03x10 - Something About What Happens When We Talk

[bunniefuu]

Meeting in the beanery.

Now? I got childcare, and shift is over.

Call the babysitter. You're gonna be late.

How late?

Do we know what this is?

We do.

Do we want to tell our team what this is?

Critical incident stress debriefing.

No. Why?!

I'm too tired for head shrinking.

My eyes are starting to move independently of each other.

Uh, I have a baby.

Yeah, I have his baby.

I have a couple of teenagers and a wife who gets mad if I don't come home after my 24-hour shift.

I have... a deep desire to not be here.

Sit down. Thank you. I'd love to.

This isn't my call. It's over my head.

But even if it was my call, I wouldn't let you leave.

Vasquez was on our team.

Captain Bishop, you might want to take your A shift powwow somewhere else.

We have to cook in here, and unless you want us to fillet Gibson for breakfast...

I'd get him out of our sight.

Team.

This is Dr. Diane Lewis.

She's a psychologist and a trauma specialist.

Doctor Lewis, is it legal for our employers to hold us hostage in the gym and force us to talk about our feelings?

No. We don't use the "F" word here when we're at work.

Miller, Hughes, don't push it.

And if it is legal, is it psychologically sound?

Did they lead you here at gunpoint?

Emotional gunpoint. Mm-hmm.

"Mandatory" gunpoint. Mm-hmm.

I swear to God, if y'all don't shut up...

Doctor, I will leave you to it.

So, your battalion chief has a hair trigger temper.

Who wants to talk about that?

I thought we were here to talk about Vasquez.

We're here to talk about whatever needs talking about.

Last year, more firefighters d*ed from su1c1de than in the line of duty.

Whatsamatter?

Big, strong firefighters afraid to use your words?

What kind of therapist are you?

The kind who used to jump out of helicopters and rappel into wildfires.

I know you because I am you.

I know what you see every day.

I know how it feels to lose one of your own.

Vasquez had a pulmonary embolism the day he was supposed to go home.

Now, that hurts me, and I never even met the guy.

So, yes, I am holding you hostage today.

At emotional gunpoint.

Um, am I seriously supposed to do this in the gym?

This is so good.

Are you mocking me?

Mocking you?

No.

I've got a 15-year-old and two pre-teens at home.

Trust me, I love silence.

Love it.

I don't know what you want me to say.

I didn't think Vasquez was a good guy.

Didn't think he was a good firefighter.

He didn't listen to authority, which made him a liability, and he was that way from the beginning, way before I...

Way before you...?

I'm sure you've heard.

I'm interested in hearing your take.

Way before I broke the code.

Way before I made myself a viper.

Way before I lost even my own respect and way before I lost yours.

I'm not here to judge you, Jack.

You used to be a firefighter.

So you're judging what I did whether it's your job or not.

Because that code has been hammered into us from day one.

So, why'd you break it?

I didn't know who she was.

And once you knew, you stopped?

Never went there again?

Why do you think you broke it?

I tried to stop.

Are you a sex addict?

No. No.

I don't know. I don't think so.

So, what was going on for you before you made the decisions you made?

Aren't you supposed to be talking about trauma or something?

Rigo's death hasn't been traumatic for you?

I've lived through worse.

Then tell me about the worse.

I don't get it. Don't get...?

That you quit firefighting so you can sit in rooms and force people to relive their worst memories?

I made a bad drop out of a helicopter and shattered my leg.

I was supposed to be there putting out the fire, and I became the rescue.

The family lost their house and their dog because my team had to come rescue me instead of Aldo.

That was the dog's name... Aldo.

I would hear him barking and those kids crying and screaming for someone to help him every time I tried to sleep.

And the way it was barking at the end?

I don't think it was the smoke that took it out.

I got a pin in my hip, 15 screws in my leg, and a metal knee.

And none of it hurt as bad as the sound of Aldo barking.

It was like... It was like tinnitus.

It never stopped.

Until someone like me came to my bedside and got me to talk.

And the barking got quieter.

And the more I talked, the quieter it got.

So, when my leg never fully healed and I needed a new plan, I learned how to do this.

Now you.

Tell me your worst thing.

I keep thinking about my dad.

I was a foster kid.

Grew up in group homes mostly.

But one year, I almost got adopted.

I had a sister and brother, and I had a mom and a dad.

Had a hard time calling them that at first because it was, you know, weird.

But that's what they wanted me to call them.

He was a high school science teacher, and she was a receptionist in a dentist's office.

I thought they couldn't have kids, but they said they could.

They just didn't want them.

He was preoccupied with overpopulation.

Said it was the greatest thr*at to our planet.

So they fostered us and planned to adopt us.

And...

What just happened?

Hmm?

You were talking about your dad.

I was thinking about a call I went on.

When?

Last Christmas.

You asked about the worst thing.

I think that was the worst thing.

Tree's on fire!

Ma'am? Ma'am! Step away from the tree.

I have to put out the fire! Step away from the tree.

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. Step away from the fire.

Come with me, come with me, come with me.

The tree's on fire!

We've got it under control. Okay?

Calm down, calm down.

The tree's on fire!

The tree's on fire!

The tree's on fire.

The tree's on fire.

Ma'am.

Do you have anyone we can call?

The tree's on fire.

The tree's on fire.

That's the worst call you've ever been on?

Yeah.

Well, you've been at this awhile.

So I'm assuming you've seen... you know... whole families cooked to death.

Yeah.

So, what made this one the worst?

Your name's Diane.

Yes.

♪ Little ditty about Jack and Diane ♪

♪ Two American kids growing up in the heartland ♪

It was the worst call 'cause she was all alone.

She was just all alone in that crappy little apartment.

And somehow, through the whiskey and the loneliness, she got herself up off the couch, and she got herself a tree, and she decorated it with whatever she could find.

But she was all alone.

She didn't have any family photos or anyone to call.

Just that tree.

And her tree b*rned down.

Ah.

Oh, you're not gonna give me a tissue?

No.

No?

Tissues kind of suggest you should wipe your tears away, suck 'em back in.

And I want all of them out.

I'm angry with Gibson for breaking the code.

I'm angry with Bishop for putting him in the field.

I'm a little angry with Sullivan for promoting Bishop over me, but other than that, I'm...

You know, I'm pretty good.

You were a... You were a smokejumper?

Yep. Yeah, that's... that's pretty hardcore.

Not nearly as hardcore as my new line of work.

Yeah. I could never...

Yeah, no, I could jump out of a helicopter into a wildfire, but I could not do what you do now.

Mm, you're a doer, not a talker.

Yeah. Let me guess.

You were a cheerleader in high school.

Dance squad.

Dance squad!

That's even better.

Are you making fun of me?

Why do you all think I'm making fun of you?

Maybe that's a question you should ask yourself.

Is it because I take joy in my work?

Because I like getting to know my clients and it makes me smile and it makes me laugh?

Maybe.

Did you like dance squad?

Not really. I... I preferred salsa.

You can do salsa?

State champion.

You're a state champion salsa dancer?

Seriously?

Well, that takes sex appeal and showmanship and athleticism all at the same time, which is kind of a rare combination.

So, what made you want to jump into fires?

Okay.

Who told you what?

What?

Why are you talking about my sex appeal?

Uh, I was talking about salsa.

Did someone say something about me and Sullivan?

Sullivan the battalion chief?

You didn't hear that?

I did now.

This is like doctor-patient privilege, right?

You can't report me or write down anything?

That's right. Okay, good.

Well, I'm not just sleeping with him.

I'm in love with him.

And now you hate me.

Why do you think I hate you?

Because my behavior is a blight on the plight of female firefighters everywhere.

A blight on the plight?

Now you're mocking me. Only a little.

All right, we're here to talk about Vasquez.

So can we do that? Sure.

Were you close with him?

He's a salsa dancer, too.

Vasquez? Sullivan.

Oh.

He can dance salsa.

And I know I'm supposed to feel guilty.

About Vasquez?

About Sullivan. Okay.

You're supposed to feel guilty, but you actually feel... Yes, I...

Electric! I feel electric.

I feel... awake.

I feel awake all the time.

This man undoes me.

He...

I love him. I'm in love with him.

You know, love all by itself is not electric.

By itself, it's calming.

It gets electric when you combine it with stuff that isn't love.

Rule breaking. Intrigue. Danger.

Mm, so you are judging me.

I'm not. I'm just trying to understand you.

You're angry with Jack for breaking the code, but you're breaking it yourself.

You coin phrases like "blight on the plight," but you keep doing it, and you don't feel guilty.

You feel electrified.

I'm just trying to figure out why.

The plight of female firefighters isn't mine to carry.

Okay. My mother was a firefighter.

Or she was gonna be until she met my dad at the academy and got pregnant with me.

So, your father was a firefighter?

Yes, he was the captain of this house.

And your mother is still...

She d*ed when I was 9.

So you were raised by a single dad. Yes.

You grew up.

Joined the same house your father ran.

And then... you start sleeping with the battalion chief?

Okay, whoa, whoa. This... This has nothing to do with my father.

This has nothing to do with my father.

Are we done here?

No. I think we are.

Talk to me about Vasquez.

Was he your friend?

She's dying! My wife is dying!

Sir, where is she?

She's in the back.

Help her!

Please help her. Please!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

Sir, stop! Stop!

She's choking! Yes, I... I can see that, but she's also wheezing, which means air is getting through.

The Heimlich won't work. You'll just break her ribs.

Okay, ma'am, you are able to get air through, so I just need you to relax.

Do me a favor... I need you to cough.

Raccoon! Raccoon! What the hell?

Oh! Well, the Heimlich's gonna work now.

All right. You got it?

All right.

It's... It's all right.

It's all right, Herrera.

You know, raccoons are... scary little creatures.

I mean...

What were you doing jumping up on a table?

I thought you said I needed a check-up at the hospital.

Shh.

We're... We're gonna get you there, ma'am.

Sorry.

Oh.

I barely knew him.

Hm.

Montgomery?

You're up.

Four alarm fire.

I heard the alarm.

Yeah, when the alarm went off, they were cooking a bunch of stuff for Eva.

For Rigo's widow.

They'll be gone for hours, so I'm going to finish what they started.

That's a nice gesture. But I can't excuse you from...

I'm not asking to be excused.

I'm just asking if we can talk while I cook.

Well, counseling is generally a private conversation.

Probie, b*at it.

Little tension there.

Yeah, he's in the closet, and I have no respect for him.

Okay, let's not...

He has a girlfriend. It's serious.

She has no idea that he cheats on her, even less idea that he does it with dudes.

Travis, stop. We are in a public space.

And if you want to talk about your own issues publicly, I'm fine with that.

But I'm not okay with you outing someone else on my watch.

My pet rabbit likes his cage.

Can I talk about that?

We're doing code words now?

You made the rules. Sure.

Tell me about your pet rabbit, Travis.

Well, he's a sweet rabbit.

A well-intentioned rabbit.

A rabbit that was bullied by his father into working here, and I'm pretty sure bullied into becoming a firefighting rabbit in the first place.

He studied art history in college, and when his adrenaline starts to surge, he panics, which is cute... in a rabbit.

Not super cute in a firefighter.

Okay. The father also bullies him to stay in his cage.

And I don't know if the father even knows that he's a rabbit, but I know that he doesn't see him.

Doesn't let him be who he is.

And I know that he just rolls with that.

Doesn't push back, doesn't fight for the right to be who he is and not be caged his whole life.

And that, it makes me crazy.

And it makes me hate him.

I hate my pet rabbit.

Ooh!

God, it feels good to admit that.

You want to tell me about your dad?

Why would I want to do that?

You're out.

You're an openly gay firefighter.

I honestly think you might be the only one in the city of Seattle.

You're the only one I've met.

So... it's not that your pet rabbit is such a backwards rabbit.

It's that you are braver than most.

We run toward fire for a living.

Mm-hmm. Brave is a prerequisite.

Yes, and I'm saying that you are braver.

How does that make you feel?

It's 2020.

When I was a kid, 2020 felt like the oldest the world was ever gonna get.

I thought there would be flying cars in 2020.

I shouldn't have to be brave to be out of the closet in 2020.

You shouldn't have to be, but you do.

You do.

And you are.

Why is that so hard to take in?

My husband was an out, gay firefighter.

Got it. So there were two.

You're exaggerating.

Not by much.

Why don't you want to acknowledge how brave you are?

Why would you rather think of your pet rabbit as a coward than own your own strength?

How did your parents react when you came out?

Was it easy? Were they supportive?

Can we talk about something else? Sure.

Why'd you become a firefighter?

Because I had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and an underdeveloped interest in the family business.

What was the family business?

Irish pub, and I could never hold my drink.

Also I got r*ped in the backroom when I was 17, and I didn't want to go there after that.

I thought you said this was a public space.

You think I should keep it a secret that I got r*ped?

I don't have shame about that.

The r*pist is the one who should be ashamed.

I hope he is. I hope he learned something.

I hope he didn't do that again.

I've had a fair amount of therapy, and I have never had a therapist...

Disclose her personal history?

Yeah, typically, we don't.

But with firefighters, it's hard to get people to talk if I don't do some talking myself.

So I tell you my story in the hopes that you will tell me yours.

You want me to tell you why I became a firefighter?

Unless there's something else you want to talk about.

Hurry up! I don't want to be late for the show.

Dammit, Janet!

I don't understand how women wear these shoes every day.

Yeah, but your legs do look good.

My legs do look really good.

Help!

He's gonna k*ll me!

Somebody help me!

Travis, no! Call the police!

You call. I'm going in.

What are you gonna do? Blind him with your high heel?

I don't know! Call 911!

Help me! Help!

Help!

Hey! What the hell?!

Get away from her. Who the hell are you?!

Get up. Run.

Get down, Jane!

Oh, my God!

Run!

Wait.

You were dressed...

As Frank-N-Furter from "Rocky Horror Picture Show."

And you... you half-nelsoned him?

Yeah. I mean, it wasn't a big deal.

I wrestled in high school, and that guy...

I mean, men who b*at women are just cowards.

But, you know, it gave me a taste for the hero thing, I guess, and I never looked back.

You did it again. Did what?

You dismissed your own bravery.

You are a straight-up hero in that story, Travis.

How many people do you think would shoulder their way through a door instead of just calling the police?

In drag, no less.

She could have d*ed if I waited for the police.

Yeah, your friend didn't go in.

Dammit Janet? He didn't want to mess up his makeup.

Travis.

Why is it so hard for you to acknowledge who you are?

Who gave you so much shame to carry?

I'm not ashamed.

Right. You're not ashamed.

You're just not all that brave.

And then when you are brave, it's not that you were brave, it's that everyone else is a coward.

Do you know how many men would like to try drag but can't let themselves? It wasn't drag.

It was "Rocky Horror Picture Show."

Do you know how few gay firefighters, gay cops, gay soldiers will ever come out of the closet?

Do you know how few human beings will tackle the men who are b*ating their wives?

You are brave. You are fierce.

And your pet rabbit is just a guy figuring things out.

He's not on your level.

Doesn't make him a monster. Doesn't make him a coward.

It makes you extraordinary.

I'm sorry. I'm just, uh...

I'm sad Rigo d*ed.

You're in the club.

Which one?

Changing careers midstream club.

I might be the president of that club.

Oh, I am definitely the president.

I mean, you can be my VP.

Haven't we had enough male presidents already?

Hmm. True. Okay, I'll... I'll be your VP.

Uh, how many careers have you had?

Only the two.

Unless you count bartending, which I did for most of my twenties.

How many careers for you?

Oh, a lot. A lot.

But I found a way to pull them all together.

Ah, I heard.

The whole department's talking about your, uh, DRT.

Oh, PRT.

It's the, uh, Physician Response Team.

Mm, surgery on the side of the road.

Exactly.

Incredible.

You miss fighting fires?

Yes. Yes.

And there's nothing to say I can't do it if I'm needed.

But, you know...

You have a finely honed skill set that was going to waste.

Exactly what my wife said.

Hmm.

Yeah, she wishes you still worked in a safe, quiet hospital.

Oh, very much, yes.

I get that.

I married a firefighter once.

I wouldn't ever do it again.

Really?

Even thought you were a firefighter yourself?

When I was fighting fires, I was always thinking about the people I was saving.

But when my husband was fighting fires...

"Was"? Divorced, not dead.

When he was fighting fires, I was always worried about him.

It's a sickening feeling.

A powerless, awful feeling.

Okay.

I'm saying to you all the things your wife isn't saying.

Is it helpful?

Mm...

Not really.

Because you know how scared she is and you're not prepared to change your life.

No, I... I did change my life.

I... I created the PRT.

Okay.

Look, I... I saved Rigo. Mm.

Like, I was there on the scene.

It was my first day with the PRT.

And if I hadn't been there, he never would have made it.

I mean, he wouldn't have lived the day.

I saved him.

You know, and then...

And then?

He threw a clot.

Which is kinda like God's "screw you" to doctors like me, with God complexes.

He was sliced open by shrapnel, he was bleeding out, and we used every single thing we knew to put him back together.

He was up, and he was talking.

I went to see him. He thanked me.

We joked, we laughed. He said it hurt to laugh.

And I left there patting myself on the back.

And then God laughed.

Do you believe in a punishing God?

No.

Sounds like you do.

Yeah, look, I don't... I don't know what I believe.

I did Sunday school when I was a kid, and they always taught us that God rewards the righteous and punishes the wicked.

But the stuff I've seen since I've been working here?

I mean, what, is everyone wicked?

Does everyone deserve to be punished?

Did Rigo?

Did I?

When were you punished?

My wife was having a baby.

And then just like that... she wasn't.

Hmm.

And my wife, she... she is not wicked.

She just brought home a 17-year-old foster kid.

She's like some kind of saint.

So... it's your fault she miscarried.

If God was punishing the wicked... you're the wicked?

I don't know you very well, so I need to try and get a handle on this before I can decide if you're wicked or not.

What's the angriest you've ever been?

Oh, man.

Keep your hands on the wheel, where I can see them.

They are on the wheel, Officer. Uh, was I speeding?

Let me see your hands! Officer, my name is...

Okay, get out of the car and keep your hands up!

My name is Ben Warren, and I'm a firefighter.

Get out of the car now.

Now lie facedown on the ground.

Do it!

Now show me your ID.

Okay, I'm gonna reach for my back pocket.

May I reach for my back...

Show me your ID!

Taillight's out.

Better get that fixed.

I'm not just a firefighter.

I'm a surgeon.

I'm a husband, man. I'm a human being!

I am a human being, and you just had me lie on the ground at your feet!

How many days did you spend planning that cop's m*rder?

Oh, I had a few revenge fantasies, I'm not gonna lie.

Good.

And what did you do?

I went home.

Hugged my wife and my son.

And then I called the Chief of Police and the city council, and I reported my experience.

I requested the officer receive suspension without pay and the unconscious bias training.

And then I made a monthly donation to the ACLU.

What's the opposite of wicked, again?

From Sunday school?

Righteous.

That's what you are.

Hughes.

Wanna join me in the Captain's office?

Can I go first?

I have a baby, and I've already been away from her for, like, 28 hours already.

I'm fine with that.

Okay.

And I don't need an office.

Anything I need to say, I can say in front of Vic.

I should say no to that, but my gut says okay.

Why should you say no?

Because protocol. Yep.

And what does your gut say?

That there's something you want her to hear and that's the only way you're gonna say it.

Yeah, your gut's wrong.

I just want to finish my workout.

g*ns like these don't grow on trees.

What's your baby's name?

Pruitt Arike Miller.

Pruitt?

Yep.

Yeah, we call her Pru, but she's named after our old captain.

And Arike?

It's a Nigerian name. Of the Yoruba people.

That's my mother's tribe.

It means "cherished one."

And is your mother pleased with the name?

Well, my mother won't meet her.

She won't meet her because?

Because she has a very specific idea of how I should live my life, and having a baby out of wedlock, it ain't it.

So, your mother won't meet the baby.

What does that mean for you?

It means that my father won't meet her, either.

It means that I've disappointed them beyond their lowest expectations.

It means... they're cutting me off. What?

Sorry, what? Um...

Sorry. I'll be quiet.

They're cutting you off financially or emotionally?

Both. When did they tell you that?

Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Hang on, just so I'm clear, are you two friends?

Or are you a couple?

Friends. Friends. I'm just helping him with Pru.

And I... I moved in, and we take it in shifts.

It's... You moved in?

She needed a place. Yeah, I needed a place.

But you're just friends. Yeah.

Why is that so hard for everyone to believe?

Who's everyone?

Her boyfriend.

My ex-boyfriend.

He broke up with me 'cause I moved in with Dean, and he doesn't believe there's nothing between us.

He broke up with you because you moved in with him without telling him and then you moved in with me without consulting him.

Why are you taking his side?

I'm not taking his side.

I am your friend...

Okay. I am.

And as your friend, it is my job to tell you the truth, even when you don't want to hear it.

And I am not gonna be your yes man specifically because you're, I don't know, the closest thing to family that I've got anymore.

I mean, I... I have a sister, but she's in Chicago, and she's a lawyer, she's working 80 hours a week.

A miserable profession that my parents approve of.

I hate them.

You don't know them.

And I don't hate them. I can't.

When I was a kid, my mother, she'd walk me to school every morning.

And the kids, they'd, uh... they'd call us names and they'd make fun of me because we looked different and because she sounded different, and she'd pull me aside.

She'd look me right in my eye, and she would say, "We are Nigerians."

You know? Mm-hmm.

And that...

There's a lot of pride in that.

And such high expectations.

So to my parents, there are literally four careers... a doctor, a lawyer, a banker, and a disappointment.

I crushed her when I became a firefighter.

That's what my mother said.

Those are the words that she used.

She said I crushed her, and I brought her so much shame, and I couldn't understand how my choices could've brought her so much shame, and now I do.

Because it's exactly what her choices are doing to me.

I feel so much shame.

For her.

'Cause she won't meet my little girl.

My perfect little girl with her perfect little fingers and her perfect little eyes, and my mother won't know her.

And I don't hate my mother, but shame on her.

Vic, I need you in my life.

I don't want you to move out.

Pru and I are grateful for you every day.

But there's something that has been on my mind that I've been wanting to say, and, uh, I'm not gonna hold my tongue just to make you happy or because I-I need you to stay.

Fine.

I think you loved Jackson.

I think you sabotaged things with him because you feel guilty about moving on from Ripley so fast.

And if you were my girl and you pulled what you pulled, I'd have ended it.

I think you should fix things with him because I don't want to be the reason why you're brokenhearted again.

My best friend when I was in college was a 90-year-old in my grandmother's assisted-living facility.

Mm. His name was Milton.

And way after my grandmother didn't recognize me anymore, uh, I would go and visit him.

Do you think that's weird?

No.

So we would... we would laugh and play cards, and he would give me excellent advice about my life because my parents were always working, so I couldn't ask them for much.

So, when Milton d*ed, I cried a lot for a while, and then I made a new best friend.

I didn't feel guilty for moving on from him.

You think I should've? No.

And when my fiancé d*ed... not that long ago...

I don't feel guilty for moving on so fast.

I feel relief from the unbearable pain of losing him.

Do you think that makes me... wrong?

Or bad? Or shallow?

Do you think it does?

No.

Then no.

I didn't sabotage it with Jackson.

I just didn't ask his permission before I moved in with a friend.

And I think you're a little backwards for thinking I should have.

And I won't move out because you told me your truth, but I hope you won't kick me out for telling you your truth is stupid.

Okay.

I feel better.

Thanks for the therapy.

I feel better.

Sorry about your parents.

When we fall in love with our friends, we often try to fix them up with other people.

It's common.

But be careful.

Okay, I'm... I'm sorry.

What... What are... What's...

If you tell her you love her too soon, you could blow the whole thing.

And for the record, my gut is never wrong.

Dr. Lewis, why do you think I did it?

Why do you think I broke the code and lost even my own self-respect?

Only you know the answer to that.

I'm interested in your take.

We got one hour together, Jack.

I would be irresponsible to presume to...

Dr. Lewis, you're a firefighter.

You think fast. You have a take.

Even after just one hour.

Give me your take.

You had a family for one year when you were a kid.

You had a dad and a mom and a sister and a brother, and I'm picturing a white picket fence.

You did years alone on the streets, in group homes.

And then for one shining year, you got the opposite.

You got a family.

For the first and only time in your life.

Until you joined this family.

A fire took your family away from you back then.

So your body is wired for that particular pattern.

Comfort and love are followed by sudden and shocking loss and loneliness.

Eva was the fire, and I b*rned down the family.

This family is still alive, Jack.

But Rigo isn't.

Look, trauma wires us for certain patterns, and until we name them and heal them, we'll find ways to relive them, which, in my humble and limited estimation, is why you broke the code.

But it's not why Rigo d*ed.

By all accounts, Rigo didn't follow orders.

His own psychology got him in the end, not yours.

Take care of yourself, Jack.

I'm here if you want to talk more.

So, lay it on me, Dr. Lewis.

How are we doing as a house?

I'm not looking for confidential information.

I just want to know how everyone's taking Rigo.

How are you taking Rigo?

I put Rigo and Jack together that day.

They wouldn't have been at each other's throats if I'd made a different call.

Well, I can't divulge what's been discussed in session, but I can tell you, that's not your team's narrative.

I'm a horrible person.

Because you believed your team when they said they could handle their issues in house?

Because a man d*ed and all I care about is how it reflects on me.

Eyes forward. Hm?

That's the rule that was pounded into me.

Eyes forward at all times.

The only thing that matters is the finish line.

I think about dying.

Since Rigo?

Since I was 12.

It soothes me. When I can't sleep.

When I'm anxious.

I think about dying, and then I can fall asleep.

Eyes forward at all times. It's exhausting.

I'm exhausted.

Is it a suicidal impulse?

Do you seriously consider hurting yourself?

No. No, it's...

You know, it's an escape.

When I was little, I would fly all over the country for track meets, and I would look down at the clouds, and they looked like a bed. Mm.

You know, they looked so soft.

Like nothing could hurt inside those clouds.

Like I could sleep in. Like I could rest.

Like I could... love, if I could just jump into those clouds.

Truth is, I'm a little bit jealous of Rigo right now.

Who taught you eyes forward?

My father.

Have you considered the possibility that he was wrong?

Maya, isn't it possible, with everything else you've accomplished, that you could learn to let yourself rest and sleep and love in this life instead of waiting for death to set you free?

Mrs. Vasquez, I know I didn't know Rigo all that well, but I just... I wanted to say that, uh, I'm so sorry.

We are... so sorry.

I don't want to be a widow.

I don't want to never see my husband again.

I don't want this.

I...

I don't want this food.

Who's there?

Uh, Seattle Fire Department.

Yes? Is there a gas leak or something?

Oh, no, ma'am. I, uh...

I brought you groceries.

You did what, now?

I thought you might be hungry.

I'm Jack Gibson.

I-I was here when your... your tree burnt down.

I put it out.

Oh, holy hell, that was a night.

Yeah. It was.

You put it out?

I did.

You brought me groceries?

I did.

That's awful nice of you.

Come on in.

That's dope. All right.

Hey! Hey, y'all got room for one more?

Hey! Yes, sir. Yeah!

Sir? How old do you think I am?

All right, yes, Ben.

All right, that's better.

Oh! Oh. Oh!

Right back. I'm going, I'm g...

Oh! No way!

What you got?

Oh! Oh!

You know, I was thinking...

Hmm?

Uh, could you take some days off?

Could we try to go somewhere?

I thought you have to work.

I have some personal days saved up.

How many? Uh...

Like a hundred, maybe?

I-I don't take days off. But...

But I would like to try.

Yes.

Yeah? Yes!

Really?