03x07 - Hold onto your Ovaries

[bunniefuu]

Congratulations. You're pregnant.

- Holy sh*t.
- Previously on "You Me Her"...

I'm keeping it. Jack, Izzy,

- I'm in love with the two of you.
- I could never trust her,

and I would be beyond
disappointed if you could.

For the record, I'm also Mr.
Right There in Front of You.

I'm gonna be putting more
time into the magazine,

and we need to come up with a plan.

You wanted to stay at home.
This was a... a mutual decision.

I spoke to your grandmother's counselor.

She asked if you'd
want to go for coffee.

Fine, but you seriously
have to be there.

I will. I promise.

I don't know. Maybe Andy was right,

what he said to me when we broke up.

"It's not me.It's you."

- f*ck.
- Yeah.

- Favorite part of the job. There you go.
- Oh.

We have to celebrate.

You, me, Emma. Who else?

What's that look?

- Hey! There they are.
- Hi.

My, God. What is Emma doing...

You were in on this.

- Yeah.
- Iz.

- What?
- I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it.

Six weeks, so...

He knows, doesn't he?

Jack!

That day in the loft,

what'd you call it?

Oh, yeah, it was a "mistake."

No, it turns out that was
the only completely real thing

I've done in the last six months.

And yet, you left again.

Yeah, I ran away 'cause
I was f*cking terrified.

Of what?

Of the day you and Jack
realized I was unnecessary.

Jack loves you, Izzy. He
is deeply in love with you.

- And you think that that would...
- Stop.

... that would pissed me off or
make me jealous, but it doesn't,

because this just feels right.

And I don't wanna f*ck it up.
I cannot f*ck this up again.

This happened when we were together.

We made this baby together.

I love you so f*cking much.

Say it again.

I love you.

All of it.

I love you so f*cking much.

Yipes.

This is so much better than
I expected after that scream.

Is this what it was like the last
time you two made out in a bathroom?

It was a little more like this.

And then I went like this.

And like this.

- Remember?
- Yeah.

Come here.

f*ck this.

Troubles?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure
I just got stood up

by a catsitter/Instagram consultant.

Oh. Wow, okay.

Well, that knocks off

the bicycle detailer/
fraternity party planner

- off the top, doesn't it?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

A bunch of the guys I was
messaging went radio silent.

I haven't hooked anything
for almost 24 hours.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, what?

Well, it seems like the
boys of Portland are talkin'.

Seriously? Like I'm on some
kind of Tinder sh*t list?

- I don't know.
- Ugh!

f*ck! How am I supposed
to finish my f*cking thesis

if everybody's scared of me?!

I know, right? Hmm.

Mm.

So I was gonna sneak out and catch
"Pillow Talk" at the Paramount.

And you're welcome to tag
along if you want, or whatever.

I mean, it's a light crowd
and, uh, he can handle it, so...

Are you serious? Are you
asking me on a date right now?

Absolutely not. I'm just
proposing that we grab a bite,

and then we go see one of the

10 essential romcoms
of the 20th century.

Okay, so...

so now it's the proverbial
dinner and a movie?

- Oh, right.
- But it... it's still not a date?

You're just... you're...

you're turning this into
something that it clearly isn't.

And quite frankly, I don't, you know,

I don't feel comfortable.

- Oh.
- So...

But you don't think I
see how you look at me?

You know, I can feel your
searing eyes on my ass,

making my ass even hotter.

It's true.

Say yes.

- Yes.
- What was that?

Yes. Yes. Yes!

Oh. See?

Huh?

Yeah. You know where to find me.

Okay.

Do you really think
they're getting it on

in our master bathroom right now?

Fighting, f*cking?
Fighting while f*cking?

It's all on the table right now.

Or the vanity, in this case.

Okay, I'm gonna think about that
every time I brush my teeth now.

Thank you.

I'm so glad we didn't
do this at my house.

You know, if you examine
what we're doing right now,

just standing here,
looking up at the stairs...

I don't think you'd like
what it says about us.

Um, congratulations... on the magazine.

- Bye.
- See ya.

Well, you did it.

- You rethroupled them.
- Yeah, I did.

- Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Thank you.

Oh, no. Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

One of the best romantic
comedies of our time?

Yeah. It's my mom's favorite movie.

It was... kinda r*pe-y.

Sorry.

Yeah, I don't remember
it being that r*pe-y,

but Ivy League there got
a little... little handsy.

True. I mean, the whole
thing was just weird.

The fact that the guy
is a pathological liar?

- He's... he's one person...
- Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

and then he's Rex Stetson, and
then he still gets the girl.

I thought that movie was bullshit.

Have you ever listened to
Doris Day's Christmas album?

How did we get there?

From the time I could run,

I chased my dad's car down the street

until my mom caught me.

The older I got, the further
I got. It was impressive.

- Did he ever stop?
- No.

My mom said if he
stopped, I'd never learn.

Ouch. That sucks.

Did I tell you I paint?

- Definitely not.
- It's highly therapeutic.

I suck at it, though, so I
call it "abstract expressionism"

because, I mean...

who's gonna know?

So...

I just... Handfuls.

- Just a bunch of that?
- I'm going through a Pollock phase right now.

My grandma thinks I'm a genius.

What?

Oh, come on. No, no, no, no, no.

We're sharing. There's no holding back.

Well, I kinda...

I kinda sorta want my own bar.

I mean, I've been saving up,

and I've got a couple
investors that are interested.

That is extremely cool, Shaun.

Okay, say it for real.

Say what?

Well, leave out the "kinda sorta"

and tell the universe what you want.

I want my own bar.

Lame.

Is that so hard? Yell it.

I'm holding on.

- I want my own bar!
- He wants his own bar!

- I want my own f*cking bar!
- Whoo!

Said every drunk ever!

Thank you!

- Move along.
- Nice.

Hey, thanks for never judging
me about the escort thing.

I think it just made me feel...

I don't know, in control?

Well, paddling a dude
who's wearing a dog collar

and nipple clamps, that would do it.

None of us are in control, really.

If you can accept that, it's
actually all very exciting.

I... I didn't realize how badly
I needed a night like this.

Thank you.

Go on.

Get it over with. Jerk the
rug out from underneath me.

No.

Not this time.

All right, I, um...

I got... just need to walk away now.

Yep.

You know, if it's a girl...

we should totally name her Eji.

How awesome would that be?

Yeah, then we can go
straight from cutting the cord

- to giving her a belly button ring.
- Yeah.

Buy her a little training stripper pole.

Foster an addiction to
infant cough medicine.

"More sizzurp, Mommy."

- Aw.
- Don't you mean Mommies?

Ah, I forgot.

Oh, I will respond to
"Mamacita" and "Mamacita" only.

So we're really doing it?

Yeah. Just a guy, his
ex, and their girlfriend

raising a baby together.

So if it's a girl, and
we don't call her Rita,

my mother will never speak
to any of us ever again, so...

Oh, seriously, if you do name her Rita

and you can't make it 1957,

your daughter will
never speak to you again.

As long as we avoid plants or herbs.

I have four patients named Sage,

three Willows, and a Fern.

- All in therapy?
- Yeah, that's exactly my point.

I love Matilda.

I like Matilda.

Yeah, 'cause it can be
Maddy, it can be Tilda.

It's like three names in one.

- That's pretty good.
- Right?

- We should write these down.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, what about Riley?

He was my first crush when we were 9.

Every time he smiled at me,

I heard that "Breakfast Club" song.

Everyone freeze-framed.

- I like it.
- Here, here, here.

Matilda.

- And Riley. I like Riley.
- It tickles.

- What about Parker?
- Hmm.

Sounds kinda douchey, but every
Parker I know has been a winner.

I like Parker.

Eh, let's keep going.

- Olivia.
- Too popular.

- Jack Jr. Should've put that first.
- Jack?

- No.
- Gotta put that in giant capital letters.

Uh, fair warning...
I don't change diapers.

Well, I did once, but I
was getting paid double.

Oh, that is f*cking disgusting.

I know. I'm sorry.

Okay, well, I already
divvied up the baby duties.

And spoiler alert, but
your lists are super long.

I already work insane hours at Pinnacle.

And if I make partner, it's
gonna be even worse, so...

sh*t.

Sorry, I didn't...

I didn't mean to make assumptions.

Oh, we haven't really
talked about it, so...

I was assuming you were coming home,

not coming to get us.

Ohh, it's a w*r zone.

Mm. It's Hannah's ring.

Can you just say you're dead?

Is there a response that says
"I'm dead"? Can you do that?

I think she's actually really lonely.

Well, that's what happens
when you fabricate a husband.

I'm kidding. Please.
Go ahead. Feel free.

f*ck, yeah!

f*ck yeah!

- Never getting that genie back in the bottle.
- Hello? Carmen?

- The counselor meetings roll out before us.
- Carmen,

hold on to your ovaries.

- Um, not a saying.
- Give it time.

Turns out, hunky printer
rep's dad owns the company,

and they want in. Offices,
staff, the whole nine.

How amazing!

Uh, so ama... Are you kidding me?

Get your skinny ass over here
so we can celebrate! Whoo!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Well, uh...

I guess sh*t just got real, huh?

It's okay. We'll figure it out.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Mm.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

I maybe have five minutes.

Well, I only need four, so you
can just have a whole minute

for the walk of shame over there.

- That's perfect.
- Lily sh*t on my book.

She what?

- I got it.
- No, wait. No, no, no. Hold on. You get...

you get over there and you go celebrate.

I got this. I'll take care of it. Go on.

So hard to me. So hard to me.

- Daddy!
- Okay! Yes, sh*t on a book. Coming!

Can't wait to see.

Well, if you get the promotion,

you're gonna be making, like,
a sh*t ton of money, right?

Like, twice what Jackie makes.

If you're trying to bruise my ego,

- No?
- ... it's not working.

I'm fully comfortable with
however much she's making.

- Is it more than twice as much?
- Yeah, a little bit.

Three times as much? Four times?

- Seriously?
- f*ck.

Testing the limits of my ego.

And as long as we're being honest,

I miss Hawthorne Heights.

What? You never told me that.

I do.

It's interesting.

In what way?

In the way that I'd rather
sleep under a f*cking bridge.

Come on. How do you not love this place?

It's in the middle
of f*cking everything.

There's tacos downstairs.

Yeah, except for parking
and grass and trees

and grocery stores or other children.

Uh, well, bonus point for Seattle...

we could pick out a place together.

Well, this is f*cking great, isn't it?

2-person couples have a hard time

staying on the same page
about stuff like this,

like where to live, how to live.

Yeah, but we are a
democracy, so we can vote.

- Oh.
- That's true.

We could, like, make presentations,

each of us.

Give it the pluses and minuses.

What?

How about we explore
the more tactile aspects

- of an odd-number relationship?
- Mmm.

- I second that motion.
- Third!

Enough with the talking.

In the shrink world, we
call this "avoidance sex."

Works for me!

- Hey.
- What's up?

My mind is blown.

The world has turned upside-down.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

- Neen.
- What?

Nina!

You're cleaning the bar.

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck? Should I go home?

- I don't know. Do you have a fever?
- Um...

I don't know. I don't think so.

I'm a little shaky, though.

- g*dd*mn it.
- What?

Well, I'm highly suggestible to panic.

Oh. Well, maybe you
should've thought of that...

before you kissed me.

Yeah, no, you're right. That
makes total f*cking sense.

You know what?

For both of our sakes, I think
I'm just gonna take my break now.

- Yeah, that's... that's more like you.
- Yeah.

You deserve it.

- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, look at this.

It's...

half done.

I'm glad this didn't get weird.

- Mmm.
- Mm.

Squeeze in.

Mm.

Whatcha working on?

Everything all at once,
as usual. Never stops.

Kind of running out of excuses.

I'm pretty sure I'm in... Hawaii?

Fiji? I don't know.

- Definitely an island.
- You're not in the hospital.

Oh, sh*t, I'm in the
hospital. That's right.

Who's that?

My dad.

So he's not really crazy
about this... business.

- You told him already?
- Yeah. I... I've...

I thought I was telling
him about something I did,

not something I'm doing.

Sorry, Dad.

Ugh!

Go away.

Seems that the world has found us.

Okay, enough.

Another text, call, or e-mail,
and I'm gonna have to fake

a Code Red Wellness Center emergency

so I can just be as cool
and indispensable as you two.

f*ck!

What?

I forgot my meeting with
Sasha and her grandma.

- I'm sure she'll be fine, Iz.
- No, she's been let down enough.

She was counting on me, and I... I...

f*ck. I got distracted.

- Hey, Iz. Izzy.
- What?

It'll be okay. You'll figure it out.

- You want a ride?
- I... I gotta go.

No polish for you.

Sasha, look at me, please.

Hey, can we just skip this part

and go straight to you f*cking off?

I'm so sorry. I lost track of time...

Is that really the best you can do?

You're right.

All that matters is that I f*cked up.

And I swear to God,
it'll never happen again.

You got that right.

What happened with your grandma?

Nothing good.

Same selfish, crazy cow she always was.

- Well, maybe we could make another appointment...
- No.

It's done. Over.

You don't know her like
I do, so just let it go.

You can't fix me.

Well, what can I do?

You can go away.

Hey.

I had a revelation.

And you wanna talk about it?

Yeah. I do.

I'm glad you could swing this in.

Izzy's at Directions,
and Emma's buried in work.

Ah. Don't worry about it.

I got the kids sleeping right here.

- It's a nice touch.
- Plus, you saved me

from a reddit wormhole
of fluppy mythology.

Aren't they all just
facets of the human soul?

Okay, so I'm the only one that
hasn't made that connection?

Wait a minute.

Emma's buried at work?

I thought she was quitting.

Apparently that's TBD.

I beg your pardon?

Yeah. You know, there's
a version of this

where we all end up moving to Seattle.

Why in God's name would
you move to Seattle?

If Emma makes managing partner,

she's gonna make,
like, a billion dollars.

Okay, but what about
you? You okay with that?

You're just gonna leave everything?

If it was up to me, I'd move back
to Hawthorne Heights tomorrow.

- You know that.
- What about Izzy? She wants to move to Seattle?

No clue.

We had sex just so we
could stop talking about it.

I thought the whole move
here was Emma gets pregnant,

snaps the f*ck out
of it, and comes home.

I guess that was the
plan originally, but...

I don't know, man.

I mean, I...

I guess...

Don't move.

I will not. I will stay perfectly still.

- I won't even breathe.
- Okay.

I mean, don't leave Portland, Jack.

I lost Emma once just
because I was too fixated

on my version of our life.
I can't do that again.

What if I cry?

Will that change anything?

It would make me immediately
lose all respect for you.

Mm-hmm.

You wanna go back to playing basketball?

- I would love that, yeah.
- Okay.

- Hey, you're back so soon.
- Yeah.

I... somehow I ended up at the zoo.

I'm drunk.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Who squeezes more of a
5-hour break than you, huh?

Uh...

Look, I've, uh, been
giving it a lot of thought,

and what if you really are
Mr. Right There in Front of Me?

Well, how do we find out?

Well, we need to kiss again.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I mean, it could've been a fluke,

like you closed your eyes and
accidentally hit a home run.

I'm so happy to hear you say that,

- 'cause I felt like I made solid contact.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey.

What's a big, dumb, regretful assh*le

gotta do to get a drink around here?