08x04 - You've Got Male (or Female)

[bunniefuu]

MIKE: You should consider yourself lucky.

A couple short months, - you're gonna be a brother.

- Why is that lucky?

Why is that lucky?

Well, whoever it is, you're can have fun with.

You can spend a whole weekend saying, "Hey, why are you hitting yourself?

- Stop hitting yourself".

- Quit it!

- Dad.

- Quit it!

- No, stop - Quit it!

- Ow!

- Dad?

- KRISTIN: Hi.

- Stop it!

Stop hitting yourself!

I don't know what's wrong with you.

Mandy used to hit herself, too.

I'm gonna go set up the hockey goal.

And then I'll teach you about noogies.

I'm good at this.

Yeah, my brother, eight years old, had a bald spot from all the rubbing.

- BOYD: Hi, Grandma.

- Hi, sweetie.

Well, guys, how was the baby shower?

Amazing.

But it wasn't a shower.

- It was a sprinkle.

- Oh.

Which is a smaller get-together you do before the shower.

Everybody's doing them.

"Before shower".

So, uh, BS.

Look, we took so many pictures.

- Look at all the pictures!

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Kristin looks so cute.

Want to see?

- Oh, my God.

And then Yeah, show him.

Look, here, she's wearing this little hat - (CHATTERING)

- You know what, you know what?

How about I just look at her, she's right here.

Look at that.

You know what?

Fine.

I'll just I'll put them online, and you can look at them later.

You know, when you used to have to pay for film, every photo wasn't an event, right?

My birth photo and my graduation from college same roll of film.

Yeah, you know what?

That's the big crisis facing the planet.

Too much joy-sharing.

Uh, uh-oh, looks like Boyd is tangled in the hockey net.

- Oh.

You gonna get get him?

- No.

Ha-ha, but I am gonna get a picture.

You know what?

I am having the best time with Kristin.

- Yeah?

- And you want to hear the most exciting part?

- Mm-hmm?

- She wants a gender reveal party.

Yay, more parties.

You know, I would throw the best party ever.

Now, that video would go viral.

"Go viral".

Remember when that used to mean a high fever, severe itching, and body sores?

I miss those days.

- Hey, Dad.

- Hey.

- Got a sec?

- Yeah.

For you, 30 seconds.

But for my grandchild, all the time in the world.

(CHUCKLES)

Good.

Uh, I wanted to talk to you about the gender reveal party.

Put me down for plus-none.

Right.

Um, so the person in charge of the gender reveal has a lot of responsibility.

Sure.

Let's see, do we buy pink confetti or blue confetti?

It's just like Eisenhower during D-Day.

Yeah.

And much like D-Day, the hardest part is keeping the secret until the very last minute.

Until then, only that person and the doctor knows what is in here.

You're worried about your mom cracking and spilling the beans.

Ah, you hit the nail on that curly blonde head.

Which is why, uh, Ryan and I would like to have you do it.

(CHUCKLES)

You want me to plan a party?

Yeah No, I know you think that they're ridiculous - and you don't want to be there - I'll do it, I'll do it.

Wh I'm-I'm sorry?

I thought you hated parties.

I hate parties.

But I love tormenting your mother.

(CHUCKLING)

And me knowing something that she really wants to know is gonna drive her crazy.

Yeah, um, Dad, that's-that's not really why we're asking you.

I know, that's just a perk.

Um Wait, have you told her yet?

- No.

- Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Let me do it.

I'm gonna savor every minute of this.

This is great.

Don't look at me like that.

She would do the same thing to me.

That's why we make such a great couple.

You have an odd marriage.

Every relationship's about power, and you just gave me the nuclear codes.

Oh, just the man I'm looking for.

Chuck, do you happen to be free this weekend?

I'm free!

Count me in.

You shouldn't agree to do something before you know what it is.

That's easy for you to say, Chuck.

You're not lonely.

Well, as you know, you know, Bonnie's moving in with me after we're married, and I'm remodeling a room - just for her.

- Oh, which room?

The discotheque.

I barely go in there, so, you know So you need somebody to, uh To paint the place, hang some shelves, and find a buyer for a giant mirrored ball.

- Let me think about it.

- ED: You already said that you're free and lonely, all right?

Hard to walk that back.

All right, I'm in.

I'll do it for the disco ball.

Perfect last touch for my man cave.

Sold, sold, sold.

There you go.

Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't know we were asking for stuff.

I'd like a thousand dollars.

Huh.

How about I order you a pizza?

Done.

Hey, Jen.

Is Vanessa around?

I think she's upstairs.

Okay.

Little warning you might want to put your guard up around her until Saturday.

Why?

Get this: Kristin asked me to put on the gender reveal party.

It's gonna make my beautiful, lovely wife go stark, raving mad.

She asked you?

But Vanessa was convinced she would be the one trusted to do this unpleasant task.

I know Your attitude is confusing.

Is it some cultural difference I don't understand, or are you just being a jerk?

Bingo.

All she wants to know is the gender of this kid before anybody else.

But now only you will know that secret.

I know.

So why do I need to keep my guard up?

She'll probably try to work you for information.

- And you want to be on the winning team.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, Jen.

Hi, honey.

- Hi, baby.

- Uh, what winning team?

The field hockey team at school.

They're a winning team.

I might try to join.

Maybe I'll be a middle fielder, although Mr.

Baxter thinks I'll be more effective as an attacker, like maybe right wing, and I'm going to take that into consideration, but I really need to finish my homework.

Uh how was your day?

- A little slower than that.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

I had a great day, actually.

Had a great lunch, hamburger, garlic fries; oh, and Kris asked me to plan the gender reveal party.

What?

She asked you to do it?

Yes, indeed.

What?

I thought she was gonna ask me.

Yeah.

Well, now, I'm the only one that's gonna know if we're gonna have a grandson or a granddaughter.

- Okay.

- Ha-ha.

Wait, wh whoa-whoa-whoa.

Is that how you're gonna play this?

Like you really don't want to know?

Honey.

No, of course I want to know, and I will know, at the party, when everybody else does.

But in the meantime, I'm just gonna enjoy the excitement building every day from now until then.

She didn't seem upset at all.

No, she didn't.

She came to play.

- Hi, Vanessa.

- Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm just helping Mike out a bit by setting up the drinks table.

Cool.

Cool.

So, did you find out whether it's a boy or a girl?

Uh, I don't know.

(CHUCKLING): Only Mike knows that.

It's k*lling me.

You know, we could probably come up with a plan to find out before everyone else does.

I doubt it.

Mike is pretty good at keeping a secret.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm pretty good at getting people to tell me secrets.

That's how I found out Kyle's PIN number.

Oh, come on.

Everybody knows Kyle's PIN number, it's one-two-three-four.

See, I didn't know that.

But now I do.

Well, I am sure you're very good, but it is very hard to trick Mike Baxter.

Seriously, what is your plan?

I don't have one.

I'm just gonna find out when everybody else does.

There is no plan.

There's got to be a plan.

There's got to be.

Listen, go back in there and find out what she's up to.

You go in there.

I'll stay here and guard the piñata.

This isn't a piñata.

This is the finest confetti cannon money can buy.

This is the same unit Elton John uses for all his concerts, his house parties, and every time he gets out of a car.

Have you considered the possibility that Vanessa doesn't have a plan, and she's just being honest?

Yeah.

Uh, that would be a nightmare.

Why?

Because if this isn't driving her crazy, all I'd be is a party planner.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Okay, that's a Oh, hey, look at that.

Great job, fellas.

Great job.

Terrific.

All right.

Now - Now for the fun part.

- Right, heading home with my Zumba ball.

I mean, disco ball.

No.

Just put everything in these boxes up on those shelves, that's all.

Oh, sounds easy.

What have you got there?

Okay.

Dolls.

Yeah?

Yeah, there are a couple of dozen or so, so let's just get them on these shelves and call it a weekend.

(PLAYFUL TEASING, CHUCKLES)

Let's see, now Hey, you guys finished ahead of schedule.

So I'll cancel the pizza.

- You okay, buddy?

- I don't like dolls.

I don't like their eyes, I don't like their heads, I don't like the fact that they think they're better than you.

(LAUGHS)

Relax, Joe.

They're just toys.

Yeah, until it's nighttime and you're asleep.

And you think they're asleep, too.

(CHUCKLING): You've seen far too many movies, man.

Oh, really, Chuck?

Or should I say, Chucky?

You can say whatever you want, but you are not dragging me into your private little freak-out.

You don't think this is creepy?

No, man.

I was in Desert Storm.

It's gonna take a lot more than that to scare me.

- DOLL: Mama.

- (SCREAMS)

I knew it.

One of them's still alive.

Maybe more.

Let's just let's just get out of here, okay?

- Open the door.

- I'm trying, but it's stuck.

Mama.

(BOTH SCREAM)

I don't know about you guys, but I have no idea how my dad's gonna do the big reveal.

Oh, if I know Mr.

B, it's gonna be big and loud.

I'm the father, and if Mike has any respect for me at all, he's not gonna do some big, macho expl*si*n.

He's gonna do a big, macho expl*si*n.

Hey, hon.

Uh, look, I don't want to horn in on your party, but, um, what do you think of this cradle, huh?

It's cute.

You know what's cute?

This little game you're playing.

(SIGHS)

Mike, what-what are you being crazy about now?

Ah, nothing.

I know you're dying - to know what this kid is.

- Yeah, well But I just can't figure out what your your angle is.

(LAUGHS)

I don't have an angle.

Look, I'm sorry, I guess I've just matured into someone who doesn't need to know everyone's secrets.

So, the cradle?

Too busy.

(SCOFFS)

Hey, great party, Mr. B.

Whatever.

Yeah, even with the food, you're keeping us guessing.

First hotdogs, then tacos.

Brilliant.

Just go ahead and say it.

I'm an amazing little party planner.

You're an amazing little party planner.

I got into this racket to annoy my wife, and now she's matured.

So you know what that makes me?

An amazing little party planner?

It makes me a man who fans out napkins.

Napkins.

Okay, I'm not entirely sure what's happening right now.

- So can I ?

- Go.

All right, everybody.

I'm gonna let the cat out of the bag.

Five minutes.

So that's how he's gonna do it.

I hate this stupid party.

You know you're talking to the party planner?

What do you mean, you hate this party?

I didn't get a party, but I guess I was just Mom's big mistake.

Listen up.

Might be more like six minutes.

Ooh.

I bet the cat got out.

Hey, Boyd.

Cut the TV off.

We got to talk.

I'm fine.

Listen, nobody who watches Don Lemon is fine.

Did you really mean what you said, about being your mom's big mistake?

It's true, isn't it?

You weren't the biggest mistake.

You were a monumental, colossal, gigantic mistake.

What?

Listen, when an unmarried high school girl gets pregnant, we don't throw parties.

Most times, the families move.

Did you come in here to make me feel better?

I came in here to tell you the truth.

It was a really rough time for everybody.

We didn't know what was gonna happen.

Okay.

- Thank you for telling me the truth.

- I'm not finished yet.

Then you happened.

March 14, 2:15 in the morning.

Your grandma was the birth coach, I was somewhere in the hospital looking for salty snacks.

But I heard you, and man, you were a loud kid.

- I was?

- Yeah.

I think you woke up the coma patients on the other side of the hospital.

Wait, you're calling me loud?

When I first heard you, suddenly, there was no mistake anymore.

It was just you.

And you made everything better.

So you were never ashamed of me?

No.

Well Come on, you dropped a pass in the end zone, could've won the game.

I wasn't that wasn't the best moment for me I was No.

No.

All right.

Now, how would you like to help me introduce the newest member of this family?

I am loud.

Come on.

Oh, and just so you know, that was a tough pass to catch.

- I mean, it hit me in a bad spot.

- Yeah.

Your hands.

Okay, this is the sixth message, Ed.

We're locked in your doll room.

- What are you doing?

- I've seen enough movies to know you don't turn your back on a haunted doll.

There's no such thing as a haunted doll.

There is no such thing.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SIGHS)

What's with you dumbbells?

We were locked in here, Ed.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I forgot, it's busted.

I was gonna get you to fix that later.

Oh, look at this.

Bonnie's gonna love her new collection.

New?

Well, aren't these hers?

No, no, no, no.

No, j-just one of them.

One of them is.

Uh, where'd the rest of them come from?

Oh, so this old lady d*ed and they were in her attic.

You'd be surprised how little I paid for them.

No, I wouldn't.

Bonnie's always loved her doll.

So, I thought, what's better than one doll, right?

Uh, zero dolls.

I mean, so, so this is the wedding gift?

Yes, yes.

I can't wait to see her face.

Oh, Ed, I'm-a do you a favor, man.

Um Okay, just for a second, - pretend you're Bonnie.

- Yep?

- What?

- Come on, just-just pretend you're Bonnie.

- Uh - Who-who should I be?

You should be quiet.

- Okay, come on, I'm Bonnie.

Now what?

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Um, okay, now - Yeah - All right.

- close your eyes.

- Oh, close your eyes.

- All right.

Now, imagine the man you are about to marry - says he has a surprise for you.

- Mm-hmm.

He says he created a room in his big house just for you.

- Mm-hmm.

- He leads you in here - Mm-hmm.

- you open your eyes, and Jumping Jeffrey Dahmer.

Oh (EXHALES)

Uh, yeah, it's-it's not too late, Ed.

We'll just, uh, grab the doll that belongs to Bonnie, we'll put the rest in boxes and we'll turn this into a sewing room.

I don't know which one is Bonnie's.

I - Um - Look, you guys figure it out, okay?

I am out of here.

Oops.

DOLL: Let's play a game.

(GRUNTS)

All right, gather, everybody, for the big reveal.

Let's do this.

Um, uh, where is Vanessa?

I haven't seen her.

I think maybe she's hurt.

Maybe she thought her husband should have a higher opinion of her than he apparently does.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Interesting theory.

- (LOUD BOOM)

- (VANESSA SHOUTS)

VANESSA: Damn you, Mike Baxter!

Yes!

- What was that?

- Oh, that expl*si*n was the sweet sound of me being right.

Whoa!

(MIKE LAUGHING)

(GASPS)

You know what?

You probably thought that if you looked in that cannon, you'd get the gender of the baby?

Maybe.

What you didn't know was that I rigged it to explode, - Right.

- 'cause knowing you'd do just that, because you are the childish, immature woman that I fell in love with.

Oh.

I'm the grandmother.

I should be the first to know.

- Oh, honey.

- I mean, who even are all these people?

Uh, well, we're the parents.

Uh, so Mom's green.

Does that mean that we're having a little baby lizard?

No, no, that was just a trap.

The glitter cannon was just a diversion.

A green herring, if you will.

(LAUGHS)

It's got everything you need with a joke: a color and a fish.

All right, all right.

Can we, can we just get on with this?

And everyone, stop staring.

I'm green, all right?

Get over it.

Yeah, yeah, let's get this thing going.

I want to find out if I'm gonna be an aunt or an uncle.

Listen, the gender reveal is a big honor.

And who better to have that honor than the baby's big brother?

Yeah?

- Thanks, Grandpa.

- It's right there.

It's snowing.

Oh!

Oh!

Pink snow!

Honey, it's a girl.

- It's a girl.

- We're having a girl.

Finally, a soprano to harmonize with.

Kyle, Kyle, I wouldn't eat any of that snow.

It was suspiciously cheap.

Honey Are you, are you excited about getting your first granddaughter?

Yes, I am, and also about being married to Swamp Thing.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I hope this baby doesn't inherit my need to know every secret.

- Well, I hope it does.

- Hmm - And everything else.

- Aw.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Mmm (KRISTIN LAUGHS)

Now this, I got to get a picture of.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

(CHUCKLES)

My kid is about to have another kid, which makes me think about the little one's adventures, and the ones I had when I was a kid.

Learning the hard way bedsheets make a lousy parachute.

12 feet off the garage didn't seem like that much, but in free fall?

Ouch.

Skinny-dipping in a river so cold my buddy Matt Clark got freezer burn on his nuts.

Or the time Archie Harris pushed me off my bike, broke my arm.

I asked him to sign my cast, then I clubbed him with it.

(LAUGHS)

The point is, we did stuff.

And sure, most of it was injuring each other, but we weren't just watching life or taking pictures of it.

Life was all the amazing things that happened between trips to the emergency room.

Now, thanks to the Gram, Snapchat and TikTok, I worry that the future generations, like my granddaughter's, won't even know how to look each other in the eye.

If you can't look each other in the eye, how the hell are you gonna hit someone in the throat with your slingshot?

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)