05x09 - Say Something. Say Anything.

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

- Hey!
- Mom?

- f*ck!
- She came!

This is so perfect!

- We're gonna be one big happy family.
- We're doomed.

- ♪ For me and my guy ♪
- What... what are you doing?

Whenever I'm sad or blue or stressed,

I just sing it all away. Come on.

Well, I don't feel sad.

I am scared shitless.

We have a lot to do here, boys, and we need to finish these centerpieces, because in minutes, candle-making!

This isn't a bachelor party. It's a sweatshop.

That woman... she's an evil genius.

You two have serious and progressive mental problems that will make living a normal life impossible.

That was basically a fireworks show of passion.

Let's resume the wedding crashing and

- go get our girl.
- Yes.

Sloppy Gilmore, just, uh, what do you think you're doing over there?

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but, lady, I need you to take your hands off of the other la...

- [ALL GASP]
- Someone should really confront that guy.

- It's all in the eyes.
- No.

[GRUNTS]

I was a heavyweight.

[COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ Well, I'm on my way, and I'm not afraid ♪

♪ No, Lord, 'cause tonight... ♪

Okay, f*ck.

- Can you hold this?
- Yeah.

Okay, so what was it about the crazy eyes again?

You got to do it like this, like...

[GROWLS] Like all crazy and sh*t.

- [GROWLS]
- No, not like that. That's ugly.

No, it's still ugly. Ew, it looks like you sat on something, and yet you're oddly enjoying it.

You know what? Go with it, though.

Maybe he'll think you're having a seizure and take pity on you, perhaps.

I don't know, man. Is this that moment where I make the worst decision ever and end up walking sideways for the rest of my life?

- May I take this one?
- [SCOFFS]

Great, thank you.

Yes, it is that moment, Jack, but here's the thing.

Nobody knows us here, so it's completely viable if we just all the sudden, all together turn very suddenly and run in the other direction.

Wait, I don't get it.
Why do we have to run?

Yeah, Duffer McHuge is only calling out Trakarsky.

That's true.

Is he really that big? I don't want to turn around.

- He's super f*cking huge.
- Just... Okay, shush!

Okay?

The girlfriend you came here to win back is watching.

Nothing else matters.

Hey, flyweight, getting bored over here.

- You wussing out or what?
- No, we're just... we're having a powwow here.

Oh, God, I hate to have to do this again.

- What? [YELPS]
- [CROWD GROANS]

Jack, you don't have to do this, okay?

Remember what happened last time?

The body count you left behind?
The blood? "Oh, the humanity!"

Jack, the eyes!

- What is that?
- It's scary, right?

- Are you okay? Is something wrong?
- No, no, it's just a thing I'm doing.

It's unpredictable.

- What's happening?
- This is happening. I can't control it.

- So it's just my eye thing.
- All right, let's do it. I got that, too.

Jack, come here. Listen to me.

Listen to me, okay? Just tell that big assh*le that you're sorry and that you've just had too much to drink.

Can you stop interrupting me, please? I'm about to fight.

- Oh, my God.
- Thank you for caring, though.

- I really appreciate it All right, buddy, let's do it..
- I can't.

I've seen more action at the high-school bake sale when I intentionally left the price tag on my cupcakes.

No reason, just shaking sh*t up.

Girl, you are weird, but I dig it.

- Mm-hmm.
- [GROANING]

- What is it?
- Ah! Gluten sensitivity.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, beer's the worst.

Oh, beer's the worst. I know better.

I have the same thing, the exact same thing.

I really appreciate the support, man.

This is just making me sad.

[SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Bye, guys.

Iz!

Wait up.

Hey, look, I know we didn't literally fight for you in the traditional sense, but...

Yeah, but we stood up for your honor.

Hey, we're trying to win you back here.

- I'm sorry if we suck at it...
- You just don't listen to me, do you?

- Huh?
- What?

[SCOFFS] You don't actually hear me.

Just tell us what you want us to do.

It just doesn't matter.

Just took over Lala's bachelorette party.

It's always about you.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Hey. Big Ginger.

- What the hell are you doing here?
- Ugh. Seriously, dude?

You know you're gonna have to stand up to your feral little... your girlfriend, your beautiful girlfriend here, one day.

Okay, so this is how it's gonna be now, you Small Brunette?

So he did take the advice.

He's just really bad at it, so it's okay.

You steppin' up on me now? Is that... 'cause no.

- That's not happening anymore.
- So I shouldn't be pissed?

Meaning you guys did finish everything?

Um, cigars, steaks, centerpieces, strung lights...

I seriously hope that you're f*cking with me right now, because the alternative is horrifying.

Why, because I tricked you into

- "doing all my dirty work"?
- No!

This is not an air quotes situation, Neen.

You literally tricked me into doing your literal dirty work.

And that hurt.

Can I talk...

Look, I am f*cking drowning here, okay?

I've been planning imaginary weddings my whole life, I thought it was gonna be a breeze, but it's not!

f*ck, Shaun, there is so much to do, okay?

And I asked for your help because I know that you are a get-sh*t-done m*therf*cker, Shaun Gilmore.

And I'm sorry that you think that I was taking advantage of you and I made you feel that way.

I'm sorry.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

Okay.

So here's the thing, Neen...

When we leave here, we are either moving in together... or we are breaking up. Because I say so.

Shaun, ple... I mean, are you seriously...

♪ ♪

- [STAMMERS]
- Yeah, I am serious.

[SIGHS, MOUTHS WORD]

[SNIFFLES]

♪ ♪

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

- Hey, you.
- Who are you?

What highly literate planet did you come from?

And what have you done with my mother?

Very funny. [CHUCKLES]

I used to be quite the reader before the wheels fell off.

So...

What?

What's the matter?

Cross-addicted mom crashing your dad's wedding got your tongue?

Um...

I'm proud of you.

Oh.

Both of you, actually.

- But, um...
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

There it is.

You know this isn't a good idea, right?

First, it's the...

And then... and then the shame and then the bourbon, and then that's where the trouble begins.

And it just feels really irresponsible to stand by and watch you two burn down the rest of his life.

We're not those people anymore.

Are you sure you haven't said those exact words,

- like, a million times?
- Yeah, I've said those exact words exactly like that a million times.

No, listen. Now I really mean it.

We can't have closure over the phone.

Lala understood that.

It's why she wouldn't take no for an answer.

And I guess after years of learning to be this version of himself, this father, this... this husband, this Ben Silva, she wanted me to be here to see him "graduate."

That's what she calls it.

And she wanted him to turn around and... and see that I was okay, too.

Then we can just... we can move on.

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Those two weirdos are pretty crazy about you. [CHUCKLES]

Why are we... what are you saying,

- that I should give them a chance?
- Oh, no. [BLOWS RASPBERRY] God, no.

That's a ridiculous idea.

You moving into some suburban family's house and living forever and ever.
That was a bit blunt, wasn't it?

No, it...

Maybe we should've been blunter.

A little more honest.

But we, um... we just got lost in it.

Like parents, like daughter?

- Maybe.
- [LAUGHS]

You know, um, there is one thing I... I would like to know, though.

- Um...
- What?

Does Jack really believe that he can sing?

[LAUGHTER]

- He does.
- Oh, gosh.

It's our fault. Emma and I... we, um...

Just, Emma and I, we... we would tell him over and over again how talented he is and to share his gift with the world.

Sometimes I think he knows.

- He just doesn't want to ruin the fun.
- Mm, that's nice.

But he's ruined Steely Dan for me forever.

Like, I'll never be able to listen to them again.

He thinks it's "Stealing Dan,"

- like... like he's a thief.
- No.

- And his name is Dan.
- Shut the fu...

And that is his nickname.

What a... just massive dork head.

- [LAUGHS]
- Yes.

He is.

They both are.

Oh.

Peanut... it does get better.

- Oh, yeah?
- [INHALES DEEPLY]

Over time, it just... it gets a little better.

And...before you know it, you can...think of him and smile.

You said "him."

- No.
- Yes, you did.

Just... I... okay.

I meant "them," the Trakarskles.

- What's their... 'cause... [LAUGHS]
- You...

- Mom, you know that's not their name.
- [LAUGHS] Get over here.

[LAUGHTER]

- The Trakarskys.
- The Trakarskys!

Okay, you know, I kind of wish Duffer McDrunk got all up in my business, you know? So I could, like, show off my yoga fighting skills.

- Yoga fighting?
- Hmm?

- You said, "Yoga fighting."
- I didn't.

Okay, I happen to believe that my yoga skills translate to combat.

I'm gonna put a pin in that and tell you some exciting news that's gonna cheer us both up.

- Go for it.
- Okay, first we crashed the wedding, and that didn't work. And then you kind of started a brawl at the bachelorette party, and that definitely didn't work.

Uh, still waiting for the good part.

Not only did we not get voted off the island, but she was deeply concerned about me getting hurt.

Uh, yeah, I'd say she was, like, concerned in a minimally humane way, but go on.

It's time to go big.

It's time to strike.

[SIGHS] We need to
tell her we want to put

- all the babies inside of her!
- Ew.

Maybe, you know, you can work on the message, because I am working on this, which is the medium, and it's lit!

What do you think?

Oh, you're gonna flash her.

What? No. Um...

Look, it's like...

Touchdown.

Goal?

- I don't know. One of the sports things?
- Yes! You got it, honey.

Because I bought a trench coat to become a referee because how the f*ck does that make sense?

- I'm trying.
- Okay, you know what? I can...

- Here, look.
- Huh?

It's like...

- You think we should go bigger?
- Yes.

Yes, it should definitely be bigger.

Yes.

- You still have no idea, do you?
- I still don't know.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS]

[SNIFFS, BREATHES DEEPLY]

I'm the bride here, kid.

Right. Sorry. [SIGHS]

Oh...

Nina told me to steal all the cucumbers

- 'cause your budget is, um...
- "Fucktarded"?

- That was it.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

- Oh.
- Sorry.

- Again.
- That's okay.

It's okay.

♪ ♪

I'm gonna say something.

Okay.

What you're going through... you didn't invent it, okay?

Sometimes love is enough.

It finds a way, overcomes all the obstacles.

Other times, just... there's too many potholes, broken glass, too many fellow travelers trying to run you off the road.

Are you saying that we're giving up too easy?

I'm saying it's okay to give up.

[SIGHS] Hmm.

Every relationship gets put on a scale, whether you're conscious of it or not.

Love is just one of many stones.

I see you ordered the magic mushroom colonic.

- Excellent choice.
- [CHUCKLES]

I do love me a good colonic.

Actually, those are some very wise words, so thank you.

But here's my last nugget...it ain't over just 'cause you say it is.

Okay.

Now I'm gonna say something.

Something I never, ever, ever thought I'd say in this lifetime or the next.

[SOFTLY] I'm glad you invited my mom.

Hmm? I didn't hear you.

I'm glad you invited...my mother.

Mm.

[SCOFFS]

So you're being smug.

Indeed I am.

[SIGHS]

We're not gonna do this for, like, an uncomfortably long time, right?

I feel like this is a less-is-more situation.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm really sorry that us Silvas h*jacked your woodsy wedding with all of our exes.

I think my crazies have got it out of their system, but...

I don't know.

I hope so.

It feels really... my skin feels really...

What the f*ck?

Lexi, play "In Your Eyes."

Playing "Spanish Flies" by the Nasty Ugly Fucks.

- [PUNK MUSIC STARTS]
- I'm not sure I understand today's prom songs.

No, uh, power down.

- Reset.
- "In Your Eyes."

Lexi, "In Your Eyes" by John Cusack.

- No, Peter... Peter Gabriel.
- Wow.

They have a weird ' s Rom-com obsession.

Yeah, except different, I guess.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Oh, great. Now everyone's coming out here. Just...

We were wrong.

And we know that. But, Isabelle Silva...

We want to put a baby inside of you!

Well, we do, but, technically, me, 'cause I have the...

- Okay, you know...
- As many as you want.

I just feel like you're kind of hijacking the baby-making gesture, right?
Like, "I'm the wielder of sperm!"

- It's a little...
- Guys.

Sorry. Anyway, the point is, the plan is malleable, and we want to make an amendment for you.

So what do you say? Are you in?

Is that a yes or a... ?

- [LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING]
- You two clearly do not fear me appropriately!

- Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.

Someone should really be filming this.

Try and keep up, pussycat.

Totally gonna InstaTweet this.

Oh, yeah, InstaTweet.

- Super cool, Mom.
- [CHUCKLES]

Griswolds! I have more centerpieces to make, a folk trio to reprimand, a wow-inducing finale to plan, and a f*cking tear-jerking speech to write, so I'm gonna need you guys to get out of my woods, okay?

- [LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING]
- All right, I...

Now! Okay? Go on! Git!

Nina, can I... can I just have a sec?

Just put it down.

- Okay, fine.
- [LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING]

- Sorry, that was just for me.
- Okay.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

We love you.

I love you back.

I thought we covered that pretty thoroughly at the hotel, right?

Yeah, but the... baby part was new.

I mean, this isn't just empty theater, right?

- We're... we're really...
- I think Nina's right.

It still doesn't change anything.

♪ ♪

I think you should go.

♪ ♪

Ben?

[KNOCK AT DOOR, DOOR OPENS]

Benjamin? [GASPS]

Jess?

Um...

[CHUCKLES] Quite the scene going on out there.

Jack's got on a trench coat thing, and he's carrying a little speaker with a song blaring out.

"Say Anything."

Does it seem like I'm holding back?

The John Cusack movie?

If you say so. Anyway, I think they're leaving.

- Um, can... can we talk?
- Yeah, uh, yeah.

- Sure. I'm just waking up, so...
- Lala's right.

I love you...

- maybe more now than ever.
- Jess, I...

It's okay. No, Ben, listen to me.

I'm not blind.

I know you're really happy, and... and that makes me really happy, too, but I also want to knock you out, roll you in a carpet, and...

I don't know... haul you off to some remote cabin,

- chain you to be bed, break your legs.
- "Misery."

Yeah, it's really hard.

- Oh, no.
- [DOOR OPENS]

Well, I'll just wait out here until...

Mom!

No, I...

- I... she...
- Don't... don't...follow me.

- [SIGHS]
- Okay.

Um, just for the record, uh, I didn't see that coming.

One second we were talking, and then all of...

Okay, I can totally back that up, okay?

- That was super sudden.
- You know what?

- Really fast.
- I don't care.

- You guys are always doing this.
- Hey.

We just wanted to wish...

- Ben and Lala...
- [GROANS]

You guys seem busy.

- Yeah, we'll, um,
- We're gonna...

- We'll come back.
- Uh-uh. No. Get the f*ck in here.

Now you want us to stay?

You can leave immediately after the mess you've made is cleaned up.

What is wrong with you people?

Why is the answer to everything running?

Don't look at me. I heard what I said.

Isn't it obvious, Izzy?

Lala is too good for me.

I don't deserve her or Hawthorne Heights.

- Ben, that's not true.
- Yeah, she loves you.

- So do we.
- Yeah.

Ben, um...what I really came to say was this.

I still love you, and I know you still love me.

That was never the problem.

I think we managed to destroy everything but that.

You and Lala work, and I want that for you,

I want it for me, too.

That's beside the point. I was gonna close with,

"So go marry that amazing woman before I do."

That's pretty good.

And then, Benjamin, I was, um...

[CRYING] I was gonna give you this.

That's Grandma's ring.

It's Lala's now.

One more thing...

she wants to be found, okay?

You dumbass, go.

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

I know where she is.

I got this.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

I'd like to dedicate this next number to nobody.

'Cause he doesn't deserve it.

♪ ♪

♪ After you've gone ♪

♪ And left me cryin' ♪

♪ After you've gone ♪

♪ There's no denyin' ♪

♪ You'll feel blue ♪

♪ You'll feel sad ♪

♪ You'll miss the sweetest love you've ever had ♪

♪ After you've gone ♪

♪ After you've gone away ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Bravo!

Namaste, m*therf*ckers. Namaste.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FADE]

Bravo.

- How about an autograph?
- Don't have a pen.

You got an opening for a middle-aged groupie?

The kiss was a surprise.

You're right.

Jess and I were a story without an ending.

But we have one now.

And I am so, so sorry that...

Well, you should've thought of that before you let her in.

'Cause I'm dating that drunk guy over there now.

And he's a real rocket in the sack.

Hey, honey, wake up! [SNAPS FINGERS]

- He's tired.
- [CHUCKLES]

What are you doing? What's happening?

Lala... [CLEARS THROAT]

Holy cats.

It's my grandmother's.

But I... I already have this turquoise number we got in Sedona?

Okay, you know what? I like the bigger one. Let's...

Oh, my God, it's so sparkly.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

You know, I cannot wait to spend every moment of the rest of my life with you.

Crazy idea... all these babies running around,

- let's say we adopt one for ourselves?
- Nope.

- How about we spend a week snorkeling in Roatán!
- Yes. That one.

Great.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Excuse me. Um...

- I'm really sorry.
- Oh, don't be.

Apparently everything went down exactly as it had to.

I'm really proud of both of you.

- I know.
- [CHUCKLES]

I love you.

I love you, too, Peanut...

so much.

[SIGHS]

- Can we have a minute?
- Oh, gosh, honey, yeah, of course.

- Love you.
- I love you, too.

[SOFT MUSIC]

- So...
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]

So...

[CLEARS THROAT] Well, s...

suddenly this good-bye feels very real.

I think that's because it is.

Iz, for all the parts that hurt you...

Yeah, we're really sorry.

Me too.

♪ ♪

Okay, so I guess...

[SNIFFLES]

G... good-bye?

♪ ♪

Good-bye.

♪ ♪

[SOBBING]

[SNIFFLES]

♪ ♪

[CAR DOORS OPEN]

[SOBS]

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

♪ Will turn to dust ♪

♪ Blow away in winds that chuckle when they gust ♪

We love you.

♪ They can't touch the patterns of ♪

♪ The footprints that we leave ♪

[CRIES]

♪ So when the moon sways... ♪

[SIGHS] Good-bye.

♪ Your breath will waver ♪

♪ Your memories will flash ♪

♪ All the tides will blanket you ♪

♪ Like mountains in the sea ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And your tears will disappear ♪

♪ Someday ♪

♪ Your tears will disappear ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Your tears will disappear ♪

[INTENSE TONES]

[WHOOSHING]