10x13 - Three Girls and a Little Wharfy

[bunniefuu]

Kids.

Eggs are ready.

They're sunny, runny, and a little funny.

Gene, why aren't you wearing any clothes?

Because, Father, it's Pajama Day at school, and I'm wearing what I slept in last night, which is nothing.

Oh, Pajama Day.

Cozy.

It's Spirit Week at school this week.

Tomorrow's Zany Hair Day.

I might try something really zany.

- Two barrettes.

- Whoa-ho-ho!

Slow down.

Louise, why aren't you in your jammies?

Don't you have the spirits?

Ugh.

I'm not really a Spirit Week person.

Honestly, I think Spirit Week is just an excuse for Mr.

Frond to high-five everyone.

Yeah.

Uh.

There you are.

All right.

- I love high fives.

- Yeah, you do.

Gene, you can't go to school naked.

- You're gonna have to put on some clothes.

- No.

Yes.

Fine, but I'm gonna eat my breakfast first.

Oh, no.

Oh, that feels nice.

Jimmy Junior, - those pajamas are snug.

- Yeah, all of my pajamas were in the laundry.

These are my old ones.

They keep giving me a wedgie.

They are hiking in the Grand Canyon, aren't they?

I like wearing jammies to school.

Come on, J-Ju.

Let me tuck you in.

- Come on.

Oh, yeah.

- Zeke, stop.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Ow, Zeke.

You're biting me.

Fun pajamas, everyone.

Louise, I see you're not participating in Spirit Week.

Yeah, I respectfully say no frickin' way.

Spirit Week isn't just about pajamas and zany hair.

It's about being a part of something.

- No.

- Joining in.

- No.

- And feeling connected to your school and a group of your peers.

- Uh-uh.

- Okay, well, we're just about to have the Pajama Parade.

Would you rather go to the gym and paint Spirit Week banners?

You don't have to have spirit to paint the word "spirit," but we do need those banners, like, yesterday.

- Literally.

I forgot.

- That should go on a banner.

Jessica, should've guessed you'd be here.

You're dispirited.

Sure, yeah, dispirited.

Or cool.

- You could just say "cool.

" - Hey.

- Hey, Megan.

- Megan.

No pajama party for you today?

Nah.

These are my pajamas.

I sleep in my clothes.

Hey, Jessica, I got a bunch of fried dough in here.

Nice.

You guys having a fun, whispery conversation about fried dough?

- Oh.

It's not for us.

- No.

It's for Wharfy.

Wharfy?

You mean the pretend sea monster they used to try to sell T-shirts of at Wonder Wharf?

Okay, she's not pretend.

She's real.

- She?

- I mean, I assume she's a she.

I don't really know, but don't those look like boobs?

It's either boobs, or her butt's on her chest.

Where'd you get this picture from?

Well, I found it on a little thing called "the Internet.

" Okay, first of all, see this pier?

Wharfy hangs out underneath it.

She likes it because it's where people accidentally drop their food.

I get it.

Food's hard to hold.

Right?

That's how I discovered she was there.

I dropped fried dough into the ocean, and she gobbled it up.

You saw a sea monster come out of the water and eat your fried dough?

Well, not exactly, but something big sucked it down in a sea monster type of way.

Yeah, something very big and very sucky.

Jessica, you saw this?

Jessica came with me last week, and we recreated my original fried dough experience.

Okay.

Megan, I don't know you real well.

I mean, you're in fifth, I'm in fourth, but you believe all kinds of crazy stuff, right?

You thought the new lunch lady was Kathy Bates dressed in disguise, studying for a role.

Yeah.

I still think she was.

I got a selfie with her just in case.

And you thought number two pencils are made out of real number twos.

Why else would you call them that?

If you don't believe us, just come with us today after school.

Okay, fine.

I'll come with you today to feed Wharfy.

I'm sure there's a total normal explanation for this, just like there was when that lunch lady left school.

Listen, a movie's gonna come out about a lunch lady starring Kathy Bates in the next year or two, and then you'll see.

What's it gonna be called Fried Green Tomatoes Two: The Tomatoes are Back?

Yes!

That makes perfect sense.

- Ugh.

Megan, Megan, Megan.

- What?

Everything okay, Teddy?

Eh, my mom called this morning.

Her dog's sick.

She was really upset about it.

-Mort?

-Mort?

-What the hell, Mort?

You think a sick dog is funny?

- When it's losing it's fur?

- What?

You're laughing at Teddy's mom's sick dog, and now And it has no fur on the whole back end!

All right, hold on, Teddy.

Hold on.

Sorry, Teddy.

I didn't hear you.

I was watching a video on my phone.

I'm taking a Prominent Professors class.

What's Prominent Professors?

It's a website with a bunch of video classes taught by people, you know, at the top of their field.

"Dancing with Channing.

Learn how to be a real life Magic Mike.

" Nice.

- Wait.

Can you scroll up?

- Oh, okay.

Oh, my God, that's Michel Du Rocher.

Who's Michel Du Shuray?

Michel Du Rocher.

He's a chef.

He's amazing.

I-I read his book.

I mean, it was a cookbook, and I skimmed it, but he's great.

- He's teaching a video class?

- Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, if you want to take it, you can use my log-in.

Really?

That'd be great.

Uh, thanks, Mort.

Sure.

The login is "The Thundertaker," all one word.

And my password is "Urn This.

" U-R-N this.

- Ugh.

- Ugh.

Mort.

- What?

- That's dark.

- No.

- Yeesh.

- Not appropriate.

Let's go home.

These pajamas made me tired all day.

Yeah, I'll meet you guys later.

I got to wait for Jessica and Megan, who are apparently friends now.

Fifth-grade Megan or seventh-grade Megan?

- Fifth.

- Ooh.

The number-two-pencil girl?

I still don't chew my pencils 'cause of that rumor.

Yeah.

So get this.

She said that Wharfy exists.

Wharfy the pretend sea monster?

Yeah.

Jessica's getting mixed up with someone who's mixed up, and I don't want to let that happen.

That's why I'm going with them to "feed Wharfy.

" We're gonna drop fried dough in the ocean.

You're dropping fried dough in the ocean?

You're the monsters.

Okay, this is the spot.

Jessica, would you like to toss this cookie?

I mean, it's fried dough, but you know what I mean.

- Okay.

- Oh, Jessica - What?

- Nothing.

Just throw that dough.

Wow.

That's fascinating.

Should we all go home and be underwhelmed there ?

Whoa!

She was hungry today.

What were you saying, uh, Louise?

What were you just saying right before?

I mean, that could've been a big fish or some kind of weird water suction hole, - or - Or Wharfy?

- Or Wharfy.

- No.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

- No.

- It's exactly that.

No one freak out, but I'm wearing two barrettes.

Ooh.

Someone's taking a walk on the wild side.

I hope this isn't too zany for Zany Hair Day tomorrow.

You'll probably get arrested.

So, speaking of zany, listen to this.

I went to feed Wharfy with Jessica and Megan this afternoon.

Wharfy the sea monster?

That's not real.

No, I know it's not real.

Megan thinks it is, and Jessica maybe, too.

I-I mean, we saw something suck down a bunch of fried dough we dropped into the water.

Yeah, it was probably just a big fish.

That's what I said.

Or it could've been Wharfy.

Wouldn't it be fun if we had a monster in our wharf?

Hi.

I like your shoes.

Wharfy says "I like your shoes"?

Yes, I'm jealous.

Hello.

My name is Michel Du Rocher.

People cook every day, but they don't understand food.

Lin, can you stop?

I'm trying to listen to Michel Du Rocher.

I can't, Bob.

I need to moisturize before bed.

I don't want to wake up looking like a lizard.

Why are you slapping it on?

Because that's how you put on lotion.

I once cooked a meal, and as I was eating it, it made me sad.

So I put it in a box, held a service for it, and buried it, because that meal was dead.

- Hmm.

- What?

So much food in the world is dead.

I had an omelet once in Dubai that nearly destroyed my soul.

I slept for four days after I ate it.

Did you press pause or is he staring at us?

- In our next segment, - Oh!

We will discuss why I eat upside down sometimes.

What the hell is he talking about?

I mean, he's, like, a genius.

Food is dead sometimes.

Yeah, food's dead.

You k*ll it, and then you eat it, right?

Food.

Right, but I-I don't think you're quite getting what he was talking about.

No, I don't think you get what he means.

- I-I'm gonna watch it again.

- Well, that'll be fun for you.

I'm gonna put lotion on my feet.

- Lin.

- Come on, get in.

- Sink in.

Sink in.

- Oh, my God.

Do you think my zany hair is too Nick Nolte's mug sh*t?

It's the perfect amount of Nick Nolte's mug sh*t.

Yeah.

- Hi, Louise.

Nice hair.

- Same to you, Jessica.

Hey, guys.

I like what you haven't done with your hair.

- Thank you.

- I gotcha.

So, I looked up the photographer who took that picture of Wharfy.

Her name's April Buzzby and she owns a soap shop here in town.

You want to go talk to her after school?

About what The straight dope on soap?

Louise, you don't have to go, but we all saw what we saw yesterday.

- I saw my grandmother naked.

- And?

Oh, and Wharfy, yes.

Wait.

How did you see your grandmother naked?

We share a bathroom.

She's not great with towels, or doors or boundaries.

Wow.

Is your grandma my mom?

What can I get you, Teddy?

Garden salad?

I'm joking.

I'll have a burger.

- Wow.

That was fast.

- Oh.

Uh, no, this is for me.

Michel Du Rocher said to sit down alone and take an hour to eat one single bite.

He said to chew with your mind and swallow with your heart.

Gross.

Teddy, I'll make your burger.

Put the meat on the inside, right?

No, I'm just kidding.

I know how to do it.

So, one bite, huh?

Wow.

You got to make that bite count.

Uh, I'm kind of supposed to just be focused on this, Teddy.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh, that's your one bite?

Teddy, please.

I'm not talking to you, Bob.

I'm talking about you to myself.

Can you just not talk at all?

Wow.

First you wave the burger in my face, and now I'm not allowed to talk.

You know what?

I'm eating in the bathroom.

Alone.

Now you get to eat in the bathroom, too?

- Serve mine in the bathroom, too, Linda.

- All right.

Welcome to You Do the Bath.

Can I get you in some suds?

- Are you April Buzzby?

- That's me.

Did you take this picture?

I did.

We have a few questions we'd like to ask.

Girls, that was a lifetime ago.

Now I make and sell savory soaps.

What are savory soaps?

Soaps made out of savory things.

Like meat, cheese, veggies.

Summer Salad is my best seller.

Want to smell?

Smells like salad.

And you could, too.

How come you don't want to talk about Wharfy?

Listen, I don't talk about it because after I took that picture, I became obsessed.

I spent all my money looking for Wharfy, and I went broke.

I finally gave up.

My therapist calls it closure.

But do you really think you saw Wharfy?

I don't think I saw Wharfy.

I did see Wharfy.

It was 30 years ago, and I was at a wedding on the wharf.

It was right around dusk.

I'd had too many Lemon Drop sh*ts, and I needed to throw up, so I went out to the beach.

And that's when I saw it.

Wharfy's head popped right up out of the water.

Even though I was still kind of vomiting, I took that picture with a disposable camera from the wedding.

After I took that picture, I tried looking for Wharfy for years.

I quit my job, I bought a boat, I bought a hat with a little anchor on it to wear on the boat, - but I never saw him again.

- Her.

- Huh?

- Wharfy's a her.

- No, he's a he.

- She has boobs.

- Lots of men have boobs.

- Hold on.

Just to recap.

You were drunk and vomiting when you took this pretty grainy picture.

And we're supposed to believe it's Wharfy and not just a piece of driftwood or something?

Look, I'm not the first person to see Wharfy.

This was in 1942.

Fisherman.

- Mm-hmm.

- And then in 1965.

Whale watch.

- Yup.

- And this is an article about Madonna divorcing Sean Penn.

Doesn't have to do with Wharfy, but it was big news at the time, - so I scrapbooked it.

- Makes sense.

These are just articles.

There are no other pictures.

How about this?

Remember a couple years ago when part of the pier mysteriously collapsed?

- I think so?

- People thought maybe a boat had crashed into it, but they never found the boat.

The only living thing that could have done that was Wharfy.

Okay, I was gonna say "Wharfy" dramatically, - and then you kind of jumped in.

- Sorry.

Sorry.

Well, I'm just gonna say it.

Wharfy.

All right, we got to figure this out.

Maybe the pet store sells a really giant fish net, and we could just scoop her up out of the water like a goldfish.

That's a really good idea.

I love that idea.

- I would do that.

- Jessica.

You guys, I wasn't serious.

But sure.

I guess if we could, I don't know, trap her somehow and get a good look at her or whatever's down there, that would settle this.

Done.

We're trapping Wharfy.

Okay, wait.

We need a boat and a trap.

- I have a boat.

- And I have a badminton net.

We never set it up.

My family's got I-I mean, we're not athletic, so it's better - as a trap.

- I'm sure my therapist will be okay with me jumping back into the obsession that took over my life, right?

Or we don't tell my therapist.

Let's do this.

Let's go tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, no, wait.

Can we go the day after tomorrow?

I'm taking the bar exam.

Soap, not the other one.

Okay.

See you in two days.

Until then, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

So don't eat sprouts and don't talk to the cat on my block.

- You can't trust him.

- I mean, I'll try, but if he talks to me, I'm not gonna be rude.

I was once walking through a market - in Macao - Hey, Dad, can I use the laptop?

I have to do school on it.

Good girl, doing school.

Well, I was kind of in the middle of this.

I was once walking through a market in Macao, and I came across a pineapple.

I picked it up and looked at it.

I felt its thorny, little body.

And for a brief moment, we switched places.

I saw myself staring back at me, and I thought, "That man's gonna eat me.

" And that pineapple was right.

Now he's a frigging pineapple.

- Deep.

- Guys, shh.

Bob, come on.

Give Louise the laptop.

You can be a pineapple tomorrow.

All right, all right, I guess.

But don't stay up too late.

You don't stay up too late.

- Hey, you.

- Hey, you.

Give me a kiss.

Now take it.

And go brush your teeth.

Okay.

"Traps for large sea creatures" is not something I ever thought I would type.

- Hey, Louise?

- Aah!

Who looks more totally '80s?

Me, who's wearing all neon and leg warmers?

Or me, who's dressed as Shirley MacLaine's beloved character Ouiser from the 1989 film Steel Magnolias?

Gosh.

That's a lot of pressure.

What are you doing?

Looking up stuff about Wharfy?

What?

Why would you even ask that?

- Wharfy's not real.

- No, I know.

So, do you?

'Cause you sound crazy right now.

- Okay.

- Well, I'm not crazy.

I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.

Shelby, drink your juice.

Looking for something that might not exist Looking for something that might not exist Looking for it, looking for it Looking for it, looking for it Looking for it, looking for it - Looking for it, looking for it - Oh Looking for something that might not exist.

Louise, we found your note saying to meet down here for an afternoon snack.

- What's that thing?

- I don't know.

But there's a big pile of prosciutto in there, so I have no further questions.

And that's Jimmy Jr.

's sock from my collection of his socks.

I mean, what's that weird sock I don't recognize at all?

Wait, I can't fit through this.

How do we get out of here?

Aah.

How do I get out?

How do we get out?

There's only enough prosciutto for one.

I'll eat the prosciutto, and then you eat me.

- Ha!

- Gotcha.

- The trap worked.

- Why are you trapping us?

'Cause we're testing out a trap for class.

We're talking about traps i-in math.

- Yeah.

Trap-onometry.

- Here, climb out.

Huh.

I don't remember trap-onometry.

Well, I guess I'm gonna go return this sock to Jimmy Jr.

I mean, I don't-I don't know how it got in my desk drawer.

With a bunch of his other socks, all carefully labeled.

Yeah, so weird.

And I'm gonna eat the rest of this prosciutto in my room.

Angrily.

Okay, so we're gonna throw this fried dough in the trap, throw the trap in the ocean, and weigh it down with these rocks.

And, uh, yeah.

And then this could all just be a waste of time.

It's science, Louise.

Science is never a waste of time.

Tell that to the guy in the Operation game.

He's awake through the whole procedure.

Hi, girls.

I forgot what time we were meeting, so I've been here for six hours, but I'm pumped.

I'm ready.

We're gonna find her and my life is finally gonna be vindicated and Ellen can eat it.

- Whoa.

- Who's Ellen?

My therapist.

She's actually great.

Mother.

Theodore.

Wow.

So much khaki.

It was Business Casual Day at school for Spirit Week.

Aw, my little middle managers.

I don't know why I feel really threatened by you guys when you wear those clothes.

You think you're better than me?

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Hey, where's Louise?

She's hanging out with Megan and Jessica.

I don't know what they're doing.

Maybe more math traps?

Math traps?

That sounds fun.

I mean, not really.

- Here's your burger, Teddy.

- What's with the nose plug?

I'm supposed to keep my nose plugged and drink four quarts of room-temperature water to reset my palate.

And then I'll "experience the everything-ness of food.

" I've been peeing a lot today.

Brag.

Actually, maybe I'm ready to taste something.

Here, taste this napkin.

Or a fry.

Your choice.

Uh, I'm gonna do a fry.

Okay, here we go.

- Hmm.

- How does it taste?

It it tastes it just tastes like a fry.

I don't understand what Michel Du Rocher is trying to teach at all.

I don't know how to taste the everything-ness.

Oh, Bobby, you're already great at cooking.

That chef can go sit on some celery.

- I'm gonna go pee again.

- Thattaboy.

Okay, now we wait.

For maybe eternity, right?

What should we talk about?

School?

You guys probably go to school, right?

Yeah.

We're kids.

Right.

That's what I was thinking.

We could talk about Spirit Week.

Just kidding.

I'm glad it's almost over.

Yeah.

Last year I pretended to have diarrhea for the whole week so I wouldn't have to go to school.

I'm actually pretty good at pretending to have diarrhea.

Watch.

Oh.

That's pretty good.

- Like, you thought I had it.

- I did.

- I don't have it.

- No - I swear, I don't have it.

- It-It's okay if you have it.

- Yeah, it's fine.

- No, that would be crazy - for me to do that - Everybody gets it sometime.

Just to prove it.

Whoa, what was that?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I can't believe we really caught a sea monster.

I-I mean, that-that would be really cool if we caught one, but who knows, ha-ha-ha!

I'm pulling up the trap.

I can't believe we're about to meet Wharfy.

How do I look?

- Well, you look like you have diarrhea.

- Eh Your diarrhea face is the same as your meeting Wharfy face.

I know.

Little help, little people.

Bob, you seem sad.

Yeah, there's this chef that I really admire, and I I wanted to be like him, but I don't really get it.

He keeps talking about the "everything-ness" of food, and I don't understand.

He sounds really cool.

Yeah, I guess.

Bob, come here.

I'm-I'm right here, I'm right next to you.

No, no, come closer.

I want to show you something.

Uh, okay.

Now close your eyes.

Wait, how are you gonna show me if I close my eyes?

You know what?

Forget it.

No, no, no.

I-I'm closing my eyes.

I'm closing my eyes.

I'm sorry.

I am the seed, I am the green, I am the rain I am the cow that's eating me But I don't mind 'cause I see that him and her And we and they and he and she are all me It's a good, good morning Everything is dawning now Everywhere I go I see it's all good 'Cause everything I see that's made of meat Is made of me.

Yes!

Yes!

- Bob, you okay?

- Are you crying, Dad?

I was just cooking, and I'm totally getting it now.

E-Everything finally makes sense.

Okay, kids, let's go clean the bathroom.

Together.

- Come on.

Go, go, go.

- Yay.

Almost there!

I think I can reach it.

Hold the line and I'll pull it closer.

I'm pulling you closer, Wharfy.

April, no, it's coming apart.

I got you, Wharfy.

April, stop, you're gonna break it.

No!

That wasn't Wharfy.

- No.

- Yeah.

No.

Sorry I broke the trap.

To be fair, traps aren't supposed to break when you pull on them.

We might not have built it that well 'cause we're nine.

I'm ten.

An old ten.

'Cause I'm 11.

Well, this was a big bucket of bummer balls.

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.

So, yeah.

I mean, that was a bucket of bummer balls.

But maybe we could try looking for Wharfy again, another time?

Why?

What's the point?

Maybe that was just a fish in the trap.

But that doesn't mean that Wharfy isn't still down there.

I mean, when you guys first told me about this, Megan, I thought you were pulling Jessica into a black hole of cuckoo-ness.

No offense.

No, none taken.

Except I-I'm kind of offended.

Yeah, I thought you were, like, psycho crazy.

Okay, now you're just you're continuing to offend me.

But, anyways, I think maybe we could all hang out again and give it another go?

I mean, that wasn't Wharfy, but that doesn't mean she's not out there.

Probably.

I'd take another run at it, I guess.

I mean, I can tell my dad that the badminton net exploded, and he'll get another one.

There you go.

What about you, Megan?

You're not gonna give up, are you?

You know what, maybe Wharfy is sick of fried dough.

Maybe she's trying to eat healthier.

I mean, I get it.

Yeah, it's a possibility.

I'm back in, too.

We could be like a little group.

The Wharfy-ologists.

I could make T-shirts.

Should everybody just pitch in 20 bucks right now?

I mean, we don't have to be, like, a "group" group, right?

That might be a little too "spirity.

" - Yeah.

- Yeah, no.

Okay, geez, we're not a group.

How about this: we're just four like-minded individuals that want to find a sea monster.

And a third husband.

One of us.

Louise, did you have a good time with Jessica and Megan?

Get a lot of math done?

Oh, yeah.

A ton.

Dad's crying again.

I'm-I'm just a little emotional.

I, uh I had an epiphany.

You watch your language.

Psst.

Louise.

Did you and Jessica and Megan find Wharfy?

How did you know about that?

Well, you built a giant trap.

And I also looked at your search history on the laptop.

Tina Belcher, you little sneak.

I'm impressed.

Yeah.

So, what happened?

Eh, we caught a fish.

- Did you have fun?

- Yeah.

Shut up.

Anyone want more potatoes?

Potatoes.

They're so beautiful.

- Wharfy - Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la We looked everywhere but didn't find you at all - Wharfy - Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la It was a great big bucket of bummer balls Are you really there?

Are you anywhere?

Looking, looking for you here and there and everywhere Are you near or far?

You're a local star We have no idea where the heck you are Wharfy Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Wharfy Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Wharf.