04x06 - Never Ricking Morty

[bunniefuu]

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

Tickets, please.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Barkeep. A drink for my colleague.

Do I know you?

I know the only reason to travel by train is to travel with weapons.

And we all know that at the end of this line, there's only one creature worth k*lling.

The man in the white coat.

May as well take turns exchanging stories.

Mine begins on planet Ramamama.

Lower him into acid.

Once he's dissolved, lower someone else into acid.

Is he dissolved?

At least use the downtime to reset the acid lowerer.

I really don't like the attitude around here.

It's a very "lower me into acid" attitude.

[DOOR SLAMS OPEN]

Who are you?

[FARTS]

How did you reach my sanctum?

- [FARTS]
- All right, this is going in circles.

Seize him!

- Aah!
- Aah!

[ALL SHOUTING]

♪ ♪

[GLASS SHATTERS]

- Aah!
- Aah!

[FARTING]

Very well.

Now I will fight you.

Anyway, he tells a different version of the story where I start crying or something.

That's why he has to die.

'Cause he's a liar.

So... why are you going to k*ll Rick Sanchez?

Okay, I don't know who that is.

I don't accept your weird leap in logic that has everyone on a train going to k*ll one guy.

And even if I did, why would we take turns telling stories about it like little girls at a sleepover?

If you're trying to be hurtful, you're doing a good job.

I'll take his turn.

Here's why I'm going to k*ll Rick Sanchez.

- You guys have fun with this.
- Dissolve to a clam-shaped sun rising over a giant beach.

Whew. [SIGHS]

By then, of course, he had left toys and flesh drops for every one of us in the spore-hive.

Ah, a newcomer! I suppose you think you have a better story about how Rick Sanchez saved Space Christmas.

- What is with the Rick Sanchez obsession?
- [LAUGHTER]

I think the best way to answer that is with my Christmas Rick Tale.

Whoo!

Could've used Rudolph tonight!

Oh, thank God. I'm not too late.

I don't know how to thank you, Goomby.

No need. You just go in there and have a nice time.

I will. Thanks.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hey.

Merry Christmas, Goomby.

Merry Christmas, Rick.

Oh. Uh...

Oh, it's okay.

I-I don't have to. Sorry if that was...

No. Um, um, I can ask.

No, no, no, I don't wanna be a burden.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, there's just... there's a lot of people. Family.

- I get it.
- You know? You're not mad?

Totally fine. Bye.

[WIND WHISTLING]

[LAUGHTER]

That... Okay, none of my business, but he didn't even save Christmas in that story.

- Oh, how dare you!
- That doesn't mean I'm invested.

Tell your Christmas Rick story!

Step the hell back! Back!

♪ ♪

[PANTING]

You start teeing up a Rick Sanchez vignette, and you'll be doing it through two holes.

I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with this train.

- Do you remember getting on it?
- No.
: : , --] : : ,
First thing I remember is...

Tickets, please.

So, why did you date Rick Sanchez?

- What?
- Oh, you don't have to pretend you didn't date him. We all did.

We get it. Low point in your life, rebound from an ex, et cetera.

No, really, who?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, exactly.

In fact, and get this, when he met my family...

- [WOLF GROWLING]
- Aah!

[GRUNTING]

Leah! Leah, check it out.

- Where'd you meet this, um...
- [SIGHS]

... sprite?

He's actually a human.

But he invented portal tech?

I am the concept of time.

Jesus!

I warned you not to do that.

- I wasn't trying.
- You don't have to.

The train is obviously amplifying and linking unrelated narrative fields.

Uh-huh...

Morty? I told you if you found me again, identify yourself.

I didn't know it was you.

How did you not recognize me?

Didn't you create the disguises?

When I create sh*t, it works, Morty.

It's called being talented.

Why can't we find the engine?

It's not a real train, it's a story device.

Literally. A literal literary device quite literally metaphorically containing us.

- A simulation.
- Worse. An anthology.

Okay, so how... how do we hijack it?

Oh, Morty, it's been h*jacked for at least two full minutes.

Are you not hearing this insane conversation?

Okay, Tickets Please Guy, stop the anthology.

If we wanted one-offs, we'd do Interdimensional Cable, not some uptight, overwritten...

- Rick?
- God damn!

Tickets, please.

Dude, I'm sure you've got, like, so many tickets at this point.

Jesus! The Tickets Please guy is cut!

He... he... he's... he's got those things.

W-what do you call them.
Uhm, cum gutters.

- Morty, gross!
- That's what people call them.

Gross people. I don't want to have to picture cum so watery in such volumes that...

Hey, hey, hey, stay back. I'll kick you.

I-I'll kick your shin, bro.

- Aaah!
- Hey!

I'll f*ckin' cook and eat your ticket-taking ass.

- [COUGHS]
- Hey, I found a ticket.

[COUGHS]

Wow, you are just... ladies and gentlemen, the Jackie Chan of human shielding.

Who takes the time to get this good at...

f*ck this.

- Aaah.
- Structural breach.

Losing continuity.

Morty, hold on to something.

Keep your head inside.

Aaah! [GASPS]

- [VIDEO GAMES BEEPING]

Share with your sister, Josh.

Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you can be an assh*le.

- You okay, Dad?
- Is this real?

I doubt it, but you get what you get when you eat dinner in an arcade.

I mean are you real, is life real?

Okay, I'm calling the nurse because you are not doing this tonight.

You're God damn right

- I'm not because...
- You are not doing this tonight!

This isn't real life!

- Dad? Oh, my God!
- Honey. Sweetie.

- What's happening?
- Give me your tickets.

I... I need tickets.

Everyone give me tickeeeeeettttttts!

Aaaah!

Aaah!

FEMALE VOICE: Emergency continuity deployed.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GROANS]

- This could come in handy.
- Can't we just ride out the...

f*ck you, I'd rather die.

- [CRASHING]
- Train cops! Hands in the air!

Tee up a story about Rick Sanchez!

- He is Rick!
- Jesus Christ!

Is that the Tickets Please Guy?

Well, just the stub.

- Too soon!
- Too soon!

Don't move! Too soon!

So, what did the Train Cops do wrong?

sh*t... people?

- sh*t passengers.
- Wrong.

The passengers tampered with the anthology's structure.

Lethal response was permitted, but not with him holding that t*nk.

Let's take a look at what they should have done.

Train cops! Hands in the air!

- Drop the t*nk! Drop it!
- Drop it! Drop the t*nk.

[APPLAUSE]

Sorry to nitpick, sir, but if there was a continuity expl*si*n,

isn't there always one?

And doesn't that mean those two could be anywhere?

What? No, you idiot, that... it's...

It's just a training video.
That didn't actually happen.

- That's what you think.
- Hey. How'd you get here?

Yeah, like we're the ones that popped up out of nowhere?

f*ck these guys.

[GRUNTING]

Hey, what the hell? Your leg is healed.

Yeah, it's a real free-for-all.

Here we go.

Of course this thing is just a f*ckin' circle.

You'd think it was so God damn complicated...

Okay, here's where the stupid vignettes were.

God, imagine if that had been the whole thing.

So now we're here, and the engine must be here.

I'll have to rig us a couple of space suits that start failing around here so we can [BURPS] pay a heavy price for re-entering at this threshold.

We have to leave the train?

We don't have to do anything, Morty.

This is just a structural guide.

We're obviously gonna impart our own style.

I don't like how meta this is getting, Rick.

Shut up, Morty. You're .

You watch videos of people on YouTube reacting to f*cking YouTube.

I'll be the judge of when we get too meta.

Holy sh*t.

- How is he still breathing?
- Aah!

He's suspended in disbelief, slowly dying while living out an alternative non-diagetic reality.

Geez, what a horrible way to die.

You don't know the half of it.

- Oh!
- [BOTH LAUGH]

You're on fuego with the guy-torn-in-half bits, Rick.

That one was organic, though.

That's because you're naturally funny.

That... that's good old-fashioned fun right there, you know?

W-w-we don't need to over-think sh*t, okay?

Okay, buddy. Nice and grounded,

- fully immersive from here on out.
- [RUMBLING]

- Right after this.
- W-what's happening?

Going into an act break.

♪ Not quite a bird ♪

♪ Not quite a person ♪

♪ Maybe what matters ♪

♪ Is to love yourself first and ♪

♪ Soar ♪

♪ Child of air and land ♪

♪ With wings and hands ♪

♪ Yes, you're a bird and a person ♪

♪ I'm a bird and a person ♪

♪ And more ♪

Sure, that was a great moment, but it was hardly the best time

Rick and Morty were musical.

- Who can forget the t...
- Hey.

You guys think there's something weird about this train?

We've been here a really long time and nobody's taken our tickets.

Aaah!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Aaaah!

The galaxy's greatest scientists continue to ponder the horrific figure known to children as Floaty Blood Man.

But after three months, nobody is any closer to the truth.

For Cutesy Name News, I'm Uncle Nibbles.

I can't believe Floaty Bloody Man is real.

He's more than real, he's my new god.

- Check it.
- Is that brand-new,

- or is the blood just...
- Accurately depicted, yeah.

His followers believe the entire universe is Floaty Bloody Man's nightmare as he dies in a time-dilated reality.

- So we could go at any minute.
- No.

I'm part of the Floaty Nogasm Brotherhood.

We believe we're keeping him alive by redirecting our suppressed sexual energies.

You're staying a virgin just to keep the universe existing?

- That's... so attractive.
- It is?

Okay, look, let's just do it once.

[MOANING]

Sorry.

Aaah!

- Happy now?
- He was suffering.

Keep moving. We have to get to the return threshold before the ticking clock on your suit gets to zero.

Why would you put ticking clock...

Because if it's too easy to get there, we'll never get there.

If you don't want to be meta stop, deconstructing sh*t.

That's the thematic seal.

Gotta find a way to disrupt it.

Okay, Morty, tell a story unrelated to us.

- Uh, what do...
- Stop thinking and do it!

Uh, okay, uh, there was this...

My name is Mike Johnson.
That's good coffee.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Better get that door.

Iiiiiiii, hello.

I want your cookies.

I'm hungry, I want your cookies.

Scorpions, scorpions.

There's scorpions outside. Get inside.

What do they want from us?

They want food.

- Me too.
- RICK: Okay, just stop.

I'm not a writer, okay?

Relax, your story was supposed to be awful and stupid.

I just failed to predict how well that would mesh with the theme.

Think. Think.

What kind of story would we never...

Morty, do you know what the Bechdel Test is?

- The what?
- For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist Allison... what the hell are they teaching you in that school?!

- Other stuff!
- Then you've k*lled us both!

Why is lesbian part of her job title?!

Oh, now you're progressive?!

- What is the test?!
- You have to tell...

- [BEEPING]
- [GAGGING]

Morty, Morty.

Two women. They both have to have names and talk to each other about something...

- Rick!
- ... other than a man...

Oh, Rick, listen to me.

Once upon a time, my mom and my sister... Listen to me!

Mom, can I try your tea?

Yes, Summer.

Yes. Try my tea.

It's so good. It's so warm.

Mom, can I talk to you about my special time?

It's okay. I have one, too.

Mine is heavy today.

Mine is never light.

I love you ever since you were... mailed to me.

By a doctor woman.

Your special time is your power.

It makes you strong like a boob.

Strong against what?

Scorpions. Female Scorpions.

They're attacking outside. Come on.

Fight them with your heavy special time.

You do it, too.

[EPIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[CELLPHONES RING]

- Hello?
- Hello?

I'm that Supreme Court lady, and you f*cking did it.

- We did it!
- We did it!

[GRUNTS]

Great job, Morty.

A feminist masterpiece. Hey, look.

Guess who's got two penises and all the agency?

Rick and Morty.

Story Lord.

I should've known you were behind this, and I did.

- Who is this guy?
- Ugh.

He's like a Matrix Space Frasier.

Let's get this fight over with, nerd.

I've got sh*t to do.

You of all people know, Rick, there can be no destination without a journey.

I don't know that at all.
I regularly teleport.

Oh, of course. No rules for you.

Spiraling through the multiverse, burping semi-improvised dialogue about how nothing matters, so we may as well pull out our dicks and rub them on fate's glaring teeth like we're brushing fate's teeth, but we're using your gross, dirty d*ck.

Must be nice.

- [SLURPS]
- Nobody's stopping you.

True. Not anymore.

[GRUNTS]

- g*dd*mn!
- We already did this.

Oh, is this a double b*at? Oh, well.

Just how I adventure, dawg.

This is more impressive than the Tickets Please Guy, though.

You are like % cum gutter.

It's called discipline. Watch this.

- God damn.
- Geez!

- Do we have to fight him?
- I don't want to.

We surrender. We're not fighting.

- [GRUNTING]
- Ow!

Ow!

f*cking kick your ass.

Ow!

Oh!

- [ALARM RINGING]
- Hey! Get back in your egg!

- What the...
- Don't worry, Morty!

Nothing out there is canon!

[GRUNTS]

- We've got a pulse.
- Stay with me, Private.

Smith, listen to me. You were exposed to a chemical that is altering your mind.

To b*at it, you have to hold on...

- We're losing him.
- Aliens. Sarge?!

Morty, never forget the highest truth of all... you're getting your ass kicked on a train.

[GRUNTS]

Professor Sanchez?

Did it work?

I wouldn't say that, Marcus.

I'd say it f*cking worked.

% time dilation and total immersion.

Define "total."

Marcus, I've been back in reality for three hours, and I still have memories of a completely different life.

I-I-I was a scientist still.

I-I-I was... I-I-I had developed inter-dimensional travel, I-I-I-I had a daughter.

I-I didn't have a mustache.

I-I was kinda funny sometimes, mostly burping.

No more secret testing.

I can help people now.

You've helped people.

I've hurt more.

- Aaah!
- P-P-Professor Sanchez.

I-I'm Morty Smith from the... the... the the st.

They... they... put your pill in our food.

- It... it works.
- Call the police!

It's okay. It's okay. It's not real.

N-n-n-n-nothing's real.

- I'm sorry, son.
- I-i-it's okay. You aren't real.

[ALL SCREAMING]

God, you're right. I should do more freeform stuff.

In you go.

- What's happening?
- The reason I brought you here.

I'll now fuel my anthology with your limitless potential, propelling it to its final stop... beyond the fifth wall.

You idiot. Our potential isn't limitless.

You'll never breakthe fifth wall before you've burnt us out.

Is that so? Oh, well. Win-win.

Rick, w-what's he doing?

He's trying to tap into us, Morty. Resist.

I can't believe you're finally headed off to college.

Yeah, you know, it really felt like you were gonna be forever.

For, like, years, at least.

I can't believe I'm tearing up over this.

Jesus, Rick, you know, you've really softened up.

It's a human moment, Morty.

It's a human moment.

- Aaah!
- Aaah! It hurts!

[CRASHING]

Abradolph Lincoler?
I thought you were dead.

I'm very much alive, and I need your help.

Yeah!

sh*t. He's taking the good stuff, Morty.

Wait, is... is any of this canon?

It could have been.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, dear.

Are there things Rick Sanchez holds sacred after all?

[WHIRRING]

[BOTH GROANING]

[GRUNTS]

How did you find us?

[GRUNTING]

I trusted you!

Don't blame others for your bad decisions.

[GRUNTING]

Resist, Morty!

Resist before he burns us out!

Oh, too late now!

What's wrong, Rick?

Don't you want to see how your story ends?!

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

[ALL SHOUTING]

Holy sh*t, Rick. What do we...

There... there... there's now way out!

You're right, Morty.

Sometimes it does seem like there's no way out.

Like it's hopeless.

But remember, there's always someone there for us.

- Who?
- My best friend and personal savior, Jesus Christ.

What?! You... you don't believe in God.

But He believes in us, Morty.

You know, I thought I was the inventor, but the greatest invention of all is the free gift of Eternal Life.

Is this... are you f*cking with me?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, trust me, Morty.

I've done plenty of effed up stuff in my life.

But it's never too late to accept Christ.

Jesus is always knocking at the door.

All we have to do is open it

- and let Him into our hearts.
- How?

I'm so glad you asked, Morty.

Just close your eyes and go to Him in prayer.

Like this.

- Heavenly Father.
- Heavenly Father.

TOGETHER: Thank you for sending your only begotten son.

What a second, no! What are you doing?!

Jesus, I accept you into my heart.

No! This sucks.

Stop! You guys would never do this.

TOGETHER: Fill me with your Spirit.

Make me a shining city on a hill for you.

- No! No!
- Make me born again.

- No!
- In Jesus's name, we pray.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Amen!
- You did it!

- Way to go, Morty!
- Crossy.

Bible-Saurus. You made it.

We wouldn't miss this for anything!

You said it, Mr. Celery.

What the f*ck is all of this?!

Greatest story ever told, Story Lord.

No, it's not. It's awful!

[WHOOSHING]

I beg your pardon?

Ah!

g*dd*mn.

- [ALL GASPING]
- My Lord and my God!

- No! No! It sucks in here.
- Let's get the f*ck outta here.

Go, now.

Ugh. We're safe, Morty.

Nobody ever wanted to see that sh*t.

Wh-what's gonna happen to Story Lord?

He gets to spend eternity in every writer's hell...

- the Bible.
- I don't know.

Some people actually like that stuff.

Seems kind of cynical.

I just don't like taking cheap sh*ts, you know?

Cheap sh*ts? Morty, we were literally saved by Jesus Christ.

Tell me in any way how that's offensive.

This was a little confusing, but I guess it brought us closer together, you know?

Tested our demons.

Made us believe in ourselves more than ever.

Yeah. You're right, Morty.

We got all that meta-canon sh*t outta the way and now we can just be ourselves.

Now what do you say we bring this train into the station.

♪ ♪

Oh, sh*t.

MORTY: So what do you think?

Wow. Where did you get this thing?

The Citadel of Ricks Gift Shop.

Do you really like it?

I didn't think you'd even care.

What? Morty. No. I love it.

You did the most important thing.

You... you bought something.

- What?
- You bought something.

With money. God. I love money so much, Morty.

- Are you being sarcastic?
- Merchandise, Morty.

Your only purpose in life is to buy and consume merchandise.

And you did it. You went into a store... an actual honest to God store... and you bought something.

You didn't ask questions or raise ethical complaints.

You... you just looked straight into the bleeding jaws of capitalism and said "Yes, daddy, please."

And I'm... I'm so proud of you.

I only wish you could've bought more.

I... I love buying things so much, Morty.

Rick, are... are you... do you need to go to the hospital?

I love you, Morty. Give Grandpa a kiss.

Give... give... gimme... give Grandpa a kiss.

Lips if you want. What...whatever you're comfortable with.

Some cultures do that.

That was sweet. Thank you.

I... I love you. You're my little buddy.

Okay.

Let's watch some Interdimensional Cable.

[TELEVISION CLICKS, STATIC CRACKLES]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

So you're saying my father and His kingdom...

Well, yes... it's based on the fusion of a Sumerian god named "Ya" and a Mesopotamian god named "Way."

And we're in a toy train?

Yes.

It's enough to really make you question all of existence, isn't it?

So what do you think you're gonna do about it?

I'm gonna do what I've always done.

I'm gonna get the f*ck outta here.

Father of omens! Give me blood beyond sight!

[CRACKLING]

Hey, what the f*ck Morty?
The train you got me just completely derailed itself.

There's blood all over the windows on it.

Oh, man, I'm sorry, Rick.
I guess I'll return it.

Return... Are you insane?

Did you hear nothing I said?

Buy another one, Morty.

Consume, Morty.

Nobody's out there shopping with this f*cking virus.

Where's your f*cking wallet?!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

RICK: Tired of the same boring adventures with your dogshit Morty?

- Yeah!
- Aw. Geez.

Then get ready for the Citadel of Rick's Story Train.

DEEP VOICE: Story Train. Story Train.

RICK: The Citadel of Rick's Story Train

comes with car after car of enemies, lovers,

and Goomby, all grappling with the nature of who you truly are.

Rick is a god! Tickets Please.

Whoa! Watch out! It's Story Lord!

Damn. He's jacked.

DEEP VOICE: Pure cum gutter.

RICK: And of course, what story would be complete without the engineer of the Greatest Story Ever Told.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- JESUS: I have come not to judge the world, but to save it.

RICK: And the best part is, the fun never ends.

Thanks to the Rick-patented anthology generator, you'll never run out of new stories

- and people to tell them.
- Are they alive?

Of course. But not in any ways that matter.

DEEP VOICE: They. Have. No. Souls.

Puppets. Of. Fate.

RICK: The Story Train. Available now

in The Citadel of Ricks. Buy it ironically.

Buy it sincerely. Just buy it.

Not buying it is an act of buying it.

Buy it now. Look it up. It's real.

www.story-train.com.

On the Internet. It's there. Buy it. Buy the train.

We want you to buy the train.