04x10 - Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri

[bunniefuu]

[BARRAGE OF g*nf*re]

Get us out of here. I'll hold them off.

[SCREAMING, ZAPPING]

My name is Beth Smith.

Tell your top bugs the Defiance lives on.

I will. I will.

I'll make you a legend. Blade Smith.

- Beth Smith.
- Beth. Beth. Beth Smith.

Okay, God, it's just such a plain...

I'm trying to come up with a mnemonic device.

You could connect it to not dying.

I know, I know! You think that would sear it right in, but it just speaks to the sheer forgettability.

Oh, God. I-I-I'm, uh, so sorry. Uh, uh, oh, God.

Starts with a "B"...

Congratulations to your government,

business, or terror cell on its acquisition

of the NX- Planet Remover by Xamaxax

in partnership with Wrangler jeans.

The NX- 's industry-leading tachyon beams

eliminate planets twice as fast as the NX- S

with half the battery and zero built-in fatal design flaws.

That's right. No more secret hole

that blows the whole thing up when you sh**t it.

Your enemies will say it's unfair.

- We say it's about time.
- Damn it.

We risked our lives for that?

You did your best.
Maybe you need a break.

- Don't you ever miss Earth?
- I don't have to miss it.

I'm technically still there.

My dad made a perfect clone of me to take my place.

Boy, that Rick. So, if you do go back, what happens to the clone?

Does it have, like, a proximity-triggered device

- in its neck?
- Who cares? Are we done?

Sure. Unless you want me to remove the proximity-triggered device from your neck.

Think it's a b*mb?

Man, what if this is how you found out he never wanted you back, that he loved the clone more than you?

How crazy would that be?

Crazy and of... of course soul-crushing.

For you. I actually have something for that.

Y-You want some? They're nonaddictive.

That's not true.
They're totally addictive.

I'm a terrible doctor.

I actually have something for that, too.

You want some? Nonaddictive. Mmm.

I'm a great doctor.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dr. Wong had a cancellation today.

Anybody up for a family session?

- I could do that.
- I'm... I'm down to clown.

Ooh, not sure my therapy puppet will be done in time.

Great, because she specifically asked you to stop bringing puppets. Dad?

I love therapy, family therapy most of all,

- but I am actually disintegrating.
- Whoa!

- Oh, my God!
- Dad!

Is that really it? We did it?

It's the invisibility belt.

Whoa-whoa-whoa! He grazed them.

That's gonna hurt in like seconds. Thanks, Morty.

Why should I let you use it?

- You never let me use it.
- Can I have the belt?

It would really piss off Morty.

- Fantastic idea.
- What the hell?!

You jerk! Give it!

Hey! Ow!

Share the invisibility. Jerry?

Ooh, this looks like a job for Mr. Nibbles.

Let me just glue one more eye on.

I'm gonna k*ll you!

Woof. Looks like you two have to fight about why you can't control your kids.

Good thing Dr. Wong's got an opening.

Bye.

- You're a bad father.
- Don't let him divide us.

Garage, family therapy mode.

Ah.

- Honey, you're back.
- You seem surprised.

- You never wrote.
- And never exploded?

What I'm hearing is that you think that's a b*mb.

So does every engineer that's seen it.

Engineer? Princess, I'm sure every caveman that sees a microwave calls it a rock cabinet.

The point of inventing is to make things that don't exist.

Then whip me up a reason not to k*ll you.

Dad? We're off to Dr. Wong's.

Scan her.

Dad?

Okay, have fun, pumpkin.

Sorry I'm a piece-of-[BLEEP] father.

Oh, ha-ha! Well, the self-loathing buys a lot back.

Jerry, leave the puppet.

JERRY: It's a one-way ticket to a breakthrough, Beth.

The device in her neck would have transferred a database of her memories to your device before vaporizing her.

So much for that plan.

Why is she... it... why am I back with Jerry?

I thought she was a copy of me.

She is a copy of you.

If she ran back to that dingleberry, that's on you.

Want to grab a drink?

- All the time.
- Good girl.

Ooh.

[SNIFFING]

[BEEPING, WHIRRING]

- To catch a predator.
- What the hell?!

Thermal goggles, bitch.

Mom said share.

You can't share invisibility.
Take those off.

[GRUNTING]

No.

So I'll just see you at cheerleader practice?

Should I bring a poncho?

All right!

- State your terms.
- Give back the belt.

You take the goggles. Go away.

We trade in an hour.

Deal.

[GLASS BREAKS]

How do you like that, bitch?

I liked it more than my old belt.

"Tiny Big Man Junior"?

You shoulda shared.

What are you doing in my house?

Did I wander that far from my console?

They should put a warning on these things.

So, we overrode the gates, and the sl*ve rebellion took the capital.

- Pretty cool.
- Very cool.

My daughter, having space adventures.

They are skewing a tad "Star Wars"-y, though.

Don't forget to have fun.

Well, I came back to m*rder you, not get your notes, but I'll remember to fart more while I'm saving the galaxy.

Okay, I'm the one that made this possible.

It's not a competition.

Of course not. Just curious, though, if it were, would "most wanted" be first place?

You're fighting the Gromflomites?

Dad, they're trying to take over the galaxy!

Everybody in the galaxy tries to take over the galaxy.

The trick is to be left alone by whoever succeeds.

Eh, it's your hero phase.

I had one, too. You'll outgrow it.

No, you did. I'm not gonna outgrow giving a [BLEEP].

Sources tell us these aliens,

who call themselves the Neeeew Galactic Federation,

will blow up the planet unless some woman with a very boring name gives herself up.

- Oh, come on.
- Way to give a [BLEEP].

Next time, don't wipe it on your home planet.

Oh, [BLEEP]. They're gonna track down Beth.

You mean... Beth's clone.

Right. Beth's clone.

What... What did I say?

It really was nice seeing you again.

- Whoo! Yeah!
- Go, Honey Bees!

Good practice, girls.

And remember, we are in a drought, so be sure to shower as one big group at the exact same time.

- [ALARM RINGING]
- Shower fire! The shower's on fire!

Step aside, girls! I got this!

[MORTY WHIMPERING]

[ALARM RINGING WITHIN, MORTY WHIMPERING]

[THUD!]

You're a monster!

Still wanna share?

[WHOOSHING]

Morty Smith, hands up.

You are under arrest

for crimes against the New Improved Galactic Federation.

Wait. What? How are you doing that?

You're not a psychic, are you?

Do you have psychic powers?

- Uh, yes.
- Are they strong powers?

We're just looking for your mother.

You can't, like, stop our hearts, can you?

- Uh, I can.
- Okay, we surrender.

Jerry, do you agree that the use of puppets makes you seem dumb and crazy?

I don't think "crazy" is a responsible word to use in...

It is now. This is crazy.

You're being crazy.

They do it in therapy on TV.

Well, TV gives British people prizes for baking, Jerry.

[BOOM!]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

- Tonya?
- Tammy? Tammya? Tammya.

Hi, Mrs. Smith.

I like your hair better this way.

- How's the stomach?
- What?

Hey! I only said "hey."

It's not like I can do more than that.

As much as I'd like to k*ll you, my superiors have some questions about the Defiance.

I don't have a... I have a Defiance?

Oh, God, I'm a clone.

That's your defense?

No, my defense is eat me.

Hey! Ah! We've been over this.

All I do is say "hey."

Smart g*ns, white-list human life.

And the therapist.

[BLASTING]

Tammy, this is the office where my family works to better itself.

What, and that makes it sacred?

No, it makes it a place I've rigged with a lot of voice-activated escape contingencies.

[CLEARS THROAT]
These are all good points.

I need to take a long look at myself.

Aah! Aah!

I'd like to discuss that.

I don't discuss problems, I incinerate them.

Everybody in the car.

Everybody in my family, not the world.

Jesus, Wong. Boundaries.

I'm better than this job.

♪ ♪

Can't you just make a portal?

Your children are down there invisible, Jerry.

"Make a portal"? Father of the year back here.

Well, you're one to talk.

You told me I wasn't a clone.

Y-You're not a clone.

- And who is that?
- Uh, uh, a clone.

Why would you make a clone of me just to send the clone into space?

Well, you didn't want to go, and I thought, "Okay, that's cool."

But then I thought, "Well, you know what would be even cooler is a space daughter," s-so I made one.

And I put a b*mb in her neck in case she ever came back.

- Father of the year.
- She wasn't supposed to come back.

- Why did she?
- Well, she found a b*mb in her neck.

Wouldn't you?

- Father of the year.
- Shut up!

I'm tired of believing you.

- I want to talk to her.
- No, you don't.

- Jerry, do something.
- Hey.

He told me you're the clone.

What do you think he told me?

You're the clone?

Wow, naive and attractive.

Wow, jaded and hot.

[RICK GRUNTING]

I know this is bad parenting, but if you stop fighting, you both get McDonald's.

How about I just blow my brains out, starting with hers?

Okay, Wendy's. We love Wendy's.

- I-I think they even gave us some money.
- Drop it.

- Don't move!
- Freeze! Get down!

- On the ground! On the ground!
- Don't move!

Everybody, shut up! You're all saying different [BLEEP].

- Wait, so there are two of them?
- More importantly, which one is mine?

Uh, neither, chauvinist.

Whatever. Take them both.

♪ ♪

Cool beam. But let's bargain.

I'm the one you really want.

- Excuse me?
- Uh, smartest man in the universe?

Secret to interdimensional travel?

Ask your bosses.

My bosses are bugs, Rick.

You k*lled the old ones.
The new ones are half my age.

They know if you're left alone, you're a non-thr*at.

- Oofa!
- We got the payload.

Fire up the NX- .

Earth's going Ta-ta.

You might want to do that thing where you find a new universe where you can [BLEEP] yourself off.

You can't tell me what to do.

Awesome. He resisted. We can sh**t him.

- Wha?
- Just go with it, Jerry.

Everybody, drop your g*ns... except for Jerry!

[BLEEP] classic.

[WHOOSHING, g*nf*re]

- Holy [BLEEP]. Morty.
- And Summer.

W-We worked together.
That's... that's our arc.

SUMMER: We went from siblings to invisible to working together.

It's not "Citizen Kane," but why compete with whatever's going on here, you know?

Unh!

- [CRACKS]
- Aah!

You made me go to a wedding.

And you k*lled my best friend.
I shoulda said that one first.

Congratulations, Earth,

on being destroyed by the NX- ,

brought to you by Wrangler.

[ZAPPING]

Ugh, guess the galaxy's most-wanted mammal needs her daddy to come change her diapie.

Come on, kids, we have to go do a [BLEEP] piece of [BLEEP] "Star Wars."

Attention, Zeta - .

We know you have a stolen ship. Stand down.

Oh, am I not a non-thr*at now?

[SPLATTING, GRUNTING]

Hey, you are not cleared to land.

- We will open fire.
- Hold your ground, men.

- You'll be heroes.
- [SPLAT!]

Summer, try unlocking that door by scanning your high-school friend's dead face.

Uh, I have... I have to pee.

Pee on the floor. It's a Death Star.

Okay, but there's rebellion

- and then there's...
- Here, Dad.

- Perfect.
- [BUZZING]

What am I doing wrong?

Ugh, her eyes are closed. Morty, open the left one.

I've got the right.

She d*ed the way she lived, overserialized.

I'm gonna rescue your mom and her clone without revealing which is which.

You two find the NX- and shut it down.

I mean, don't die trying.
There's infinite Earths.

If you can save this one, it's gravy.

Dream team rides again!

Oh, yeah, we're like Luke and Leia.

Uh, except no kissing part.

What's another famous brother-sister team?

Uh, Hansel and Gretel?

Yeah, right, those two were [BLEEP].

Dad, we need the belt.

I can't go with you guys watching.

- You're invisible.
- What if the pee isn't?

You know what?
We don't need invisibility.

Working together is our belt.

- That's our arc. Let's do it.
- I'm gonna go ahead and whistle.

That's how good I feel.

[WHISTLING]

Oh, God. I knew it.

Ugh, this floor isn't level.

♪ ♪

Are they gonna t*rture us?

Unless you plan on telling them what I know.

Last chance to guess who was the clone.

You're his daughter.

Just something about the eyes, the shameless abandonment of your family.

However can I live with myself?

One theory... I was designed by your father to live with myself, which would mean you made a conscious choice to swallow your dreams with cheap wine and dinosaur pasta.

You know that's the kind Jerry likes, same way I know the only g*dd*mn dream you'll ever follow is your shitty father's approval.

You fetch your shitty father's lemonade.

You cosplay as your shitty father in his s.

Red alert. Red alert.

- Rick Sanchez...
- [CHOKING]

RICK: More like dead alert. What else? What else?

I wrote some stuff down in my Notes app.

Let me just find it.

Screw it. Beth, if... if one of you is still alive,

you're my real daughter.

If you're both alive, don't hurt the other one.

She's just a clone. She's not worth it.

I'm coming, baby.

- That piece of [BLEEP].
- That piece of [BLEEP].

I came back k*ll him, you know.

I'd like to help.

- Kick me between my eyes.
- From here?

Oh, you dropped yoga so you could buy

Jerry more Flintstones Vitam...

♪ ♪

Oh, I do not like the looks of this giant fight chamber.

[GAS HISSING]

[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]

- Bird Person?
- It is now Phoenix Person.

You're working for them?

What did they do to you, BP?

It is now PP. Where is Tammy?

Oh, don't worry about her. I k*lled her.

I loved her.

Really? Huh. Then can I suggest, as an alternate name,

Crazy [BLEEP] Whipped Person?

Aah!

- [BLASTING]
- Unh!

[GROANS]

[BLAST, BLOW LANDS]

Aah!

[PING!]

[COUGHS]

It's funny.

I always wondered who would win if we ever fought.

Then you were always a bad friend.

[POWERING UP, BLASTING]

- Aah!
- [COCKS w*apon]

Morty, we had one grenade.

- He had a g*n.
- Whatever. Come on.

- Did you hear something?
- Doesn't matter.

If anyone's around, they're here to stop the laser, and they can't do it without us seeing them.

"Working together is our belt"?

You gave it away!

You said we didn't need it.

I wish you were never born.

You were an accident.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

How come some of the pants are...

The NX- can't destroy Wrangler jeans.

Like, it literally can't destroy them or it's programmed not to?

Gee, what do you think?

[WHOOSHING]

[GRUNTING, f*ring, BLOWS LANDING]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

You k*ll a good bug, for a horse doctor.

Thanks, me.

Maybe we could do, like, a "Parent Trap" thing together sometime.

As long as you mean the Lindsay Lohan version.

Naturally.

What do you think they do with all those jeans?

- Make them into jackets?
- It's not about conserving denim.

It's marketing. Like, uh, "The NX- destroys the whole planet except for the Wrangler jeans."

Because they're so tough.
Tougher than the laser?

- Stupid.
- You're talking about it.

Mm, you're right. They... they got me.

Hey, over here. Look at me.

Did you just see a pantsless little boy run by?

I'm not falling for that again.

I used to be invisible, but now I'm the opposite.

Get him. But not in a weird way.

You made it weird.

♪ ♪

NX- corporate sponsor detected.

Cannot penetrate Wranglers.

Built too tough.

Built... too... tough.

I k*lled them! I-I did...
I did it offscreen.

God damn it. Morty, fix your underwear.

I saw your balls for a second.

That's on you.

Why can't I meet your parents?

- Are you embarrassed of me?
- No, of them.

Aww.

[expl*si*n, SPLATTING]

♪ ♪

[GROANING, BANGING]

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- Unh... ahh!

[BLASTING]

[GROANS, ENTRAILS SPLAT]

Never thought this was how I'd die.

[SLURPS] We're nowhere near Venice,

and you're not a dwarf in a raincoat.

[POWERING UP]

Step back. You're not k*lling him till we kick his ass, Bird Person.

My name is Phoenix Person.

No one's calling you that. Dumb.

It fascinates me that an entire family can be this critical and suck this much.

[BLASTING]

♪ ♪

Aah!

♪ ♪

Aah!

Bird Person, stop.

It's me, that Tammy girl.

Tammy, this is unexpected.

I was told you were dead.

That is ab-so-lute-ly not true.

I'm more alive than I've ever been.

You are behaving rather strangely.

Me? Strange? Oh, my.

Well, who's normal, really?

Now, come here, you big hollow-boned featherhead.

Let me give you some of this sweet ass.

[JERRY YELPS]

[ROARING]

[POWERS DOWN]

Saved the day with puppeting.

Only one with a decent arc.

He does have his moments.

Mom, Dad!

Mom. Uh, we did it!

Morty became super visible!

Summer put my jeans in a laser!

Morty, look at your little balls!

- I know!
- Bring it in here, guys.

Damn, this thing has twin turbines?

I'll forgive you for abandoning us if you let me drive it.

That works for me... I was just gonna give you space cigarettes.

I love having two moms.

And I love having two wives.

Never gonna happen, Jerry.

You jerk-offs ready to get the answers to your burning questions?

What's this, Dad?

The memory of which Beth is real and which Beth is a clone, obviously.

You mind-blew yourself? You...

You literally don't even know which of your daughters is real.

Of course you don't. Why am I surprised?

I'm sure you'd love for us to need that from you, but I don't care what's in that vial.

Yeah, me neither.

You're a piece of [BLEEP] either way.

So what? After all this, you don't want to know the truth?

The truth is we have more important [BLEEP] to do like raise our kids and stamp out the Federation, neither of which seem like they want anything to do with you.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Morty? Sum-Sum?

You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is.

Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now.

- It's... That's kind of a win/win.
- Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bull[BLEEP] just because you're losing control.

I know what I want to do.

- I want you to decide.
- What?

For once in my life, I want you to decide, Dad.

Do you want me to stay here and be part of your life, or do you want me to leave?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I know you tried ♪

♪ I know you tried your best ♪

_

♪ ♪

- [SIGHS]
- ♪ And now it's time to put this all to rest ♪

Hup! Ho! Big money, big money.

Eyes on the lady.

Switcheroo. Which one's which?

[CLICKS OFF PROJECTOR]

Holy sh*t. I'm a terrible father.

♪ Oh, a distant... ♪

At least I'm a pretty good friend.

Looks like it's just you and me, buddy.

[POWERS UP, SCREAMS]

Okay, all right, we'll give you a little more time.

♪ ... to drag me down ♪

♪ Down ♪

♪ If you go, then I'm going with you now ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Don't look back, nothing left to see ♪

♪ Just leave the shadows in the past ♪

♪ If I let it go ♪

♪ Can I shake this feeling? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ Tomorrow's one day that I'm never getting back ♪

♪ I can feel you though ♪

♪ Wake me from this dreaming ♪

Ah, goodbye, old friend.

We've had our fun, but I'm ready to be seen again.

What the [BLEEP]?!

- Oh, my God! Where did I go?
- Oh, shitskis.

Aah!

Slow down! There's an invisible garbage truck

- in the road!
- Yeah, right.

I'm alive. I survi...

[expl*si*n]

[SANITATION WORKERS SCREAMING]

I mean, when in Rome.

♪ Invisible Garbage Truck Jerry ♪

♪ It's a new franchise ♪

[MOTOR HUMMING]

Bitch, your job is to have intercourse with strangers and give me the money.

Sorry I called you a bitch, it's a vocational term.

It's not how I feel about you personally.

- [WHIRRING]
- What the... what... what... aah!

Aah!

Somebody call for a pickup?

Let's go take out the trash.

♪ Invisible Garbage Truck Jerry ♪

♪ It's a new franchise ♪

♪ Until he runs out of gas ♪

[SIGHS] Well, we had a good run.