04x16 - Cramped Champions

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪ Let us all breathe in...

and now breathe out.

[All exhaling]

Ava...

Do you hear that?

I don't hear anything.

Exactly!

No yelling, no complaining.

You can't even hear gas escaping Finn.

Doesn't mean it's not happening.

I can confirm.

I don't trust the quiet.

It feels like the calm before a storm.

Shh, listen!

I think I can hear the birds singing...

[Coach whistling]

What kind of bird is that?

Barb: Lou!

Oh.

It's a dodo.

Emergency!

Emergency!

Camp Champion is flooded!

I repeat, Camp Champion is flooded.

We got it, Barb!

You can stop speed walking.

I'm trying to air dry!

Hey, there, neighbor.

Got any spare beds for me and a few of my...

entire camp?

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ Greetings, campers!

I'm sure you all remember Barb Barca, the director of Camp Champion, gold medal-winning speed walker, and repeater of information that makes her look good.

[Chuckles]

I'm also a gold medal-winning speed walker.

Y'all are probably wondering why our biggest rivals are here in the Mess Hall, wrapped in very expensive towels.

I know I am.

[Chuckles]

The answer is, I was trying to give my campers a little fun.

And sometimes "a little fun" means cranking your camp's wave pool up to "tsunami." Seems a little irresponsible to even own a wave pool that has a "tsunami" setting.

Spoken like someone who doesn't own a wave pool.

But someone who still has a dry camp.

[Both laugh sarcastically]

Why are they smiling like that?

Are their faces stuck?

Camp Champion will be staying with us the rest of the week while their cabins dry out and the damages are repaired.

I've posted a list of all the Champion campers who will be staying in each cabin.

I've told all of your parents that I've arranged acceptable lodgings for everyone.

So if you talk to your folks, please stick with that story.

And remember, despite sh*ts like that, we should all try to be good neighbors.

Even though we don't wanna be here.

Well, then you shouldn't have flooded your camp.

Well, it could've happened to anybody.

Yes, but it happened to you.

[Both laugh sarcastically]

All right, good neighbors, children are watching.

Guys, I am so pumped, we get to have a new roommate in Grizzly Cabin!

Me, too!

Always happy to add new armpits to an enclosed space.

Wait, what?

Why are we the only cabin who didn't get a assigned camper?

Sorry, fellas.

There just weren't enough boys to go around.

Which is also what my mom said when I had to go to prom with our pet cockatiel, Pablo.

I'm about to have a sad flashback, gotta go.

I really hope Sophie is nice and chill.

You never know with Camp Champion campers.

Right?

Our cabin is already such a well-oiled machine.

Like the antique chainsaw I keep under my bed.

Say what now?

It's just like my pageant days.

Every year, there's a new girl who comes on the scene and thinks her hairspray don't stink.

So I have to take them out!

Metaphorically.

I think she'll be nice.

Or she'll be some snobby, competitive drama queen who...

Hey, girl!

Hi, I'm Sophie.

I'm Ava.

This is Gwen and Desti...

Thank you so much for letting me stay with you guys.

I brought something for you.

Gwen: What are those?

Healing crystals.

They help promote the flow of positive energy and harmony in the universe.

I've never met a real-life scientist before!

I am so relieved we have such a cool roommate!

I thought I was going to have to knee-cap you!

Metaphorically.

[Laughs nervously]

It's not fair.

Why are we the only ones who don't get a new roommate?

Look at how happy everyone is.

Those guys are such good friends, they're even doing a stupid walk together.

I was so excited to make a new friend that I actually started to make a new friend.

Say hi to Walter-melon.

But don't expect a response.

He's shy.

Wait.

I have an idea.

Off that?

Just because we weren't assigned a bunkmate doesn't mean we can't take one.

What are you talking about?

Look.

All we have to do is lure away one of the Camp Champion kids from their assigned cabin by showing them how awesome our cabin is.

Noah, that's a great idea!

You hear that?

Pretty soon, it's going to be us walking stupid all over this camp.

I love this color on you.

It really matches your aura.

Aw, thanks.

I knew my aura was frosted periwinkle.

Can I just say, the friend energy in this cabin is so amazing.

It's almost like there's a buzz in the air.

Oh, that's just Gwen's chainsaw.

Look, it's only because we care about each other so much.

Even Ava, who acts tough most of the time, is actually really sensitive.

That's so cool.

It's like the three of you have the perfect friendship.

Yup, pretty close.

Pretty close to perfect?

But not perfect, perfect?

[Chuckles]

Well, nothing's perfect, right?

What's not perfect?

Uh...

I don't know.

I guess it's really just little things.

Like, sometimes Gwen cracks her knuckles.

And Ava can be a little messy.

Bless.

I am so sorry.

That sounds like it's super annoying.

I really don't mind that much.

People with frosted periwinkle auras are probably super easy-going, right?

Sure.

Let's go with that.

[Laughs]

Uh...

Barb?

Hey, neighbor.

Whatcha doing in here?

Are you lost?

No, because this is the Director's Cabin.

I made a nice bed for you on a comfy stack of towels in the boat shed.

Oh, I thought this was the boat shed.

The smell in here is...

quite wharf-like.

That's the last time I buy scented candles from a pirate.

[Sighs]

All right, fine!

You can sleep in here.

Just make sure you stay on your side of...

my bed.

Uh...

Where's Woody the Woodchuck?

You mean that giant stuffed rat?

Ugh.

I threw that thing outside.

It's creepy the way its eyes follow you around.

That's the sign of good taxidermy.

You pay extra for that.

And not that I'm complaining, but you need some more books in here.

The only one I could find was this sad one under the mattress.

That's my diary!

Wait, you mean that chapter about the little girl who practiced her first kiss on a tree trunk...

Oh...

All right, time for night-nights!

No problem.

Just need to turn on some white noise.

[Hissing]

[Yelling]

What the heck are those?

Noise-canceling headphones.

The white noise is pretty loud.

[Yells]

Night, roomie!

My auntie is a realtor, and she told me the key to a successful open house is a warm and welcoming atmosphere.

First, we need to fill the room with an inviting fragrance.

Freshly baked cookie scent!

[Both sniff and cough]

Nope, that's cooking grease.

And next on our list...

Flowers.

Uh...

Finn?

Why are you so good at that?

Flowers are a secret passion.

You wanna cut the stems at a 45-degree angle to maximize liquid intake.

That makes sense.

Why is Finn making sense?

Drink up, little guys.

Ah, there he is.

Guys.

Our first potential roomie.

Look.

Remember, we need to show him how awesome we are.

So everyone stay cool.

Mini weenies?

Maxi weenies?

Watermelon?

Walter?

Walter!

He'll be back.

Gwen, you are so good at this!

Your chi is really strong.

Chi, thanks.

[Yawns]

I'm sorry, my head's not really in the game.

I barely slept at all last night.

Someone was snoring really loud.

Oh, that's Ava.

She snores every night.

Does she?

Wow, that must be so hard for you.

You get used to it.

Though every once in a while you get one of those...

[Warthog snort]

It scares the chi out of you.

I wonder if it bothers Destiny.

You know, the way your knuckle-cracking does.

[Thuds]

What?

Oh, I probably shouldn't have said anything, but Destiny does think the knuckle thing is super annoying.

Destiny said that?

Oh, please, don't be mad at her.

She's not trying to be hurtful, she just thinks you're really, really inconsiderate.

Well, that's pretty rich coming from someone who spends two hours in the bathroom every morning.

I pee outside more now than when I lived out in the woods.

[Cracks knuckles]

Considering how the open house went, I think it's best if we took ourselves out of the equation.

We'll just leave some applications here and let the cabin speak for itself.

Wait, the cabin can speak for itself?

It knows all my secrets.

We all do.

You talk in your sleep.

You okay, Lou?

You look tired.

Well, I didn't get much sleep last night.

You could've at least mentioned you're a sleep-speed walker.

Mmm.

Didn't really seem relevant until I fell on you.

As miserable as last night was, allow me to show you how we dine, Kikiwaka-style.

Ew!

What do you call this mound of brown?

Mound of Brown.

Today is Mound of Brown Monday.

Would you like another round of Mound of Brown?

[Chuckles]

[Gags]

[Gags]

Oh, nope.

If my head cook Chef Laurent were here, he would call this meal poop du jour!

That's French for...

I know what it means.

When I was little, I got hit in the face with a tetherball so hard, I had to have five surgeries just to get my nose back in shape.

Specifically, the shape of a nose.

Oh, my gosh, that's terrible.

So is that why you snore?

[Chuckles]

I'm sorry?

Oh, I just heard Gwen complaining about it earlier.

She even does this impression of you.

[Does warthog snort]

That's hilarious.

My snoring is pretty bad.

Doesn't bother me, I'm sleepin'.

And, oh, my gosh, Destiny could not stop talking about how messy you are.

Guilty again!

I'm the worst.

But aren't you mad that they were talking about you behind your back?

[Chuckles]

I guess I'm just not bothered by stuff like that.

Wow.

You're really not as sensitive as they said you were.

What?

Who said I was sensitive?

That really hurts my feelings.

Which I don't have.

I think Gwen and Destiny both brought it up at some point.

I can't believe they're the ones complaining, considering the way Gwen puts her feet on everything and the weird way Destiny drinks.

[Slurps loudly]

Ah!

I mean, we get it, Destiny.

You're refreshed!

Oh, that's terrible.

[Grunts]

Ow!

Oh.

Oh, we're good.

Still feels like a nose.

What in the bunk is that?

Your mattress was a little firm, so I ordered a waterbed just like the one in my Director's Cabin.

Top of the line model filled with imported seawater from the Caribbean.

For the record, I do get seasick, so we're gonna need to get you a poncho.

That's it!

I've done my best to be a gracious host, but you have been nothing but extra Barb-like to me ever since you got here.

So I am done playing nice.

I cannot wait for you to go back to Camp Champion.

The problem is, I don't think I ever will go back.

What do you mean?

You hate being here.

I hate having you here.

It's the one thing we both agree on.

No, I mean, I don't think I'll ever go back...

because I think they're going to fire me.

Barb, what are you talking about?

How could you be fired?

I just got off the phone with the owners of Camp Champion, and the Champion family is not happy their camp was flooded.

I'm sorry, their name is literally Champion?

Yeah, the wife really married up.

Her maiden name was Yablewitt.

Anyway, they're sending a family member over to question me about the incident.

Once they find out it's my fault, I'm done.

Look, you made an honest mistake.

The Champions do not tolerate mistakes.

But...

I love my job.

I love my campers.

I love Camp Champion.

It's my home.

And now I may have to leave.

Aw, Barb...

Hmm.

I know that this is an emotional moment...

But could you maybe help a girl sit up?

[Sighs]

Lou, I've only been good at two things in my life.

Being a Camp Director, and walking fast without losing contact with the ground.

What am I gonna do?

Well, if you want, I can be there with you tomorrow, when they question you.

To gloat?

Or support me?

Can't it be both?

Time to go through some applications.

This one's my favorite.

His preferred opening chess move is the Hungarian Offensive.

So he's either a genius or a madman and I have to find out which.

Guys.

I think I found the perfect one.

Someone named Taylor.

It says he plays trumpet.

And since I play trombone I can feel superior to his much smaller instrument.

[Gasps]

And he left a big food stain on the paper.

[Sniffs]

He likes expired condiments, too!

Is this what they mean by soulmates?

Plus, he got the right answer to the math equation I put on there.

And he did it in pen!

The confidence!

I think we found our fourth Grizzly.

[Exhales]

Smokey barbecue, 2012.

That was a good year for sauce.

[Clears throat]

What was that, Destiny?

Were you gonna complain about something?

Excuse me?

No, excuse me.

I'm probably being too sensitive.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over my drinking.

[Slurps loudly]

Ah!

And I can't hear you over my loud knuckle cracking.

[Cracks knuckles]

I never even complained about your knuckles.

Oh, that's right.

It was Destiny!

Well, sorry, but it's like the world's grossest popcorn maker, only the popcorn is your bones!

And for the record, Ava, I do not put my feet on stuff!

They're on my pillow right now.

Dang it!

These things have a mind of their own.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Girls, girls...

Please don't fight.

This isn't fun for me at all.

I hate drama.

I'm sorry, Gwen, you were saying?

Look, I didn't even know that I did the knuckle thing.

Or the foot thing.

Or any other thing!

If someone had just told me, I would have stopped.

And I would've stopped drink-sighing.

Why would I want to annoy you guys?

I don't even mind the drink-sighing that much, okay?

I think it's kind of cute.

But that's not because I'm gooey.

Well, your gooey center is one of the things I like most about you.

Thank you!

I appreciate that!

I appreciate you!

I appreciate both of you!

Why are we appreciating each other so loud?

I have no idea!

[Screams]

[All laughing]

You've gotta be kidding me!

Who does this?

You guys said all those mean things about each other and now you're just gonna laugh and hug like you're in a fabric softener commercial?

Actually, we never would have said any of those things if it wasn't for you.

Yeah, I don't think you hate drama, I think you love it.

And I don't think you're a scientist at all.

Fine!

Excuse me for trying to find something fun to do at this boring camp.

Ava, permission to fire up my chainsaw?

Down, girl.

Not yet.

You tried to break us apart.

But our friendship is stronger than that.

Sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry, too.

Sorry you guys are a bunch of boring friends who love each other!

I'm outta here.

Gwen, [Laughs]

my pillow!

I'm sorry, I don't know how this keeps happening!

[Girls crying]

Everything's going to be okay.

Don't worry about me.

Just go and have fun.

Really?

You wore the medal?

This is a business meeting, Lou.

Oh, no...

They sent Kaylie Champion!

She's the toughest Champion of all.

Is she behind the tiny horse girl?

All right, Barca, let's make this quick.

I'm fitting this in between dressage and cello practice.

Who's the spare?

Louella Hockhauser, Director of Camp Kikiwaka.

I'm just sitting in.

Shh.

I wanted your name, not your autobiography.

Okay, Barca, I want a detailed timeline of what happened, but minus the details.

James is keeping the horse running for me.

Well, my campers had just come off an intense lacrosse session, and wanted to relax in the wave pool.

I figured the "tidal wave" setting would be enough, but they wanted more.

And on the bright side, the lacrosse field will now make a great jet ski course.

Is that a joke?

Yikes.

I was just trying to make my campers happy.

Haven't you ever wanted to bring joy to other people?

No.

I'm sorry, Barca, but Camp Champion doesn't tolerate mistakes.

Please don't.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to fire you.

But, I...

Come on, Barb!

Stop lying.

I'm not lying.

Oh, drop the act.

You can't lose your job just to protect me.

What?

I rigged the wave pool to overflow.

And why would you do that?

Why would I do that?

Because it was all part of a prank w*r between our camps.

Barb was just covering for me because she's a...

[Nearly choking]

A good neighbor.

Oh, so it's Kikiwaka's mistake?

Typical.

If it's not Barca's fault, then I'm officially closing the investigation.

Oh, thank you, Kaylie!

I mean, Miss Champion.

Poopy pants, I really wanted to fire someone today.

James!

Bring the horse around!

Hee-ya!

[Horse whinnies]

Thanks, Lou.

You didn't have to stick your neck out for me like that.

I know.

But like you, I love my camp.

It's my home, and...

you should never have to leave your home.

This job's pretty great, right?

The best in the world.

I hate to ask this, but are we friends now?

I'm not sure.

Maybe we could try to hug?

Good neighbors is fine.

Good neighbors it is.

Guys, I just got a text.

Taylor says he's on his way over.

It's finally happening!

How do I look?

Rich.

[Knock on door]

That's him!

All: You're a girl?

You guys are guys?

We can't bunk with a girl.

That is the one question we didn't put on the application.

Man, I was really looking forward to exchanging math stories late into the night.

Well...

I guess this is goodbye.

Yeah.

Shame.

Wait, Taylor, before you go...

Yeah?

Will you let us stupid walk you to your cabin?

Like when you put your arms around each other and cross your legs?

Of course, she knows.

This is gonna take forever.