08x08 - Romancing the Stone

[bunniefuu]

MIKE (ON COMPUTER): Mandy, what do you want me to do?

I'm stuck here.

I need you to help your mom get ready for Bonnie's wedding.

But she's being unreasonable and I don't know how to deal with that.

Usually I'm on the other side.

This blizzard has the whole mountain shut down.

I'll get to the wedding tomorrow, even if I have to tunnel through the snow.

But in the meantime, you're up.

Can't Kristin do it?

She's known Mom longer.

Listen, she's pregnant, she doesn't need the stress, kid.

Well, what about Jen?

Or the mailman?

He's reliable.

Uh-uh.

We're family, and you're gonna do this.

Fine.

- She's here, I have to go.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

there was a kind of Oh, Vanessa, darling, look at your wonderful daughter, folding wedding programs.

- What a dear.

- Yeah, well, waiting until the day before the wedding is cutting it a little close, but yes, a dear.

Have you heard from your father?

I have, but I don't think I want to tell you.

He's snowed in at the cabin, isn't he?

Oh, I hope he started a fire.

Nothing is cozier.

Yeah, well, being where you're supposed to be is cozier.

- You spit a little.

- What Oh.

Uh, so how did it go at the caterer?

Oh, everything seemed lovely.

Your-your mother had an issue with the bread baskets, which W No-no, no, I j-I just thought there wasn't enough variety, so I had them add a pretzel roll and a focaccia.

And I just, you know, took a swing.

(CHUCKLES)

Darling, you have got to relax.

This wedding is going to be just perfect.

Nothing like my first wedding, - which was pee-ew - Okay.

Mom, Mom you know, that-that's like the tenth slam you've taken against your first wedding.

We get it.

It wasn't great.

Well, it's just that everything was so rushed.

- The whole thing was - And now 11.

Okay.

Well, I am off to bed, ladies.

I'm going to be dreaming of the perfect wedding.

I see focaccia plum fairies dancing in my head.

Yes, she'll get the perfect wedding.

You'll see.

You'll all see.

If you tell a crazy person they're crazy, does it make it better or worse?

Mandy, I am not crazy.

I just I just need everything to be perfect, okay?

Why?

It's Grandma's second wedding, and Ed's, like, 12th.

All right, you know what?

I'm gonna tell you.

I'm gonna tell I don't want to keep things from you, the way my mom did with me.

The reason this is so important to me is because I ruined my mother's first wedding.

How?

You-you weren't even born.

No, but I was there.

I was there.

She hated her first wedding because she was pregnant, with me.

- (GASPS)

I can't believe this.

- Yeah.

Grandma's cool?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh.

My.

God.

I know something about you nobody else in this entire family knows.

I can't wait to tell them.

- N Mandy.

Mandy.

- No-no-no, don't worry.

I'll wait until after you're dead.

I can't wait.

Okay, you know what?

Telling you was a terrible mistake.

No, no, no, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, I am an amazing confidant, okay?

I I know exactly when to look concerned.

I-I know how to to gently touch your arm, and I have got the cutest sympathetic nod.

Mandy, please, please, honey, this was not an easy thing for me to admit.

(SIGHS)

I understand.

How long have you known?

All right, just a few weeks.

I saw Grandma's wedding certificate, and was definitely pregnant with me when she got married.

Well, what did Grandma say when you told her?

No.

I didn't tell her.

No, wow.

No.

I-I feel like this explains so much about my childhood.

Look, if I can just give her the wedding she'd always wanted, always deserved, then, I don't know, maybe it'll clean the slate between us.

What?

Hold on, what do what do you mean, clean the slate?

Mom, you didn't ruin Grandma's wedding.

You were just a little thing.

A little pootie-pootie doodle head.

- I want a baby so bad.

- I know.

Look, it doesn't make sense in my head, either, but it makes sense in my heart.

Oh Oh, and that was real sympathy, I swear to God, it just came out.

Look, honey, I really need your help with this wedding.

Mom, every time I was in trouble, you were there for me, so I'm gonna be there for you.

What-what can I do?

All right, well, I'm putting you in charge of Ed.

He cannot ruin this.

Oh, he's not gonna ruin it.

- He loves Grandma.

- Mm.

It's so sweet, sometimes - it crosses over into icky.

- Yeah.

Well, Ed has a history of messing up weddings.

He was late for his first and showed up drunk at his second, and came to his third in cargo shorts.

Cargo shorts at a wedding.

This will not stand.

Where have you guys been?

I already finished making all of the gift bags.

Ryan made us swing by the church.

We're going to be ushers.

I just wanted to check the layout.

It's a bunch of benches.

How can you not know what a church looks like?

Well, I didn't know if it was a proscenium or a church in the round.

I mean, the last time I ushered was at my high school play.

Which I should have been in.

But we won't get into that right now.

Oh, I understand.

I'm not upset.

No, I don't get upset.

Okay, I love you, too.

Jackass.

Talking to Mike?

No, Eve.

She can't make it to the wedding, either.

Her commander thinks tactical air training is more important than love.

- Jackass.

- Yeah.

I guess you'll have to return this beautiful dress.

Unless you know someone her exact same size.

That's a great idea, Jen.

Would you like to fill in for Eve?

More than anything in the world!

Oh, great.

Well, my workload just doubled.

I mean, I guess I'll just be, uh, ushering people to their seats while everyone else is up on stage.

It's Bye Bye Birdie all over again.

Oh, I'll-I'll call you back.

Uh (CLEARS THROAT)

- Hi, Ed.

- Mandy.

Mandy, don't you look beautiful.

All right, so, uh, so to what do I owe the pleasure?

Oh, well, uh, I hear that it's tradition for the groom to see his future step grand daughter.

Mm, uh.

All right, I never heard that.

Anyway, since I'm here, uh, I might as well give you a ride to the church.

So-so we can get you there on time.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Oh.

Look at the tux.

Oh Lovely jacket, shirt, tie, pants.

- Good for you.

- Mm-hmm.

All right.

What you what you working on?

I know what you're doing.

You're checking up on me, right?

Me?

No.

All right, Mandy.

Cut the cute, now.

Now, if Mike put you up to this, tell him I do not need a babysitter.

Now, come on, I've got to get dressed.

Let's go.

- Okeydoke.

- Come on, come on.

Those were long pants, right?

Um all right.

I wish people would stop using my lint roller.

Every time I go to use it, the sticky's all gone.

You know who you are.

You know you can just peel off that top layer.

Maybe you can.

Moneybags.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm on a secret mission.

Follow me.

You know what?

Watch what you say in here.

I've always suspected your dad bugged this place.

You know why?

'Cause he's a good man who works hard.

Okay, listen.

This wedding is very important to my mom, - so she asked me to keep an eye on Ed.

- Why?

Well, apparently, Ed has this history with ruining his past weddings, so it's my job to get him there on time, sober, and in a tux.

No-no, I meant, why did she ask you?

I'm head of security.

I got cameras all over Outdoor Man.

If I can keep an eye on a whole store I can certainly keep track of one old man.

Hey, babe.

Uh, can I get a ride to the church with you?

Why?

I thought you were going with Ed.

Me too.

But he just left.

What do you mean?

Where did he go?

I don't know, but he sure did seem like he was in a hurry.

I'll check the monitor.

Chuck, get eyes for Ed.

Uh, I think you mean "eyes on Ed".

Whatever.

Where are his eyes?

Right now they're driving out of the parking lot.

Oh, no.

Well, maybe he's on his way to the church.

Yeah, not if he's planning on wearing his tux.

Dad?

If you're listening, this is not my fault.

How did you lose him?

Well, there-there's a lot of blame to go around, - but most fingers are pointing to Chuck.

- Hey!

You need to stop arguing and start looking for him.

He's either at home, the VFW, or any bar in the greater Denver area, all right?

I wish you were here.

Listen, I'm working on it.

I drove a snowmobile to the airport in Vail.

I'll be on the next flight out of here, all right?

Look, Ed couldn't have gone far.

As long as we find him and get him to the wedding, none of this ever happened.

It's gonna be okay.

(SIGHS)

Thanks, Dad.

You always know what to say.

Uh, Vanessa just pulled in.

Run for your lives.

Baxter out.

Here comes the bridesmaids All dressed like bridesmaids Kristin.

What the heck.

I told you I'm not wearing that dress.

I'm pregnant.

The dress isn't.

But it's tradition.

Bridesmaids have to dress the same, so they can be a backdrop for the bride.

The bride has to shine.

She will shine.

I just won't be as itchy.

(CHUCKLES)

You can still wear the dress.

No.

This is not how it's supposed to go.

What if all the bridesmaids in the movie Bridesmaids didn't dress like bridesmaids?

Then it would just be called Some Friends Who Show Up.

Oh, Jen, darling, you look lovely.

Thank you.

See?

She wants us to wear the dresses.

She'll be so mad if we don't.

Oh, honestly, no, no, no.

Y-You girls wear whatever you like.

My first wedding, we didn't even have bridesmaids.

(CHUCKLES)

See?

Oh, technically, I guess we did.

My mother threw dresses on two complete strangers.

Ugh.

That's what you are to me.

A complete stranger.

Bet's to you, moneybags.

Hey, Mom.

'Sup?

Uh, I forgot to give Ed his boutonniere.

- Where is he?

- Oh, it's okay.

I will give it to him.

Bye-bye.

What, uh, w-what are you guys playing?

- Well, uh - Oh, God, I can't take the pressure, okay?

He's gone.

Mr.

Alzate is gone.

What?

Ed's gone?

I'm sorry I cracked, Mandy.

- You saw how she went after me.

- Wh Where-where is Ed?

We don't know.

W-We He's not answering his phone.

But don't worry, we'll find him.

Oh, God, oh, God, I did it again.

Oh, I've let my mother down.

So much for a clean slate.

The slate will just stay dirty.

I'll just I'll always be dirty, filthy-slate Vanessa.

(COMPUTER RINGING)

Hey, it's-it's Mike calling back.

For the first time.

Mike!

Mike.

Hey, have you heard?

Ed's missing.

What?

Drop it, Dad.

Give us what you got.

W-Wait.

I got an idea.

Uh, Chuck, do you remember when we put that tracking app on Ed's phone?

Oh, yeah.

When he kept losing it.

T-This is no time to reminisce.

- We have got to find Ed.

- On it, Baxter.

A-All right.

They're closing the door, so I got to go.

Everything's gonna be okay, Vanessa.

Yeah, I'm turning it off.

Are you gonna be like this for the whole half hour?

H-Hey, h-hey, I-I found Ed.

What Oh, thank God.

If he's in a bar, I'll k*ll him.

He's in the hospital.

What did you do?

Ed?

What happened?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Oh, okay.

I mean, you know, I-I'm only asking because you're in a hospital bed on your wedding day.

(CHUCKLES)

It's kidney stones.

- Kidney stones?

(SIGHS)

- Yeah.

Why does everything always happen to me?

Oh, y To-to you.

No, I mean, to-to you.

I can usually ride them out, but this one's different.

I mean, it's been getting worse all week.

I Damn thing feels like the size of a meatball.

Ah, well, that's one thing I'm gonna delete from the family menu.

Ed, why-why didn't you tell anybody?

- (MOANS)

Don't.

- Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Yeah, I thought I could get over here, see the doc and get some pain meds and still make it to the wedding, and but when he saw the size of it - Well, here I am.

- Mm.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I wish you had said something sooner.

We could have postponed the ceremony.

Oh, no, no, Vanessa.

I th did not want that to happen.

This was too important to you.

- (CLEARS THROAT)

- Mm, well, I mean, not that it matters now, but yeah, it-it was.

I was just I was just trying to make up for something at her first wedding.

Her first wedding?

That's not something you need to do.

No, trust me, it-it is.

E-Ed, I don't want to talk about it.

I just I can't.

Holy crap.

You know.

Know what?

Holy crap, you know!

- (EXCLAIMS)

- Oh, sorr sorry.

I'm sorry.

Please.

Oh, God Of course I know.

We're getting married.

She told me all about her past life and I told her much of mine.

Well, I mean, I'm glad she confided in someone.

When you love each other, you don't have secrets between you.

Yeah, well, you'd think, right?

Yeah, but you're keeping a secret now from her, right?

Huh?

Maybe it's time you two come clean.

(SIGHS)

I don't know, Ed.

I ju It's too scary.

I Scary?

You want scary?

I'm about to become your stepfather, so (BOTH LAUGH)

- Oh!

Don't-don't - I'm sorry.

Oh - Don't come closer.

- So sorry.

What?

What happened?

(SIGHS)

You can tell me.

I'm a Marine.

I can handle bad news.

I just (SIGHS)

I mean, I don't know what I'm gonna tell my mom.

(CRYING): Oh, God.

I loved the guy so much.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without him.

ED: Get the hell in here, Chuck.

Damn.

(GASPS)

Oh.

- How is he?

- Uh, he's fine.

Did he-did he pass the stone yet?

Uh, well, the-the doctor said it could take a while.

Oh.

I suppose that's because it has to travel quite a (CHUCKLES)

distance.

Oof.

Mom, I-I I-I need to tell you something and, uh, it's-it's not easy.

I saw your old marriage certificate.

I did the math.

Oh.

Surprise.

Mom, a-all those things you've been saying about your first wedding, I mean, it's obvious you resented me.

Even though I-I was just a little pootie-pootie doodle head.

Oh, darling, I Oh, please.

Oh, those barbs were not aimed at you.

They were aimed at me.

I was I was disappointed.

In myself, in your father for getting us into that situation, and Although we did have some fun getting there, too.

(LAUGHS)

Oof.

I suppose I-I should've I should've told you the truth, but in-in my defense, I am a tightly-wound, repressed, Episcopalian control freak.

I mean, apparently, not that one night, but Look, Mom, I'm just worried that I may have ruined more than just your first wedding.

I-I feel like I may have ruined your life.

Darling, what are you talking about?

Well, I mean, you always wanted a college education, and-and being pregnant with me kind of stopped that.

Sweetheart, I got exactly the education that I wanted.

I raised an exceptional daughter.

Thank you, Mom.

- (CRYING)

- Thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

Look what I found.

A giant kidney stone attached to a stubborn Spaniard.

BONNIE: Oh.

Edward, are you all right, darling?

- Oh, oh, no, no, no.

- I know, I know.

All the better to see you, my dear.

Wait, should-should he be up?

No.

But he's Ed.

He said there was no way he was gonna miss this wedding.

Edward, you are not to leave this hospital.

No, no.

I've waited through four bad marriages to get to this one.

I'm not gonna wait another day.

You know what?

Maybe you don't have to.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't start without us.

- VANESSA: Oh, wow.

- Oh Oh, my God!

- Oh, you girls look beautiful.

- Yeah.

Kristin, I didn't know you were gonna wear it.

I did.

We're your bridesmaids.

We-we wanted you to shine.

(CHUCKLES)

She said it's coming off in a half hour, - so we should get going.

- VANESSA: Yeah, yeah.

-Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Okay.

We also brought you something for your hair.

Oh, how beautiful.

Oh, darling.

- Thank you.

Isn't that lovely?

- Here, Mom, I'll do it.

- Yes, beautiful.

All right, where?

- Yeah, yeah.

Stick it - Right there?

Okay, got it.

- I think the Yeah.

- Let me do it!

- Aah!

There's a right way and a wrong way.

Ooh, okay.

(CHUCKLES)

You girls really do look beautiful.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Excuse me, I'm looking for the Alzate-Davis wedding.

- Mike!

Oh, my God.

- (LAUGHS)

Oh, God.

And minutes to spare.

I could've got myself a hot dog.

Honey, honey, listen, I-I know you had a long travel day, but I-I kind of need you to get in there.

- Yeah.

- Uh, gladly.

You two look wonderful.

Thanks, Dad.

Mwah.

- All right.

- And Mike?

- Yeah?

- I'm so glad you're here.

#MeToo.

(CLAPPING)

Okay, people.

Here's how it's going to go.

Me first, because I'm shortest, then Kristin, then Mandy.

Lead with your right foot and - (MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE)

- Okay (MUSIC STOPS)

Okay, we're gathered here today because of the miracle of Yamaha snowmobiles and Rocky Mountain Regional Airlines.

So, we stand here before God, family, friends and the afternoon staff here at Denver General Hospital.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man - to tell you about a-a secret sale.

- Shh!

Mm.

"So, when is it?" "What's for sale, Mike?" "How much is discounted?" Look, I'm not telling you, because it's a secret.

That's frustrating, isn't it?

There are some things you should keep secret, some things you shouldn't.

(CHUCKLES)

If you've ever owned a pair of MC Hammer pants, you might want to take that to your grave.

Although they're quite comfortable.

The saying goes, "Our secrets make us sick, but be careful.

Depending on what you're sharing, confessions can bite you in the ass".

Now, if it's really important to keep a secret, word of advice: don't bug your own office.

You were an odd bird, Tricky d*ck.

Man.

Sometimes secrets weigh so heavily on us that it's hard to move forward while carrying them around.

Mm, it's like trying to paddle upriver with a canoe full of beer kegs.

Trust me, it's easier coming back upriver when they're empty.

Make it so.

So if something is weighing you down, maybe it's time to lighten your load.

And if you need somewhere to put it, as chance would have it, we've got 50% off hard-shell cargo carriers.

Look at that I just told you my secret.

I-I feel better.

How about you?

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)