05x07 - Going Deep Dish

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You Me Her". Aired March 2016 - June 2020.*
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"You Me Her" centers on the complex dealings and interactions of a group of individuals involved in a three-way relationship including a suburban married couple.
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05x07 - Going Deep Dish

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on "You Me Her"...

There is no way that those outlet mall mannequins will live in my house, as God is my witness!

- I already drew up your offer.
- You are at a serious f*cking crossroads.

Stop hiding behind this "hot mess Nina".

You're in over your head, sport.

- I want to make it work with them.
- But it doesn't, Iz.

Do you hear me? On so many levels,

it just does not work.
I'm not gonna sit back

- and watch you guys destroy her again.
- We can't keep hurting her.

Then you need to end it.

- We decided that...
- Of course you did.

Jack and Emma deciding what's best for the three of us again.

We don't love you anymore.

[BROKEN FENCES' "WEAKEST STATE"]

♪ Is it that you're running ♪

♪ From all that brings you here ♪

♪ Lies that bring the sweetness ♪

♪ Will falter and appear ♪

♪ You've lost your will to penetrate ♪

♪ You are, you are your weakest state ♪

♪ You are the fool that blames your flame ♪

♪ But you carry on ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Deceive your own true love ♪

♪ So you would be alone ♪

♪ All that you ever were ♪

♪ Not forgotten but gone ♪

♪ You've lost your will to penetrate ♪

♪ You are, you are your weakest state ♪

♪ You are the fool that blames your flame ♪

♪ But you carry on ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[CRYING]

♪ ♪

♪ You've lost your will to penetrate ♪

♪ You are, you are your weakest state ♪

♪ You are the fool that blames your flame ♪

- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- ♪ But you carry on ♪

♪ ♪

Hi. I was hoping you'd call.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

What? That's awesome.

You've never played baseball before?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

No, I'm not crying. I just...

I just miss you, that's all.

But the good news is I'm gonna see you on Monday.

♪ Feel the difference now that you're old ♪

♪ A running race to the end ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

How do you guys feel about pickles and cheese?

[GIGGLES]

♪ ♪

- Oh.
- Ooh!

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Guess the sidewalk's not big enough for both of us.

- [LAUGHS] Lala.
- Sophie.

I heard a rumor you're interested in moving into my neighborhood.

- HOA president.
- Oh, how about that?

I was the youngest HOA president in Silver Springs history.

Oh, are they calling Silver Springs a neighborhood now?

- Hm, thanks to me.
They begged me to stay.

Oh, it's interesting you left.

Yeah, people around here mostly want someone they can count on.

Right, well, my husband d*ed,and I couldn't afford the mortgage anymore, so they somehow found it in their hearts to forgive me.

- I...
- I don't want your pity.

I was going to say I got . % of the vote.

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband.

My ex dies at least three times a week.

Helps me sleep at night.

Imagining his horrible demise?

Yeah, totally. It's very soothing.

You looking for a veep?

Maybe.

Be fun to watch these four grow up together.

- Well...
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Are you okay? What?

I am definitely not saying that Dave and Carmen just bought their dream house, so, you know, don't be thinking that.

Anywho, I have to pee super bad, so, um, may we pass, Madame President?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Okay, come on, honey. Let's go.

Auntie has to pee.

- Bye.
- Bye.

A little faster. Ooh, there we go.

Yeah. Ooh, okay.

[LAUGHING]

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SNIFFLING]

♪ I can't collect my thoughts ♪

[GRUNTS]

♪ And you can't collect my thoughts ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I don't know which ones I lost ♪

♪ Which ones I've got ♪

Oh, hey, handsome barkeep.

Maybe you can help. [SPITS]

So here's my sitch.

Right in the middle of this deeply upsetting suburban engagement ceremony...

I don't know what it was.
I wasn't paying attention.

My girlfriend blurts out that she hates working with me, and then she starts pumping the breaks on our relationship just when we're, like, a quarter mile from

Cohabitationville, Oregon, which is just off the interstate. You can't miss it.

I'd feel guilty, letting you go on like that.

- Oh, hey, Ben.
- Shaun.

- [GRUNTS]
- How'd you get in here?

Oh, that seems like an awesome idea for an alcoholic.

Well, yeah, I... I actually came in to get a little bit of your, uh, you know, bartender therapy, but, uh, seems like you're pretty wrapped up in your own sh*t.

You seriously were searching for bartender wisdom from me?

Well, I was, but...

Aww.

She's going through something, Shaun, but you keep responding to what she says and does instead of what's beneath that.

- I just... I just want a life partner.
- Mm.

Not some human mountain that doesn't wanna be climbed.

Even though you may not see it at the moment because of all the snow whipping around, the summit is, like... it's right there.

♪ ♪

I feel like you... you kind of k*lled that metaphor of mine, you know? I presented it, I was very proud of it, and then you just made it your own.

You buried it, dug it up, threw it in my face, and you're just sitting there all smug.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- I missed you, pal.
- Yeah, I missed you, too.

Do you really think that she's capable?

Y... well, yeah.

I... I think she's ready to slide Izzy into a more conventional bestie role so that you can be her one and only, if you will,

and that is some monumental sh*t for people who have friendships like theirs.

She got destroyed, and that sticks with you until you wash it away with something better.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

And even though you can't see it at this precise instant, that, my friend, is you guys.

That's you and Nina.

♪ ♪

I... I can't keep living in service to her damage.

No, no, you'd hate her for it.

- [GROANS] It's just so complicated.
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, you could always find yourself a simpler woman.

[CHUCKLES]

- So, how you doing?
- Oh, what?

Because I'm getting married this weekend?

- Oh, you doing that?
- Yeah.

Oh, good for you.

I feel like the luckiest mammal on the planet.

It's like, who decided this?

Who decided I deserve this?

♪ ♪

- God damn.
- Yeah.

♪ Hey ♪

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪

[KNOCKING]

f*cking eh.

I don't care if she's paying you in stuffed sloths. I get half.

What's happening here?

Are you having a séance without me?

What's going on? Your birthday's not till next month.

Are you okay?

Um...

I don't wanna be again.

- It was fun.
- I'm ready to be now.

- [CHUCKLES]
- And I didn't wanna do it without you.

- Why now?
- Well, as you know,

I took a -month gap year after high school to go completely insane.

Um...

I was frozen in time, emotionally speaking, so I adjusted accordingly.

Um, but it's time to be a big girl now.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

Is this about Shaun?

Some.

♪ ♪

f*ck, I'm gonna have to tell him I'm balls-out crazy for him.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SNIFFLES]

♪ ♪

Say something.

You're gonna have to get your balls out.

[LAUGHS]

And as much as I'd like to keep you all to myself...

♪ ♪

He's your forever guy.

♪ ♪

Um...

- What?
- Part of being a big girl's telling the truth, right?

What did you do?

♪ ♪

I made Jack and Emma break up with you.

Oh, God damn it, Iz, after one night of mediocre breakup cuddling, you were talking about putting your life on hold for them again.

If you want a best friend who just sits back and watches you drive your entire life into a sea of burning sh*t, then find someone else, okay?

♪ ♪

I'm f*cking terrified right now.

♪ ♪

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

You did the right thing.

♪ ♪

It has to be over, so...

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

You did the right thing.

♪ ♪

Make a wish.

♪ ♪

- [BLOWING SHARPLY]
- Whoa!

- [LAUGHS]
- [COUGHING]

- So many candles.
- Yeah.

Good for you, old girl. Okay.

How about we go get you some sassy highlights and some linen trousers for your big day, huh?

- Mm.
- See?

I... I dissed you and now we're supposed to engage in some form of combat and, you know, till we forget our problems and... and go on as we were.

- Mm, I'm not feeling it.
- Yeah, me, either.

What is this abomination?

[SNORTS] It's called Chicago Style.

I find it offensive and disappointing, but...

- What, you wanna eat it?
- I'm considering it, yes.

You're relinquishing your passionate commitment to things that don't really matter...

one of the more annoying staples of extended adolescence.

I think I am.

sh*t.

- What's happened to us?
- I don't know.

- We're old.
- I know.

- So old.
- Man, .

- Dig my grave.
- [LAUGHS]

- I mean it.
- No.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[BABY COOING]

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

- I've never had a best girlfriend.
- Wow.

- Okay, we're jumping right to that.
- Don't embarrass me.

Uh, me... me neither.

I've never had a best girlfriend, either.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

[BOTH CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY]

Wow, so the Amaris are busting up the plan?

They are, yeah.

You and me, we each had a plan, huh?

[GENTLE MUSIC]

You're gonna be okay, and maybe in some small way, I can help you with that.

♪ ♪

Okay.

See you around, friend.

♪ ♪

- Bye.
- Bye.

♪ ♪

♪ I've been rolling this dice when the sh*t go down ♪

♪ I'm the only one to fall on the Kn*fe ♪

♪ Nobody ever answer when I call in the night ♪

♪ All my friends like shift work right ♪

♪ But everybody always seems off for the night ♪

♪ And it's bad yeah it's getting real bad ♪

♪ But I'm getting real close and as long ♪

♪ As these drinks keep on showing up ♪

♪ Who am I to not partake in the toast ♪

♪ So raise your glass here's to the last time ♪

♪ That I ever say the last time ♪

- [GROANS]
- Why'd you do that?

- It was giving me a headache.
- Oh, I forgot. You're super old.

[YAWNS] You wanna get high?

I'll probably just fall asleep. You made me yawn.

Oh, man.

[GROANS]

Maybe we can still work up a tussle.

Hmm? Insult me.

[INHALES]

Okay, um...

You look like Penélope Cruz got left in a dryer?

Mm, that's a compliment, and I'm gonna take it.

[CHUCKLES]

- Shaun's it for me.
- Uh, yeah, I know.

And yes, you're gonna have to tell him in no uncertain terms.

What are you so afraid of?

I think I'm just slightly concerned that if I open my rib cage one more inch, he's gonna rip my heart right out.

And what? Cohabitation is that last inch?

[GULPS]

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

What?

♪ ♪

[GRUNTS]

♪ ♪

How did they take it?

Jack and Emma when you forced them to "Old Yeller" me?

Well, I went at them pretty hard.

Well, do you know any other way?

♪ ♪

Bottom line, they did right by you.

If they loved me, nothing you said would have mattered.

- [DOOR OPENING]
- [CLEARS THROAT]

♪ ♪

What the hell's all this?

- Is it Izzy's birthday?
- Yeah.

- Oh, it is?
- Happy birthday.

[KISSES]

- Hi, Shaun.
- Hi.

Spoiler alert.

Nina here is actually a thousand years old.

- Oh, you little sh*t.
- Discuss.


[LAUGHS] Honey, you're home.

How about I fetch you a highball, let's, uh, watch some "Jeopardy!," and do the sex?

Ooh. Well, why... why don't we put a pin in that...

Yeah, okay. That's a good idea. [CLEARS THROAT]

So I can tell you this.

♪ ♪

I've decided I'm gonna stand by you through this whole wedding thing because... regardless of your bullshit denials...

I know that this is strangely important to you, but by the time that we get back here, we're gonna have decided whether or not we're in this whole life thing together.

♪ ♪

- Deal?
- Deal.

♪ ♪

[KNOCKING]

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, oh, you two look like sh*t.

Did you have twins or octuplets?

- We broke up with Izzy.
- Yeah, but for real this time.

Like, in a way we can't take back.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Besides telling us we look like sh*t...

Right, right. Uh...

These are great, right? For the babies?

'Cause they're so tactile, which is nice,

- and you get the...
- [VELCRO RIPPING]

- That's great. That's fun.
- Dave?

We're moving.

I'm sorry. This... this feels like a pile on here, but I... we're not going to the wedding, either.

You know, 'cause between the dream house and the movie deal,

I wanna be with Carm and the girls together, all of us, you know? 'Cause when I look back on this and remember it fondly, that's what I'd like to remember.

- Holy sh*t.
- Wow.

Book deal, movie deal, dream house.

- [CHUCKLES]
- What's next? You gonna tell us you guys can fly or something?

You know, we're just having a little moment here, although we do not have paparazzi, because we are children's authors in Portland, and that makes no sense whatsoever, so...

God, I love that you thought it did, though.

Well, just for a second I thought maybe

- there was, like, a "TMZ" kids divi...
- Wait, wait, rewind. Back to the house.

From the tours?

Oh, my God. Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Aww.

Yeah, and, uh, we got you a little something,

Carm and I. A little gift.

We enrolled your girls at Roosevelt Academy.

It's the best school in... in all of Portland.

Their acceptance rates for high school and college are undeniable.

You know, I figure if we're not gonna live in the same neighborhood, it doesn't mean that our girls can't go to school together.

- Four years later.
- No.

Thank you. No, thank you.

I don't understand. You...

You would do the same thing if you were in our position.

- But we'll never know.
- Well, what are you, mad at me?

- No.
- What, for this?

Or for moving?

Because I broke the agreement, right, the plan?

We just wondered, was there an addendum to the plan, was there small print that I missed that said,

- "If we find something better... "
- "I'm happy for you." That'd be nice...

- You could say that.
- Guys.

- He started it.
- I'll do it. I'll take it.

[BABY CRYING DISTANTLY]

Oh, we're all very happy for you. Thanks.

Congratulations on the house.

- He's really tired.
- Um...

- He hasn't slept much.
- Can I blame all of this on Carmen's absence?

You know, 'cause she's, like... you know, like, in bowling alleys, gutter guards if you're bad at bowling?

She's like that but in human form,

- you know?
- I know.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

Oh, God, is this what it feels like when friends break up?

We're not breaking up.

What if we just did?

You know, what if this was the moment and we don't realize it until years later after we stop returning each other's calls and forget to invite each other to parties and miss birthdays?

- Okay, that is scary sh*t. Stop it.
- All right, I'm sorry.

♪ ♪

We're best friends. It'll work, okay?

- Okay.
- It'll work, I promise.

Yeah, but it'll... it'll work if we make it work, right?

We can't just leave it up to the universe.

♪ ♪

Sorry about that. I feel like such a caveman.

Some things we never really evolve our way out of.

Okay, when I was wrapping things up with Dave,

- I had a big-ass f*cking epiphany.
- Okay.

EJI can work but only if we commit to making it work.

I mean, we can't just leave it up to the universe, and I think that means letting go of part of the plan.

Like which part?

Like to start with the two-kids-only part?

She does want her own babies.

- Yeah.
- We knew that.

You're okay with having another?

I'd be okay with rug rats if it brought her back to us.

Well, last time we broke up with her, we raced to the airport.

That's gonna be tough to b*at.

Any ideas?

Have you noticed how many times she's told us she's leaving immediately after the wedding?

The wedding to which we're no longer invited.

Wait a second.

- We're gonna crash the wedding.
- Yeah, we are.

- We're gonna crash the m*therf*cking wedding.
- We're gonna crash the wedding.

- Ow!
- Sorry.

- Jack!
- I'm just an aggressive high-fiver.

[KNOCKING]

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Sophie, are you sure?

I mean, I had no idea you were invited to the wedding.

Yeah, if you still want to go, we could just let true love die and live under a cloud of perpetual heartbreak.

Was that too manipulative?

- Oh, no. This is perfect.
- How's that?

Well, if I'm gonna be part of the neighborhood, gotta do my part, right?

Aww.

[COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Who's at Lala's door?
- Uh...

[KNOCKING] Um...

She's got a suitcase.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

Wonder who that is.

♪ ♪

- [GROANS] Shouldn't you be carrying this?
- No.

[BOTTLES CLINKING]

♪ ♪

- [DOOR CLOSING]
- No f*cking way.

Okay, I know that we are the last people on the planet you want to see right now, but if you can just give us, like, two seconds of your time, we will explain.

Oh, and we have something to show you.

Wait for it. Here it comes.

Be prepared to be super duper happy.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Yep, you're here. Okay.

Hey!

Hey, hey!

Yeah, it's me!

- Mom?
- [GLASS SHATTERING]

- She's not super duper happy.
- f*ck!

♪ Keep on teasing like a little girl ♪

♪ I know you don't like ♪

♪ She is living like a little one ♪

♪ You know I don't mind ♪

♪ 'Cause at night she's so sick of eyes ♪

♪ And I am wasting all my time ♪

♪ Never feeling no far away ♪

♪ Got a feeling it again, again ♪

♪ But I am wasting all my time ♪

[INTENSE TONES]

[WHOOSHING]
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