03x12 - w*r Paint

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Wynonna Earp...

Hey.

Hi...

Miss Wynonna Earp.

Make me the lieutenant.

You want me to beg?

Waverly: I raised someone from the dead.

I'm here to save humanity.

I need to climb those stairs.

This whole thing is an Apocaly-tunity.

Waverly: He's Julian.

He's my father.

We need to get Peacemaker.

Mr.

Del Ray.

Sheriff Clootie.

Bulshar wants to keep us hating each other.

That way we can't come together and take out our real enemy: him!

So what do you say?

Anybody wanna go break a g*dd*mn curse?

I f*cking loved hunting and k*lling you all.

From the moment I first fired Peacemaker...

really fired it...

and sent my first Revenant back to hell, Malcolm...

d*ck.

I knew it was what I was meant to do.

Even if it was supposed to be someone else...

my sister, Willa...

the Earp heir was gonna be me.

I've never said it out loud to anyone before: The only thing I've ever been any good at is k*lling.

But I'm willing to give it up.

I am willing to go back to being...

...not much of anything.

A woman with stellar hair...

shout-out to Jarvis for the ringlets...

a tired liver, a loaded last name, and...

...this land.

Land that, as a show of faith, I'm also willing to share.

Like we've been forced to share this curse.

You were criminals and...

outlaws, and I don't know what you'll become...

...when we take down the snake who made us what we are.

But I know we'll be free.

Oh, yeah!

[All cheering]

Gonna take that as a "Yes, Queen!" So we get ready.

And we fight.

And we end Sheriff Clootie once and for all.

Revenant 1: Yeah.

Revenant 2: Alright, let's go!

Together.

[Cheering]

But first...

we bourbon!!!

[Cheering]

[Laughter]

"I have not come here to bring peace"...

...

"but a sword." You...

[Crackling]

[Bulshar chuckling]

He wasn't mortal.

Righteous.

And neither am I.

Not yet.

It's such a beautiful moon.

Go have some fun.

Oh...

and slaughter every last one of them.

And you, Lieutenant...

...bring what I need to ascend.

Bring me Earp bitch blood.

[Theme music]

♪ 'Cause I gave you ♪ ♪ all I got to give ♪ ♪ I know that ain't no way to live ♪ ♪ I told that devil ♪ ♪ To take you back ♪ ♪ I told that devil to take you back ♪ [Sighing]

Where are you?

Wynonna.

What the hell?!

Are you mad?

Can't be.

I'm happy to see your face.

Oh, God.

I'm glad you're here if it's going down.

I'm yelling timber.

[Sighing]

Hi, Miss Waverly.

Keith's here.

Mm-hmm.

Keith the Revenant.

There's a whole bunch more in the house.

Okay...

Like, most of the Revenants.

Yep.

I have an army of Revenants now.

Cool, cool, cool.

You seem oddly unfazed.

Oh, God, I feel like I can top that.

I may not be pissed at you, but Charlie was supposed to have you out of the Ghost River Triangle by now.

Charlie was supposed to be a lot of things.

Instead...

he's my father.

Wynonna...

I know it's a lot.

He has wings.

Jeremy: I'm a feather.

I am a plant.

I am a gust of wind.

I am a feather.

I am a plant.

I am a gust of wind.

I'm a...

Hey.

Any sign of a Bobo?

No, not even a Bo.

Are you Zen yet?

I am a feather.

I am a plant.

I am a gust of wind.

I am freaking out right now, because...

I'm just procrastinating.

You know, I should be using this arm to figure out how to stop the big bad, but I'm gonna fail, like I failed Dolls and everyone else and...

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Oh, yes.

Okay, you're my personal meditation app.

You can double-tap me anytime.

Ah, maybe later.

Thanks, Jett.

Ah, no big.

It's in my best interest that you stop the apocalypse, and you need to be calm to do that, so...

Okay, okay.

Okay, so...

Bulshar is organic and a snake, so...

maybe he's poisonous like the widow wives were, and I can make some sort of anti-venom and...

Whoa.

Doc.

You okay?

Yeah, but...

he's not.

Yeah, but we gotta keep going.

My ex-boyfriend Charlie...

is your father, Julian.

Yep.

Oh, hose job, this is gonna k*ll Mama.

It's not Mama I'm worried about.

Mm...

Mama's not here.

Mm.

Neither is Doc.

Oh, yeah, um...

Doc...

is...

...not okay.

Did he sleep with Charlie and...

Julie too?

No.

Doc k*lled Charlie.

Uh-huh.

Then I resurrected him with the ring, and, uh...

well, then Doc tried to k*ll him again.

But how does my hair look?

Wynonna...

Please.

What can I possibly say?

[Stammering]

Bulshar's about to get into the Garden of Eden...

...and do something to destroy humanity.

I don't have my magic g*n, that can k*ll my demonic enemies, who are currently in my kitchen, so...

finding out that I shtupped my sister's dad...

Perspective.

It's a good look on you.

And if it's all gonna end, whatever he did...

...I need to find Doc.

My Doc.

Yeah.

I need to find Nicole.

And you know your hair looks great.

I know, but is it end-of-the-world great?

Oof.

Still hurts, huh?

Not as much as losing my man.

You mean the vampire who left you for dead?

Oh, he didn't think I'd die.

And I didn't, thanks to you.

You're kinda judgey for a Capricorn.

Yeah, well, I'm also a cop, so forgive me if I don't find the bad-boyfriend dance amusing.

Like you're not ruled by tu coneja.

Okay, yes, I admit it, I'm a little worried about my girlfriend due to impending apocalypse.

So clingy.

Okay, seriously, where the frig is Waverly?

Sorry.

Just...

really like her.

Never apologize for love, Red.

Not to me.

Waverly's with Wynonna.

Good, but she's supposed to be with Charlie.

The one with the sweet blood.

She's not with him, but...

of him.

Bulshar's minions!

You couldn't have seen this coming?!

Ah!

Damn, girl, you sure you're not a Scorpio?

Ah!!

♪ ♪ [Sighing]

Honey, I'm home.

Also, I despise honey.

Mercedes?

You're welcome.

They look like big dongs, but they're actually giant pussies.

Who is that?

I'm Kate.

I live here.

Then we gotta talk rent and redecorating.

I gotta go.

Yeah, you should.

Because Bulshar will have released his little bee boys on all of Wynonna's friends.

They've got one, so they'll be coming after the others.

I should know, I'm kind of married to him.

It's a whole thing.

[Nicole groaning]

I mean, if you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just...

a flesh wound.

That smells like vanilla-dipped donuts.

Okay, so she's a vampire?

Yeah.

Can you take care of her?

She can't fully heal until night falls.

Which it won't, due to the pledge moon.

Not unless Team Earp defeats him.

Go.

Okay?

She tries to bite me, she gets slapped.

I kinda like her.

Be safe, okay?

Okay, yeah, I-I-I think I got it.

I think I actually figured it out.

I knew you'd crush this.

[Jeremy laughing]

What...

what are you wearing?

Oh, Nedley had a drawer full of backup shirts, and this one was, you know, the least-stained.

What, you went to get coffee and you came back The Heat?

Did I not mention Nicole sort of deputized me?

[Clatter]

Wait.

I am, uh, I'm dating a cop?

Did you just say you know how to make the anti-venom?

Uh, yeah, well...

Why so nonchalant, big-brain?

This is huge.

You should be...

chalant!

No, I mean, I've figured out how we can navigate the sporey forest unseen by the beekeepers.

It's just gonna take four months to synthesize, and I don't know...

Move!

Move?

Move!

[Exclamations]

[Panting]

No way are they shoving a big, nasty seed in me this time.

Why aren't they attacking?

Just stopped, dammit, for a couple of spare shirts, and you dingle-dangles had to ruin everything.

[Cocking]

You boys, you go ahead and duck.

[Exclamations]

[Groaning]

Okay, breathe, Haught.

[Wincing]

Get your panties out of your buns.

[Groaning]

Ah...

Turns out getting stabbed really hurts.

[Groaning]

Of all the jerks in all the...

gin joints in all the...

No wings?

No, I only whip them out when I need 'em.

They're like windshield wipers.

Or condoms.

Yeah.

Um...

So...

Charlie...

No, it's Julian.

Wynonna, I did...

I did not know.

I did not remember until Waverly touched me with this.

So you're an angel.

I am.

Tasked with guarding the garden eons ago.

I watched humanity flourish...

...get tempted and fall, all at the hands of a snake.

Bulshar.

He wants back in it.

Well, it's Paradise.

Or so they say.

You've never been inside?

I never left my post.

Until I did for your mother.

I truly loved her.

[Laughing]

This just gets better and better.

Juan Carlo went first, when we saw that Bulshar had returned to the Ghost River Triangle.

He disguised himself as a padre and we removed the garden's security system...

a flaming sword...

and we sought a champion to wield it.

A mortal champion.

Wyatt Earp.

He was brave and true.

Didn't quite finish the job, though, did he?

No.

I suspect he was in a rush.

To see his best friend one last time before he d*ed.

It runs in the family.

Just...

tell me you'll do whatever it takes so Waverly won't have to...

Officer Haught.

Oh, my God, Nicole.

[Crying out and gasping]

Go get Waverly.

[Nicole moaning]

Doc!

I am not permitted in the house, remember?

You're f*cking permitted!

I'm permitting you!

Please, she's all alone.

[Phone ringing]

Oh, my God!

Sweetie, you're really starting to freak me out.

I have so much to tell you.

Like...

like, so much.

[Growling]

Bobo?

For years, I was certain that Ward didn't deserve this life, this...

home.

You.

My angel.

And now I'm sure of it.

You...

met your father?

Your real father.

Are you here to help us?

Mm...

Even if I wanted to...

[Grunting]

...I am of him now.

I'm calling in my favour, Waverly.

A favour?

A favour, after all you've done to our family.

When the time comes...

...I want you to set me free.

[Gasping]

I could fix this.

Could?

This is the love of your daughter's life.

There will be a price to pay.

There always is.

There always is.

[Moaning and gasping]

[Moaning]

Shhh.

You did it.

Mm...

Did we get 'em?

Stay with her.

I'm going to Waverly.

This was in the greenhouse.

I lost this a long time ago.

Doc, you would not have been able to hold this if your soul was truly compromised.

Dudes, we slayed!

We cut through 'em like RuPaul cuts through performances without heart.

I haven't seen that show.

Get your life in order, son.

I couldn't work fast enough.

I give up.

Did Lou Bega give up after Mambos 1 through 4 failed?

No.

He wrote Mambo No.

5, and the rest is music history.

I'm so thrilled I get to die with that song stuck in my head.

Yeah, it's true that later he had to go through this lengthy copyright trial.

They were claiming it was less than original.

Okay, you take a little bit of Monica, a little bit of...

Erica?

Rita?

No, no, no, no.

You take a little bit of Bulshar.

And...

and a little bit of Robin!

Which part?

Your blood.

You're immune.

That's why the beekeepers didn't att*ck you.

They thought that you were one of their own.

You know you can't unblender stuff!

Mambo No.

6!

Well, I think you should put it on puree.

Julian...

Angel boy.

It's been a long time.

And now you're back and ready to take credit for everything this girl has become, all on her own.

We both know the best parts of Waverly came from her mother.

[Coughing]

You've been changed.

You gave up your free will.

I can't save you now.

But I can end it.

[Bobo grunting]

Thanks.

But I've already chosen my exit strategy.

[Scoffing]

Nicole's okay.

What...

was she not okay?

Is she not okay?

I used everything I had to save her.

Now you need this more than me.

And soon.

Bulshar's brought the fight to us.

[Background chatter]

I thought this would go down at the stairs.

Me too.

I guess Bulshar's missing something.

Yeah.

Me.

This is bad.

Is this bad?

It ain't great.

We had to survive the Old West.

Bulshar has sorely underestimated the utter assholes he's up against!

[Cheering]

Wynonna!

What the...

honeycombs?

Julian: Grenades!

Waverly: No!!

Ah!!

Here comes the rain!

[Muffled shouting]

Alright, now I'm pissed.

Take your time, boys!

The Devil's Paintbrush.

They got a Browning!!!

Nicole's still in the barn!

Argh!!

[a*t*matic g*nf*re]

I need to get to the house!

We need real g*ns!

[Hui shouting in chinese]

Hui!!

Go!

Don't let him waste this!

Ah!!

[Exclaiming]

[Panting]

[Groaning]

Waverly, they've got a mother of a machine g*n!

We packing?

Like a bed wetter for summer camp!

Don't come near me!

I am the least of your problems.

You k*lled Charlie.

I have done much worse.

But I will not hurt you.

[a*t*matic g*nf*re]

[Nicole panting]

Time to clear out the Old swimming hole.

[Grunting]

Ah!

The Master will have his gift.

Ah!!!

Oh, bitch!

Get off me!!

No!

[Moaning]

Argh!

I swear to God!

God...

is not here.

Wynonna!

Wynonna!

He hasn't been here for a long, long time.

No!

[Exclaiming]

[Saw buzzing]

[Saw revving]

[Screaming]

Wynonna!

Where is she?!

The wood pile!

Bulshar!!

[Saw revving]

No!

No!!

No!!

No!

No!!!

The angel returneth.

Better late than never.

You must not enter the garden.

You've never even seen it.

Now you never will.

[Exclaiming]

[Growling softly]

Where's your ring?

Charlie.

[Panting]

[Growling]

[Roaring]

Charlie!

Dad!!!

[Grunting]

[Panting]

[Grunting softly]

[Growling softly]

[Roaring]

[g*nf*re]

[Exclaiming]

Learn some new tricks, you Old, tired bitch.

Henry.

Mortal weapons...

can't k*ll me.

This isn't mortal.

[Both screaming]

You could've been better than this.

There.

You're free.

Thank you.

The curse has bound us, Bulshar!

All I have to do is touch you, dickwad, and this whole thing is over.

For once, you're almost right.

It is over.

[Exclaiming]

Wynonna!

Where are the other Revenants?

What happened?

Wynonna.

Wynonna, your nose.

They're gone.

And I'm just...

I don't have it, anymore.

Wha...

Bulshar did it.

He broke the Earp curse.

♪ ♪ I tried and tried and...

wake him up again, but...

...it won't work this time.

The ring won't work.

Bobo?

Hey, Waves.

Where...

where are the others?

I think, um...

I think Nicole's in the barn and...

uh, Wynonna and Doc are...

Wait.

Doc's here?

Where the hell have you been?

Sorry.

Just sad.

No, I know.

Why?

You can feel it with your power?

No.

I can see it on my best friend's face.

Jeremy's been working on something that'll give us a fighting chance.

Yes, uh...

I dragged the last of the beekeeper corpses to the garden out back.

We usually just use manure.

I doubt anything will grow within 10 feet of it this year.

I am sorry...

about Charlie.

He was the love of my mom's life.

He d*ed to save Waverly.

There is nothing he would not have done for her.

She was his daughter.

And ours is free.

The Earp curse is broken.

You did it.

You did it, Wynonna.

No.

Not me.

Bulshar...

with my own blood.

He tricked me.

Why?

I think he needs to be mortal to get into the garden, and...

when we were linked, my touch could end him.

So he used my blood to unlink us and...

became vulnerable.

Like me.

I have done terrible...

...terrible things.

But I will fight until the end by your side.

If you'll have me.

After everything you've done, how could I possibly trust you?

Clearly you cannot.

These things will not be able to keep me here.

But a rope soaked in holy water will.

Do not do this.

See you on the other side, Doc.

Wynonna, what are you gonna do?!

Wynonna!

Wynonna Earp!!

I thought I'd lost you.

No, I'm just having some baby carrots.

[Waverly sighing]

I'm so sorry about Charlie.

About your father, Charlie.

What I meant before...

...before and...

and now is, uh...

I'm not losing anyone else I love today.

No.

Because I do...

I do, Ni...

Nicole Rayleigh Haught.

I really, really love you.

And I really, really hate this ring.

[Laughing]

Is that a yes?

Bring it in, Team Earp.

Now, please.

It's a crypsis.

I- I blendered Bulshar's arm just to make it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Does he mean blended?

Oh, he does not.

Is it crypsix?

Crypsis.

The ability of an animal to avoid detection by other animals.

Camouflage.

We need to coat ourselves in, well...?

Dab ourselves with.

Wrap it up, nerds.

And the beekeepers won't be able to see us.

Which means that they can't stop us.

And we won't.

Not till Bulshar gets dead.

Yes!

How are we gonna get him dead?

Uh...

The curse is broken.

There is no Earp heir.

I'm just a girl with a big ass...

ass.

Girl.

You're right, them boots is tight.

Yeah, top-shelf.

Hey, this is good.

There's usually a lot of v*g1n* jokes.

[Wincing]

This would be the part of the movie where I tell you you should leave if you want to.

Yeah, well, we're not going to.

Bulshar gave me one gift.

He showed me what I'm...

most afraid of.

What's that?

Losing you.

Well, we're all coming with you.

Nah, you're not.

You drugged us.

Pretty much, yep.

You can't...

do this alone, Earp.

There's not enough crypsis for all of us, and I'm a coward.

Nicole!

What the hell...?

I can't handle seeing the looks on your faces if I fail.

Hey!

assh*le!

That was a total d*ck move, even for you!

You clearly underestimate the amount of d*ck I be.

Yeah, well, I know you better than anyone, which is why I didn't take a sip of your dumb drugged whisky!

I didn't drug yours, Waverly.

What?

Why not?

Juan Carlo and Julian.

Two angel guardians of the garden.

A flaming sword?

And a backup sword.

Looks like Old what's-his-name was all about the alternates.

Two sisters.

You and me, kid.

Am I your backup?

Uh...

I think we both know I'm yours...

angel.

Mm.

What's that smell?

Eau de crypsis.

Jeez.

Jeremy couldn't have added a pinch of patchouli?

You gotta put some on too.

Urgh.

Gross.

Okay.

And we're sure this'll make it so his beekeepers can't see us?

I'm only sure it smells like Randy Nedley's hockey bag.

I don't want Nedley to die.

Then let's go stop the apocalypse and make sure he doesn't.

Yo, Bushwhack!

The Earp sisters...

...here to die together.

You're not gonna climb those stairs, Bulshar.

He's near the stairs, right?

Oh, yeah.

You bested my bees.

I bested your mom.

[Bulshar chuckling]

You're ridiculous.

And you're mortal.

Which means I can k*ll you.

Come, then.

Okay.

[Grunting]

[Exclaiming]

[Panting]

Wynonna!!

Ah!!

[Grunting]

[Crying out]

Don't you get it, Wynonna Earp?

You're not the heir of anything anymore.

[Grunting]

Your mom's not the heir of anything anymore.

Julian.

Juan Carlo.

They used to be so mighty!

I really expected more from an angel!

Well, then you're gonna love this.

[Grunting]

You levitating?!

You pathetic quim.

Only a hero can wield the flaming sword against a demon.

Or heroine.

And only an angel can name one.

My dad taught me that right before you k*lled him.

[Laughing]

That's impossible.

Wynonna Earp.

You are chosen.

Get it, girl.

Peacemaker.

[Gasping]

I can see the stairs!

Also, holy shitballs!

You think you can handle my sword?

If I had a nickel for every snake who's asked me that.

[Roaring]

[Grunting]

You like that, bitch?

I've seen Princess Bride, like, 70 times.

[Grunting]

Ah!

Wynonna!

[Grunting]

I can't get down!

The garden will have her.

Sorry, she's already taken.

Ah!

[Screaming]

This is for Waverly's dad!

[Roaring]

This is for humanity!

And that's for my family.

We could enter the garden together.

Rule as one.

No.

Consent denied.

Then you will die.

You first.

[Roaring]

No!!

Son of a Cobra Kai.

Wynonna!

[Exclaiming]

[Shouting]

Wynonna, let me outta here!

Don't you dare die on me, idiot!

It's okay.

You'll be fine, baby girl.

[Growling]

Waverly: No!

No!!

No!!

Wynonna: Where've you been?

You left me handcuffed, and bound in a circle of holy water.

Remember?

Excuses, excuses.

You suck.

Thanks.

No, I mean you sucked out the venom.

How'd I taste?

Heroic.

[Exclaiming and grunting]

Waverly!!

Ah!!

[Grunting]

Wynonna, you did it.

You k*lled Bulshar.

My hero.

Don't you dare give up, baby girl!

I am tired.

I'm not.

I'm fresh as a daisy.

Come on, fight, Earp!

Listen, can you tell Nicole...

You tell her.

I can't hold on.

Please!

Please!

But you'll come get me?

Don't you dare!!!

Wynonna!

Please don't leave me alone in there with that thing!

No!!

Oh!

[Screaming]

I can't get on the stairs!

Wynonna!!!

No!!!

[High-pitched sound]

[Screaming and groaning]

Ah.

Ah...

Doc, you can't.

You're not mortal.

♪ Tell that devil to take you back...

♪ You're not...

You're not mortal, Doc.

♪ My heart went from red ♪ ♪ To black ♪ How?

How?

♪ Came up from that lake of fire ♪ It's not fair.

I can't come with you.

Not this time, love.

You're the guardian.

And you are the only one...

that can wield the flaming sword.

She doesn't even have a w*apon in there.

I am a w*apon.

♪ I gave you all I got to give ♪ ♪ I know it ain't no way to live ♪ ♪ I told that devil ♪ ♪ To take you back ♪ ♪ Told that devil ♪ ♪ To take you back ♪ ♪ I...

♪ ♪ Told that devil ♪ ♪ To take you back ♪ Bye.

♪ ♪ Haught?

Nicole!

Jeremy!

Robin?

Who the hell is Valdez?

[Utensils clattering]

Oh.

Well, I guess I'm cancelling my trip to Punta Cana.

Retirement would bore you.

Trust me.

Oh, I do.

[Sighing]

I went back to the homestead.

They're all gone.

And in town?

Chrissy...

Everybody.

It's just you and me, kid.

Something in the garden was trying to come through and then it...

...it was coming for them.

Thought it was supposed to be Paradise.

Are they even still alive in there?

Hell, yes.

Just tell me what we do.

Let's get them back.

Oh, f*ck yeah.