Kyle, can I, uh, speak to you in the other room for a second?

Excuse us.

RYAN AND KYLE (LAUGHING): Oh, my God!

RYAN: Oh, this is so fantastic!

Her Fire Falcon is even better than Bill Lamp's, and the grappling hook is a really good idea.

KYLE: Wow!

Look how muscular my arms are!

I haven't worked out in a month.

- (RYAN SHUSHING)

- (KYLE CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, we discussed it, and we have decided to accept your apology.

And would you mind if we took these over to Ronnie's to show the other guys?

Of course not.

Have fun.

(CHUCKLES)

We're glad you guys like it because we love that you are the way you are.

We love you guys.

Oh, hey, uh, don't use the garbage disposal.

Uh, actually, don't turn on the water.

- You know what?

Just stay out of the kitchen.

- Yeah.

- Oh, hi.

- Oh, buona sera.

- Good, good, good.

You're both here.

- Uh-huh.

Well, what-what-what is it, darling?

I mean, is something, is something wrong?

- Mom, the other night - Yeah?

when I came into the garage and you were having your little chat with my husband, were you maybe giving him marriage advice?

Absolutely not.

Right.

I I may have said a little something, and-and if-if he took it the wrong way, now, pfft, I can't help that.

Wait, wh-what is that pain?

Is that a Kn*fe in my back I can feel?

Mom, Mom, you are gonna be around a lot, so I'm only gonna say this once: my marriage is my business, so keep your perfect Connecticut nose out of it.

Look, I understand, dear.

- I overstepped my bounds - Yeah.

and I'm sorry.

Do you think we have a strong marriage?

Of course.

It's wonderful.

It's really Yeah, it's good.

Let we should kiss.

What, why would you listen to her?

She said, "Hey, Michael" twice, - and she's looking right at me.

- Stop, come on, come on.

Some of what she said hit a note with me, you know?

Things have changed around here, and-and I haven't changed.

What-what-what do you mean?

Listen, when-when the when the girls were here, I had to fight for "me time".

Now that they're gone, why am I still fighting for "me time"?

Honey, look, it-it-it's fine with me if you enjoy doing things by yourself.

(SIGHS)

Look, I don't need to be tying flies.

I get these for free.

I own a whole bunch of fishing stores.

- I'm up to my gills in fishing equipment.

- All right.

All right, all right, look, maybe you don't need to be tying flies, but-but every now and again, you need to be alone, just like I do.

And just like I do.

- So you're a horrible person.

- (CHUCKLES): Yeah.

Yeah, you want to know how horrible?

Yeah?

You know how you have that T-shirt that says - "I'd Rather Be Fishing"?

- Right.

Well, I want a T-shirt that says "I Am Glad He's Fishing".

So you want me time just like I do.

Me time.

Exactly.

Honey, honey we're still good, you and I.

Okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

- There's no trouble here.

So we don't have to worry about this?

No, not worry, but, um, yeah, I know, I guess we should be aware that when the kids leave, it's-it's a big change.

BONNIE: That's all I was trying to say!

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, talking about matrimony.

Some marriages are so tight, you really get why it's called (CLICKS TONGUE)

"wedlock".

However, at the other extreme, about two percent of couples are in marriages that are called "open".

Ew, about 50% of couples are in an open marriage where one of them doesn't know it's open.

Yup, each marriage is different.

Though in the case of Henry VIII, they all tended to end the same, with the sound of a head dropping into a little basket.

King Henry actually used master swordsmen because the French hadn't invented the guillotine yet.

God, even in 1789, automation was a job k*ller.

Now, some couples thrive when they do everything together.

I knew one fella who insisted on going to his bride's bachelorette party.

How'd that marriage turn out?

Don't know.

I couldn't stay friends with him after that.

Now, personally, I think it's healthy for married couples to enjoy separate interests.

There's nothing wrong with that, unless one of those interests is making a movie with Angelina Jolie.

My wife and I have been happily married for 30 years.

People ask me how I do it.

It's really very simple.

I would die for her.

Once you're willing to do that, the rest is easy.

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)