11x16 - I'm Going to Miss This

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Modern Family". Aired: September 2009 to April 2020.*
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"Modern Family" follows three different, but related families as they give us an honest and often hilarious look into sometimes warm, sometimes twisted, embrace of the modern family.
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11x16 - I'm Going to Miss This

Post by bunniefuu »

Aww, goodbye, drawer dedicated to batteries and takeout menus.

[GASPS] And goodbye, wall dent, from when we thought Lily was a trombone prodigy.

- [GROANS]
- Mitchell!

That was your last eye roll in this house!

You know what, when the new baby comes, can you not do it as much?

Because, you know, you did it around Lily a lot, and...

[SCOFFS]

Okay... hey, hey, no, no, no.
Don't throw those away.

I-I might want to use those for my big baby reveal to the family.

If he's bald, I can do a whole Elton John thing.

Not only are we moving, but we're adopting a baby that's due in two weeks.

And that is stressing me out because eleven years ago, I revealed Lily with "The Lion King," and there's a lot of pressure...

- Self-imposed.
- ...to top myself.

So, I've been workshopping a few ideas.

I hope everyone here likes... baby! [CHUCKLES]

I can see that taking everyone's breath away, no?

Uh, I'm more concerned about the city taking our baby away.

♪♪

Okay, the repair guys are gonna be here in five minutes.

[SIGHS] I can't believe I'm saying this, but we might actually be getting away with...

- Hey!
- Hey! What are you guys doing home?

Yeah, I thought you went to that beach cleanup.

Well, we tried, but the beach yoga people wouldn't even move a hundred feet down.

You'd think they'd have been a little more flexible.

Oh, Phil.

The good news is, we're back and we are here to help you set up for the twins' Easter party.

Um, we're good.

Anyway, we got this covered.

And you guys had such a long morning, why don't Gamma and Grampy grab a nap so that they're fresh for the party, huh?

Okay. [CHUCKLES]

- Okay.
- But I...

It's all good. We got it.

Last weekend, Mom and Dad went to the artichoke festival in Monterey.

And Dylan's mom had the twins, so we took the opportunity to have a little party, just to see if we still had it in us.

We did.

- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
- I'm trackin' the pizza guy, the pizza guy, the pizza guy!

His name is Ibrahim!

Don't forget the garlic knots, garlic knots, garlic knots!

Yo! This party is the GOAT.

Greatest of all time.

I'm Doug, your across-the-street neighbor.

I was just curbin' my bins, heard the party noise, thought I'd join up.

Want a refill on that?

There is no scenario where I accept a drink from you.

Lit.

Nice to see the Dunphy name still carries some party clout.

- Ah!
- [GROANS]

You know, we're running low on jungle juice.

Just soak it up with a towel and wring it back into your cup.

Mm. Okay.

[LAUGHING] Cool!

What kind is that?

Uch. Can I have one conversation tonight without someone asking me about my snake?

- [THUD]
- Ohh! Good Lord!

- What happened?!
- I slipped on that drink you spilled.

Oh! Hurt my ankle really bad.

I mean, I don't want to sue you,
but I don't really see any other option.

Do you?

So now I work for Doug.

Hey, everybody!

Ibrahim has arrived, has a...

[SCREAMS]

[PEOPLE GASP]

Don't stare at it! Put it out!

♪♪

We made some temporary fixes and scheduled repairs for today, when Mom and Dad said they'd be at the beach.

Then they came home early.

It's just hard when you can't trust family members.

"Don't Gamma and Grampy want to take a nap?"

That's not insulting to you?

- [SNORING]
- Phil.

- Phil!
- I... wasn't sleeping. I was listening.

And g-good for you. That is...
That is a lot of steps for one day.

I was talking about the kids.

They're treating us like actual grandparents instead of the... the... premature grandparents we clearly are.

I'm the only one in my aqua aerobics class who doesn't need two noodles. [CHUCKLES]

I put the eggs in a cute basket for the Easter egg hunt.

- I saw it in a magazine.
- Cute.

- CLAIRE: Haley.
- Oh, no.

Honey, your dad and I didn't feel like taking a nap.

Why don't you give us a job for the party?

Uh, well, we could use some help dyeing these eggs.

But why don't you change for the party first?

- Oh, good idea!
- Yes!

Phil, wakey, wakey!

Okay, we got sixty seconds, people.

We gotta move fast. Come on. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

- [INDISTINCT TALKING]
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Come on, move faster!

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Would you hurry it up a little bit?

Oh, come on!
Get out of here now! Go, go, go!

Thank you so much.
I love you guys so much. Bye!

Okay. I think we actually got away with it.

- Oh, no.
- I have to stop saying that.

That dude from the party said that his python was pregnant.

Do you think those could be her eggs?

Oh, my God!

Is one of them hatching?

- That's so disgusting!
- Ohh.

We have to cancel the party!

What? No way! We just got back in with this parent group after our daughter's biting spree.

If they didn't love their kids being gummed by an adorable toddler, I don't think they're gonna love their kids getting punctured by a python!

Calm down.

Snakes lay all their eggs in one dark place.

I've got them all here.
I'm gonna run them by the pet store.

Oh, my God. Is one of them moving?
Get them out of here.

They're so gross.
Gross, gross, gross, gross.

[GROANS]

Hey, where you running off to, little buddy?

And where are you running off to, big buddy?

Hey, stranger!

Going out again?
I barely see you these days.

I'd love to hang out, Jay, but I've got a wine club meeting.

What, are you into wine? I love wine!

- Okay. See ya.
- Wait a minute!

I'm gonna open a bottle later on.

Why don't you bring one and we'll have a little tasting?

I guess I wouldn't mind that.

I'll stop by the store on my way back.

While you're there, would you be a prince and pick me up a soda?

I've got homework.

Where'd you get a fifty?

Don't worry about it.

GLORIA: Welcome to your new house!

I don't remember this room feeling so stark and cold.

Luckily this is a smart house.

Adam, warm light mode.

- [BEEP]
- ADAM: Initiating.

- Oh!
- Oh, no... no!

No, that just brings out the molding around the windows.

I... Does it feel like we're in a nursing home?

Adam, party mode!

- [BEEP]
- Initiating.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, God. No!
No, that's... that's even worse.

I'm... I'm sorry, I just...

I don't feel like I've ever been in this house before.

- [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Adam, I swear to God!

- [BEEP]
- Initiating.

Did we just make a huge mistake?

Mitchell, you know you hate change.

Remember when you shaved your beard?

You screamed in the mirror, "Oh, my God, you look hideous!"

That was you.

I mean, you have been a crab all day long.

How do you know?
You haven't even been around us!

I took a crazy guess.

Look, this is buyer's remorse.

I learned that from my mentor, Phil Dunphy, and I know how to fix it.

Come with me if you want to live... in this house... and not be a bummer to everyone.

Lily, you need to help me start unpacking.

We need to work on my baby reveal.

Adam, thinking mode.

- [BEEP]
- Initiating.

[SERENE MUSIC PLAYS]

I know it sounds crazy, but it works.

In order to accept the new house, you have to properly say goodbye to this place.

Okay, I'm not talking to a house. Okay?

And... And why are the movers just sitting out there?

Don't worry about them.
I'll handle them.

I used to be a mover.

I kind of fell into it when I helped an ex-boyfriend steal his brother's refrigerator.

Okay, wait, so you've been a cab driver, a hairdresser, a spokesmodel, and a mover.

I-Is your life real?

Is anything real?

That was a question that I asked myself when I was a philosophy professor.

Now, say goodbye to the house.

Tell it how much it meant to you.

Be honest with each other, like two lovers that know that the time has come when they must part ways.

Okay, well, usually, I would just take my gym membership off his keychain and then introduce him to my mother.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, house.

Hey, you humps!

We're paying you by the hour!

We're on a coffee break, lady.

Oh, don't give me that.

I used to do your job.

And this attitude, this is why people hate movers.

That and all the stealing.

Whoa! You think you can do better?

[CHUCKLES] I hate to burst your bubble wrap, but I know I can.

We actually double booked today, so this works out.

- Have at it.
- Oh, no, no, no, no! Ay, wait!

Come back, humps!

LILY: What are you doing with the cat?

Okay, don't worry. On the day, I will replace Larry with the baby.

Once the family is all seated around the table, I'll undo the security rope and then let the baby hover above the table for all the family to marvel at.
[CHUCKLES]

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Wait. Phone's ringing.

- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- Hello?

Yes, speaking.

What?

[LARRY MEOWS]

No!

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, honey, did you just take a sip from the paintbrush water?

[CHUCKLING] I think I'd know if I did, Claire.

Oh! This must be the grandparents' table!

- I wouldn't say that.
- No, I d... I don't think...

These are the kids' grandparents, Gamma and Grampy.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm Meemaw. This is Bobo.

Have you met GimGim and Mimsy?

Oh, you know what?
Why don't you take our seats?

I think we're at the wrong table.

Oh! My back!

Oh, it happens to me all the time.

Oh.

I'm gonna get you the name of these shoes.

Doug, I have cooked for you, spray tanned you, taken two of your sign spinning shifts.

Are we seriously not even yet?

I think you're making too big a deal about this.

I just need you to dress up like Harley Quinn and give a foot massage to the winner of my game night.

Don't worry.

I'm gonna win.

And get this, Gerald fell again.

Wrist this time.

That man's got more pins in him than a tailor's mouth.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

He never learned how to fall the right way.

- Too proud.
- Wait, there's a right way to fall?

Really? A follow-up?

Resist the temptation to break the fall with the hands.

Land on your bottom.

Aim for the meat, not the bone.

Oh... Mimsy!

[GUESTS GASP]

See? Good as new.

My dear husband, such a gentleman.

He always opens the bathtub door for me.
[CHUCKLES]

Yeah. Would you excuse us just a second?

[LAUGHTER]

'Cause she was.

It's not good.

Oh, totally!

We're just remembering something that happened on our last Negroni crawl in Frogtown.

Oh, Frogtown!

- Oh, "Bird on a bird!"
- "Bird on a bird!"

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, you all got the TikTok invite

Bridget from Quibi sent out for her matcha pop-up on Thursday, right?

- You guys down?
- Oh, yeah, that sounds... frosty.

[SIGHS] Small hiccup.

When I got to the pet store, I was down one python egg,

- which means...
- There's one still here.

Yeah, and I just checked the living room, and it's not there.

Okay, nuggets! Everyone outside!

It's time for the egg hunt!

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

Hey. Small hiccup.

Now it's time for the bottle I brought.

Unh-unh-unh!

Fresh glasses.

This, my friend, is a Chateau Trotanoy.

You might want to cinch your belt up.

It's liable to blow your trousers off.

Mm.

- It's nice.
- "Nice"?

I understand why you would like it, but... this is what my wine club friends would call "an obvious choice."

I get it. You haven't developed a taste for fine wine yet.

Um, I hate to say it, but I probably know more about wine than you do.

Two months ago, you couldn't drink rosé unless it was mixed with Snapple.

There's only one way to settle this... are you up for a little blind taste test?

Bring it.

Joe, go to the wine cellar, pick out five random bottles.

- We have a wine cellar?
- What's a wine cellar?

MITCHELL: You were my first.

And we'd both been through so much.

I mean, I was neurotic.

You had a-a bathroom off the kitchen.

But we both found each other.

[SNIFFLES] Anyway, I...

I-I-I feel like, um, I have to say something.

It's not you. It's... It's me.

[VOICE BREAKING] I just, um...

I need more space.

But we could still remember the good times.

Um, like... like when I first moved in and all I had was that boombox.

Yeah, um... what do you say? Yeah.

Huh?

One more time?

♪♪

♪ Now I've had the time of my life ♪

♪ No, I never felt like this before ♪

♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪

What do you say? Huh?

Takes you right back, right?

To Valentine's Day ... and four.

♪ And I owe it all to you ♪

MITCHELL: Gloria was right.

Once I said goodbye, I was able to embrace this new house and spend the next few weeks getting ready for the baby.

I just needed closure.

And... And s... And so did the drapes.

Because the... the dancing got, uh... g-got pretty dirty.

♪ Because I've had the time of my life ♪

♪ No, I never felt this way before ♪

♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪

- ♪ And I owe it all to you ♪
- [DOOR OPENS] - CAMERON: Mitchell!

The baby's here. He's early.

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- What? I-I'm not ready!

Well, get ready.

And we will be discussing why you were

"Time-of-my-Life-ing" without me.

[BOTH SLURP, SWISH]

The uneducated palate would identify this as a Cabernet, when, in fact, it is a Merlot from Bordeaux.

- Correct.
- Oh! Lucky guess.

In my twenties, I befriended a sommelier from Paris... Marcel Caron.

In fact, I went to stay with him.

We'd drink wine all night and fall asleep to the sound of an accordion on the Rue de Montparnasse.

Much like this wine, that story has too many fruity notes.

Next glass.

And... sip.

[BOTH SLURP, SWISH]

Mm.

That is a mature Napa Valley Cabernet.

- Correct.
- Unh! Eat that, old man!

You know, you don't have to spike the football every time you get an answer right.

Only you could make talking about wine into something obnoxious.

Score is tied, two-two.

Time now for the final wine.

[BOTH SLURP, SWISH]




And to reveal the answer...

Wait a minute.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Before we turned this into a competition, we were both having fun, right?

We were doing something we both liked.

It did occur to me that this whole afternoon, neither one of us checked our watch once.

And if we flip this over, one of us is gonna feel bad and it could ruin the thing.

I mean, let's face it, we don't have a ton in common, but today I saw a little bit of me in you.

You can be a competitive jerk.

And based on that summer in Paris story, you can be kind of a sensitive, even perfumy type of...

That'll do.

Look, when you get back from your trip, why don't we make this a thing?

We'll have a wine tasting once a month... without the competition.

I'm in.

Damn it!

Competitive bastard.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, I love that kid.

[SIGHS]

Time to face facts, honey.

It's the grandparent's table for us.

- Grandpa Phil, huh?
- Mm.

Guess I could get used to shaving naked at the gym.

Mm.

The hardest part is, our kids aren't gonna need us anymore.

And it does means we raised them right.

On the bright side, one of them actually vacuumed the living room rug, and... looks brand new.

- HALEY: Guys, help!
- Don't listen to her! I need you more!

- I spilled my drink at the party, and Doug came
- We had a huge party, and a snake guy came,

- and slipped and hurt his ankle, and now
- and the snake laid eggs, and it accidentally

- he's gonna sue us unless I...
- got mixed in with the Easter eggs... - Shut up!

Mom, I know you told me not to buy expensive sunglasses because I'd only lose them, but then I...

They're on your head.

Oh. Cool.

[SCOFFS]

HALEY: Hey! You find it?

No, but I just realized why they call rolling two ones with dice "snake eggs."

That's snake eyes.

Oh. Then what did I realize?

Don't worry. I got this.

What's with the bunny suit?

Well, I needed a plausible reason to be out in the yard.

- It's your house.
- Okay, I-I like the costume.

I found one!

- Oh, no!
- On it!

Ooh!

I've never seen so many pretty ones.

Mama!

The Easter Bunny stole my basket!

T-That's because I'm the Easter Bandit.

You were a little bad last year.

I know.

I have five now!

Five eggs?!

Well, congratulations!

You get to trade these five eggs for one... solar path light!

GIRL: This egg's moving!

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

That is a magic egg.

Ohh!

Close your eyes and make a wish.

Okay.

- Where's my egg?
- Disappeared. Gotta go!

Uh, can I at least get a picture with you?

- Uh...
- Grandpa!

- [EGG CRACKING]
- Uh-oh.

One very quick pic.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Uhp! Got my own finger. Sorry.

Ah.

Well, that's me. How'd I do that?

Here we go.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Wait. I'm getting a call.

Who do I know in Delaware?

Let it go to voicemail, Jim!

Okay.

Stop squirming, Easter Bunny!

And one...

- Three!
- [CAMERA CLICKS]

- Got it.
- Have a good year, everybody!

Be good! Especially you!

What is the big emergency, Alex?

I was using my Shop-Vac to give myself a hickey to show the guys at game night.

Hello, Doug.

Oh. The mother.

Look, Alex isn't coming to game night.

She's also not cooking you ribs, doing your laundry, or getting you an online M.B.A.

Actually, I might finish that.

- I really think we could make the Dean's List.
- Tch!

Well, we had a deal, so if she's not gonna keep up her end,

I guess I'll just have to sue.

Oh, no, no, no, Doug.

I think that we can work that out right here, right now.

What do you think... of this number?

I'd like it a lot better with another zero on the end.

- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.

Well... I blame myself.

You... You try to instill a sense of responsibility in your children, and...

[VOICE BREAKING] obviously, I failed.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know why I'm surprised.

It's the story of my life.

[SIGHS]

Loveless marriage, no job, and now...

Some reason, I thought that being a mother would be the one thing I got right.

Well... [INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]

Could you at least wait till Wednesday to cash this?

Um...

No.

Sorry about your miserable life.

I have faith that you'll get it together.

- Ohh!
- Oh, Mom!

Oh! Oh, my wrist!

- My wrist!
- Oh, my God.

It's broken! He pushed me!

- No, I didn't!
- Yes! You did! I saw it.

That's elder abuse.

You messed with the wrong Gamma.

Long story short, Doug and I decided to call it even.

And, thanks to me, not one child got bit.

[GROANS] Are you really gonna keep that thing?

Do we always have to talk about my snake?

Okay, this is too soon.

She wasn't supposed to give birth for two more weeks.

Yeah, and, you know, not to be critical of women, but how hard is it just to hold it in?

You know, I had that giant coffee and sat through Manny's one-man "Uncle Vanya."

We... We...
We still haven't baby-proofed.

We don't...
We don't have a changing table.

I haven't even started painting
the mural above the baby's crib yet.

Okay, so I guess there are some positives.

- Guys! - Oh!
- Oh! Oh! - [TIRES SCREECH]

Lily, I'm so sorry.
I forgot you're back there.

And every time you speak, it's like a... a ghost popping out.

There's no carseat back here.

Okay, Lily, you don't need a carseat.

Honey, not everything is about you! Come on!

For the baby!

Oh. Oh, my G... Oh, my God!

It's packed away.
It's... It's in the moving truck.

Okay, but can... can you hurry?

Sorry I was late.

A smokey set up a bear trap, and I had to back off the hammer.

I'll get your carseat in no time.

Where are the movers?

Those were no movers.
They were just men carrying boxes.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Those things were broken before we packed them, huh?

Are we sure we put the carseat in right?

What do you mean, we?
I-I-I don't know. It felt shaky!

Oh, God, this is bad.
This is really bad.

We don't have diapers, we don't have formula...

I don't even know where we live.

If somebody asks for an address, what am I supposed to say?

"Some new house someplace"?

- Guys.
- Aaah! - Ohhh, my gosh!

O-O-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We're awful.

We haven't even checked in with you.

You... You must be freaking out, too.

No, I'm not, and neither are you.

This is just your process.

You get hysterical, you worry about every detail, then you turn on each other...

- No, we don't!
- Yes, we do.

- How dare you.
- And after all that craziness, when it really matters the most, you...

- W-What?
- W-W-What do we do?

♪♪

[BABY COOS]

Our son.

He's beautiful.

We got this.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

♪♪

Okay, so, Gloria said she set up Joe's old bassinet in our bedroom, and I think we have enough diapers to last us till morning.

D-Don't forget to support his head.

I will. It's not my first rodeo.

[GASPS] Oh, I can't wait to take him to his first rodeo.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, um, she's asking what time she should bring everyone by for the baby reveal.

I don't know, may...

Maybe it should just be the four of us tonight, huh?

Aww.

You know, I... think I finally realized what this house has been missing all along.

[BABY COOS]

- Recessed lighting.
- Totally.
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