04x04 - An Udder Disaster

[bunniefuu]

Are we finally covering up the grass?

White pants, here I come.

Today, I'm gonna teach you girls a little bit about my favorite sport.

Wrestling.

Or as we say in the woods, rasslin'.

Why is your favorite sport wrestling?

In my family, second helpings at dinner are earned.

Okay, let me teach you some moves.

Come here, Gwen.

This one's called the Pensacola Painmaker.

[Yells]

It doesn't even hurt.

It's not real wrestling.

Part of the fun is acting like it hurts.

Oh...

Mm-hmm.

Ow.

Ouch.

Hey, this is fun.

The Rockabilly Wrap-up.

[Yells]

Ah, eek, owie.

The Say-Goodbye to-your-Spine Snap.

[Grunting]

The Wrestling Move Formerly Known As Prince!

[Screams]

[Imitates guitar]

This one's just called...

Beverly.

Both: Hey.

Okay, my turn.

Let's take five, I need a break.

[Grunts]

But, you forgot one.

I did?

Yeah.

This one's called the Counselor Pounce-selor.

[Grunting]

No!

Actually...

That one's called the Smashing Jumpkin.

But I'll allow it.

[Grunting]

No, no.

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Lou, is there any mail for me?

Oh, let me check.

Oh, just this.

Awesome.

I got a giant box.

Uh, there's probably something inside.

Really?

Dude, even cooler.

What's the matter, kiddo?

Bad news?

My mom wrote me a letter and she just won't let up.

"You're so special" this...

"You're the light of my life" that.

It's like, okay, you love me unconditionally, get over it, lady.

What about you, what did you get?

My mom sent me my favorite doll.

Say hi to Cuddles.

Cuddles has a lot of thorns.

Yes.

Never cuddle Cuddles.

She'll cut you.

That thing is not staying in our bunk.

It'll haunt my dreams.

Uh, yeah.

It's a wood nymph dream effigy.

That's what they do.

Any mail for me today?

No, sorry, Ava Oh, okay.

Thanks.

Were you expecting something?

Well, I thought maybe my mom might write me.

We had a big fight before camp and I'm waiting for her apology.

What happened?

Uh, I threatened to leave for the summer, she said "You wouldn't dare." I said, "Watch me." So I had to let her watch me.

Next thing I know, I was on a bus headed here and we haven't spoken since.

Have you tried writing her?

And play into her hands?

You girls have a lot to learn about spite.

Cool.

My mom sent me a tennis ball machine.

I didn't know you were into tennis.

I'm not.

I'm into machines that sh**t balls.

[Screams]

This just not bode well for everyone's dreams tonight.

[Girl screaming]

Finn, shut that thing off.

I'm trying.

[Cow mooing]

[Girl screaming]

Holy cow.

It's a cow.

Oh, looks like my mail came.

What the heck is going...

Whoa.

Everyone, meet my prized cow, Bessie.

My folks sent her from back home.

You had your family mail you a cow?

Yeah, sent it by Moo-P-S.

It wasn't easy to get her here.

But it was worth it.

I have big plans for Bessie.

Whoa.

Can I help take care of her?

I don't know.

You know how seriously I take farming.

It's a lot of responsibility.

But I can be responsible.

[Glass breaking]

Okay, what if I'm heavily supervised?

Hey, Noah.

I got some of your mail by accident.

I hoped it was the summer homework I requested from my teacher.

But no, Ms.

Stanley is enjoying her vacation and thinks I need to "respect her boundaries." [Exclaims]

Yes.

This is the script for a commercial that's sh**ting in Montreal.

They're letting me audition over video chat.

Huh, that's weird.

All the words are misspelled.

Oh, no, they're not.

The script's in French.

French?

I thought it'd be in Canadian.

I speak fluent Canadian.

Why would they ask you to audition for a commercial in French if you don't speak French?

Because I lied on my resume and said I could speak French.

Le duh.

If you want, I can help you learn this.

Really?

Can you speak French?

Can I speak French?

Est-ce que cela répond à ta question ?

So...

Is that a yes?

Oui.

Is that a yes?

[Sighs]

Yes.

Gwen, I'm worried about Ava.

She seemed upset when she didn't get any mail.

It sounds like she and her mom are both really stubborn.

I wish that we could cheer her up.

I miss "Fun" Ava.

She even got me to try wrestling.

The only thing I wrestle with is whether or not to try bangs.

There's got to be a way for her and her mom to fix things.

Yeah.

Someone just needs to make the first move.

Wait.

What if we write a letter pretending to be Ava and apologize for the fight?

Then her mom will write back.

Gwen, that is underhanded and sneaky...

And I am so proud of the girl you're becoming.

And remember, the number one rule on a farm, always close every gate behind you.

Bessie's so sweet.

Do you think she likes me?

I know she does.

She bit the last stranger who tried to pet her and his hand swelled up to be the size of a basketball.

Man, nothing cool ever happens to me.

Give it time.

Someday something will bite you real hard, too.

Anyway, you wanna try to milk her?

Can I?

[Milking]

There you go.

Like that.

Wow, you've got a real knack for this.

A few more lessons, and you might have a real future in farming.

Really?

I always thought, in the future, I'd be a robot.

Nice to have options.

Oh, looks like she's out of milk.

Should we go wash our hands?

Sorry, stupid question.

Wanna come watch me wash my hands?

Do you think maybe I could hang out with Bessie a little longer?

Okay, but just a few more minutes.

Bessie's probably a bit drained.

[Chuckles]

Finn, if you want to be a farmer, you're gonna have to laugh at my jokes.

Wow, you hear that?

I've always just been Finn, the lovable goofball.

But maybe I'm destined to be a farmer.

I look forward to working with you, Bessie.

[Sniffs]

Except for your smell, ugh.

Oh, wait, that's me.

A postcard from my Nana.

She said the corn is coming in strong and Pop-Pop is bothering her.

Or maybe her corns are bothering her and Pop-Pop is coming on strong.

I would not mind if she wrote me less.

No mail for me again.

What a shock.

Hey, Lou, are you sure there's nothing in there for Ava?

No, sorry, girls.

But if you want you can have this coupon for a free sub if you buy nine.

Actually, do you mind if I keep it?

I love subs.

I cannot believe my mom still hasn't written me.

It's been weeks.

I guess Ava's mom is still mad.

I don't understand.

If I was her, I would've written back right away and said...

Ava.

Sweet baby girl, I missed you so much.

Ah, no, that's a little too on the nose.

Mom?

Both: Mom?

Mom?

What are you doing here?

Yeah, what are you doing here?

What, I can't visit my daughter?

Hi, I'm Bonnie.

I'm Gwen.

And I'm...

Grossed out.

Look, I have six kids.

I see a smudge, I'm gonna put my thumb on it.

Why won't this come off?

Because it's a freckle.

That it is.

Baby, it just hasn't been the same since you left.

Really?

[Chuckles]

And yes, I accept your apology.

You accept my what now?

I appreciate you reaching out.

And I forgive you.

Why would I reach out?

You're the one who forgot my volleyball game.

Ava Marie, we've gone over this.

In a big family, there's a lot of games.

And sometimes you miss a few.

You two share that cookie or it's going in the trash.

So help me I will turn this mess hall right around.

But you never forget my brothers' games.

Not true.

I've missed plenty of their games.

I'm missing one right now.

Then why are you here?

Because of the beautiful apology you wrote.

What apology?

I didn't write this.

Who puts glitter on stationery?

A good Samaritan with a taste for flair?

I cannot believe you girls did this.

I cannot believe you girls did this.

I can definitely see the resemblance.

Bessie?

Where'd you go?

Moo once if you're stuck on the roof.

Worth a sh*t.

Bessie, there you are.

Finn, get out here.

I swear it wasn't me.

What are we talking about?

Uh, the fact that there's a cow on the lawn?

Did you forget to lock Bessie's pen?

I don't think so.

I guess it does sound like classic goofball Finn.

But everyone loves a goofball, right?

This is very disappointing.

I think it's best if only I take care of Bessie from now on.

But...

No buts.

Okay.

You said "butts." Okay, so this is a commercial for a protein shake.

Let's just run your lines.

Repeat after me.

Pour garder ton corps...

[Mispronounces words]

Eh?

You're too stiff.

French is a romantic language.

You need to loosen up.

Okay.

Pour garder ton corps en forme...

[Mispronounces words]

Bois ce lait frappé protéiné...

[Mispronounces words]

No, no.

[In French accent]

No, no.

Why don't we take a five and regroup?

[Sighs]

Wonder how this protein shake tastes anyway.

Ugh, terrible.

Hey, you did it.

You just spoke French.

I did?

Well, one word.

That's one word better than no words.

[Sighs]

Only all the rest of them to go.

Where're we going, missy?

I've got a bus to catch.

What is she doing here?

I thought you said this was my performance review.

Yes.

Your performance as a daughter.

Please, sit.

Breathe with us.

What is this?

This is called The Safe Circle.

When two campers are in conflict, we bring them to the circle to talk about their differences in a safe space.

In an emotionally safe space.

We're here to talk about your feelings.

I'm out.

Me too.

Please, just try.

I'm sorry, but this isn't how the King family handles things.

We don't talk about our feelings in public.

Maybe that's because you've never held...

The Feelings Feather.

I feel like I hate this.

I don't need a stupid feather to help me figure out that my mom would rather do stuff with my brothers than with me.

Is that what this is about?

You feel jealous of your brothers?

I don't feel jealous, I feel invisible.

You probably didn't even notice when I left for camp.

Of course I noticed.

Then why didn't you write me?

What do you want me to say?

That I wanted to write you every day, but I was too embarrassed?

That I feel terrible for missing your volleyball games?

That I feel like a bad mom?

Well, what do you want me to say?

That I think you're a great mom?

That I missed you too?

That I waited every day for a letter asking me to come home, because the fact that I went to camp in the first place may have been a little reactionary?

Yes.

I do want you to say that.

Well, fine.

I said it.

Well, that warms my heart.

Well, I'm gonna hug you now.

Works every time.

Hey, Bessie.

I came to say goodbye.

Lou doesn't want me taking care of you until I learn responsibility.

And learning is my least favorite subject in school.

Lou: All right, Chef Jeff, she's right through here.

So this is Bessie, huh?

Reminds me of my girl back home.

Aw, is she named "Bessie" too?

No, but she wears a bell and for some reason, her nose is always wet.

Anyhoo, I've got big plans for Bessie, now that she's gotten nice and plump.

So what should we cook for dinner tonight?

I make a sublime beef bourguignon in a vinaigrette reduction.

I'm thinking burgers.

You know, I went to culinary school.

Save it for your blog, Jeff.

A couple hundred pounds of prime ground beef should feed everybody.

Really looking forward to this meal.

Oh, you scared me.

This is why my girlfriend always wears a bell.

That's what Lou's been planning this whole time?

Don't worry, Bessie.

I'm not letting anyone turn you into hamburgers.

Or beef booger-on.

Hey, guys.

We just wanted to thank you for helping us work through our stuff.

If it wasn't for you, that standoff might've lasted forever.

Yes.

Ava's pretty stubborn.

She gets that from her dad.

And nobody's gonna convince me otherwise.

You're very welcome.

It did seem kinda silly that you had to run away to camp just because you didn't know how to talk to your mom.

I know, I know.

Luckily, it's all behind us.

So I get to go back home.

What?

You're going home?

Yeah, and I have the two of you to thank for it.

Noah, hurry up.

Your audition starts in one minute.

And I don't want you to forget everything you've learned.

Okay, I'm ready.

Uh, Noah, why are you so swole?

Okay, so there's one tiny detail I may have not told you.

The part is for a bodybuilder.

I don't get it.

If the producers saw your picture, why would they ever think you can play this role?

Fine, two tiny details.

Sacrebleu.

Okay, I have a lot of questions.

But first, where's Finn?

Bessie's missing again.

We've been inside all day learning French for a protein shake commercial that sh**t in Canada and I have to wear fake muscles to look jacked.

As one does.

[Video chat ringing]

That's them.

Okay.

Remember, just say the lines how we practiced.

Woman: Bonjour.

Hi there.

I'm Noah Lambert and I'm represented by [Muffled cough) at (muffled cough]

agency.

Woman: Nice to meet you.

You look even more muscular than in your picture.

[Laughs]

Don't make me blush.

Okay, whenever you are ready.

Pour garder ton corps en forme, bois ce lait frappé protéiné.

Magnifique.

That was perfection.

Noah, you did it!

Yes!

[Pops]

You made your muscles out of water balloons?

Yeah, they don't make muscle balloons.

Excusez-moi, did your muscle...

explode?

No...

[Pops]

Yes.

Woman: [In French]

Terrible.

Hey, I know that word.

♪ And on that farm He had a cow E-I-E-I-O ♪ ♪ With a...

♪ What sound do you make?

[Moos]

No, that's not it.

Lou.

Stay away.

Finn, what in the heck are you doing out here?

If you want to eat Bessie, you'll have to eat me first.

Just honor my final wishes and smother me in ranch.

Why do you think I want to eat Bessie?

I heard what you told Chef Jeff.

Your big plan for Bessie was to fatten her up just so you could turn her into ground beef.

I would never hurt Bessie.

The reason I brought her to camp is so that I could have her compete in the County Fair as a dairy cow.

That was my big plan.

Oh.

I guess you were right, I am too irresponsible to watch Bessie.

Okay, so, you cow-napped her, but you thought someone was going to eat her.

If I thought that, I would've done the same thing.

But you wouldn't think that, because you're not a goofball.

I just don't have what it takes to be a farmer.

All right, so you made some mistakes.

But look at everything you did right.

Bessie's fed, milked, and safe.

You're definitely learning.

Maybe you just need a more patient teacher.

No thanks.

I'd rather have you.

Cousin Finn, you may be a farmer yet.

I guess I have a few years to decide.

But until then, I know what I want to be.

What?

A vegetarian.

Really?

You want to give up eating meat?

That's what it means?

I just thought it meant being better than everyone else.

It means both.

To celebrate you coming home, I'm going to make your favorite dinner tonight.

Canadian bacon burrito casserole.

It's the best of both borders.

Ava, Gwen and I have been talking, and you've left us no choice.

For what?

This.

What's going on?

Our new wrestling move.

We call this one the Ava-Sava.

We don't want you to go.

We really like you.

We want you to be our counselor.

Gwen, are you gnawing on my knee?

A little.

Girls.

You're going to be fine.

I'm not really a counselor.

I'm just a girl who had a fight with her mom.

But, you're also the girl who taught us how to wrestle.

And how to make shadow puppets under the blankets.

And how not to build a campfire next to fireworks.

Yeah, but it was a third of July we'll never forget.

You did those things?

And a lot more too.

We're going to miss you so much.

Ava, it seems like you made a real impression on these girls.

I guess I didn't realize.

Mom.

I know you miss me, and I know I may have started here for the wrong reasons...

But I think I need to stay for the right ones.

You really like it here, don't you?

Yeah.

I do.

So, does that mean you're staying?

I think it does.

I've got to get back to the city, but I'm gonna miss you.

And I promise to write.

Me too.

And we promise not to write.

Good, 'cause now that glitter is everywhere.

In fact, I think I see some...

It's a freckle.

[Chuckles]

I think to avoid problems like this in the future, we should go through your resume and remove any more special skills you lied about having.

Good idea.

Okay, so, uh, hang-gliding?

Lie.

Fencing?

Lie.

Handstand?

Oh, that one is actually true.

Do one now.

Lie.

Okay, let's see what we've got to work with then.

Um, you're an actor with the special skills of...

Speaking English, and your second toe is longer than your first.

Wow, hearing it out loud makes me think...

How am I not booking more roles?