02x06 - What the F is Wrong with You Trakarskys?

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

So, this is happening.

Yeah, yeah.

Izzy took Molly, and...

It's awesome.

So now aphrodisiacs are part of Chicks Night?

That's right.

Come on.

I just finished telling someone that I was the complication.

What someone?

Ruby.

f*ck this.

What the hell happened to you?

I've been staying at my brother's place.

Okay, this is unsettling.

Hi.

There's a perfect sh1t storm brewing.

So, please, I'm asking you to come back with me.

I'm gonna ask you again.

Is that what Emma wants?

'Cause I haven't heard from her.

If you and the professor chick had stayed together, you would have three kids and be the dean of Hamilton High School right now, instead of smoking away your hangover with your nephew.

The dean is interested in hearing your student-services pitch.

Maybe I can thank you for real by taking you out to dinner tomorrow night.

Are you asking me on a date?

Clomid time.

You must really want a kid.

I must.

Yay.

Right?

Were you hoping for something different?

Not when I bought them.

I am more profoundly f*cked in the head than I thought.

♪ ♪ Cool, right?

Mm.

Yeah, cool.

But, um, in a very specific way, you know?

Can't...

can't quite put my finger on it.

Mm.

Kind of a chick's place.

Is that what you mean?

Mm.

I'd say more of a chicks-with-chicks place.

Oh, like you and me.

Yes.

Exactly like you and me.

If we were a couple of lesbians like everyone else in the place.

You think?

Eh, I don't know.

Maybe.

Probably.

So, it's popular with lesbians.

Actually, if you Yelp it...

which, you know, I did, and I bet you did, too...

it doesn't say "Kombucha bar popular with lesbians." It says "Lesbian kombucha bar." My review will say, "One Tegan and Sara song away from being the most lesbian place on Earth." Like a lesbian epicenter.

Which I guess would be a v*g1n*.

Face it, Carm.

This room is a giant v*g1n*.

What are you up to?

Up to?

Mm-hmm.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Carmen.

Fine.

This is...

this is me being...

You know, cool with it.

Yeah, but this...

this place isn't polyamorous or bisexual.

It's, like, clearly for avowed lesbians.

Well, there weren't any bisexual or polyamorous lunch places on Yelp.

Cut me some slack.

I'm making an effort.

That's true.

Thank you.

Izzy's not gay-gay.

I know that for sure.

Wait a second, but you're not for sure about you?

Is that what you're saying?

It took a decade of heteronormative marriage and one s*x fairy to figure out that you're, like, gay-gay?

If I did that to Jack...

He wants a family.

He always has.

So does Izzy, as it turns out.

And you...

do...

Too?

I'm so f*cking scared, Carm.

I feel like...

I feel like I've just been, you know, drifting along and playing along.

And then this alarm went off, and I woke up in the middle of my life.

I have no f*cking clue who I am or...

or what I want, like, sexually, professionally...

or reproductively.

Damn.

Wow.

You're gonna give me a nervous breakdown.

You think I'm having a nervous breakdown?

You think that I'm so confused and guilt ridden that I'm driving myself over the edge?

Ah, you've wedged a lot of zany...

[Mobile ringing]

Hairpin life turns into a very short period of time.

Maybe you're just dizzy.

Ugh, f*ck.

My mom.

Oh.

Moms, man.

She senses you've been a bad girl.

Bet you get grounded.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.

It's your mother.

Man: I'm on the phone, too.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Oh, you guys figured out speaker phone.

Awesome.

Mother: ...

gonna be in your neck of the woods...

... weekend together.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

No, that sounds...

that sounds fun.

Father: Great!

Then we'll be there Friday.

Yes.

Stupendous.

Mother: We might not...

"Stupendous." ...

we'll give it a try.

Okay.

Cool.

Yeah, just call me when you're close.

Okay.

Love you.

Byzie-byzie.

Okay.

Love you too.

Byzie-byzie.

f*ck me.

You okay?

No, I'm not okay.

Em?

Oh, God damn it.

Just grab a seat.

All right.

Oh, my God.

Deep breaths.

Okay, too mu...

way too mu...

Overload.

Overload.

Oh, okay.

You don't want that.

Okay.

My parents are coming to visit.

In an R.V.

that gets, like, five miles to the gallon, because...

Because f*ck the environment.

Global warming's just a conspiracy by "Big Green".

Oh, f*ck me!

Yeah.

Just dumped her.

Not taking it well.

♪ ♪ It's about time you got a job.

Good morning.

Very funny.

Could you possibly take a break so that maybe we could talk?

Neen, this place is a mess.

Apartments don't clean themselves.

Okay.

No...

First, this place isn't a mess.

That's you.

Again.

And second, you don't live here.

Well, I paid my share of the rent this month, so technically I do.

Wait, wait.

Why...

why am I fighting this?

By all means, drop by and play cleaning lady whenever you flip your sh1t.

Thank you.

There's also 10 pounds of dust.

I ran out of spray.

Unh.

That explains why I dreamt that I was living in a giant lemon.

It's not like you were scheming a baby trap, Iz.

For a hot second, you thought you might be pregnant, and you weren't.

You might want to react to that in some emotionally facile way like a lot of other chicks would.

But you're not a lot of other chicks.

You're you.

All f*cking day long.

What else?

Um...

Feels like this whole thing just might crumble down, and I'm gonna be dragging the rubble behind me for the rest of my life.

Hey.

That's not fair.

If it falls apart, the screws were already loose.

Yeah, I probably should have remembered that the suburbs make my skin crawl before I dove into throuple cohabitation.

Okay.

Back to the baby that you aren't having.

Maybe you thought it could be the magnet that, you know, just, like, pulled everything back together?

That sounds so weird and desperate and not at all who I want to be.

Way down deep inside, we are all weird and desperate.

♪ ♪ I love you so much.

Me too.

Are you still dead-solid certain that you're in love with them?

Yeah, I am.

You can do the toilets next.

Thanks.

♪ ♪ Study after study has shown issues ranging from body dysmorphia to anxiety all improve dramatically through counseling.

Through talk therapy.

That's why so many colleges across the country are investing in wellness centers.

And that's just a fancy term for a one-stop shop where adolescents can get their sh1t together, to be honest.

So that's what I am proposing here is a Griffin College Wellness Center, addressed and tailored to the needs of your students.

So, thank you.

I appreciate you listening.

What is it about a guy at the front of the room?

Doesn't even require a guitar or ass-less chaps anymore.

Think they noticed me intermittently peeing myself?

No.

No.

I did, but I was already looking in that general vicinity.

[Laughs]

God, I have no idea why I said that.

That was wildly inappropriate.

Ruby...

Great, now I freaked you out.

No.

Well, you know what, Jack?

I get nervous around you.

And I like it.

You give me butterflies right here.

Wow.

I am kind of wishing I hadn't say all that.

But f*ck it.

You were gonna figure it out soon enough.

I...

I totally understand if you want to bail on our totally platonic, celebratory dinner.

Emma and I brought another woman into our relationship.

Bam.

Now she's in our home.

I did not see that coming.

I know.

Neither did we.

But it happened, and...

We were sleepwalking, you know?

And we brought this other woman in, easy, and she woke us up.

So now we're taking a long, hard look at our lives, for better or for worse, and...

I don't know what's gonna happen next.

But, um, for now, maybe you and I are just...

friends with butterflies.

So, I'll see you tonight for our definitely-not-a-date?

Absolutely.

[Chuckles]

Okay.

♪ She said, she said, watch out ♪ ♪ I'm gonna make you moan ♪ ♪ Watchin', watchin' ♪ Wow.

That's just a whole lot of wow.

Thanks so much, Kylie.

I don't...

I don't even know what to say.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

Okay.

Bye.

Hey.

I, uh...

I have something for you.

Dear God, what is that?

CCK cleanse.

Remember?

You asked me to "hold you to it"?

I did.

CCK stands for cabbage, cayenne, and kale.

And it's disgusting.

Mm.

That's legally poison.

Told ya.

It's good for you.

So, what did Kylie say to give you the glossy-eyed phone-gasm that's happening?

Apparently, um, everyone at Pinnacle is "buzzing" about me.

What?

I'm buzzworthy.

That's amazing, Em.

Good for you.

It is such a prestigious firm.

They have so many cool projects with real budgets, do amazing things.

They take sh1ts bigger than Shepherd Monro.

So...

Just so we're on the same page, are you still just crazy flattered, or have you crossed into seriously considering this?

I...

I don't know.

Uh...

Have you talked to Jack?

Excuse me?

I'll talk to Jack when he comes back home and apologizes to both of us.

Remember?

Yeah...

Upon deeper reflection, is that really fair?

Is it fair?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

He told half the town I'm gay.

He had an emotional affair with his ex-girlfriend.

He left us...

both of us.

Is it f*cking fair?

Well, I'm pretty sure that he sees things differently.

You saw him.

No.

Deny it.

I just did.

Well, then, what, do you speculate, would be his different take on things?

Off the top of my head?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe he'd say that we're less a throuple.

And more a lesbian couple with a dude hovering around the perimeter not taking a hint.

Hmm.

But that's...

that's pure speculation.

Jesus, just blink already.

It doesn't mean that you lost.

This isn't a f*cking game, Emma.

Okay.

Izzy, I'm sorry.

At least I care.

Hey, I care.

I care.

I care.

Don't be mad, okay?

I did see Jack.

Well, yeah.

You're a terrible liar.

I get that a lot.

I tried to convince him to come back.

Clearly it didn't work, which is humiliating.

And now I'm afraid that you're both gonna leave me alone with lots of spare time to hate myself.

You went to go get him, bring him home, and he...

... he refused?

This one an orange?

She's got a real eye.

I'm noticing she likes...

I don't think he's ever coming home, Carm.

Like, ever.

Okay, uh...

Where the f*ck is your wine?

It's ju...

it's on the counter.

Right there.

Hon, why don't you take the kids up to bed now, okay?

Oh.

Hi.

Yeah, okay.

They just had a nap a half hour ago, but, sure, kids are stupid, right?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Come on, baby.

Grab your crayons.

Come on.

Why don't I take a book with me?

Come on.

She's got a headstart.

Here we go.

Yeah, she's way ahead of me.

Won that race.

Days of thunder.

Good night.

Okay.

He hasn't called or texted, and...

and he wouldn't come home even when Izzy went to go get him.

I think it's over, Carm.

Like...

like for real.

I think we're done.

We're done.

Why wasn't it you going to Gabe's house, Em?

Because I wasn't the one who left!

Have you tried calling him?

Oh, my God.

You sound like Izzy.

Okay.

Once more, I am not the one who had the emotional affair.

I am not the one who...

Hey, I know I'm probably, uh, risking some peril wading in here, but, um, I just got to ask one question.

What the f*ck is wrong with you Trakarskys?

Whoa.

Okay.

There's the peril.

I see it.

I'm out.

Let me put it a little more delicately.

What the f*ck is wrong with you Trakarskys?

Izzy and I had a firm agreement that Jack has to come crawling back on his hands and knees and grovel for forgiveness.

Is that followed by the ritual castration, head shaving, and walk of shame?

You might want to consider morable terms for his surrender.

You know, unless you're crafting a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You know, to me, it sounds like the s*x fairy is the only one really trying to keep this whole thing together.

You know what, just back the f*ck off, Dave, okay?

Geez.

I'm sorry.

I didn't feel it coming.

I just kind of heard it at the same time as you guys.

Okay.

Hey, hon?

How 'bout you go upstairs now, huh?

Like all the way?

What, are you sending me to my room?

Why don't you call Weird Janis and her lover and find out the appropriate attire for this cleansing ceremony?

Or hors d'oeuvres and eagle release.

Whatever it is.

Go.

Okay, fine.

Mom.

Ugh!

Oh and if it has anything to do with my butt, it's a hard pass!

I'll give you a hard pass!

Um...

What was I talking about?

Okay, you do realize that you can't just say "Weird Janis and her lover" and then jump back in conversation, right?

Oh, it's some freaky chick at his agency.

She's been trying to get us to go up to her place in the woods for years.

We're finally going tomorrow night, and I have this irrational fear we'll spend the rest of our lives as captives tending to our marijuana and radish gardens.

So, what's the plan with Hal and Rita?

Oh, sh1t.

Oh, sh1t.

My parents tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I think I've been suppressing that whole thing so my head doesn't spontaneously explode.

Oh, f*ck.

But you do have a plan, right?

Because they may be old, but they're gonna notice if there's a chick sleeping where Jack's supposed to be.

I tried to go upstairs.

I really did.

But your situation is so...

compelling and f*cked up, that I physically couldn't stay away.

You need to call your husband, Mrs.

Trakarsky, and you need to tell him to get his ass back to your house so he can help you hoodwink your hyper-conservative parents.

And then you need to get this s*x fairy the f*ck out of Dodge for a few days.

Okay, there is no version of this universe in which I call Jack and ask for his help.

No f*cking way.

Okay, fine.

Then Dave will just go get him.

Yeah.

Then I will just have to go...

wh...

what?

Don't make me get the fly swatter.

Up.

Honey...

Why would you get... ?

You know what, I don't even want to know, 'cause there is no room in here.

All right.

So...

This is what we've got to work with.

This is what we have to work with, yes.

You guys are not helping.

What's the venue?

It's an Italian place she picked out.

It's called, uh, "Ask For Luigi"?

Ooh!

No, that's definitely a date restaurant.

Mm.

Pretty much every chick that goes there comes out with a baby bump and a ring.

That's not what's happening here.

You do know anxiety restricts your blood flow?

I'm sure Gabe here can hook you up with some of his extra-strength Viagra for chronic impotence.

Oh, please, you waifish preemie.

Everyone knows that the active ingredient in Viagra is my superhuman testosterone.

It's magic.

Did you actually just call your son a "waifish preemie"?

Don't worry, I hear like 4% of what he says.

Everything else just sounds like a dying water buffalo stuck in a tar pit.

Please tell me that's the reject pile.

Okay, you know what?

That's it.

I don't need this.

No, no, no.

I may be a jock, but I knows ma clothes.

Okay, Gabriel, I need you to get me that thrift-store plaid sports jacket.

And, Dad, I need you to get me the only cool tie you own, the one that you think is too skinny.

Oh, and grab your tie clip.

Go!

Jack?

Yes?

You know that rambly fast-talk thing you do?

Yeah, it's pretty charming...

No, it's annoying as sh1t.

Don't do it.

I don't think that's the consensus.

Both: Uh, yeah, it is.

Yeah, I got to go with the girls on this on.

You just talk sparingly, and you never break eye contact.

Like dragon eyes.

Zzzz.

Uh, conversely, that sounds a bit r*pe-y.

Worked on you.

Uncle Jack, you okay?

You know what, I don't even do the rambly thing anymore, okay?

And, sorry, but I'm gonna wear whatever the f*ck I want.

Is that the jacket?

Yeah.

It's lovely.

Can I...

Yeah.

♪ ♪ It's pretty great.

Sketch much?

You stalking me now?

I'm grounded.

If I have to watch one more reality show about drunk, forty-something rich chicks, I'll will myself to have a deadly aneurysm.

Aw, that's super sad.

Now go the f*ck away.

So, why are you hiding out like a teenager to smoke weed?

Well, I was enjoying the solitude.

You're hiding.

I'm taking some me time.

In a shed?

Fine.

Emma has me on a t*rture cleanse.

Says I smoke too much pot, which, given my thrice-a-day habit, is...

... an objective fact.

But at this point, I don't think I can last another second in suburgatory without the help of marijuana.

Are you happy now?

We have a lot in common.

No.

[Clears throat]

So?

Let's do this thing.

Ava, I'm not getting you high.

Well, if you don't share, I'll tell Emma that you were sneaking out back to...

No.

Stop.

Don't do that anymore.

I'm not Lori.

Who are you talking to?

Come on.

Please.

Just...

just this once?

I swear I won't tell.

Just this once.

Actually, you know what, this feels like one of those sober, second-thought opportunities that mark the end of cerebral adolescence, so I...

Let me be excruciatingly clear.

If you tell Lori about this, I will...

You'll break my legs?

Eat my face and puke in my exposed skull?

Yep.

Legit would do all those things, and worse.

You know, this'll make you feel better.

Apparently Jack got high with his nephew Gabriel, and he's just a freshman.

How would you know that?

Well, Gabriel told his sister Marina, who told Bailey Meyer, who told me, so I Facebooked Gabriel and he says it's true.

They're, like, best buds now.

Jack tells him everything.

Really?

Like what?

Give me something.

You mean something like...

Jack has a big, romantic dinner with an ex-girlfriend tonight?

Hey!

Not the weed!

Just helping you with your cleanse.

Unh!

Hey.

Hi.

What were you doing in the backyard?

Um, I was taking a walk in the woods.

Clear my head.

To get high?

Done with the cleanse already?

I don't even have any.

Well, good for you.

Yep.

Are you expecting someone?

Not really.

Oh, hey, Dave.

Hey.

Who would never show up at my house unannounced.

Hm.

Unless he was on a mission.

Probably under orders from his wife.

It's nothing like that.

I was just in the neighborhood.

Oh, yeah, it's gated.

That's weird.

Who are you seeing?

The Rutherfords.

Todd and...

Muffy?

Can I talk to Jack, please?

No.

Excuse me?

Yeah, you heard me.

No.

Look, I know you're here to stop him from going on his date with an actual heterosexual woman, so no.

Jack has a date already?

Yeah.

He's not calling it that, but everybody else knows what it is.

Okay, so you're just actively trying to break up Jack and Emma's marriage?

Yeah, and you're here to actively delay the inevitable.

I just want to borrow him for a few days so they can play the happy couple for Emma's parents.

You know, it seems to me that Emma's made her bed.

Now she's got to sleep in it.

With a young, hot woman.

In front of her horrified parents.

What is your stake in this?

Why won't you just let me talk to my friend?

'Cause I love my brother, okay?

And she broke him.

Dave?

Hey.

What's going on?

What are you doing here?

Emma's parents are coming to town.

What?

When?

Like, tomorrow.

Oh.

You know what you have to do, right?

You're the one who said that she learned how to re-ride that bike.

Is the bike a...

It's a v*g1n*.

v*g1n*.

All right?

Listen to me.

If you go on this date tonight instead of going to help Emma survive the next two days, when she knows that I came here to get you...

There's no turning back.

That's it.

It's over.

[Man singing opera]

Oh, no, no, no.

I didn't...

On me.

May I make a suggestion?

Don't show up 10 minutes early like a complete dork?

Knock that back and take a walk around the block.

I'll reset the table.

Let him wait a little.

I like the way you think.

I still believe in this.

In the three of us.

I know we've all made mistakes.

A lot.

A lot, a lot, over an insanely short period of time.

But...

We can fix this.

We can put it back together.

Doesn't seem like he wants to.

What do you mean?

Dave went to go get him and bring him back home.

Save me from my parents' scorn.

But that's not looking good.

What?

I know who he's with.

♪ Unh-unh, up in the hood ♪ ♪ I swear they look good, we don't need to leave ♪ ♪ Got no one to please ♪ Ruby.

Hey.

Hi.

♪ I'll love you more the lower we go ♪ ♪ Sixty below, feel it and flow ♪ ♪ The boom, the bust, my heart beats small ♪ ♪ Heart, heart, heart, heart, heart ♪ ♪ We've gone down unafraid ♪ ♪ Going up and down on the floor ♪ ♪ Up-down, up-down, up-down, up-down ♪ ♪ To burn and kick down that door ♪ ♪ Going deeper than ever before ♪ ♪ Up-down, up-down, up-down, up-down ♪ ♪ Go 'head, now, go 'head, now ♪ ♪ Go 'head now, and blow the bass ♪