03x09 - Wedding or Not Here We Come

[bunniefuu]

Okay, boys, we are leaving for Japan in five hours.

I wanna check your bags and I wanna see your socks.

As you go through TSA, your feet are representing this family and our country.

As you can see, I've arranged my outfits by day, weather, and itinerary.

Do I have time to retake my passport photo?

My bangs are a disaster.

Well, you were the one who told the barber, "Surprise me."

Jackson, are you packed?

Yep.

This is a garbage bag.

Yep.

And these clothes are dirty.

Mom? Now I've got to repack.

I'll handle this.

Come on, Jackson. Let's go do some laundry.

We'll separate your whites from colors and hand-wash your delicates.

I have delicates?

Stephanie.

As the junior associate of Gibbler Style Party Planning, while in Japan, your duties include carrying my bags, pouring my tea, and you must always address me as "ma'am."

Yeah, I'm not doing any of that.

"Yeah, I'm not doing any of that, ma'am.” Kimmy, I don't have time for your silliness.

The fertility clinic sent me a bunch of potential donors, and if I'm gonna try to have a baby, I need to pick a baby daddy as soon as possible.

Well, what about your boyfriend, Jimmy?

You can't do better than Gibbler DNA.

Umm... Nah.

I feel like not every batch of Gibbler DNA is top-shelf.

Weren't you born with an extra row of teeth?

And who was laughing when the tooth fairy came?

Look, I love Jimmy, but it is way too soon to ask for a lifelong commitment.

I don't wanna put that kind of pressure on our relationship.

Just promise me that you won't tell Jimmy.

How about this? What if I only tell Jimmy?

I know it's around here somewhere.

Let me help.

I can't find it anywhere.

Me either.

What are we looking for?

My passport.

Does it look anything like the one in your pocket?

What is wrong with me?

Maybe I'm coming down with something.

Yeah, you're coming down with the Losin' Steve blues.

Steve was my boyfriend In high school

He afe a lof and had great hair He still eats a lof But his hair's not so great

Now I'm starting fo ramble

"It's okay. Kimmy, testify!" I will!

You know / got those Losin' Sfeve Hale Japanese blues

Thank you, Tommy.

At least someone appreciates The Great American Songbook.

No, Kimmy, you are way off.

I am super happy for Steve and CJ.

You just put your passport in the freezer.

What is wrong with me?

Why am I so scattered?

You got me.

You've already got the perfect guy. Dr. Matt Harmon.

He's sweet, he's smart, and we've all seen him in bike shorts.

Boy, have we.

But is he perfect for D.J.?

There's only one scientific way to find out.

An online BuzzFeed quiz.

Thanks to this quiz, I knew I should marry Fernando.

And divorce him.

It's foolproof.

And you're just the fool to prove it.

Yes, I am.

I am not putting Matt through some stupid quiz.

And now, I'm over my little freak—out, and I am super—excited to be going to Japan.

Your passport's ready.

I'm sure gonna miss you while you're in Japan.

Popko, I'm gonna miss you, too.

I wrote you a card.

"Happy 80th Birthday"?

Just read what's inside.

Okay.

"Dear Ramona, I love your brown eyes, and your teeth are like pearls.

"While you're away, can I see other girls?” Is this a joke?

No, it's a beautiful poem.

I should work for Hallmark.

No, the part about you dating other girls while I'm away.

Is that a joke?

Ramona, you don't want me to be all sad and lonely for five whole days.

But if I get to hang out with some other girls, it'll ease the pain of missing you.

Let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly.

Take your time, baby.

You want to hang out with other girls who aren't me because you'll miss me so much?

Bingo.

Well, how about this?

From now on, you can see all the girls you want, except one. Me.

I've put up with your selfishness for way too long, just because you're really cute.

Thank you.

I deserve so much better.

I deserve a boyfriend who makes me feel special, and who treats me with kindness and respect, which is the way I've always treated you.

I'm not sure where you're going with this.

Well, let me give it to you Popko style.

When we first started dating, I was totally pumped.

But as of right now, you're officially dumped.

Kimberlina?

Kimberlina, where are you?

Well, well, well.

Don't you look dapper.

Is that hand-harvested linen?

Of course. Only the finest for first class.

But our boarding passes say we're flying coach.

Coach.

I flew coach once.

I still shudder at the thought of the tiny armrest and the lack of legroom.

And in-flight magazines with the crossword puzzle mostly finished.

Isn't first class expensive?

Very.

But I never pay because I am notoriously cheap.

I know. You gave me a roll of pennies for my birthday.

I threw them all in a fountain, wishing for a real present.

If I may continue my story?

To get into first class, I dress to impress, and then I have a sob story that no flight attendant can resist.

And just to make sure, I cry real tears, like so.

All this drama just for a bigger seat?

And the bottomless hot—fudge sundaes.

Shut up.

First class sounds like a dream come true.

A dream that will never come true for you.

Coach boy.

Hey, Jimmy.

Hey, Kimmy. I'm sad.

I don't blame you.

Stephanie should've asked you to be her baby daddy.

What?

I'm sad because I b*rned the last Pop-Tart.

But now I'm extra sad.

Oopsie!

Well, at least I kept Stephanie's secret for 22 minutes.

Why didn't Stephanie pick me to be the baby daddy?

She was afraid it was too much too soon.

Plus, there were lots of strong choices in her donor files.

Geniuses, artists, even a notary public.

Man, those guys are so cool.

What's up with all the mini shampoo bottles?

Well, you can only carry on three ounces of liquid per container.

Okay, girls. Matt's Uber just pulled up.

I got my BuzzFeed quiz ready to go.

Don't embarrass yourself, Kimmy.

That ship sailed about 40 years ago.

Don't worry, Deej. As captain of Team Matt, I have full faith that he is gonna crush it.

Okay, question number one.

"Is he considerate?"

Of course, he is.

Konnichi-wazzup?

Hey, Matt, you know, D.J. slept wrong last night, and her neck is really stiff.

I wish I were better at this.

Kimmy, I'm sure that you're doing fine.

In fact, my neck's a little sore, too, so I'm next?

Strike one.

Let's move on.

"Does he notice the little things?"

So, Matt, do you notice something new about D.J.?

Why do I feel like I'm on a quiz show?

Don't be ridiculous.

You have ten seconds. Go!

New earrings, shoes, pants, blouse?

Botox?

I'm sorry, we were looking for "new highlights in her hair.” Come on, Matt, focus.

Focus on what? What is going on?

Don't worry about it. But this is your last chance.

"Listening skills."

D.J., tell Matt about your crazy dream.

You've got this one, Matt.

I already told you about my crazy dream, remember?

Remind me.

I was a raccoon, and I robbed a bank.

I thought it was funny because raccoons, they look like old—timey bank robbers.

Not ringing any bells.

Really? Because you smiled and nodded, and said, "Uh-huh," a lot.

Uh-huh.

I just realized I left something in my other bag.

I will be right back.

Strike three.

Kimmy, he just left the room. You don't have to fake—cough.

Good point.

Hey, girl.

Smokin' highlights.

I love the lowlights, too. I mean, it's a great contrast.

I brought you a neck pillow for the plane.

I know your neck gets stiff.

And also, I did some research about your crazy dream.

Check it out. Okay.

The raccoon is a symbol of deception.

You might be hiding some deep feelings, even from yourself.

See you guys at the airport.

To quote the wise words of Salt—N—Pepa, "What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man."

Found it, Deej.

I made you a little gift basket for our trip.

It's got all your favorite snacks, in case you get hungry.

Honey.

Aww... How considerate.

Boom.

It's got Dramamine because you told me once that you get motion sickness.

What a good listener.

Boom.

I got you lavender-scented hand lotion because I know you love lavender.

Aww... He pays attention to the little things.

I've got this one.

Boom.

Ramona.

I just saw the news on Snapchat.

You and Popko broke up.

You must be devastated.

I'm a little sad, but I know I did the right thing.

Honey, you don't have to put on a brave face for me.

I'm your mother.

You can cry on my shoulder.

I don't need to cry.

Yes, you do. Don't hold in those tears.

Mom, really, I'm okay.

I'm not leaving this room until I make you feel better.

Now cry!

Fine.

Why, Popko, why?

Aww... There, there. Mama's here.

You just let it out.

It feels so good to cry.

Enough blubbering. Buck up. We've got a plane to catch.

Thanks, Mom.

You always know how to cheer me up, even if you're the one who depresses me.

It's my special gift.

Good evening, Fernando.

Young Max, what are you up to?

Nothing.

I simply admire your sense of style.

Ah.

Splendid. Then carry on.

And where is my carry-on?

Here it is in my hand.

How I carry on.

Kimmy, Steph, let's go!

Are you really wearing that to the airport?

Well, answer her.

We're ready. Bye-bye, Tommy.

See you in five days.

Bye-bye, Ramona.

Tommy, I'm sorry we're not taking you to Japan, but you'll never know we left you behind until you see the pictures in ten years.

Hey, hey, hey. Look who's here.

Grandpa Nick.

Grandpa Nick. —Hi.

Hi. —Hey.

How are you?

Look at you.

Thank you so much for watching Tommy while we're away.

We're gonna have so much fun together.

You like naps?

And yelling at the TV news?

Sweetie, I'm gonna miss you so much.

All right, bye-bye.

That's it?

Maybe next time you'll let me all the way into the living room.

Come on, Tommy, we're gonna hit the early—bird special.

You're gonna be my granny magnet.

Come on.

Okay, I've got Cosmo's food, his squeaky toys, and just one more thing.

Why can't I be your baby daddy?

Kimmy told you?

Yeah, but she held out for 22 minutes.

That's a new record.

Jimmy, I just don't wanna have this conversation right now.

Is it because I'm not a genius, or an artist, or a hotshot notary public?

Hey, I love you, baby.

Okay, Max. Say goodbye to Cosmo.

Goodbye, Cosmo.

Lucky for you, dogs have no concept of time.

So, it'll only seem like I'm gone for two seconds.

But I do have a concept of time.

It's gonna be the longest five days of my life.

It's time, Max.

I'll call you when I land.

I can't remember his face.

It's right there.

Oh, yeah, he looks like every other golden retriever.

Bye.

Come on, Fernando. We're in the back of the plane.

You go ahead. I will not be joining you.

Excuse me.

Do you have any tissues for my tears?

My Japanese grandmother is very, very sick.

I am so sorry to hear that.

And the only thing that can ease my pain is seat 3B in first class.

Unfortunately, that seat was just taken by a young boy who, tragically, doesn't have long to live.

Hello, coach boy.

How did you b*at me onto the plane?

Unattended minors may board early.

Look. The captain gave me his hat.

That should be my captain's hat.

Is there anything else I can get you, Mr. Fuller?

I'd love a few more months to live.

Short of that, I'll take another ice cream sundae to wash down this ice cream sundae.

Coming right up.

That boy is not dying.

Not without a fight, I'm not.

Sir, you are in 72A, by the restroom and those cranky babies.

But the people in first class would love my outfit.

Stop this plane!

I have to get on board.

Sir, you are on board.

Sorry, I've been yelling that since I got out of the cab.

Jimmy, what are you doing here?

I bought a one-way ticket to Japan, so that we could talk about you trying to have a baby.

Aww...

Why would you want to do that without me?

I'm your boyfriend.

Boo...

I've got just as much to offer as any of those other possible baby daddies.

Just watch this.

Genius.

Oooh.

Artist.

Ah...

Hotshot notary public.

I need your driver's license, thumb print, signature here, here, and here.

Ooh... Yeah, he's a keeper.

Just think about it, Steph.

Your face, and my rock—hard abs.

Our baby would be beautiful and totally ripped.

Thank you, Jimmy, but I am not ready to have this discussion.

Before we wrap this up, maybe we need to see those abs one more time?

Well, I need to get off the plane since I couldn't afford a return ticket, and I really don't want to live in Japan forever.

But I gotta say just one more thing.

There is no one who will love you and that baby... more than I would.

Aww...

If you're really up for this, then I say that we try to make a baby.

What? We stopped doing stuff?

Hey, Kimmy.

Do you mind sitting with D.J. for a bit?

I need to ask Stephanie something really important.

Sure.

She's nine shampoos in, so you better hurry before she nods off.

Excuse me.

Seriously. Really?

Thanks, Kimmy.

Hey, Steph.

Hi, Matt.

So, what's up?

Oh, my gosh.

Matt, I mean, you're dating my sister.

I mean, you know, sure, I'm the fun, hot one.

I mean, this is wrong.

Steph, this is for D.J.

Look, I want to pop the question when we're in Japan.

Oh.

That is amazing.

She's gonna say yes, right?

Of course, she is. She loves you.

Ah. That's great news because I love her.

And I lost the receipt for the ring.

One last question.

There isn't really a Team Matt and a Team Steve, is there?

No!

Two grown women betting $35 on D.J.'s love life?

I mean, that is so juvenile.

And I am totally gonna win.

Who'da thunk it?

We're on our way to the wedding you never thought you'd go to unless you were the bride.

Enough.

I'm gonna listen to some Michael Bublé. The shampoo's already kicking in.

I'll see you in Tokyo.

Kimmy, please go sit with Fernando.

Between the cranky baby and the stinky bathroom, I don't think he's gonna make it.

I'll try to calm him down.

That is one cranky baby.

That's Fernando.

Kimmy, I can't sleep.

This is driving me nuts. You were right.

It is gonna be so hard to watch Steve get married.

I should have told him at the reunion that I was gonna pick him to be my boyfriend instead of Matt.

I know. Kimmy, it's tearing me up.

I feel like I'm losing my soul mate.

But it's too late now.

I can't tell Steve. It would totally freak him out.

You're right. There's nothing more to say.

Good night.

Folks, the captain just turned on the fasten seat belt sign.

We're expecting turbulence.

Looks like we're in for a bumpy ride.