05x01 - The Stages of (Breakup) Grief

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You Me Her". Aired March 2016 - June 2020.*
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"You Me Her" centers on the complex dealings and interactions of a group of individuals involved in a three-way relationship including a suburban married couple.
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05x01 - The Stages of (Breakup) Grief

Post by bunniefuu »

Last season on "You Me Her"...

I'm having what?

They're twins.

Normal human girls.

I saw on your computer that you were researching tri-custody.

Well, that's what you want.

Isn't it, babe?

The three of us to be equal parents.

If you could be any part of your couple's home, what would you be and why?

You're the door, opening up our lives in the most spectacular and surprising ways.

Behold, my door, b*tches...

Both: HOA violation.

f*ck Lala!

So Dada and I had alone time, and that's completely natural.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

You like telling people what to do.

Why not do that right here?

You actually named the bar "Therapy?" I actually did.

Read the inscription.

"You will always hold the key." You make me better, Nina.

Are you kidding me with that incredible book idea?

I am confident the second book is at the bottom of this glass of rosé.

I can feel it.

Do you want to see other people?

How about we just cut the bullshit, and let's just admit that we're never leaving Stepford, and I'm never having my own kids.

If this isn't what you want, then why didn't you just say something?

You're really doing it.

Going to the border, helping all those kids.

It's amazing.

What the hell do you think you're doing, showing up like this?

I spoke to the IRC supervisor down in Norte Mesa.

She said to bring you along.

So we're just gonna make a run for the border when I'm supposed to be signing the papers?

[Soft music]

I can't do this.

♪ ♪ [Sharp inhale]

[Sirens wailing distantly]

[Dog barking]

[Lock clicks]

[Door creaks]

[door slams shut]

Jack.

Did you hear that?

Mm-mm.

[Tense music]

♪ ♪ [Door slams shut]

[Gasps]

What's happening?

Shh, I think there's someone in the apartment.

[Stifled gasp]

[Glass breaks]

♪ ♪ What do we do?

Oh, my God, the girls.

[Door creaks]

Get something.

Where do you keep your golf clubs?

Uh, newsflash: I retired from the tour.

Seriously, what?

Well, what about a baseball bat?

You play baseball?

No, I have no blunt objects.

Well, I don't know...

I have nothing!

It's not like I asked you if you played jai alai.

[Tense music intensifies]

♪ ♪ [Door creaks]

I'm back.

How did you get in?

Don't overthink it.

You can't just barge in like you still live here.

Hear me out, please.

This, you, Hawthorne, the twins.

All of it.

It's what I want.

It took leaving to figure it out.

You look amazing.

Ow!

So do you.

You think I'm pretty?

You think I'm pretty.

I know it.

[Tense music]

♪ ♪ Hey, assh*le!

[Gasps]

Ow!

[Screams]

[Babies crying]

[Heavy breathing]

Same dream?

[Sighs]

It's my turn.

[Babies crying]

[Soft music]

♪ ♪ [Groans]

Ow!

Just so it doesn't go unsaid, who throws a cactus at someone?

Oh, you're lucky I don't bowl.

Oh, God.

Ow.

Well, you're back.

I am.

Aww.

Oh, I missed you.

I missed you so much.

Aw, yay!

Not that I'm complaining, but why so suddenly?

Well, they offered me a permanent caseworker gig, but I'm just taking a breath before I decide.

Cool, cool, cool.

So what's it like down there?

So what's it like down there?

Sad.

Is this thing on?

I mean, mostly sad with very small glimmers of hope.

But I love those kids so much.

There's this little...

this little guy.

His name is Leo.

I've come so close to just smuggling him in my suitcase.

Aww.

Hey, how about we move this party to the...

Have him shipped up.

Let's raise him together.

Done.

Right.

I'm a tangible being, right?

You see me?

Anyone?

Iz?

Oh, hey, Shaun.

Good morning.

Hey.

Your dad must be excited to see you, huh?

Maybe you want to go see him...

Oh, my God, that reminds me.

Can I please crash here for a few days?

No way I'm staying at Lala's.

Okay.

Where my father sleeps, by the way, with her.

As long as you need.

As long as you need.

Thank you.

How long do you need, though?

I don't know.

And why I'm asking is just because I don't know if Nina's told you, but it's not official, but I'm kind of living here right now...

Okay, Shaun, since you're clearly in need of something to do, how about some coffee?

Ooh, yeah, I call the cup that we all pretend isn't a beer stein.

Mugsy, that's my mug.

Um, why don't I just make you some omelets, too...

Both: Yes!

No.

That's not things I want to do.

Yes.

Thank you.

Bye.

Oh, my God, I missed you so much.

[Coos]

Now...

later...

now.

There you go.

Much later.

Ooh, I'm gonna pretend like I never saw this one, okay?

If anybody asks.

I seriously need a job.

Who are you meeting today?

Some chick named Dani Monro.

What?

Yeah.

I'm having a hard time getting some traction.

That's bullshit.

Just because you have babies now?

Yeah, well, also, it's a small market.

Only a few serious firms.

Been out of the game for eight months.

Literally walked away from my last two jobs.

Right, that.

It feels like we've been fanning away that big cloud of crazy that's been enveloping us this past year, right?

Yeah, well, at least we came out of it with these two goofballs.

Yay.

And we veered off a little.

A little?

Okay, maybe a lot.

Like, we went out for groceries and ended up on a flight to Peru.

We took the long way, but we did it.

We made it.

The plan is back on track.

Us, the Amaris, and Hawthorne Heights forever.

Beautiful house, check.

Beautiful babies, check, check.

Weird-but-lovable neighbors, check.

Metaphorical Peru can suck it.

Hmm, and don't worry.

I'll figure out all this money situation, okay?

I've got three piles here.

And if we ever get more than three consecutive hours of sleep, I will destroy you.

Ooh.

[Grunts]

Oh, I think she's having diarrhea.

Which one?

How can you tell...

This one.

I can feel it in my hand; it's really warm.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Jesus, they both smell like sh1t.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪ Hm.

Hey.

Not to be a d*ck.

Hm?

This should be good.

Uh, maybe you want to clean up your little area a bit?

Oh, is this my area now?

It sure seems that way, doesn't it?

[Giggles]

[Giggles mockingly]

Okay.

Ow!

No, I didn't touch her.

No, it's my back.

Oh, babe, what happened to your back?

Well, remember that kid I was telling you about?

Leo?

I was assigned to a group home, and he came in.

He was the youngest one.

He was orphaned, and he was an unaccompanied minor.

And he'd been bullied, so...

he wasn't talking very much to begin with.

And then, he just stopped talking altogether.

But it took him a while, and finally, he started trusting me, and then that was it.

He would only talk to me, and he made me swear that I would stay with him until he fell asleep.

That's so sweet.

I miss him.

Wait, right, the...

the point.

I messed up my back from sleeping on the floor.

Shaun, you're on the couch.

What?

No.

Do you not care about those kids?

That doesn't even make any sense.

You know what, I can't.

He lives here.

"Lives here." I mean, he's more, like, you know, in between apartments.

Whee!

Later, tater.

Bring home the bacon.

[Phone rings]

[Grunts]

Hey, Dad.

There's my girl.

I'm back.

I got in so late last night.

[Phone rings]

Hello?

There he is.

Here I am, answering my phone because it rang.

It's Lala.

From down the block?

Oh, that Lala.

You're back?

Well, that's fantastic.

It's perfect timing, because we're throwing a thing tonight!

It's a surprise.

Wear comfy clothes.

Uh, jammies or yoga pants, because who can pitch a hissy in yoga pants, right?

Why would anybody...

What kind of thing are we talking about?

First, have you spoken with the Trakarskys yet?

Um, no, why?

Izzy's back?

Since when?

Since last night.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, rewind.

You're hanging out with my exes now?

I wouldn't say "hanging." Us, them, the Amaris, Marty and Will.

Some might call use the A-team around here.

Although, I reject any notion of a neighborhood hierarchy.

Mm-hmm.

But you'll be okay, right?

Seeing them again?

Sweetie, peanut, honestly, if you don't feel comfortable...

Please hold.

[Quirky music]

You know what?

You know what, Dad?

I am so ready.

What?

No, I mean, it...

it...

it'll be fine.

Obviously, we're fine.

And I'm sure she's fine.

So everything will be fine.

You know why?

Because this last...

these last six months on the border have really put things into perspective for me.

You know, I went and did something super meaningful with my life, and they painted over my door to erase me from existence, so...

we all have our ways of moving on, you see.

She's upset about the door.

The door.

I approved it.

It was their choice.

What door?

Our door?

Dad, I'm not upset about the...

So is...

um...

so this thing, is it all couples, or?

Yeah, yeah, except for you.

Oh.

Would you do me a favor and invite Shaun and Nina for me, will you?

For sure.

Hey, it's the maintenance for the...

for the...

for the...

for the...

for the gas leak, so...

You do sound a little strange.

I've got to go, bye.

6:00...

See you then.

[Phone beeps]

[Both exhale]

I'm not 100% sure we thought that all the way through.

Oh, boy.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪ Hey.

So we're going to a thing tonight at Ben and Lala's.

She's back.

Yep.

We'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

[Soft music]

That's what I said.

A lot.

♪ ♪ Bagel?

Orange?

Pickle?

Pickle?

Yeah, we always knew it was gonna be pickle.

Could have put money on it.

[Imitates airplane]

Morning, angels.

Really good work.

Brother dearest.

Good morning, Sofa.

Hey, do you remember that?

When I used to call you Sofa instead of Sophie for, like, that whole year you were laid up on the couch?

And then we figured out it was an adrenal issue of some sort?

So this is, uh, a lot.

Uh, yeah, it's a bit of chaos right now.

It's not normally like this.

That's a lie.

I don't know why I'm saying that.

Probably because I feel guilty because you came here to visit and now...

you're now our au pair, essentially.

Seriously, it's win-win.

I miss it.

I'm really glad you're here.

Like, if you were somewhere else, I would have come and got you.

Thanks.

Honestly, I was not expecting all of this.

I mean, holy sh1t!

Carmen's meeting with Hollywood movie moguls who want to buy our socially conscious bird books.

Oh, and I just remembered something.

I'm...

Both: Freaking rich!

[Rhythmic grunting]

Oh, yeah.

Do you guys know what being rich is?

Can you say "entitlement"?

Entitlement.

[Laughs]

[Exhales]

You know what, Dave?

Seriously, this is so good for me.

I mean, Mira's off Jet-Skiing in Missouri, and Jeff's...

gone.

No longer with us?

Passed away?

God, you know what?

They all suck.

It's just, "dead" feels so cold, you know?

So final.

Which I guess it is, so.

Come here.

[Exhales]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[Soft music]

♪ ♪ This brings back all the best memories.

You know we always said we wanted five?

We'd never do it, but...

Five, really?

Five?

[Shudders]

I mean, Jack and Emma just had a couple new ones.

If you want to smell the top of their heads or something, you can probably do that.

Can't wait.

Yeah.

Oh, speaking of the Trakarskys, we got our story straight on that whole thing, right?

Yeah, tell the Trakarskys that you sold the film and television rights to your book series.

So now you sleep on piles of money and bathe only in melted icecap water.

Close, but, you know.

Fine.

As far as anyone's concerned, Carmen is visiting her brother in Boise.

Boring.

Okay, look, Jack and Emma are going through a bit of a tough time right now.

So we're gonna wait until we dump our amazing news on them.

And speaking of amazing...

[Dramatic vocalization]

Yeah.

I mean...

Huh, how cool are these?

.. who doesn't love binoculars?

They are so cool.

They're favored by birdwatchers, so...

Excuse me.

Enough said.

Excuse me, these are CIA grade, ultra zoom, 5K...

they have 5K now...

Bluetooth, underwater specs.

Get out.

Press the button on the top there.

[Binoculars whirring]

Yeah, they whir.

Wow.

Yeah.

Don't tell Carmen, by the way.

I'm not supposed to have any new toys until she comes back, so.

Ooh, boy.

What?

Is that still...

oh, come on.

The snitching thing?

You can't just keep a little secret?

Sensitive information flows through me like kale.

Ew.

Okay.

I will not tell Carmen.

I will not tell Carmen.

I will not...

[Knocking]

[Stammering]

Come in.

Hi.

I know your dirty little secret, Amari.

You're rich.

She told you already?

Oh, I don't even know who that is.

Yeah.

That's never stopped her before.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪ Hey.

Hi.

You heard?


Heard what?

sh1t, uh...

Come in.

What's wrong?

You're freaking me out.

What happened?

What happened?

Uh, it's...

it's Leo.

They can't find him.

What do you mean?

Well, the transfer you wanted to a smaller group home finally got approved.

But when I asked for the contact information...

Are you serious?

Yeah, look, don't freak out.

Look, this bullshit happens all the time.

It'll get sorted in a few days.

I promised him that I'd call.

[Sighs]

Iz...

Hey, I'm so sorry, Iz.

You were really great down there.

[Sniffs]

Thanks.

So were you.

Thanks.

Wait.

If you didn't come because you heard about Leo, then...

Oh.

It seems really f*cking stupid now, but...

[Inhales]

Okay, um...

my dad and Lala are having a very sudden party thing, and it's all couples.

Oh.

Including the Trakarskys.

Oh, boy.

As a couple, they have a built-in buddy system for life's more...

soul-crushing moments, like seeing your ex for the first time, or...

well, I guess just that one.

So, what, you want to pretend we're a couple to show how devastated you aren't?

No, because that's..

that's immature.

Right.

But we could leave it up to each individual's imagination.

Right, because how could that possibly get weird?

Okay.

I know that you have nursed me through a boggling array of emotions over these last few months.

Like, I miss them; I hate them; they put me in a box, blah, blah, blah.

But in the end, we did the right thing.

So prepare yourself for a totally boring encounter.

Please.

[Groans]

Fine.

Thank you.

You're the best.

You're welcome.

Okay, I'll pick your ass up later.

All right.

Oh, boy.

Stop saying that.

I didn't say...

Oh, boy.

I don't know where you're getting your Intel, but let me tell you, we are far from rich.

This coffee is extraordinary and familiar.

See, Will is a bit of a coffee snob.

Actually, it's more than a bit.

It's to the point that it's off-putting and I have to apologize a lot.

It's monkey poop coffee.

Ah, you mean Kopi Luwak.

Well, yeah, see, the monkeys...

Civets.

They climb up into the trees and grab the beans no one else can reach, and then...

Kopi Luwak is 200 bucks for half a pound.

Most expensive coffee in the world.

What?

Carmen, jeez.

Well, there's that, and your $3,000 Mossad-grade binoculars on the counter.

I mean, I know that because I have a past, David.

I'm kidding.

Am I?

Word on the street is you've been looking at a lot of pricey houses lately.

[Quirky music]

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have signed my name!

What was I supposed to do?

They were giving away free champagne and donuts.

What is it you want from us?

Well, it's not what you can do for me, David.

[Percussive music]

♪ ♪ [Bell jingles]

Well, well, well.

Look who came crawling back.

Oh, please, you practically begged me to come and hear your pitch.

Oh, right, my pitch.

Here it goes.

You're f*cked nine ways to Sunday, homegirl.

And the only person who can un-f*ck you is me.

Okay, well, that is lovely.

Though I don't know why I expected to hear anything else.

Well, first of all, you're a dipshit.

Okay.

Wait.

You did most of it yourself: walking out of two jobs with zero notice, turning your personal life into a sideshow, giving birth to a big pack of kids.

They're twins.

That literally means "two." But I confess to giving you that one last nudge over the career cliff.

[Descending whistle]

Splat.

I'm being choosy.

I'm just weighing my options.

Oh, from whom?

Don't lie, because I already know the answer.

If you hate me so much, why the hell do you want me back so bad?

I don't hate you or love you or care about you on any level...

aside from your talent, which is formidable.

[Text message whooshes]

[Phone buzzes]

Did you just text me?

Oh, my God.

Okay.

How's this suit you?

Whoa, that's, um...

that's...

that's not bad.

Oh, I'll make you eat sh1t in other ways.

For instance, which job title do you hate the most?

Toilet Wench or Coffee Bitch?

Please tell me you're joking.

Gotta put something on your office door after we get of the cleaning products and the asbestos.

Mm, tough one, huh?

Take some time.

Shall we say dawn, like an execution?

Clever.

You're telling me that we have a full Zillow offer on our house?

Okay, I do not know what that means, but I am very excited.

It means that the valuation of your house is bloated, but my buyers give zero sh1ts.

No signs, no hand-wringing, pre-approved.

No way for your drain-circling besties to know what's happening till the moving trucks pull up.

And you two can get serious about those dream homes.

Curious, got a favorite?

Maybe put a pin in that just for a second.

Let me ask you, have you heard tell of any kind of agreement between the Trakarskys and us?

Something called "The Plan"?

Well, this should be stupid.

Will.

We made a deal a long time ago to never leave Hawthorne Heights and stay here and raise our kids here forever and ever.

Okay, so beyond stupid.

Like, moronic.

And it's in writing because alcohol happened, and the only thing I can remember is singing along to this Carole King song about how no one stays in one place anymore.

Oh, dear God, please say there's video.

[Funky percussive music]

♪ ♪ Gentlemen, a little tea.

Mm-hmm, yummy.

Oh, wait.

Okay.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

Just a tiny bit, thank you.

Just a titch, just a titch.

Baby.

Baby.

You get more.

I know your sweet spot.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey.

Thank you.

I think you're gonna like that.

And you.

Perfect.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

Give me one of these.

[Smooches]

Sure.

Yeah.

You're gonna love this.

Is there alcohol in it?

No.

No, okay.

Mm.

[Both spitting]

You okay?

I thought I was.

Yeah, same.

It went down the way it had to, right?

Definitely.

So you ready?

Ready.

[Slurping, spitting]

Yeah, uh, hot dog water with a dash of cat piss.

Yeah, with bottom notes of "this is lame" and "I don't know what the f*ck's going on." It's actually the herbal tea we all drank before the ceremony in Sedona.

Okay, it tastes like ass, but wait until Mr.

Feelgood shows up.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Let's get Zen, people!

Uh...

Uh.

[Gate clatters]

Iz, you should breathe.

Both: Hey!

[Nervous laughter]

[Quirky music]

[Laughing]

Laughter, the best medicine!

I'd ask why we're laughing, but do we need a reason?

So you're back.

I am.

Yeah, you are.

You are so back.

Well, I was there.

And now...

I'm here.

So...

Yeah.

No turning back now.

They've entered the stages of break-up grief.

Which are?

Denial, anger, and acceptance.

So familiar.

♪ ♪ Anyway...

That's well said.

That's what I was gonna say.

Not one syllable of this exchange has made sense so far.

Well, to be continumanado.

That's Spanish.

It is not.

So you guys are on, like, a buddy date?

Yeah.

Venturing deep in the 'burbs so she doesn't have to go solo.

[Laughs]

Oh, you're such a good friend, Nathan.

♪ ♪ Well, Izzy and I are no longer just friends.

We are now romantically involved.

So yay, that!

I thought we weren't gonna say that.

Right.

Anyway, that's...

Both: Congratulations.

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, come here.

Wow, are they gonna hug?

Is that what's happening?

[Sighs]

[Raspberries]

Uh, okay, everybody, attentionado.

All right, um, Ben and Lala want to get started.

Um, well, honestly...

We could use another ten minutes...

Now.

Everybody gather 'round.

Right now!

[Peaceful sitar music]

♪ ♪ Ah, welcome, everybody, to a re-enactment of the Compromiso Ceremonia we did in the desert outside Sedona late last night.

See, that's Spanish.

Wait, did you just say "engagement ceremony?" Yeah.

What the f*ck?

Should we run?

I feel like we should run.

♪ Runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin' ♪

♪ Runnin', runnin', runnin' ♪

♪ Ooh, bitch, I runnin', runnin', runnin' ♪

♪ Runnin', runnin', ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, call it, haul it, haul it ♪

♪ I'm committed ♪

♪ I'm committing, yeah ♪

♪ Since we started, started ♪

♪ I'm gonna get it ♪

♪ Yes, I'm with it ♪

♪ Ain't no runnin', runnin', runnin' ♪

♪ Runnin', runnin', runnin', ooh ♪

♪ Bitch, I runnin', runnin', runnin' ♪

♪ Runnin', runnin', runnin', ooh ♪

♪ Yo ♪ [Funky music]

♪ ♪ [Intense tones]

[Whooshing]

[Musical flourish]

♪ ♪
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