02x05 - Stoner Sensai's Secrets of Love

[bunniefuu]

We're together.

We're a throuple.

Previously on "You Me Her"...

The alumni board are gonna find this new information very interesting.

We're just going to delay the announcement of your promotion a couple of weeks.

I hate my boss and I want to quit my job.

What's this?

The coolest firm in Seattle.

It's not like I'm actually gonna go.

I just really want to be cool again, Dave.

Suburban Internet...

s*x tape, scandal.

I don't hate it.

How would you feel about helping kids get to the other side of 21?

Like a wellness center?

Dave: Oh, is this about the thing I said about the bike?

You don't think Emma's bi?

You think she's just, like, gay?

You guys have been third-wheeling the sh1t out of me.

You get to undercurrent all of your primary ex because you've decided I'm a lesbian.

So this is happening?

Listen to me.

I just finished telling someone that I was the complication.

What someone?

Ruby.

f*ck this.

[Door slams]

[Knocks on door]

♪ ♪ ♪ [Snoring]

What's going on?

Oh, that's lovely.

Can you rupture something snoring that hard?

Radical theory...

do you think that humans snore so that in the caveman days, someone didn't bury them?

Prefacing something idiotic with "radical theory" doesn't make it less idiotic.

Little Gabe...

on point with his sass game.

[Laughs]

Little Gabe getting sassy, eh?

Call me that one more time, I will put a pillow over your giant face and sit on it.

Yeah, you will.

Okay, this is...

unsettling.

Uh, say, Gabriel, do you want to...

Make sure Marina doesn't walk into traffic while taking a selfie and become the face of a national public service campaign?

Super funny.

Let's blow this intervention.

Dumb-ass.

Dickhead.

Okay, so, look, not to be that brother, but I can't have the kids witnessing a gruesome, prolonged descent.

I'm fine, man, I just need a few minutes to...

Okay, you obviously don't remember, and I wish that I didn't, but last night...

last night was a weepy, snotty sh1t show.

No.

It wasn't that bad, I...

It wasn't that bad.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if you were our pet, we would have just sh*t you and buried you out back.

Stop.

Oh, man.

Feels like I'm losing everything.

You're not exactly losing anything, bro.

No, you very willingly walked away from a promotion, and then you left your home and your wife with her new girlfriend.

Okay, you know what?

Okay, enough, okay?

Maybe Emma and I for the past few years weren't awesome in the bedroom, but we did have some really incredible times before that.

Like, really hardcore stuff.

I don't know if she told you, but, I mean, not like p0rn star level, but...

Stop, please.

Yeah, it's...

Okay, it wasn't even about the s*x, okay?

It was the fact that we had a connection, that we were together.

Jack, lesbians are deceptive.

They look just like real chicks.

You know, they wear dresses, they wear makeup, they marry dudes.

[Scoffs]

What?

It's true.

[Scoffs]

You know how much I like Emma.

We both do.

And for the record, I do really believe that you guys were in love since the first night that you met.

Thank you.

Finally...

Someone speaking the truth here.

But then you introduced a woman into your marriage, and you reminded your wife that she's at least three-quarters gay.

She's not.

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck?

Hey.

No, no.

Hey.

Please don't, I just woke up.

Shh.

I love you.

You do?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, I want you to have what we have.

Yeah.

I got to go, 'cause work calls.

I have a job.

And good luck.

[Sighs]

I'm sorry.

Take a long, brisk walk, all right?

Clear your head.

Get some perspective and just think about things.

That sounds good, actually.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do that.

I'm gonna do that.

[Sighs]

[Snoring]

[Dog barking]

[Doorbell ringing]

[Snoring stops]

Hi.

Hi.

So this is where you've been.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Under the morning sun ♪ ♪ I feel it coming like a bad habit ♪ ♪ Bad habit ♪ ♪ When I go out at night ♪ ♪ I feel it creeping like a bad habit ♪ ♪ Bad habit ♪ So, that was...

good.

[Both chuckle]

I was gonna say, "Awesome, f*cking amazing," but those are overused, right?

Yeah, you're right.

"Good" is...

"Good" is better.

Um...

It's just...

It's just...

It's just what?

I didn't...

I didn't...

I didn't mean for it to happen.

It's not why I came here.

Why'd you come?

To take you home.

Is that what Emma wants?

She's...

She's angry.

I'm angry.

Then talk.

Should I tell her, what, you came over here and...

evened things up, so now we're all good?

That's very funny.

You're very funny.

I was thinking more along the lines of "I'm sorry." You think I'm the one that should be apologizing to her?

Oh, for f*ck's sake, why don't I count it down so the two of you can say it at exactly the same time?

It's just unbelievable.

Take it easy.

In what version of the universe am I the bad guy?

Uh, how about the version where the last words you said to us before you stormed out were "Ruby Shivani." Uh, maybe the version where you've been acting like a wounded emo middle-schooler.

Meanwhile, the real version in the real world consists of two lesbians, a happy gay couple, who just have this inconvenient dude who's like a f*cking g*dd*mn beard around them all the time.

Honestly, enough with the beard stuff.

Was there any point in the last 30 minutes or so where I seemed gay to you?

I'm in love with you.

Look at me.

I'm in love with you and Emma.

To be honest, maybe it's not you that I'm worried about.

Okay, Jack.

Here's the deal.

There's a perfect sh1t storm brewing, and I'm the only one that seems to notice.

Emma suddenly hates her job, her soul mate's caved out at big bro's ridiculous McMansion.

And you ready for this?

She just got an absolutely stupid offer from some giant douchey firm in Seattle.

So, please, I'm asking you to come back with me.

I'm gonna ask you again, is that what Emma wants?

Because I haven't heard from her.

Not a word since I've been here, so...

Did she tell you she wants me to come home?

I mean...

No.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

I appreciate you coming here.

I do.

But I'm...

I'm sorry, that's not enough.

[Sighs]

♪ Our love, love, love ♪ ♪ Love will bring you down ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Our love, love, love ♪ ♪ Love will burn it down ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [Retching]

sh*ts!

♪ ♪ ♪ It's good!

Finished!

Ah!

[Groans]

Emma: Good morning, sunshine.

Hi.

Oh, I would not recommend taking a selfie right now.

Unless it's a desperate cry for help.

I have an excuse for being cranky.

What's yours?

Oh, you have an excuse?

Oh, you mean falling into bed, wasted, at 4 A.M.

after partying like a college freshmen with Nina.

What?

No.

Yeah.

Oh, you look lonely.

Let's go find your friends.

Mmm.

Wow.

So, if I go get my camera right now, would you be willing to reenact that whole sad, dark performance?

'Cause that's exactly the opening I need for my documentary...

"White People." What about white people?

Well, humans crave challenges and hardships, and when they don't get those things, they...

reflexively sabotage themselves.

Or die on a mountain they had no reason to climb.

That's impressive.

That's, like, adolescent bullshit, but it's impressive within that specific category.

Well done, man.

Yeah.

So what's rock bottom for a guy like you?

Shouldn't you be in school or something?

Put Marie on Locations so I know where she is at all times.

I'm just missing, like, study hall or Advanced Calc...

one or the other.

You know what, I don't care.

This is so boring.

This has nothing...

it's nothing to do with me.

It's not my problem.

Seriously, do you need help with all of this business?

All of what?

[Gags]

[Retching]

So what were you doing while you were hugging the toilet and staring at your phone?

I was checking the calendar.

Seriously?

Don't worry.

It's...

my dates were messed up.

That's all.

Well, you don't seem particularly happy.

Usually at your age, that's a happy thing.

You are on birth control, right?

What are you insinuating?

I'm not insinuating anything.

I just...

[Sobs]

Iz.

Hey, Izzy, are you okay?

I got so f*cked up.

[Sobs]

Yeah.

I could tell.

[Exhales deeply]

It's just...

Jack left, and you said he never leaves.

Which means it's my fault.

And I feel like I'm an alien here, and I just...

I just w...

You just want to feel like yourself again.

Yeah, I get that.

I'm really sorry, Em.

I've been a passive-aggressive d*ck these last few days.

Hey...

We have all taken turns being dicks lately.

All of us.

Because we f*cked up.

Because we're moving too fast.

And none of us wants to say anything.

I don't know.

Well, you can hold me to this, I am officially on an intense substance cleanse.

Ugh.

Yeah?

Yeah.

[Sniffles]

We'll do it together.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I know I have barf-mouth, but will you kiss me?

No, you do have barf-mouth.

Whoo, man.

This feels like 50 shades of wrong.

It's gonna feel 31 flavors of right real soon.

All right, before we do this, just so you know, this is a one-time thing.

Okay, this has to be.

This is just me trying to, you know, get on a bridge to the other side.

This is...

Don't do me any favors.

No, no, I mean, come on, after this.

Just sit down, I need...

Thank you, I guess I should say.

That's better.

Yeah.

Thanks.

So you ever gonna sober up enough to tap that Ruby chick?

[Coughs]

I'm just gonna forge on, assuming that that's what you want to say.

Balls!

So, yes, I overheard Gabe and Marie talking about how much better off you'd be with Ruby.

[Coughing continues]

Don't hate me, I can't call an ambulance under these incriminating circumstances.

♪ Da da da da da ♪ ♪ When gravity's a palm pushing down on your head ♪ ♪ Like the devil's got a paw dug in your shoulder ♪ ♪ And the other one is rubbing your back ♪ ♪ But the kitchen in this new place has a window ♪ ♪ Yeah, you can grow basil on the sill maybe ♪ ♪ You can call your neighbors by name now ♪ ♪ Da da da da da da da da ♪ Am I late?

No, no, I'm early.

Um, Emma Trakarsky.

We talked on the phone.

Right.

Right.

So that space just got snatched.

While you were eating a sandwich?

I can multitask.

May I ask who snatched it?

It was...

John...

Ham.

Jon Hamm.

Jon Hamm, the actor?

Maybe he's gonna open an ad agency.

I don't know what smells worse, your lazy bullshit or the hostile cologne you bathed in.

Custom blended specifically for me.

Five large.

Gets me laid like a carpet.

Hey!

What the five other spaces?

Strangest thing.

They all got snatched, too.

She knows.

She f*cking knows.

♪ ♪ ♪ God, these are good!

What do you call this glorious manna?

Spicy pork rinds.

Is that like a nickname, or does it really come from a pig?

I choose not to think about it.

[Chuckles]

It's working though, man.

I can...

It's working, man.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was hung over.

Yeah, you're welcome.

So do you really love them?

Both of them?

Who?

[Scoffs]

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

I do.

But you think Aunt Emma might be gay, always has been?

I don't know, maybe.

Grownup life sounds pretty f*cked up.

Yeah.

What about the college professor chick?

That's just purely professional.

We're...

just friends.

Actually might be colleagues soon.

Oh!

[Chuckles]

Okay.

I'm 14 years old, and even I know you can't be friends with your hot, divorced ex.

Okay, you can only pretend it's platonic until the imminent "Oops, we boned" incident.

You're like some sort of sensei.

[Laughs]

I guess I'll, uh...

design the rest of my life based on the deep thoughts of a stoned high school freshman.

Yeah, you want me to lay down some more heavy duty wisdom on you?

Please, why not?

Well, if you and the professor chick had stayed together, you would have three kids and be the dean of Hamilton High School right now...

instead of smoking away your hangover with your nephew.

Heavy, right?

Yeah.

It's like a cat in the box.

Absolutely.

Wait, what?

Hey, you.

Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Lunchtime, I think.

Yeah.

You pay for that stuff or...

They barely staff week days.

You could pretty much have whatever you want.

For instance, Chloe Damico thinks she's pregnant every other Monday, snags like five different brands just to make sure.

Oh...

But then again, she's like a teenager and you're...

30.

Okay.

So...

First of all, I'm nothing like 30.

Okay.

And, second of all, [chuckles]

you thought...

you thought I was shopping for pregnancy tests?

Why?

Because you're reading all the labels.

Well, I'm doing research for a college paper.

[Laughs]

You suck so bad at lying.

Well, I used to be better.

I think we peak at 16.

God, it's like breathing for me.

W.W.L.D.

[Inhales, exhales deeply]

What is that?

What would Lori do?

Easy-peasy.

She'd narc you out to your lezzy life partner.

[Sighs]

So I won't.

I'm assuming this means you're late.

Just...

it's just a few days, and...

but, normally, you can set a clock by it.

I'm sorry.

Why are you hugging me?

Because Lori wouldn't.

I...

I can't believe you would do this to me, Danny.

I have a right to explore other options, God damn it!

[Car beeping]

[Cellphone chimes]

[Scoffs]

Yeah?

f*ck you!

f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck...

f*cking grow up.

It's just business, really?

Well, f*ck...

f*ck me!

Emma?

Lori.

Car make you angry?

[Chuckles]

Huh.

[Clears throat]

Um, actually...

Actually, I was yelling at my boss.

Yeah.

She found out I was scouting office space, so she's blackballing me at the few places I can afford.

And it turns out I signed a contract that basically says I can't hire anybody ever.

So you might be mad at me a little, still.

Afraid so, Lo.

Lo?

I...

I get a nickname?

That's great.

[Laughs]

All right, well, brace yourself.

Brace myself?

Just go with it.

Em and Lo, that's us.

[Laughs]

That's the spirit.

♪ ♪ ♪ Ruby: Do you have an appointment?

[Imitating young woman]

Um, yeah, like, for sure, Professor, I do.

Worst imitation of a college chick ever.

Come in, Jack.

I don't even know who Jack is.

Jack is dead.

I k*lled him with my period.

It was awesome, right?

No, it was terrible.

[Chuckles]

Hey.

Where the hell have you been?

It's like you fell off the edge of the earth.

Can we say that's more or less an accurate representation of what's been happening and leave it at that?

I've been staying at my brother's place.

Oh.

Sorry, I, um...

Sorry to hear.

It's nothing.

Look, I've been trying to get a hold of you because the dean is interested in hearing your student services pitch.

But it has to be tomorrow because he leaves the day after for a conference overseas.

Can you be ready?

I was born ready.

I've always wanted to say that.

Yes.

Great.

Awesome.

Maybe I can thank you for real by...

... taking you out to dinner tomorrow night.

Are you asking me on a date?

Absolutely not.

I'm just inviting a soon-to-be-colleague out for a platonic celebration of my imminent success.

I don't sleep with married men, Jack.

Neither do I, so we have that in common.

Yes.

Great.

[Inhales]

Hey, Carm?

What's my motivation here, you know?

I mean, like, I could pretty much slip out of these any second I want.

Carmen: Use your imagination!

Whoa.

Wow.

Look at you.

Standing there, wearing that?

Is this okay?

Is it okay?

It's really scary.

And sexy.

Has to be scary and sexy, not just scary.

I meant scary in a sexy way, that's all.

I'm gonna have to edit this out.

[Laughs]

Okay, you know what, f*ck you!

You're not even trying.

No, no, no.

I was laughing with you, honey.

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

Come back, come back, come back, come back!

Look...

hey, no, no!

Wait, wait, wait!

Come, come, come.

Come, come.

Look, I'm already at half mast, and you haven't even done anything to me yet.

What are you gonna do to me, by the way?

You gonna use that fly-swatter and squish me like a bug?

I mean, I'm pretty stoned, so that could be fun or terrifying...

or maybe both.

And I guess that's how this is all supposed to work, right, so...

Fairly high, too.

[Both chuckle]

Hey, what if I really like swatting you?

Oh, boy.

What if I just..

Oh.

What if I just threw the sh1t out of you, and I can't get off and don't stop, yeah!

Well, I would remind you that I'm only pretending to be tied up, so...

Oh, God, what if the kids die?

I'm sorry?

What if the kids die because we're high and I'm obsessively swatting you?

I'm sorry, is that...

is that part of this, or are you...

I'm not...

No, I'm sorry.

Is that, um...

stupid?

Yes, I think so?

I don't know.

[Sighs]

So what now?

I mean, you know, you could...

You know...

I think the dominant party would be on the receiving end of that.

Nice try.

I actually read that a lot of women find giving head very empowering.

Yeah, a man definitely concocted that bullshit.

Why don't you go back to the cave and tell them we didn't fall for it.

Okay, so why don't we just have s*x?

I mean, I think smoking weed and having s*x is pretty cool, by suburban-parent standards.

Hmm, whatever.

Sure.

All right.

Geez.

Oof!

Okay, you're gonna be quiet and you're gonna stuff me like a Thanksgiving turkey.

[Gasps]

Okay, now, that...

What?

What?

I thought we were gonna stop peeping on people.

Emma and Lori walking together.

Emma and Lori.

Oh, God!

Emma had a super-bad day!

So?

She's gonna poison or otherwise m*rder Lori.

Whoa, honey, honey, honey.

Okay, I think you established that you might have the THC tolerance of a toddler.

That feels nice.

Yeah?

Oh.

[Laughs]

Yeah?

Yeah.

Geez.

I'm gonna go over there.

What?

I'm gonna go over there just to make sure, because she's made a lot of really f*cked up decisions.

Okay, but don't...

don't completely abandon that fly-swatter thing.

I kind of...

like that.

[Cries over monitor]

All you, babe.

Oh, great.

Okay.

I'll, uh...

I'll tend to my crying child...

while I'm super high and midway through experimenting with light S&M.

Look.

It's Lady Carm-Carm?

You okay?

I don't think so.

I'm currently hallucinating that you and Lori Matherfield are getting high on your porch.

Ooh, you want to join?

Or are you on your way to a performance?

[Both snicker]

Yeah, what the hell?

How much weirder can my night get?

What?

You don't want to know.

This is good.

I am happy and relieved.

This is good.

Nina: Hey.

I am happy and relieved.

This...

You moved out.

Hi.

Remember, you kind of got to pay rent or give up the key, babe.

[Scoffs]

Already moved into my room, huh?

Um, I'm kidding.

Iz, you can by whenever you want...

more often, preferably.

Thanks.

Yay, right?

Yeah, it's my third.

They're all the same.

Jesus.

Ooh, uh...

Were you hoping for something different?

Mm, not when I bought them.

And now?

Well, um...

I know this is good, and I'm happy and relieved, or I am more profoundly f*cked in the head than I thought.

So...

this is good.

And I am happy...

and relieved.

Come here.

There's seriously something wrong with me.

I know.

♪ When your world ♪ ♪ Trembles and quakes ♪ ♪ And your footing ♪ ♪ Suddenly shifts and shakes ♪ ♪ Take my hand ♪ ♪ We'll hide in the corner, hide in the corner ♪ ♪ Take my hand ♪ ♪ We'll hide till it's over, till it's all over ♪ ♪ La, la, la-la, la ♪ ♪ La, la, la-la, la ♪ ♪ La, la-la, la-la ♪ ♪ La, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪