03x14 - Surrogate City

[bunniefuu]

Good morning.

Good morning.

And good grief.

What happened to your brand—new back-to-school jeans?

I ripped them up. Now they're my back—to—cool jeans.

Hey, you know the rule. No hats at the table.

Not a problem.

Okay. New rule.

No blue hair at the table.

You're 15 years old. Why are you having a mid-life crisis?

Hey, Marge Simpson called, she wants her hair back.

Hey, did you buy that hair at a Katy Perry garage sale?

Nice.

Look, I don't expect you guys to understand.

I'm Gen Y, and you're Gen X.

I'm like the iPhone 8, and you're all like, "Will you accept a collect call from Grandpa?"

But school picture day is Monday.

And I already spent $79.95 on two eight-by-tens, three five—by—-sevens, eight wallet—sized...

A mouse pad, a coffee mug.

I think they're taking advantage of how much I love my children.

Although I do love my Max oven mitt.

"Holy chalupas!"

Oh, that's for me.

And by the way, I think I'm old enough to choose my own hairstyle.

Besides, you color yours.

I only color my hair to make it look more natural.

And to cover up some gray.

I don't think you wanna start a conversation about what's real and what's fake.

Mom, I promise, no matter how intense the peer pressure gets, I'll never touch this beautiful salad.

Looks like you finally have a teenager.

He had to rebel at some point.

Yeah, but why that hair, and those clothes?

Oh...

Hey, why are we oh-ing? Just because she's got purple...

Oh...

Hey, what's for breakfast?

Bacon and eggs.

You guys are so white bread, you're eating white bread.

Why do I have a feeling that you had something to do with this?

Look, Desej... "Deej"?

All I did was tell Jackson that he's being raised in an artificial world of sugar—coated sweetness.

That is so not true.

That was terrible timing.

This mama's boy is gonna be eaten alive if he doesn't grow some McNuggets.

Oh, you don't have to worry about my McNuggets.

All right, well, I'll see ya later.

We're going to the Wharf to make fun of the tourists.

Okay, well, don't forget to take out the trash.

I'll get to it when I get to it.

This is all Gia's fault.

She was a bad influence on you, and now her daughter is a bad influence on my son.

I'm calling her up right now. I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.

Mmm, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Why not?

She blocked you.

I'll text her.

It's a big day today, ladies.

Steph and I are interviewing some potential surrogate mothers.

Oh, I told you, I would be more than happy to carry your baby.

Deej, we went over this.

You have a full-time job, and three Kids.

Plus, you had a very difficult birth with Tommy.

I had a difficult delivery, too.

I gave birth to Ramona in a rental car.

Yes, Kimmy, we all saw you on the news.

Well, don't worry everyone, I've got some great candidates lined up for us.

Wow.

You are taking this so seriously.

You bet I am.

And I've developed a pretty thorough vetting process.

Hmm.

"Do you or do you not believe in Sasquatch?"

There's only one right answer.

Kimberlina.

I am back from my race in Monte—Carlo.

Hi, baby.

Mmm...

How did you do?

Well, get this.

I was so far in the lead, I stopped at Mickey D's for a Big Mac.

While I was I taking a picture with Mayor McCheese, the Hamburglar stole my race car.

Are you kidding me?

Yes, of course.

Mom, Papa, I've got the test results.

Whatever it is, please tell me it's negative.

Well, remember the DNA testing we did for my family tree project?

Nope.

I had you both spit in cups, and then swab the insides of your cheeks.

You have to be more specific.

You were watching 7he Voice.

Oh, yeah. —Oh, yeah. That night.

Well, here's our family tree.

And my teacher said our parents should help us learn about our ancestors.

Of course. Your mother and I are happy to help.

But I already know I'm 100% Argentinian.

And I come from a long line of proud British pickpockets.

In fact, legend has it that over 400 years ago, a Gibbler stole the very first fanny pack.

Well, Mom, I traced your roots back six generations, and it turns out you are actually part French.

Sweet fromage.

No wonder I always order the French toast at Denny's.

And Papa, it turns out your great—great—great—grandfather on your mother's side was Herschel Horowitz, the herring king of Havenhurst Heights.

I'm part Jewish?

Okay, Jimmy, here's our first candidate.

This could be the woman who's gonna carry our child.

Hi.

Or somebody else's.

I'm Mindy, and there is no greater joy on earth than to carry and birth a baby.

Yeah, aren't you kind of busy doing that right now?

I am. But the Millers are behind on their payments.

If they back out, I can make you a good deal on this one.

I like her.

And that's how you trick the parole board into thinking you're not crazy.

Another great candidate.

I got a question. And it's make or break.

Sasquatch. Real or fake?

Take your time. There's a lot riding on this.

Fake.

Take your time. There's a lot riding on this.

Thank you so much, but we're...

We're not interested in hiring a chain smoker.

I can quit at any time.

I do it every morning.

Thanks.

Try the patch.

That was a terrible group of people.

We're gonna have to find a different surrogate agency.

Oh, an agency. That's a great idea.

I just put an ad on Craigslist under "fun-loving couple seeking open—minded woman."

It's always open.

Steph.

Hi, Gia.

Hi.

Who is smoking in my house?

Oh. Of course, Gia.

It wasn't me this time.

So Steph said you wanted to blame me for something?

Yes, I do.

Your juvenile delinquent daughter is corrupting my sweet, angelic son.

Do you ever think that maybe your sweet, angelic son is corrupting my juvenile delinquent daughter?

I caught her brushing her teeth and doing her homework.

That's on you.

What's up, girl?

We just wasted half a day interviewing baby surrogates.

Why didn't you come to me?

I'd love to throw my womb in the ring.

Uh... No, that's a terrible idea.

Hold on, Deej.

I mean, it would be great to have somebody that I know and trust.

I mean, Gia and I go back over 20 years.

Yeah. We've stood by each other through good times and bad.

I would love to see Steph realize her dream of motherhood.

That is so sweet.

Wow.

Have I been wrong about you all these years?

And I'd be happy to donate my services.

Just out of curiosity, who's footing the bill for this whole in vitro thing?

My entire family is chipping in to cover everything.

Oh. Well, in that case, forget charity. I'm full price.

No, I was right all along.

And so before we get into my benefits package, how much drinking is too much when you're pregnant?

Any drinking.

So, just wine coolers?

Yeah, you know... —I'm gonna stop you right there.

I don't think this is a good fit for me.

Aww.

Dang it. That's so disappointing.

You bet it is.

I can get pregnant walking through a Chili's.

And I have.

I pop out to the farmer's market, and I come home to this?

Ew.

Trash ball.

He sh**t...

Scores.

You dirty animals.

Mom!

Mama's boy.

And proud of it.

Max, what is the... Oh, my landfill.

Well, I hate to leave a good time.

That's why this is so easy.

Adios, Deej.

Make Jackson clean up this mess.

Everybody, chill. I'll get to it when I get to it.

It's one thing to change your look, but this new attitude is unacceptable.

Well, you better get used to this.

Because I've finally found the real me.

And I'm bad to the bone.

There's only one solution here.

m*llitary school.

And I just happen to have the pamphlets.

Jackson, clean up your mess, and then take out the trash.

As long as you're living under my roof, you're gonna live by my rules.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, we'll see about that.

Did you say something? —No, ma'am.

Bonsoir, Ramona.

Peugeot, Jacques Cousteau, Marcel Marceau.

Ooh-la-la!

He—he—he. Hon-hon-hon.

Ah... Ramona.

We shall drink red wine, and smoke cigarettes all night, and discuss the meaninglessness of life.

Who am 1? Who are you?

Who cares? We are French.

Yeah, this isn't gonna get old.

Uh-oh!

Is that a big gust of French wind?

Good thing I have this rope.

Look at the punim.

Blech. You smell like fish.

Stop kvetching.

I got us a spread to die for.

You got your pickled herring, your smoked herring, your whitefish, your kippers, and your cod.

I got half the ocean here.

Papa, just because one distant relative sold fish, it doesn't mean you have to turn into him.

I'm embracing the heritage of my beloved Herschel Horowitz, the herring king of Havenhurst Heights.

Oy...

My sciatica.

When I was younger, like a cat I could climb.

I know you guys are just trying to help with my project, but really, you're not helping.

Well, why didn't you say something?

I've gained five pounds since this morning.

I've been living on snails and butter.

Ah... Home sweet home.

Hmm...

I love what you've done with the place.

Thanks. I love the high ceiling.

Look, you said if I live under your roof, I have to follow your rules.

So here I am, not under your roof.

Okay. I get it.

Yeah, when I was a kid, I got mad at my dad, and I moved into the garage, so...

Just... You can have your little moment.

Well, Cosmo, guess it's just you and me.

Best friends till the end.

Cosmo. Dinner time.

Mama's dog.

How's Jackson doing now?

I think his phone d*ed.

Why do you say that?

Because he's reading a book.

Oh, come on, not tonight.

Not when I'm trying to make a point.

Hey, Jackson, look.

Rice Krispie treats and hot cocoa.

Mmm...

Max, how are you enjoying your delicious snack?

Ah.

Glad you asked.

This is the tastiest, gooiest treat ever.

Life's so easy when you follow the rules.

These and other delicious snacks are available to all who live under my roof.

Well, I'd rather be out here enjoying the greatest snack of all...

Freedom!

It's getting a little wet out there.

Just the quiet tears of mother nature gently replenishing the earth.

Okay. Enough's enough.

I'm coming out there.

You're gonna get wet.

Not with this.

We need to talk.

You wanna share my umbrella?

Well, I don't need it, but if it makes you happy, knock yourself out.

Well, I have a theory about what's really happening here.

I don't believe that this is the real you.

The Jackson I know is sweet, kind, considerate.

That was all an act.

I'm a rebel.

Are you really?

Or is Rocki just a really bad influence?

This ain't got nothing to do with Rocki.

Are you sure?

Because you're dressing like her. You're acting like her.

It's like she put you under some evil spell.

Wait a second.

Do you like her, like her?

No.

She punches me really hard, and makes fun of me.

But she smells really good, and she's a great kisser.

But do I like her, like her?

No.

Wait, back up. You kissed Rocki?

Well, technically, she kissed me, but it wasn't one of those Lola grandma kisses either.

It kind of rocked my world.

Now it all makes sense.

You've got a crush on her.

I don't know.

Maybe I do.

And maybe I'm not all that tough.

Because if I'm being brutally honest right now, all I want is a cup of hot cocoa and some fresh PJs.

No, not yet.

You acted like a real jerk today.

I'm sorry.

I get it.

You're a teenager now and you're gonna go through different phases, but never lose sight of who you are just to impress a pretty girl.

You think she's pretty?

Well, maybe. Under all that dark makeup.

Right now she looks like Marilyn Manson.

Is she pretty?

Google it.

You want a hug? —Of course.

Oh! Ooh, wet. Wet. Cold. Let's go get some hot chocolate.

Boys, don't be late for picture day.

How do I look?

You look like a morning host on Fox & Friends.

Nailed it.

Have a good picture day.

Think of me when you smile.

Hey, Mom. I'm ready for picture day.

Jackson, your hair.

It's so boring.

I love it.

Oh, look. It's Mama and her mama's boy.

You know what?

I've decided I'm not a blue hair, ripped jeans and leather jacket kind of guy.

Yeah, you tell her.

And you know what else, Rocki? —Mom...

I'll be in the other room.

Please tell me you didn't take out the trash.

First thing in the morning.

Right after I emptied the dishwasher.

Oh, well. I tried.

You know what?

Maybe I am a mama's boy.

But what's so bad about being respectful and a good guy?

Look, if you don't like me for the way that I am, then you don't have to hang out with me.

Are you standing up to me?

I guess I am.

Hmm.

Look who finally grew some McNuggets.

I'm impressed.

Aww. That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

Yeah. Well, don't get used to it. —Oow!

I knew that was coming, and I just stood there.

Oh, busy day today.

I hope Matt comes back to work soon.

So, how did it go today?

I interviewed 15 more surrogates, but none of them felt right.

You know, I only have this one chance to have a baby, but I just can't find somebody that I really trust.

Well, that's why I went to the doctor today, to see if I could do it.

But she said it was too risky.

Aww. Thanks for trying.

You know, I'm just worried I'm never gonna find the right person.

Oh, you will. Because, I found her for you.

What are you talking about? Who?

Here, have a sip.

Yeah. A little more.

Yeah. Just bigger. Bigger.

Okay, come in.

Did someone order womb service?

One moment, please.

Kimmy Gibbler?

She went with me to the doctor today, and it turns out she's your perfect surrogate.

Who'da thunk it?

Not me.

I've thought this all through.

I wanna do this for you.

And for my brother.

We're talking a nine—month commitment.

You know, weight gain, swollen ankles, morning sickness.

Maybe I didn't think this all through.

But I would consider it an honor to ruin my body for you.

Aww. This is the best She-Wolf moment ever.

Of all the people in the world to do this for me, I...

I never, ever, ever, ever dreamed it would be you.

I love you, Kimmy Gibbler.

I love you, too, Steph.

Aww...

Now let's go make a baby.

I'm sure she didn't mean that the way it sounded.

Come on.

Come on.

Great. —Great.