03x05 - Welcome to the Tiger Cage

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

I told you, Izzy, this was a mistake.

If you walk out that
door, you are dead to me.

Are you sure you left
for the right reasons

and you're still getting
a divorce on Monday

- and driving back to Seattle?
- Yes.

We agreed that before we started
talking about nannies and daycare,

the girls would be 3 years old.

What is wrong with your
entire generation of men?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Well, when I was a kid, my
dad used to leave me at a bar

- while he did God knows what in the back.
- Huh.

How long are you gonna
keep showing up like this?

Until you forgive me or my project ends.

You know, what would look really good

- on this tiny finger right there?
- Jack, I have an idea.

Why don't I propose to you?

- Jack Trakarsky?
- Yes?

- I almost proposed to Jack.
- That's awesome.

Nina, why is Shaun cooking
dinner in your kitchen?

- You're pregnant.
- I am that.

Ky, I'm sorry. It was a massive mistake.

I'll go with you.

You have a right to know.

Jack, did you hear what I said?

Yeah, um...

When you say I have a right to know,

we're talking about...

Mm-hmm.

So what happens now?

Haven't really had a chance
to explore my options.

Kylie offered...

to take me.

I... I didn't say yes.

I also didn't say no.

- Jack...
- What?

Jack, can we just...

can we just sit down and
talk about this like grownups?

Yeah, I'm supposed to be
playing it cool, I guess.

That's how you want me to react?

Please. I'm intrigued.

Tell me more about your
plan to abort the baby

we've been trying to have
for the last seven years.

Okay, can you tone down
the righteous indignation

to a seven or an eight, huh?

We both agreed what
happened was a huge mistake.

So it's pretty f*cking
complicated, Jack.

You know, we shouldn't
have this conversation here.

What? Why?

Because Izzy has a meeting with
her thesis counselor right now.

"The Myth of Polyfidelity."

Great premise. Well done.

Thanks. Uh, I call it "The
Communism of Relationships"

because it's way better in
theory than it is on its feet.

Fascinating.

You have no idea what
I'm talking about, do you?

I'm familiar with the
concept of polyamory.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, well, polyfidelity
is the fucktarded effort

to make polyamory exclusive
and... and permanent,

or so I've read.

Why are you so afraid of Izzy?

She would freak out if she knew
I was talking to you right now.

She hates you.

Your caller ID on her
phone is "Dead to Me."

She didn't return her
father's calls for over a year,

and he only left her once.

I'm meeting him tonight, by the way.

- That's a big step.
- I know.

I've had the engagement
ring in my underwear drawer

for five weeks now.

Well, not one to drag
your feet, are you, Jack?

Remind me, how quickly
did you jump uteruses?

Or... or is it uteri?

Feeling f*cking wounded, Em, are you?

Okay, well, look at it from
my f*cking point of view, okay?

My ex-wife shows up in slippers

to tell me that her new girlfriend

is gonna be escorting
her to the Abortion Ball.

- Okay, that's so f*cking offensive.
- In what f*cking way?

In the way that I am f*cking pregnant.

Holy sh*t.

Yeah.

Aside from the obvious...

cultural conditioning,
insecurity, jealousy,

why do you think polyfidelity is, uh...

"fucktarded"?

Hello?

Izzy?

I'm 38 years old. I live in Seattle,

where I'm gonna be
managing partner at my firm.

I'm with a woman who has literally said

on multiple occasions
these three words...

- "Babies are gross."
- Is that...

- Dr. Trakarsky...
- Jesus! Wear a bell.

So sorry. That came
out very disrespectful.

Well, is there a respectful way to
tell your advisor to wear a bell?

What is she doing here?

Unbelievable.

- What do you want?
- I don't know.

That's why I haven't
RSVP'd to the Abortion Ball.

Maybe you decided

you didn't want kids when you
realized you couldn't have them.

You really think now is the
time for "I told you so's"?

Actually, I think this
should be the happiest moment

of both of our lives.

Don't have an abortion.

We can figure something out.

Will you at least...

think about it?

I will. I promise.

Don't say anything to Izzy.

Not now.

She and I are just about to
go all in together, and...

You are, um...

undecided.

Are you lost?

Couldn't make it in the big city?

Road the rails back to Portland?

These are my driving clothes.

I like to be comfortable.

Well, how 'bout we just
cut straight to the part

where you tell me what
the f*ck is going on?

I am staying at the
Carlyle. I went for a walk.

It's right over there, just a mile.

And you wore slippers?

Forgot my sneaks.

Okay.

And you didn't tell Jack
you were gonna be in town?

Meeting came together
at the last minute, so...

- You can ask him.
- Oh. I will.

And maybe I'll give you
a call at the Carlyle.

Well, I'm not there. I'm here.

- So...
- You know, just to see if you're registered.

Izzy, I don't know why

we can't be amicable.

- I... I know that what happened at the loft...
- Look, just stop

dropping in and out of our lives.

Let us move forward.

Okay.

Yeah, 8's good,

assuming Jack's still alive by then.

Oh, no. He's perfectly healthy.

But people inexplicably fall out of
windows every day in this country.

Google it.

Okay. Bye.

Hello?

Okay. Okay, Silva. Be cool, be cool.

Just don't be that girl.

Just...

I get... I get that I'm coming
off a little nutty over here.

Um, I'm actually caffeine
sensitive and I just threw back,

like, four cups of Kenyan Dark, so...

Okay, now I hear you wondering
why I would drink four cups

of Kenyan Dark if I have a
caffeine sensitivity. Well...

maybe that's why I'm
seeing the head shrinker.

Did you ever think of that?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Bumblebutt.
- Bumblebutt?

Yeah.

- How was your meeting?
- Good. Fine.

- Yeah?
- Dad just called.

8 still okay? Are you a steak guy?
Is it weird that I don't know that?

Hey, we're all steak guys.

Some of us just pretend we're not

so we can get laid by
some pale skinny women.

Hmm.

Speaking of pale, skinny women...

You... you saw Emma, too?

Everyone lived?

- Not in my imagination.
- Mm.

"Bitterness is like drinking poison

to k*ll your enemy," young lady.

- Why you talking like that?
- It's a saying.

Uh...

- It felt like it was from the old times.
- Okay, so, um, why is, uh,

why is she here again?

She was at a meeting,

- and she's staying at the Carlyle.
- Mm.

That's what she said.

- Yeah, that's the gist of it.
- Right.

So why is my Spidey sense screaming

that something weird's going down?

I don't know. I mean,
you... we've discussed this.

You have no version of
a sixth sense at all.

- Right.
- You're way below the mean

- when it comes to basic human intuition.
- Oh.

So nice try, but off target.

What?

Ow.

Maybe don't shave.

He's the one on trial, not you, right?

- Your dad? Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

I wanna make a good first
impression. Maybe I'll show up late,

- you know, sweat pants on, half-drunk.
- That's perfect.

- That'd be good, right?
- Yeah. It's perfect.

Oh! That...

Okay.

- You're leaving? That's it?
- Yeah.

All right.

- I'll see ya.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, have a good one.

f*ck me!

Ugh. Mm.

Hey, Carm?

Hi. I just wanna stop by

and say that I love you,

you know, before I go to Seattle
and probably get an abortion.

and beg Kylie to forgive me.

Oh, and yes, I am mostly
wearing the clothes

that I slept in last night.

But for the record,
I did brush my teeth.

Wouldn't that be hysterical? Uh-huh.

Okay, well, I just wanted to play that

clever little prank on you.
So best to you and to yours.

You left some banana here.

Kind of puts our little
problem into perspective, huh?

Well, it's not little,
So no. No, it doesn't.

So do you guys want to play
princesses or princesses?

- Princesses.
- All right. To the treasure trunk!

Mnh. That's okay. You
just gotta aim better.

So how about school?

- Didn't work out too much.
- Mm.

Nice one.

You really should finish.

You really should
mind your own business.

Okay. Totally cool.

- Just getting my volunteer hours.
- You don't know anything about anything.

I got kicked out junior
year, but... whatever.

For what?

Uh, when my dad bailed, I
went on a bit of a rampage.

dr*gs, skipping, failing, fighting,

all the things.

I went to Algebra on acid.

I do not recommend it.

Hmm. And now, you're a grad student.

I am.

Yeah.

I tested into a granola bad kids school

and I graduated with honors.

And then I wrote one
hell of a tearjerker essay

- for my college apps.
- Mm-hmm. You're like a PSA.

In the flesh.

I can't enroll anyway.
I don't have an address.

- No family at all?
- No.

Well, other than my grandma,
but we haven't talked in years.

And she is nuts.

Don't get that stupid
savior look in your eye.

Savior? Me?

No. No, no, no. That
is not my thing. No.

More of the acid-dropping,
pool shark type.

Mm.

- Go ahead.
- Stop smiling. I'm serious.

- Oh, now I can't smile?
- No.

Well, I know you can't smile,
but I'm allowed to smile.

Go.

Okay, so we've had a few
cancellations for the party tonight,

but I think we've got
a good representation

from the West Coast princesses, right?

Now who was in charge of
snacks? Was that you, Callie?

- Did you bring any snacks?
- No.

Oh, was that a little hiccup?

Was it a magic hiccup
or just a regular one?

You have to have your
gloves. That's important.

- Can you help me?
- Yes, of course I can.

Is this a left or the
right? Here we go. Your left.

- Okay, now can you make your fingers like this?
- Yeah.

Hey!

I thought I heard a persistent
ticking in the background.

In case you're not clear, that's
another, um, biological clock joke.

- You did it!
- I did it. We did it together.

What do you want, honey? This one?

Put it on nicely, okay?

You can be Princess Monsterface.

That's a good name for
you, 'cause you really do...

Oh.

Jeez, uh...

is this about Emma and, um...

Yeah, I mean, she came
all this way to tell me.

That has to mean something, right?

Why else would she
just... show up like that?

Honestly, I'm, uh, punching out
of my weight class on this one.

- Is Carmen around?
- No, she ran after Emma.

- Grand Central Station here. Here you go, sweetie.
- Mm.

What do you think, Princess
Callie? What should I do?

- Twirl around.
- Just twirl?

- Twirl.
- Oh.

Ready? Like this?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Do you want wings? We have extra wings.

No, I feel better already.

- There you go.
- Thanks. Here.

See?

And then I'm thinking that
I'm gonna open up a, uh,

my own practice, sex therapy,

but with more of a
holistic approach, you know?

That's so cool. And refreshing.

How is that?

Hey, I don't like it when
women impugn my entire gender

like we're one giant organism,

so I sure as hell don't want
to throw it back the other way.

- But...
- But what?

Let's just say it ain't easy out there.

Word to that, my brother.

Okay, time's up. Remember
the parameters of our...

Yeah, I'm good for now, but thanks...

intrusive barkeep.

- Right, but you... you told me that...
- No, seriously, I'm... I'm good.

Gotcha. f*ck science, right?

Oh, laughing.

And how about you,
Captain Sensitive Pants?

- Are you... you good?
- Um...

- yeah.
- Yeah?

That's cool.

Cool.

I don't know.

That was interesting.

Yeah, I think they get a... a tax rebate

- for employing him.
- I heard that.

- What?
- Not to make this weird, but...

I feel like I know you, Nina.

Are you...

- did I...
- Did you just say,

"I see you, Nina Martone"?

Actually, no, I said, "I
feel like I know you, Nina."

Let me guess. You, uh, you got it from

"The Millennial Twat's Guide
to Getting Laid" by Andy Cutler?

Wow, so I'm a twat now. Nice.

I'm clinging to a thread of hope here.

Uh, are you f*cking with me?

What... what does
that even mean, anyway?

Like, um, like you...
you can see my soul?

The... the vulnerable little girl
that forever lives in my heart?

And then, um, seven weeks later,
you wanna slow things down,

which apparently is code for "I'm
breaking up with you in nine days"?

Did you take an unfortunate
combination of dr*gs

to prepare for this date?
Or are you just crazy?

Oh. Ohh.

- Crazy it is.
- Okay.

Yeah, I'd say drinks are on
the house instead of your...

your crotch, but, uh...

She works here, so... Yeah. Cool. Oh.

I... I need to admit
something to you, okay?

So don't f*ck it up.

Okay, but I'm not that
good under pressure.

I... have a...

... pretty girl ego.

Oh, is that when I was
supposed to be surprised?

But I've only seriously opened myself up

to two guys in my entire life, and...

and they both shat on my head.

Disrespectful.

And highly coincidental.
Did they know each other?

I mean, were they part of, uh,
same scatological fraternity?

Right?

Listen, I think we've come up with

- the real question of your thesis.
- Oh, f*ck.

Fine, whatever. I'll bite.

What's the real question of my thesis?

"What is wrong with me?"

Like you. You're saying it.

You're saying, "What is wrong with me?"

You know? Because you know that's true.

Okay, um, let's clear
some sh*t up here, Shaun.

First of all, f*ck you and
your latest annoying attempt

- at bartender wisdom.
- Okay, don't do that. Don't...

- don't put up the Nina armor. I'm just trying to...
- And I already have a mejor amiga,

f*cking clown.

Why do I get the sense
that you're correlating

me sitting on a swing,
staring at a stuffed octopus,

with my wanting to keep this baby?

Am I even necessary
in this conversation?

I should be in my car, on the
way back to Seattle right now.

Yet here you are, sitting on a swing,

staring at an octopus.

You know those people who
are so deep in Scientology

that they can't turn back?

Like, even when they know
it's about tiny aliens?

They just forge on because
it's easier than admitting

how f*cked up it all is.

So you're saying Seattle's
your Church of Scientology?

Yep.

- You don't seem surprised.
- Well, that's mostly because I'm not.

Jack was right.

I wasn't following my truths.

I was running away.

I mean...

my job is awesome.

And Kylie's awesomer.

Well, a lot of things
are awesome and awesomer.

Em, what really matters is,

what do you want?

I want this baby.

And?

And I want my husband.

And Izzy.

Do you think Izzy will forgive me?

Well, begging for forgiveness
is kind of your thing now, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, my
grovel game is on point.

Yellow roses.

Did you just have a stroke

and say "yellow roses" out of nowhere?

It's the official flower of apology.

See? That's why I love you.
You know sh*t like that.

Oh.

Ugh! How come you always get
to be the caged tiger, okay?

Maybe this time, I wanna be the
caged tiger. You think about that?

It's a big cage.

- So what? We're supposed to do it at the same time?
- Why not?

That's new.

Do I just... do I...

- You just walk.
- Do I like it?

- f*ck, yeah. I think I might like it.
- You do. It's good. You first.

- f*cking Shaun.
- What?

No, no.

No, not me f*cking Shaun. Like,

God, no. Shaun's pissing me off.

Okay. So Shaun can piss you off now?

Which means you give a damn about Shaun.

Um, that is so stupid.

Just stop saying stupid sh*t
and try to be less stupid.

He's big and he's furry and
he wears a rotation of, like,

- four weird t-shirts.
- Okay, I get it. Shaun's not your type.

So, uh, what'd he do to piss you off?

He... he says that my
thesis isn't really about

the plight of the millennial male...

that it's about me.

- No.
- Yeah.

Yeah. And h's, um, he says
that I'm trying to figure out

what's wrong with me,
why guys keep leaving me.

- Can you believe that?
- No.

Yeah. And...

Wait. Wait are you saying
no, like, "No f*cking sh*t"?

Yeah, I am.

Nina, there's been 2 guys in 10 years.

Three including today's thesis date,

- who was actually a really cool guy.
- Okay.

And he, um, took off

when I called him a twat and
threw a drink in his face.

What a p*ssy.

Right?

- Oh, okay.
- I... I just...

I can't shake this
feeling that Emma's here

for more than a business
meeting, you know?

- What the f*ck?
- I ordered pizza.

- Oh. Sweet.
- Yeah.

I'm starving.

Um...

You can't talk to me like that,

especially in front of customers.

Um... o... okay.

So however it's going to
be between us, it is not...

it is not gonna be like that.

Fine. Um, I'm sorry.

And I'll work on it.

Okay.

Uh...

- Izzy.
- Shaun.

Okay. So to be continued.

Yeah.

Hmm.

So... what have we learned
here today in the tiger cage?

Shaun's got a surprisingly
impressive pair.

And you need to stop
obsessing over Emma.

- Want a beer?
- Yeah.

Damn it.

Uh, maybe we could save this look

for the second time we meet my dad?

Oh, my God. You are nervous.

That is very cute.

It's the first time I met
someone's dad since Hal Seaver.

Yeah? And how did that go?

He gave me a pamphlet
for conversion therapy.

Ha ha. Well...

- well, it looked like it worked.
- Mm.

But you have to wait until we get home.

Okay, then I'm gonna
challenge your father

to a speed eating contest.

- I love you.
- Well, duh. I'm touching on your privates.

I'll get this one 'cause...

- Yeah. Yeah.
- You know...

Okay, I'll pick out

the perfect pair of
father-meeting undies.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, Em. What the
f*ck are you doing here?

Yellow roses, the
official flower of apology.

Would it help if I knelt?
Others have enjoyed it.

That seems excessive.

But I would move one way
or the other if I were you.

Why?

I dig the vase.

What'd I tell you this morning, Em?

I told you to stay the f*ck away.

Did it seem like I was joking?

Yes, would you please just hear me out?

Who was that?

It was just some lost chick.

A lost chick with a vase?

I know. That's weird, right?