Woman: This is the final boarding call for Mohican Airways flight 38, hopefully flying nonstop to Cleveland.
Thanks for taking me on this trip, Bob.
I promise, after these training sessions, there won't be any more problems with that X-ray doohickey.
That's splendid, Red.
I just hope that teacher knows the difference between giving lessons and giving orders, 'cause I don't like being pushed around.
Don't like it one bit.
Oh, Christ, are you gonna talk the whole flight?
Only until the quaaludes kick in.
This trip is gonna be great.
Just you and me, the two musketeers.
Thanks for letting me come along, Bob.
Things at home are a f*cking nightmare.
Aw, sh1t, Frank's coming?
Yes, he is.
Now move your crap off my seat.
You're not the boss of me!
Yes, I am!
That's all I am!
Hold the plane for Rosie!
Him too?
Ooh, boy.
This trip came at the right time.
Now I can clear my head and figure out how I can stop that shifty-ass mayor from ruining my neighborhood.
And I'm giving my wife four days to realize that when she married me, she struck f*cking gold.
And I'm gonna patch things up with my son!
Ah, sh1t.
Maybe next year.
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ [grunts]
Ah!
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ [boom]
Man: This Sunday, celebrate the mellow West Coast sounds of the new Kweeze 109.5 at the sunniest, breeziest blowout of the fall: KweezeToberfest.
Get your citrus on, try something called an avocado, and kick back to tranquil, easy vibes from La Cienega Sunset, La Cienega Sunrise, Pomona Freeway, Mild Salsa Alert, and others!
Did you hear that?
He's talking about you!
"And others!" Oh, my God!
This is our big break!
How much p*ssy can you get when you're "and others"?
I don't know, but I think you're gonna leave that washing machine behind.
Y'all mind if I put a load in her?
Hey, hey, let's focus on the music now.
If all you want to do is get some stank on your hang-down, start...
cleaning chimneys.
I thought we were here to bring this band into the big time.
Yeah, we are.
Listen to Vic, guys.
He's been in the music business forever.
[chuckles]
Well, not forever, Kevin.
Well, longer than I've been alive.
Hey, man, I only got 15 years on you!
Let me tell you something, it goes like that!
Now we got a lot of work ahead of us before Sunday.
We're gonna change your look, change your names, work on your sound until it's breezy as sh1t.
No pressure, but if this doesn't work out, I'm gonna k*ll myself.
[chuckles]
Now let's get f*cking mellow!
Man: Uh, this is your captain speaking.
We are now beginning our descent into Cleveland.
[passengers coughing]
This bed's for me and Frank.
[flatulence]
I've been holding that in since Steubenville.
Jesus Christ, I'll take the other bed.
[groans]
I'll sleep on the chair and the luggage rack.
Better call the missus first.
Oh, there's so much to see in this glorious city.
[gasps]
James Garfield's birthplace...
[gasps]
...Eliot Ness's deathplace.
Oh, my God, Frank, this one's gonna get your ding-dong ringing!
The Bowling Ball Museum!
They have h*tler's personal ball.
He only had the one, you know.
Hey, Bob, don't forget why we're here.
We got to get certified to run that f*cking X-ray machine so this airline can stay in the sky.
Okay, take it easy, Frank.
You know what they say, all work and no nougat...
Bob, are you allowed to eat that stuff?
It was a long flight.
Taffy helps unclog the ears.
[grunts]
I'm fine, baby.
We're all in the one room, but it should be okay.
[blabbering]
I'm motorboating myself.
Yeah, I still regret saving his life.
See you soon now.
Love you.
Hey, you want to call home, Frank?
Sure.
I'll break the bad news to Sue that my plane landed safely.
[dial tone]
Hey, you know what?
When I left this morning, she told me not to call.
So fine, I won't.
And besides, I don't want to hear any more sh1t from her about my dad.
So f*ck it.
Bob: Good for you.
Thanks, Bob.
I'm glad somebody supports me.
No, I was just reading the name of this candy bar.
f*cking ingrate.
Sucker punches me in the kisser.
His old man who put clothes on his back.
The thankless f*ck.
The guys in the kitchen just loved your story about tricking those immigrants into painting your house.
Pie's on us.
Well, that sweet smile is the sugar in my coffee.
Aw, now aren't you the most darling man who ever lived?
Attaboy.
One.
Two.
Three.
Door.
Bruce again!
It's always Bruce.
Every space has a door on it.
Bruce again!
This game sucks!
[grunts]
Ah!
[garbled]
Bruce again!
You jerk!
You're worse than Dad.
Nobody's worse than that piece of sh1t.
Watch your mouth!
And don't talk about your father like that.
Oh, so we're not allowed to hate him, but you are?
I don't hate him.
Oh, I guess I got confused this morning when I heard you tell Dad, "I hate you." It's just something married people say to each other sometimes.
Do they also say, "I knew it was a mistake when I was walking down the aisle"?
[groans]
Why do you kids always hear what you're not supposed to hear?
You have no idea what I've heard.
And seen.
♪ Catamarans go cruising by ♪ ♪ That's why they call me Mr.
Chilled-Out Guy ♪ That's perfect!
Still too funky.
So take the funk out, take the rock out, put a little blues in there, take that out, take out all the excitement and put me to sleep.
Let's go again.
[buzzer sounds]
[crowd clamoring]
f*ck you, Rustvale!
Oh, yeah?
Well, you've got a titty bar in your downtown!
Full nude, you f*cking animals!
All right, let's put these fairies to sleep, and we're in the champeen-ship game!
[whistle blows]
[grunts]
[clamoring]
Time to put the birdie in the birdhouse!
[buzzer sounds]
[cheering]
Hey, hey!
That was my son you hurt, you freckled piece of sh1t!
You're next, old man!
Attaboy, Bill!
That's my Rat.
Dad, I scored the winning goal.
Don't be so needy.
[whimpers]
Enjoy that hatred, son.
You've earned it.
[clamoring]
But that's my coach-janitor-dad.
Welcome to Invasive Industries.
You are here to get FAA-certified to operate the C-Thru-U 2000 X-Ray Luggage Scanner.
My name is Cliff Haskins, and over the next few days, I'm really gonna see what you're made of!
[laughs]
[clears throat]
All right.
One of those groups.
Let's meet your classmates.
Uh...
say hello to Mohican Airways.
How's it going, fellas?
Wisconsin Dairy Air.
Hey, dere!
Florida Panhandle Airlines.
Jimmie Johnson!
Okeechobee!
And Alaquippa Airlines.
Hello, everybody.
Morning.
Now, I know Mohican and Alaquippa are adversaries on the tarmac, but here, we are all flying in the same direction.
If you flew in a different direction on that flight to Wichita, that college volleyball team would still be alive.
Oh, right.
[all chuckling]
[makes crashing noises]
Gator meat!
[all laughing]
Okay, okay, enough fun.
Hey, hey, this is important stuff.
I left my pregnant wife at home to do this, okay?
So pay attention.
Really?
That's, uh...
That's kind of messed up there, don't you think there, buddy?
Who the f*ck are you?
You know, Frank, lashing out is the first sign of denial.
Ah, f*ck you, Ed!
Talk about X-rays!
Cliff: Okay, open your books to chapter one.
"What is a g*n and what does it look like?" Let's go again.
Relax me, you f*ckers!
[groans]
[guitar playing]
♪ I'm at sea, I'm at sea ♪ ♪ Not sure where this breeze Is taking me ♪ ♪ My catamaran is unanchored And I'm free ♪ ♪ So why do I feel so at sea?
♪ Three more times.
[carnival music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
All right, Skeeter, this is your chance.
You're finally running the Tilt-A-Whirl.
This next moment will define your legacy.
[fanfare playing]
[whirring]
[laughing]
It's times like this when I wish I could read.
Hey, all right, today we celebrate the birth of The Kweeze!
[cheering]
Now, let's give a nice soft-rock hand to Laurel Canyon Boulevard with their hit single "Valley Shortcuts." ♪ Valley shortcuts ♪ Alice!
Over here!
It's me, Kevin!
I almost didn't recognize you.
You look like you're in a rum commercial.
Oh, thanks, yeah!
Vic said this is the hot look the industry wants, so...
[chuckles]
Oh, sorry I wasn't in school yesterday.
Vic's been rehearsing us since Tuesday.
I haven't eaten anything except iguana chow the last few days, but I feel great.
[chuckles]
Kevin, I don't know about this Vic guy.
He's changing everything about you.
Are you really okay with all this?
Why are you coming down on me?
I'm not.
Yes, you are!
You're, like, being all negative about my dreams.
You're just like my dad, except you smell great!
It's because I care about you.
Well, Vic hasn't changed me one bit.
And mark my words, Kevin Murphy's gonna be famous, or my name isn't Maui Mike.
Oh, yeah, Vic told me my new stage name is Maui Mike.
Well, Mike, if you see Kevin, tell him I miss him and his music.
Samantha: That's all for today.
Excellent work, everyone, especially Sue, who very bravely self-leuraged.
Good job, Sue.
Sue, what's wrong?
You were doing a lot of cursing during the serenity exercise.
I'm fine.
[whimpers]
Frank's being such a jerk.
He left on a work trip and hasn't called once.
And it's up to him to call because he's in the wrong.
Aw, Sue.
I'm glad you've learned the most valuable lesson a woman can learn: we do not need men.
Well, I guess it feels that way sometimes.
No, Sue.
We don't need them.
Men are a biological design flaw.
Oh.
And when new technologies provide us with synthetic semen and robots to open fussy pickle jars, what will men have to offer us?
Nothing.
They will be obsolete.
Obsolete?
Wait, no.
No, Frank and I are just in a fight.
You're in a w*r!
Jesus Christ!
I just want Frank to call.
He's my husband.
I love him.
Sue, you sound insane right now!
"And that is why it is important that you always wear a lead apron over your uniform when dealing with X-rays." Jesus Christ, is that true?
I see now that, in future sessions, that should be in the first chapter.
[all gasp]
Okay, we got to do better on this final test tomorrow morning than those alligator f*ckers from Florida.
The one guy kept showing everybody his goiter.
"k*ll Authority"?
Now we're talking.
Frank, I'll catch up with you in a minute.
We got to study for that test!
Yeah, yeah, I know all that sh1t!
g*ns are bad.
Ball aprons are good.
[rock music playing]
Aw, Christ.
If we come back without that certification, the airline's f*cked.
We will study, but not on an empty stomach.
I thought you were on a strict diet.
Clams are the salad of the sea, Frank.
There they are!
Good Vibe Harbor!
You're going on next, right before Government Breeze.
Vic, uh...
are you sure we look cool?
I get where you're at.
You're worried you're about to get so much poon you'll get sick of it and fantasize about f*cking goats or something.
I've been there, buddy.
No, it's...
This song and, like, these outfits...
Uh...
all of a sudden, they don't feel right.
[chuckles]
You're f*cking doing this.
Vic, I'm just saying that this stuff doesn't feel like me.
Shh.
Shh.
[whispers]
Shut your little f*cking mouth, okay?
You want me to cut you?
Because I'll cut your f*cking throat.
This is show business, you little c**t.
No one gives a sh1t how you feel.
This is my last sh*t, and I won't let you f*ck it up.
You're gonna go out there, and you're gonna relax the f*ck out of that crowd, proving once and for all that 30 is the last year of your 20s.
Frank: We're gonna be tested on 179 pages of material tomorrow.
So what if we take it one section at a time?
What if you take it easy and let me order some brain food?
What is this here?
"Clam-ageddon"?
If you eat a hundred clams in ten minutes, you go on our Bottom Feeder Wall of Fame.
Bob: Oh, to be memorialized with all these amazing athletes.
Challenge accepted.
Bob, we have to get ready for tomorrow.
Today's the three-month anniversary of my heart att*ck!
I deserve to live a little!
Now bring those hundred clams.
And two orders of cheesecake.
Aw, Christ.
Rosie, can you help me out here?
Do you have anything in your neighborhood that bothers you?
You mean like the police?
No, I'm saying, do you feel like your elected representative is meeting all your needs?
Mister, are you coming on to me?
[stutters]
Mother what?
Hey, Rosie, about the test.
Not now, Frank.
I'm on a fact-finding mission for my district.
Here's a fact: where are my clams?
[clears throat]
Please report to the security tent if you are either a doctor or a qualified Tilt-A-Whirl operator.
Phillip: Somebody make it stop!
Okay, now I'm told this next band's gonna bring the sunshine!
Taking the stage is Good Vibe Harbor!
[cheering]
Every artist has a choice to make: whether to follow their heart...
or listen to that desperate voice that says, "Sacrifice your integrity by playing songs that mean nothing to you." Well, to that voice, I say...
You can do it, Kevin.
[groans]
Oh, man.
I'm Maui Mike, and we are Good Vibe Harbor.
♪ I'm Mr.
Chilled-Out Guy ♪ ♪ Easy breezy sailing guy ♪ ♪ Catamarans go cruising by ♪ ♪ That's why they call me Mr.
Chilled-Out Guy ♪ This is neither easy nor breezy.
Man: Sure not the Sweatermen!
Pick up your a*!
Vic, what the f*ck is this horse sh1t?
You like it, right?
No!
They're depressing as all f*ck.
And why are they dressed like retired admirals?
It's like I'm at a f*cking Navy funeral.
But I was just giving you what you said you wanted: ocean, boats, Malibus.
It's not about boats.
It's about music that teenagers think they want to hear.
It's a state of mind we put them in so we can sell those kids zit cream and cigarettes.
No one's gonna buy this sh1t.
Okay.
They can sing about anything you want.
What about a dragon on a surfboard?
Hey, is that cool?
Jesus Christ, man, how out of touch can you be?
How out of touch do you want me to be?
Phillip: It's not so much the tilting.
It's the whirling!
♪ Shut up I don't want to hear it ♪ ♪ f*ck your authority I don't want to hear it ♪ You make a good point!
♪ f*ck your authority I don't want to hear it ♪ Crowd: ...53, 54, 55, 56...
Now I am become death, destroyer of clams.
Bob, for f*ck's sake, we have a test tomorrow.
Let's go.
We got to cram!
That's exactly what I'm doing!
f*ck this.
Hey, I want to pay for the one beer I had.
The rest goes on the tab of Moby Dickhead over there.
Crowd: ...71, 74...
Aw, my Sue.
Crowd: ...80, 83...
[phone ringing]
[robotic voice]
Leave a message at the tone.
[beep]
Frank: Sue, uh...
it's me.
[clears throat]
Long time, no talk.
[sighs]
Listen, I just...
I just wanted to say that I need to hear your voice.
Okay?
You always make me feel better.
[sniffles]
Okay?
I'm tore up about my dad.
I hate that the kids are mad at me.
And I miss you.
Bad.
And I...
[phone clicks]
Sue: Frank.
Sue.
Hi.
Um...
How's home?
Everybody's fine.
The bed feels empty without you.
I miss you too.
I...
I...
I don't like being away from you.
The day I met you...
was the best day of my life.
[banging]
Red: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Red!
Red: Hey, Frank, this is Alexa!
I met her at the rock show!
She's staying in the room next to ours!
Alexa: I hope you're calling your wife!
[moans]
Is that a girl's voice?
Are you having a party?
No!
I'm just trying to say that I am so lucky that I get to start every day with you next to me.
Alexa: Give it to me, cowboy!
Red: Don't you tell me what to do!
Hey!
Knock it off!
Frank, what the hell is going on there?
Nothing, nothing.
I'm...
I'm just trying to say that I never want us to have another night...
Make way for the champ!
Sweet merciful Christ!
The dam is about to burst!
Pogo, will you keep it down?
Bob: Warn the folks in the next town, and tell Dolores I love her!
g*dd*mn you, Bob!
[flatulence]
[Bob groaning]
Sue, are you still there?
I am.
Are you?
Honey, I'm so sorry.
This has to happen the moment I call you.
Yeah, well, you had plenty of time to call me sooner.
The other morning, you specifically said, "I am perfectly capable of spending three days on my own without you calling." I am.
But it doesn't feel good having a husband who doesn't call to check in on his wife who's nine months pregnant.
Well, then why did you tell me not to call?
I don't want you to call me because I asked you to call me.
I want you to call me because you want to.
I was thinking about it.
Oh, you thought about it!
And then you thought not to.
I guess you were too busy having fun with your work buddies.
I'm not having fun.
I'm in hell, Sue!
Bob: Why is there smoke?
I mean, do you think I would miss you if I was out here having fun?
You are such a f*cking assh*le.
I am not.
You're just like your father!
You take that back!
Sue: You are exactly like him!
Things got bad here, and you ran off!
And you never admit when you're wrong!
All right, I admit I was wrong to ever f*cking call tonight!
I didn't want you to call!
You were just f*cking yelling at me because I didn't call sooner, you lunatic!
I need a f*cking decoder ring to talk to you!
I'll tell you one thing about work.
There's no mixed messages.
They tell me what to do, I do it, they give me money.
You do the opposite!
Well, here's the opposite of something.
I love you!
I can't wait for you to come home!
[groans]
Attaboy, Frank.
Just keep digging that hole deeper.
Bob: Frank, could I trouble you to ask for more towels?
Maybe not white ones this time.
[Western movie music playing]
Miss Ellie, you're the prettiest gal in this whole Apache m*ssacre.
You're just saying that because I lived.
[sniffles]
It's only a movie, Mom.
[gasps]
Kevin!
It's late.
[sighs]
I can't sleep either.
Were you at a costume party?
Kind of.
Why were you crying?
Your father and I saw this movie when we were dating.
I'll love you forever, Dusty Wagonwheel.
Long ago.
Ah, feeling old, huh?
[exhales]
Yeah, it's pretty scary.
I get it.
Um...
I don't think Alice wants to see me anymore.
Oh, honey, I hope that's not the case.
What did she say?
Well...
she didn't say anything.
She just walked away.
She hung up on me in person.
Well, you can't leave it like that without talking to her.
When you care about somebody, you need to make an effort to work things out.
Yeah, you're right.
That's good advice.
Yeah, I guess it is.
So where's Dad in all this?
That is a very good question.
No, I mean, really, where is he?
I've been at Vic's house for the last four days.
[snoring]
Ed: Frank.
Frank.
Alaquippa Ed?
It's me, Ed, from Alaquippa.
I'm the ground chief...
I know who you are.
I literally just said your f*cking name.
You're up late.
Actually early.
It's 7:30.
Ah, sh1t.
Time for my grapefruit juice.
It helps the blood clot better.
Ed, no offense, but could you f*ck off?
Okay, I mean, Christ, my whole family hates me.
I have a fourth kid on the way.
You want to take a bet how long it takes that little guy to turn on me?
Gee, Frank, with all that going on, I'm surprised you even came to Cleveland.
It's refreshing to see a man show so much enthusiasm for his employer.
Damn right.
Especially one on her dying days.
Dying days?
The hell are you talking about?
You know.
Mrs.
Dunbarton is going to sell Mohican to Alaquippa.
She what?
Oh, my goodness, you didn't know?
Well, sometimes my mouth moves faster than my...
brain.
That son of a bitch.
You f*cking son of a bitch!
They said they'd fix the toilet this morning!
I don't know what you want me to do!
She's selling Mohican to Alaquippa?
Did you know about this?
Oh, you found out.
Oh, I'm so relieved.
Burdened with this terrible secret, I've been guilt-eating this whole trip.
Now I don't have to.
I deserve an honesty squirt.
Tell me.
Tell me right now.
Am I gonna have a job after the sale?
There may be a few redundancies, so we really don't know yet.
What about Rosie, Red, Carl?
The weird grounds crew guy and the other weird grounds crew guy?
Are they redundant?
Jesus Christ, I dedicate myself to this airline, you can't even guarantee my job?
You know what?
Take your f*cking X-ray test yourself, Bob!
Just give me a second to explain.
[gasps]
In ten or 15 minutes.
Oh!
[flatulence]
I think I just passed a pearl!
g*dd*mn flapping-skin f*cking assh*le.
Nobody cares about me.
You give and you give and you give.
This is what I get back?
You know something?
f*ck you all.
I'm doing something for Frank Murphy.
What the f*ck are you looking at?
How do I get to this Bowling Ball Museum?
The number 14 bus stop's right outside.
Thanks.
I'm sorry, ma'am, none of the four men in the honeymoon suite are answering the phone.
May I take a message?
Can you tell him his wife called?
And, um, tell him I don't like how we ended things last night.
I'm angry, but...
"Still love him.
Want to talk this out." Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
"Oh, God.
You think your water just broke." Uh-huh.
How do you spell "mucus plug"?
M-U-C-U...
Hmm.
No "K," huh?
Hmm.
"Please stop interrupting me and just give him the g*dd*mn message.
I am going to hang up now so I can go give birth." I can't spell that, so I'll just write, "Bloodcurdling scream.
Water sounds on... " [whirring]
[g*nsh*t]