05x06 - Break It Like You Mean It

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

I came back for you.

Our life is still here.

Can I stay?

I'm not ready to say good-bye.

It's very obvious that we still care about each other.

What happens at the Angelina stays at the Angelina.

No one would ever understand.

You f*cking did what?

Why?

You know?

It's like, everything we'd gone through had been leading to that exact moment.

Something has changed.

Oh, really?

What?

I don't know.

Is this job at the border even real or is it a thr*at?

Like, tick-tock, time's up.

Of course it's real.

Tell Dave my buyers are definitely making an offer on a house today.

This one or another.

Now nobody's crying, not even me.

I guess we're happy.

Holy sh1t.

What?

Look.

[Light, percussive music]

♪ ♪ The girls are down.

Nina, what are you doing?

Oh, this?

Yeah, that.

Uh, I'm putting your house for sale.

See?

What, do I need a bigger sign?

We are not selling our house, right?

Honey, if we ever decide to sell our house, I promise to consult you first.

Okay, listen, we're gonna need you to literally get off our lawn, okay?

And take your stupid mallet with you.

Do you actually own a mallet, or did you just buy this for the occasion?

Hmm, nah, it was in the garage where I found the sign, but in plain view like Will wanted me to have it, so...

Nina, seriously, why are you doing this?

Oh, this exquisite little piece of performance art?

I'm doing it because you jerks rekindled the flame last night, huh?

Huh?

Okay.

You know, can you put that down?

No one needs to get hammered.

To, like, at least to waist level.

Fine, for now.

Talk.

Okay.

Fine.

We saw Izzy, which frankly, is none of your business.

[Scoffs]

Babe, we really need to recalibrate our ocular communication Izzy is a grown-ass woman.

She chose to come to the hotel, and how is that Nina's business?

How?

Oh, my God.

It's not.

That's how.

It's not of her business.

Now you're doubling down?

Yeah.

It's not her...

it's not her business.

Jeez, I would have preferred just smiling and nodding until we got to the other side of that door, away from that f*cking mallet.

Well, I know.

I hope this little lawn party isn't unsanctioned.

I'll have to narc you out to Lala.

[Chuckles]

Um, okay, well, look at that.

You...

you guys are moving?

What happened?

No, we're not moving and nothing happened.

Ben, Mr.

Izzy's Dad, look.

The last thing I wanna do is reveal secrets of your daughter's s*x life, so let's just say that she had some with them.

No, no, no.

No, no...

Absolutely did not.

.. we did not have...

No s*x.

I understand why you would think that, but it was more just...

Both: Snuggling.

It was nice, but weird.

The cuddle puddle.

She came to your hotel?

Yes, that's...

yes, she did.

Yeah, that...

that...

that happened.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

So...

uh, so...

so, what does that mean?

You guys are getting back together?

Wait, how does that work?

She's heading back to Otay Mesa on Monday, right?

Well, apparently, now she's taking a minute.

Wait, what?

Did she say that to you?

Tell us exactly what she said.

So, you three pretty much get together and your brains just kind of melt and drain out of your various passageways, huh?

That's not entirely inaccurate.

Wait, seriously, she said she was taking a minute?

Oh, my God, I can't with you people.

Wha...

what happened, exactly?

Ooh, I don't know, man, you know, with you being her dad and all.

Look, suffice it to say no s*x was had, okay?

No!

Okay, no more sufficing.

The...

the days of you dragging my girl across broken glass and dog sh1t are done.

Oh, hey, look.

Uh, look, this is just the old for sale sign in the lawn prank.

We're gonna go in now and have our Sunday coffee cake.

Delicious.

Just...

can we?

Can we?

Yeah, can we take this inside?

Nothing to gawk at.

Hey, look.

Sorry.

This is not gonna be for the faint of heart, so let me handle it.

You know what?

I don't wanna know.

I don't understand.

Some douchebag couple is looking at the house.

You said it was an emergency.

Jeez, I figured the place was burning down.

Uh, let's take a moment.

You seriously think if this house was burning, I'd text you?

Like you're the only one that can save Crapboard Manor?

Okay.

Is this what happens to guys like you when you take a big swing and finally make contact?

I don't know...

Babe.

Yeah?

Babe.

What?

Babe.

What?

You like it?

It's okay.

You wanna buy it?

Yeah, whatever.

Excuse me.

Babe.

Yeah, what?

I think that guy's trying to talk to you.

'Sup?

It's lovely to see you again.

Curious, is that your tricked out SUV out front?

Oh, yeah, bunch of horses, 0-to-60 in half a seccy.

Spanish gray.

Super gorge.

Spanish gray is so two years ago.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's 2018 calling.

They want their SUV back.

What'd he say?

He said that?

[Laughs]

It's a joke.

k*lling at jokes, babe.

Wow.

No, no, no.

There's no way.

[Door opens, closes]

Crapboard House would spit them back out.

Oh, if I recall correctly, they plan to "fix that." Okay, okay, easy now.

Breathing is good.

Yeah.

So no fire or flood, just all your hopes and dreams slipping through your ineffectual little fingers yet again.

The bell of opportunity left sadly still, silent, un-rung.

[Snorts]

So stupid.

You should feel free to wander off.

You can feel free to blow me.

Okay, for the record, we seriously didn't know that Izzy was just taking a break.

Huh, yeah, right.

Wha...

no, it...

it's true.

We just...

you know, we agreed not to make any snap decisions.

We were taking a b*at, washing it around.

Right.

Take a b*at.

Take a minute.

I'm sorry, I'm really failing to see the difference here.

I'm not gonna sit back and watch you guys destroy her again.

Well, we are not selling our house.

Yeah, this is our home.

Yeah.

Our life.

Then it's time.

[Tense music]

♪ ♪ Right now, that objectively horrible couple is out there getting preapproved for their loan, and we have roughly eight minutes before they come in and make the offer.

Once that happens, I'll have no choice but to present it to the owners, and they will accept it.

Dave, Dave, come on now.

Don't let this manipulative sass-bag...

"Sass-bag"?

Is that how it's gonna be when we're neighbors?

It is, yeah.

Cool.

No, there is no way that those outlet mall mannequins will live in my house as God as my witness.

Mm, okay, let's just not, all right?

But it's not your house, is it, Dave?

And you only have seven more minutes of playing make-believe till they come in and install one of those gauche little pools that throw waves in your face for reasons I'll never understand.

They also want to expand the garage for his collection of off-road vehicles and Jet Skis.

I already drew up your offer.

Shall we?

Okay, I know you don't really wanna hear this, Nina, but this is really none of your business.

Okay, once again, for the hard of hearing, it is absolutely my f*cking business.

When the EJI universe goes thermonuclear again, which inevitably will, I'm gonna be the one sifting through the ionized radiation for the subatomic particles of what was once young Isabelle Silva.

Yes, okay, I dated a nuclear physicist.

He was more like a client, but still, I learned a little.

We can't keep hurting her.

Then you need to end it.

For starters, you're not going to the wedding.

And here's the tough part.

You need to hit her hard.

We don't have to hit her hard.

We don't have to be mean about it.

Remember when Shrek tells Donkey that he's useless, annoying, and pathetic to get him to leave?

It's gotta be like that, but way worse.

[Somber music]

♪ ♪ Honestly, we're super tight on time.

If you wanna skip the dramatic tension or at least, like, condense it, like, a quick, "This is hard," and then...

so...

What did Carm say?

Most recently?

Uh, "Love you, bye." Like, specific to the house.

Okay, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm a little, uh...

frazzled.

She said I should go for it.

I did mention they hate the clapboards, right?

Referred to it as "janky." It's complicated, right?

Exciting and scary.

I'm so happy I could be here for you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Who's finally going on that "Designing Women" reunion cruise?

[Exhales]

This guy.

Thank you and you and everybody else who believed in me.

Ha.

Ah, where you going?

Get away from the window.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

[Message whooshes]

[Cell phone clicking]

Yeah, you better leave.

[Chuckles]

[Engine turns over]

They're leaving.

Right after Dame Judi Dench here sent a text.

[Cell phone clicking]

[Curious music]

♪ ♪ Oh, my God.

What?

They did just seem so perfectly douchey, didn't they?

[Cell phone clicking]

Will.

Uh, just a sec.

Just mass texting a big "f*ck you" to all my treasured real estate brothers and sisters.

[Message whooshes]

Okay, so, what now?

Are those people real, the other buyers?

They are actual human beings, yes.

Will, look at me.

Not over my shoulder, look at me.

[Clears throat]

Were the Duke and Duchess of Doucheville actually interested in buying this house or was this all a choreographed song and dance?

[Wheezy laugh]

Yeah, yes.

It was me.

I did that.

[Scoffs]

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪ Oh, okay.

So, I see you went to the same college, though.

Don't they dissuade people from doing that?

Hmm.

So this is your new demo, day-drinking models?

Jesus, what's for lunch, cocaine and cigarettes?

Oh, that's not good.

And you are?

Oh, I'm his partner.

Yeah, bar's named after me.

Yeah, but then she quit, so...

Couldn't get past your first name without a typo?

"Brithan-eye"?

Actually, it's pronounced "Brittany." Oh.

Ooh, but why?

Well, it was Brittany with a Y, but then I got my master's, changed it to I.

You know, heeded the call, "empowerment." [Laughs]

Did any of that make any...

I added the H after I got my P h D.

Oh, there's more.

Between us shrinks, I'm just trying to escape from being a basic-ass-Brittany from Idaho Falls, you know?

Idaho Falls.

Okay.

So, this is your replacement therapist, hmm?

Oh, no, they're all therapists, yeah.

Uh, Ivy League, most of them, strangely enough.

Shut the f*ck up.

So, are we done here or...

Oh, no, the name thing is disqualifying.

Sorry, I thought I made that clear.

So, bye, Brith-ani.

No, don't listen to her.

Brithani, she has no sway in this matter.

Yeah, but she scares me...

a lot.

I'm just gonna go.

Thank you.

[Chuckles]

Thank you for that.

Well, she's an idiot.

She's a PhD.

So, she's an educated idiot.

And look, I don't believe for one second that all of these gorgeous airheads...

Please raise your hands if you're a PhD.

Oh, what do we got here?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

Okay, look, they can all easily be lying...

What, lying?

No, vetted, PhDs, every one.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Oh.

What?

Just talk.

I'm actually an MD, a psychiatrist, so...

I said shut up.

Um, you said, "Just talk," so...

I changed my mind.

[Indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪ Her issues got issues.

Am I right, Doctors?

[Laughter]

I can hear you.

Uh, that's fine.

Whatever.

♪ If you run the race ♪ ♪ Can you feel it?

♪ ♪ That something's gonna change now ♪ ♪ You can make it ♪ Honey?

Hi, it's me, your husband.

Uh, we did it.

The Crapboard House is ours!

[Laughs]

Yeah, I know!

The Crapboard House is ours.

The Crapboard House is...

[Thuds]

Ow!

Okay, ow.

Uh, yeah, no, I know.

I know, it's amazing.

Um...

oh, Soph's been great.

She's been
doing the lion's share of the housework.

She lets me sleep in.

She's laughing at all my jokes.

She's ceded total control of the remote, and actually, she's been saying that you should do all those same things when you get back here.

No, obviously, she didn't say any of that stuff.

Hey, honey.

Hi, honey.

Hi, I miss you.

I want you to come home, okay, to our new home.

I love you so much.

I love you as much as our new home at the least.

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, and I came up with a brilliant way to tell Jack and Emma about all this and have them not get upset.

Oh...

ye...

Yeah, okay, you want me to go for it.

That's...

yeah, great.

Cool.

Thank you for the encouragement, sweetheart.

Now, I should prob...

get...

becau...

Laun...

dry...

babies.

Bye, honey.

[Quirky music]

♪ ♪ I mean, I'm not particularly proud of myself right now.

It seems like the best time to reveal that your Portland children's author paparazzi are me and Marty's best couple friends, the buyers for your house.

Excuse me, what?

How is this the best time?

Uh, 'cause I'm leaving now.

♪ ♪ Diabolical.

My future best friend.

That specimen?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

[Bright music]

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ So...

So...

In spite of our efforts, we f*cked up.

Well, we can't seem to help ourselves when it comes to Izzy.

I just...

I kind of feel like the world's swirling around us, you know.

Like it's this huge f*cking hurricane, and when it settles, nothing's gonna be the same.

Should it stay the same?

I mean, the world, our lives, us.

What if this is about us?

It's not about Izzy, and we just invited her into this burning house?

Okay, are we gonna do this?

Because if so, it's gonna break EJI into so many pieces, we're not gonna be able to put it back together again.

I know.

I love you.

I love you too.

We can be enough.

Yeah.

I know it.

Yeah.

This is the right thing.

It really is.

You ready?

No.

Okay.

Yes.

We're doing it anyway.

[Moody music]

♪ Yeah ♪ Hey.

♪ Looking into daydreams ♪ ♪ But I can't find you ♪ ♪ Giving up my days ♪ ♪ For your indecisive news ♪ ♪ ♪ Hey, you got a sec?

Mm, talk fast.

I'm "vorking." At a bar?

Well, I'm at the bar, but I don't actually work here anymore.

Weird.

I'm planning "Mala's" woodsy wedding.

Get it?

"Mala," it's like Lala, but she's your mom now, so "Mala." No, she's not, and I wouldn't call her that at gunpoint.

Oh, give it time.

Uh, so, how can I make sense of your existence this time?

I'm outside of a bar.

Okay, that's easy.

Go inside, commence drinking.

Jack and Emma are there...

inside.

Oh.

"Oh"?

Why "oh"?

Uh, sorry, I meant, um, so?

So...

I think they're gonna propose getting back together.

Uh, well, what...

what about, um...

Leo?

Exactly, well, all the kids including the ones I haven't met yet.

I'm going back.

I have to.

I want to.

Okay, great.

So, why not open with that?

I wanna make it work with them.

But it doesn't, Iz.

Do you hear me?

On so many levels, it just does not work, okay?

Just...

look, after my wedding, you're just gonna get that tight little ass...

[Disconnecting beep]

Iz?

Hello?

[Cell phone beeps]

[Exhales deeply]

Who the hell do I think I am?

The voice of reason, me?

Do you wanna know why I really hated being a therapist?

Because I couldn't stop thinking how...

how criminally idiotic it is for me to be advising anybody on anything ever.

♪ Oh, oh ♪ When do you think you'll be able to walk around without that crutch, huh?

What?

This whole, "I'm hot mess Nina" thing, like it's your Get out of Jail Free card.

No, because you're really not that person anymore, are you?

I mean, until it's convenient.

You follow me?

Okay, look, you don't wanna be a therapist, great.

You don't wanna do this whole bar thing with me, fine.

I get it.

Oh, do you, Shaun?

Do you really?

Please, don't do that.

Don't give me the "I'm Shaun, the f*cking bartender, and I should keep my half-baked wisdom for drunks who don't remember it," 'cause you are at a serious f*cking crossroads.

It's time to get real.

Stop hiding behind this hot mess Nina and make that turn into the rest of your life.

Own it.

[Solemn music]

And I am not just talking about your career.

♪ ♪ Hm.

You're in over your head, sport.

[Moody music continues]

♪ Change up and tell me when you're coming, baby ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Taking what you got like it's better ♪ Shaun.

♪ Isn't that the point of why we're feeling fake as ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪ Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

[Soft pop music playing over speakers]

♪ Now I see ♪ ♪ And truth ♪ [Sighs]

Well, thank you all for meeting me here today.

We called you, remember?

No, I know.

I just always wanted to say that like a boss m*therf*cker.

[Clears throat]

I'll go first.

Obviously, we have some logistical challenges that we need to work through.

Iz...

I...

I have a theory.

Things work out when you work them out.

You have to commit to...

Iz.

What?

What...

what is it?

What's wrong with you two?

We...

Just spit it out.

Uh...

We're done...

for good.

We can't see you anymore.

Iz, you need to...

Don't f*cking tell me what I need to do.

At least that much is up to me.

[Tense music]

Well, what we're gonna do is stay away from Ben and Lala's wedding...

Yeah.

So we can move on with our lives.

♪ ♪ And we need you to respect that.

You need me to respect that?

♪ ♪ You guys want some respect?

♪ ♪ I walked in here with a plan to tell you that I'm going back to Otay Mesa on Monday and beyond that, I thought we could talk about it and discuss it like three adults who f*cking love each other.

But I guess you guys decided on another approach.

Uh...

we decided that...

Of course you did.

Jack and Emma deciding what's best for the three of us again.

♪ ♪ But I guess that's the most fitting end of all, isn't it?

You guys telling me how it's gonna be.

♪ ♪ f*cking say something.

Uh, we're grateful for the year we had together and for everything it did for our marriage, but we don't...

uh...

we don't...

We don't love you...

Yeah.

Anymore.

[Exhales deeply]

And we think you deserve to be...

f*ck you.

♪ ♪ You don't get to tell me what I deserve.

[Soft pop music continues]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ How can I speak?

♪ ♪ Will I see tonight?

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Not like before ♪

♪ I was torn from your side ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ Time ♪ ♪ Fills my mind ♪

♪ I was blind ♪ ♪ Now I see ♪

♪ And truth ♪ ♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ I had lies ♪ ♪ Now I see tonight ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

[Intense tones]

[Whooshing]