02x10 - This Is Why We Don't Entrust Plans to Muppet Babies

[bunniefuu]

Is this your friend?

What's their name?

Mr. Wrinkles.

Mr. Wrinkles?

Well, that's a good name.

I'm Ric.

- Alyssa.

- It's nice to meet you, Alyssa.

Now, do you think you and Mr.

Wrinkles would like to go on a trip?

But I live here.

I know.

I know.

But I run a school for very special kids just like you, and I think that you and Mr.

Wrinkles would really like it there.

Do you want to visit?

What do you say?

Yeah?

Okay.

Let's go.

(SIGHS)

- What do you want to do about this?

- (ENGINE STARTS)

You think anyone will buy a gas leak?

("ORIGINAL ME" BY YUNGBLUD AND DAN REYNOLDS BEGINS)

Yeah I'm so sick of me, wake up Did you hear what Alyssa Chang did this morning?

ALYSSA: Hey, Josie, Lizzie.

Your flowers are pretty.

I want one.

Sorry, but our mom gave them to us.

Fine.

Pellis Tinctura.

(STUDENTS GASP)

Alyssa Chang's on the warpath again.

Stay clear if you can.

- - LIZZIE: Are you sure you're ready for this?

This artifact belonged to our mother.

She and her friends used it to perfectly predict the future.

Josie.

The device requires knowledge.

Your favorite color and number.

Purple and nine.

Loser Some days I wish I's Anyone else And the artifact speaks.

You will be a troll, married to Jed, and live in a garbage can.

(LAUGHTER)

I just want Yeah Don't let 'em waste your time I'm the original Loser Did you guys hear the big news?

- - Alyssa Chang has a roommate.

Pray for her.

What the hell?

(SCOFFS)

Are you blind?

I spelled the knob to "do not disturb.

" I need my chemistry of magic textbook.

And more importantly, why are you on my bed?

I thought it'd be nice if it saw some action.

I'm sorry, Hope.

I'm crashing at Landon's.

Have fun holding hands.

(GROWLING)

(LOW GROWLING)

What do you think, Mr.

Wrinkles?

Looks better on me than her, right?

(CLATTERING)

(HISSES)

ALARIC: Okay, that's enough.

We're trying to stop it from exploding, not speed up the process.

(SIGHS)

We have tried 12 different spells.

This is not a problem that magic can fix.

Well, it's better than your solution of covering it in concrete and dropping it in the ocean.

Maybe I deserve the black magic to just boomerang back to me.

Just cut yourself some slack, okay?

- You made a mistake.

- Wait.

What if we try Dad's idea, but better?

Instead of dropping the discount lava lamp in the ocean, we drop it in a place where magic can't escape.

The prison world.

- Absolutely not.

- No, this is perfect.

There's a celestial event tonight.

A meteor shower and that is what we need to make the ascendant work, right?

Yeah, that and Bennett blood.

No, I said no!

I will figure this out.

Okay?

Don't do anything while I'm gone.

(DOOR OPENS)

It's bad enough that Sebastian ghosted me, but now Dad's acting like an annoying control freak.

He's not gonna let us anywhere near that prison world with our psychotic Uncle Kai.

Then what if we send it to a different one?

Make a new ascendant and a new prison world with no homicidal uncles.

It's gonna take a lot of magic.

We did it when we were five.

With Aunt Bonnie.

I mean, we can't do this alone.

Then I'll find someone.

How hard could it be?

LANDON: Okay, that was a little hard.

(GRUNTING)

Ow.

Okay, um, to be clear, when I asked for training, I sort of meant for beginners.

Yeah.

- (GRUNTS)

- Sorry.

It's just, Alyssa Chang has me all worked up.

That girl has no boundaries.

She takes all of my stuff and every day she has a new scented candle.

One of which that smelled like bacon.

I think she's trying to gaslight me.

Yeah, bullies'll do that.

Trust me, I pretty much have a PhD on the subject.

She makes me long for the days when I could toss a monster into the Malivore pit.

Well, I know this might not sound like the most action-packed advice, but, um maybe just try talking to her.

Bullies hate being confronted.

I guess I could try that, Dr.

Kirby.

Great.

Uh, how about some more sparring first?

Maybe some judo or kenpo?

- Aikido?

- Why don't we start with a basic jab?

Have you walking instead of running head first into danger.

ALARIC: It's definitely dangerous.

It's a Mora Miserium.

If it shatters, all the black magic goes into Josie.

Oh, and, here I didn't know those still existed.

Let alone how to repair one.

- But let me have - DORIAN: Emma.

Dorian.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm gonna let you two catch up.

(GRUNTING)

I've got to find myself a b*mb expert.

Hmm.

You're in town.

Ric asked me to run Coven Day.

You flew from Japan for Coven Day?

Of course.

Why wouldn't I?

Huh.

(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

For years, witches have been persecuted for being different, even dangerous.

Coven Day is an opportunity for all of us to celebrate and to take pride in being a witch.

To learn about the individual covens that make up our magical community.

Hey, uh, have you seen Alyssa Chang?

No, not today.

(WHOOSH)

Glad you decided to join us.

Sorry, I just really didn't want to be here.

(LAUGHTER)

We'll talk later.

For the rest of you, enjoy.

You'll find that what you get out of Coven Day is what you put into it.

Hi.

Now, I know we don't see eye-to-eye, and I'm sure you probably weren't super excited about having a roommate.

Oh, I don't mind having a roommate.

I just don't like you.

Okay.

Um Maybe we could talk about boundaries.

Start over.

She's blaming you for everything.

They're going to get rid of you unless you get rid of her.

You're right.

We should start over.

Back to when I had the room to myself.

- (SIGHS)

- (WADE CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, welcome to my presentation.

I'm supposed to talk about my coven, but I don't have one.

And I've always wondered why I don't fit in or why I'm bad at magic Because you got admitted here due to a clerical error?

(LAUGHTER)

But I've done some research and I think I have an answer.

I've been misdiagnosed.

I'm not a witch, I'm a fairy.

(LAUGHTER)

I know it's out there, um but fairies enjoy honey, they're incredibly tidy, and they love to sing.

Uh, just like me.

Uh, I also never knew my parents, so maybe they were eaten by Malivore.

Maybe you could be eaten by Malivore so we can forget your whole presentation.

(LAUGHTER)

Does-does anyone else see ?

A waste of fairy space?

(LAUGHTER)

That's detention, Alyssa.

Do you even work here?

I do today.

Fine.

- It couldn't be worse than this.

- HOPE: I don't know.

Being alone in a room with you?

As your roommate, that sounds like hell.

(CLASS OOHS)

Good, Hope.

Don't let anyone make you look weak.

Hey.

Cute shoes.

(CHUCKLES)

They'd look better on me.

(HUFFS)

Hey.

How'd it go with Alyssa Chang?

You guys BFFs?

QAREEN: You cannot protect him.

Get rid of him before you lose him.

Your advice was useless, Landon, just like you.

(SCOFFS)

Hey, Wade.

Uh, you know I'm always down for more adventures of Magnus the Warrior and G'nash the Bugbear, but I got an emergency brewing here.

Does it have anything to do with Hope acting like Alyssa Chang 2.

0?

'Cause I've got a theory.

Ding, ding.

Get in here.

What do you got?

We're dealing with a Qareen.

It's an Arabian monster that whispers insecurities and feeds off discord.

Its superpower is making people angry?

Uh, it feeds off the strife, becoming stronger and affecting more and more people until it materializes into our plane.

Right now it's out of phase.

It's invisible and intangible.

I thought the Malivore portal is closed.

I mean, isn't it?

I don't know how it got here, but it's definitely real.

I saw it.

You said it's invisible.

Not to fairies.

EMMA: So we are going to try a meditative exercise to calm our nerves They are so soft.

Only you can protect them all.

Really?

Some hurt feelings, and this is what we're doing?

It's no wonder I have to do everything myself.

Sounds like this will be especially helpful for some of us.

Now close your eyes.

Focus on your breathing (INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY)

and embrace the silence.

Emma, could I borrow you for a sec?

We're in the middle of something.

So am I, and my thing doesn't include, like, "Kum-Bah-Yah" circle time.

(SARCASTIC CHUCKLE)

Sit.

You and your sister should have been here from the start.

Again.

Eyes closed.

Focus on the silence.

(CHAIR SCRAPING LOUDLY)

(SIGHS)

EMMA: Thank you.

I've tried everything.

Freezing it, covering it in concrete, defusing it.

Nothing works.

And if this b*mb goes off, it will destroy everything.

- Sounds intense.

- Yeah.

But I thought you wrote true crime.

Well, you know, the genre market's hot right now.

Gotcha.

Uh, so why don't you just have your character blow up the b*mb?

Because the character's desperately trying to keep it from exploding.

Actually, that's the general render-safe protocol for any expl*sive.

Detonate it from a distance.

Well, what if there isn't a safe distance?

That's how we did things in the EOD.

But it's fiction; you can just make something up, right?

(PHONE CHIMES)

Great.

Ethan landed himself in detention.

Apparently, he fought another bully.

Well, listen, Ethan's a good kid, so I'm sure he was sticking up for someone smaller.

But, look, I am not the principal anymore.

(LAUGHS)

And to be honest, I wish Lizzie would date somebody like Ethan.

What happened to the good-looking exchange student?

Yeah, Sebastian he's not right for her.

And I had to let him know that.

But I'm sure, like every teenager, he was reasonably accepting of your point of view.

Yeah, something like that.

Geez, Ric, what'd you do, m*rder him?

Well, you're gonna have to get me a lawyer before I answer that question, Sheriff.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

EMMA: Eyes closed.

Focus on the silence.

Cessabit orbis.

I've summoned a sphere.

It represents your collective thoughts and emotions.

Our goal is to keep it a calm green that represents serenity and peace of mind.

She's using you.

I know you're just using me for cryptozoology homework.

They talk behind your back.

Me?

I know that you're the one talks behind my back.

Your negative thoughts are polluting the sphere, changing its color.

Focus, witches.

They judge you, but they're not better than you.

Tell them.

I don't know what's worse, Hope stealing Josie's loser boyfriend, or Lizzie getting dumped by Sebastian when she's the only girl he's met since 1509.

If you were enough, he wouldn't have left.

Show you're enough.

At least I have a family, unlike you, orphan.

Incendia.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

I can't believe it you are such a bitch.

Shut your mouth.

That's enough.

Everyone, go to your rooms and cool off.

Lizzie, Lizzie.

Something's wrong.

I will tell you what is wrong, okay.

That hair.

That shirt.

Oh, okay.

I see you have a point there.

What is going on?

Look here, uh, Snoopy, I know you haven't been housebroken, but I'm gonna need you to get out of my way.

(GROWLING)

Or what, you gonna challenge me to a dance-off?

Ah, very funny, wolf.

Let's go play fetch.

(GROWLING)

(KALEB AND JED ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

- You want to go?

You want to go?

- We can go.

Let's do it.

- We can do this - Bring it.

Bring it, vamp.

- Bring it.

- I'll do it.

EMMA: You knew she'd have problems adjusting.

- - It's been years, Emma.

And she's still prone to getting in fights with the other kids.

Look we have dealt with problem students in the past.

I hate to say it, but if she keeps this up, we might have to consider expulsion.

We said we'd never do that again, Ric.

I know, but what if we were wrong?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Which way?

- I can't see it.

I lost it.

- Lost what?

Landon's fashion sense?

Sorry, I didn't mean that.

You said my look was classic.

And you believed that?

Sorry I think.

Well, I'm living a lie.

WADE: We're looking for the Qareen.

It's a monster that makes everyone act like - You.

- It's invisible; only fairies can see it.

Do you want to take this, - or should I?

- It's too easy.

Can't even get any pleasure out of it.

- Sorry.

- Hey, focus.

It's gaining strength by the minute.

Once it's strong enough to manifest itself on a, um, non-fairy plane Anyway, we have to figure out a way to stop it.

It is so much less impressive when you give the hero speeches.

That was all me.

Okay, what's the plan?

Then I get back home, and Maya is on her best behavior.

And you do not have to be a cop to realize - That she's hiding something.

- Yeah.

That's when I hear a noise in the living room.

I open the closet door to find Let me guess.

It's a girlfriend.

I wish.

It was like a clown car in there.

Five kids, one keg.

(LAUGHS)

I don't even know how they all squeezed in there.

Yikes.

So, what'd you do next?

Mm my first instinct was to cuff them and drag them all down to the station.

But then I calmed down and I did the reasonable thing that we always do, because that's what we have to do, right?

I-I lie to my girls and keep secrets to protect them, so I'm not sure I'm the right person to be asking for parental advice.

Well, I'm a little desperate.

My good kid just got in another fight.

I'm Team Ethan, so maybe trust him to make the right decisions on his own.

Then perhaps you should let your daughters solve their own problems sometime.

And would it absolve you of your own sins to let someone say, a cute cop hear these secrets that you're keeping?

Oh, sorry, Sheriff.

But I'll be taking those secrets with me to the grave.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

DORIAN: I asked you a simple question.

Why does everything have to be a secret - with you?

- EMMA: Me?

(LAUGHS): Oh.

At least I can open up.

You're never emotionally available.

Emotionally available?

You took a job in Japan!

And you never told me how that made you feel.

- Um - BOTH: What?

(STUDENTS GASPING)

What the hell is that thing?

WADE: Okay.

The Qareen does have an Achilles' heel.

Uh, it's weak to myrrh, Sinbad's scimitar, and fairies.

Don't even think about it.

Why don't you believe me?

Can you fly or sh**t fairy dust or make others gleeful?

No.

Because you're doing the exact same thing that Landon is with his training: you're trying to fit in.

It's delusional.

I sh-shouldn't have said that.

You do know the reason I'm training is to help you with this stuff?

If I need someone to die a lot, or be picked on, I know who to call.

Wade, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that I didn't mean that.

Actually, you did.

The Qareen magnifies insecurities.

- It doesn't make them.

- (SIGHS)

ALYSSA: Hey, book nerds.

There's a monster on campus.

It kind of looks like that pimple Hope had last week.

Are you sure it wasn't your own reflection?

LANDON: Great.

It's strong enough - to be on our plane.

- Okay, well, we need to get you somewhere safe just in case.

So you don't go get yourself kidnapped again.

I'm really not blaming the victim here.

I actually don't think it's after me.

Like, it actively avoided Wade and me.

Then what does it want?

(DOOR OPENS)

(SIGHS)

This isn't gonna work, Lizzie.

After what happened with Clarke, I'm nervous to do even the smallest spells worried that the magic's gonna backfire.

(SNARLS)

Don't let it break.

LIZZIE: Josie, wake up.

Jo!

Are you okay?

What happened?

Monster.

Uh, Emma put up a barrier spell, so the Qareen's stuck in here with us.

It took the Sandclock.

HOPE: The Sandclock?

Why?

LIZZIE: It doesn't matter.

We just need to get it back.

We can take this thing out, okay?

We are three badass witches and one moderately competent bird.

JOSIE: Except if the Sandclock gets damaged, something really bad is gonna happen.

We need to exploit a weakness to take it down fast.

Except Landon's research into that was about as useful as his fighting skills.

Oh, my God, sorry.

- Love you.

- Or maybe my research was fine, but God forbid you use your brain instead of punching every problem.

Oh, crap.

I'm infected.

LIZZIE: Join the club.

Maybe the only one that'll have you.

Sorry.

Monster.

Why am I being affected now?

I wasn't before.

Oh.

Okay.

I might have a plan.

Hey.

What happened back there, what everyone said, it wasn't cool.

And we really need your help to stop the Qareen.

Why?

I'm useless, like Hope said.

That's because fairies run on belief.

I did some research, and the more people that believe in you, the stronger your powers.

No one believes in me.

I do.

You saw the Qareen first.

You were unaffected by its powers, and when I was hanging out with you, the Qareen couldn't infect me.

I'm 100% behind you.

And I'm not alone.

STUDENTS (CHANTING): Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Are people calling my name?

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Wait, why are we doing this again?

- I think it's someone's birthday.

- Oh.

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

We gathered everyone we could.

Let loose the fairy.

You got this, Wade.

Just know that everyone believes in you.

(GIRL SCREAMS)

(STUDENTS GASPING)

STUDENTS: Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

(GRUNTS)

Wh-Wha-What's wrong?

This isn't giving me any powers.

I don't think anyone really believes in me.

This is why we don't entrust plans to Muppet Babies.

- I'm not sorry.

- I believe.

And I'll prove it.

(SNARLS)

What the hell are you doing?

Trusting in Wade.

Wait, we can't break the Sandclock.

(GRUNTS)

You're weak.

You can't protect yourself, let alone anyone else.

Shut up.

You're weak.

- (BONES CRUNCHING)

- (STUDENTS GASP)

- Landon!

- Hope, stay calm.

(EXHALES)

I got this, Hope.

Landon made sure of it.

- (STUDENTS CHEERING)

- Oh.

Dude's, like, all fairy.

Like, for real.

(GROWLS)

STUDENTS: Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(ROARING)

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

Wade!

- Oh, my gosh!

- Wade!

(CHEERING)

(CRACKING)

ALARIC: Lizzie was rushed to the infirmary - with severe burns.

- Now, thankfully, she'll be okay.

- Well, I was in the library all morning.

- I know.

I also know you've been practicing linking spells.

Connecting people with objects.

ALARIC: I'm sorry, Alyssa.

But I'm gonna have to send you away.

Where am I gonna go?

What if there was another option?

I can cast a spell to remove the memories of what you did.

What happened with your parents.

It could give you a fresh new start.

She's not like the others.

(SIGHS)

What would you like to do, Alyssa?

I want to stay.

I still don't like this idea.

JOSIE: None of us like it, but it's the only plan that we have.

And we have to do something before the fishbowl of doom fractures again.

ALARIC: Wait.

"Time fractures.

" The prophecy.

You're right.

We've got to get a move on this now.

Wait, you're letting us do this?

Well, m-my b*mb expert she didn't give me the best advice on expl*sives, but she did point out that I could be better at letting you girls solve your own problems.

I like this mysterious demolition expert.

Does she have a name?

Are you sure you guys can handle this?

Not alone, but we have help.

EMMA: Working together.

That's what Coven Day is all about.

It's only when witches are alone that we're truly in danger.

But together we are strong and can cast spells that none of us would be able to do ourselves.

I'm sorry about what I said before.

You know, the monster I deserved it.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna try to turn down the jerk.

I'm sorry for dragging us into this.

I'm sorry I didn't know you needed help.

I love you.

I love you, too.

EMMA: Now, witches, focus on assembling these pieces into a new ascendant that will lead to a new prison world.

- One spell down.

- One to go.

EMMA: Well done, witches, well done, but it's not over.

We must pull together and channel our energy as one to banish the Sandclock before it breaks.

We all got to stick together, right?

ALL: Sangiema Meam Et Nos Mundo Carcerema.

Sangiema Meam Et Nos Mundo Carcerema.

Sangiema We did it.

It's gone.

(GROUP CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Thank you.

That jab is really coming along.

(CHUCKLES)

I have a good teacher.

You get that rush and then - Earlier, I-I said some things - Uh-huh.

We both had monster brain.

We can forget all about that.

I can't.

Um As much as it hurts (SIGHS)

Um, what I said was true.

It made me just want you more My God, your love Look, um I love you, Landon.

And I hate that you're gone I love that you can't take a punch.

I love that you won today using brain, not brawn, and I love that you're always trying to be better.

But, um, I don't want you to be the hero.

Th-The hero's never the one that's left standing.

From the rubble of your love, I'm gonna be I'm not gonna train you to fight with me anymore.

You ever thought I was Not if the monsters are back.

Each time you left, there was a hunger Well, I'm not stopping.

I felt so dead If you won't train me, I'll find someone who will, so that we're both standing at the end of this.

I never noticed I'm gonna be stronger Than you ever thought I was.

Hey, yeah, I I just wanted to thank you for your advice earlier.

MAC (OVER PHONE): You finished your novel?

(CHUCKLES)

No.

I let my daughters take care of the situation, and, shockingly, the world didn't end.

So I owe you one.

Hey, uh, what do you say dinner this weekend?

(CHUCKLES)

My answer's in your pocket.

JOSIE: Shouldn't you be celebrating?

Your plan worked.

Yeah, but with the drama over, I don't have anything to distract myself anymore.

Distract you from what?

(SIGHS)

It's okay to miss him.

I know I shouldn't care.

Sebastian wasn't a great guy, but still (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Um, got room for one more in the cry pile?

(SIGHS)

I think Landon might hate me.

- - You look very happy, Alyssa, and I hear you're making friends.

Zoe told me that I'm her best friend.

(CHUCKLES)

Is she your best friend?

Either her, or maybe Clara.

Well, that's a good problem to have.

I'm so proud of the progress you've made, which is why I think we can stop having our weekly sessions.

Really?

I'm better?

I think so.

What do you think?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey.

I wanted to apologize for earlier.

Let's chalk it up to the Qareen.

No, before that.

It's none of my business why you're in town.

I appreciate that.

But today made me realize that I should be more honest with you.

I'm not in town for Coven Day.

Ric asked me to help him with a student.

Someone who was giving him trouble.

What did you do, Emma?

What we did before.

ALYSSA: Bad time?

No, I-I was just leaving.

We'll discuss this later.

I know I ordered you here earlier, but it's clear the Qareen was influencing you, well, all of us.

That's not what I wanted to chat about.

I wanted to confess something.

What did you do?

It's not about what I did.

It's what I know about what you did.

Josie recently did this purge spell to return everyone's memories about Hope, but Hope's not the only thing I remembered.

I remembered other things, like what you did to me and what Dr.

Saltzman did to those other kids.

This must be very confusing for you, but I can explain.

- Let me go and get Dr.

Saltzman.

- That won't be possible.

What did you do, Alyssa?

I sent them away just like you sent the others.

I thought it was poetic justice.

That's not possible.

You'd need the ascendant and Bennett blood.

Or I would just need to use a linking spell.

I've been waiting for an opportunity for weeks.

Watching the Saltzmans as they complained about their lives, worried only about themselves.

And then, when everyone else was basking in Coven Day bliss, I linked the two ascendants.

When the girls sent the Sandclock, they were also sending themselves and Dr. S.

I added a time delay spell so no one would realize what happened until it was too late.

You can thank Vardemus for that one.

Get up.

- We're bringing them back.

- How?

The meteor shower's over.

Dedisco.

You won't remember any of this.

That feels poetic, too.

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I think we need to have that chat about boundaries.

What the hell did you do?

(LOUD THUD)

Dad?

Where are we?

We're in a prison world.

I thought you said the worlds would be identical.

It's not the one you made today.

It's-it's the one you made when you were kids.

Why are we here?

I'm guessing Alyssa Chang wants to teach me a lesson.

For what?

SEBASTIAN: The miseducation of young minds.

Sebastian?

Hello, Elizabeth.

Fancy meeting you here.