05x20 - Customer Safari

[bunniefuu]

It's just lunch.

You're great at lunch.

You do it every day.

Yeah, but your family's gonna be there and you know my eating style isn't for everyone.

Is there a health inspection or something?

- Your makeup looks nice.

- Oh, no, just a lunch.

Oh, good.

Your blouse is decent too, and I didn't know what the hell was going on.

Well, Jonah's parents and brother are in town, so we're having lunch with them.

Thank you for the almost compliment.

My nerves feel soothed.

You have nothing to be nervous about.

My parents think you're great and I'm sure Josh will too.

Which brother is Josh again?

I can't keep track of them all.

- I only have two.

- Really?

It feels like you grew up talking over a large group.

Wait, isn't Josh the one who threw that big party in high school and then framed your housekeeper for it?

Big mistake.

Anger the head maid, the whole downstairs can turn on you.

One floor, one housekeeper.

My advice...

don't get lost in the siblings.

It's the parents you want to impress if you're gonna inherit all those servants.

Zero.

Zero servants.

One would've been nice.

[upbeat music]

- A gecko?

- Yes.

It was just sitting on her shoulder like a parrot...

look.

I swear, we get the weirdest customers at this store.

I just helped a dad with three kids on leashes.

Were they triplets?

Or just three kids?

'Cause in the world of customer weirdness, I'd put reptiles up here and children in restraints down here.

But if we're talking multiples, now I'm gonna need a photo.

Oh, okay.

Let me see if he's still untangling them in housewares.

Mm-hmm.

Wow, you've thought about this a lot.

Yeah, well, in customer service, you can get all kinds.

Yesterday, a lady came in and complained about a sandwich that she made at home.

Okay, hot nun, face tattoo, stilettos and sweats.

Nun, tattoo, stilettos and sweats.

I just love the way your mind words.

Oh, Chile was great.

And they loved us down there.

You know, they expect Americans to be fat slobs, you know what I mean, but then...

Chile's never really called to me.

Too narrow.

Yeah, he prefers a girthier country.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh.

Did you guys see the link that I sent you?

Amy got her profile on the Zephra website.

- They love her over there.

- Yeah, that's terrific.

We didn't actually get a chance to read it yet.

Our printer's out of cartridges.

- Ah.

- But you have a screen...

Nah, it's a whole thing.

Don't bother.

I gotta say, Amy, we never thought any girl would compare to Matilda in his eyes, so...

- [laughter]

- Oh, who is Matilda?

- Irrelevant.

- Our Boston Terrier.

Lovely dog, really.

Very regal.

Jonah was literally in love with her.

Like, romantically.

When I was seven, I said I loved our dog so much that I wanted to marry her.

[laughter]

- That's so cute.

- Thank you.

That's sick, though, when you think about it.

Yeah, like, what would you guys even do?

[phone vibrates]

Oh.

[sighs]

It's the office.

I'm sorry for the jargon, Jonah.

An office is one of those rooms with a desk in it.

People with careers have them.

How do I...

Oh, Amy, you have an office.

Maybe you can explain it to him.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure Jonah has seen the inside of...

okay.

So I told her, you know, "Don't worry." "Jonah's parents are gonna love you.

But if they're paying, don't fill up on bread." Come on, this is Amy we're talking about.

"Filled up on bread" is gonna go on her gravestone.

- Yeah.

- Excuse me.

I need to speak to the assistant manager.

Brian, what are you doing here?

Glenn, this is Dr.

Brian Patterson, veterinarian and boyfriend.

Yeah, no, I had a little window of time open up today.

- Horse d*ed early.

- Oh.

So yeah, thought I'd pop in and surprise you.

Oh, I didn't know that veterinarians use tongs.

Is that for handling dog guts?

Oh, no.

Just salad.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Anyways, I missed you and I thought maybe I'd see if I could have a lunch date.

Well, I have a break in 15 minutes.

Okay, yeah...

well, I will get us a table at the café.

- Great.

- Okay, bye.

- Nice to meet you.

- Oh.

What is this?

He's showing up during work hours?

Is this, like, a test or some kind of weird kink?

Okay, Dina, relax.

It's just a surprise date.

Enjoy this.

The beginning of a relationship is the best part.

Yeah, I know.

I know that.

Well, I thought you might not, you know, 'cause this is your first real...

I know romance, Glenn, okay?

I've seen "You've Got Mail." 40 minutes of it.

I was getting my tires rotated.

Point is romance equals spontaneity plus fun.

- Mm-hmm.

- So how about this?

Huh?

How's this for fun?

- Oh, I love it.

- You should let it all down.

Glenn, we're still at work, not an opium den.

I did not notice that the kids' leashes had studded leather on them, so that bumps it up some.

Did you see the gecko has painted nails, though?

I did not.

I'm sorry, Cheyenne.

Gecko lady's weirder.

- Yes, I win.

- Whatever...

lame.

What'd you win?

I'll play.

Oh, no.

It's not a game...

- I wanna play too.

- Guys, seriously, no games.

Amy's gone, so it's up to us to be responsible employees.

I'm kidding.

Obviously we're gonna make this a game.

"Customer Safari." It's a $10 entrance fee, and as you can see, I got 35 categories on the board.

Why is "blowing nose in towels" worth more than "juggalo"?

'Cause juggalos aren't as rare.

ICP just played St.

Louis.

Yeah, it was fun.

It's a real community.

Only one winner per category.

You see something, snap a pic, submit it to me for verification.

Oh, and make sure the customer doesn't see you.

For some reason, privacy's hot right now.

Okay, so everybody's in.

That means the winner's gonna get 200 bucks.

Oh, hell yeah.

I am gonna be so good at this game.

I'm constantly taking creep sh*ts of dads in parks.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

A lot of foam.

Somebody didn't tilt.

So Josh, is he, like, in a bad mood...

He's a d*ck.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You were just so nervous about today already, I kind of bluffed about how tolerable he is.

Okay, yeah, so he is a d*ck.

- And I can say that?

- Definitely.

- Good because he is a d*ck.

- [laughs]

Look, don't hold back on my account.

If you wanna fire back at him, like, go for it.

Nah, I'm not stooping to his level.

It's better to take the high road.

Really?

Come on, I can barely stand it.

And your parents, they're just, like, laughing along.

I don't even see what they like about him.

I mean, I get it...

he's their son or whatever.

But I would hate Parker if he snapped his fingers to get a bus boy's attention or, like, got an innocent housekeeper fired.

Actually, my parents don't know about the Rita thing.

- What?

- Yeah.

Oh, well, bring that up.

It's not worth it.

I only see my family a couple times a year.

Let's just get through the meal and be the bigger people.

- [sighs]

- And then we can, you know, talk trash about him behind his back for weeks.

Okay, fine, but this high road thing looks better on Michelle Obama.

That's fair.

Everything looks better on Michelle Obama.

[hip-hop music]

Aggressively patriotic T-shirt...

oh, yeah.

"Love this land or I'll bury you in it"?

- Wow, 50 points.

- Yes.

♪ Disturbingly long nails.

15 points.

Ride it.

Come on, ride it, you tease.

I only asked for one tuxedo kid, man.

15 points is all I can give you.

- Is this even a category?

- It's gotta be, right?

I love when you ask for it al dente and it comes al dente.

- Both: Mm-hmm.

- Best feeling.

Wow, this is huge.

I'm never gonna be able to finish this.

Oh, come on, buddy.

You can finish.

- It's not business school.

- [Laughs]

- Zing, Joshie.

- That's funny.

Also, you know, if a school isn't the right fit for somebody...

It's fine.

Do you want some bread?

- He's just teasing, sweetie.

- He's our little comedian.

- That's me.

- [Laughter]

Oh, hey, speaking of funny, has Jonah ever told you about the play that he wrote in theater camp?

"The Architecture of Hope and Fear." - Ugh.

- Yeah.

Let's just say it wasn't bound for Broadway.

Yeah...

oh, and don't forget the heroine's name.

- Tell her, Jonah.

- Matilda.

- Matilda.

- Ew, the dog wife.

He never got over it.

Actually, Matilda had some pretty steamy scenes in it.

- [laughter]

- It wasn't intentional.

I guess my subconscious took the wheel there.

- I guess so.

- [Laughter]

But he didn't really wanna marry the dog.

I mean, he was just a kid.

He said a weird thing.

Kids say weird things all the time.

- They made a show about it.

- Mm, yeah.

Have you seen the new one?

I really enjoy that Tiffany Hasheesh.

Oh, yes, she's marvelous.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- I said adult baby.

This is an adult with a baby.

Hey, do you guys know why there's no one working checkouts?

Well, I heard something about a big spill.

- Yeah?

- All hands on deck situation.

Guys, come on.

I know what it's like when the manager's away.

Yeah, you take a little longer break, eat a hot dog, turn all the screens in electronics to MTV.

Yeah, well, I guess you got us.

- We're just a bunch of rebels.

- Aw, come on.

So tell me what's going on.

Oh, okay.

Well...

And Sandra, you'd better confess because I already asked Garrett, and he sold you down the river.

When?

We've been together the entire time.

- Hmm?

- Yeah, Glenn.

If you wanna play us against each other, you have to separate us first.

Sandra, could I see you outside or a minute?

I don't think so, Glenn.

- Garrett, could I see...

- Come on, man.

This is nice.

I'm really glad that you came here unannounced and now we are having a completely unscheduled lunch.

- Yeah.

- Hope this hair isn't freaking you out.

No, not at all.

I like it.

- Me too.

Me too.

- Yeah.

It just kinda happened.

Wasn't planned.

A bit spontaneous.

[Chuckles]

Dibs on the steampunk guy in electronics!

Wow, kind of a Friday energy on a Thursday, huh?

- I love that.

- Yeah, same.

Same.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay.

Glenn, you smell scared.

What's up?

Not much.

Everything's mostly great.

Just that something's up with the employees.

I'm not sure what, but the good news is is that it's very quickly getting out of hand, so it'll probably blow up and be over soon.

Do I need to get involved?

It feels like I need to get involved.

No, no, no, go have lunch with your boyfriend.

Go ahead.

Don't worry, I've...

I've...

I've got this.

- [sighs]

- Everything good?

Yeah, Glenn's got this handled and, you know, his mind and body are...

fine.

Yeah.

He seems great.

Totally.

I just remembered, I left all my felt tips uncapped in the security office, and those are just gonna be drying out like crazy, so I just need to go and put the-the little helmets on the soldiers.

Okay.

[smooth music playing]

K-Fai, What the hell?

I told you to make sure no one took a pic of you before I did.

Okay, he's hella sneaky.

I did not see him.

Wait, you're K-Fai?

Oh, my God, you're cheating.

You totally tried to stage "clothes same shade as skin." Shh!

Yes, but only because I, like, wanted to win.

Okay, I feel like if Garrett knew about this, he would totally kick you out of the game, but I'm your friend, so I'm just gonna extort you.

[sighs]

Fine.

50 bucks if I win?

Deal.

I'm Mateo, by the way.

I'm sure you've heard of me.

Uh, I-I've heard of Brett.

Okay.

Ooh, a passion fruit Bellini.

Should I order a carafe?

Oh, none for us.

I'm actually booze-free these days.

Plus, Kelce and I are off sugar, so...

Yeah, way more energy.

Yahoo actually says sugar is extremely addictive.

Well, I mean, sugar is bad for you, but it's actually not addictive.

- That's just a myth.

- Oh-oh-oh-oh.

Dr.

Jonah's in the house.

That's so funny, because I thought you lied about going to med school for three years, But maybe I'm just mixed up.

Maybe after lunch you could do some brain surgery on me.

I can do it.

Okay, high road.

I got it.

Jalapeno margarita.

Do we think that's too spicy?

No, I've had it.

You'll love it, trust me.

Trust him, Mom, he only deceived you for three years.

"Trust me, Mom, in med school." "Trust me, Mom, Matilda and I are just friends" - [laughter]

- Now this jagoff?

Hey, man, real talk, that med school lie was messed.

You broke Mom's heart.

Oh, are we doing real talk now?

No, no, they're doing real talk.

We're doing spicy margs.

It's just 'cause I happen to know that Jonah is not the only family member who's lied to Marilyn.

Who else has lied?

Okay, I, uh...

I may have told Amy some family stuff that she...

They're talking about me.

Marilyn, I...

I started sleeping with Shelley again.

[gasps]

What?

I thought that was over.

It was, I swear.

Absolutely nothing happened for years.

I mean, she was a great secretary and nothing more.

And then the holidays rolled around, we had the holiday party, and Shelley debuted this new wig, and...

I just...

I-I forgot myself.

Jesus, Dad.

I'm so sorry, this is not at all what I was trying...

Jonah, how did you know?

Did I accidentally text you instead of Shelley?

- Oh.

- Oh, no, was there a...

- a visual component?

- Oh, God.

No, Dad, no, I didn't know.

When Amy mentioned the lying, she was talking about Josh and Rita.

- What?

- I...

I-I don't even know what you're talking about.

Ah, come on.

The house party, Rita.

Oh, yeah, I remember that, she stained the rugs, and then she filled up all the vodka bottles with water, and we found this strawberry gelatin in the shower.

No, Dad, Josh and his friends did all of that.

- Joshie wouldn't do that.

- No, I didn't.

Just a quick outsider's perspective.

A 60-year-old Colombian woman doing gelatin sh*ts in the shower just seems kind of odd.

Okay, well, forget it.

It doesn't matter.

We obviously have more important things that are...

Wait.

There were a ton of empty liquor bottles when I came home from Sam's wedding, and my place was trashed.

You told me to fire my dog walker.

Kelce, it was the dog walker.

Remember?

- I don't even drink.

- Okay.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Mom.

I just wanted to have a nice lunch with my family.

[Sighs]

- I should go talk to her.

- No.

No, no, no, no.

- No, I really need to.

- No, you don't need to go.

I can't stop myself.

I'm going.

Amy...

Listen, I'm-I'm really sorry.

I just got caught up in the...

in the felt tips.

Which are here.

Don't look for them, but they are here.

Look, Dina, if you're busy, I can just take off.

[sighs]

You know what?

- It might be for the best.

- [Sighs]

I'm just gonna come out and say this.

I'm new to the whole relationship thing, and I know I'm supposed to be like a free-wheeling, pizza parlor roller girl, but that's just...

it's-it's not me.

Oh, no, no, no, Dina.

I'm the one who showed up unannounced.

I totally get it, and we can do lunch another time.

- Really?

- Absolutely.

Thank you.

Because something's going on with the employees, and I need to interrogate this suspect.

Oh, wow, you're not just the assistant manager.

You're like a detective.

That is cool.

Do you ever need any backup?

No, never work with a partner.

No, they're either dead weight or they turn on you.

Oh, wait, you meant you.

- If that's okay.

- Oh, yeah!

- Yeah.

- Yeah, no, this is great.

Okay.

Hey.

How you doing?

Oh, I'm okay.

Richard and I survived Shelley once before, and we will do it again.

That's, uh, good.

- Yeah.

- But I am sorry about how it all came to light.

I didn't mean to upset you or Kelci, which, by the way, how do we feel about her?

I like her...

purse.

Yes, same.

Me too.

Oh.

But, um, anyway, it's just that Josh is really hard on Jonah, and I was just getting a little protective, and I get it, that the med school lie was nuts, but, you know, it was one lie, and it didn't hurt anybody, because Jonah doesn't hurt people.

He's...

he's good.

You really care for him.

Hmm?

That's really nice.

Let's get back out there, hmm?

Sorry, I got caught up in the moment.

I actually really have to pee.

Hey, Sandra.

Just wanted to introduce you to my boyfriend, Brian.

Brian the vet.

So nice to meet you.

I've heard so much about you.

Well, one thing I bet you haven't heard is that I'm also a veterinarian.

That's right, you just said that.

Listen, I've got a vet and you've got a messed-up cat.

Maybe we could help each other out, 'cause I need to know what's going on.

What's with all the phones and the sneaking around?

Dina, please, I can't say.

I don't wanna get anyone in trouble.

Brett just let me follow him on Instagram.

Okay, well, it's a shame you won't help us 'cause this guy loves doing feline lumpectomies.

And refresh my memory, does Biscuit have lumps?

So many.

It's like holding a bag of marbles.

Well, I'd be happy to smooth that cat out for you.

- Free of charge, of course.

- Of course.

Okay.

Fine.

But I'm only giving you this.

White board, warehouse.

Secret photos, customers, game, $200 prize.

But that's all I can say.

- I can't believe she left.

- Is she serious right now?

Not your fault, son.

Relationships are complicated.

[sighs]

Actually, no.

Actually your relationships are very simple.

Mom is crushed because you cheated on her.

And Kelci dumped you because you're a jackass.

- Jonah.

- I'm sorry, Dad, but it's true.

He's a liar and a mile-wide douche, and I'm glad Kelci figured that out.

Honey, let me...

I'll be quick.

Amy and I just had a lovely talk in the bathroom.

You know, what she and Jonah have - is something really very special.

- [scoffs]

I deserve someone who loves me like that.

- Look, Marilyn...

- We'll talk later.

Just letting you know, I want a divorce.

- [sighs]

- Oh, yummy.

The margs are here.

Wait, are we missing people?

I'm really sorry.

If I woulda just stuck to the high road with you, none of this would have happened.

[sighs]

Honestly, I think it's good.

She should have left him years ago.

You mean, like, the first time Shelley happened?

- Right around then, yeah.

- Yeah.

I called my brother a douche to his face.

What?

For real?

- Mm-hmm.

- And I missed it?

Mm-hmm, yeah, it was great.

Sometimes the low road gets you there.

Well, I am really proud of you.

And I know Matilda would be too.

He brings that up a lot.

I'm sorry.

My take, he wants to bang the dog.

Classic projection.

I-I don't think...

I mean, none of us want to...

Anyway, she's dead.

Aww.

[smooth music playing]

[camera shutter clicking]

Did you just take my photo, you pervert?

No, I'm not a pervert and you're not that cute.

It's for Customer Safari.

You're just "pet in baby carrier." - Ah-ha!

- Ya stung!

This was a sting operation, and you confessing that means we can now shut the whole thing down.

Actually, I coulda shut it down before, but I thought this might be fun for you.

Well, you were right, 'cause I loved it.

- Right?

- Yeah.

- [pig squeals]

- both: Oh.

Game over, scrodes!

Yeah, scrodes!

Hi, uh, I'm Brian, by the way.

I'm Dina's boyfriend.

I met some of you, not everybody, and this is not mine.

- Borrowed her from a client.

- We know everything.

Sorry, this guy tricked me into taking a photo of him and his stupid pig.

It's so cute though.

Can I pet it?

- Yes.

- [squeals]

Oh, man, you guys, Cheyenne really blew it.

Ugh, we're all so mad.

All right, Garrett, give everyone their money back, and then all of you get back to work.

But if anyone got VSCO Girl, could you send that me?

I still don't know what that is.

♪ I'm all out of faith ♪ ♪ This is how I feel ♪ ♪ I'm cold and I am shamed ♪ - [sighs]

- [phone buzzes, chimes]

Oh, Amy, there you are.

Hey, Glenn, so sorry.

I think Zephra Corporate just tried to call me.

Yeah, okay, real quick.

I don't want you to panic, but there's some kind of storewide game going on.

Now, I don't know what it is, but I know that...

That's so great, Glenn.

Keep it up.

Thank you.

You're the best.

Okay.

If it comes up on the call, play dumb.

I'm sorry, what position is this for exactly?

Director of Customer Experience for Cloud 9.

For, like, all of them?

All the Cloud 9s?

Yep, it'd be at our headquarters in Palo Alto.

Maya Fonseca at the Chicago office gave you a glowing recommendation, and we're holding interviews next week.

Oh, um...

wow.

Okay.

So are you interested?

[gentle music]