10x20 - Poops!... I Didn't Do It Again

[bunniefuu]

MS. LABONZ (clears throat): As you know, this Friday is the overnight class lock-in at the Bog Harbor Aquarium, which is great, because there's nothing teachers love more than not going home.

As discussed, whoever scored the highest grade on last week's quiz about sharks...

- Yes. Here we go.
- Will get to help an aquarium employee conduct a nighttime shark feeding.

Me. It's gonna be me.

Hard pass for me.

I missed so many questions on purpose.

Louise, here's your quiz.

♪ What is this green stain? ♪

♪ We don't serve green stainy things! ♪

- I am the master of sharks!
- Yeah, you are.

What are you talking about?

Best grade in my class on the shark quiz.

Guess who's the master of shorts.

- You?
- Yes.

- And Mike the Mailman.
- How'd you do so well?

Turns out if you study really hard for something, you can get a good grade.
(laughs) Weird, right?

Louise, I love that you're excited about school, but why are you excited about school?

Because whoever gets the best grade gets to feed frickin' sharks at our class lock-in!

So I get to feed sharks!

And maybe they'll eat me, and it'll be amazing!

Huh. You're really excited about the school lock-in.

Uh, yes.

I guess I'm just a little surprised that you're so excited about an overnight, Louise.

I mean, the sharks sound great. It's just that,

I know that sometimes when you sleep someplace else, you're like, "Where am I gonna poop?"

And I have that issue, too.

And it-it-it's no big deal.

(laughing): Why did I even bring it up?

I-I... Did I bring it up?

- Uh, I think you brought it up.
- Relax.

Yes, we sort of have an issue in that department, but it's one night.

I just have to go to the bathroom here after school on Friday, get dropped off at the aquarium, feed a t*nk full of apex predators, sleep, come home, bing, bang, boom, see you next Tuesday.

- Don't say "See you next Tuesday."
- I can poop anywhere.

- We know.
- Remember when Mom pooped at that gas station with no doors on the stall?

Or that time we saw that Porta Potti fall off a truck on the turnpike and Mom pulled over to use it?

Mm. Well, people like Louise and me, we really, really, really just like to go at home.

I like public toilets.

It's like a little vacation for your butt.

Other toilets are where I do my best work.

- I think of it like an away game.
- Ugh!

You're separated by a thin little wall, water splashing around, people listening.

Yeah. No, thank you.

But you're not worried about the aquarium overnight.

So, uh, that's great.

Cool that you brought it up again.

(shushing)

♪ ♪

Okay, so that was Grandma on the phone.

We got problems.

So, what problem do you have with your mother that we don't have?

No, no, no. We have a problem. Here's the thing.

Somebody in their old people town got a video from their grandkids and they played it in the dining room at dinner, and people went nuts,

- so now Grandma wants us...
- No.

- Wants...
- No.

- Us to make...
- No.

They want us to make a music video about them for their th anniversary, which is Saturday.

- Aw...
- And here is the video that we have to do better than.

"Going Bananas for Nana's th."

GENE: No notes. Love it.

LOUISE: Is that what a real family's supposed to look like?

BOB: They're so much cleaner than us.

What do you kiddos want to eat for breakfast?

I'll have a banana.

You know what? Let's all have bananas.

'Cause we're...

Gonna go bananas for Nana's th!

- ♪ Ba-na-na-na-nee-na-na-na! ♪
- ♪ Ba-na-na-na-na... ♪

- ♪ Ba-na-na-nee... ♪
- Okay, no more.

(exhales) Yeah, that's hard to watch.

That k*lled at the retirement village?

Maybe you guys didn't get it.

Banana? Nana?

Well, watching that turd made me want to make one of my own.

See you bananas later.

Okay, brainstorm. We know we can do better than that.

But what are we gonna do?

Maybe we could do, like, a techno sort of thing?

No words. Just bodies. Moving.

- Telling the story of Grandma and Grandpa.
- Hmm.

I'm thinking baby oil.
I'm thinking glitter.

I'm thinking animatronic doves with human private parts.

Interesting.

Whoa, you're back already?

That was a quick one.

It was just a toot.
That happens. It's fine.

Well, now you're back in time to brainstorm!

- What do you got so far?
- Techno. Glitter. Body oil.

So, Dad's got his costume, but what about the rest of us?

- (door closes)
- LOUISE: All right, Kuchi Kopi.

Let's try this again.

(humming)

MS. LABONZ: Oh, my God!

Louise, what are you doing?!

What is happening?

Why are you on a toilet in the middle of the aquarium, Louise?!

I was at home!

This must be so embarrassing for you.

It's so personal.

Okay, Rudy! Thank you!

(stammers): What were you thinking when you started to go on this toilet in the middle of the room?

I don't know! I don't kn...

(gasps) It was just a dream. It was just a dream.

- Or was it?!
- Rudy!

(gasps) Okay, it'll happen. I have all week.

_

(sniffs)

Well, doesn't it just smell lovely in here!

Yup, yup. Another false alarm, I guess.

No poop for you!

- _
- Uh-oh. You look tense.

Yup. Nothing came out.

We don't have to talk about it.

- _
- Oh, no. You couldn't go, huh?

(screams)

(knocking on door)

BOB: Can I, uh, come in?

Yes, Father.

Hi, Louise.

Um, are you, uh... are you okay?

Good. Yeah. Great.

So, you're not upset 'cause you haven't pooped in four days and you're about to go on an overnight trip where your only option will be a public toilet?

- (laughs) No!
- TINA: She seems great.

Oh, hello, entire family. Look, I'm fine.

I was worried about having to poop on the trip.

But now I can't poop at all. And that's perfect.

I'll go on the overnight, come back, and everything will work itself out here.

It might be the size of me, but that's okay.

We'll respect your birth plan.

Oh, sweetie.

Does your tummy hurt?

It just feels like I ate concrete.

But in a good way. 'Cause I get to feed sharks.

Louise, I've been where you are.

This plan isn't great.

So, what's your plan, Dad?!

Because I think my plan of going to the aquarium with a body mostly made of poop is brilliant!

But what if... ?

What if I end up in a sleeping bag full of poop?!

Is that what you're gonna say?!

There's your anniversary video.

Louise, I can help you.

I think we have to pull out the big dogs.

What are the big dogs?

Laxatives.

Oh, what breed is that?

- dr*gs, Tina, laxatives.
- Uh-huh.

I'll go to the drugstore, get you something to help you go, and you'll poop at home before you leave and you won't have to think about it again.

Ugh, fine!

- This better work.
- All right, all right.

- I'm gonna go right now.
- I'm coming with you.

And I'm picking out a toy.

Ooh, can you get me some flip-flops that are gonna break right away?

And will you get me some teen boy deodorant?

No reason. I don't kiss it.

(awkward laugh)

Aw, easy on the bumps.

Louise, you wanted to ride in it.

I thought you'd pull it better.

Well, here we are.

Let's see, we'll grab some classic stool softener.

Some... fiber powder.

Here's another stool softener.

This one has a picture of an old man on it.

Must be good. Yeah, I-I think that should do it.

(sighs): Oh, I hope this works.

You know, I had something similar happen to me once.

You earned an opportunity to feed ocean death creatures

- and then your butt broke?
- Not quite.

I was a little older than you, and I asked Jess Newton to the middle school dance.

Did she say yes, and you were so surprised you pooped on her?

No. Well, she did say yes. And I was surprised.

But then I got really nervous about going to the dance.

Next thing I knew, I was all backed up.

Suddenly, it was the night of the dance and my stomach hurt and I was miserable.

And... what happened?

Well, I knew I wouldn't be able to go to the bathroom at school

'cause I had never done that before.

Like... you.

So, what did you do?

I didn't go to the dance.

- What?!
- Oh, man. That's super sad.

Hi, yeah, uh, thanks.

- I'm talking to my daughter.
- (exhales) That's nice.

Yeah, my dad never wanted to talk about poo-poo or love or my feelings or stuff like that.

But, hey, that was just Dad for you.

The big sh*t astronaut!

(awkward chuckle) Uh, I'm sorry.

Can we, um, just pay?

(stammers) Wait, what happened to Jess Newton?

- Did she go to the dance?
- Yeah, yeah, she did.

With Brian Lapidus. They're married now.

Hey, I get off in ten minutes, if you guys want to grab a drink or something or just hang out in my car.

Hmm, I-I think we'll probably go home.

Dad, we should come to the pharmacy at night more often.

GENE: Okay, could this be the song for Grandma and Grandpa? (clears throat)

♪ When I saw that toenail of yours, I went engh! ♪

♪ And then I went mmm! 'Cause you're my grandparents. ♪

- No?
- LINDA: Okay, I figured it out.

The stupid family's song was "Going Bananas for Nana."

And I think we just might have 'em b*at because our song is gonna be called...

Gene, dramatic trumpet introduction!

(trumpet sounds)

"Tickled as Pickles It's Your
th Wedding Anniversary!"

Huh? Right?!

- Yup. I love it.
- You had me at pickles.

And we're gonna wear the pickle costumes we already have.

Well, now it just seems a little lazy, but I'm still loving it.

There's only four of them, so I still have to make one.

And I don't have any green fabric.

But there's such thing as purple pickles, right?

And we're gonna film our music video with this.

A fax machine?

No, it's our old video camera.

All right, let's get set up.

When your dad and Louise get back, we're gonna sh**t this sucker.

These fingers are ready to tickle some pickles!

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!

There you are.

We're gonna get the first sh*t of the music video done.

I'm kind of busy right now.
Got to take my bum dr*gs.

It's for Grandma and Grandpa!

Sit, sit, sit. It'll just take a second.

Ugh, fine.

You, too, Bob. Get in your seat.

W-Wait, wait, what are my lines?

- Just sit in your chair, sweetheart.
- Tina.

Okay. This is the opening of the music video before the song comes on. I'll explain as we go and I'll just, uh, edit out the parts where I'm explaining stuff.

Once I, uh, figure out how to edit.

And action!

Oh, I have the first line. (clears throat)

Good morning, family.

What do you kiddos want for breakfast?

It kind of seems like we're just doing their banana video.

- Like, exactly...
- Shush.

- We'll edit that out.
- I could really go for a pickle.

So, instead of bananas, it's pickles. Got it.

I said shush! Edit that.

I, too, would also like a pickle to eat with my mouth for breakfast this bright sunny morning, it's not nighttime.

Wait, why are we eating pickles for breakfast?

That actually is a great question, Bob.

Don't edit that. It's because...

Okay, now here's where everybody looks at the camera and says...

(out of sync): We're all tickled as pickles it's your th wedding anniversary!

Perfect! Now everybody freeze.

We have to remember exactly where we are so we can put on our pickle costumes, get back in these positions and start singing and dancing.

Ooh, I wish I could stay,

- but I'm not going to.
- Uh...

And I should actually go help Louise, uh, take her, uh, poop pills.

Oh, and look at the time. We got to warm up some cookies.

Damn union rules, always slowing down production, making us eat cookies.

Here, start with this one.

It tastes horrible.

I don't want to brag, but I've probably had every laxative out there.

Mom's a lucky lady.

(slurps) Oh, wow. Yup.

Oh... it's bad. It's very bad.

I know. It's bad.

But, hey, this is just what people like you and me have to do.

Oh, wait, that was actually the good-tasting one.

- That was supposed to taste good?
- Sorry.

(slurps) Ugh...

All right. Keep 'em coming.

- Attagirl.
- Hey, Dad? Thanks.

- You're welcome.
- (groans)

- Oh, my God. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
- _

BOB: I hope this works. I mean, she took a lot.

Maybe we should give her some space.

I'm staying right here.

I have : a.m. in the poop pool, and I want to see if I come up a winner.

LOUISE: No, uh, Dad's right.
Let's give her a little space.

Okay, we'll walk away.

(voice fading): Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk...

Louise? It's Mommy.

It'd be great to get the big pickle costume reveal sh*t for Grandma and Grandpa's video before you go to school, 'kay?

- Kind of busy right now, Mom!
- Okay, okay.

Ugh! Nothing's coming out!

Why is this happening?! Why?!

Maybe you can go at school.

Maybe you can go at school. I don't do that!

Okay. Yup, yup. Uh, let's give her a little space.

LINDA: Bobby, I've been thinking.

Ugh, is this about Inception again?

Because we are never gonna figure it out.

No. I was wondering if this was the best way to deal with the whole Louise thing.

Wait, what do you mean?

It seems like you're pushing really hard to get her to go at home, but y-you're not even trying to get her to go other places.

Yeah, 'cause we don't do that.

You don't do that, but that doesn't mean

she always has to be like... that.

Oh, you poop-anywheres are all the same.

You think it's so easy.

Oh, you have a name for us, you call us "poop-anywheres"?

Yeah. It's what you are.

All I'm saying is, maybe she got some of this

"only go at home" stuff from you.

So maybe you could help your little girl try to go other places.

I don't know if it'll work, but she's miserable, Bob.

(sighs) She really is.

It's not easy to watch. You think I made her like this?

- A little.
- Well, maybe I'll talk to her.

About going in buckets wherever she is, just like her mother.

Oh, one time!

One time in a bucket, and I never hear the end of it.

It was at a wedding, Lin.

There was a line for the bathroom.

- And you went in a bucket.
- (door opens, bell rings)

Mother! Father! We've completed our schooling for the day.

Well, wish me luck.

I'm gonna go upstairs and sit on the toilet until it's time to leave for the lock-in.

Give it hell, girl.
But-but no pressure.

But you should poop. But have fun.

So it seems like you couldn't go, huh?

I couldn't go.

And now my butt is a time bom.

I'm full of so many laxatives, Dad.

- This is my nightmare.
- Yeah, um, hey... if the laxatives finally kick in, and you do have to go when you're in there, maybe you shouldn't hold it.

Maybe you could try and go.

What-what if it's not so bad?

Wait, what? What are you talking about?

I'm just saying, maybe going to the bathroom at the aquarium won't be so bad.

And after you go, you-you know you'll feel better.

- (chuckles) Won't be so bad?
- Yeah. Maybe.

I thought we were on the same team.

Team Poops-at-Home.

We are. But maybe you might not want to be on that team anymore.

Great. Then we're not on the same team anymore.

I'm all alone. I feel so much better.

- Thank you, Father!
- (dramatic music playing)

Louise, that's not what I meant.

Sorry, this music is so intense.

I shouldn't have put on classical.

I thought it would be soothing.

Leave it on. It's how I feel inside.

It's too sad.

I-I'm gonna change the station.

- (pop music playing)
- Hey, hey. This is better, right?

You feel upbeat?

Oh... she's gone.

"Oh, I'm Bob.

Maybe going to the bathroom at the aquarium won't be so bad."

Oh! Okay. Okay. I see what you're saying.

Ah! All right.

Maybe I'll go check it out, I guess.

Nope, nope, not doing it.

Welcome to the fourth grade lock-in.

We're all gonna sleep with the fishes.

(clears throat) Like the Mafia.

When they k*ll people?

There goes my opening joke. Thanks, Rudy.

Anyway, I'll just turn things over to Emily the aquarium lady.

Hi, I'm Emily Aquarium Lady. I'm just kidding.

My last name is Hammerhead.

I'm just kidding, it's Johnson.

Just kidding, it was Johnson.

But I got divorced, so now it's back to my maiden name Rogers. I'm Emily Rogers.

Uh, excuse me.

I'm Louise Belcher, the shark-feeding girl...

Oh, hey. You're the lucky lady.

That's correct. So I was actually wondering what time exactly is the shark feeding gonna happen? Soon? Next couple of minutes here?

Uh, what are we looking at?

Well, first, everyone is gonna go pick out where they'll be sleeping tonight.

Second, I'll be taking you on a tour of the entire aquarium.

Then we'll grab some fish food.

That's what we call the food here in our cafeteria...

It's not great. Then, after we eat, you'll be helping me feed the sharks.

- So, it's gonna be a while?
- It's gonna be a while.

TINA: ♪ You professed your love so many years ago ♪

♪ Before cars were invented and teens had phones ♪

♪ years of marriage, no, your love's not fickle ♪

♪ And how do we feel? Well, we're tickled as pickles. ♪

And cut. That was great, Tina.

Damn it, I wasn't recording.

You got to be frigging kidding me!

I can't do that again.
That was, like, my ninth take. Ugh!

Maybe it was for the best.

Your dad was kind of phoning it in.

Sorry, I'm just a little rattled.

I-I still don't feel great about how I left things with Louise.

She's gonna be okay, Bob.
You did everything you could.

Tina, I'm pressing record.
We're gonna do it again.

I'm exhausted. I've got nothing left in the t*nk.

We got to finish this tonight.

And when are we sh**ting the tickle scene?

Why don't we give Tina a little break and we'll do that now?

- Great.
- Bob, Gene's gonna chase you.

And when he catches you, he's gonna tickle you.

- Wait, what?
- Don't think about it.

Just start running. Action!

- Go! Go!
- I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you.

Aah!

(panting): Oh... oh, my God.

Aah!

(laughing): Gene, st... Stop tickling me.

No. It's my grandma and grandpa's anniversary!

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

LINDA: Oh, this is good, this is good.

Oh, I didn't press record. Damn it!

All right. Get your peanut butter ready, because we are headed into jellyfish land.

She is k*lling it. This tour's amazing.

Oh... the laxatives are starting to lax.

(quietly): You get it together, butt.

You shut it down till after shark time, and then we'll figure out how to get home.

And here is why I wake up every day.

These bad girls remind me to keep fighting.

To keep biting. And keep writing.

I'm working on a screenplay.

We got hammerheads, makos, leopard sharks, and that big beautiful baby is our bull shark.

Oh, my God, they're incredible.

Well, let's break for our dinner, and then this fearless kid is gonna help me feed them their dinner.

Break!

I can't hold it. Damn it.

(winces)

I know what I have to do.

(Linda and Gene grunting)

Is it possible we already won an Academy Award for this?

- (phone rings)
- (gasps) That's probably Billy Crystal.

Hello?

- LOUISE: Dad?
- Yeah?

- Come pick me up.
- What did Billy say?

Louise, I think I know what's going on here.

We really don't have to talk about it.

If you're too scared to feed the sharks, just say so. You don't have to fake sick.

Ha! Oh, wow. That's good.

That's-that's funny.

Hey, did you find a good spot to sleep?

Since you're leaving, I'm gonna take it,

'cause I got stuck next to the eels.

- I never really put my stuff down.
- Son of a bitch.

Sorry, you're seeing a little weekend Labonz. She's loose.

LINDA: All right.
We're not waiting for your dad and Louise to come back.

We're doing this now.

Grandma doesn't know how many kids we have, so Louise is covered, and, Gene, I need you to be you and your dad.

Can you handle it?

I'm married to Linda.

Damn, it's like he's here.

It's better, it's better.
Let's keep filming.

Now we'll put it in the computer somehow, and we'll edit it...

I still don't know how to do that...

And then we'll add music and figure out how to send it to Grandma and Grandpa, right?

Oh, God. Should we just make 'em a card?

- Yes. Tina, make a card.
- On it.

You know what? Let's go get ice cream first.

- Yay!
- Yay!

(quietly): Come on, Dad, hurry up.

Louise, I'm here.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Totally cool that you wore that. Way to keep a low profile.

Apparently Louise is sick.

Uh, yeah. I'm gonna take her home to get better.

So, how do you want to do this? Can you walk?

Should I, um, carry you to the car?

I think that's a good idea. Just be careful.

(quietly): I could blow at any second.

All right. Let's get you out of here.

(groans) I was wrong. This is bad.

But it's too late. Don't put me down.

And walk faster.

I'm walking. I'm walking. Oh, my God.

Hey, uh, I'm sorry about the sharks, and I'm-I'm gonna get you home as fast as I can.

Just so you know,

I'm always available to come pick you up.

E-Even in college. Or on business trips.

Or your honeymoon. Whatever.

I don't want to be like this.

I'm missing a shark feeding.
That doesn't feel good.

I know. I-I get it.

No, wait. I want to go back in.

You do? What-what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom in the aquarium.

Then I'm gonna feed those sharks.

Yeah, you are.

Lot of kids. Not a lot of privacy.

Thinking about going home again.

What if, um, I do it, too?

- I-In the boys' room?
- Do you have to go?

I mean, I can always go a little.

Aren't you scared?

Well, you're scared and you're thinking about doing it.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

Let's poo this.

- How'd it go?
- I had a girl peeing on my left and a girl peeing on my right, but I didn't pee.

Father, I pooped.

So, success.

A lot of success. What about you?

It wasn't great. It took me a long time to get the suit off.

And it didn't end where I wanted it to end.

- But let's count it.
- Up top.

Louise, I'm proud of you.

Can we save this, uh, for later?

Kind of in a hurry. I got sharks to feed.

All right, uh, go feed the sharks!

Have a great night!

I'm gonna home and jump in the shower.

And throw this pickle suit away.

All right, since Louise had to go home,

I'm gonna pick a new student to help with the sharks.

- Rudy.
- What? No. No... !

Wait! I'm here! I'm here! Hi.

- I'm back.
- I thought you were sick, Louise.

If you're sick, you really have to go home, I'm sorry.

I'm not sick. I, I had to poop.

And so I pooped... here.

- Not at home. I did it.
- Great.

- Emily Aquarium Lady?
- Yup?

Let's go feed some freakin' sharks.

Oh... !

(laughs)

♪ Professed your love so many years ago ♪

♪ Before cars were invented and teens had phones ♪

♪ years of marriage, no, your love's not fickle ♪

♪ And how do we feel? Well, we're tickled as pickles ♪

- ♪ We're tickled ♪
- ♪ We're tickled ♪

- Tickle, tickle, tickle!
- ♪ As pickles ♪

I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you.

♪ Tickled, tickled little pickles ♪

BOB (laughing): Gene, stop tickling me!

♪ Roses are red and violets are blue ♪

♪ Grandma is old and Grandpa is, too ♪

♪ But your love can still run wild ♪

♪ Gettin' down, senior citizen style. ♪

GENE: It's my grandma and grandpa's anniversary!

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

BOB (laughing): Gene, stop!