05x04 - Magicians Anonymous

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "The Magicians" [ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Your new lady Centurion.

You said you heard voices from other worlds.

You hearing something?

A signal?

[ODD SQUEALING]

Professor, did the signal make you do that?

He loved you.

Why would I want to take that away from you now?

That would be so cruel.

You really think I didn't know there was more?

What was I supposed to do, huh?

Demand that he only love me?

"Dark King" is a little generic as villain names go, wouldn't you say?

I have notes.

Although he is somewhat effective.

Everyone seems terrified of him.

Elliot, Taker!

Back up!

You all right?

Death is so simple and life is so complicated.

I know.

I think I almost f*cked the Dark King.

Are you familiar with the Harmonic Convergence?

A rare and powerful astrological occurrence, a magnifier of magic.

- How bad will it be?

- Death toll in the millions.

- Maybe much higher.

- How can we stop it?

You can't.

[SIREN BLARES, MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

Lady!

Hedge witches they're used to crumbs.

And, yes, ambient is low, but you know what amplifies it?

Cooperative magic.

We tell everyone, and we all do the same thing at the same time.

And I thought that if I took on more power and more responsibility that I would want heroin less.

When I thought I'd relapsed, I was relieved.

So, uh I've been clean for a year.

- [APPLAUSE]

- [MUTTERS]

Thanks, but uh, maybe hold that 'cause I've been jonesing hard.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh I'm a hedge.

You know, before we helped save magic, we got a sh*t deal.

Right?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, there was, uh, a blood worm scare, so the Library gave a lot of hedges the Reed's Mark.

Well, get a mark, you're magically castrated till they take it off.

The Library's imploding.

They can't fix it and the marked ones are looking at me, like, "Hey, bossy pants, you rallied us to save magic.

How about saving us?" And I found a spell to remove the marks in a depository.

Only, all of a sudden, it's gone.

But I know, only way to move something that warded is to move it though the Etheric Realm.

Cool, I've heard it's awesome there.

What's the prob?

The prob is there's only one way into the Realm.

Anybody heard of RCH?

Nickname Archie?

Yep.

[CHUCKLES]

The way to save every marked hedge is to drop acid.

A true 12-step conundrum.

I'm assuming you have the Archie on you.

[CHUCKLES]

Call your sponsor, kid.

It'd make sense in case somebody here, you know, gave you permission to jump off the wagon.

Sorry, M. A. is so strict.

You met the nice me.

Here's the real me.

f*ck off.

[LAUGHING]

[MAN LAUGHS]

What?

Well, I take the anonymous part of Magicians Anonymous very seriously.

So you quit drinking.

33 days, 6 hours, 19 minutes of skin-peeling, soul-searing hell ago, yes.

Well, I can relate.

As can I, in regards to the crushing weight of leadership.

I've never seen Archie.

May I?

Why two?

In case the first trip's a bust.

Or in case it's fun.

[CHUCKLES]

I've been dismissive or downright derisive about hedges, and I admit, I was quite wrong.

And I'd like to try and make, um Oh, hell, what's the word?

- Amends.

- Yes.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Are you crazy?

[SWALLOWS]

I am, but I am not an addict.

I am an alcoholic.

Totally different.

[CHUCKLES]

So I will go hunt down the depository.

You're not going alone.

[EERIE MUSIC]

So we know about the Harmonic Convergence.

The problem is we knew just enough to be useless.

So maybe we find someone who can see the big picture.

"Find.

" Summon.

A god?

Whoa, you've got to be kidding me!

Wait, Julia, before you do that, - I think the Library might have - Ah.

- Ooh.

- Penny?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I'm fine.

Wow, that is a whole nother level.

Jesus.

I thought the patch was working.

Merritt's signal just keeps getting stronger.

I'm sorry, I can't stay.

I'm I'm just no use until I get this under control.

Maybe do the summoning once I get back?

Uh, let me know if things get too weird.

Uh, yeah, same.

The Library has summoned me about 7,000 times to come work there, and they also gave me this.

It'll get me in anytime I want.

I'll bring back whatever they have on their Harmonic Convergence as fast as I can.

Are you sure you'll be okay?

Yeah.

Good luck.

You too.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

It makes the signal is hitting you harder.

I'm starting to actually hear A voice?

- You too?

- Kind of.

[GROANS]

I can't make out actual words, at least not ones I can understand.

- Is that for me?

- No.

The problem with the first patch was that it is just a deflector.

The signal is getting bounced off, but I'm still getting hit by the reverb.

This one should absorb the sound and k*ll it.

And if it does, we'll see what we can gin up for you.

[TEARING]

[GRUNTS]

[OBJECT THUDS]

[EXHALING DEEPLY]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Okay.

Better, I think.

Oh [SIGHS]

Okay.

- [GROANS]

- What was that?

- Where did you go?

- I don't remember.

You didn't blip out on purpose.

No, it's like when the pain got so I was gonna pass out, I just I just went.

You need a doctor.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

I'm impressed.

Oh, not with this.

It's dreadful.

Sorry.

With your skills as a Magician.

- Who trained you?

- Well, I just picked up a little bit here and there.

Clearly not enough, since I couldn't put a scratch on that Taker.

Don't be modest.

You have what it takes to be quite formidable.

I could use you.

Official Court Magician in Defense of the Kingdom.

You could teach others and be taught by me.

I would be honored Your Majesty.

[SIGHS]

Hmm.

A different lining perhaps.

Gray, please.

When we are alone, it can be Seb.

Well, Seb, we have a saying where I come from.

You kind of buried the lede on, uh on the well, on you.

[CHUCKLES]

I didn't mean to deceive you.

Kings have to be very careful about who to trust.

And also, it can be a relief to not Feel the weight of the crown on your head every second?

You are wise.

But I knew that already.

[DOOR OPENS]

In any case, settle in, and we will get down to the particulars of your duties later.

All right?

All right.

Your Majesty.

- Oh, please.

- What?

If you say his gorgeous eyes see into your soul, I'm gonna puke all over your new leggings, which are quite sharp, by the way.

Thank you.

- Legs for days.

- Ah, thank you.

But I never said his eyes were gorgeous or that he sees into my soul.

But weirdly, he might.

Or he's sucking the soul out of you because he doesn't have one.

Um, he did save my life.

He's called the Dark King.

You're called Margo the Destroyer.

I was a woman ruling a patriarchy, my brand had to be overkill.

Bottom line, he likes you.

You just have to find out what he's really about.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

I'll see if my fellow Centurions like to gossip.

Then we regroup and decide benevolent dictator by necessity or psychopathic despot by choice?

- What if he's the latter?

- Then I always got his back.

Perfect place to bury these.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[DISTANT LAUGHTER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BOOKS CLATTER]

[GASPS]

- Zelda.

- Help me, please.

What's going on?

Who are they?

- [POUND ON DOOR]

- Visigoths.

What, like Marilyn Manson?

- Visi-goths!

- Oh, Germanic barbarians.

Who always show up at the absolute worst points in history.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[SPEAKING GREEK]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

f*cking hell.

Oh, sorry.

Did you did you want Hades?

[CHUCKLES]

I could get word to him, but, ugh, what a d*ck.

Are you I'm Clarion, Goddess of Melody.

Hey, Julia, I have, uh, had my eye on you for quite a while.

- You have?

- Yeah, yeah.

So you were mortal, right?

And then you were one of us, and now you're back to mortal.

Whew, you're one tough cookie, cookie.

- Thanks?

- Yeah, but the way that you're imagining the Harmonic Convergence isn't quite enough.

It's so much worse.

[CHUCKLES]

So, when all the spells cast by all the Magicians go haywire, you're gonna get earthquakes, fire, drought, starvation, plague.

And then comes cannibalism.

Um, is there anything you can do?

I could stop it.

- How would that be?

- Great.

But I'm assuming there's something you want in return.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, you, uh [CLICKS TONGUE]

You have dealt with a god or two.

Yep.

I want to be human.

Like you.

Excuse me?

I worship you, Julia.

How did you do it, though?

Because that's the part that I couldn't quite see.

There's, like, some kind of cloak around the whole process.

Uh, rumor is it had something to do with a book.

Yeah, okay, I'm gonna need just a few more details I don't know, starting with why.

Do I want to be human?

Oh, it's simple.

So I'm the Goddess of Melody, right?

But did you know that we can't actually feel music?

Like, we understand it, we can tell the good from the bad ah, sort of.

So you want to be human so you can do karaoke?

I know that it sounds like hubris itself, but, uh, I think I could be a rock star.

I mean, I pretty much know the gig, right?

They all prayed to me.

Except for Amy Winehouse, okay?

Look how that one turned out.

Poor thing.

Any other questions?

Oh, boy.

[CAR HORN BLARES]

[LIGHT MUSIC]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHTER]

This is amazing.

[FOGG CHUCKLES]

- [CAR HORN BLARES]

- Careful!

Whoa!

The world isn't quite gone.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh this is what my neck feels like.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on!

The depository.

Come on.

Hmm.

- Welcome!

- H-hi.

Oh!

Oh!

We're looking for a depository that was, um it was over there.

Eat up.

Yeah, in a sec, but, uh, if you know where the depository is Nobody knows where anything is in the Realm, except for the Emperor.

Dear God.

[CHUCKLES]

This is strange.

It tastes like, uh burning charcoal, hamburgers on a grill.

Popsicles.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Is that bunny staring at us?

[CHUCKLES]

Summer at the beach.

Brown bunny.

Sunglasses.

Beach clue.

I'm trying real hard to give a sh*t, but it just feels so good to be high again.

- Hmm.

- Oh.

I guess we follow him.

[CHUCKLES]

So we all know the thr*at we're facing.

These are Fillory's second greatest protectors against the Takers.

Who can tell me the first?

His Majesty, the Dark King.

Which is why protecting him is the most important job in the kingdom.

His Majesty is immortal, yes, but he is not invulnerable.

Which makes us?

Expendable.

A group of royal map makers won't make it back here till after dark.

And the First Cohort is trapped in a blizzard in Madness Plains.

You wet-nosed whelps are all we've got.

Well, you, me And our glorious leader.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

What are we looking at here?

His Majesty wants the kingdom to witness him saving subjects from the Takers.

These are in almost every room of the castle, most of the taverns, and It's f*cking Fox News.

Foxes all lie.

Who'd ever believe their news?

His Majesty, I'm afraid all we have are the newest recruits.

Who'll learn by doing.

Yes, sir.

With me, recruits.

On three.

Quick step now.

Ready, hup.

Give me a phaser and a red shirt.

- What?

- Yeah, just don't.

[GRUNTING]

Whoa.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

The Binder was annoyed but unsurprised Julia had failed to burn him out of existence, per their agreement.

Look, I just thought maybe we were both a little hasty and, I don't know, maybe I'd keep you safe, let us both cool down.

So can you do it?

The Binder stared at Julia wondering if she'd learned nothing from her interactions with deities.

I don't have a lot of choice here, okay?

If you can't do this, the Earth is doomed.

Hmm, "Again?" The Binder asked bored.

Still, the Binder wondered, "Why on Earth would Julia trust this 'Clarion'?" I don't, but the options here are narrowing.

As a book, the Binder enjoyed any opportunity to teach.

And here was a word Julia needed desperately to understand [CLEARS THROAT]

No.

[SCOFFS]

So are these the same Visigoths that raided cultural strongholds on Earth?

Mm, b*rned the Library of Alexandria, sacked the statuary of Ancient Greece, b*rned Rome, London, Paris, Chicago, where they framed poor Mrs.

O'Leary's cow.

That's around the time they started getting bored and moved into the multiverse.

Okay, I'm sorry about all this, but I need every book you have on the Harmonic Convergence.

We have a vast collection on the other side of that door.

Oh, wow.

Well, my timing is [WIND BLASTS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

How do you do?

I'm Visigoth Overlord Terence.

Apologies for the mess, but recall, I did announce our incursion and asked you most politely to drop all your defenses and surrender, having given my word that you would be absolutely safe.

[SCOFFS]

But the word of a barbarian?

Actually, Visigoths are famous for always keeping their word.

Oh, that's weird.

My dear, if you'd be so kind.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

Sorry, I'm just a little confused here, but you seem Educated?

Polite to a fault?

We seek to acquire only the deepest knowledge, highest art, and most illuminating philosophy.

Is it any wonder a little might rub off?

What about all those inconvenient commandments - about theft?

- Alice, it's no use debating.

Alice, is it?

That's lovely.

Thank you?

We seek only those works that transcend appetite and avarice, that touch upon the immutable.

That's why we spend so little time on Earth anymore.

What's left to raid?

Tent pole franchises?

Jeff Koons?

The, um hoodie?

Visigoths never lie, but they never tell the whole truth either.

I know what you're really after.

[DOORS CLOSE]

The books of everyone Is actually what they want.

Every sentient being's life, birth to death.

Can you imagine?

They could plan the pillaging of every great work before it's painted or written.

Not to mention the stock market.

"Stock market"?

They have a thing about shorting.

They think it's hilarious.

Look, Zelda, I understand how important this is to you, but what's the point?

They're gonna get in here, and this is the only door.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Okay, how about this?

You want to teach?

Teach.

[SCOFFS]

"You?

To turn a goddess mortal?" The Binder inquired, with not a small amount of disdain.

Hmm.

Too tough?

Fine.

Maybe I'll just hand you to her.

Ah, the Binder realized Julia had cornered him with his own credo.

But still, he wondered, what was in it for him?

Well, how's this, paper boy?

Said the Binder "Let the lessons commence.

" [PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC]

Whoa!

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

Oh, oh Socks?

None of them match.

So this is where they go.

[CHUCKLES]

If you see a red and orange argyle, cashmere, size 13, grab it, please.

Oh.

I don't usually say this when I'm this high, but we really need to focus.

Exactly.

Red and orange.

Yeah.

- No, no, we're looking for, uh - Christ!

Uh I don't believe it.

There it is.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

You were right.

Just needed to focus.

- Mmm - [CHUCKLES]

Oh, bunny.

Bunny.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh.

Um, hi.

Uh we're looking for an emperor.

Hey, Kady.

[BURPS]

Hank.

Hank.

I don't hate that.

You know us?

What kind of an emp would I be if I didn't?

You roll into my town, I take a gander at your thoughts, and if I dig ya, I show you the brown bunny.

And I dig ya both.

Congratulations on the first sock.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

How great is Archie, by the way?

- [CHUCKLES]

- Pretty great, once you let it settle in.

And as long as you're here, the high never goes away.

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

Wow.

That's, uh - That's perfect.

- Yeah.

We we really need to find the, uh Oh, Jesus.

The the Depository, Kady.

Right, right.

Uh, can you tell us where that is now?

Sure can.

It won't be free, though.

Even here where everything's fun, there's a price.

Sit.

Have some suds.

This'll take a sec.

What will?

For me to dig deeper into your thoughts, see which one of you gets to leave and who has to stay.

Mmm [CHUCKLES]

The map makers are in there.

[RUSTLING]

Do you hear that?

Oh, boy.

Breathing.

Coming from there.

With respect, Majesty, there.

- [CREATURES SNARLING]

- Guys, there.

[SNARLING CONTINUES]

There, there.

We're surrounded.

You can see them?

I have really good night vision.

My grandpa married a snow leopard, is the rumor.

Sire.

[SNARLING CONTINUES]

Where is he going?

Oh, I've seen that before.

It's a legit royal tactic.

Never fear.

- Shouldn't we get him to the infirmary?

- [CHUCKLES]

With all the newbies practicing during surges, it's like a meat locker down there where the meat's alive until it's not.

- [HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]

- Ah!

Penny?

Get Julia.

Who?

[GASPS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

So our Dark King did he just sh*t the doublet?

[CHUCKLES]

I hope so.

I really don't want to be the only one who does it with [SCREAMING]

[ALL GASPING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[GASPS, SHOUTS]

[CREATURES SNARLING]

[SNARLING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[CREATURE SNARLING]

[CHUCKLES]

That's amazing, right?

I mean, honestly, f*ck Netflix.

That is peak television.

Jesus.

No kidding.

You kick some serious ass for your kingdom.

[LAUGHING]

Pretty cool.

You're both equally awesome, by which I mean, totally f*cked up.

By which I mean, I get you're on a mission.

One of you has got to jet, but either one of you can hang for eternity.

You guys decide.

- I'll stay.

- No, you will not.

Are you kidding?

This place is heroin heaven.

And a billion times better than Isabella Islay single malt.

Look it up when you get back.

I'm staying.

You've got students counting on you.

And I've had it with the g*dd*mn lot of them, all 40 timeline's worth.

I never really knew how sick of them I was until I stopped drinking.

I've earned the right to step off and do Tai Chi with the Elvi.

I want this as much as you.

As soon as he tells you where the depository is [IMITATES BUZZER]

Sorry, Kady, but you just revealed to the entire studio audience that you're hanging onto a thread of responsible intent, which could make you kind of a bum hang in 100 years or so.

Hank, on the other hand Mm!

Is laidback mondo perfectus.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Hey you don't really want this.

Kady, sweet Kady.

I'm sorry I did this to you.

I had no right.

My whole life, all this senseless worry, suffering and pain, both inflicted and received it wasn't for nothing.

[CHUCKLES]

It guided me here.

And you were right.

I am home.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I'll be back, okay?

I promise.

Goodie.

See you soon.

[WAVES CRASHING]

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Use your key.

Go.

I'm not going without you.

I can't.

Do you really want to die for a bunch of books?

[POUNDING CONTINUES]

If I could do it all again I'd be a better mother a truer friend.

[POUNDING CONTINUES]

But I wasn't.

I'm not.

Because I've given my life to this.

It's all I am.

It's all I have.

I can't lose everything.

You can.

Believe me, I have.

[SOBS]

I'm sorry about Quentin But this is different.

No, it's not.

[POUNDING CONTINUES]

Because whoever, whatever you love that gets ripped away from you, it stays alive inside of us and anyone you share it with.

I can't.

I can't.

[POUNDING CONTINUES]

I'm not strong enough.

[SOBS]

[SIGHS]

Stopping her signal is impossible.

It's coming from a place that I can't reach, but I could save him.

Then do it now.

I'll just need you to give me what we agreed to.

- And the rest of it?

- Rest of what?

The part where you save the planet?

You have one thing to trade, Julia, for one miracle.

So your miracle can be to save your boyfriend or your world.

But you could save both.

You know what?

Humans have exploited gods since you guys staggered upright.

The deals that we make need to be strict.

So this deal one book, one miracle.

You're really gonna make me choose?

- The planet or him.

- Yeah.

I know, it's total bullshit, right?

You see why I want to be a human?

Like, I can't feel the melodies I'm goddess of, can't bend the rules I didn't make, eh Don't put this on your kind.

This is you choosing.

But the one who has to choose is you.

I'd say he has about a minute left.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

I feel better.

So why do I feel like something really shitty went down?

Maybe because you're here.

Like all humans, 23 saw little and knew less.

What strange, sad, angry, narrow little lives these humans stumbled through.

Okay, just tell me what you did to me.

I helped you, and now you're going to help me.

The Binder reminded the goddess, he couldn't be forced to do anything he didn't wish to.

Oh, honey, I don't force anyone.

I just get what I want.

Good-bye, Julia.

And for what it's worth, I feel like you made the right decision.

For what it's worth, go f*ck yourself.

[CHUCKLES]

[WHOOSHING]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

That's all of them, sir.

None harmed.

We'll secure the site.

You should go back with the map makers.

It kind of feels a little abrupt, you know?

It kind of felt like he was gearing up to make a big speech.

It was just Wait.

Back inside, now.

Excuse me, sir, but wasn't this a rescue mission?

A super-successful one that's over?

Inside.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

So I-I take it she's the god you summoned, who is not going to save the world for us?

Look, we'll figure something else out.

We've got time.

There's more, isn't there?

Anyone else need a drink?

Look, the signal was k*lling you.

I did what needed to be done now, but she didn't have time to be delicate.

She just She said that the only way was Take away my psychic abilities.

Yeah, 'cause I'm not getting Merritt's signal anymore or Anybody's thoughts here or anywhere.

Wow.

So this is quiet.

It is f*cking weird.

You can't travel anymore.

Technically, I can.

It'd just be like flying a jet blind.

And since I'm not suicidal, I - I'm sorry, Penny.

- No, we just settled a really big spiritual argument here.

There is for sure instant karma.

If there had been more time Come on.

You got to appreciate the balance of it the irony.

I had to make a choice for you.

You had to make a choice for me It is f*cking radiant.

Um Uh this [SIGHS]

This, oh, uh this happened This is because of me.

I didn't see it coming, and I never thought it was gonna get this bad.

Merritt, what could you have done?

I should've told the truth.

My name, my real name, is Plum.

Plum Merritt Chatwin.

- Wait.

- You're a Chatwin?

Wait, what do you mean?

Like the kid's books?

I missed an episode.

I am so sorry.

I was terrified and alone, and being here was the first time I felt safe, but I'm not.

The thing with being a Chatwin is it's like a curse.

It's like there are things coming after you that we just don't understand.

I don't know what this signal is, but I know why it's targeting me, and I am gonna figure out - Whoa, whoa.

Hang on!

Hang on!

- how to fix it.

No, you don't know what that's gonna do.

- [cr*ck]

- [GRUNTS]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

You're right.

Wha [POUNDING ON DOOR]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Funny thing about doing the same thing over and over again you learn how to do it better.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

I suppose that's the true purpose of a library, no?

Ah, your treasured tomes each one a life - a destiny.

- [MOUTHING WORDS]

I'm most curious about who my next few wives will be.

You never know, Alice.

Let's go find our books, shall we?

Something to add, Madam Librarian?

Yes, if you really want to know your future, you better be able to speed-read.

No!

No, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Enter.

[SIGHS]

I was just checking to make sure you were all right.

Thank you for your concern.

I'm fine.

Just a bit tired.

- I can imagine.

- [GRUNTS]

- [GROANS]

- [CHUCKLES]

You were incredible out there.

Maybe once.

Now it's, um What's the m*llitary term?

Holding action.

Nothing but holding actions.

I saw that not all the Centurions returned.

Good night, Seb.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

What exactly are we looking for, sir?

Not what.

Who.

Well, both.

[CLATTERING]

Grab it!

Grab it!

[GRUNTING]

You two know each other?

No.

Then you won't mind taking charge of its imprisonment.

Of course not, sir.

[CAR HORNS HONKING IN THE DISTANCE]

And all the books on everyone are gone for good.

Maybe that means actual free will now and not any of that predestined sh*t.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Or lots of rewrites to do.

Sorry, Zelda.

It's a bad day for everybody.

At least the fires drove them out.

We think they got about half the collection.

Mm, yep, and everything on the Convergence.

So what do we now?

We try and trade with the Visigoths?

What do we have that they want?

I mean, the Overlord kind of liked me.

Off the table.

I read most of the books on the Convergence enough to know it can be stopped.

It's almost impossible but not complicated.

Zelda, please tell.

Oh, of course.

Well, all you have to do is move that.

Move?

The f*cking moon.

[SIGHS]

Well, at least we know where it is.