Samantha: Having a baby is the most natural process in the universe.
A hysterectomilogical blooming that hinges on our ability to relax and breathe.
And through that relaxation comes peace and a oneness with nature.
Why the f*ck was I ever born?
[grunting]
Blowing 70 bucks on a baby.
Could've had ten surf and turfs.
Twelve on Veteran's Day.
[kids gasping]
Jesus!
You ever hear of knocking?
You ever hear of running away?
Uh, don't everyone jump up to help me at once.
g*dd*mn kids, laying around doing nothing.
All they do is watch TV and bitch...
[kids grumbling]
Ah!
g*dd*mn it!
f*cking God and gravity teaming up on me!
Having a day, huh?
A day?
I'm having a life.
My whole family hates me.
And to top it off, Sue made me buy the f*cking Taj Mahal of cribs.
I swear to God, what would she be doing if she wasn't wasting money?
Wasting money?
Like your set of 12 Colt Luger beer steins?
They're collector's items, Susan!
They were the last ones with lead paint!
I hope Colt Luger dies in that Mexican jail.
Well, I hope your hero dies too!
Who is it, the laundry machine?
Ho-ho, keep digging that hole!
Oh, I will!
Believe you me, I will see you in China!
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ [grunts]
Ah!
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ [boom]
Frank: Argh.
For all I spent on this overpriced piece of sh1t, that kid better sleep in it until it gets drafted.
I don't want my baby around your negative aura today.
I'm taking the kids to the mall.
Mom says we're getting pretzels.
I said we'll see.
Oh, man!
Sucks!
Oh, no, get them the pretzels, Sue!
Go get yourself a mink coat while you're at it!
Sue: d*ck!
[door closes]
I doubt anyone's ever said this before, but I'm glad I was in Camden all week.
What the hell happened around here?
Ah, you don't want to know.
The f*ck I don't.
Tell your old man what's got you so upset.
It helps to get things off your chest.
Oh, you mean share my feelings?
You sound like one of those weirdos from Sue's pregnancy class.
"Ooh, feelings.
What's happening to my body?
I'm crying all the time, but I have no tangible problems.
Meanwhile, my husband is working himself into an early f*cking grave!" Calm down!
Jesus, I'm just trying to help.
You want to help?
Learn French.
Why did you get a new crib, anyway?
You have a perfectly good one right here.
Sue's friend Madame Ovary says it's a death trap.
What does she know?
Uh, it'd take a couple of whacks to get through a real kid's neck.
I don't know.
I really tried to be there for everybody this week, and it still bit me in the ass.
And it started out so positive when Sue almost lost the baby.
All right, now listen up.
Your mom's accident yesterday was terrible, but it made me realize we can't take each other for granted.
And now I got a second chance to be a better husband and father.
[scoffs]
Second chance?
How'd you like a second chance at my foot up your ass?
Okay, okay, that was a mulligan.
Starting right now, I'm a better dad.
I'm coming to your game this week, not as a coach, not yelling at Grandpa.
Just as a proud father in the stands.
Thanks, Dad.
Looks like you really stuck up for yourself last night.
Yeah.
I...
I don't know.
Coach Fitzy was proud of me, but I'm not sure if...
That's my boy.
You keep that up.
Look at you, being a man, unlike your older sister, Kevin...
who seems to be suffering from the early stages of menopause.
And, princess, I will be there this week to help paint sets for your play.
Thanks, but I hate the play now.
Amy's the star, and I'm playing convict number four.
He doesn't even have a name.
Maureen, life is about making the most of opportunities.
A while back, I lost a promotion to a man I had no respect for.
But I didn't get discouraged.
I played by the rules, and I bided my time.
And then, one day, that guy walked into a propeller.
My point is sometimes people get shredded, and then it becomes your time to shine.
Until then, you be the best convict number four you can be.
Okay, I will.
And don't worry about the name.
Prisoners have numbers.
[chuckles]
Soon we'll be calling Kevin "three-four-two-six-nine." Kevin, I just insulted you twice in the last minute.
You want me to say them again?
Dad!
I'm trying to focus on my rock 'n' roll homework.
Vic says I have to sing about catamarans, and, like, I have no idea if that's a fish or a mammal.
Well, here's an idea: Why don't you use the encyclopedias I busted my ass to get you guys?
You stole those out of the dumpster at the library.
Hey!
It's not stealing if somebody threw them out, you no-good thankless f*cks!
All right, starting now, starting now, I'm a better dad.
And no upsetment around here today.
Your mom's in a very fragile state.
Frank!
Come up here!
I need you right away!
Okay, darling!
Christ, I'm getting whiplash from these mood swings.
Sweetie, you shouldn't be out of bed.
Come on, let's get those feet up before your ankles get any more bulbous.
Frank, I feel great.
Aren't you excited that we're going to Lamaze?
Yeah, yeah.
And if we're good, maybe the Lamazes will come to us.
No, Frank, Lamaze is the birthing classes I told you about last night.
You said you'd go to them with me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you have such a good memory.
[chuckles]
All right, sign us up.
Can't wait to go with you to your birthing classes.
Oh, this is gonna be fun, Frank!
I'll be awake through all of it, and you'll be there to support me for the natural labor that could go on for days!
Once my water breaks, you'll start timing my contractions.
[plop]
I'll have to try different positions.
On my knees or on my side!
Or while I'm standing or squatting!
[panting]
It's time...
to start pushing...
when my cervix...
is fully...
dilated.
Oh, you got a filthy mouth!
Wait, you have to be there when the baby is born?
What kind of Communist sh1t is that?
You did your job.
You put the baby in there.
I had to go along with it.
I used up all my "are you f*cking kidding me's" for the month.
Christ, when you were born, I shoved your mother in a cab to the hospital.
I went to the bar.
Six days later, she picked me up, and I took her word for it that she brought home the right kid.
I know.
But still, I went to the class at the Women's Center anyway, and I did my best.
Big bill: They have centers for women?
What the hell do they do there?
Paint each other's toes?
Oh, Frank, it means the world that you're gonna participate in this birth with me.
Yeah, I can't stop thinking about it.
Jesus Christ!
Welcome, procreators.
It's so good to see you again, Sue.
[chuckles]
I'm Samantha.
You must be...?
Frank.
Frank Murphy.
Does the female v*g1n* make you uneasy?
No!
I'm just a little uncomfortable coming face-to-face with one.
I can vouch for that.
Samantha: Effleurage massage helps ease the contractions as your partner prepares for labor.
Being touched by a loved one has a transplendent effect on inner harmony.
Frank, gently massage Sue's belly, like a dolphin twirling with the current.
Frank: That ought to do it.
Something tells me there wasn't a lot of physical affection in your life as a child.
No, no, no, you're wrong.
I got a birthday handshake every year.
From my mom.
Patrick, why don't you show Frank how to sensually connect with his wife?
[chuckles]
Gladly.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Back off, Paddy.
I can be transplendent, you f*cking creep.
Here we go.
I can do this.
Just like washing a dirty windshield.
All: Aw!
Aw, thank you, honey.
Good job, Frank!
[applause]
Oh, yeah, clap for this, not my service in Korea.
You've earned a moment of relaxation.
Let's watch a film.
See, Frank?
Isn't this nice?
Yeah, it's like date night, except I don't have to worry about getting you pregnant.
Female narrator: Lamaze presents Your Safe and Healthy Birth.
Starring and dedicated to the memory of Lena Montgomery.
The birthing process has begun.
Lena's cervix has dilated to ten centimeters, or, as her ancient foremothers would have put it, two-and-a-half pine cones.
[screaming]
Female narrator: As the baby breaks through the final barrier, a life begins.
[Lena screams]
[splattering]
Oh, and when I start having contractions, that's when I breathe and relax and stay on my feet until I pass my mucus plug.
Hey, sounds like a party.
Frank: I'm pretty sure I clipped a kid on a bike.
But I was a hero to Sue.
And I really came through for a friend at work.
Polls for the special election open at 7:00 a.m.
Rosie, listen, I'm really sorry I didn't help you with your speech last week.
I was all...
Hey, that guy on TV looks like you if you were fatter.
That is me!
TV adds 30 pounds.
And takes some hair away.
Great God in Heaven, grant your children the power to make this man your next alderman!
Chauncey "Rosie" Roosevelt!
Yeah!
Hey, there's Rosie!
Mayor Anthony Tangenti and his corrupt cronies have neglected this neighborhood for too long.
Now, if you elect me, I will dedicate my life to making your life better.
I will close the fire hydrants!
[crowd cheering on TV]
I will make sure the basketball hoops in our parks have nets.
Man: That's right!
And backboards.
Man 2: Oh, yeah!
And rims!
And I will fix all the stoplights that are stuck on yellow!
[cars crashing]
All: Yeah!
Yeah!
[all cheering]
Jeffords: With an eight-point lead in the polls, Roosevelt is poised to become the first n*gro alderman in the city's history.
Yeah, all right, Rosie!
Yeah, yeah, all right!
Breaking news, election officials have announced that, due to surprise budget cuts, Twelfth Ward voters will have to go across town tomorrow and vote in Whitesboro.
sh1t.
That's a 40-minute bus ride.
Breaking-er news, all bus service in the Twelfth Ward has been canceled tomorrow.
Oh, that's too bad.
[groans]
I knew those crooks would cook up a way to f*ck me out of this election.
They know damn well my base needs those buses to get to the polls.
It's over!
[grunts]
Eh, f*ck them, Rosie.
You can still win this thing.
Look, I let you down once, but not again.
I'm gonna help you.
The hell you gonna do?
Drive everybody in my neighborhood to the f*cking voting place?
No.
But we know someone who can.
Ah, I think we do.
Oh, I get it.
You want to go splitsies on a whore while we think of an idea.
Today, you ain't delivering black-market Fiddle Faddle.
No, sir.
Today, you become part of history by delivering caramel-coated democracy.
You will pick up this man's voters, and you will take them to the polls.
And after they vote for Rosie, f*ck them!
All: Yes, sir!
[funk music playing]
[tires squeal]
Frank: We drove 700 voters to the polls.
Smokey sold 20 cases of grape soda.
And it worked.
Jeffords: The results are apparently official.
Chauncey Roosevelt was certified as the victor at 9:00 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time, some 38 minutes ago, thus becoming the first black alderman in city history.
[sighs]
Hug your kids, folks.
America d*ed tonight.
[all cheering]
This is a victory for every one of any of the two races who knows our community deserves better.
I am touched and humbled by your faith in me.
And I won't let you down.
Man: Right on.
Georgia, I love you.
Smokey Greenwood, none of this would've happened without you.
Oh, don't say my name.
[chuckles]
They're looking for me.
[all laughing]
Finally, I want to thank Frank Murphy.
Through your gift of friendship, you came up with a plan to deliver my voters to the polls.
You're like Santa Claus, except you're white.
[all laughing]
That's funny 'cause Santa Claus is white.
Not above 71st Street he ain't!
[all laughing]
Now hold on, wait a minute.
Why are you acting like somebody sh1t in your Ovaltine?
Sounds like your week went great.
This was just Tuesday.
And it was all downhill from there.
[sighs]
I make an effort.
I do everything right, but no good deed goes unpunished.
Like with Rosie, right after he won, he tells me he wants to get a jump on being the best alderman in the history of the Twelfth Ward, so he's gonna take all of his unused sick days.
Well, how many is that?
Four, five?
Forty-seven.
Rosie, that's almost three months.
Christ, what the f*ck will I do?
Frank, it's not forever.
Alderman isn't a full-time job, but I only get one cr*ck at this.
I mean, what'd you think was gonna happen when I got elected?
I didn't think that far.
You thought I was gonna lose!
All you ever talked about was losing!
I was trying to lower my expectations!
And I was helping you lower them, you f*cking ingrate!
Ingrate?
I thanked you in my victory speech!
I didn't even thank my kids, m*therf*cker!
And where are you lovely folks going today?
We don't know.
None of us knows nothing.
Frank: Then things got worse that afternoon at Maureen's play practice.
She took my advice.
Too well.
If you can electrocute a dog, you can electrocute a person.
Oh, Alfred P.
Southwick, you've given the death penalty new life.
Oh, that was wonderful.
Now let's bring up our "no small parts" actors to rehearse their very small parts.
I think she's talking about us!
I am convict number four, but my real name is Horace Lee Chapman.
Let currents of justice course through your body.
For I, Alfred P.
South...
Hold on, Al.
I am innocent of the crime for which I was condemned, shoving a flaming-hot poker up an old b*st*rd's sh1t kitchen.
[kids groaning]
What the hell kind of play is this?
You can't change the script.
Now be a good girl and get ex*cuted.
I was just following my dad's advice.
Francis Murphy, you put her up to this?
No, I never...
Yes, you did!
You told me to be the best convict number four I could be!
I never said anything about sh1t kitchens.
That was mine.
Go away, Bridget.
The "Dead Moms Club" meets down the hall.
Suck my hairy tit!
[Bridget grunts]
[screams]
Ha-ha, missed me!
[grunts]
My creation!
[kids grunting]
Frank: But that sh1t storm was just a drizzle compared to what happened at Bill's hockey game.
Thanks a lot, Dad!
They made me the off-stage script assistant.
I don't even get a death scene anymore.
Life is a death scene, princess.
Now just let me cheer on Bill in peace.
[whistle blows]
Frank: Hey, go get them, Bill!
Remember what I told you!
Stick up for yourself!
That's my son out there.
[whistle blows]
[grunts]
Whoa.
[rock music playing]
[grunting]
[screams]
Ah!
Which one is your boy?
Uh, the weird goalie with the giant head.
[moaning]
Jesus Christ, it's like the jacuzzi room at the Quint City Motor Inn.
You're disgusting.
At least I'm not telling the whole neighborhood about mucus plugs and afterbirth.
Oh, Marie.
I love when you're on your high horse.
Saddle up, cowboy!
To my boys!
I'm so proud of all of you!
Papa, does this mean I can sleep inside the house now?
Don't push it.
All: Fryers!
Fryers!
Fryers!
Dad, coach says I'm the toughest player he's ever seen.
And he's been to prison.
Bill, what you did, that's not what hockey is about.
I mean, there's a difference between playing tough and playing dirty.
But you told me to keep it up.
I told you to stick up for yourself, not to go around slew-footing everyone on the other team.
Jesus, Dad.
First I'm a p*ssy, then I'm a bully?
Make up your mind.
What kind of disappointment am I?
At least he didn't get you demoted to "backstage nobody." Oh, for Chrissake, let's all pile on Dad!
Open season on the breadwinner!
You're screaming at us because we listened to you!
It's not fair!
Well, it's high time that you learned that life isn't fair!
I already know that.
You put it in my birthday card every year.
And a quarter!
Yeah, well, I'm gonna do what Coach Fitzy wants me to do.
He likes me.
There's Billy-boy, my star!
And just three months ago, I couldn't have cared less if you d*ed in that train accident.
[scoffs]
f*cking kids.
They don't appreciate me.
Never a kind word.
Hey, Dad.
Don't patronize me, you son of a bitch.
What?
I was coming to thank you for your advice.
I used the encyclopledia like you said, and I wrote a whole song about catamarans.
♪ With two equal shafts ♪ ♪ And a mast as tall as a steeple ♪ ♪ A catamaran is a pleasure craft ♪ ♪ For two to 16 people ♪ Okay, and then you go: ♪ Catamaran, set sail across the ocean ♪ Both: ♪ Catamaran Don't forget your suntan lotion ♪ Are you okay?
Nah, it's just so nice to see a friendly face.
I'm glad you're happy.
Thanks for noticing.
I bet it's that girl you're seeing, huh?
How do you know about her?
Well, she signed her name on your neck with her mouth.
Oh, yeah.
[chuckles]
So who's the lucky lady?
Oh, she's not a lady.
She's a girl at school.
You don't know her, and if you did, that would be really creepy.
Is she that, uh...
You know, the one you went to summer school with?
Who?
You know, that...
No, I don't know.
You know.
I don't.
You know, your little lady friend there.
South of the Mediterranean.
She's not black, if that's what you're worried about!
r*cist!
r*cist?
Oh, what the f*ck?
I don't care if she's black, white, brown, green, or purple!
You'd freak the f*ck out if she was purple!
Everybody would!
It's weird!
You're such a d*ck!
I'm not the one calling people r*cist!
[doors open]
I just helped a black guy do a thing!
And now I get to bring another kid into the world who's gonna end up hating me.
What's the f*cking point?
But what happened to make Sue so mad at you?
Oh, that was the cherry on top of the sh1t sundae.
So last night we had yet another birthing class.
Breast milk is mother's ambrosia.
Studies show it leads to better brain development.
Uh...
When is the right time to stop breastfeeding?
I don't know, Linda.
When do you want your baby's brain to stop growing?
I guess...
never?
Good answer.
This broad.
Frank.
Sorry, sorry.
It's time for partner praise.
Who has something to celebrate?
Frank has stopped drinking before he gets home from work, and he got our new crib all set up.
Oh, don't thank me.
Thank the Baby-B-Safe corporation of Juárez, Mexico.
You bought a Baby-B-Safe crib?
Sure did, on clearance.
They were practically giving them away.
[all gasp]
A committed partner would have read the "For the Father-to-Be" pamphlet I handed you at the very first class.
Woman: Oh, my God!
[all grumbling]
You didn't read the literature?
I read the literature.
Frank, this is a bright neon sign screaming, "You are not emotionally available for Sue or your baby." Or maybe it's a sign that I'm busting my ass all day to feed three ungrateful kids.
It's not about you.
It's about her.
Everyone, this is what it looks like when a man emotionally abandons his wife.
Who was he?
Who?
Who was the guy who dumped you and made you this way?
Did he turn back into a rat after the spell wore off?
Frank!
No, it's okay.
I got this, Sue.
I'm used to dealing with men like this.
Let me tell you about yourself, Frank.
Oh, go ahead, moonbeam.
You are incapable of displaying or responding to any type of emotion.
You're afraid of intimacy.
You're afraid to admit you need love.
You're afraid of feelings in general.
Hmm.
Samantha: The only emotion you're comfortable with is rage.
Really?
Samantha: Partly because you can't control it, but mostly because it pushes people away.
Ah.
Maybe if you'd gotten just one single hug in the first 18 years of your life, you wouldn't be so emotionally crippled.
Let me tell you something, lady.
I should get a f*cking medal for putting up with your bullshit for as long as I did!
Paying good money to listen to you teach my wife how to breathe, like you just f*cking discovered it and it's not something every person in this room has been doing involuntarily for, I don't know, f*cking ever!
Frank, this is something I believe in.
You didn't even read the brochure or any of the books I gave you.
The healing stones you said you bought were just gravel from the driveway.
Well, you're not sick, are you?
I'm sick of you!
I'm about to go through intense labor bringing your child into this world, and all I ask for is that I have my best friend there to hold my hand.
Who?
Ginny?
You, you idiot!
I'm out of here.
[grunting]
Help me get up so I can walk out on you!
Patrick: I bought the healing stones.
So I shell out 70 bucks for another crib, and she's still mad at me.
They're all mad at me.
The whole world hates Frank Murphy.
Well, your crib's finished, you big baby.
The way things are going, I might need to sleep in it tonight.
Well, just one last thing to do before I can close the casket on this f*cking week.
And a uno, and a dos, and a three!
[grunts]
See you in hell, baby k*ller!
How's this for displaying emotion, you f*cking bitch?
[both laughing]
The nerve of that woman.
"If you only had one hug as a kid." What does she know?
Nobody ever touched her.
[laughs]
You know...
I guess you never did hug me.
Oh, sure I did.
Had to be at least once.
Right?
I don't think so.
I would definitely remember it.
[chuckles]
Well, then, better late than never.
Come here, son.
Let me fix all your problems.
I can't wait till I'm totally cured!
And we'll end the gas crisis while we're at it.
[both laugh]
[chuckles]
[horn honks]
Get a room, you pole-smokers!
It's a family hug, you sick f*ck!
[breaks squeal]
Both: Oh, sh1t.
[panting]
Frank: The car's unlocked!
The car's unlocked!
[panting]
[whimpers]
It was just a hug, Sue, but it meant so much.
I figured it out.
All this time, my rage, my blowing up at you and the kids, it was about my dad.
As much as I hated him...
deep down inside I guess I just needed an "attaboy." I've been telling you that for six weeks.
Yeah, but now I get it.
It's all over, Sue.
I don't have issues anymore.
If you say so.
One hug, and 40 years of resentment is fixed for good?
This won't last.
It's gonna blow up again, and it'll be all on me to pick up the pieces.
[sighs]
I'm sorry to burden you with this, but you're the only one I can talk to.
What do I do with a screwed-up husband like this?
I might not be the best person to answer that question.
♪ With two equal shafts ♪ ♪ And a mast as tall as a steeple ♪ ♪ A catamaran is a pleasure craft ♪ ♪ For two to 16 people ♪ ♪ Catamaran, set sail across the ocean ♪ ♪ Catamaran Don't forget your suntan lotion ♪ [whirring]
[g*nsh*t]