04x05 - Santa Claus Rides Loch Ness Monster Into Atlantis!

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Emma: What's going on at Will and Marty's house?

Oh, that's Binge Club.

Binge Club?

All the stay-at-home parents meet up at Marty's bingeing the latest and greatest TV shows.

And they lived in this kingdom of love forever and ever.

Izzy: One second, I was watching Jack and Emma with the Amari girls, and the next, it was like a...

a home video with their kids.

It was perfect.

They want you in the picture.

I know.

Did you sneak home to nap?

We are doing it all wrong, people!

Two of us need to be able to have s*x without the third one getting their feelings hurt, so come on.

You guys are what is derisively known as "polymonogamists." Polymonogamy?

Please.

So, she gets it, and she wants to make it work.

Does that mean she's happy?

I mean, will she be happy in two, three years?

I don't know, but what can we do?

We can get help.

Are you talking about that poly coach?

Coach Remi, Portland's official poly guru.

Jack: There's no version of what's waiting for us inside that house that isn't incredibly weird.

♪ ♪ Ha, ha!

Hey!

Yeah!

All right!

[Cheers and applause]

Okay!

When I say "Poly," you say "Freedom"!

Poly!

Freedom!

Poly!

Freedom!

When I say "Poly," you say "Love"!

Poly!

Love!

Poly!

Love!

When I say "Poly," you say "Sexually liberated"!

Poly!

Sexually liberated!

Poly!

Sexually liberated!

Yeah!

All right!

[Coughs]

Oh, yes, yes!

Yes!

Well!

Welcome to Poly Training Camp.

[Chuckles]

As we all know, love is a long season, but over the next couple of hours, I'm gonna whip you into shape, okay?

Yes, yes!

Clap for Remi!

Yeah!

[Applause]

Yeah!

Okay.

It's up to me to make the game plan, but it's up to you to execute that game plan, okay?

And if you have any questions, my door is always open.

[Clears throat]

[Quietly]

We talked about this.

Yeah, okay, so "always," of course, meaning only during office hours, all right?

Don't be...

Don't abuse that privilege.

Just, uh, make an appointment with me.

My e-mail is always open.

Okay, let's take a look around here!

Yes, what a nice group of people.

Yeah, it's another big, sold-out session, huh?

They keep jamming it in every week.

Hey, look!

We look like we have a few rookies here tonight!

Welcome!

Whoo!

Yes, give them a little round of applause.

[Applause]

Hi.

Coming down to your level.

Poly Training Camp is a unique and rare opportunity to connect with other like-minded souls who are all committed to loving love.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right?

Look around right now.

Look around.

Yeah, you.

Look around.

Everyone.

Look around.

Say hello with your eyes.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm saying hello with my mouth, but you, just your eyes.

Hello.

These are your teammates, and we all need teammates, right?

'Cause how many of us here have been told by a family member that it's just a phase we're going through?

Huh?

How many people here tonight have been shunned by a coworker or a neighbor?

Yeah.

Me.

Yes, yes.

How many people here tonight have been told by their "cool friends" that they're "totally okay with poly," but then they totally don't seem totally okay with poly, am I right?!

Yeah, and maybe the most important...

how many people here tonight have been made to feel marginalized, diminished, or even invalidated by other alternative lifestyle communities?

Oh!

They tell us poly isn't an identity.

It's just a "scene." You know, they tell us that it can never be more than a hobby because it's "unsustainable." Why are people so threatened by the notion that you can fall in love with more than one person in every sense of that beautiful word?

[Guests murmuring in agreement]

Monogamy is a valid choice, yes, but it's not the only choice!

f*ck yeah!

Woman: Yes!

Mnh.

Right.

I meant, like, freedom!

Freedom and sh1t!

f*ck yeah.

f*ck yeah.

Yes, thank you!

That's the energy I'm looking for!

Give her a round of applause!

[Cheers and applause]

[Laughs]

[Cheers and applause]

Yes!

I'm gonna win Rookie of the Year.

Pace yourself, honey.

♪ ♪ Yeah.

I don't know why, but...

Lala!

Hey, what a surprise.

Is our lawn mowed the wrong direction?

You know, we're a diagonal family, but if it's ruffling feathers...

At ease.

I'm off duty.

I just wanted to introduce you to my out gay son.

Oh, God.

So...

did you give him a name, or do we just call him Outie?

[Chuckles]

I'm...

I'm Alex.

Marty.

Will.

Yeah.

Hi.

I thought it would be nice for him to have some positive role models in the neighborhood.

Why would we be positive role models for Alex?

Wait.

Marty, are you gay?!

No.

[Forced laughter]

Alex, our pre-sexual-cisgender male son, Parker, is up in his room where his lesser father has bought him an Xbox even though he's 4.

So it's basically a doorstop.

Okay.

Uh, bye.

Um, Lala, want to come in?

Uh, okay.

Take a load off, I guess?

[Clears throat]

Um, is there a father in the picture?

Eh, barely.

Tiny, out of focus, somewhere in the deep background.

Could be a bush.

That's got to be rough.

Wow!

So this is where the Binge Club happens!

Well, no, it's just a little excuse for some parental misery-loves-company.

You know, we take turns watching little ones, dissolve our brains with trash TV.

You're not missing anything at all.

Well.

Oh, hey, no, I get it.

Nobody wants to party with the boss.

You consider yourself the boss of the neighborhood.

That's fascinating.

[Sighs]

I know I'm acting crazy, coming over here like this.

That's important...

the knowing.

It's just that Alex has a life of his own now, and, well, pretty soon he'll be off to college, and then my house will feel even bigger and lonelier than...

Oh, my God.

What is wrong with me?

I shouldn't actually answer that, right?

Of course not.

Lala, do you want to watch an episode of "Who We Are"?

Right now?

You mean without all the others?

Y...

y...

Uh, I guess I could...

That's crazy!

He didn't actually say...

He wants to call a special meeting of the Binge Club.

Don't you?

You want to invite everybody.

Polly would birth a cow if we binged without her.

I'll chill the Rosé.

Wh...

Okay, cool.

Can I drink this wine over here?

Marty: Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, let's talk about "The Five Poly Fouls That Will Get You Instantly Ejected." Okay, and these are always available for discussion on my Facebook page.

Please...

You okay?

.. tell your friends, invite your friends, and let's do it, okay?

When I mention a poly foul that you're struggling with, I want you to raise a finger, okay?

Let's keep count.

Let's jump right in.

So, Poly Foul number one.

[Whistle blows]

Secrets!

Okay, if you're gonna be open in love, that also means being open with your thoughts.

Secrets become far, far more toxic when two, three, four, five people are involved, right?

If you're not sharing your truth, that's as bad as lying.

Okay, I guess I'll put up one just to be safe?

Okay, so, let's move on to Poly Foul number two.

[Whistle blows]

Uh, I...

I know this one.

Oh, please, yes.

May I?

It's jealousy, which is the main reason we're here.

Because if these two can't learn to be intimate without me, then it's gonna create tension in other areas of our relationship.

Nailed it.

Yes.

Thank you.

Nailed it.

Just because your partners have s*x or go to the movies or have s*x at the movies without you doesn't mean you're being left out.

Okay, that's two.

Okay?

Poly Foul number three.

[Whistle blows]

Couple's Privilege!

Okay?

This is the original sin, the OG of Poly Fouls, all right?

'Cause when you're adding a new member, the couple reflexively maintains control over the reconfigured relationship.

Trakarskys, I'm looking at you.

Three.

Moving right along here, there's no stopping the Poly Foul train.

So, Poly Foul number four.

[Whistle toots]

Majority Doesn't Rule!

Okay, just because the majority of the partners want something, it doesn't mean it's necessarily right for the union, okay?

It could mean that someone, maybe the unicorn, maybe the minority gender is being railroaded.

I don't know.

What do you guys think?

I mean, I wouldn't say that we're...

Two words...

Hawthorne Heights.

Put it up.

Okay.

We're at...

We're at four, sir.

And, finally, bringing it home with Poly Foul number five, which I like to call "The Deal Breaker." Say it with me when I blow my whistle.

Poly Foul number five is...

[Whistle blows]

All: Polymonogamy!

Yueck!

Oh, dear Lord.

[Guests murmuring]

Looks like the rookies have fouled out.

[Groans]

♪ ♪ Hello!

Carmen, you made it!

You do realize that Emma's not gonna like this, right?

[Chuckles]

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I shouldn't be here.

Well, that is your call, but Lala's son is watching our kids upstairs, which means all you need to decide is where to sit and what to drink.

And I'm in.

Tonight we're gonna be focusing on Couple's Privilege.

Oh, great.

We're the "befores." Yep.

Too frequently, often reflexively and unconsciously, the original couple prioritizes their own goals and desires, which amounts to ganging up on the unicorn, but consequence does not require malice, and the consequences of Couple's Privilege...

[Chuckles]

... they are very real.

The idea is to deconstruct and then reconstruct so that every member of the relationship is equal.

Okay, all my unicorns, up on your feet, please!

Let's go!

As a rookie, I'd just like to observe, if that's okay.

Oh, come on.

Don't be difficult.

Play nice.

Yeah, come on.

Let's give it a sh*t.

I am playing nice.

I'm here.

Come on, babe.

Uh, well, maybe we're Couple's Privilege'ing her right now?

Oh, yeah, I mean, just, you know, sit, stand, fetal position...

whatever you want.

It's...

It's her choice.

Yes, so I will sit.

Well, if...

if that's what you want.

Yeah, I mean, but don't do...

Honestly.

You know, don't do the opposite of what you think we want you to do just to, like, prove a point.

Okay!

Okay.

Wait.

Wait.

Was that a trick?

What?

No.

We wouldn't...

We don't play tricks.

This is...

Whatever you want.

This is your choice.

We don't manipulate.

Freedom of choice.

You know what, because...

because now...

now I'm just f*ckin' confused, so...

Hey, babe, babe.

Close your eyes.

Shh, shh.

Close 'em.

Close 'em.

Close 'em.

Ignore us and just do...

You know, whatever she wants, right?

Maybe I don't want to close my eyes.

Jesus.

Then keep them open.

Keep one shut, one open.

I'm up.

Okay.

Good.

[Applause]

Go, Izzy!

Go, Izzy!

Unicorns, I want you to tell me something.

If you could be any part of your couple's home, what would you be and why?

Let's start with, uh, Erica.

The solarium.

It's sunny and bright, like the perfect morning.

Ahh!

You melt me, Erica!

That's a very good answer, yes.

[Applause]

That's why I do this, yes!

For answers like that.

Okay, so, let's move on to, um, Izzy.

You want me to follow the Perfect Morning Chick?

Come on, man.

Uh...

Fine.

Uh, I don't know.

[Clears throat]

The...

front door.

What'd she say?

What'd she say?

And why did you pick the front door?

Because I was...

Because I was closed before I met Jack and Emma.

There.

No, that's...

Keep going.

Just keep going.

You're doing good.

Nobody could unlock me.

Oh.

Um...

Turns out I needed two keys.

Um, two...

two very specific keys.

To...

open me...

back up.

Um...

[Clears throat]

To feel things that I was scared to feel and t...

to love...

even though I could lose...

and, um...

to open my heart even though it could be broken.

They made me brave.

[Guests "aww"]

Woman: That's really sweet.

And then you closed that door behind you.

W...

what do you mean by that?

You shut the door.

Fermer la porte.

Yeah.

I'm confused, because...

Am I the door, or am I...

am I...

am I the person closing the door?

I'm...

I'm confused.

Please, unicorns, be seated.

Thank you.

I don't understand...

Shh.

I believe there are many doors, many parts of your lives that were revealed and released by your adventure.

But that larger door, the door to your hearts and souls and, yes, your bodies, that door, you closed behind you.

Isn't that right, Jack?

What?

[Chuckles nervously]

I don't know.

I'm just here for the meatballs.

[Laughs]

Not funny.

[Guests murmuring]

Okay, fine, um, I guess we're a closed-door throuple.

[All groaning]

Easy, people.

Nobody d*ed.

Relax.

Yeah, no one d*ed, but it sure seems like you're intent on suffocating your relationship.

I guess that, uh, makes us...

Emma, please don't say it.

Please.

Say it, Emma.

Say it.

Rookie of the Year.

Come on.

We're EJI...

and we are...

polymonogamists.

[Guests gasp]

[Slow clap]

Jack: They're clapping.

That's encouraging.

It's not a good kind of clapping.

That is a very sad kind of clapping.

Stop clapping!

♪ ♪ Whoa!

Oh, sh1t.

Wow.

Wait.

Pause.

[TV clicks]

Who's that woman?

That's Mylie Dugan.

She's the next-door neighbor who turned out to be a Canadian spy.

And her daughter, Skyler, was a cheerleading captain until she had an abortion.

What?!

She had to step down just because she had an abortion?

And then she joined a r*cist, drug-peddling motorcycle g*ng.

Ah.

[TV clicks]

♪ ♪ Don't take the joint, Skyler!

Oh, come on.

Just say no.

Just say no!

She's barely older than my baby!

[TV clicks]

Well, brace yourself, Lala.

Your "baby" is precisely the median age of peak THC ingestion.

Mm-hmm.

I smoked my share at that age.

And you still smoke the exact same share at this age.

Well, that's 'cause I'm exercising my Constitutional rights.

Same.

[Chuckles]

Bob and I had a...

a pretty cool Mayan pipe we bought on vacation.

Eh, we lost it in the fire.

Wait.

You had a fire?

Yeah, just after the divorce in my backyard.

In a large compost bin.

Sadly, almost everything Bob so much as looked at was in there.

Okay, well, maybe Marty and Will could break out their stash.

Oh, no, no, no.

Not with...

Not with Alex just upstairs.

Yeah, we're all tapped anyways.

And the dispensary's closed, so...

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

Nothing.

[Singsong voice]

They're out cold!

[Laughter]

Nobody has any weed?

Shh!

[Softly]

Seriously?

Anyway, yeah, I may know somebody.

We fouled out, and you two don't even care.

Em, come on.

The guy's a failed gym teacher.

How do you fail at being a gym teacher, by the way?

Exactly.

It's pretty dorky.

I mean, you got to admit.

Yeah, well, you have to admit that everything he said was pretty much right on the money.

Thank you, Emma.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, sh...

Um, sorry about the gym-teacher thing.

Ah, it's okay.

[Chuckles]

Maybe they were right.

Maybe I was a little "overzealous." You know, maybe elementary students aren't "emotionally prepared for Krav Maga." Well, I got to say, your Poly Fouls did bring up a lot of stuff that we should be working on, so...

Yeah.

You can think about those first four all you want, but successful polymonogamy will still be Santa Claus riding the Loch Ness Monster into Atlantis.

You can't prove it never happened, but it never happened.

Exactly right.

Crystal clear.

Perfect answer.

That's great.

See?

I mean, it contradicts the very core of polyamory.

Technical foul, a*t*matic ejection.

I'd blow my whistle, but my neighbors hate me.

Well, it seems to be working for us, Coach.

Yeah, maybe we're pioneers.

Maybe.

See, I...

See, I said something, and then Jack said something, so it kind of feels weird with you standing there with your d*ck in your hands making us look stupid.

A, I don't have a d*ck, and, B, we don't always have to agree on everything.

I know that.

Remi: Yes, and that is exactly right, Emma.

Your way is working...

for now.

But polyamory is all about exploring, living your desires, not suppressing them.

Jack and Emma, you stepped outside of your relationship to find a spark, and that spark's name is Izzy.

I'm liking this.

[Chuckles]

So why shouldn't she have the same opportunity to explore?

Yeah, I'm...

I'm not...

We're not so sure about that.

No.

Oh, really?

Is that what you want?

No, no, I...

It's...

not for you to say, right?

'Cause he said with the...

with...

with the whistles.

That's not who we are, though, right?

We're not swingers.

[Guests exclaiming]

Whoa.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Okay.

Did they have the torches and pitchforks a few seconds ago?

Team, I know, it's okay.

Let's just calm down a little bit.

It's a very hurtful and ugly word, but, you know...

What word are you talking about?

"Swinger"?

Jesus!

Okay, hey, hey, hey.

It's okay, it's okay.

[Guests exclaiming]

Jack, by all means, keep saying it till they cook and eat us.

Let's...

Okay, I'm sorry.

Let's let that fade away, turn the temperature down, and maybe it's time for a little unicorn group therapy, hmm?

Besides, it'd be a shame to waste that 1,800 bucks, right?

No refunds.

No refunds.

Oh, f*ck me.

I forgot about that.

You know what?

I'm gonna eat all the meatballs you guys have in here.

Oh, my God.

Oh, boy.

Again with the meatballs.

The meatballs are gone!

Great.

We're gonna talk about group s*x in their adolescent daughter's room.

Feeling good, yeah.

Is anyone else retracing every turn that led here?

Or it's just me?

I wanted to go to the Caribbean for our anniversary.

Cool, cool, cool.

I was just asking.

But Scott and Max booked a ski trip to Vail!

Oh, sh1t.

I almost broke my ankle.

Ohh.

Stepping off of a barstool in the lodge.

[Voice breaking]

It was so horrible.

I don't know.

Does a...

does a vacation in Vail really qualify as... ?

So they knew you...

you hated skiing?

Oh, I don't hate skiing.

Oh.

Okay.

If I may be so bold, did they also pay for this vacation that haunts your soul?

Exactly.

Why do we always have to be the ones who have to compromise?

Nope, not an "exactly" situation.

At all, is it?

We should rehearse a play.

Yeah.

And make our lovers understand how selfish they're being.

That's a good idea.

Absolutely not.

A, this isn't the Catskills, and that's never, ever happening, and, B, have you guys ever heard of the phrase...

What is it?

Oh, yeah.

"First-world problems." So you're saying you've never felt pressured by your lovers' decisions?

Hmm.

A little, I guess.

Like, the three of us buying a house in their old neighborhood, I guess.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh.

Okay, s...

so maybe I feel like...

[Dramatically]

my lovahs railroaded me just...

just a smidge...

just a smidgen.

You don't need to say "lovers" like that.

I think I do.

It's fun.

Man: It seems unfair for you to have to pay for their house.

What happens when you want to have your own primary relationship one day?

Oh, well, it's...

it's...

it's our house.

We...

We're gonna raise our kids, 'cause we're gonna share custody, yeah.

And it is my primary relationship.

You know, till death do us part.

Ah-ah!

Ah!

Yeah.

Hmm.

So it's their neighborhood.

Mm-hmm.

He's the biological dad.

Well, I don't know.

Just kidding.

He is.

And, uh, she's the biological mom.

Mm-hmm.

So what are you exactly?

H...

he means, like, besides stuck?

Uh...

Ooh!

[Laughs]

And that, ladies, is the one and only way to make a proper Old Fashioned.

Ooh, ooh, I'll have s*x on the beach.

[Giggles]

But hold the beach.

[Chuckles]

Get it?

'Cause I'm saying I want you to give me s*x.

[Laughter]

I'm saving myself for marriage.

Then how 'bout I propose a red-eye to Vegas, a quickie wedding, and then all your dreams come true?

Assuming all you dream about is hungover, puffy, middle-aged moms.

[Both laughing]

Well, I dream of little else.

[Both gasp]

All right, so, what now?

Should we talk about what we learned?

Uh, yeah, it was all kinds of hypocritical.

The end.

How's that?

Well, they say poly's supposed to be no rules and no restrictions, and they make up a bunch of rules and restrictions.

I know, right?

We should do it our way.

I mean, f*ck 'em!

Not you guys.

Yeah.

Um, you guys are cool.

Awesome!

Yep.

See you at the next soirée.

Yeah, well, we might need to talk more about this, but not tonight, 'cause tonight I have other plans.

Is she trying to seduce us?

I hope so.

We better hurry before she changes her mind.

♪ ♪ Are you God?!

[Giggles]

"The Stoned Housewives of Hawthorne Heights." [Chuckles]

Copyright!

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna be so f*ckin' rich.

[Both giggling]

At least you don't process THC like a toddler.

Hey, do you ever feel like you're a supporting character in their TV show?

Jack, Emma, and Izzy?

Like, that's your life?

Oh, God.

Oh, God, you're right.

We're the besties, you and me.

We only exist so that they can externalize their feelings.

What do we do?

I don't know!

I don't know!

Maybe...

Maybe, uh, a spinoff!

♪ Nina ♪ ♪ Mm, mm, that's my Nina ♪ ♪ Doo, do, doo-doo-doo, doo, that's my Nina ♪ What are you doing?

I'm just singing my theme song.

It's empowering.

[Chuckles]

So you're stealing my girl, huh?

Well, not you specifically, but this place, this...

[Whispering]

"Hawthorne Heights." I'll make sure you feel welcome here.

♪ ♪ Aww.

Mm.

And I'll make sure you feel welcome there.

♪ They're Carmen and Nina ♪ ♪ And we do what we want ♪ ♪ Bee-nee-nee ♪ ♪ Nothin' gonna stop 'em now ♪ [Insects chirping]

Feels strange, right?

Very.

But we can do it.

Yeah, we can.

For Em.

♪ ♪ Honey, are you sure?

Are you sure it's okay?

Depends.

On what?

Are you two ready to get it on without me?

♪ ♪ Sure.

Yeah.

I think we're good.

♪ ♪ Well, that's all I needed to hear.

♪ ♪ So the s*x slump's over?

Mm-hmm, but not because we're subscribing to any arbitrary bullshit rules.

It's just because I think it's really hot to watch you get it on.

[Chuckles]

♪ To pull the curtains over you ♪ ♪ Waiting for truth ♪ ♪ When you've come this far ♪ ♪ It's gonna hit you real hard ♪ ♪ There's not a moment in your life ♪ ♪ That didn't get you where you are ♪ ♪ Gotta pause and restart it all ♪ ♪ In a better life ♪ ♪ 'Cause when you've come this far ♪ ♪ It hits you real hard ♪