08x21 - How You Like Them Pancakes?

[bunniefuu]

Oh, here's great news.

What, they cloned Peyton Manning?

[Mike chuckles]

No, better.

Well, actually, not better.

Different.

Eve's coming home from the Air Force Academy this weekend.

What?!

That's great!

Well, it's been months.

What, uh...

what are you guys gonna do?

I don't know.

Whatever she wants.

It's her weekend.

All right, well, whatever you're doing, count me in.

Batting cages, sh**ting...

cages.

[Mutters]: Cages.

Pretty sure they outlawed sh**ting cages years ago.

All right, well, whatever.

Whatever.

Look, I like our daughter, and I want to spend time with her, and that means spending time with you.

Thanks for making that sound like a chore.

No, I'm just saying, she's been daddy's little tomboy since she was ten.

Do you remember when she was ten?

She used her tea set for skeet sh**ting practice.

"Throw it up, Dad!

Pull!" [Imitates g*nsh*t, whistles]

Just-just warms my heart.

No, actually, that was my tea set, and for a week, I had to drink my tea out of a bowl, like a cat.

Okay, how about this?

How about this?

I do something with her, then you do something with her.

No, she doesn't want to do anything with me.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

She loves doing stuff with you.

Like, like, um, you...

Um, you, um...

hmm.

Oh, well, you have, uh...

Oh, boy, that's...

I keep...

Okay.

What would be fun for us to do with her together?

[Gasps]

How about this?

How about...

how about, uh, Sunday Morning Breakfast Club?

Great!

Yeah.

Why didn't I think of that?

Yeah.

Because I don't know what that is.

Well, when you were on the road with Outdoor Man, I would make pancakes for the girls with whatever special ingredient they wanted...

chocolate chips, marshmallows, sprinkles.

Wait.

Whoa, whoa.

So when I was gone, you-you had cake for breakfast?

Well, yes, it's sweet, and everybody loves it, just like you.

Everybody loves a compliment, and that worked, so I'm in 100%.

Okay.

I will tell Eve to get ready for her Breakfast Jamboree.

Mm-mm.

Breakfast Club.

No.

New law from California.

If you have sprinkles in it, it's called a "jamboree".

♪♪ Hey, hey.

Welcome home.

Hey!

Hello!

Oh.

I like the salute.

I want all my daughters to start doing that.

Force of habit.

Cadets learn it's safest to salute anything that looks older and taller, which, for me, is just everybody.

Hey.

Welcome home.

Thanks.

I thought you'd be at work.

I'm the boss.

I can do whatever I want.

Oh.

I got to be back in 23 minutes.

Mm.

You know what?

You've been gone so long, I just...

I can't stop hugging you.

Yeah, that was kind of a problem while you were driving.

[Vanessa laughs]

All right, look, I'll put this away.

I got it.

Oh.

Whoa!

[Laughs]

Gosh, you've gotten so strong.

So, uh, what's the plans for the weekend?

Mom wouldn't give me any details, but she said it was something big.

So...

bear hunting?

Better than bear hunting.

Get ready for this.

Sunday Breakfast Club.

Uh, is that a show on NPR or something?

NPR in this house?

You have been gone a while.

Well, well, what is it?

That Sunday Morning Breakfast Club thing you did when I was on the road.

Pancakes, pajamas, sprinkles?

Oh, right.

That had a name?

According to your mom, it did.

I do remember Mandy and Kris ganging up on me over what to watch.

Good luck with that now.

I've learned eight different ways to snap a neck.

Lucky for you.

Mandy can't even snap her fingers.

It will be fun this weekend.

At least let your mom think it's fun, okay?

Of course, Dad.

You've raised an excellent liar.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Got your bag halfway down the hall.

Pilates just doesn't really work the upper body, so...

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Dad just told me about Breakfast Club.

Yay!

Yay!

I love it.

It's gonna be so much fun.

And if it isn't that much fun, she's got a new tea set.

Morning, everybody.

Hey, Baxter.

Hey.

Eve get home okay?

Mm-hmm.

Did you tell her I said "hi"?

Ah, shucks.

I forgot.

I'll go back.

Look at that...

our new busboy!

Oh, man.

Listen...

two things.

It's very hard work, but...

the hours are long.

Welcome aboard, Jen.

Let me know if you have any problems.

Well, somebody did eat my lunch out of the break room fridge.

Uh, wait, what's that I hear?

Someone ate Jen's lunch?

Yeah, that's-that's the full report so far, Ed.

Uh, attention, everyone, please.

It seems that in our midst is someone who does not understand boundaries.

You see, Jen...

the newest member of our family...

[Clears throat]

brought a delicious meal of, um...

[Speaking Chinese]

Yes, yes, that, that, and see, someone got to it before she did.

On behalf of Outdoor Man, I apologize.

Thank you, Mr.

Alzate.

And if it happens again, I'll be eating one of you.

[Chuck chuckles]

It'd be a bigger thr*at if all your food wasn't soft.

So then the squirrel put his head inside the bag of corn chips.

But then, when he pulled his head back up, the bag was still on it, like a little hat.

[Laughs]

Oh, I wish I had it on video.

Yeah, I wish I could get the last 20 minutes of my life back.

Hey, uh, interrupting?

Yeah, and I love you for it.

Uh, so, Kris was telling me about this whole Breakfast Club thing.

Oh, yeah.

Mandy's so excited.

When I was growing up, the breakfast club was just the thing you got hit with when your mom couldn't find the lunch stick.

Anyway, uh, I wanted to let you know that Kris won't be there.

Wait a minute, what do you mean she can't be there?

Uh, her due date is next week, and I just want her home in a more controlled environment.

Says the perfect control freak.

How is that being controlling?

Second babies come faster, okay?

And I want Kris to be at our house, where I've packed the go-bag and a birthing plan, and a detailed breakdown of which doctors and nurses work well together.

Look, Ryan, I totally get it, and it's impressive how you've got all the details of this birth worked out that raise no red flags whatsoever.

Okay, well, then I will just explain to Vanessa why Kris can't come.

No, no, no, come on.

This is...

this is important that the girls are there, all right?

If she goes into labor, you know I'm gonna call you.

Look, I wasn't there the first time Kris gave birth.

Okay?

And I don't want to take any chances this time.

So if you insist that she be there, then I am coming, too.

Come on, Ryan, it's one night.

She's gonna be fine.

Listen...

Kyle, tell Ryan he's being ridiculous.

All right, Mandy's pregnant, too; should I be worried?

She's not due for seven months.

Ryan, tell Kyle he's being ridiculous.

Yeah, but if Kristin goes into labor, maybe it'll make Mandy go into labor.

You know, what if having a baby is like yawning?

It's contagious.

Yeah, yeah, I'd like to see you ask any woman giving birth, "Hey, is this like yawning?" All right, if Ryan's going to the Breakfast Club thing, then I'm going, too.

Oh, I am definitely going.

Okay.

Guess I have no choice.

All right.

Oh, on your way out, I want you to get under that couch.

I have a dinner bat I'd like to...

Mike: Okay, here's how it goes, all right?

You got five minutes in the morning to eat something and say your hellos, right?

Then you got to go downstairs or upstairs.

Common areas, off-limits.

You have never sounded more like my mother.

Thanks for letting us do this.

I hope Vanessa wasn't too upset.

She took it pretty well.

Hey, there she is.

Hey, welcome back.

Whatever.

She, on the other hand, did not.

Maybe we should go talk to her.

No, I'll talk to her.

I'll be right back.

Eve.

Totally unacceptable.

Tough.

I'm really upset.

Keep your voice down, please.

It's not fair.

I only get one weekend here.

Yeah, I know, you wanted to make a special weekend with your sisters, but...

come on, they're family.

Ryan and Kyle are great, but they're just not my sisters.

Oh...

Sorry, there's nothing I can do.

I just thought I could have one day with them, like we used to when we were kids.

I guess that was just a stupid dream.

I'm just a stupid kid with a stupid dream!

You're not stupid.

I just feel like...

Sometimes I feel...

[Mouthing]

Cold?

Scared!

Scared, scared.

Cold and scared.

Why don't Ryan and Kyle want me to feel safe?

I don't think it's about safe.

I think they think this is love.

Hey.

Hey, I needed a minute.

Okay, Mike.

Wow.

Let's talk.

Yeah.

We heard what you guys were saying.

Damn it.

I told her to keep her voice down.

And yet, somehow she got louder.

I'm a Baxter.

I always get louder.

We just didn't realize that this was so important to you.

So we're gonna leave.

Cool.

See you later.

Okay, Mike, you win this one.

But I am gonna be sleeping in my car with the motor running, okay?

So call me if anything happens.

Cool.

See you later.

Hey, you are brave.

Listen, how committed are you to this Air Force thing?

You might try acting.

Well, the way I heard it, the squirrel got his head stuck in a bag.

Uh-huh.

And when he sat up, it looked like a hat.

Huh.

I heard it was a bear.

All right, how would a squirrel get his head stuck in a bear?

No.

Ed, I'm...

[Stammers]

Oh, come on!

It happened again?

Oh...

Yes.

Look at me.

I can't afford to skip a meal.

Unbelievable.

This is...

this is unbelievable.

Chuck, what are we gonna do about this?

Huh?

Surveillance cameras?

Poison booby traps?

What?

I can put a sign on the fridge.

Excellent, do that.

Don't worry.

We're gonna put a stop to this madness.

Chuck: Yeah.

Well, I don't want someone to get in trouble.

No, hey, it's too late for that.

Ed's on the warpath.

Ed: Yeah.

Good, because I do want someone to get in trouble.

Oh, yes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go home and get more food.

What has two thumbs, is super excited for a sleepover and pees every five minutes?

[Chuckles]

This gal!

[Chuckles]

I can't wait till I pee every five minutes.

I love being pregnant.

Oh!

Good, you're back.

Did you get everything on the list?

Yeah?

Yes.

Pancake mix, bacon, eggs, assorted sugary toppings.

There was a six-year-old in line that asked if he could come live with us.

[Mike and Vanessa chuckle]

Hey, where are you going with that bag?

There's nothing in here you need to know about.

You know what, this warms my heart.

Tomorrow, all my girls are gonna be doing the Sunday Morning Breakfast Club again.

Just like when I was a kid.

Except that I'm pregnant.

Just like when I was a kid.

Hey, why don't we watch something we watched when we were little, like, um, The Princess Diaries.

Mmm, uh, The Princess Bride.

Yeah.

What about the Corpse Bride?

You know what?

Just forget the bride.

Let's just watch something with a corpse in it.

No.

Ew.

Sorry, Eve.

Two to one.

Yeah, you lose again.

Just like the old days.

Yeah, the olden days.

Terrible.

Country was divided.

Nobody trusted the president.

Good thing we fixed that.

Let's go get into our jammies.

Ooh, yeah, mani-pedis.

Ooh, oatmeal facials.

Mmm.

Okay, this is where I head to the den to watch action flicks.

Oh.

Mandy: Okay.

Those have corpses in them.

I'm in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, Mike.

Mike, Mike.

Mike, hang on a sec.

Hang on a sec.

Uh, listen, I...

I really appreciate everything you've done.

Anything for you, honey.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, uh, really?

Because there...

there is one more thing I need you to do.

Whatever you want.

Leave.

[Chuckles]

Like, forever?

You want me to leave.

So, where would you like me to go?

I don't know.

Wherever you used to go when I...

when I did this with the girls.

Oh.

You want me to go to Southeast Asia.

No.

No.

No, no, no, closer, you know, in case there's a fire.

Um...

Oh, you know what?

Uh, could you sleep in your truck?

So, what I'm getting, you...

you want me here as long as I'm not here.

So, really, couldn't be clearer.

[Sighs]

No, you know, I-I think I figured out why I love these breakfasts so much.

The girls would g*ng up on Eve, like-like they did just now, and then...

and then she would come hang with me.

You want them to pick on her?

No, no, no, it's not that I want that.

It's-it's just...

It's a good thing.

[Chuckles softly]

She doesn't need to be bullied to want to hang out with you.

She loves spending time with you.

Yeah, but unfortunately, she likes spending time with you more.

Guys.

Let me try to explain...

No, Mandy, give me a second.

Just a second.

Listen, just because we have shared interests doesn't mean she likes me better than she likes you.

No, no, no.

Guys!

No, Mandy, stop.

No, look, it just is something I feel, that-that this is...

Uh, guys?

I think I'm in labor.

Why didn't you say something?

Honey, hey!

Mike: I'm gonna text Ryan.

Is there a birth emoji?

[Laughs]

Mr.

Alzate?

Mr.

Alzate?

Yeah.

I hate to tell you this.

Yeah?

Oh.

Oh.

For the love of Satan's dinner.

[Sighs]

Okay, I'm gonna make a new sign.

It's gonna be bigger and all caps.

"Eat your own food".

It's okay, Mr.

Larabee.

I'll handle this.

Okay.

Hey, everybody!

Somebody ate my lunch.

Again!

It was spot prawn fried rice with shiitake mushrooms.

But one of you already knew that.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

And I have a warning for whoever ate it.

Hmm.

I added a little-known pepper called làjiao.

Loosely translated, it means "time b*mb".

It's also known as "the widow-maker".

[Ed and Chuck chuckle]

Why would they call it that?

Jen: Oh, it's mild at first, but once digested, you beg for death.

[Laughs]

Oh, this is going to be fun.

I brought some Burmese ginger, which is the only remedy.

So, come see me when you're in the most excruciating pain of your life, Mr.

Sticky Fingers.

Or Karen.

I understand you're upset, but you've crossed the line.

May I see you in my office, please?

Hmm?

Okay, now, just, uh...

all right.

Quick-quick, j-just give me the ginger.

Give me the ginger.

The ginger.

You ate my lunch?

Please.

I thought I could get away with just one bite, but then I had another and another and ano...

It just made more sense just to finish it.

Please, just...

Come on.

You can't buy your own lunch?

Of course I can.

I'm a very rich man.

I can fly to China and get a lettuce cup if I want.

But there's something about your cooking that's...

It's just...

Free?

Jen, please.

Sorry.

Just give me the ginger, please.

You don't need it.

I lied about the pepper to catch you.

Boom!

You walked right into her trap.

[Laughs]

Oh...

Holy...

I'm-I'm not proud of my behavior.

I sincerely apologize.

Mr.

Alzate, if you like my food so much, then I'll bring a little extra for you tomorrow.

Oh, uh, I like Chinese food, too.

But I don't steal it.

Well, I will make some more for you as well.

All right.

That's great.

That's a good idea, but just don't keep it in the break room fridge.

You can't trust those jackals.

No way.

Five bucks says they do not announce that one.

I can always use five bucks.

[P.A. chimes]

Woman [over P.A.]: Dr.

Bleedin.

Dr.

Izzie Bleedin, please call the admitting office.

[Elevator bell dings]

I knew this would happen.

I knew it would happen.

I knew it.

He knew it.

Listen, everything is gonna be fine.

Vanessa and Mandy are with her right now.

Yeah, and Dr.

Leakin is on duty.

[Laughs]

Dr.

Rufus Leakin.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, he sounds British.

Ryan, go in there and get her.

You know, she's gonna be fine, you're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be great.

Okay.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Uh, room three.

Yeah.

Okay.

Thanks.

Well, how is she?

Great, great.

It's gonna be a while, though.

What's with you?

The sounds back there, they...

weren't human.

All right, uh, let's get you some air, babe.

What have you done to me?

What have you done to me?!

I'm guessing this isn't how you wanted to spend your time at home.

You probably wish you were watching action movies in the den with your dad.

Nonsense.

She probably wishes she was making pancakes in the kitchen with you while some slob slept in his truck.

No.

You know, they say it doesn't matter where you are when you're with family.

It just matters that you're with family.

They are wrong.

But that's what they say.

Yeah, and to a lot of other people, I am they.

You know, actually, I kind of wish we were at that pottery place we used to go to.

Remember?

Where we made those plates.

I don't remember that.

No.

I don't remember that.

Yeah, that's right.

We never did.

Because I have terrible parents.

Oh, stop.

Come on.

Don't even joke like that.

We're great.

We're great parents.

I've met your parents.

They're-they're terrific.

At least one of them is wonderful.

Yeah, they're okay.

You want to hear something cool I learned in flight training?

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Always fuel up that plane before you take off.

If you're flying, and one of your engines dies, you can actually keep flying.

Oh, my God, that sounds terrifying.

Or kind of cool.

Oh, no, no, I certainly hope that never happens to you.

Me, too.

Because even though you can keep flying with one engine...

it's way better with two.

Way better.

It's way better with two.

[Murmurs quietly]

Mm.

[P.A. chimes]

Woman [over P.A.]: Dr.

McCracken.

Dr.

Phil McCracken, please call the admitting office.

Yes.

Give me my five back.

Thank you.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, doing my Deadpool moment.

If you're seeing this, it means I've launched my Emergency Vlogcast System.

See.

just because I'm not actually here doesn't mean you should be deprived of the best part of your week.

So I keep a backup vlog file organized by theme.

Small government.

Really small government.

And my personal favorite, no government.

Now that file's getting pretty big.

But today, I want to talk about velocity and how fast animals grow.

Particularly the mammals we call our kids.

They go from zero to grown up in the blink of an eye, don't they?

From tricycle to streamliner sh**ting across the Bonneville Salt Flats.

Boom, they're gone.

One day you're putting on their diapers on backwards, the next day they're putting on your diapers frontwards.

And as these mammals grow and change, they tend to migrate back and forth between the parents, don't they?

My girls all started out clutching their mom's apron strings, till they figured out my apron strings were bourbon-flavored barbecue sauce soaked in 'em.

[Chuckles]

Dee-lish!

Yeah, during the blur of your kid growing up too fast, one day you're the favorite, next day your wife will have the upper hand.

Now, the important thing to remember is the day will come when they take you both entirely for granted.

Baxter out.

[Chicken clucks]