10x15 - Yurty Rotten Scoundrels

[bunniefuu]

GENE: What do you call this color again?

- Tangy Red Magic.
- I never want to take it off.

Well, I thought we were gonna call it "Blood Fart."

Okay, guys, no more spa day with the ketchup.

- But what about my toes?
- LINDA: Yeah, come on.

Ketchup doesn't grow on trees.

- I mean, it kind of does.
- What?

Tomatoes grow on plants.

What does that have to do with anything?

(sighs) Never mind.

- (entry bells jingle)
- MAN: Excuse me?

- Are you the manager?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yes.
- Guys. Um, yes.

How can I help you?

My cat, Derby, is missing.

I was wondering if it'd be okay

if I put this poster up in your window?

Oh, uh... yeah, sure.

Aw, where'd you go, kitty?

Did you fall in love with a little doggy and didn't think the rest of the world would understand?

Uh... okay.

Well, please call if you see him.

If my roommate answers, hang up.

He doesn't know we have a cat.

Sure thing.

LOUISE: Cash reward?

Okay, I'm listening.

Art your engines!

Oh, hi, Aunt Gayle.

Um, art your engines to you, too.

Hey, Gayle, why are we saying... those words?

Because I'm doing my art workshop this afternoon.

And, it's called Art Your Engines!

Oh, yeah, that's today.

Wow. Uh, how did you decide on doing that?

I just finished listening to the audio book

The Paintbrush Warrior, which means I've listened to every art audio book there is.

If you can think of a beautiful piece of art, I've heard it.

- Hmm.
- And I realize

I now know more about art than anyone else in the world.

And it'd be a crime not to have a workshop in a yurt.

- There's a yurt?
- Of course there's a yurt.

That's where the workshop is.

- Yeah, Dad.
- Hmm.

I just came by to pick up some cardboard, napkins and some toilet paper.

You know, art supplies.
Linda said I could.

Uh-huh, yep, I got them upstairs for you.

Of course, and I'm just curious, how were you able to have a yurt?

It's at a yurt site. I'm renting it for the day, thanks to Linda.

She's my workshop investor.

- (chuckles awkwardly)
- Mm-hmm.

Get a good rate on that yurt, did you?

Well, it's yurt season, so no.

Oh, Linda, I dropped this rag on the floor.

- Can you help me pick it up?
- Uh-huh, yeah.

Linda, you're doing that thing again where you give money to Gayle for really weird stuff.

It was a loan, Bob.
She might pay us back.

What if she... finds some money on the street?

Hey, Aunt Gayle, you see the missing cat poster?

- Oh, yeah, poor thing.
- Did you take it?

No... I don't think so...

I would though. I'd take that cat in a second.

Okay, so going forward, no giving your sister money for yurts.

Okay, now it's clear.

All right, help me up.

(both grunting)

Ah, wow, thanks for helping me pick up that rag, Linda.

So, Gayle, are you good, or do you need more from us?

- Bob.
- I think I'm good.

I don't need too much 'cause only one person signed up.

- Wait, only one person signed up?
- Uh-huh.

So, it's a workshop with you and just one other person in a yurt?

I mean, one's a lot, right?

O-Okay, uh, I want to sign up, too!

- (yelps)
- Uh, so now you got two people, which is not sad at all.

- Uh...
- I want to go.

I want to get better at drawing horses.

You've been drawing horses?

I thought they were people standing sideways.

I know, I need help!

Oops, I dropped that rag again.

So slippery. Linda, please?

That thing's really getting away from you, huh?

Yep. Don't do this.

It's Saturday... I need you here.

Only one person signed up for her workshop, Bob.

That's so embarrassing.

- I have to go.
- No, you don't.

If I go, I can be like, "Ooh, great workshop."

Lin, you need to stop mothering your sister.

Just let her do this on her own.

I'm gonna let her do it on her own while I'm there.

With Tina, and some idiot who signed up.

Here's the rag!

All right, Tina, let's get ready to go.

- (Bob grunts)
- Wait, if you sign up, won't people be like, "Ew, weird,

Gayle, why's your slightly less attractive sister here?"

You watch your tongue!

Uh, I can pretend to be someone else.

Why would you want to when you've got all of this?

Shush.

- So, what do you think?
- Okay, you can come.

All right!

Anyone else want to come do art in a yurt?

Nope, got my eye on that cat reward.

Hell yeah, but my reward will be getting that cat home safely.

Just kidding, I want that money, baby!

No, if Tina and your Mom are going,

I need you two here to focus on work.

But we're so bad at it.

Speak for yourself! And for me!

All right, Gayle, let's get your stuff and go.

- Miss you.
- Louise, you're not looking for that cat.

- I, uh, forbid it.
- Okay!

Gene, will you help me pick up this rag real quick?

- Mm-hmm.
- (Bob groans)

- We're looking for that cat.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, you two can't be related to me, so who are you gonna be instead?

Uh, I'll be a cool older teen.

- And my name's Lena.
- Okay.

Oh, and my name's Loni, Loni Anderson.

And when people ask, I say, "No, no, the other one."

- Nice.
- All right, you two wait here.

I'm gonna go inside

(singsongy): and prepare!

Heh, I wonder what kind of whackjob signed up for this...

Hey! Hello!

You guys here for Art Your Engines?

Vroom, vroom! (laughs)

- Yep.
- So, is it just us then?

Yeah, how lucky are we, huh?
This thing is so popular.

She only lets three people in at a time.

- Wow, really?
- Oh, yeah.

There's a huge waiting list.
So, uh, how'd you find

out about this workshop?

I was writing in a coffee shop when Gayle came in and yelled,

"It smells like somebody arted, and it was me, but it could be you."

And then she gave a whole spiel about her class, and then she got kicked out, but I found it kind of intriguing.

- (air horn blares)
- (all gasp)

There was once a little girl that tried to paint an apple.

But then, a bear came by and ate her hands.

But that little girl realized you don't need hands to make art, you just need to make art.

And that little girl... was me.

Except my hands were never eaten by bears.

Welcome to Art Your Engines!

Oh... wow, what an intro!

So exciting!

Art! Art! Art!

Art! Art! Art! Art! Art! All right!

And that's how I learned you should open a window when you're using turpentine.

I still get bloody noses when I laugh too hard.

Ooh, what a story! So inspiring!

You're so good at teaching this workshop, heh?

And I don't even know you. (laughs)

Thank you. Okay, introductions.

Let's start with you, person I don't know.

Your name, and why you're here, go.

Well, I'm Loni Anderson...

The other one... and I love art!

And I hear that this workshop is the best.

And so far, so great.

Okay, how about you, girl I don't know?

I'm Lena Baneena, .

I-I'm kind of a prankster, so... (chuckles) look out for that around the yurt.

Um, and if I can get real for a moment,

I'd-I'd love to be able to draw a horse.

Also, there's a huge

- spider behind you, Loni.
- What?!

- Just prankin'.
- Oh. Heh!

How about you, person I really don't know?

Uh, well, I'm Annie Cragston.

I'm a writer. I mostly write reviews online.

Who doesn't? (chuckles)

And I'm here because I'm looking for some, uh, new inspiration.

Also, this is my first time in a yurt, and I just want to say... it's a tent, right?

Yes, a round tent.

Fancy round tent.

Okay, introductions are over.

Now, everyone take your clothes off.

- Oh, uh...
- (laughs) Wait, wha-what?

And get into these smocks... and one sack, 'cause I ran out of smocks.

Regular clothes are so constricting.

Hard to do any real art in them.

Ooh, uh, nice smocks, but, uh, maybe we could still wear our clothes underneath?

Nope. Just smocks, no clothes.

That's how I paint.

And also how I grocery shop.

It's just that I, I have a rash on my butt, and it might be distracting.

And she's probably not prankin', since that's my thing.

Hmm, okay, but I'm still taking my skirt off.

(grunting)

You don't control me, skirt!

Spanx, you can stay.

BOB: Order up, Gene.

Just walk it over this time.

Maybe don't dance?

You dropped too many fries last time.

Not even a little wiggle in my waggle?

(sighs) I guess a little's fine.

Yeah! (grunting rhythmically)

Hey, Louise, I'm here to look for the cat...

Rudy! Hey, my good friend Rudy.

Dropped by for some lunch... I get it.

Got to eat. Food, huh? (laughs)

- Okay.
- Oh, you're pushing me into a booth?

- Um, okay.
- Hi, Louise!

Hey, is that the cat we're looking for?

Whoa, looks like he's got a secret.

And we're gonna get it out of him!

Andy! Ollie! (chuckles)

Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

You guys wanna sit with our good friend Regular Sized Rudy over here?

(laughs) There we go.

Keep your voices down.

And I'm just casually dancing over here now.

Gene and I are trapped in here, but you guys are gonna be our eyes and ears out there.

Fan out... search the alleys, search the streets.

Find the feline, and we'll cut you in ten percent of the cash reward, or better yet, five.

Uh, what if we just write down the phone number and turn in the cat ourselves?

We'd get %.

Hmm, did you... bring a pencil and a paper?

- No.
- So, that's not gonna work,

- is it?
- Damn it.

Gene, Louise, can you come here a sec?

- Absolutely.
- Yes, Papa.

Are you using your friends to look for the cat?

And not do any work at all?

(scoffs) Father, my mind is on my job.

Why are you holding a walkie-talkie?

Why are you holding a walkie-talkie?

Nice! You got him.

(sighs) I miss Tina.

Oh, wow. Great job, Annie.

Your brush strokes are so confident.

Except that one.

Sorry, you were breathing on me a lot.

- Tina!
- Lena.

This is marvelous work, very nice.

- Thanks, Aunt Gayle.
- She's your aunt?

(chuckles) Nah... nope.

Just prankin'.

Oh, Loni, still struggling, huh?

You know what, I'm ready to use paint.

I was sort of expecting to use paint today.

Me, too... maybe like a nice, uh, horsey brown?

You're not ready for paint.

First... we use blood!

Everyone hold out your arm.

Nope! Nope. Uh, what's after that?

- Painting with spit.
- Eh, it's better than blood.

Oh, I can't actually make spit, so...

That's no problem.

I made a whole batch the other night.

Oh, that's great and not gross at all!

(singsongy): Bus, bus, bus, bus, bus...

- (static crackles)
- RUDY: Louise!

Rudy, did you find it?

No. We looked everywhere.

We did find a lovely garden, and the roses were in bloom!

Also, we found a dead squirrel, and I felt nothing inside.

And now I don't know what's going on with me.

Ollie's kind of spiraling.

I don't know how long we can keep doing this.

Rudy, do you know why I put you in charge?

Uh, you're not allowed to go out?

Because you're good at finding things.

- I am?
- Yes!

Remember when you found Waldo?

Oh, yeah, that was a hard one.

The beach scene.

MAN: Excuse me, I don't mean to rush you,

- but I'm bursting out here!
- I'll be right out!

Just working on my... wiping!

Got to go. Stay on the job, soldier.

Good attitude... you'll get it.

Louise, please, no more cat stuff.

I need your help bussing.

Even when you were pretending to bus, you still bussed a little bit, which is better than this.

Yeah, Louise, no more looking for that cat, you ding-a-ling!

- Any luck?
- No.

Sorry about the ding-a-ling thing.

Guys... work now.

We are!

- Work, work, work, work, work!
- (singsongy): Bus, bus, bus!

- Yeah, I'm nailing this.
- I bus your plate.

- And I bus your spoon.
- I'm in a restaurant.

- Work, work, work, work, work.
- Okay.

- Bus your dirty crumbs away.
- Stop singing.

- Where are you going, customer?
- (entry bells jingle)

- Now can we leave?
- Please.

No.

Great spit-painting, everybody.

I think we're ready to use real paint!

But first, I'm gonna have myself a little porta-party.

Meet back here in five?

I gotta go, too. Got room for one more?

- I mean, we can go separately.
- Okay.

-Hmm.
-Whatcha typing? Something funny?

- Oh, uh, what?
- I just noticed you were typing

and kind of smiling to yourself.

Funny text or, uh...
Sorry, I'm being snoopy.

Like that dog, Marmaduke.

I'm just making a couple notes.

Oh, right, 'cause you're a writer.

And, uh, taking pictures, too, huh?

- Oh, yeah. Gotta have pics.
- Right, right.

Well, I'm gonna go join that porta-party.

Excuse me, Annie Cragston.
That's your name, right?

- That is my name.
- And you're Loni Anderson?

- The other one.
- Yep.

Great. So we all got names.

This is gonna sound crazy, but the Porta Potti is a little nicer than the yurt.

What are you doing, texting Dad? Calling a cab?

No, I'm looking up this Annie person online.

There's something about her. Come on, little phone.

I know you don't like getting the Internet, but I need you right now.

Ah, I'm online. Oh, I found her reviews.

Huh, she's got a fun online name.

"The Annie-ssassin."

Cool. She either kills people or sasses people.

"I went to a line-dancing seminar so you don't have to."

- Huh.
- Here's another one.

"I took the worst DJ lessons from DJ Rump Roast so you don't have to."

She's got kind of a thing.

"Glassblowing for singles, more like ass-blowing.

I'd rather get shingles so you don't have to."

Kind of mean-spirited.

It's like she goes to things just to write about

- how stupid they are?
- Yeah.

(gasps) Oh, my God!
Annie's gonna Annie-sass...

(gasps) Annie's gonna Annie-sassinate Gayle.

- Aah!
- (both shushing)

We can't let that blogging b-word post a mean review about Gayle's workshop.

What do we do, call the president of-of the-the Internet?

I don't know, but Gayle can't know her one student is actually here to write a hit piece on her.

It would crush her.

I gotta go talk to Annie.

- (air horn blares)
- (both cry out)

- Did you guys hear the snack horn?
- Yep.

Sorry I took so long in the Porta Potti.

I forgot which side had the door.

Oh, gosh, I love teaching about art.

This really feels like my calling.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're so good at it.

- Everyone thinks so.
- I know. And I'm pretty.

Okay, let's get snackin'.

I brought a bag of fortune cookies.

They're broken because I already took out all the fortunes.

Oh, and a big carrot that was getting a little rubbery in my fridge.

Look at it. (babbling)

Well, someone was hungry.

Wait, I'm supposed to say that after you eat.

I'll be back. Eat the whole thing.

Get ready for a great line.

- Still nothing?
- Nothing.

I'm beginning to think that cat skipped town.

I get it, riding the rails, eating beans... the life.

RUDY: We found it, under the dumpster out back.

Striped tail, little white paws; it's a match.

Oh, Gene, we need to bus this table and take these scraps out to the dumpster so they don't stink up this beautiful restaurant.

Louise, I know you're going outside to feed the cat.

- Please don't.
- Dad!

This obsession of yours with cats and finding them is really sad.

Now I have to get back to work, thank you.

We suggest you do the same.

Someone was hungry.

Eh, it's actually better they're not in here anymore.

Congratulations. All of you are about to use actual paint.

- All right.
- But there's a catch.

(flatly): All right.

First of all, it's crayons.

Second of all, you will be painting out in the wilderness, and I will be sneaking up on you.

Who am I, you ask?

I am a creative block!

(camera clicks)

Don't you think that's enough pictures for one day, Annie?

- Hmm?
- Okay, the creative block is the most terrifying thing you will face as an artist.

Today we will confront our fear of the block and push through.

When you least suspect it, I will come upon you, and I will be screaming, and I will be trying to swat the crayons out of your hand.

Your job is to keep making art!

- I am terrified.
- Good. It's working.

Now go. Scatter! Scatter!

- (air horn blaring)
- (all cry out)

Annie, about those pictures on your phone.

- Oh, crap.
- What?

Ugh, my phone.

I must have dropped it back at the yurt.

Damn it, I gotta go get it.

Oh, I'll go with you.

I can help you look for it.

I better come with you guys, too.

No, Tina, go do workshop stuff.

Keep Gayle busy.

So, just be alone in the woods with not-scary Aunt Gayle?

(nervously): Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.

- (Gayle screams)
- Aah!

LOUISE: Order up for the little kitty.

It's yummy. Mmm, scraps.

Just the way you like 'em, you little scrapper.

- (cat yowling)
- Um, maybe we just leave it under the dumpster and call its owners.

I think that cat might have a Kn*fe.

No, it could run off again.
We have to get it inside.

Come on.

Kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty.
Come on, kitty, kitty.

RUDY: Look.

That's it, that's it.

(cat hisses)

- (all cry out)
- Rudy, grab it!

Me? No way. Andy, you grab it.

Don't, Andy. If you die, I die.

Okay, fine. We'll all grab it. Ready?

(kids shouting wildly)

Oh, my God.

Dad, can I, uh, show you my newest dance move

I thought of outside?

It's called the... the "Look At Me."

- Ah-ha-ha.
- (cat yowling)

Now, look at me, look at me, look at me now!

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Whoa, cool dance, Gene.

Oh, my God, you're all covered in scratches.

Oh, it's nothing. We, uh, jumped into a bunch of thorns 'cause we thought it'd be fun.

- It was as advertised.
- Yeah. (chuckles)

You're giving me some of that reward.

- Ugh, five percent.
- Deal.

- Annie?
- (camera clicks)

Oh, look at that, you found it.

And you're, uh, taking more pictures.

- You're a real camera-fly, huh?
- You mean shutterbug?

Ye... Right. Yeah.

So what are you doing after this?

Anything interesting?

Um, just going home.
Are you hitting on me?

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

First of all, I'm way out of your league.

Second of all, you're not leaving this yurt until you delete those pictures off your phone.

I'm not sure what you're talking about, but I don't love being trapped in yurts by strangers, so I'm gonna push past you now.

- Not with that phone you're not.
- Hey, don't.

I'm not gonna let you do this to Gayle.

You're crazy, Loni. Get off!

No! Give me the phone!

(grunting softly)

- No!
- Let go!

No... no...

- Give it to me.
- Not until you delete everything.

- This is ridiculous.
- Not until you delete...

(both screaming)

You're not gonna Annie-sassinate my sister!

- Your sister?
- Gayle.

- Gayle's your sister?
- Yes, Gayle's my sister.

(screaming)

Let me in, let me in. I don't want to do this anymore!

This is not a prank. I repeat, this is not a... Whoa.

LINDA: No! (crying out)

ANNIE: Ugh. Happy now?

LINDA: Look, I get it, okay?

Gayle's the perfect target for your mean blog.

She's got no business hosting a workshop, but I'm not gonna let you do it, even if today was a disaster and her life's out of control and she's running around the woods wearing a box.

- TINA: Mom?
- What?

- Mom!
- What, baby?

- Tina, is that you, honey?
- Maybe we...

Maybe stop talking?

Why are you telling me to stop talking? Oh.

Gayle. Hi. Crap.

- Gayle, I can explain.
- Is that what you really think of me?

That my workshop is awful, and my life's out of control?

Do you even want to be here?

Oh, I should've known, the way you phoned it in with your spit-painting.

No! No! I'm just an awful spit-painter.

Your workshop is... It-it's great.

I'm still confused. Gayle's your sister?

- Who's that?
- My daughter.

My sister, my daughter, my sister, my daughter.

Ow! Gayle! I'm trying to help you.

I'm sorry I said those things, but Annie's only here to write a mean review about your workshop.

She's been taking pictures and notes all day, and she's gonna post them online and make fun of you.

What?

- That's not true.
- Oh, really?

Annie-ssassin?

Let's see what you've been writing about for your latest takedown.

No! Don't. M-My notes are private.

A-bup-bup! "Feeling really inspired.

"To do, one: write that novel.

"Two: make art.

"Three: get those funky earrings

that you thought you couldn't pull off"?

- What is this?
- Can we stop now?

It doesn't sound as good when you say it.

So you're not writing a mean piece about Gayle?

- No.
- But you took all those pictures of the crazy crap we've been doing.
No offense, Aunt Gayle.

I took those for inspiration.
Not to post. (sighs)

Listen. The old Annie could totally write a scathing piece about this workshop.

- Thank you.
- Scathing's bad, I think.

- Oh.
- But that is not who I want to be anymore.

I don't want to be the Annie-ssassin,

I want to be the Annie-arty.

Gayle has helped me so much with that today.

So you wanted to take Gayle's workshop?

Yes! When Gayle came into that coffee shop and started yelling, she was so uninhibited.

It was inspiring. She's inspiring.

And scary. Scary and inspiring.

You know what? She is. She really is.

I'm sorry I said all that stuff, Gayle.

That I didn't believe in you and your yurty workshop.

It's okay, Linda.

I know it's hard for you, being the non-hot one.

- Right. Yeah.
- By the way, Aunt Gayle, look what I drew in the woods.

Oh, look at that. A caterpillar with hair.

No, it's a horse.

His name is Arturo, and he's wild and free.

My work here is done.
But his name is Preston.

Eh, it's-it's Arturo.

I've left, like, four messages.

Why did you bring this terrifying animal inside?

There's a cash reward.

And a possible key to the city, I assume.

What are you guys gonna do if the owners never call back?

- Don't say those words, Rudy!
- (whimpers)

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm-I'm just allergic to cats, and-and this is a restaurant.

I guess we just keep it in the bathroom forever, huh?

And we start a podcast called What Do We Do Meow?

- Mm-hmm.
- (phone rings)

Hello? Y-Yes, we've got it here.

I... Oh. Really?

Well, that's good.

Uh, okay. You, too. Bye.

Yes! When are they coming?

They're not. They found their cat.

Excuse me?

The cat you guys found is the wrong cat.

What? But it looks exactly like the one on the poster.

I guess some cats look the same.

- That's cats-ist.
- Are you sure it wasn't the cat

- prank calling us from the bathroom?
- Ugh.

Sorry this was a bust, guys.

No problem. It was either this or helping my dad fill up his water bed.

Well, you could use this to make a "found cat" poster.

Will you offer a reward if we find the right owner?

(sighs) Fine.

- Guys, let's go!
- (entry bells jingle)

Hi, kids. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hi. Can't talk. Cat stuff.
- GENE: Move it. I love you.

- Hey, guys. Bye, guys.
- BOB: Hey.

- So, how was it?
- Does this answer your question?

Boom.

Yeah. In a weird way, it does.

You were right, Bob.

I didn't need to mother my sister.

Gayle would've been completely fine without me.

I should've stayed here. How'd it go today?

- (cat yowling)
- Uh, really well.

Uh, maybe don't use the employee bathroom.

Okay.

Um, you know anything about fixing yurts?

Wait, what?

♪ You never know when I'm gonna appear ♪

♪ Might be tomorrow, it might be next year ♪

♪ Either way, expect a loud sound in your ear ♪

♪ I'm the personification of what you most fear ♪

♪ The creative block ♪

♪ I always show up when you least expect it ♪

♪ Your artistic drive? You better protect it ♪

♪ Push through the noise, that's all you can do ♪

♪ 'Cause the creative block is coming for you ♪

♪ The creative block ♪

♪ The creative block ♪

♪ The creative block, the creative block. ♪