05x14 - The One Where We're Trapped on TV

[bunniefuu]

Dang it.

Dang it.

Man, some days rewriting history to eradicate any notion of rebelling and free will is hard.

Yeah.

You ever wonder if what we're doing is, like, wrong?

How could it be wrong?

The Fates give everyone food and shelter and television.

You don't want a world that looks like these history books, do you?

Right...

right.

Fates be praised.

Just doesn't feel quite right.

Geoffrey Burch.

I am Atropos, the thread cutter.

Ooh.

Atropos is calling you.

Uh-huh.

Great.

Your time has come to an end.

Your thread is hereby cut.

It is Fated.

Oh, I see.

Well, Fates be praised...

Sorry, Geoffrey.

The work period has ended.

Return to your domiciles for mandatory recreation period.

The Fates are always watching.

Relinquish free will.

The world is perfect.

The world is wrong!

Can't you people see?

None of this is how it should be.

He's gonna get his dang thread cut.

Do I know you?

You look familiar.

Do you recognize me?

My name is Gary, but most people call me Crazy Guy.

Stay away from me, you weirdo.

Yeah, they call me that, too.

The world is wrong!

This is your new home, little guy.

Another night, another bowl of Mush.

Let's see what's streaming on Fate-plus.

I'm back!

Hey, Behrad.

Did you remember the Grey Mush like I asked?

I got the Green Mush, the Purple Mush, the Sticky Mush, the Slimy Mush...

and I forgot the Grey Mush.

- You forgot the Grey Mush?

- I forgot the Grey Mush!

Oh, Behrad.

You're so dumb.

♪ They're the "Ultimate Buds" ♪ ♪ And they're Fated to have some fun ♪ Mama needs her "Ultimate Buds".

The oven's taking forever to pre-heat, and the Mush is still cold.

My boss is gonna be here in 30 minutes.

Or maybe she'll be early.

- Nate!

- Nate.

I don't know this Nate you speak of.

Me name is Robin of Locksley of Starling City.

Why?

I got an audition to play Robin Hood in "Arrow", a show about a vigilante.

Mm, sounds dumb.

If it was dumb, why would I stop crime with this?

The Grey Mush!

I guess I got the Grey Mush.

At least the family heirloom didn't get dirty.

I should go clean off.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't leave me here with...

Nate.

Are you still upset about the time we almost kissed?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I missed the kiss.

No, I'm mad because you ruined the place, and my boss is gonna be here any minute.

- What's that thing doing?

- Oh.

I don't know.

It's never done that before.

- I say don't touch it.

- Right.

But on the other hand, why not?

Ah!

This show's off the rails.

There's no ghosts in "Ultimate Buds".

Nate?

Sorry?

But how...

you found me.

- Oh, God.

- Oh, whoa.

Oh.

- What was that?

- What?

- Nate?

- Yeah?

Nate Heywood: actor and your neighbor.

Do you remember us?

I mean, I always wanted there to be an...

Us.

Could I be more of a kiss-misser?

Wow.

Lot going on here.

All right, we need to take these off immediately.

All right, I knew the timeline would be different and you might not remember me, but this is just bizarre.

All right, where's the Waverider?

Where's Sara and Mick and John and the others?

Ava Sharpe?

Mona Wu?

Did they just say "Mona Wu"?

Sure.

Sure.

All good questions.

Right.

Hey, Behrad, your sister might have hit her head again.

Behrad?

Is that really you?

I thought I'd never see you again.

Did you eat, like, an entire Behrad Brownie?

What?

Your boss!

Why don't you just stay in this closet for a sec while we entertain your boss...

And your liver processes the brownie.

Welcome.

I'm Behrad, Zari's brother.

You must be the....

Hot boss.

My!

What a charming brother the Fates have granted Zari.

Where is she?

Not in the closet, that's for sure.

Okay, boss coming over for dinner.

I think I know what's going here.

We're stuck in a TV sitcom.

Zari.

Do you have amnesia again?

You guys don't hear that?

The laughing?

I...

she's hearing voices.

Sis, what do you think is happening?

I think you guys fought The Fates.

Fates be praised!

And you lost.

And for some reason, you've been loomed here.

- What's behind this door?

- Hm.

I don't know.

We never opened it.

- Never even occurred to us.

- Mm-mm.

Well, we're about to find out.

Huh.

Has that been there the whole time?

Coming, dummies?

- Buds stick together.

- Like glue.

Where are we?

Ah.

We've been expecting you.

Welcome to Highcastle Abbey.

_ Lady Zari and Lord Behrad, the second footman will see to your carriage.

What happened to the first footman?

I've taken the liberty of ordering you some Persian treats to make you feel at home.

Shall I ask the kitchen to prepare a tea?

Uh...

sure.

Unbelievable.

John Constantine, self-proclaimed nasty piece of work is a butler.

Hmm.

Please tell me you guys recognize him.

No, no.

Sorry, Sis.

- Do you think this is another TV show?

- Right.

We went from a hilarious yet heartfelt sitcom, but now we're stuck on some stuffy BBC period piece.

With no obvious way to escape.

Well, it seems like the TV show is adapting to our presence.

So I think we just have to play along until I can get John to snap out of it.

Okay, it looks like we're some kind of...

- Aristocrats.

- Nice.

Hmm.

That must make you our servant.

Mm.

Wouldn't you prefer wearing something a tad more cheerful, dearest?

I would if the prospect of your matchmaking was worthy of cheer.

Lord Behrad is your father's closest male heir.

Marriage to him keeps Highcastle Abbey in our family.

Well, how is he, Mr.

Constantine?

Lord Behrad is as advertised, a foreigner.

Oh, not you too.

Lord and Lady Tarazi, may I present Lady Natalie and her daughter, Lady Astra.

I do beg your pardon, Lord Tarazi, but is it customary where you come from for the valet to sit?

Ooh.

Oi!

A thousand apologies, bro.

Mr.

Constantine, why don't you show the Tarazis' valet to the servants' hall?

Happily, my Lady.

Please, have a seat.

You must be exhausted from your travels.

I'm so glad we could find the time to get to know one another.

Yes.

Before we marry and you inherit our family's estate...

I'm sorry.

Did you say, "marry"?

I have to go to the bath...

to the lavatory.

Don't leave me.

Do you enjoy hunting, Lord Behrad?

Ooh, I like to play among the animals, not slaughter them.

Well...

that is an unconventional opinion.

In this household, servants should be seen and not heard in the company of their superiors.

Which means we should all be silent round you.

Isn't that right, Mr.

Constantine?

Mrs.

Hutchens, trying to hold your tongue will be as easy as swimming through custard in Wellington boots.

Oh, there you are, John.

Well, I do beg your pardon, Lady Zari, but this is most irregular.

Right, I...

I need to talk to you...

alone.

They got the Blue Mush.

- Fancy kind.

- Yum.

How may I assist you, my Lady?

All right, listen to me.

You are not some buttoned-up butler.

You are...

are a cynical, chain-smoking, master of the occult.

You have an apprentice named Gary, and you are capable of great ma...

Destine!

Magic.

Did she just say "Gary" now?

Maybe that crazy guy isn't so crazy after all.

Can I confide in you, Lord Behrad?

Confide away.

Sometimes I wish I'd been born a man, at least then I'd have a chance at adventure.

Your parents can't hold you here.

You're a diva.

What is a diva?

A diva is a female version of a hustler.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You don't remember me or the Legends, but you can still cast spells?

To my great shame.

I'm at w*r with myself.

Part of me is, uh...

seduced by dark magic.

That's the real you.

Are you going to inform Lady Natalie?

Yeah, maybe we should.

Please, please don't.

I beg you.

You see, I'll be sacked.

You know what?

If you cast one of your spells and help us escape this world, we will keep quiet.

- Maybe.

- We will.

Gary, I think people are trapped on the TV, and they know us.

You sound crazy.

You were onto something.

The world's all wrong, and the cracks are starting to show.

Just watch.

In order for this spell to work properly, I must first know where it is that you intend to go.

Can you send us to someone?

We need to find our captain.

What is your captain's name?

Uh, Sara.

Captain Sara Lance.

The Jack of Ones.

Daring exploits and dangerous challenges lay ahead.

- Great.

- I do hope this works.

I shall be glad to be rid of you.

Actually, John, we really need you to come with us.

Amusing joke, my lady, but I will never desert my post.

Welp, I tried to stop her.

Mr.

Constantine, I have made the most wonderful decision.

I am moving to London.

London?

What about Highcastle and your mother?

I am a diva.

My bad.

Everyone that wants to leave, link up.

- Come here.

- Where are we going?

Lady Astra, I beg you.

Please, step away.

To live a life that I love, I must know the world outside these walls.

Lady Astra, I must insist.

Where'd they go?

Did she say "Captain Lance"?

From "Star Trip"?

We have to get into Clotho Productions and find out what's going on.

Officer Maala, report.

It's a Gromulan warship, Captains.

Hail them, Officer Maala.

Or wouldn't it be more...

logical to att*ck the warship before it att*cks us?

By that logic, we would att*ck every ship we encountered.

Is there something wrong with that?

Fine, Officer Maala.

- Hail the Gromulans.

- Yes, Captain.

Can we k*ll them now?

Space: the Fatal Frontier.

These are the adventures of the USS Faterider.

Its mission: to seek out rebellious life forms and disobedient civilizations and blow them up with lasers.

Captains, we've caught the Gromulans with their pants down.

Charge the cannons.

Let's give them hell.

Engage the translator, Officer Maala.

I would like to talk to them.

Two captains is an exciting power dynamic.

Charging cannons and engaging the translator.

Okay, sorry.

Do you guys not understand me?

We understand you.

We come in peace.

Yeah, now prepare to die.

Wait.

Hold on.

Don't sh**t.

Listen.

None of this is real.

This is a fake reality.

Yeah, it's true.

We're all on television.

Watch.

I can press this, uh, plasma cannon button, and nothing's gonna happen.

No, no, no.

Nate, no.

- No.

- On the other hand, why not?

Oh.

Who knew?

That was bad.

- Can't even look.

- Oh, well, I mean, it's an absolutely remarkable vessel really, isn't it?

Officer Maala!

The crew has perished.

No!

There's no need to vocalize at that decibel.

They're androids.

Error...

error...

Oh.

Right.

This battle isn't over yet.

Ooh, crazy episode.

Excuse me, my good sir.

My colleague and I are here to refill your Mush vending machines.

I don't have you on my list.

Lalo, is it?

You don't wanna be known as the guy who lets the building run out of Mush, do you?

All right, go in.

Yes.

Fire laser blasters.

Permanently disabled.

- Photon torpedoes!

- Destroyed.

Hey, ladies, uh, permission to rescue you?

We could just beam you right over here.

Smells like a Gromulan trap.

Okay, you're losing oxygen.

We're gonna rescue you.

We're taking over this ship.

Sure.

That works.

We're...

we're your crew anyways.

I...

I know it's complicated, but we're actually from an alternate timeline where you're our captains.

You're our crew?

May I interest you in some rare Gromulan tea?

Oh, it is grand to see lady adventurers in pantaloons.

What kind of Gromulans are you?

Ultimate Buds.

All right, yeah, I know it's hard to believe, but...

No.

It makes perfect sense.

We encounter this sort of thing all the time.

You're probably our crew from an alternate timeline, and you've been trapped in some sort of, judging by your mannerisms, late and early 20th-century prison dimension, which calls the question if we ourselves our existing in a prison dimension.

It's perfectly logical.

Ava, I love you.

Whoa.

Clotho's control room.

Look.

That contraption is spitting out a script for "Star Trip".

Looks like it's being generated automatically by some sort of scriptwriting algorithm.

What are these?

Those are life threads, Gary.

Someone really is trapped in these shows.

Oh, my Fates!

What is it?

"Ultimate Buds" swag.

We need to figure out our next move.

Uh, what we need is to get out of this TV sh...

prison dimension.

We've been investigating an odd radio wave transmission coming from the planet Kuldezax.

♪ Welcome to my Cul-de-Sac, friend ♪ ♪ That's a street that ends in a circle ♪ Is that a song?

We don't know what to make of it.

This sector should be deserted.

All right.

I'm gonna make contact.

With alien beings?

Are you mad?

Absolutely do not make contact.

Even I think it's a bad idea.

Okay, okay.

I won't.

Mm, on the other hand...

Why not?

♪ Welcome to my Cul-de-Sac, friend ♪ ♪ That's a street that ends in a circle ♪ Children, I think the Fates have sent us some visitors.

Let's be good hosts.

I'll get the door.

Look who it is, everyone.

It's the Community Helpers.

We're on "Mr.

Parker's Cul-de-Sac".

Sewer repair?

That's actually kind of badass.

Could there be such a profession as a firewoman?

Gather around, friends.

It's story time.

Why don't you take a walk around the block?

Oof!

Actually, Officer Lance, it is a Cul-de-Sa...

The logic of this world does not compute.

What exactly is the plan, Dr.

Zari?

I have no idea.

Oh, well, we can't just keep hopping shows ad-infinitum, now can we?

We are on public access.

This is a career-k*ller.

Come on, Sis.

What gives?

Look, I don't know.

If you guys would just remember who you really are, you could help me figure this out, but none of you remember.

Remember what?

That you're in the Legends.

What is a Legend?

What is a Legend?

You guys were heroes.

But it's not because you do magic or because you have superpowers, it's...

What makes you guys special, what makes us special, is that we're just a bunch of...

misfits who are trying to make a difference.

That is what we need right now.

She's talking about us.

We could be those misfits, Gary.

But how?

I've been sanitizing history for too long.

It's time to spread the truth.

"The Legends remember who they truly are".

I wanna do right by Astra.

Make sure she, uh, was happy growing up in a big house.

And I could keep an eye on her.

Your mom never gave up on you.

You can really bring her back?

I can fix everything.

You don't belong here.

As far as I'm concerned, we are co-captains for life.

Always.

Sara!

We changed history.

We changed everything.

No.

Dude, you just came back to life.

I know that I love you.

Find me.

Oh.

I remember everything.

I remember the Legends.

I remember...

Our time with Behrad.

I remember both Zaris.

It's nice to be remembered.

Behrad...

I...

I should be dead.

In every timeline, I shouldn't be alive.

But you're alive here, okay?

Now.

Look...

I actually think I know what happened.

Look, I...

I told Charlie to come up with a way to outsmart her sisters.

Maybe hiding us on TV was that way.

Bloody Charlie.

A butler?

I feel violated.

What the hell, John?

Did the loom bring my mom back or not?

I'm sorry, love.

I don't know.

- Hey.

- Hi.

You found me.

I'm never gonna lose you again.

We did it, Gary!

You idiots.

Great Clotho!

Praise the Fates!

What have you done?

We restored their memories.

Please don't k*ll us.

You're gonna ruin everything.

If only we could explain.

Get out!

I can't let the Legends escape.

Guys, love that you're back together.

And let's just say that I'm processing what it means that my best bro is in love with my sister, who lived my same experiences in a different timeline.

But where's my Zari?

Took the words right out of my mouth, mate.

Mm-hmm.

Uh....

Well, I'm sort of possessing her body.

I mean, I love both of you.

It's just...

I get it.

She belongs here.

Yeah, but what happens to you?

Did someone say "problem"?

It sounds like being stuck in a TV universe and suddenly remembering two different timelines is very confusing.

Well, maybe I can try to help.

I hate to question a living God, but why are you doing this, Clotho?

Because the Legends don't realize that there are consequences to disobedience.

I know all about sad feelings.

I know all about sad feelings.

♪ Sad feelings ♪ ♪ Bad feelings ♪ ♪ Make you so mad you wanna scream feelings ♪ ♪ Everyone sometimes has those feelings ♪ ♪ When you do, just sing this song ♪ Mr.

Parker, I know you're just trying to help, but you...

♪ Repress ♪ ♪ Repress ♪ ♪ I'll go back and repress ♪ ♪ It's better to bury my feelings ♪ ♪ Than feel as awful ♪ ♪ As this ♪ Yeah, you're definitely not Mr.

Parker.

Where did you send them?

Why I just pulled the plug on this crossover, silly.

You all have to go home now.

♪ Sad feelings ♪ ♪ Bad feelings ♪ ♪ Make you so mad ♪ ♪ You wanna scream feelings ♪ ♪ Everyone sometimes has those feelings ♪ ♪ When you do, just sing this song ♪ ♪ Ignore, ignore ♪ ♪ Those pesky feelings are a chore ♪ ♪ Obey the Fates ♪ ♪ Eat your Mush ♪ ♪ And you'll be happy ♪ ♪ Just like two lady bugs ♪ Not today, Satan!

Oh.

Oh.

I am so sorry.

I thought I was tackling Mr.

Parker.

What kind of Mush are we having tonight?

Um, the "you gotta go" kind.

Yeah, how did we not hear that before?

After all that, we're right back where we started.

Mother-fater.

I wanna see the Buds break free.

Just try and make a move on us, and I will burn you, you bastard.

John.

- We need to go back.

- Yeah, sure, love.

Why don't you really listen to her, construction worker John?

I wanna see my mother.

What do you think your mother will suddenly have all of her memories?

What if Natalie's just a character on a TV show, love?

I have to know for sure.

♪ Repress ♪ ♪ Repress ♪ ♪ I'll go back and repress ♪ ♪ It's better to bury my feelings ♪ ♪ Than feel as awful ♪ ♪ As this ♪ ♪ Ignore, ignore ♪ ♪ Those pesky feelings are a chore ♪ ♪ Obey the Fates ♪ ♪ Eat your Mush ♪ ♪ And you'll be happy ♪ ♪ Just like two lady bugs ♪ Eh, we're back.

And it's Christmastime, apparently.

Yep.

Oh.

There you two are.

Mom.

Oh.

My love.

What's all this?

Do you remember anything?

About your life before Highcastle Abbey?

What...

I...

Uh, London?

Magic?

Dad?

Oh, what on Earth are you talking about?

Never mind.

I love you, Mom.

Oh.

I love you too, you goose.

Now you come upstairs and change for dinner.

Astra, listen to me.

I know what you're gonna say: she's not real.

We can stay.

What?

What are you playing at?

It's no trick, love.

Astra, look at me.

What have I got to show for myself?

38 crap years of pain and broken promises.

You wanna know what my original sin was?

It was you.

Astra.

I rail against the angels and the demons for being arrogant bastards, but I'm worse than the bloody lot of them.

You know, I thought that I could use your innocent soul as a bargaining chip to save your mother.

Bollocks.

If you're happy here, then I will spend an eternity as ruddy Mr.

Constantine trying to make it up to you and Natalie.

Is John Constantine really capable of such a selfless act?

Would it be acceptable to dine at half past seven, Lady Astra?

Mrs.

Hutchens is running a trifle late.

Perfectly acceptable, Mr.

Constantine.

That's one show back on track.

My algorithm should take care of the rest.

But I don't understand.

Why are real people trapped on TV?

The Legends, they're my friends.

But my sisters wanted them dead, so I made a deal: weave the Legends into our streaming service where they help indoctrinate the masses, and they could live.

Huh.

I always thought of you as the punk rock Fate.

I didn't have a choice.

Nobody does here.

But that's how it starts, and then you get used to it, obeying, I mean.

Come on.

We have to escape.

What's our course, Captains?

Sara, wait.

- Let's think about this.

- What's there to think about?

We have to get back to real world.

No, I know, okay?

But just...

in the real world, I saw you die.

Okay, and it...

it was awful, and I just keep playing it over and over again in my head, okay?

So look, out there, we lost.

But in here, we always win, Sara.

You're right.

Okay, and that's why Charlie did all this, a crew that can't die, us b*ating the bad guys every time, it's what we asked for back there in the pub.

But that doesn't exist.

Ava, life is beautiful and terrible, all at the same time.

But if we're only living part of it, then we're not living at all.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Captains, I'm picking up a strange transmission.

It's from your old enemy, Dhan.

Captain Lance, Captain Sharpe, old friends.

- He looks kind of hot.

- Oh, Mom.

What?

I'm not dead.

That's gross.

So that's where Rory's been.

It was foolish to think you could escape my wrath.

Dhan's charging his torpedoes.

Should I raise the shields?

You said that we always win, right?

What if the only way to get Charlie to set us free is...

we have to lose?

What is she on about?

You left me.

You left her in the center of a dead planet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just get to the revenge part.

As you wish.

Torpedoes incoming.

Should I take evasive maneuvers?

Negative, Officer Maala.

What if real people die in the TV, Clotho?

You have to save them.

Torpedo impact in five, four, three, two, one.

No!

- What just happened?

- Did they die?

What did you do?

I canceled their show.

You idiots.

Have you any idea what you've done?

I love "Star Trip", and my hair.

Wait, where are we?

And where are the others?

Darling.

Before we go in for dinner, just open one present.

And what's this?

I overheard you talking to Lord Behrad earlier.

It's a ticket to London.

I don't understand.

I couldn't bear it if you sacrificed your happiness for my own.

But what about Highcastle Abbey?

Please, don't make me do this.

I can't say good-bye to you.

Darling, darling.

I'll always be here.

But you have your whole life ahead of you.

Be courageous, my love.

You live it well.

Mr.

Constantine.

Your ladyship.

Is Lady Astra really leaving Highcastle?

Do I have to say it?

Say what, my lady?

You smug bastard.

We can't stay here.

Nat would be proud.

Do it fast before I change my mind.

John, you made it.

Yeah, just about.

What about the others?

Come on, Z.

You didn't live in a Totem for a year just to get stuck on a TV show.

I can't go back to eating mush again, not even blue mush.

Yeah, because no one should eat mush.

It's horrible, and all the colors are deeply unnatural.

Oh, and it has the texture of wet cement.

But, Z, the Fates said we all have to eat mush.

You know what, Nate?

Screw the Fates.

Those imbeciles can't do this.

They'll inspire an insurrection.

They're gonna get themselves canceled.

For too long, we've let the Fates rule our lives.

I happen to like mush, but that's not the point.

Stop being so obedient.

Get off your couches and take control of your lives.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

I miss you.

So, hey, that was pretty crazy back there.

We were, like, engaged.

It's a good thing we're not brainwashed anymore.

Oh, great.

Out of the TV show, still in heels.

You morons.

You just couldn't leave it alone, could you?

I gave you everything that you wanted.

You stuck us on TV.

I brought Sara and Behrad back to life.

Mick, I made you a criminal again.

It's just like you wanted.

I even gave Astra a happy childhood for you, John-o.

Yeah, bollocks.

You just used us to keep people under control.

Well, it's better that than you lot dead.

I still have your life threads.

I can put the shows back on air.

I'll do rewrites.

Behrad, you want the old Zari back, I can do that.

Look.

Behrad, is that really you?

You're alive.

- What's happening?

- Yeah, it's like a Zari clone.

Totally get it.

Wait, what?

Two sisters?

Yeah, this is weird.

Good weird.

It's really you.

Charlie, you can't bribe us into taking the blue pill.

I'm not bribing.

I'm begging.

My sisters will k*ll you.

That's for sure.

Yeah, well, we'll take our chances.

Lita's out there somewhere.

I'm not staying here.

Let's get out of here.

So long, Charlie.

Wait, just accept your fates.

Don't walk out that door.

On the other hand, why not?

They're free!

And I can't help them anymore.