04x18 - Whatever Floats Your Goat Boat

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bunk'd". Aired July 2015 - current.*
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"Bunk'd" is a "Jessie" spin-off revolving around Emma, Ravi, and Zuri Ross at a rustic summer camp in Maine, where their parents met as teens. Along with their new friends, the trio tries their best to settle into their exciting new lives at Camp Kikiwaka.
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04x18 - Whatever Floats Your Goat Boat

Post by bunniefuu »

Good mornin', campers!

Don't worry, Lou.

One day you'll get that "good mornin'" back.

Anyhoo, I hope you're all excited because this week, we take our yearly cabin photos!

Okay...

Looks like I'm gonna have to start putting more sugar in the oatmeal.

(ALL CHEERING)

They take pictures of the cabins?

Do they change that much every year?

Well, considering all the fires and sinkholes, yeah, I guess they kind of do.

But she means taking pictures of us.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

There's that awful party boat again!

It's been blasting music almost nonstop since it showed up on our lake.

Just try to ignore it.

Stop dancing!

You're doing it, too!

I am?

Oh, man!

The b*at, it moves me!

My uncle got married on a party boat.

My cousin went overboard diving for the bouquet.

The bride had a great arm and I'd already committed!

Great!

Now I'm doing it!

It's only a matter of time before it spreads to my hips!

Ah, there it is.

This music is too much.

I guess I gotta take care of this.

Lou, if you need to take care of a problem, I know a girl who can do it quietly.

It's me.

Thank you for the creepy offer, Gwen, but I'll just talk to the owner.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Okay, fine, everyone!

We can dance it out for five seconds.

Time!

Okay, that was fun.

Nobody get used to it.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

That b*at got me again.

Hey, Ava, can I ask you a favor?

- I'd rather you didn't.

- Great, thanks.

I offered to go with Lou to her meeting today with the party boat guy.

I'm gonna be her backup.

And you want me to teach you how to fight.

You don't have a lot to work with.

How do you feel about biting?

Oh, no, I meant emotional backup.

Emotionally, I'm pretty swole from all the heavy lifting I've been doing with my therapist.

You can't tell right now, but I'm flexing my heart.

Noah, why is this conversation happening?

Oh, um, right.

Do you think you could watch Finn and Matteo for me while I'm gone with Lou?

You're asking me?

I know, it surprised me, too.

Well, I accept.

Those boys are like brothers to me.

Except I like them.

Thank you so much.

Here's a list of foods Matteo's tummy is sensitive to.

And another list with all the foods Finn will stick up his nose.

It's amazing what he can fit in there.

It's like a magician's hat.

Noah, I've been a great counselor all summer.

I can handle this.

So, where are your campers?

- What are you, the cops?

- Okie-doke.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Ooh, is that sparkly camouflage?

Who are we going to battle with?

Is it fairies or the elves?

You better pray it's the elves.

It's highlighter.

I'm trying out new looks to prep for the cabin photo.

That way I can look and feel my best.

After all, these camp pictures are going to be around forever.

- Forever?

- Yup.

For the rest of my life, I can look back and remember this as the Summer of Glisten.

Then maybe they'll stop bringing up the Spring of Too Much Bronzer.

Wow, you're really good at that.

Where did you learn?

Just from tutorials online.

There are internet celebrities who make a ton of money doing them.

- How?

- No one knows.

Hey, tell me, what vibe does this give off?

I'm getting Destiny's face.

What about passionate activist who's not afraid to sparkle?

Oh, yeah, that too.

I'm glad you have me here for emotional backup.

Again, I never asked you to do that.

If things start going south, I'll tap in and say "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed." That will destroy him.

(IN BOSTON ACCENT)

What's up, clamshells?

I'm your boat guy.

Wicked pleasure to meet ya.

The name's Boomer Gower.

- "Boomah"?

- No, Boomer.

- Boomer?

- Bettah!

So, your email said that my boat parties are too loud for you?

Yes, they've been very disruptive to our camp and probably the surrounding environment.

Maybe instead of dropping the b*at, you could quietly pick it up, place it on a shelf, and then burn the shelf.

I really can't.

I'm throwing campaign parties for Moose Rump's Mayor and his election is this week.

Hmm, well, I'm sure he'd love to know how much these parties are upsetting Moose Rumpians.

Sounds like you should take it up with the Mayor.

But I happen to know a lot of Moose Rumpians who also love my party boat.

I'm sure it's a great boat, but...

You bet your lobster tail it is!

It's got two bathrooms.

For two different parties!

Is he saying two parties, or two potties?

I said pah-tees!

Not pot-ties!

Who is this guy?

Noah, don't embarrass me.

You know what, I will take it up with the May-ah.

Mayor.

Good day!

I'm not disappointed, I'm just mad.

Dang it!

I got nervous.

You guys have spent so much time with Noah and his lists, I wanted to give you a chance to spread your wings.

Wings?

We're bird watching?

Oh, man, you really fooled me with that football and when you said we would absolutely not be doing any bird watching.

Actually, I'm going to show you both how to throw the perfect spiral.

Unless Noah's already taught you.

(ALL LAUGH)

(ALL SIGH)

We have fun.

Matteo, you're center.

- Of what?

- Just stand right here.

Finn, go long!

Is this long enough?

No, I meant run over there.

Oh, go far.

It's okay, I get words mixed up too.

Matteo, hut, hut!

- What, what?

- Hike!

Where?

Were you guys raised in captivity?

Finn, coming to you.

I got it.

(SCREAMS)

Finn!

Finn, are you okay?

Is it bad?

(GROANS)

Um...

Would you believe me if I said no?

Gwen, you've been in there awhile.

Is everything okay?

GWEN: Not exactly.

I just wanted to look and feel my best for the picture so I found an online tutorial and...

(DOOR OPENS)

(SCREAMS)

Sorry I screamed.

That was actually my not-that-bad scream.

But...

Can I ask about the bananas?

I don't want to talk about the bananas!

It's fine, this is fine.

Then why won't you look at me in the eye?

Because I can't tell where your eyes are!

Ah, the Mayor's office.

Reminds me of my political career, when I was elected Permanent Assistant to the Lunch Lady.

Please let me do the talking.

Boomer?

What are you doing here?

Wait, are you the Mayor of Moose Rump?

(CHUCKLES)

That's ridiculous.

This is the Mayor of Moose Rump.

Meet Mayor Higgins.

Sweet baby turtles.

That goat is the Mayor?

Uh, yeah!

And I'm the Mayor's Chief of (IMITATING GOAT)

Sta-a-a-aff.

(SIGHS)

Nothin'?

So he's your goat?

I like to think of him as the people's goat.

But, also, yes, he is my goat.

And it's the goat who doesn't want to stop your noisy parties?

We happen to see eye to freaky goat eye on a lot of things.

Okay, we're all talking like this goat is actually the Mayor.

Like, could my trombone run for mayor if I put a tie on it and started calling it Mr. Toots?

Noah, lots of towns have animals as novelty mayors.

But they're not the real mayor.

I beg to differ.

This goat b*at out human candidates last year.

That's why nobody's running against him now.

This can't get any crazier.

Well, now I'm running against him.

I stand corrected.

And, Noah, you're gonna be my campaign manager.

Sure!

Why not?

And Mr. Toots can be Chief of Police.

Ta-dow!

Well, what do you think?

Wow.

Good wow?

Or bad wow?

We can try another one of my dresses if you want.

There's plenty where that came from.

You like light pink or dark pink?

Isn't dark pink just red?

For the sake of our friendship, I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that.

So?

I don't know, it's just different.

How will I know when I look and feel my best?

I know what you need.

Let's take you around camp for a test drive.

That way you can see how it feels when you're out living the Gwen life!

Good idea.

A survival hike it is!

Gwendolyn, so help me, I am not dying in this outfit.

Arts and crafts it is!

Okay, so, Finn's at the nurse's getting his nose fixed but we're not going to tell Noah because we don't want him to worry.

Got it?

Okay.

Got it.

Hey, guys!

Where's Finn?

He's getting his nose...

Who knows where he is?

Because we're playing hide and seek, and he's just way too good at this game.

We may never see him again.

Right, Matteo?

You really wanna toss it back to me?

Um, Ava, can you watch the boys for a little while longer?

I have to help Lou win an election against a goat.

Great!

Have fun!

You don't have any follow-up questions about what I just said?

Nope.

Goat election.

Got it.

Hey, you should make your trombone Chief of Police.

What is happening?

Okay, well, what do you wanna to do now?

Nothing dangerous.

I know the perfect thing that's as super safe as it is super fun.

Well...

It is super safe.

How can you not like bird watching?

At any moment, a brown-chested warbler could land on that tree, and then we could write down "a brown-chested warbler "landed on that tree!" Ah, sports.

(SIGHS)

Fine.

Let me see those.

Hey, wait, I do see a brown-chested bird!

A warbler?

Does he have a cheeky little tuft?

He does!

Oh, my gosh, it's so cheeky!

Hey, it doesn't count unless I see it too!

Uh, I'm not done yet.

You don't even like this.

The blue-footed booby is just a joke to you.

A hilarious joke.

- (THUDS)

- (GASPS)

Matteo, I'm so sorry!

Are you hurt?

Nah, this is great.

I'm seeing lots of little birdies.

What a day.

Natalie said you looked fantastic, and Old-Timey Oliver called you "prettier to look at than a bag of beans." Trust me, he doesn't just throw that around.

Everyone's staring.

It just feels like that, but if they are it's because they're noticing your new look.

That's the idea.

I guess so.

I just feel weird.

Trust me, you don't look that different.

Hey, Gwen, you look different!

In fact, you should find an animal and have it run as mayor as your political puppet.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Oh, I've had a day.

Hey, girls.

Gwen!

You look fancy.

Are you headed somewhere hoity-toity like a livestock auction or a lumberyard?

Actually, I was thinking I might head back to the cabin.

I'm kind of tired.

Thanks for your help today, Destiny.

Any time!

Hey, campaign manager!

I'm actually getting so psyched to be mayor and do some good things for Moose Rump.

First, I'll start by helping Destiny clean up the lake, and then I'll put on some community events.

Wait, one just came to me.

Livestock auction at a lumberyard.

We'll call it Lumberstock.

Uh, not so fast.

I know, I know.

I rushed it.

Woodstock.

Was right there.

No, I mean we have bigger problems.

This goat is k*lling you in the latest polls.

Hopefully that will change after the debate tomorrow.

Wait, I have to debate a goat?

Yes!

And we've got our work cut out for us.

Mayor Higgins really has some charisma.

The more I think about that tie, he just looks like a businessman I can trust.

Noah, focus.

Okay, just think of the debate like a performance.

Use your hands in ways that make you look powerful, like, um...

A superhero, or flight attendants.

Yeah.

I am not gonna do that.

Okay, but people really love what the goat has to say.

Which is mainly just...

(IMITATES GOAT)

Baah!

Wait, can you "Baah"?

No, I can't.

And, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

You're right, we should come up with a noise that's just yours.

Um, how about boi-yoi-yoi-yoing?

Hey, look, another thing I'm not gonna do.

Then, you mind if I use it?

Felt real good just now.

Thanks, Destiny, for helping me out.

Always happy to assist with a makeover for the cabin picture.

So, uh, about that.

My makeup emergency is not for the pictures...

(SCREAMS)

Ugh, people have got to stop doing this to me.

What happened to you guys?

Ava threw a perfect spiral and I caught it with my face.

And I'm a bird-watching bad boy.

Destiny, can you do some of your makeup magic on these guys so that Noah doesn't think I'm a terrible counselor?

I can try.

Come on, Destiny, this is what we've been training for.

(CRACKS NECK)

It's go time.

Perfect.

Now, try not to wash your face.

Ava can help you with any touch-ups.

That's right!

Lipstick goes on lips!


I've done all I can.

Hey, Noah!

Nothing's going on here.

Hey, Ava!

That's a weird thing to say.

Anyway, thanks for watching them.

Okay, boys, lights out soon.

Shower time...

No!

No showers.

No showers?

Um, Ava, your nose gets to walk out that door.

It's just...

Um...

We already showered.

Yeah, can't you tell?

Finn doesn't even smell that bad.

(GAGS)

Well, great!

More time for us to hang out then.

I really missed you guys.

(BOTH GASP)

(BOTH CRY OUT IN PAIN)

Why is my shirt screaming silently for help?

Noah...

Finn and Matteo were injured while we were playing.

What?

Are you guys okay?

We're fine.

The swelling's already gone down.

When was the swelling up?

Ava, why didn't you say something?

Because I told you I would handle it.

And I thought I could.

I trusted you.

And you lied to me.

Yeah, I know.

But just...

Please don't be mad.

I'm not mad.

I'm just mad.

Man, I did it again.

Sorry.

I'll go.

Thank you all for coming to this debate to hear the ideas I have for Moose Rump.

As mayor, I'd first end the noisy lake parties to benefit the people and our wildlife.

Mayor Higgins doesn't agree with Miss Hockhauser.

He wants you to party here in town instead of goin' all the way to Bar Harbor!

- (CROWD APPLAUDING)

- (GOAT BLEATING)

Yeah!

That goat says what I'm thinkin'.

Use your training.

(EXHALES)

If we could get back to my opening statement, I have more to say.

Cleaning up the lake benefits all.

Are you...

Is she shakin' her fist at me?

That goat never shook his fist at anyone.

The goat doesn't have a fist, Midge!

You're losing everybody!

(IMITATES GOAT)

Baah?

Oh, I don't like it when she does it.

Stay in your lane!

CROWD: (CHANTING)

Goat!

Goat!

Goat!

(BLEATING)

Well, that was a complete disaster.

I guess no matter how good your ideas are, and they're not very good...

Says the "boi-yoi-yoi-yoing" guy.

Nobody will pay attention to you when your opponent's a goat.

Well, then we'll have to get their attention.

Mmm, Mr.

Toots.

Hey, Gwen!

I got you a whole new color palette in earth tones, since I know you like those.

Thanks, Destiny.

And thanks again for teaching me how to do my makeup.

Everyone really seemed to like it.

Okay...

Who cares what everyone else thought?

Did you like it?

Even though I got a lot of compliments, I still felt weird.

Not like myself.

That's perfectly okay.

Maybe makeup isn't for you.

For me, I enjoy trying new looks with it because I feel like myself, but even more.

Wow, even more?

I already thought you were at peak Destiny!

I know, right?

But wearing makeup is just a choice.

No one has to do it if it doesn't feel right.

So I'm not gonna ruin our camp picture forever if I don't wear makeup?

You should look however makes you feel most like yourself.

That's how you'll look your best in the photo.

Okay.

Then I'm going to do what makes my outside look more like my inside.

Not literally, of course.

During hunting season, I've seen some insides.

(SHUDDERS)

Hey, Ava.

Can we talk?

Are you sure you wanna talk to the world's worst counselor?

I'm sorry I was so hard on you yesterday.

You had every right to be.

You left me in charge and I turned both your campers purple, and then re-painted them.

Ava, it doesn't matter how careful you watch the boys.

Sometimes they're gonna get hurt.

How do you think I came up with all those dos and don'ts?

It's because they all happened to me.

I've lived them!

Really?

Yes!

Once I lost track of Matteo for two seconds and he was bit by a horse.

We don't have a horse here, Ava!

I guess you've really seen some things.

I have.

And I've seen you with your campers.

You're a great counselor.

I would leave my boys with you again anytime.

Thanks, Noah.

You got it.

Boy-yoi-yoi-yoing!

Oh, that's just something I do now.

Thank you for coming to my important campaign announcement.

A special welcome to the press.

Is the kid from the website here?

Mason's getting his braces tightened.

All right, movin' on.

I would like to announce that I am withdrawing from the race.

Okay.

But I would also like to throw my support behind a new candidate.

Please allow me to introduce, straight from the Moose Rump Zoo, Mrs.

Fuzzybelly.

A sloth.

And she's married!

Mrs.

Fuzzybelly, what do you think about keeping a nice, quiet environment around Moose Rump Lake?

She says she's for it!

Aw.

(CLAPPING)

And Mrs.

Fuzzybelly, how do you feel about a better recycling program in Moose Rump?

Look at her!

She feels adorable about it!

Do something!

(SHUSHES)

That loud goat is gonna scare Mrs.

Fuzzybelly!

I'm voting sloth!

Who's with me?

CROWD: (CHANTING SOFTLY)

Sloth!

Sloth!

Sloth!

CROWD: (CHANTING SOFTLY)

Sloth!

Sloth!

Sloth!

Aw, man!

What am I gonna do with a closet full of tiny goat ties?

You bettah get a job on Wall Street.

(CHANTING SOFTLY)

Sloth!

Sloth!

Sloth!

See, Noah?

Sometimes you gotta give the people what they want so they listen to what they need.

(SNIFFLES)

I was not prepared for that little nose.

Congratulations on winning the election.

It was all Mrs.

Fuzzybelly.

But the first thing she's gonna do is pass a law that says all future mayors must be human.

Smart.

I've dealt with my fair share of bad animal leaders.

Joined a pack of wolves once, and the alpha did raise taxes.

Promises, promises.

Ooh!

Are these our cabin photos?

Yeah!

Here are the Woodchucks.

Gwen, why aren't you in it?

Oh, I'm in there.

GWEN: Look closer.

I'm in camouflage.

I used the earth-toned makeup Destiny gave me to look exactly how I feel.

Dangerous.

If you can see how good I look, it's too late.
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