04x09 - I'm Popeye and You're My Beautiful Spinach

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

There was this very s... specific moment

- the other night behind the hedge.
- The Almost Kiss?

Is that Nathan? What the f*ck, Iz?

Is Coach Remi right? Do you
want to see other people?

Do you have any sequel ideas for me?

I mean, you're the writer in the family.

- Could you help...
- d*ck.

Are you seriously asking me
to take out that bag of trash?

- Uh...
- I quit, okay?

Good luck finding another
bartender with a PhD.

Fun fact... seven of the applicants.

Oh, Jesus, really?

I'm the victim. Shaun did this to me.

By getting his sh*t together?

Naming his bar after you?

Being really good at sex?

I've been thinking
about Dad a lot lately.

Just... He was such
a cool guy, you know?

Like, he could just
attract friends like flies.

Every weekend, the basement was packed.

How do you become a guy like that?

Why don't you just
tell us why we're here?

Everything he thinks he knows
about his own upbringing is a lie.

He needs to know the truth about his dad

to understand Mom.

Jack.

Mom.

You gonna go first?

Out here in the cold and damp?

You're still trying to k*ll me, huh?

Come on.

Let's chat over a proper cocktail

while Ding and Dong
cook me one of my recipes

like it's some kind of
tribute to serve me food

I make better at home.

- I won't be staying for dinner.
- Oh, come on!

Let's have two proper cocktails.

I'm better at pretending I like
things when I'm half in the bag,

especially people, but also food.

We need to talk, Jack.

That's why I came. It's why I'm here.

I just need to say what I'm
gonna say, and then I'll go.

I'm having twins.

So I guess I actually do have balls.

f*ck it, I'm just here
to ask you will you come

to our party on Saturday night?

Kid, I was coming whether you
liked it or not, so thank you.

- Mom!
- What?

Is that Jack-off Trakarsky?

Since when can you talk
and make a decent Manhattan

at the same g*dd*mn time?

- Witch.
- Fucktard!

Wow. You two have a good thing going.

Ah, don't we?

Okay, well...

That seems about right.

Okay, girls, always remember this...

if you never fall,

you'll never learn how to get back up.

And you're gonna fall a lot
'cause you're a Trakarsky,

and we fall a lot.

I'm your dad, by the way.

- What are you doing?
- Jesus, Batgirl.

Clear your throat or something.

What's going on in there?

He's practicing his dad face.

It's pretty adorable.

Well, I love adorable things.

So get your ass back in here.

So, tell us your dad's
other wisdom nuggets

besides the, um, the falling down thing.

- I remember that one...
- Mm-hmm.

... and then something
about standing closer

to the toilet when you pee.

You are gonna be an amazing dad,

and you're gonna craft way better wisdom

than "stand close to pee"

- and "if you fall, remember to get back up."
- It's true.

Jizzy and Jamma are
going to bore the sh*t

out of their future partners

with exaggerated tales
of your fatherly exploits.

You know, I always felt
like there was something more

that he was trying to tell me.

Um, we have our consultation
at Bill's Baby Shop today.

- Remember?
- Babe, that's the whitest sentence ever.

Oh.

It's mine.

Oh! It's your partner in crime.

Shut up.

Hey, Nathan. What's up?

You're leaving?

But it's the middle of the semester.

He's leaving Hawthorne?

What is he, in love
with you or something?

What?

Why would you say that?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Iz...

No, babe, I was saying no.

It was just weird that
you would say that.

You're being crazy.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Hey.

He's going to California at the border

to work with those kids in cages

who are separated from their parents.

Wow. He's really doing it.

- Good on him, right?
- Totally.

Yeah.

Um, well, I'm glad he
has time to save the world

because this gal has
got party errands to run.

Hey, Iz?

Yeah.

You know when Nathan...

almost kissed you on
that security camera?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep.

Did you want him to?

No.

Look, Iz, you're right.

We're all gonna have to
make compromises, for sure.

But we just really want you to be happy.

Yeah, this whole thing
doesn't work if you aren't.

Well, I am.

I promise. Okay?

So have fun with Bill
and his bougie-ass cribs.

I have party planning to do.
You guys won't be disappointed.

Okay?

Hey.

Are you kidding me with
that incredible book idea?

Reiko Robin learns the value
of diversity and tolerance

when an evil cockatoo
with an orange comb-over

blames all the migrant birds
for pooping on all the nice cars?

And that romance angle?

Birds may have brains
the size of insects,

but their hearts are
as big as the Idaho sky!

Carmen, you saved my ass. I'm serious.

Uh, my heart has wings for you.

- Sweetheart?
- I almost didn't send it.

What? What do you mean,
you almost didn't send it?

- What are you talking about?
- Because I just recently concluded

that fulfillment wasn't enough,

and I wanted the gold star,
the smiley face, the spotlight.

I wanted you to be the wind
beneath my sheets for once.

So I wished for my own husband
to not only crash and burn

but also sh*t his pants on the way down.

Oh, my.

Carmen, that is quite dark
and jarringly thorough.

Have I been that much of a d*ck?

I feel certain that no one else

has written and sold a
children's book with less effort.

And, all of a sudden, now
you're just regaling moms

in strip mall bookstores
up and down the West Coast,

and I can't even get a
local awards nomination

with so many categories, one is
literally called Best Condiment Blog.

- Oh, that's real?
- Here's the thing, Dave.

I'm an undercover assh*le,

and, uh, everybody
thinks I'm the nice one,

but I... I know better.

Okay, then I'm gonna say this.

Uh, uh, women get saddled
with this morally pristine

Earth mother bullshit that
just is completely unfair

and unattainable and unhealthy

that makes actual Earth
angels like you feel like sh*t.

Really?

Hey, listen, I have wished for you

to have expl*sive, debilitating diarrhea

- just for being better than me at Pictionary.
- Oh, Dave.

There are at least five
pets in our neighborhood

who are better than you at Pictionary.

Yeah, listen, I... I am not
okay without you, all right?

And you are the best
writer this family has.

I don't even need to
say that, quite frankly.

And you know what? I'm getting
you a cowriter credit, all right?

And next time, we're doing
this book tour together.

Finished, Mommy! Wipe my bum-bum!

Well, FaceTime's going hard
R at 8:00 sharp tonight.

- Ya feel me?
- Oh!

Uh, yas queen!

Ugh, make it 8:30.

I'm gonna need a half-hour
to forget you said that.

Mommy, I sat on Lily,
and now she's poopy, too!

You be brave, my love.

Okay. Come home soon.

Uh, what the f*ck?

Well, I hope your exit lines
are better than your entry lines.

Why would you call Jack to
tell him that you were leaving?

Didn't you get the e-mail blast?
It went out to the whole school.

Oh, really? How about... how about...

how about this e-mail blast?
Or h... how about this one?

Wow, you're... you're flipping me off

for helping children who have
been ripped from their parents

and held in cages.

Well, you should pack linen, Izzy,

'cause, uh, the forecast in
Hell calls for extreme heat

- and intermittent lapping flames.
- Okay.

Let's pretend for a moment
that your reasons for leaving

have nothing to do
with me. Let's do that.

You know, it's like we
say a... at Grigio...

I'm getting hints of egocentricity

with bass notes of narcissism.

Oh, f*ck your weird white wine bar.

You don't have to leave just
because, you know, because...

- W... we...
- Okay, this should be good.

I believe we can be friends.

That's what I came here to say.

Jack and Emma would
never be okay with that.

Well, then that's too bad for them.

Neither will I.

Look, since we met, I... I
exist in one of two states...

with you and waiting to see you.

Nathan, you've known me
for, like, less than a month.

Yeah. It took me about four days

to realize I was in love with you.

It took a lot longer than that

to accept that you are in
love with the Trakarskys.

I'll quit. You stay, I'll go.

Look, we... we both
know you can't do that.

You're gonna lose the house.

Kind of all-or-nothing
for you guys now, huh?

Is that by your own design,
or, I don't know, just theirs?

Oh, we're being dicks now?

Okay. Let's be dicks.

How about you quit pretending to pack

and stop acting like a spoiled
brat who didn't get his way?

I'm sorry I... I can't spare the time.

I wasted too much of that already...

being angry at a wife
who never loved me,

working a job I never really loved,

pining after you.

Izzy, I want to do something
with my life that matters,

and I want to matter to someone.

You matter to me.

You... you helped me realize
that I have a life out there...

my life, my journey.

My only regret is, uh, I just...

I couldn't make you see
that that's true for you.

Later, friend.

f*ck off, Nathan.

For the record, I am different
from all these bougie assholes

because I am self-aware,
which, you know, makes it okay.

It's more than okay.

It's everything I've ever wanted.

You know, I think, um...

You think what?

Well, I think maybe
that's how Izzy feels.

You know, everything we ever wanted...

the house we want, the babies
we want, the life we want.

Now we're here without her.

Although she did say
that we should be...

- start doing...
- Yeah, well,

she also got us a pumpkin spice candle.

Doesn't mean she suddenly likes it.

I wish she never said
that human sh*t thing.

I know. Gets in your head, right?

Yes.

What are you thinking?

Eh, I was thinking about my parents.

How happy they were, you
know, before, when I was a kid.

Thought it would last forever.

When did you realize they weren't happy?

I guess about a year
before the accident.

They stopped trying to hide it.

What happened? I mean,
was there a problem?

My mother happened.

She's a horrible human
being who became horrible-er.

You're gonna be better than your dad.

Better than the best.

- Hmm?
- Thanks.

Thank you.

Fancy seeing you here.

Because you sent me a text to meet you.

Yes, so...

- You did good, kid.
- Mm-hmm.

We're square, you and me.

So, do you guys need anything cleaned?

'Cause I've got that thing
till the end of today.

Well, aren't you suddenly lovely?

- What do you want?
- William!

Maybe she's just being neighborly.

Yeah.

That could happen.

Sometime. Not today. But eventually.

Called it, this guy.

Marty, um, you stage and decorate

and host sh*t like Binge Club, right?

You're like a Martha Stewart type?

Well, I wouldn't put
"sh*t" and "Binge Club"

in the same sentence,

and I'm more of an Ina
than a Martha Stewart,

- but, please, do go on.
- So, here's the thing...

I imagined blowing Jack and Emma away

with this epic anniversary party.

Meanwhile, in reality,
all I have is 40 Solo cups

and a bunch of ping-pong
balls and a jumbo bag of chips,

but I stress-ate them in the Lyft.

Okay, so when's this soir?e?

T... tomorrow night?

Oh, man, well, 40 cups
and ping pong balls,

- I think maybe we could just...
- Oh, please with the deep pondering.

We both know you'd pay
her to let you do it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, yes! Thank you, thank you.

Okay, people. We have four
hours until the stores close.

- We got to get on it.
- Wait. You're gonna help me?

Well, somebody's got to be in charge.

Well, that's me.

- Oh, muffin.
- Okay, whatever.

I'll just drop these off at home.

Izzy.

So that should be as good as new.

Mm-hmm.

So Dada and I had alone time,
and that's completely natural.

That's great.

Can you... can you... the power-washer.

- Now?
- Yeah.

Okay. Great.

- I'll see ya?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Dad?
- Okay.

See you guys shortly.
Thank you, guys, again.

Are you f*cking kidding
me right now? Honestly?

- What? I'm an adult!
- Honestly.

Hey, Sash. W... what's up?

Uh, too casual, sounds rehearsed.

Hey! Sasha, you work here?

Bro, just say, "Dat ass tho!"

Really? Straight for the butt?

You could also offer to
cut back on the hate crimes.

Okay, I can do that.

Hey, how about, uh, "Girrrl, I'm
gonna let you cook me dinner."

So good. Also, if she
says she's not interested,

just really turn up the heat.

Chicks really respect relentless
shark-like perseverance.

Where you at?

How can I help you today?

I'm, uh, really into
plants and trees and sh*t.

It's kind of my jam.

- Mm, like Pan-ism.
- Exactly.

I'm, uh, particularly fond of... ficus.

Fike-eye? Whatever.

I'm also very fond of you, and
I want you to be my girlfriend.

Um...

You really don't want that.

Oh, I... I really do.

Gabriel...

You don't live on the
streets for almost a year

without accumulating some
serious f*cking damage.

It's just a part of me
now. It always will be.

Well, color me warned.

I'm being serious.

So am I.

I'm 18, and I've never been
asked out on a real date.

Not once.

Maybe we could start there.

- You want to go see a movie?
- Oh, with you? God no.

What? I said I wanted to be asked.

- You're horrible.
- Color you warned.

Can I kiss you now?

If you must.

I'm working!

Yep.

Living it.

And living it.

Neen! I know you're in there.

You know I'm in here?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

What, like, I don't have options?

Or maybe I'm out having
the time of my life,

no longer burdened by
the big ginger albatross.

But you're not, babe,
'cause you're talking to me

from the other side of the
door, and I can see your eyeball.

- f*ck.
- Guess what?

I've got something for you.

What? What is it? Give it.

You got a little...

- little something there.
- God, okay, get over it.

This is what rebirth
looks like for a woman.

- It's glorious.
- Oh.

It's much better now
that you've made me blind.

Wait, no, no, no, no! It was a joke.

Remember, the gift?

Fine. Give it.

Your Hail Mary is S&M?

Read the inscription.

"You will always hold the key."

You make me better, Neen.

I'm nothing without you.

You see, the handcuffs mean

that you'll always have
control of the relationship,

so that even if I get off
on some sort of wild...

Stop mansplaining and turn around.

- What?
- Oh, did I stutter?

Oh! Oh! Ha!

You're gonna punish me, are ya?

I've got a good one.

Why don't you leave me
in bed confused and alone

while you take a good, long shower

and get all that goop
off your face and hair?

That would really show me who's boss.

Mm.

Hmm.

What?

You're a lot of work,
but I'm in love with you.

Me, too.

I mean, with you.

Oh.

I started feeling myself,
and I stopped feeling you,

and that won't happen again, boss.

Oh!

Mm.

Let's see how many ways we
can make you apologize, okay?

- Okay.
- Hmm?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Uh!

David, I swear to God,
I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you.

Did somebody say my name?

I'm sorry I didn't
answer your phone call.

I've got my hands full of your
favorite things in the world.

- But... but...
- Now, listen, I got to be back at the airport

in 10 hours and 37
minutes, which, as you know,

is 10 hours and 27
minutes more than I need.

- You...
- No.

You.

No screaming or swearing?

Not yet.

Well, it's a shame we can't actually
put the babies in here, though.

Very funny. It's only halfway done.

Mm.

You're gonna be an amazing dad.

Why do you guys keep saying that?

Because it's true.

Is everything okay with you?

Yeah.

Because if you don't like
this stuff, any of it,

we can bring it all back.

No. I think it's perfect.

It's Gabe? Did you call Gabe?

Honey, I can do the crib
myself. I'm not a child.

I... I know you can, babe.

I know.

He's not even using the right tool.

- What?
- Mom wants to talk to you.

- Is she invisible?
- Yeah, that's right. She's invisible.

No, she's in the car, and
she wants you to come to her.

- I'm...
- Just shut up.

You think I don't know
how f*cking weird this is?

Just save us both a lot of
time, and just get out there.

All right?

Jackson.

Mother.

So you're a mob boss now?

That's good to know.

Women have always been underrepresented

in the organized crime industry.

I want to tell you how your father d*ed.

He was on a business trip at
the home office in Scottsdale

and got into a car wreck.

That's just the end of the story.

There's more?

You were...

about 10 months old
when the affair started.

Elizabeth McCray, VP of Marketing.

I knew.

He knew I knew.

But that night he
called from Scottsdale,

that was the first time
we ever spoke of it.

First and last.

Your father only knew himself

as the sum of other people's approval.

All the men huddled in the basement,

laughing at his shitty jokes.

And then her.

Maybe it was real.

I mean, 12 years is a long time.

What did he say?

When he called?

He said he was gonna stay there
a while, figure things out...

with her.

I told him we wouldn't be
waiting around for him to decide.

Four days later, they
got in the car wreck.

She made it, he didn't.

Gabe knew?

He was older.

He put some pieces together.

Why didn't you tell me?

I lost him.

Gabe lost him.

You thought he hung the moon.

Didn't see any reason
you had to lose him, too.

But I was wrong.

I let you keep on loving him.

But then I couldn't
help hating you for it.

- We f*cked up.
- Yeah, you did.

I'm...

sorry.

Me too.

Come in.

- Get ready.
- What do you mean?

You'll see.

It is freezing out there,
and neither of you dummies

thought a hot toddy might be in order?

You know one good woman is
better than two shitty ones.

Is she serious?

I never know.

Go!

Okay, who's up for some Euchre?

You got any cards, or are
you all too gay for that?

- So I can leave her here?
- Not a chance. No.