03x06 - If We Make It Through December

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Wynonna Earp"...

John Henry Holliday, ma'am.
Boyfriend?

- Oh...
- I'm a vampire.

- She's my wife.
- You're married!

I don't like you at all.

Waverly is schtupping a cop.
Her name's Nicole.

- The one available guy in town.
- Are you? Available?

Well, I've been covering this sh*t up

for too long.

I'm tired of it.

- What is that?
- Bulshar's ring.

That was fealty. She's gone now.

Your sister is blessed.
Her real father is an angel.

An honest-to-god angel.

Rock cover of "Deck the Halls".

If only it were socially acceptable
to wear this all year round.

'Sup.

Who's up for some rum n' eggnog -
hold the nog.

Play one of the best new FPS sh**t,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK

Come on. It can't be that bad.

Oh!

OK, wait. I've got something that'll help.

There. Now you're fully elfed.

I feel like I should knight you
with a candy cane.

Whoa, whoa.

We're good for trees, hon.

Well, with all due respect, ma'am,
the season demands the genuine article.

Are you questioning
my festive decorating ability?

We just banished a demon from this house.
Last thing we need is mites.

It's a whole thing.

I'm ready to get my Kringle on.

But, Nedley really does make
the perfect Santa, right?

He's got a certain je ne sais jolly
that you lack, honey.

And so where's that leave me then?
Legolas for life?

I know. It's not fair
that you're always elf-cast.

It's not fair. But it sure is cute.

Well, that's not canon.

It's that time of the year.

Oh, what are you...?

That's no angel.
We've always used this.

Not always.
I mean, after you left.

Can I please, please just give you two
the Christmas I always wanted?

Prison Christmas was tough.

Our eggnog was scrambled.

I guess the menstru-angel
can go back in the box.

Thank you, Wynonna.

Oh. My yams need to be mashed

and by the looks of it, so do you.

OK.

Go on, go chase down that tree
touting hunk of Holliday cheer.

It's Christmas.

I'm not calling Doc.

And I don't need to get laid.
That's for damn sure.

Purgatory Fire needs your help.

Give back this holiday season.

Santa's knees are a little fragile,
so there isn't gonna be any lap-sitting.

But you can still tell me what you want.

How about you, son?

What would you like to have
under your tree? Selena Gomez.

Aren't you a little old for this?

Santa? Santa, wait!

OK, son, joke's over. Wait. Tim?

Santa wait! Santa! Santa!

Santa!

Tim!

Tim!

Tim!

Santa!

Tim?

Santa?

Help me!

- Whoa.
- Help! Help me!

Help! Oh my god!

Bye.

Bye cutie.

Are those your ears
or are you just happy to see me?

Yeah, don't, OK?

There's rum in it.
And you're gonna need it.

It's crazy having her back here.

Yeah, as crazy
as we thought she was last week.

Do you think she's OK now?

Don't leave her alone today.

I won't. I want to be here. With her.

And I have to dig around
for the menstru-angel.

Oh, no-go. Mama's not a fan
of our blessedly absorbent friend.

- What?
- I know.

I didn't know they were tampons
when I made it.

I can convince Mama.

Waves. There's something else. Um...

It's about your father.

My dad was an angel? Like an angel.

Oh, god. Angels don't exist.

sh*t.
Oh, I'm hyperventilating...

How could he be an angel?

Would you be an angel and tell me
where you two keep the cranberry sauce.

Nobody actually eats it.

Hey! It's not Christmas
without cranberry sauce.

So one of you better get some, pronto.

And you're gonna need to dig through this to
see if you can find anything worth saving.

Guys! We need to talk about this, OK?

Wait...

Did you just go out
and slaughter a wild turkey?

Like I'm gonna feed my girls store bought.

No, you can't avoid this with giblets.

Even really gross giblets.

You. You're my miracle baby.

And what better time of year to tell her
about it than JC's birthday?

Please, Mama. I've been waiting
long enough. Who is my father?

Fine. OK. Pull up a chair.

Oh my god, this is happening.

We were in love. His name was Julian

and he was everything Ward wasn't.
He was kind. Honest. Sober.

Until he left without sayin' goodbye.

Still, I don't regret the affair.

Especially because nine months later
I got my Waverly.

You were born out of love, sweetie.

The kind of love
that ditches a pregnant woman?

And you never tried to find him?

Kind of had my hands full with the demon
that arrived after you were born.

A demon that we b*at, together.

I don't feel like an angel.

I guess Bobo could have been lying.

Bobo Del Rey?
Is that son of a bitch still around?

He was there the night you were born.

What? Hewas?

Yes.
Oh man, I gotta go. Kid went missing.

On Christmas?
Well, go. Bring them home.

I plan to.

Please. Please, Mama.

No. I just want to spend
the night with my girls.

I don't wanna get lost
in the ghosts of Christmas past.

I just wanna eat some turkey.

I'm vegan.
You're already a lesbian.

Speaking of which,
is Nicole going to join us for dinner?

Yes. And uh...

maybe I could invite Dad too?
Got his number?

No. I don't. But if either of you
two know where Bobo is

maybe you could ask him.

I'm assuming that he's still
the same son of a bitch that he was

when I used to know him?
Oh yeah. He's a total sh*t.

No, no, no, no. Out. Out.
And get rid of the needles in the hallway.

I can already feel the vice
tightening up around my sinuses.

Well, it was intended as a festive gesture.

Hoping to brighten up the place.

Oh, yeah, I'm not feeling
very festive right now.

Is that why you got rid of your moustache?

Maybe you need to find yourself a handsome
gentleman to get into the spirit with?

No. Eh, my mood
has nothing to do with guys, OK?

I pass the Bechdel test
with flying colours.

A whole rainbow of them.

- What?
- Exactly.

Look, it's been my experience
that romantic entanglements...

they can alleviate all types of stressors.

OK, well we don't all have

a "Black Friday standing outside
of Best Buy" amount

of people fawning over us.

OK, I am trying here, Jeremy,
but these references...

Rosita. Kate the vampire.
Wynonna freaking Earp.

I couldn't even get
one dude to call me back.

Robin didn't call?

He didn't call.

May I give you some well-worn advice?

Be direct. Ask for what you want.

It is Christmas, after all.

Thanks, Doc.

OK.

Be direct. Be direct. OK.

Your name?

Timothy.

Your family name?

McBlake.

Oh dear.
I'm afraid you made the naughty list.

No! No! Don't put me in there! No!

Guys, I completely understand
your concern.

Really, I promise,
we are doing the best that we can.

I'll be right with you. Just one sec.

What, no marshmallows?
Not like there's a kid missing, huh.

Alright. Hang in there.

It's bad, OK? He's taking it really hard,
because he was there when it happened.

- When what happened?
- That's what we'd like to know!

Just keep walking, back towards the road.
Charlie can fill you in on the rest.

Charlie?

Just calm down.

We need to get this kid back.

It's Christmas.

Totally.

Uh, hi. Wynonna Earp.

Charlie. Fire services.

That's your last name?

OK.

I mean, it's way too much for a kid.

It's staged to make it look like he's dead.
So, really...

totally acceptable environment
in which to make jokes.

It could be animal for all we know.

Yeah, like that Sherlock story.

Bunch of blood turned out to be from a dog.

I'll take it to my guy for testing.
You have a guy?

Uh... just part of my team.

You have a team?

A whole posse, actually.

Whoa! Look out!

Uh, thanks.

It's not usually my thing being saved.
I do the saving.

I saw the branch. Took action...

This strain shouldn't grow this far north.

You into trees too?

Fire hall library had
some books on arborism.

- Now...
- Thanks.

About this team.

Yo, Nerdzilla.

Oh. Aw, you brought me coffee.

Inside. We need it tested.

If it's fresh, if it's human...
Full science guy mark up.

Oh yeah sure, OK.
I'll call my blood splatter analyst

behavioural profiler
and Helen Mirren to see what's up.

You're gonna have to forgive
his Ebenezer-esque demeanour.

He is still smarting
from a romantic disappointment.

OK. A kid is missing. And we don't
talk about Helen Mirren in that tone.

- OK.
- Waves.

I need you to check a last name, McBlake

and cross-reference it with the VIP
townspeople the vamps were after.

McBlake? Tim McBlake?

Yeah, no, their family's
been in Purgatory forever.

I think they were originally prospectors.

Great. Thanks. How's Mum?

Elbows deep in turkey guts, yeah.

I should get back to her.

OK.

Old family, so this is most likely Bulshar.

What? Who-shar?

He's just a... a guy.

Huge d*ck. He is a huge d*ck,
I don't know about his size down there.

It's probably an innie. Uh.
He's not super great.

He is a fellow who holds a grudge
against this town

and all those who have lived in it
longer than a few weeks.

So the kid that was taken is from a family
that's been in Purgatory for decades.

Wait, Robin's family too!

He mentioned that his dad would never gonna
leave town because they've been here forever.

It means I wasn't ghosted! My date
was just kidnapped by Bulshar, maybe!

Huzzah.

- Go test the blood.
- Yes.

Hey Doc, we need to find someone
who knows more

about why Bulshar
was going after first families.

- That's a good idea.
- Thank you.

You think you know anyone like that?

Large incisors?
Someone you married one time?

Yes, we may speak with my wife.

You guys are wild.

You finally came.

Doc Holliday.
And Wyatt's great-granddaughter.

You're missing a great, Kate.
Not an intentional rhyme.

We're on a clock, plus I don't need
an invitation to enter places.

Doc, too, can enter wherever he wants.

We are here for information
on the vampire pack.

I will provide whatever I can.
OK.

So what's the deal with Otto
and company's whole VIP thing?

All we knew was to separate the descendants
of the first families of Purgatory

from all the residents.

And we couldn't k*ll any.
Bulshar needed them.

For what?

That I don't know.

Bullshit.

Wynonna, please go easy.
She's obviously gone through a lot.

She'd been taken by vampires.
Turned into one. She's a victim.

I am the same as the day I met you.

You mean to tell me?

Queen of the Damned,
meet King of the Dense.

The vamp was calling from inside the house.

Why didn't you tell me?

I did. Many times.

"Doc, I'm a vampire." "Doc, I drink blood".
"Doc, let me bite you".

Yeah, I thought that was role play.

Gag reflex getting swole over here.
You don't remember.

Do you not remember
how much opium we would smoke?

Wouldn't be good opium if I could.

And it's why I never had - or never
could have - photos taken.

And why I got my girl Sally to pose
as the outlaw, Big Nose Kate.

You said that was so the law
could not identify you.

Or because vampires
can't be captured on film.

Pretty smart, Big Nose.

Nicknamed after my specialty in
the boudoir. I was famous for it.

So why did you leave when I got sick?

I couldn't bear to see you like that.
And then I got word you d*ed.

So I reunited
with my undead family in Europe.

Not a day went by
I didn't think of you, though.

The nights that turn into mornings,
our bodies. The passion.

OK, I officially gonna need a bucket,
great chat, you two.

I also was a friend of Wyatt's, Wynonna.
I could be of some service.

Uh, no new team members. But thanks.

Enjoy squatting
in my friend's house. That's cool.

You forgot this the other night.

Was that really necessary?

It's her friend's house?

She'll warm up to you.

And what about you?
When will you warm up?

She may not need you, Doc, but I do.

You seem to think I'm an angel.

Tell me about the night I was born.

Oh...

that was a happy day.

I was on a dig when I heard screaming
coming from the Gibson greenhouse.

It was Michelle.

He should be here. He should be here.
He should be here. Where's Julian?

He needs to protect her.

If you hurt her, I'll... I swear...

Please. Please... Save the baby.

Save Waverly.

Waverly?

I knew when I saw you

when I heard your name. You were different.

Michelle had lost a lot of blood.

She passed out. And so I took you.

To him.

Ward!

Ward Earp.

What the hell do you want?

This is for you.

Get that thing away from me. It's not mine.

You will take this baby.

You will care for it
and if I find out you've hurt this angel.

I will come for you. And I...
will k*ll you.

You're my hero, Bobo. Or at least
you sure make yourself seem like one.

But you're leaving out one
important detail. Yeah, what's that?

You just coincidentally end up
at the greenhouse

the night my Dad goes missing?

Missing for some.

What?

You know where Julian is?

Is he still in the Triangle?

Alive?

Storytime's over, little girl.

That's information you get
when I find myself topside.

If there's one thing
I've learnt in this life...

Yeah?
It's that I'm done playing your games.

You're right, Bobo.
Storytime's over.

No...

Hold up.

What, gonna tell me about that time

you had a three-way
with Amelia Earhart and Laura Ingalls?

Wynonna!

It is bad luck to refuse
a kiss underneath the mistletoe.

Are you waiting for one or are you
offering? The offer is always there.

Maybe you should stick to kissing your wife.
I have not been with her in a century.

Oh, so your Kn*fe was at her place
because your dishwasher was broken?

It is not my jam to be the other woman.

Dammit, Wynonna, you are not
the other woman. You're...

another woman.

What does that mean?

It means, she was my wife.
And now you're...

someone I've shared
something even greater with.

More than just romance. We had a baby...

Isn't it time that we stopped being scared
and starting being honest with one another?

Honestly? I don't know what to do with you.

You could admit that you love me.

Let's just get back to work.

I was right there and I couldn't save him.

I froze. I never freeze.

You've been cooped up in here all day.

The kid's not the only one missing.
We really need you out there.

Why? There's nothing we can do.
We got no money, we got no clue...

We got help.
People don't just disappear, even here.

We should have a whole team
combing those woods.

What's the point? To bring them home?

To Purgatory?

Where bad things just happen?

Nicole, a couple weeks ago
I saw vampires bite Lonnie's head off

and the next night I binge-watched
an entire season of Pretty Little Liars

like nothing ever happened.

But this...

something changed in that tree
lot and I can't snap out of it.

You have to. You're the Sheriff.

Tim!

Tim!

Tim!

Tim!

Tim!

Tim! Tim!

No! No!

Watch. Just as your ancestors
watched my final moments.

Wait, so you're saying he's alive?

Well, the vampires cannot k*ll
the first families, this much we know.

So the boy, yes, Robin, could be.

Yes, but we still need to figure out
where Bulshar is keeping them.

Did the petals help?

They don't grow in the forest
or anywhere, naturally, around here.

But they are one of many fragrant flowers
that are often planted near factories

that produce noxious odours.

Like at a butcher shop?

- Remember that blood you found in the forest?
- Yeah, yeah I do.

Well, it wasn't from a kid.
It was from pigs.

I saw Carrie, I know what's up.

Isn't there an abattoir off of rural road 3?
Yeah, and the smelting plant on highway 12.

Or the hog farm on Wellburne?

Alright then, let's saddle up.
Abattoir first?

Why go together? Time is crucial, right?

Because it's dangerous.
I don't need protecting.

What's important is we check each place
and then radio for help

once we confirm our
people are there, right?

If that's what you want.

Tiny Tim. Your great-great-great
grandfather betrayed me.

Did you know that? The other families
betrayed me too. They disgust me.

You disgust me.

Is that why he sold me out to Wyatt Earp?

Why he gave him the keys to the sheriff's
office so they could ambush me?

So I could end up in the ground
for a century?

I'm next. It's my turn.

Jett. The milliner.

You and I are going to do this
or what, cue ball?

Now...

later.

No! No!

Death has come for all of you.

It's OK, dude. It'll be alright.
It's gonna be alright.

Super duper locked?

What are you doing here?
Jeremy texted me the address.

Huh.

Oh come on? Don't you think you'd know
if I was supernatural by now.

Who said anything about supernatural?

The k*ller branch? The guy we're chasing
whose name is "Bulshar".

Don't exactly get that
from a baby-name book.

Still. Humour me.

Okey-dokey. You are just a man.

Just a man. Standing in front of a marshal.

Asking her to let him help
her rescue a bunch of people.

Chains around both doors.
Any chance you brought a big old fire axe?

I did. And I've got a big hose.

Dubstep cover of "Jingle Bells".

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.

Ho, ho, hold my calls while I kick
some honeycomb ass.

- Who are you talking to?
- I'm not sure.

Good. Thanks for your help.

My pleasure. It's what I do.

Yeah, yeah, I get it. You save people.

Where were you with a pun
or one-liner when I could have used one?

Thanks. How about like, uh:

"You think I could bee a keeper"?

Maybe leave the wit to Wynonna, huh?

Yeah, fair enough.

- My dude.
- Alright. Now...

where's the big guy?

Bulshar got out.

- Let's get you guys cleaned up.
- Yeah.

Oh, mum.

Looks like Santa came early this year.

And for once Mrs Claus wasn't like
"what about me?"

Maybe not the right vibe.

You're right.
Premature e-jokeulation on my part.

You shaved the 'stache.

Yeah, I thought you didn't like it.

No, I got kidnapped by zombie bee keepers.

Oh, yeah. That was my second guess.

I mean, you wouldn't have ghosted
if you weren't kidnapped, right?

Totally cool if you would have,
I just wanna read the signals.

I just wanna try something.

- So.
- Yeah.

Christmas dinner at my place?
Yeah, I'd love to. But... my family...

Oh no yeah, yeah. Of course.
But how about Boxing Day?

Leftover tofurkey burritos it is.
Alright.

Well good teamwork there, buddy.

Like, I'm on the team?
Well, you're team adjacent.

And that depends if you rat me out.
For what?

This.

Hey.

So. You were a good elf today.
Better than good.

I'm just glad everybody's safe.

And I was a bad Santa.

And not the "funny" kind
where Santa blasphemes a whole lot.

I was bad at my job.

Hey, no, it happens to all of us...
Not to me.

And it's not gonna happen again.

Do I get to be Santa next year?

No. No, Nicole.

I'm retiring.

Nobody leaves this table
until you pop a button.

Mmm, yum.

So are you OK, or...?
You said you were gonna call if...

Oh, Charlie was there. It's fine.

So that is that, then?

I can't believe we're all together
for Christmas!

Most of us.

Hey, to...

To fallen comrades.

To the brave.

Oh! To Sheriff Nicole Haught.

Nikki Nikki Nine Door! Come on.

OK. Nicole is fine.

To not getting ghosted.

Hey-oh.

To the re-appearance of Jeremy's upper lip.

You look, you look handsome.

Excuse me. I have to go.

On Christmas?

This is the part
where you go after him, numbnuts.

Found the gravy boat! You're not going
anywhere before we have more turkey.

No, ma'am.

Michelle, this is delicious. Thank you.

Well, thank you, Nicole.

And thank you
for making my Waverly so happy.

I've always known she was an angel.

Maybe I should have made Bobo
tell me where Dad is?

You know, I could have sh*t him
in the knee cap...

No. You shouldn't have.
Because you focussed on what was here.

Around this table.

You made this your family.

I look around and I am so...

I'm so damn proud
about what you two girls created.

I wasn't there,
but you made this your family.

This family ain't perfect.
And that's what's so great about it.

You know, you should just uh,
fill up the sink. Just to save water.

That way...

You want to give the dishes
a dirty bath? Uh uh.

Right.

Guess they didn't screen an inconvenient
truth at the mental institution.

Which is fair.

What is important to me today
is saving you some time.

You are officially dismissed.
Go after your man.

My baby daddy is married to a vampire.

That's a Harlequin I'd read.

And I still don't think I deserve him.

Of course you do.

Wynonna, don't settle like I did.

We can find Julian if you want.

Yeah, we can put Peacemaker on Bobo
and make him tell us everything he knows.

But wherever he is, the fact is
he ditched you the day you gave birth.

So, you know, if we find
him, I've got words.

You've got us now, Mama.

I'm just going to go out for a bit.

Not going to say where I'm going
or to see who or to do what.

You're a grown woman, you make up
your own mind now. We all do.

Love you, Mama.

That was fun.

Was it?

No, it was awful.
Thought you'd be more freaked out.

This town's got a bit of a reputation.
Besides, we saved them.

There will be more.
But, what am I gonna do, give up?

Lie down and scream while I wait?

Unless someone makes me.

Your ability to shift from one
inappropriate thought to the next...

It's a gift.

It's really something.

Is this you flirting?
I mean... sure.

Bad breakup?

Massive trust issues, too.

Well, I like a challenge.

No strings. I can't do that right now.

Does that work? Let's find out.

You shouldn't have told
Waverly those things.

Oh hi, Michelle.

I brought you some dinner.

Nothing comes free from Earp women.

You know where he is? Julian?

What's in it for me?

Too much tryptophan.

Trypto-what now?

Fantastic. Baby. What's going on?

Well...

I wanted to say sorry for earlier.
I was preoccupied with my own stuff

you know, that I couldn't
properly celebrate your big news.

So, Sheriff Nicole Haught.

Let me make it up to you.

♪ I love you love you love you
more each year ♪

♪ They could strip away the cheer,
I'd still be standing here ♪

Do you hate it?
No, I don't hate it. Of course I don't.

OK here, put that on.

- How's this?
- Good.

♪ Oh you gave me gave me gave me
the greatest gift ♪

♪ I can strike it off my list,
I no longer need to wait ♪

What do you mean, he att*cked you?

Not him. I fought them off.

His beekeepers?

Came to collect fealty, I gather.

You are going to be fine.

If he finds out who I am...

I'm here now.

You are, aren't you?

I need you, Doc.

Say that again.

I need you so bad it hurts.

I will do anything in my power to help you.

Anything?

There is one thing
that can cure this affliction.

The only thing.
But there's a cost to being a saviour.

It would make me immortal again.

Oh, but we can't do that.
You're happy here. With these people.

You belong with them, not with my kind.
Cut the sh*t, Countessa.

Are you sure? Stop pretending...

that this isn't what you came here for.

You might feel a prick.

Merry Christmas to me.