02x07 - Weird Janis and the White Trash Baby Vessel

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

So, this is happening.

Listen to me.

I just finished telling someone that I was the complication.

What someone?

Ruby.

f*ck this.

[Door slams]

[Knock on door]

Izzy: Jack left, and you said he never leaves.

Clomid time.

You must really want a kid.

Jack: Maybe I can thank you for real by taking you out to dinner tomorrow night.

I have no f*cking clue what I want sexually or reproductively.

I'm falling for you.

I have to get to class.

I'm scared shitless.

I can't sleep.

Do you really think that I'm rebound girl?

Well, define rebound.

Why don't you call Weird Janis and her lover and find out the appropriate attire for this cleansing ceremony?

Okay, fine...

Mom.

You do realize that you can't just say "Weird Janis and her lover." Oh, it's some freaky chick at his agency.

Let me be excruciatingly clear.

If you tell Lori about this, I will...

You'll break my legs?

This'll make you feel better.

Jack has a big, romantic dinner with an ex-girlfriend tonight?

If you go on this date tonight instead of going to help Emma survive the next two days, when she knows that I came here to get you, there's no turning back.

I know who he's with.

Ruby.

[Doorbell rings]

Do you think it's Jack?

He has a key.

Right.

Oh, God.

What?

My parents could be early.

Well, you're gonna have to answer the door at some point, Em.

We can do this.

Yeah.

Oh, what?

You want me to hide?

[Doorbell rings]

You want me to hide?

Not so much hide.

Just...

... don't be seen.

Like, stay up here.

Sure.

Awesome.

Bring me some leftovers.

[Ringing continues]

[Sighs]

Don't forget about me.

Coming!

Lose your key?

Can I come in?

sh1t, yeah.

Come on in.

It's, uh...

You don't need an invitation.

So, uh...

Did you really have a date?

It wasn't a date.

What was it?

Something I decided not to do.

[Scoffs]

Well, I guess I should be grateful, right?

I mean, at least you didn't...

I love you.

I love you.

[Footsteps approaching]

Yay!

The other dickhead is back!

[Chuckles]

I could've done that, you know, 'cause I am like a m*therf*cking yoga ninja.

[All chuckle]

I don't know how other throuples do it without one of them always feeling like they were the odd human out.

Is there a support group for polyamory somewhere?

Please, there's a support group for dandruff sufferers.

Did I hear that right?

You wanna work this out?

I should've come and gotten you.

I never should've left.

Emma's made me give up everything worth living for.

Uh, she means toxic levels of booze, weed, and pizza.

She's making me drink this disgusting potion that's supposed to, like, cut the pot out of your fat cells, but, really, all it's doing is just, like, destroying my entire digestive system.

Oh, cry me a river with your brave and harrowing cleanse journey.

I..

[Sighs]

I die a little every second I'm at work.

And with rent this high, I'm gonna have to start my firm in a yurt, so I win.

[Laughter]

Guess we're all caught up now.

Yeah.

Um...

except for Seattle?

Is that a thing, Em?

Yeah.

Is it?

No.

Not anymore.

How about we, uh, keep working on that whole "f*ck it out" thing?

Yeah, "f*cking it out" is a versatile and indispensable relationship salve.

♪ ♪ ♪ There's no one that I love ♪ ♪ More than you ♪ ♪ And I'm still running wild ♪ [Laughs]

Jack: So, when does the Seaver RV come and crash the party?

Oh, sh1t.

Oh, there's so much to do.

Like what?

The house is clean.

Reeks horribly of pumpkin spice...

Okay, can you give the f*cking candles a break already?

Sorry.

That was a little over the top.

My parents make me a tad...

psychotic.

Speaking of your parents, what's the plan for this one right here?

And we're back to referring to me in the third person.

Awesome.

Guess what...

"this one" is right here, and she has ears on both sides of her head.

I also hate it when you guys do the married-forever telepathy thing so I don't know what's going on.

Look at you.

Right?

Look at her.

How do you wake up so pretty?

I know.

It's truly amazing.

Mm-hmm.

What's happening?

Okay, here's the dealio...

You gotta leave.

What?

Well done.

So gentle.

It's true.

What?!

Just...

Wait.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, the keeper of the g*dd*mn throuple flame is the one that has to go?

[Cellphones chime]

sh1t.

sh1t.

Baby doc appointment.

I completely spaced that.

30 minutes.

We gotta go.

We can drop her off on the way.

Okay, one more third-person reference, and I'm gonna f*cking snap.

Hey.

You do understand the fundamental principle of why I needed to get back here before Hal and Rita landed, right?

Izzy, I'm sorry...

but there's no version of "normal suburban life" that includes you.

Hal and Rita already think the only reason we don't have a kid is that we're too weird and we don't want one badly enough.

[Sighs]

Okay, so what does happen to me if you're pregnant?

Is that where I get off?

Because "there's no version of normal suburban life that includes me"?

No.

No.

A baby doesn't change the three of us.

Oh, do you promise that?

Yeah.

Promise.

Izzy, we love you.

And our baby would love you, too.

Jack and Emma's baby in Jack and Emma's house?

It's fine.

I'll stay at Nina's for a few nights.

Right, it'll just be a few nights, so...

Yeah.

And then we'll come and get you, and we'll bring you home.

Okay.

♪ ♪ I think that went relatively well.

I don't.

♪ ♪ So, that's...

that's it?

[Sighs]

But we had so much s*x.

I'm very sorry.

But, no, Emma, that's not "it." Fertility medication is just one path to conception.

Okay, so what would be next?

Well, based on what we know, my professional recommendation would be surrogacy.

So it would still be our baby, but just in somebody else's womb?

A carefully screened but qualified surrogate from a reputable agency.

All right, well, how do we start?

Well, how about we start with a conversation?

Well...

A private conversation?

I...

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to jump ahead.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Take your time.

Make sure you're both on the same page...

bringing a third person into your relationship in such an intimate way can be emotionally complex and challenging.

You have no idea.

♪ ♪ So just barely introduce the Vermouth, like wave it over the glass.

Oh, and I'll take some of those blue cheese olives you got there.

Oh.

Right..

Chat later.

You going camping?

Yeah, at your place.

I'm the odd chick out again.

I thought Jack was down and out, and Emma was going full flannel in the Emerald City?

Yeah, Jack's back.

We got all schmaltzy, we had crazy amazing makeup s*x, but her parents are showing up tonight, so I'm in a time-out so they can play normal for a couple days.

Got it.

Okay.

sh*t.

[Sighs]

God!

I miss you...

and downtown and binge drinking...

and you.

You'd be welcomed back with open arms, just say the word.

Starting to worry that it's not gonna be up to me.

Another.

Please.

Hit me.

What?!

Talk to me.

Think of me as your bartender.

You are my bartender.

Oh, yeah.

[Chuckles]

Okay, so what's going on?

They're meeting with their baby doc.

What if they're pregnant?

Well, wouldn't they call you?

Maybe not.

Maybe they're too busy trying to figure out how to spring the good news on her parents.

Okay, let's connect the dots here, Iz.

You were legit bummed about not being knocked up the other day.

[Sighs]

I don't know, man.

It's...

That baby would've belonged to the three of us because he or she was conceived when we were all together.

But this baby would be all theirs...

something they started way before me.

sh*t.

Give me that!

Spill it, sista.

Let it all out.

It's just, maybe I'm just a...

... kooky blip they gradually stop talking about and pretend to forget.

Are you supposed to do that?

Nope!

Okay.

Here's my bartender wisdom...

You need to find out if the Griswolds are really in it before you waste any more of your hot years.

You know what I'm getting real sick of?

Trying harder than the other two to make this relationship work.

Sorry, how was that?

Oh, my God.

What kind of relationship are you in?

It doesn't matter.

I got things to do.

Yeah, you do, right after you fix that dude a martini.

Oh, no hurry...

I just come here to sit in a really uncomfortable chair and watch sports on my phone.

So what do I do?

You don't do anything.

It's their move.

I hope they have the common decency to be miserable without me.

♪ You won't even need my name ♪ ♪ I'm here for you to bleed me dry ♪ ♪ You're gonna make me feel so chic ♪ ♪ You're gonna leave me high and dry ♪ Hey.

Thanks for this.

I needed to think of anything other than my persistent infertility.

[Chuckling]

It's fine.

I get it.

Do you think we're making a mistake sending Izzy away every time she's an inconvenience?

I mean, we already broke up with her twice.

Yeah, but this is different.

This is a...

three-day elaborate lie.

Yeah.

Which, to her, probably means that we're not sure this is permanent, right?

Which makes us the dickheads that she keeps calling us.

Exactly.

Okay, so what do we do?

How do we explain her presence here?

Housekeeper?

Does she know how to do accents?

[Chuckles]

Okay, that's at least moderately r*cist.

What?

No.

It's not r*cist at all.

I didn't specify which accent, so...

[Gasps]

Ding, ding, ding.

I have an idea, a brilliant idea that not only brings Izzy back but it makes my parents so happy that I won't need to take all the pain K*llers I've stored in the freezer.

You have painkillers in the freezer?

Um...

now that you are Notorious Orgy Girl, I'm gonna keep Andy safely locked away at his place for a couple nights.

Excuse me.

Hey, Michelle.

I wasn't trying to eavesdrop...

I'm not really "Notorious Orgy Girl." She was just joking.

Don't care.

So, when you said the name Andy, were you referring to Andy Cutler?

I've seen you guys together, right?

Yeah.

So?

Let me guess...

things are getting real serious real fast even though he just got out of something else?

Oh, well, maybe.

Yeah, well, that's his thing.

He's a love junkie.

You know, the chase, the courtship, the dizzy, buzzy, fuzzy, can't-get-enough stuff.

Oh, my God.

[Chuckles]

What, that's his sh1t?

That's his sh1t.

Dude's a serial monogamist, doesn't break between steadies.

It's firsthand Intel, woman to woman.

Neen, Neen...

that's just her side of it.

Yeah, except it fits like a f*cking glove.

[Cellphone chimes]

What?

What's that?

It's nothing.

No.

Stop.

"Come home"?

f*ck them.

Okay, f*ck them, f*ck Andy, f*ck everyone.

Let's just dump everybody and...

and go back to being you and me, okay?

"Izni." Izni?

We have a couples name?

That's so dumb.

I love it!

I gotta get another tattoo.

What do you mean another tattoo?

[Sighs]

Might as well just get this over with.

I think you misspelled.

No, it's not "edgy." It's E-J-I.

Like Emma-Jack-Izzy?

My God.

I know.

It's so big.

It's so dumb.

We were...

we were really drunk.

It's bad.

[Sighs]

So what should I do?

Well, I think the answer's right there on your ass.

[Chuckles]

They made the move.

Go home, dummy.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm being a total narcissistic douche for leaving you after that chick just...

I'm gonna stay 'cause...

No.

Go.

Go.

Seriously.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[Sighs]

♪ ♪ "Serial monogamist." [Chuckling]

Ouch, right?!

♪ ♪ Got milk, so Lucky Charms are a safe but dependably fulfilling option.

Treasure found.

Hot Pockets.

Which ice cream pairs best?

Salted Caramel.

Duh.

[Humming to the tune of "Hot Blooded"]

♪ It's a ♪ ♪ Hot Pocket, nuke it and see ♪ [Snorts, chuckles]

Wow!

That...

That was...

quite a performance.

I thought that you were...

Shh.

Okay.

You're obviously stoned.

So who made this moment possible for you?

Hmm?

You don't have a car.

You haven't left the house.

And...

be advised if I catch you lying to me, you will never set butt cheek in that lovely car of yours again.

Oh.

Did I mention I've found you a ride to school so I'm no longer punishing myself?

Missy Carrington.

Missy Carrington?

Mm-hmm.

She smells like asparagus pee.

Hold your breath.

It's only three semesters.

It was Izzy.

Izzy gave it to me.

[Voice breaking]

I'm definitely getting my face eaten off.

♪ ♪ [Crickets chirping, owl hoots]

Dave: Wow, Janis, this place is far out.

Carmen: So to speak.

Janis: Hashtag blessed that you finally came.

The mosquitos don't bother you out here?

[Both laugh]

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

[Note plays]

[Recorder plays]

I'm a little scared right now.

[Playing continues]

[Whispering]

We could run.

I want to run.

Get it...

you're our surrogate, all filled up with my eggs and Jack's sperm.

It's brilliant.

Right?

And the very concept of grandchildren will surge so many endorphins to their sixty-something frontal lobes, they'll basically be stoned the whole time.

Mm-hmm.

They'll forget all about Mexicans and gays and the government's imminent seizure of their g*ns.

Iz?

Izzy?

[Sighs]

Don't you like the plan?

I have a question.

As your surrogate, why would I be living in your guest room?

I'm pretty sure that that's not the uzhe.

Because you're uneducated and poor.

Right!

That's the brilliance of the plan.

Ohhhh, right.

Okay, so I'm your white-trash baby vessel.

Loving it.

So when you're done with my womb, do I just move back into my trailer or... ?

Okay, I hear you saying you're loving it, but I don't feel you loving it.

It's just make-believe.

We came up with a way you could stay.

I mean, what's...

what's the problem?

I guess when I read "Come home!," I had this naively idealistic notion that we were gonna bravely live our truth together.

[Chuckles]

What?

With...

with my parents?

With Hal and Rita?

Yeah, no.

Yeah, you haven't met them yet.

This is not a time for truth.

So we're just gonna lie to them forever?

Of course not.

They'll die some day.

Yeah.

I mean they're not immortal.

[Sighs]

[Knock on door]

Oh, man.

Do I seriously have to act stupid this whole time?

Yes.

Yes.

So f*cked up.

Hey.

Is Izzy around?

It's no biggie, just not being an assh*le or anything.

[Wolf howls]

So, Janis...

why did I have the idea that you two have been together for like 15 years?

Caleb here would've been a toddler.

In a way, we've been together forever, since before time.

And what about in the other way?

Roughly three weeks.

Wow.

'Cause I feel like you've been talking about having a, uh...

a "lover" - is that right?

- since we started working together.

Well, the names may change, but what they mean to me does not.

Huh.

So why do you think you're here?

After all this time deflecting my invitations?

Oh, no, it's not that.

Oh, no deflecting.

No, we just, you know...

we have very nutty...

Busy lives.

I mean, we have kids, right?

So it's constantly...

Viruses and flus and...

Abrasions and cuts.

You're on a quest.

You're looking for something, yes?

Yes.

[Laughing]

Yes!

I asked them, Caleb.

Well, you know, I...

I think we have been looking for something.

Something we lost.

Somewhere along the line, we...

we became...

uncool.

Ah!

I see that.

Yes.

Janis: Not long ago, I had another lover.

She was a mustang, wild and wise.

I miss her.

But she wasn't literally a horse, right?

Like, please tell me she wasn't.

Can I ask you what is in this?

Because it is fantastic.

I'm...

I'm like...

It is literally putting me in a better mood.

Is that possible?

It's a rare Indian dish called beh!

It's tofu, white beans, onion, ginger, coriander, turmeric, 'shrooms, and a dash of Ayahuasca.

Excuse me?

What was that?

[Loudly]

Oh, it's a rare Indian dish...

No, no, no, you don't have to yell again.

I just want to hear the last two ingredients.

'Shrooms and Ayahuasca.

[Both laugh]

Put the spoon in the bowl.

Put the spoon in the bowl.

You what?

I...

I would just like to point out once again, that I'm not being an assh*le.

Everyone makes mistakes.

For example, sometimes your neighbors invite a young woman into their relationship who then goes on to teach your teenage daughter to do dr*gs.

Can we not say "dr*gs" like I was tapping her veins?

I gave her a little weed after she begged and pleaded and swore she wouldn't tell.

And come the f*ck on.

You don't actually believe this was her first time.

[Sighs]

She's found my weed so many times I've run out of hiding places that don't require cavity searches.

So you were insinuating that Izzy introduced Ava to dr*gs to what?

Make this a bigger f*cking deal?

Mnh-mnh.

Jack: Oh.

If it talks like an assh*le and walks like an assh*le...

Did you tell her that, uh...

you and I smoked pot on that porch two nights ago?

Wha...

You big, fat hypocrite!

Okay.

We...

Do you remember when you briefly had credibility?

Do you miss it?

Does it keep in touch?

Hey, Izzy, still, you did give Lori Matherfield's daughter pot.

Uh...

Will there ever be a time you don't use my whole name like extended profanity?

Just for sh1ts and giggles, maybe one time, you can make an adult decision?

Oh, you mean like calling an escort because your s*x life's a snore?

Or smoking pot with your 14-year-old nephew?

Oh, God.

Yeah, and now we're playing this big ruse that I'm their white-trash surrogate so I can stay while her parents visit.

First, she's a hooker, then she's their niece, then she's their sugar baby, and now she's the baby mama?

You guys are f*cking loony, man.

[Chuckles]

Okay, you little sh1t.

Now you've narced me out and called me a hooker, so I'm gonna give you an ass b*ating your mom should've given you a long time ago.

Big threats from such a little chick.

I'm not so little!

Let's do this thing.

I'm ready.

I'm gonna end you.

You want to go?

Yeah, I'm ready to go.

You think you're so tough?

[Animals calling]

Caleb: I feel so comfortable with you two already.

[Farts]

Oh, come on, Caleb.

That is not okay.

Janis: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Dave go home.

Shh.

Ahhh.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop!

I hear something.

[Car horn plays tune]

Is that...

It's Hal and Rita.

Oh, God.

[La Luz's " I Wanna Be Alone (With You)" plays]

♪ Nobody can tell me ♪ ♪ I can't do as I please ♪ ♪ I wanna be alone, o-o-oh ♪ ♪ Alone with you ♪ ♪ As we move into night ♪ ♪ Don't gotta be so shy ♪ ♪ I wanna be alone, o-o-oh ♪ ♪ Alone with you ♪