He's got me overseeing the satellite launch out of Tanegashima.
KENDALL ROY: Good for you, bro. Can't keep a good dog down.
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ TOM WAMSGANS: Bill told me as part of the handover where some of the bodies were buried.
If it does come out while I'm in charge, I'm dead.
LOGAN ROY: I'm tired of this. Come in.
I can see through you and this transparent little offer to buy me off.
Maybe, I should just let them come for you.
If this is the way things are gonna go then f*ck off, Dad.
♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ Shiv gave me a hall pass.
And what? Shiv has that same arrangement?
TOM: I don't know, Greg. It's not a competition.
MARCIA ROY: I don't think it's a good idea for him to come to the wedding.
How would you like half a bill for your share of Waystar?
Why don't we talk this over with Sandy?
KENDALL: Sandy Furness?
He's already in on Waystar.
I have the shell company attached to his private equity fund.
Keep your money. Bring me in.
We go f*ck my dad together.
Leverage buyout. Hostile.
What's your end? CEO.
And you're sure you got the stomach?
KENDALL: Yeah. I'm good.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) (MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHATTER)
Here they are!
(AIR BRAKES HISS)
(BACKUP ALARM BEEPING)
What's he do... What's he doing?
Come on, it'll be fine.
It'll fit!
I'm afraid he's not gonna drive through.
He says it won't fit. Well, clearly it'll fit.
What is he, vehicle dysmorphic?
The bridge has a three-and-a-half ton weight limit, and he's worried about his mirrors.
Well, which is it, Charlotte?
The story keeps changing.
TOM: Hey, hey! Come on down!
This is not my intended welcome.
We will... We will sort it, Tom.
Hey!
WOMAN: Morning! Hey, good to see ya.
We can just get buggies and...
Buggies? How the f*ck long will that take?
We just need to round up the buggies and...
I work in hospitality, Charlotte, so I can smell bullshit.
Mom! Honey!
Hey! Hey, Daddy!
Hey, Tommy, it's great to see ya.
Couple of hours?!
MOTHER: It was wonderful just sitting there.
We liked watching the planes.
Your father thought he might have seen the man from U2.
OK. And Arthur Laffer, of the Laffer Curve? Are they coming?
Well, uh, could be. It's mostly rock gods and economists.
Hey, hey, it's the Fly Guys!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Good to see you! You made it, man!
Tommy, your mother's a little thirsty.
Mommy, you thirsty? A little thirsty.
I don't want to be a trouble, Tom. It was my fault.
Grab a bag, and then we'll go...
I'll follow you up.
I hope you're happy now, Charlotte, 'cause my mother is dying of thirst.
And I've just picked up a bag.
I'm carrying a case on my wedding eve.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
All right. I gotta go.
But I'll see you there, OK?
I managed to change the time for the embassy, and...
Sorry. Are we OK? Oh, yeah.
Gil, you don't have to come to the wedding if you're too busy. That's...
We've just been doing the media monitoring.
m*therf*ckers. I'll f*cking k*ll him.
I'll take them to pieces!
NATE: He's not sleeping.
It's what's-his-name. Got under his skin.
Screwdriver-face.
Oh, the bit...
The bit where he implied he m*rder*d his wife.
Yeah, for some reason that's somewhat irked him.
Gil, you don't need to focus on this. We can hit it.
I know. I'm focused.
I'm X-raying this briefing for salient facts.
I mean, I don't want to make a big thing out of this, but is it possible your father is the worst human being who ever lived?
Uh, I... I don't think that's...
Is it true he's not coming to the wedding, out of... what, spite?
Well, it's complicated.
I want to take him out.
I want to destroy ATN.
I'm not sure that's wise.
And if I said it was wise, would you have a problem with that?
No.
In the end, Gil, I'll do whatever you want.
Siobhan, look. If there's something, anything, you can get me, I'm in a f*ckin' Kn*fe fight here, I'm holding a dildo made out of American cheese.
KENDALL: So this is really gonna happen, yeah?
You know I don't want ICBC as part of the syndicate, right?
Uh, 75 to 150 basis points, and point two percent commitment fee.
Then, uh, then, yeah. f*ck yeah.
I feel good. STEWY: Holy sh*t.
Without them we're good to go. Let me call you back.
Um, has your sister ever heard of Lake Como?
Has she ever heard of Venice, St. Barts, the Maldives?
Has she heard of these locations? She must be aware of them.
I got the call. You get the call?
I got the f*ckin' call.
Shall we go inside? Come on.
What? In here?
Brother, we are putting together a hostile takeover of one of the largest media corporations in the world.
I think we can brave some non-vintage champagne.
Wow. Um, can we get some champagne?
A bottle, please? Thank you.
What are we talkin'? Like ten days?
Then we go in for the k*ll?
Yeah. Can't keep it on lockdown for more than about ten days, right?
STEWY: Yeah, that's about it. WOMAN: John?
John? John! So, like...
Have you got any that champagne? the 19th for the bear hug?
Yeah. Good. One little thing. Good.
The Canadians, there seems to be a little static on some details.
Like what? Like... you as CEO.
What do you mean?
Relax. OK?
This doesn't happen without you.
It's normal co-investor bullshit.
Frank knows those guys. You want me to... I'll handle it, dude.
No leaks. Please. Not to Frank, not to anyone.
Why are you so jumpy about this, Ken?
Why am I jumpy?
About f*cking Rome, f*ckin' Shiv and Connor, probably blowing what's left of my dad's f*ckin' brain?
About taking the company out of family control, forever?
I don't know, Stewy. Why would that make me jumpy?
Look, I don't give a f*ck.
But, I mean, do you want me to ask?
I'm just curious to see if she's gonna come begging.
Because I can ask. I don't want to ask.
If she wants to ask, she can ask.
'Cause I can physically see her.
Gerri, I don't want to ask.
OK.
She comes crawling, then I'll think it over.
Fine. OK, I get it. Who's there?
Um... Have you seen Caroline?
Is she still with that chinless hippie prick?
I thought we might miss the rehearsal.
We don't need to rehearse. We're gonna k*ll it.
Did you think again about your dad and whether we want to reconsider...
f*ck him. Right, right.
And did you think again about whether we want to go Wambsgans or Roy-Wambsgans or, as I said, I'd be willing to just drop traditional and go Tom Roy, in fact, for myself, if...
Um, hey, I wanted to ask you something.
Uh-huh?
I could do with knowing about the bad thing in Cruises.
You know, the thing that meant you couldn't sleep?
Uh-huh.
No? Uh... I...
No, I don't...
No, I just think, yeah, I just think, you know, church and state and... and AC/DC and... ebony and ivory and never the twain shall meet.
Yeah, right, but you always wanted to make it public.
Didn't you? Yes. Yeah.
In my bones, I did. Exactly.
But I did then destroy all the evidence, so...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I guess... you know, if it's bad, the longer you leave it, the worse it'll be when it comes out.
Yes, unless it never comes out. You know?
I bet it's not even that bad.
Uh, it is quite bad.
It's quite bad.
SHIV: Oh, f*ck, here we go. TOM: Look, honey.
This is where it's happening.
Ooh.
Oh, hey. Hey.
TOM: It's exciting! SHIV: Hey.
You spoken to the Wicked Bitch of the West yet?
I just got here, Shiv.
Is this gonna take long?
SHIV: Shall we?
Saddle up, soldier. Oh, come on.
She can't be that bad.
Yeah, just don't look at her directly.
CAROLINE: Hello! Hello, hello!
SHIV: Hi. Here you are.
I knew you'd arrive eventually.
Tom. Remember Tabs?
SHIV: My mom. Hello!
Tom. Hi.
Gosh, look at you.
You're very plausible.
Oh. Thank you.
Exactly.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
Hi, Mom. Hi, Kendall.
ROMAN: Tabitha, have you guys met?
Have you all... Bro.
Ruff ruff! Ruff!
So, shall we go and play happy families?
TOM: Yes. Great.
SHIV: Mm-hmm.
Well done on Tom.
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
Tell me again why you're marrying him.
Mom. Come on. Joking. I like...
I like him! OK.
And I want to say I hope this can be nice.
I really appreciate your coming over here.
OK. It's no worries.
My travel agent specializes in guilt trips.
Hey! Hey!
Apologies. Did I miss anything?
No. Happy day.
Caroline Collingwood. Pleased to meet you.
Likewise, your excellency.
Gregory Hirsch.
Greg!
You're Greg Egg. Excuse me?
You're Greg the Egg!
When you were born you looked like a little misshapen egg.
I... did... Yeah, I did hear tell of...
Oh, God. And your dad used to try and sleep with all the men in Sausalito.
(GRUNTS)
How's your mother?
Uh, good. OK, yeah.
Solvent, currently. Debt free.
Great. Come on in.
Come and see our little church.
(PHONE BUZZING)
These are all my disreputable sl*ve-owning ancestors.
Very nice.
Oh, my God. Tom, did you see? What, Greg?
Did I see what? That's the girl from Brooklyn.
From your bachelor party.
Who sucked your d*ck and made you swallow your load.
Greg, that's not very wedding-y.
But that's her. I know.
Greg, her name is Tabitha, and she and Roman are dating.
Which is cool. So please, do not act like an unsophisticated rube.
OK. Wow. Yeah.
He really liked her, and it's fine.
It's just one of those weird urban things, like when you go to see standup and the comedian is your dentist.
OK? Yeah? Yeah, yeah... Oh!
Hey! Hey.
Hey! So, we should, uh, get going. Yeah, let's do it.
I'm Willa, by the way. I'm Connor's partner.
Fantastic. And what do you do, Willa?
Oh, um, I'm a playwright.
Wow. Fantastic. Yeah.
Thank you. America.
And what do you do, Connor?
Well, um...
Connor doesn't really do anything.
Do you, Con?
I think they're all gathered now, Patrick.
Shall we? What?
What?
sh*t.
Just to get things straight, am I right that the father... I understand the father...
CAROLINE: Couldn't be bothered.
(AWKWARD LAUGHTER)
He's... He's not well. He's not well.
CAROLINE: Yeah, that's the story.
Everyone remember the story.
So, uh, I will be performing the father role.
VICAR: Great.
Listen, I didn't mean you don't do anything. Just...
Well, that's a shame, because that's what you said.
No, you know, I mean, nothing like my writing. Nothing...
Safeguarding 30,000 acres of wilderness, that's nothing?
Being on the verge of setting up a podcast on Napoleonic history with a considerable level of investment interest, that's nothing?
No, sure, it's... Crackin' the nut of happiness like a modern day Thoreau, well, that's nothing.
Con. You're great, OK?
You are. I...
It was a dumb thing to say.
Well, here we are.
The ancestral home Caroline didn't inherit.
The thorn in her side, the fishbone in her throat.
When we were kids, she wouldn't even let us look at it.
What do you think?
I mean, it's massive!
I hate it.
KENDALL: Hey, so, listen. FRANK: Mm-hmm?
You know the Canadians, right?
Yves, et cetera?
The pension fund guys?
Yeah. Yeah.
What do they think of me?
How do you mean? What's the context?
I can't give you context.
OK. That's very interesting context.
Look, as a pal... Uh-huh?
(SIGHS)
Say there was a situation where private equity was trying to buy out a major media company and install a new CEO.
How would they view me? Are you serious?
f*ck. So what, they're co-investors?
Come on, you know those guys.
Behind closed doors, are they of the opinion I'm the real deal, or in training?
And would there be room to wet the beak of an old pal in such a situation? Frank, too soon. Too soon.
Get your hard-on out of my soup.
OK.
So? Well...
I think they have a lot of time for you, but there may be certain questions.
Oh, sh*t. Well, you know, they think they're hot sh*ts.
They make hard jokes.
As in?
Well, sometimes when you were absent they used to refer to you as "the calamari cock ring."
I don't even know what that means.
I think it means they think of me as a cock ring made from calamari, Frank, it's pretty self-explanatory.
So what do we say? Well, I thought we were gonna say "illness."
No, I don't like illness. Plays weak.
OK, we can say "busy."
What prick's too busy to attend his own daughter's wedding?
OK, "family rift."
But we background brief that Gil's campaign is like a cult.
"What is this grieving senator's mysterious hold on Shiv Roy?"
We sprinkle some of that.
It makes her look weak. And it makes me look like I'm...
None of my kids have gone round the bend, or offed themselves.
We've always pushed that you're a good dad.
Because? Because you are a good dad.
Huh.
So, if you don't want to say, I mean, work or illness or... rift, do we just...
f*ck it. There's no way out.
I mean, if you want to go...
I don't want to go.
But there's no other f*cking way out.
(PARTY CHATTER)
We can do whatever you want us to do, and I'm so sorry if you think we've done the wrong thing, but they literally just called and told us he was coming.
KENDALL: Who's coming? SHIV: Dad. And Marcia.
Wait... Dad's coming... here? SHIV: Yeah.
I thought you didn't want him to.
I don't.
I mean, it's your wedding, so...
Yeah. I don't want him here.
He's never apologized.
But Marcia called Tom, and...
And obviously I had to ask Shiv.
Meanwhile, she's already called Charlotte, and they're on their way. Dad's coming?
Is it about the launch? Is he concerned?
Yeah, I'm sure he's thinking about that 24/7.
So, I mean, what are you gonna do?
You could just say no. Yeah. I could.
But what, just get security to f*cking stop him?
TOM: Hold on. I could do that.
Yeah you could, but it might cause a funny atmosphere, because he did pay for all this.
If he's got the stones to walk in here, what are we gonna do?
Put the dogs on him? Tell him there's no seat, he's gotta stand?
He's given us no choice.
So now I hear he is coming.
Yeah. Well, that's wonderful.
Oh, come on, Mom. No, no. It's fine.
I just hope you won't forget about me when your father arrives with the head of his Middle Eastern operations.
Marcia? Yeah, Marcia.
Do you still find her a bit...? You know.
Actually, we became quite close during Dad's illness.
Oh, well.
What a sweet little scene that must have been.
Very touching, I'm sure.
Actually, it's quite good. Why?
Just your being the second-most important person at your wedding.
Take the pressure off.
(LIGHT JAZZ COMBO PLAYING)
(CHATTER)
Mm. Oh, this is delicious.
Well, I'm very glad you like it.
Because it cost a pretty penny.
Well, it's delicious. It tastes like it.
Um, sorry. Just a second? Oh, no. Of course.
Hi. Excuse me. Hi there.
Got any protein for us to use?
Protein? I'm not a f*ckin' hen to lay you eggs.
I'm a strategist. I know. It's just... Gil.
What? He'd like a word.
OK.
Hey. Hey! FATHER: Hey. How ya doin'?
I gotta say, you knocked it out of the park with the wine.
It's delicious. (GLASSES CLINK)
Gil.
Listen, I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but I was assured when I accepted that your father wouldn't be here.
I know. Plans changed, I was ambushed.
This is not OK from my POV, Siobhan.
This compromises me.
And you were very eager that Gil would come along.
I mean, it's...
Well, yeah, when I invited you I didn't realize it was gonna be a chore.
He's just weighty, Shiv.
He carries his gravity.
He's not a man, he's a f*cking planet.
Look, there's no press, and there's no pictures.
We got jammers and a f*cking hawk to take out drones.
It'll be like it never happened.
I hear you might have something expl*sive I can use.
Yeah, maybe. I'm working on it.
But just not yet.
Let's destroy ATN, Shiv.
Wouldn't that be a nice wedding gift to the American people?
Oh, yeah, sure, I'm just concerned about collateral damage.
Tom. NATE: Tom?
He'll be fine. Says the man who has literally no idea what he's even talking about.
GIL: Shiv, come on.
I have all the arguments on monopolies, and news, and the coarsening of the public sphere, but I kind of start falling asleep when I hear myself talk.
Give me something salty, Shiv. Get me a stick of dynamite I can shove up his f*ckin' ass!
OK, I get that.
Come here. You know Gil.
Yeah, sure.
Pleased to meet you, Senator Eavis.
Likewise.
How are you finding it outside the evil empire?
Oh, fine. I'm fine, thank you.
And how do you like it here in the lion's den?
Oh, I've been to zoos before.
You like drinking our champagne?
I'm a "champagne for all" guy, not a "gruel for all" guy.
Hey, you know Senator Eavis.
Sword of the dispossessed and lover of vintage champagne.
I guess technically, I should take a swing at you.
Technically, I should call you libelous scum.
Are you gonna calm the sh*t-talk down, or are we gonna have to ramp things up?
Is your dad gonna stop poisoning the discourse of our great republic?
Have you got a laptop?
Do you see the sh*t out there? We're the f*cking good guys now.
Join in, by the way. Feel free.
(GRUNTS) No?
Shiv? I mean, your guy here is sh*t-talkin' our company.
Oh, yeah, we don't talk about that.
That would be a conflict of interest.
Oh, lies!
Oh, 'cause you... Yeah, the lies.
Can't wait for the big one tomorrow. Right?
Well, these hands aren't gonna f*ck themselves.
ROMAN: Nice to meet you, Senator Beavis.
Congratulations. Thanks.
Nice to finally meet you. Tom Wambsgans.
Obviously. Nate.
Uh-huh. Right.
Right.
I just wanted to say thanks for having me.
I'm Tabitha.
Hi. Well, I've heard very little about you.
What can I say?
Best man won.
Ha ha. As in?
You won the Shiv-off, pal.
Good luck.
Right. And who... who are you again?
Nate? Sofrelli?
Did she never... This is embarrassing.
Are you a pal of Kendall's? Yes.
OK. Ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Shiv and I, uh, back in ancient history we...
Oh, right. Oh! Oh, I see.
Oh, OK, maybe she did.
Right. Maybe she did.
Ah. The best man won. (NATE LAUGHS)
Maybe.
There was an uncle who ended up living in Gibraltar with a monkey, and he swindled my mom's grandpa.
We used to come here as kids. She lives nearby.
Oh, very good. Keep the wound fresh and all that.
You know what, I'm gonna split.
I can see my husband-to-be talking to my ex, and it's making me feel like I want to hurl.
So, great to meet you. Yeah, fair. You too.
NATE: Have a good night.
Just to say... so kind of your parents to have paid for all this delicious wine.
Oh, not at all, not at all.
They wanted to make a contribution, so...
So clever the way they're letting every single person know.
Oh. Oh, good...
You OK?
Yeah, I think I just got stabbed by your mom, but I'm not completely sure.
Oh, yeah, that's how it works.
You'll bleed out in about an hour.
Can I... Can I talk to you for... two seconds?
Uh, yeah.
So I just wanted to get you up here to talk about the table plans.
Oh. And have you thought any more about... Ow! whether you want to tell me about the secret thing?
And I just wanted to, uh, say... that I, uh, I did meet Nate.
Oh, you...
You've met Nate before. I think.
No? Oh.
Uh... Oh, well, he's a... you know, he's a good colleague, and, uh, he's a friend of Kendall's.
They ran around in Shanghai together.
And he's a d*ck.
Well, he's OK, but he has a certain dickish quality about him.
Uh-huh. I think I've mentioned him... to you before.
Look, Shiv, uh...
Is this real?
What do you... What do you mean?
Am I... Am I a total jerk?
Uh... Do you really want to do this?
'Cause we don't have to.
Do this?
All the people are here. Yeah.
And... besides, I want to.
I do... I do want to.
I mean, is this...
W-What level are we on?
Are you f*cking around on me?
Tom. Honestly?
This Nate... you know, I can...
I can... There are vibes.
Oh, Tom. What, as soon as two colleagues are close...
D.C. loves gossip.
No, sure.
Sometimes there are rumors, and people, you know, they're not f*cking.
But sometimes they totally are.
Honestly?
This is real.
I'm not f*cking around on you.
Well, I trust you.
Good.
Thank you.
And that put... puts my mind at rest.
So...
You know, when... when we met, I was in such a mess.
I need you. Hmm?
I do.
I...
If you want to know about the secret stuff, the cruise line stuff, I'll tell you.
Because we have to be able to trust.
Right?
Yeah?
Yeah, that'd be great.
(SNORTING)
Hey. Hey. How ya doin'? Hi.
Where are the kids? They're upstairs.
Cool. They're sleeping.
Yeah. Right. I saw Shiv.
How are the happy couple? OK?
Good, you know, maintaining the veneer.
Mm-hmm. You OK?
I'm fantastic. I did, like, 120 push-ups this morning, so, yeah, I think I'm OK.
Wow. Wow. You did 120 push-ups.
Rava, I just have a lot goin' on right now.
It's not... not one of your more relaxing interludes?
Yeah. It's not.
I'm, uh, I'm a big f*ckin' stress knot. What can I tell you?
I probably have a tumor eating me inside-out.
You want another drink?
Your lawyers have gotten a little quiet on me, so I'm just wondering if that's...
Oh, yeah, I don't know about that.
Can you maybe give them a little nudge?
Sure.
I'll give them a nudge.
Ken. Ken.
Hmm?
I know you... Oh, yeah, you do?
Yeah, I know you. Really.
And if you want to talk, I am here.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm good.
Hmm.
Yeah, you know what, the truth is my lawyers are stonewalling because your lawyers are trying to f*ck me over.
So shall we just leave it to them, and then you and me can just flirt and you can do your whole la-dee-f*ckin'-da smile and we can just be all chummy and everything because I love all that sh*t?
Have a f*ckin' line if you need one that badly.
Yeah, I will, OK?
f*ck you. Thanks.
Everything isn't what you think. You know?
You can't see inside me just 'cause I've told you the occasional...
MAN: Sorry.
(JAZZ COMBO CONTINUES PLAYING)
Well, well, well. What the f*ck's going on here?
This looks mighty f*cking cozy.
Um... hi. Hi, Kendall.
Hi. We were just... well, we were just saying that I think that the first time I came here was back when you guys were kids, like... maybe 1986, I think?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Remember that?
Right. Great. (CLEARS THROAT)
Sorry. I'm sorry. I should, uh... circulate.
OK. All rightie.
We'll see ya later. Yep.
Well, I'm happy to tell, but do we have to do it tonight?
You know, 'cause it's about the corporate cover-up of crimes and institutionalized sexual abuse.
Oh, f*ck.
Well... bad for Dad. Great for Gil.
It's not very "wedding-y."
Yeah, still...
OK. So...
(EXHALES) there were payoffs, there was... legal and semi-illegal intimidation...
And do you personally have plausible deniability?
Yes, I think so. Yeah.
Digital deep-clean, and I shredded the paper material.
Great. An outside team.
And inside, signed the paper out... Greg.
Greg. Yeah.
Just thought family would be safest, and Greg's expendable. You know.
What, you'd... k*ll Greg?
No. But you know, he's family, right?
So we shut him up. Yeah, OK, right.
What are you gonna do with this?
'Cause if I give you the details, it could really hurt me, Shiv.
You're not gonna let me get hurt?
No.
I'll need specifics.
OK.
So...
So.
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)
Keep him away from me.
Your father's making a subtle entrance... as I see.
Hey.
Come on. Forbidden fruit.
Nate.
Has the chicken laid the egg?
Uh, no. Not yet. No joy.
Look at you.
I'm desperate to make you concentrate on nothing but me for just 15 minutes.
You think I used to concentrate on you?
Nate.
So, Greg Egg.
Ah. How long do you give it?
I'm sorry?
The marriage. How long do you give it?
Oh...
Is there doubt afoot?
I mean, I for one think they look solid as a rock.
But there you go, I'm just an old romantic.
Yeah, yeah!
Here we are. Thank you.
Hello. Hey.
I'm feeling... much better.
He's much improved.
Great.
Though you weren't actually invited.
Maybe I can get them to make you an omelet and find you a chair.
I think usually the ones who are paying get a chair, no?
Oh. I didn't realize you'd contributed, Marcia.
So rude of me. Thank you.
Let's get to the f*ckin' room, shall we?
How is the big man? Well, well, well.
It's good to see you. You good?
All good. Everything is good, acquisition-wise.
All we have to do is shut down the voice of the f*ckin' people over there.
STEWY: Oh, there he is. (LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
Will you excuse me? Absolutely.
(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
Kendall.
KENDALL: Hey, Dad.
So, what about it, son?
You want to jump out of the trenches and play a game of soccer?
Can I bring you some corn to get you through the winter?
How ya doin'? What's the news?
Oh, keepin' busy.
You need a reference for your résumé?
Relatively punctual.
Prone to bouts of insubordination.
Yeah, well, you know.
So... how long are you gonna f*ck about on the outside?
Uh-huh. You recruiting?
What, new Head of Being Continually Thwarted?
How would a TV network suit you? Huh?
One of the big guys when I land it.
Could that work?
You feelin' the heat on your own?
Yeah? A little?
You want me back? Like to...
Like to put that in a press release?
I'm just a lovely guy.
Can you top me up, please?
So? What was all that about, cocksucker?
Oh, he was just telling me what a sensational job you're doing.
f*ck you.
Did he mention the launch?
Does he know that I've accelerated?
(SHORT LAUGH)
Say something f*ckin' funny?
Hello. Oh.
Caroline Collingwood. Mother of the bride.
Oh. Hi, I'm Stewy.
So, how long do you give it?
(LAUGHS) Uh, I'd say forever.
Or until Shiv goes away for the week, whichever comes first.
Excuse me.
You... beast.
Hi. Mom. I hear you're asking
"how long you give it."
Just a cheeky icebreaker.
OK, well, it's pretty f*ckin' horrible.
It's not all about you, Shiv.
Other people need something to say.
OK, well, can you ask them about the price of f*cking fish instead?
I like your girlfriend, Ro.
Oh, thank you. I met her at a sex party where she was giving the groom a blowjob.
(CAROLINE LAUGHS)
You should marry that one. Excuse me?
And Shiv, stop taking everything so seriously.
I'm trying to sparkle.
When people ask me how long I give it, I say forever.
OK, well... It will be forever.
Well, thank you. Or it'll feel like forever.
She says she's being impish.
She's being a stone cold bitch.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, you want to meet up later tonight? All together?
At the place? Yeah.
So, uh...
you talked to the white whale?
What'd he have to say?
Nothing. I mean, he's just shoring up his position.
It's not real. He's under pressure.
Are you good? No wobbles, right? You OK?
I'm not gonna get coldcocked here, am I?
'Cause I heard from Frank the Canadians might not be too keen on me.
You talked to the f*cking grandfather clock?
Has he signed anything?
No, that would just be rude.
I mean, he... he... he... he used to give me flying lessons in his f*ckin' Cessna.
Come on, man.
You're not a little prince anymore.
Don't rely on Sir Talky of Fuckchester, please.
He's good, Stewy.
(CHATTER)
GIL: Are we working upstate, or...
Ah. Mr. Fuckhead, I presume.
GIL: Logan Roy, Logan Roy, Logan Roy.
Are we allowed to talk?
I've nothing but admiration for you personally, Mr. Roy.
Oh, really?
It's the sort of thing you say, isn't it?
Ooh. Classy.
So, what is it you've got against me?
You're the one making it personal.
I'm just trying to do my job, think of everyone, not just myself.
The interest of each is the good of all.
That is the whole of the law.
You don't need to remind me of my Adam Smith.
I taught economics. Where? Kindergarten?
What about "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need"?
What about, and this isn't me talking, but what about me, Mr. f*cking Ability, busting my chops in my auto shop so that some needy f*ck from the projects can jack off on my time?
That's the issue, I'm afraid.
Well, I find that a very reductive view of human nature.
I didn't make human nature, but I do know what they read and what they watch.
I make my nut off what people really want.
Don't tell me about people.
I'd go flat broke in a week if I didn't.
MARCIA: Nice to meet you, Senator.
GIL: Yeah.
SHIV: Sleep well, Dad.
MARCIA: Night. Thank you.
Might be your last good one for a decade or so.
Hmm?
The cruise situation.
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
Yeah, sure.
Well, you might soon.
Unless...
You could afford to be un peu plus agréable, Siobhan.
You don't understand, Marcia.
Well, I know when I see a spoiled slut.
Excuse me?
Tu m'entends.
What the f*ck? Who are you?
Apart from a machine for gathering power?
You don't know how vulnerable a human being can be.
Oh, for f*ck's sake.
Have you ever had a f*cking grapefruit without an agenda?
He made you a playground, and you think it's a whole world.
Well, va te faire foutre.
Go out and see how you like it.
f*ck off.
Well, you two seem to be the best of friends.
Don't.
Aw, come on. It's OK.
Hey. Pinky.
Someone will be in touch.
Great.
Mmwahh.
Hmm.
You know, you're f*ckin' great.
Thank you!
You're not a head f*ck.
Or a bitch or a leech.
(SPITS)
You say such pretty things.
You never once asked to stay over... or how it works with my dad, or the trust, or what my stake is, you know?
I'm just pathologically incurious.
What if I was prepared to marry you?
Hello?
Hiya. (LAUGHS)
Right. What?
Shiv's getting married, Kendall got married...
I see. So, how about you come down off of Mt. Olympus and propose to a mere mortal?
Yeah, what if?
No. No?
Crazy. Why is this crazy?
Because this isn't a normal relationship.
Why?
Well, um, for one thing, we never f*ck.
Oh, yeah, we do.
No, we don't. Yeah, come on, yeah, we do, we've been busy, that's all.
No, you, like, kind of jerked off near me, once.
There's no need to be disgusting.
To be honest, Roman, I've had more sexual contact with the groom than I have with you.
I asked you not to talk about that.
I've slept with a lot of guys, Roman Roy, and if that is gonna be a problem, you better say.
It's not gonna be a problem, it's Tom's.
You want to get married or not?
Babe.
Do you think this is the way to get someone to stay?
SHIV: Hey-hey, Gerri.
Thank you for meeting me here.
Uh-huh. What is this?
Uh, just a chat.
Right. It's your wedding; why do I feel like I'm about to get f*cked?
OK, it's late. Here's the situation.
I know all about the cruise division horror show.
And the cover-up.
And Gil wants to go to town on you, but maybe I can get him to hold off if ATN stops the personal stuff.
Gil's wife.
You want us to stop attacking him?
Poor liddle fwagile pwesidential candidate.
No, keep attacking him all through the primaries, fire up our base, and then just back off for the general.
They're journalists, Shiv, not remote-controlled little...
Yeah, sure they are. I just feel confident that, you know, a little public comment or two from my dad, an email, and the minions realign pretty quick.
(SHORT LAUGH)
So you are, um... just to be clear...
Oh, yeah. No, I'm bullying you.
Yes. I'm blackmailing you.
I'm threatening to destroy my father, however you want to put it. And you're happy with that?
Oh, come on, it is what it is.
You used to be such a nice girl.
And Tom needs to be clean. Oh.
Move him on, move him up... maybe abroad.
Clean hands.
You're very pushy, missy.
Thank you, fairy godmother.
And if I was authorized to accept, can you get Mr. Smith to f*ck off back to Washington and not pull down his pants to show off his amazing morals?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can persuade him that a dirty LBJ gets more done than a clean McGovern.
(SIGHS)
OK, well, good night.
Hey.
No marriage advice from my dear old godmother?
I don't know. I was never very good at all that.
My husband d*ed.
Don't let him die?
OK, what is this? I was in the middle of a conversation.
Dude, I am super-sorry. Jess, could you give us a second?
No. Stew? Seriously.
Ken, I got... I got Sandy on the line.
Sandy?
f*ck. What is it?
He can tell you.
You can say, Stew. What's with the theatrics?
WOMAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE): Can you hold for Mr. Furness?
STEWY: He was just there. Where'd he go?
You're not gonna say? Seriously?
Is this the coldcock?
I think it's just best that he tell you. That's all.
You're such a p*ssy.
Is... Is it... Is this, uh, Canadian sh*t?
Um... it's about that bear hug letter.
Starting the takeover? OK.
An acceleration.
No, no, no. No, no, no. f*ck off.
This weekend.
Hello, Sandy? At my sister's wedding?
Are you insane? What do you want this to be, One Wedding and Four f*ckin' Funerals?
SANDY (ON SPEAKERPHONE): Hello?
Hi. Yeah, he told me already.
No, absolutely not, no way, no. No! f*ck this!
SANDY: Listen, but you told Frank Vernon.
I t... I...
That has... I... I hinted.
We've been contacted by a reporter, and they know something's cooking.
We have to go tomorrow or risk a leak, which kills us.
No. N... We're all together, OK?
This is... This is not a good time.
Well, it really is a good time.
Your dad's out of the loop in the UK, we catch him off-guard.
No.
I... I need to, uh, you know, pr... p-p-p-prepare.
Uh, I... I...
Sandy, I need... prep time.
OK? F-For the approach.
You can't make an omelet without breaking some dicks.
Look, I'm sorry. OK?
We'll be in touch with the letter, and let's close-coordinate on the minute it's presented.
OK? Thanks, kid.
(DISCONNECTS) m*therf*cker.
(ROMAN HUMMING)
Hey. How ya doin'? Hey.
Where's Con?
KENDALL: Uh... Did...?
Con? Was he invited? Did you tell him?
Oh... Come on. What? Oh.
You want me to get him? I told Willa.
Uh... my...
f*cking hell!
Why did you get in the boat?
No, I'm good. I got sh*t to do.
What?! Why are we here?
I thought this was for old times.
Uh... No?
What about you, you wanna smoke my jay?
KENDALL: No, I got sh*t to do too. A lot cookin'.
What the f*ck! Really?
All right, one hit.
There we go, m*therf*cker.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Diss.
Intercepted. Old times.
So listen, guys, um...
I do have something I need to tell you.
Um... I was at Mom's earlier, she had me going through her papers and stuff, sortin' through some sh*t, and it turns out, uh, Shiv... you're adopted.
And Ken? You're adopted.
And Connor is obviously adopted.
And so all that sh*t's comin' to me, so you can f*ck off.
I'm sorry, I don't know why I asked you down here.
ROMAN: No, it's good.
Congratulations.
I'm happy for you.
I'm happy for you.
Thanks.
It's gotta not be so easy for you to be on the outside, seeing me do big sh*t.
Yeah.
Big of you. Thank you.
Yeah, well... uh... can I suggest a hug?
You serious? (LAUGHS) What is it... What?
Yeah. I'm serious. Why?
Just... come on. Bring it in.
You know you want to. I'm goin' butt-first.
(LAUGHING) Here I come.
Here we all are! Ahh!
(MAKING MONKEY NOISES)
Ow! I think I cut the nipple right off!
(LAUGHING)
I don't know, I mean, like, I think I owe it to him, but I don't want to be the one to tell him.
You know?
I mean, like, what if he finds out that I knew?
Like... I either...
I either owe it to tell him... owe it to him to tell him, or I don't owe it to him to totally t... not tell him.
I think tell him.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Maybe don't?
I don't f*ckin' know.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(TYPING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
KENDALL: Right.
Well, no we can't do that because that'll trigger the disclosure...
(CONTINUES, INDISTINCT)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SHEEP BLEATING)
GREG: Oh, sh*t. That's him. Wait. Stop. Stop.
Great night. Th-Thanks for the ride.
GREG: Hey, Tom! TOM: Hey, hey!
Hey, wait up! Morning, Greg! (LAUGHS)
Look, Tom, uh, I... I, uh, didn't know... (CLEARS THROAT) like, exactly how to tell you this, and I've been up all night trying to think exactly how to... broach...
So I want to just say that... that...
I think that Shiv is, like...
No. N...
I think she's having an affair.
No. You're wrong.
No... No, I'm... I mean, not...
Shut up, Greg. Shut up.
Well, no, because I s... I...
You are. You're wrong. Maybe I'm wrong.
You are wrong, so we're all good.
OK. G-Good. OK? So, good.
Thank you for your time.
Yeah. And you don't want to hear...
I don't want to hear anything, Greg, because it was a misunderstanding, OK?
I saw what I saw... Shut up.
I just said shut up. Shut the f*ck up.
All right, but I think you should know...
No. Shut... Shut the f*ck up, Greg.
I'm trying to help you. Shut up, will ya?
f*ckin' shut up. Dude! What the hell?!
I told you to f*ckin' shut up!
GREG: Get off of me!
Just shut up! What the f*ck, man?!
Yeah, I... Shut up!
GIL: You know, I was quite outraged when she suggested this.
I don't like being outside the U.S. for too long.
Doesn't sit well.
And there's a mercilessness I miss.
I'm not used to these squalid little deals.
Yeah, living with the safety catch off, f*ckin' without a rubber.
Everywhere else feels so soft.
I mean, look at this f*ckin' place.
Yeah, well, it... it's all quite refined.
LOGAN: Refined? Ahh.
Slaves. Cotton and sugar.
This country's nothing but an off-shore laundry for turning evil into hard currency.
(LAUGHS)
Is this where you tell me you're working for the communists?
And now it just lies here, living off its capital, sucking in immigrants to turn it and stop it getting bed sores.
I was looking forward to taking you down.
You've got a very persuasive daughter.
But doesn't a deal feel so much better?
Handshake?
I don't think either of us want to get dirty, do we?
(CHATTER)
Yeah.
(CHATTER)
(PRINTER BUZZING)
STEWY: You want to game it?
KENDALL: Sure.
Deliver the letter, he calls emergency board... we go public, world blows up.
The arbs dive in, he tells the world some fairy tales, talks poison pill, other defenses, board says, "Hang on, we don't want to get sued."
(CHATTER)
Thank you.
(LAUGHS)
Dad says, "f*ck the shareholders," he calls analysts, calls hedge funds, tries to find a white knight, calls us, tells us to f*ck off.
He's a good man, Pinky.
He's a good man.
Price rockets, because everyone knows we're gonna win.
STEWY: You think there's a chance he'll just do a deal?
Have you met my dad?
Nope. He'll never retreat.
It'll be hostile, hostile, hostile.