04x03 - The Ex Files

[bunniefuu]

Guys, stop what you're doing.

I have something to tell you.

Is it bad news?

Is it Dad's pacemaker?

Should I sit down or stand up?

Just to be safe, I'm gonna split the difference and lean.

I just heard on the radio that in England, they call boloney "polony." I don't like it.

It's arrogant.

I got to go to the bank.

Or as they call it in England, the "pank." We're not doing that, Lowell.

Copy that.

Lowell just got a text.

Hey, come on.

That's personal.

Don't read it.

It's from his ex-wife.

Read it.

"Hey, Lowell..." Normal voice.

"Hey, Lowell, can we get together for a drink?

It's not about the kids,it's about us." "Us"?

They don't have an us anymore.

What do you think she wants?

Sex.

Men and women only drink together to loosen up for boom-boom time.

This is not good.

Lowell was devastated after she cheated on him.

Look, if he thinks he has another chance with her, he'll jump at it.

Then she'll break his heart and we'll be knee-deep in man tears again.

Remember how loud he cries?

It was the worst sound I've ever heard.

And I saw a documentary on a marching band that got sucked up by a twister.

You know, all the horns.

All right.

O-Okay, let's think about this.

Um...

Oh.

What if we stop it before it happens?

We'll delete Jen's text, Lowell won't text her back, the whole thing goes away.

- Let's do it.

- Okay.

Uh...

I don't know how to do it.

- Right there, that's delete.

- Yeah, that deletes the whole chain.

How do you delete just one text?

- I got it.

- You're highlighting it.

That's copy and paste.

You just took a picture of us.

Oh, no, he's back.

He can't see this text.

- What do we do?

- Uh...

Just take it.

Take the whole damn phone.

I don't want it.

Just stash it somewhere.

Not there.

- It's all right, we're family.

- Come on...

I forgot my phone.

Ah.

Right on.

I pulled onto Old Town Road and asked Siri to play "Old Town Road," like I do.

But when she didn't, I thought she was ignoring me, so I asked louder and louder until I realized I didn't have my phone and I was shouting at myself.

If I had a nickel.

- Right?

- Yeah.

Huh.

- It's not here.

- Hmm.

Well, I hope you're not suggesting that it's in Adam's pants.

Hey.

Sorry I'm late for dinner.

Oh, dinner.

That's why I came in here.

I stopped by Dad's after work to check on him.

Oh, yeah?

How is he adjusting to life with the new pacemaker?

Well, he seemed fine, but I could tell they were hurrying me out.

Especially when Dad said, "Hurry and get out." Well, y-you think he's not feeling well and he's trying to hide it?

Something's going on.

I need to get to the bottom of it.

When's dinner?

I have been down here working on it for hours.

I am only one person.

Uh, hey, uh, Katie, can you go check on Grandpa?

Snoop around, see how he's doing and report back to me?

- I don't like the idea of spying.

- Well...

I'll give you $20.

Okay.

I'll do anything for money.

Well, that's comforting to a father.

I'll go after school tomorrow.

Uh...

W-Why do you have an extra cell phone?

Oh.

Is it a burner for your secret second family?

Yeah.

Is that gonna be a problem?

No, but...

maybe you could fill up your other wife's DVR with Finding Bigfoot.

This is Lowell's phone.

Jen texted him that she wanted to meet for a drink.

Well, I didn't want him to see it and be tempted to get back together with her.

So you stole his phone?

Well, we tried to delete just the one text, but I think you can only do that from Apple headquarters.

Yeah.

Look, you got to give Lowell his phone back.

All right?

If you're concerned for your friend, just tell him you're worried because you care about him.

That's not how we do it.

I steal his phone.

That's how we do it.

Look, I agree with you, Jen is terrible for him.

Okay?

But Lowell's a grown man.

You need to let him make his own choices.

I'm a grown man.

You don't let me make my own choices.

Honey, give Lowell his phone back.

You know, I don't have these problems with my secret second family.

I'm the boss over there.

When's Lowell getting here?

I'm pulling up his location on Find My Friends.

He's in the living room!

Oh, that's right.

We have his phone.

I still think it's a mistake to give this back.

I know how to get rid of it.

Give it to one of the kids and tell them, "Don't lose it.

"We'll never see it again.

Why didn't you guys just delete the text?

It can't be done.

We don't work for NASA, Marcy.

It's two steps: edit, delete.

I know because I deleted all of Don's texts about polony.

It's what the British people call boloney.

I don't like it.

It's arrogant.

You and I are so made for each other.

- Hey, what's up?

- Hey, Lowell.

- Uh, have a seat.

- I can't stay long.

I'm meeting a guy who responded to my lost phone flyer.

He said to meet him in an alley and to wear a t*nk top and gym shorts so he knows it's me.

Uh-huh.

In the future, maybe run that stuff by us, okay?

Yeah.

Uh, so,Lowell, um, how are you feeling about your ex-wife these days?

I'm finally in a good place.

I haven't hacked into her e-mail in months.

You broke into her e-mail?

Yeah, I have Jen's password, and every night after the divorce, I would curl up in her old sweatshirt and read her inbox.

That sounded sexy, but I know it's sad.

But you're over her now?

Totally and completely.

Okay, well, then, I guess you can have your phone back.

Don took it.

Yeah.

Because-because Jen texted you, and we didn't want you to overreact.

Oh, that's no big deal.We text each other all the time about the kids...

A drink?!

She wants to get a drink.

Okay, hold on, hold on,don't get too excited.

We're getting back together.

Jump up and down with me.

Oh.

Yeah, no...

uh, Lowell, I-I'm wearing the wrong bra.

Yeah.

No jumping, no...

I thought you said you were over her.

That was when she didn't want me back.

Now she wants me back.

I'm back!

I'm answering her.

- "Where and when?" - Okay...

Lowell, just because Jen wants a one-nighter doesn't mean that she wants to get back together.

Yeah, well, she could just be using you.

I mean, ladies like cheap sex, too.

Well, don't lie to him.

She answered.

"I'm staying at the Bainbridge Hotel this weekend.

Let's get a drink tomorrow." She definitely wants me back.

What?

How do you figure?

The Bainbridge is where we had our first date.

It's the most romantic spot in our pantheon of love.

Mm-hmm.

Does your pantheon have a cheater's basement?

Huh?

'Cause she really steamed up the windows down there.

That's true.

She's put you through a lot of polony.

No.

Okay, okay.

Why would Jen be staying at the Bainbridge tonight if she's meeting you tomorrow?

That's a great question, Andi.

Doesn't make any sense.

Unless she's preparing our love nest.

She probably wants me to stay over tomorrow.

I should pack a bag.

Wait.

Lowell, you're making a big mistake.

You're right.Play it cool.

I'll wear two pairs of underwear just to be safe.

One dressy, one everyday.

He's in for a world of hurt.

Well, there's got to be something we can do.

Well, there was.

Not give him back his phone.

All right, nobody likes that guy.

Okay, uh...ooh, all right.

Don and I will go down to the Bainbridge to talk to Jen and find out her intentions.

If she's just toying with Lowell, we'll tell her to leave him alone.

- Oh.

You guys are doing a good thing.

- Yeah.

Yeah.I just wish we didn't have to go to the Bainbridge to do it.

- They charge ten bucks for parking.

- Oh.

I tell you what.

If you drive,I'll let you pay for parking.

That sounds fair.

Wait a minute.

- No.

That's right.

- Yeah.

Hello?

Grandpa?

Is everybody okay?

Bev, if you're gonna talk dirty, talk louder.

You know I don't hear too good.

Welcome to the Bainbridge Hotel.

- May I help you?

- Yeah.

We're looking for a guest staying here...

Jen Franklin.

Ms.

Franklin's bachelorette party is in the hotel bar.

Bachelorette party?

Well, Jen's getting married?

By any chance, is she marrying a guy named Lowell?

What kind of person has their ex meet her where they had their first date to tell him she's marrying another guy?

I'm giving Jen a piece of my mind.

Ask if they validate parking.

Aah.

We're looking for Jen Franklin.

- The strippers are here!

- Oh!

We're not strippers.

Hold on.

Let's see how this plays out.

You guys can't start the show till Jen comes down from her room.

Did you use a Groupon?

Groupon?

Hey, I did not come here to get my feelings hurt.

And if I was a stripper, you'd be paying full price.

Let's go, Don.

You just talked yourself out of the full Monty, lady.

So not only does Jen not want to get back together with Lowell, she's marrying someone else.

I can't believe that.

And in sexier news, Adam and I were mistaken for strippers.

I believe that.

Thanks, baby.

You're awfully quiet over there, Andi.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you can shake your moneymaker.

Look, I-I just...I'm worried about Lowell.

I mean, he's not gonna take this well.

Which is exactly why I stole his phone to begin with.

All right, so we'll tell Lowell the news, and then...

you will make him feel better by telling him how much he means to you as a friend.

I'm not doing that.

Men don't talk about feelings.

Lowell tells you how he feels about you all the time.

Yeah, and it's really uncomfortable.

I wish he'd steal my phone instead.

Hey, Katie.

- How was Grandpa?

- I don't want to talk about it.

Whoa, wait, what-what...

what did you...

what did you find out?

That you might have a little brother coming soon.

So, Lowell, we have something to tell you, and there...

there's no easy way to say it.

So...

Marcy, say it.

- Thank you, Andi.

- Yeah.

Lowell, today we found out...

Andi, you finish.

That Jen...

back to you, Marcy.

- Is...

Andi?

- Getting...

Marcy?

M...

Andi?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Lowell...

Jen's getting married again.

What?

We're sorry that you had to hear it from us.

Who is she marrying?

I looked up her wedding registry...

It's some guy named Ira Stone.

Ira Stone?

He was my divorce lawyer.

I bet that's why she got all your money.

What?

Someone already said that?

Why am I the one who always gets hurt?

When's it gonna be her turn to cry so loud the neighbors call the police because they think a cat is stuck in the wall?

Oh, Lowell, I know it's hard,but-but we're here for you.

Yeah.

We'll help you rise above.

Or...

we can help you sink below.

You don't always have to be on the losing end.

You may not be able to get her back, but you can get her back.

You just said the same thing twice.

Adam is talking about the dish best served cold.

Jell-O?

Revenge, Don.

I'm talking about revenge.

What do you think?

Let's do it.

- Nice!

- All right!

Attaboy!

All right,let's get to work.

You have Jen's e-mail password...

there's got to be some part of her life we can screw up.

You bet your bippy there is.

I'll go home and get the password.

One quick cry in her sweatshirt,and I'll be back.

I found Kate's purse at our place.

I guess she left it there when...

well, you know.

What?

I don't know.

She caught your father and me in a compromising position.

Or positions.

I'm not sure how long she was standing there.

Ma, don't say"positions" to me.

Poor Katie.

No wonder she was asking to go to church.

Your father's new pacemaker has had some side effects.

It's made him very randy.

Okay, thanks for stopping by.

I mean, he's like a new man.

We haven't done some of that stuff since Nixon.

Seriously, you have to stop talking before this whole house turns to ash.

Wait.

I need a favor.

Ask your dad to turn down his pacemaker.

A little.

Nothing dangerous.

I just need time to run a few errands.

Fine.

I can't do it right now.

I'm in the middle of something.

Okay.

Make it soon.

I haven't finished a crossword in a week...

they're piling up.

What'd your mom want?

To ruin my day.

Did you get Jen's password?

Yep.

Here you go.

Okay.

You had to write this down?

Well, it's just a random jumble of letters and numbers.

Lowell, it's "Down2play24-7." I said it's random.

Okay, honey, sure.

Uh, okay, I opened Jen's e-mail.

Look, she used a travel website to plan her honeymoon.

Flight, hotel.

It is perfectly bundled for revenge.

- It says "click link to access itinerary." - Mm-hmm.

It wants us to do it.

It doesn't like her, either.

We're in!

Ah!

I've always wanted to say that.

Jen booked two business class tickets to Hawaii.

Lowell, what do you want to do about that?

I say let's move her to the back...

- Yeah.

- of business class.

That way, when they pass out the freshly baked cookies, they won't be hot anymore,they'll just be warm.

Uh, okay, you got to dial it up a little, Lowell.

All right?

Honey, move Jen to the back of the plane next to the bathroom, huh?

She put you in a crappy situation.

We're gonna do the same thing to her.

Oh.

Click "modify hotel reservation." Beachfront room?I don't think so.

Unless we fill it with scorpions.

Okay, now dial it down a little.

Huh?

Okay, what's the worst room in a hotel?

Ground floor,parking lot view.

It's what we always get.

I don't need an ocean view when I got a Marcy view.

Aw.

That's sweet.

I thought you were just cheap.

It's a little of both.

Okay.

All set.

The only thing left to do is hit "confirm changes." You do the honors.

I don't know.

What-what-what don't you know?

Well, maybe I should leave the door open with Jen.

Yeah, she's marrying another man, but she cheated on me.

She could cheat on him with me.

Have you learned nothing from this, Lowell?

Jen is a horrible person.

She's marrying your divorce lawyer.

The guy you paid to sue her pants off took her pants off!

Look, I have spent the last year watching you suffer.

I won't do it again.

I know, I know.

Because I wasn't productive at work.

No.

I mean yes.

But no.

No.

You just keep letting her take advantage of you, Lowell, and I can't stand it!

Okay?

I care about you.

You are part of this family, and damn it, we love you!

Aw.

You did it.

You yelled it, but you did it.

Stand up for yourself and push that button.

I don't need to.

I think I held onto the idea of Jen because I was afraid I'd end up alone.

But then you screamed at me from the heart.

Now I know I can...

let her go, because...

I have you guys.

- Aw...

- Oh...

That's weird.

Press the button.

Do it.

Press it.

No, okay?

We are proud of him, and Don and I are taking you out to dinner to celebrate.

That's right,but you're gonna have to pay, because I have no idea where I left my wallet.

Thanks, Adam.

Oh.

Well, all right.

You see what you started?

Okay, let go, Lowell.

My arms did,but my heart never will.

Who talks like that?

You love him.

And I love when you show your sensitive side.

I think it's hot.

Well, that's why I like you more than my secret second wife.

Ah.

Why can't any of you keep your hands off each other?!

Let's take this upstairs.

Absolutely.

Right behind you.

Oh, uh, just got to do one thing.

"Confirm changes." That's for you and your rude friends.

"Groupon." Huh!

Dad?

Mom?

This is as far as I'm coming in.

Hello?

I'm inside the house!

It's okay.

You-you don't have to talk to Dad.

I doubled up on my B12s.

Everything's hunky-dory.

Run along, boy.

This is grown-up time.

I'm never coming back here again.