05x01 - The Big House Pt. 1

[bunniefuu]

Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh, Boyle?

Yeah, I know, I'm spoiling myself, but I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?

Wait, Jake's in prison? Yeah!

He and Rosa were framed for a bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant Hawkins.

Oh, right. And where's Gina?

On maternity leave! We were all at her baby shower last week. Okay.

And why am I bleeding?

I don't know, Hitchcock.

Oh, so you don't have all the answers.

I'm bleeding because my piece-of-crap son-in-law bit me.

Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which is why we have to keep working the case.

There has to be some way to exonerate them.

I've been looking, but I can't find anything and I don't know what to do. "I can't find anything and I don't know what to do": title of your sex tape. What is happening right now?! They caught Hawkins trying to flee the country.

She confessed to everything, and they let me out. Oh, my God, Jake, is it really you? Are you really here?

You know it, baby. [sighs dreamily]

But first... I gotta hug my best friend.

Yeah. What?

Welcome back, Peralta.

I just heard from the mayor.

To apologize for what happened to you, they're sending you to Disney World.

You and one male guest.

As long as I don't have to go on any of the scary rides.

I'd just go for the shows. Yeah! [laughs] all: [chanting] Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!

Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!

Boyle!

Were you dreaming about Jake again?

Why did you wake me up?!

I told you never to wake me up!

[upbeat music]

*

[Western guitar chords]

*

Wake up! Rise and shine!

[buzzer sounding]

[sighs pleasantly] Good morning, Caleb.

You woke up happy for once.

You're damn right I did. It's visiting day.

[upbeat whistling music]

It's visiting day!

Happy visiting day.

Happy visiting day, Tommy. You excited for the family to come? Tino, is Maria on her way?

Miguel, happy visiting day-- and he hung himself. Oh, my God.

Guard! Guard!

Hi, hey. Hi.

Oh, man, three weeks is way too long between visits. I know, I'm so sorry.

It's been so hard to get down to South Carolina between work and spending every free minute on your case.

All right, that's enough touching.

[whispering] You used all the touching time, Amy.

I get 100% of the goodbye touching time.

100%. So, Charles, I gotta ask: what's going on with your hair? Well, it turned white from the stress, but I didn't want you to worry, so I dyed it back to my normal color with a splash of Batali. Do you like it?

So, how's my case going? Have you found anything on Hawkins? I've been working it in here.

You know, when no one's watching.

In my cell. At night. In the dark.

I guess I've been mostly thinking about it.

We're tracking her 24/7.

You know, watching her men, combing her old files, but she's done a great job at covering her tracks.

We will find something, babe.

I swear. Don't give up hope, okay?

How are they treating you? Are you safe?

Yeah, I'm in protective custody because everyone in gen pop hates cops.

I'm not really sure why. Something about us locking them in cages and letting the world pass them by.

[laughs] So, it sounds like you're isolated and haven't had any chance to make new friends. Well, my cellmate, Caleb, is okay. Just remember he's in prison.

No matter how small the crime, people don't change and don't deserve second chances.

Charles, relax. I'm not gonna replace you.

Trust me, all I've been thinking about is when you guys are gonna get down here.

And now you are, and we can finally talk.

[buzzer sounds] There's an incident in the yard. We're going into lockdown.

Inmates, line up. No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I have 50 more minutes. I need this.

Back to your cells right now. No!

My touching time.

*

Sarge, Captain. Oh, you guys brought Hitchcock.

Uh, no, we just bumped into him in the lobby.

We don't know why he's here. Jenny, baby!

I love what prison's doing to your figure.

Okay. So, how's prison?

Nobody likes cops in here, so I had to earn their respect by starting a bunch of riots. Got thrown in solitary for a week. What's going on with your face?

I hate seeing you like this, so I'm flexing my eyes real hard to keep from crying.

It's okay, we can still have a normal conversation.

So...how's the food?

Pay no attention to him, Rosa. He's very emotional, Rosa.

Why are you saying my first name?

Well, Rosa, I read an article in a medical journal that said one destabilizing aspect of incarceration is the constant dehumanization, Rosa. You need to be reminded that you're more than just a number, Rosa.

You are Rosa...Rosa.

Yup, that fixes prison. Is there anything we can do to help you? Anything you need done on the outside? No, I'm good.

It's not a problem. Rosa.

We're here for you. Rosa.

Whatever you need. Rosa.

Okay, I'll come up with a list.

The alarm went off before we could even talk.

Aw, that's too bad, bud.

But at least you have people that wanna come and visit you. My family hasn't been to see my since my trial. You eat nine people and all of the sudden they "don't know who you are anymore."

Wait...what?

Did you say "eat people"? Are you a cannibal, Caleb?

Well, that's not how I would define myself.

If we're going by what I'm most passionate about, I would say that I'm a woodworker.

Why did you think I was in protective custody?

I don't know, I guess I hoped you were another cop wrongly convicted of crimes you didn't commit.

Nope, I did all my stuff and more.

There's tons they can't even trace to me.

The secret is eating the evidence.

Okay, this is just great. I don't see anyone from the outside for another three weeks and my only friend here is a cannibal.

Woodworker. Look, if you really wanna talk to people on the outside, just get a cell phone. Yeah, that'd be great, but it's illegal, right? There's this guy in gen pop--Romero. He can smuggle anything into this place: phones, dr*gs, big bag of hair. Why would you want that?

You know what? Don't tell me.

The less I know about you, the better.

Okay, let's find this Romero guy.

Right now? I really wanna chomp down on this meat. Caleb...

This is scary.

I don't like being so near gen pop.

It's fine. It's not like they're all waiting for an opportunity to k*ll us.

I'm sure some of them are actually nice, like this gentle giant here.

Hello, sir, what brings you to the fence today?

Just here to s*ab you if you get too close.

Neat. Caleb, remind me not to stand too close to the fence.

Will do. Oh, here's Romero.

So, what's up? You need another bag of hair?

Yeah. No.

We'll talk later. Same order, though.

I hear you're the man to talk to about getting a cell phone. I am.

But it'll cost you. Phone's 100.

$100? That's no problem. [scoffs] I got no use for cash. I want 100 soups.

Soups? Yeah, ramen.

They're like a major currency in here.

Really? That is very surprising.

You can't smoke anymore, so ramen has replaced cigarettes.

NPR did a big thing on it. I thought they sold ramen at the prison commissary. I don't want commissary soups, you stupid little bitch boy. Okay, that's fair.

I deserve that. I want flavors you can only get on the outside-- chili-lime shrimp, southwestern chicken-- street flavors. Picante beef.

Oh, that's my favorite.

Get me picante beef, bitch boy.

Okay, so I just get some ramen and then I get a cell phone. Prison is easy.

[screams] You stood too close to the fence. Yeah, I know, Caleb!

*

Captain, Diaz sent us a list of favors she needs us to do for her. She didn't hold back.

First, she wants us to move all her furniture into storage. Okay.

Then file her taxes for her. Really?

And then she wants us to type up and email these letters to Pimento in Argentina.

Are they sexual in nature? Crazy sexual.

But we can't say no. She's behind bars and we made a promise. Right. You're right.

Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take it out once a day. Here.

I think you should do this. You're more the biker type.

I've seen you use a toothpick in public.

Motorcycles are death machines.

I have three kids. I'm not risking it.

Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?

Are you really playing the gay card right now?

[in blank tone] Yas, queen.

[snaps]

Thanks for coming down again.

What's going on at work? Not much.

I'm investigating a big-time money launderer.

Moves tons of cash... under the table.

[upbeat music]

It was stressful, because the brass got involved, so there were a lot of eyes on the operation.

*

But in the end, they gave us room to work.

Well, sounds like it was a very successful operation.

*

Here you go, bro.

105 picante beef. Great.

I'll keep five packs for myself.

What do you want me to do with the rest?

Thanks for the soups. Here's your cell phone.

Thank you. And by the way, as someone who's eaten a lot of ramen in his life, here's a tip: leave a few noodles uncooked and then sprinkle them on top afterwards like a garnish.

Gives you an extra little fun bonus crunch.

[grunts] Ha-ha!

Saw you coming that time.

Like who's got prison all figured--

[shouts] He threw the shiv.

You can't do that!

[sighs happily] I can't believe I'm hearing your voice.

I know. It's so amazing.

And now every day can be like visiting day, and we can just talk about whatever, whenever--

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake-Jake-Jake-Jake-Jake.

I gotta go. Jake?

Hey, warden. What's up?

What the hell are these? I found them doing a sweep of your bunks. Oh, uh... we got those at the commissary. Picante beef.

You think I don't know that picante beef is a street flavor?

I was being kind to you by putting you two in protective custody, but if you're gonna bring contraband into my prison and flaunt my rules, pack your bags.

You're going to gen pop. Gen pop?

But my tough prison beard hasn't fully grown in yet.

Just give me six or seven more years.

[buzzer sounds]

I can't believe we're going to gen pop.

A cop and a cannibal?

Everybody's gonna be trying to k*ll us.

I know. What are we gonna do?

You're a psychopath. You can protect us in there, right? I mean, you k*lled and ate a bunch of people. They were children, Jake.

Weak little children. One conk on the head was all it took. Damn it.

I can't believe I'm friends with a cowardly cannibal.

Here she comes. Big smiles.

Hey, Rosa. Hey. How's my bike?

Great. It actually was a lot of fun to ride--once I got the hang of it.

[screaming]

[cars honking]

And you were able to finish everything on my list?

It wasn't too much, was it?

No. Not at all.

If anything, you didn't ask enough of us.

Great, 'cause I thought of a few more things.

Oh, were you able to send that email to Adrian?

Oh, yes, he wrote back right away.

It wasn't as graphic as I feared.

He wrote the number eight... equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, capital D... oh. I see what this is.

This is a-- Yup.

[sighs] Cream turkey.

You know, what I could really go for is--

People potpie? First of all, Jake, great alliteration. Second of all, just because I was arrested for cannibalism doesn't mean that all I like to eat is people.

I was gonna say "a chicken burrito."

Man, my cousin was so tasty. Oh, come on.

Oop--hello.

You're gonna die in here, cop.

[dramatic music]

What's up, Caleb? 'Sup, Chico?

It's so crazy. They hate you so much, they don't even care about me. Yeah, congratulations.

I think I'm gonna need to join a g*ng.

And that way I'll have protection and no one will mess with me. I don't know, man.

Joining a g*ng is not that easy. It would be for me.

I once took a seminar on how to ace job interviews, and I'm really good at them. Really?

This I've gotta see. Hey, everyone, I'm Jake.

Thank you so much for sitting down with me.

I just need a moment of your time, and then you can get back to watching your stories.

What can I tell you about myself?

Well, I'm hardworking, incredibly motivated.

I can make a shiv out of anything.

I am deceptively athletic. I'm not sure if your g*ng likes to play B-ball out in the yard, but I can dunk.

Oakley... [sighs]

And I'm just super excited to join-- what are you guys called again? !sis.

!sis... cool.

Well, I am excited to join...

!sis.

I can't believe I went 0 for 16.

I got rejected by my safety g*ng.

I'm gonna die in here.

Well, there is one more option, but it's a long sh*t. Remember that guy Romero who you got the cell phone from? If you got in good with his crew, nobody would dare touch you.

But he is real scary and crazy.

Okay, and how anti-Semitic is he?

Average? Then let's give it a sh*t!

So, Picante Beef, I hear you wanna be part of my crew. Not ideally the nickname I would've chosen for myself, but yes, I think I could be of help to you.

Do you know how long I've been in this prison?

17 years!

Well, you look great. And not once, in all of that time, Beefy... It's just "Beefy" now?

Have I ever seen anything as disrespectful as a cop coming into my prison telling me how to eat my soups!

But damn!

Crumbling the noodle on top gives it an extra little crispity-snap!

I was blown away. Wasn't I, t*nk?

Hasn't stopped talking about it.

Come here, Beef Baby! [chuckles]

Great. So, does this mean that I'm part of the crew? Nobody can touch you now.

Wow, guess all it took was the ramen tip.

Actually, you gotta do one more thing for me to close the deal. Absolutely no problem.

Actually, I have a great idea for a ramen dessert.

You make it with Jell-O mix. I need you to k*ll a guard.

[strained] Oh...okay. Great.

Cool-cool-cool-cool, cool-cool-cool.

Beef Baby's out for blood. [laughs]

So...

Okay... this guard you're gonna k*ll, Wilson--

Oh, I'd rather not know his name.

It's Alan Wilson. He's got a three-year-old, Dexter. They call him Dex.

Cool. I'm not worried at all about little Dex. I'm sure he'll be fine.

I mean, I grew up without a dad. Yeah?

Me too. So did I.

See? And we're all doing great.

Can I ask what this Wilson did to deserve this? He b*at the crap out of me.

How? More importantly, he keeps interfering with my business interests.

But it's about my thing too, right?

Of course.

[mouths word]

How are you gonna do it? Shiv him, shank him, s*ab him?

Are those different?

Oh, boy. Should I be asking someone else to do this? No, no, no, no.

It's fine. I'm gonna prove myself to you.

But what if instead of k*lling Wilson, we get him fired? That way, you don't have another man's death on your conscience.

Yeah, that doesn't bother me.

No, of course not. Why would it?

But if we m*rder him, there's gonna be an investigation, and that could bring a lot of heat down on you, you know? I can see that.

But that's not how we usually do things around here.

Sure, but you know what else you didn't used to do around here...

Sprinkle uncooked noodles on top of your ramen.

You're right. You're right.

You've earned the benefit of the doubt.

You have 24 hours, Beef Baby.

Jake. Beef Baby.

Jake. Beef Baby.

Jake. Beef Baby.

Jake. Beef Baby.

Jake. Beef. Baby!

Beef Baby.

[whispering] Okay, here's the plan.

t*nk said Wilson beats up inmates, so all I have to do is get him to att*ck me and then file a complaint with the prison board.

Sure, but whenever the bulls att*ck us-- which happens all the time-- the security cameras are conveniently not working that day, so it's just your word against theirs.

Well, lucky for me, I have my own camera.

It's the perfect plan. Hey, I've never been beaten up by a prison guard before.

They don't use that baton, do they?

You seem pretty committed to this plan, so there's no real benefit to me answering.

Sounds good.

So, you painted my apartment?

Walls in "White Wisp," trim in "Honeymilk."

And you filed my taxes. You're getting your maximum refund. And picked up my abuela at the airport? Yes, I went and got her at the Philadelphia International Airport in...

Pennsylvania. And you broke the news to her about how I got sent to prison and she'll probably die before I get out? Mm-hmm, had that fun conversation. But it was all worth it for you, you poor little caged bird.

Great, because I have another favor to ask.

Another? Yeah, I need you to cancel my cable.

That's it?

That's easy.

I've been on the phone for six hours and I just wanna cancel an account.

Yes, you've mentioned the bundles and I don't want home phone service.

No, do not transfer me, Rodrigo--no, no!

No, Rodrigo!

All right, there's Wilson.

I'll go make him mad. When he att*cks me, you film it. Then afterwards, we'll meet up in the bathroom. Okay, great.

What are you gonna do to get him angry?

Well, I don't know him, so I'm not sure what buttons to push, but I'm sure if I try enough things, something will set him off.

Excuse me, can I ask you a question?

Get back to your table. Yeah, you know, I would, except for... [grunts]

Oh, my God, that's all it took? I told you to get back to your table!

[thwacking, grunting]

Are you okay? Yeah.

What hurts the most is knowing that prisoners are treated this way every day in our penal system... also, he kicked me in the wiener a bunch. Mm.

Show me the video. I'll send it to Charles, he'll say he got it anonymously, and then...

[grunting, shouting] Oh, my God, that's all it took?

Caleb, is this it? Did you film yourself the whole time? Okay, look, I've been in prison for 15 years. I'm not good with new technology. [sighs]

You want somebody to lure a kid to a park using a Lycos chatroom, I'm your man.

Look, just press this button and make it front-facing. Come on, let's try it again.

Hey, Wilson...

[grunts] [shouting]

Please tell me you were pointed in the right direction that time.

Yes, but there was a different issue.

[shouting, grunting]

Caleb! You added the fiesta filter?

I'm doing the best I can. Tell that to my wiener!

I'm doing the-- No, don't really--gosh...

[thwacking, screaming]

Okay, how'd you screw it up this time?

I didn't. I got everything.

I even zoomed in for some close-ups.

Oh, thank God.

I was so sure that something was gonna go wrong.

Hey there, Peralta.

Oh, I'll take that phone now. [sighs]

I heard an inmate and a guard were having a fight, so I go to do what I normally do: turn off the security cameras. Yup, cool policy.

This place is great. And that's when I noticed your cannibal pal taping the whole fight with an illegal cell phone. And what were you planning on doing with this? Blackmailing Wilson?

No, I was trying to save his life.

Ah, come on. Honestly.

I was ordered by this guy, Romero.

I don't know his first name. Jeff?

Really? Romero's first name is Jeff?

Yeah. Anyway, Jeff ordered me to k*ll Wilson, but I convinced him to let your guy live if I got him fired instead.

Why do you want him to lose his job?

He's a good man with a family. I mean, he did stomp on my head a bunch of times. Those were warning stomps.

What are you, part of Romero's crew now?

No, I was trying to get in. That's what the video was for, but obviously, it didn't work. All right.

I'll fire Wilson. Really?

Why? Romero's responsible for most of the illegal stuff that goes on in this prison.

I've always wanted a man on the inside.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

The only people less popular in here than cops are snitches.

Well, let's be honest, it's not great in here for trans people.

That is so true. I know.

They have a hard time. It's a problem.

Regardless, I won't snitch, okay?

It's too dangerous. I'll find some other way to stay alive. All right.

Good luck with that.

*

[sighs] Wait.

I'll do what you want... if you let me keep my phone.

So, were you able to cancel my cable?

Of course. It was easy.

Good, because I have something else.

I need you to take my dog to Argentina to be with Adrian on his ranch. Now, I know what you're gonna ask me, and the answer is no, I don't have a map of the booby traps, but I can tell you how he thinks.

Enough!

I'm sorry. I hate to say this, but you're asking too much of us.

Is that how you feel too, Sarge?

Yeah, Rosa, damn. Good, finally.

What? Look, prison is awful.

I hate it here. I'm lonely, I'm scared.

I just wanna be back home, and I was happy you guys were coming to visit, but then you started calling me by my first name, and you kept making that crazy crying face. The only one that is acting like himself is Hitchcock. You!

Shirt back on! Stop being such a prude.

If I'm gonna get through this, I need to feel like my old life isn't gone. I need normal interactions.

So, I need you guys to fight with me, and be honest with me, and tell me no when I'm being unreasonable.

Okay, I promise: no more crying face.

[sighs] And no more pity...Diaz.

Thank you. I can't believe it took that long. I really thought the cable company was gonna break you.

It did. But the good news is, you now have Epix, plus some channel called "Tunez," with a Z.

Two-year commitment.

What else? Oh, you're never gonna believe this. I've been reading.

Reading? Like, books by real authors?

I don't know, is Philip Roth a real author?

Oh, my goodness!

I wish you had gone to prison years ago.

I'm kidding. Obviously, I'm not more attracted to you now than before.

[laughing nervously]

So, what else have you been reading?

Oh, hang on one sec.

Hey, boss, what's up? I saw you got Wilson fired.

Nice work. Welcome aboard.

Thank you. I promise you, you won't regret it.

[grunts]

[tense music]

Just one more thing.

I know you used to be a cop.

If you screw me over, I will cut your testicles off and watch you bleed to death in the dirt.

You got that?

Can I trust you?

Yeah. I got nothing to hide.

I'm your Beef Baby.

*

Hey, sorry about that.

Where were we? Jake, that sounded really bad.

Is everything okay? Yeah.

Everything's fine. I'm talking to you.